Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Subway - full transcript

Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer all embark on separate adventures within the New York subway system. Jerry has to go to Coney Island to get his car out of the impound lot. George is on his way to a job interview. Elaine is on her way to be the best man in a lesbian wedding. Kramer is on his way to court to sweet-talk his way out of a number of traffic violations. On the way to Coney Island, Jerry has a hard time finding anyone to go with him, but meets a rather overweight individual who strips down to his waist, and decides to go on the rides with Jerry. George meets an attractive woman who takes him back to his hotel, robs him blind, steals his clothes, and leaves him handcuffed to the bed. Elaine, on her way to the wedding, takes the one train that has the power go out, and curses into oblivion. Kramer, after leaving court, wanders into a betting shop and actually wins lots of money for once. He's on his way back from the betting shop and nearly gets robbed, only to be saved by an undercover cop. Back at the coffee shop, nobody wants to remember their journeys on the subway, except for Jerry and Kramer, and they're all stunned when Kramer actually pays for once.

As a kid, my favourite ride...

was the bumper car. Remember?
Going around in a circle.

There was always one kid
that could not do it.

Do you remember this kid?

As soon as the ride gets started...

he'd be, like, stuck
in a pack of empty cars.


"Excuse me.

Excuse me. It won't go!

Come on!

It's almost over!"

He always ends up
with the attendant...

hanging off that big pole
helping him steer it.

"Stop crying."

Then there's always
that other...

One other really bad car...

The helpless father-and-son team.

This is another car just
not going anywhere.

They're never organized.
Who's on the wheel?

Who's pressing on the gas? Just:

"Son, turn the wheel."

All right, Coney Island?

Okay, you can take the B or the F
and switch for the N...

at Broadway and Lafayette.

Or you can go over the bridge
to DeKalb...

and catch the Q
to Atlantic Avenue...

then switch to the IRT,
2, 3, 4 or 5.

But don't get on the G.

That's very tempting,
but you wind up on Smith...

and 9th Street.
Then you gotta get on the R.

Couldn't he just take the D
straight to Coney Island?

Well, yeah.

Okay. What time is your
job interview, George?


Don't whistle on the elevator.

- Why not?
- That's what Willy Loman told Biff...

before his interview
in Death of a Salesman.

You're comparing me to Biff Loman?
Very encouraging.

The biggest loser in the history
of American literature.

- I gotta get going.
- What time's the lesbian wedding?

- 9:30.
- Lesbian wedding.

How do they work the bride and groom
on that? Do they flip a coin?

Yeah, they flip a coin.

What, was that not politically correct?
It's a legitimate question.

I'm so tired. I'm gonna fall asleep
on that train.

I feel when lesbians are looking at me,
they're thinking:

"That's why I'm not a heterosexual."

All right, Jerry, come on.
Pick up the check so we can go.

- I'm paying for breakfast?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Why do I always pay?

What am I, made of money?

You bunch of deadbeats.

How many tickets you paying today?

Let's see. Speeding, running a
red light, no licence, no registration...

no plates, no brake lights,
no rear-view mirror.

Look at that one.

- "No doors"?
- Yeah, I'm fighting that one.

You know, this is gonna cost me
over 600 bucks.

I can't carry change in these pants.
It falls out.

- Here you go.
- There you go.

Thank you.

That guy's not blind.

So can I convince anybody
to come down to Coney Island?

Gotta pick up my car
at the pound. George?

I can't believe they found
your stolen car.

Not only did they find it...

it was simonized,
and the front end was aligned.

- That's amazing.
- So, what do you say?

Ride on the Cyclone.
Hot dog at Nathan's on me.

Who are you, Satan?
I'm close to a job here.

- It's my second interview.
- All right, Biff.

Elaine? Merry-go-round?

I can't. I'm the best man.

Kramer. Bumper cars.

I gotta go to court. I'll get in trouble.
What's the matter with you?

It could be years till I get
back to Coney Island.

I can't go on the rides alone.

42nd Street. Change for the D
and the double R...

the 2, 3, 4, 5, 7,
the C, K and F train.


See you.



- You looking for a job?
- Me? Why?

Well, you're reading
the classifieds.

Oh, no. No, no.

I was just looking for the stock page.
Here it is.

Looking for the quotes.

Gotta check the quotes.

Love a good quote.

IBM up a quarter.

What do you know?

You didn't look like someone
who needed a job.

Me? No, I don't.

Doing very well. Very well, yeah.

So you're in the market?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm in the market.

Which market?

Which market? The... The big one.

The big market with the big board.

Bull market, bear market.
You name the market, I'm there.

So do you work for one of
the big brokerage houses?

They wish.

I hate the big brokerage houses.

Hate them with a passion.

Big brokerage houses
killed my father.

- Really?
- Well, they hurt him bad.

Really hurt his feelings.

It's a long story.
I don't like to talk about it...

but I swore I would never work
for a big brokerage house.

See, all they care about is money.

I'm about more than money.
I'm about...


So I've always gone my own way...

and I've never looked back.

I started riding these trains
in the '40s.

Those days, a man would give up
his seat for a woman.

Now we're liberated.
We have to stand.

It's ironic.

What's ironic?

This. That we've come all this way,
we made all this progress...

but, you know, we lost
the little things, the niceties.

No, I mean, what does
"ironic" mean?

Where you off to
with such a nice present?

- Birthday party?
- A wedding.

- A wedding?
- Yeah.

I didn't think people
still get married.

It's hard today
with the men and women.

You're telling me.

- So they're a nice couple?
- Oh, very nice.

What does he do,
if you don't mind my asking?

- She.
- She?

She. She works, he doesn't.
He sounds like my son.

There is no "he."

There's no he?

So who's getting married?

Two women.


a lesbian wedding.

Lesbian wedding?

Yep. Yep, I'm...

the best man.


My luck. I don't talk to a soul
on the subway for 35 years...

I get the best man
at a lesbian wedding.

No, no. You don't understand.

I'm not a lesbian!

I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.

I'm really looking forward to this.

I love weddings.
Maybe I'll meet somebody.

Maybe not.

Oh, man. We're stopping?

Well, this is where I get off.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Hey, why don't you...? Oh, nothing.

No, no. What?

Well, I was gonna say,
"Why don't you get off with me."

But you're obviously very busy
on your way...

to some important meeting
or something.

Yeah. Well...

See, I knew it was a bad idea.

Hey, what's another million,
give or take? I get off...

when and where I wanna get off.

I'm stuck. Could you just pull it
a little...?

This'll just be a second.

Don't... Don't start the train!

Don't start the train!

Here it is. Here it is,
the four horse in the first race.

- Pappernick.
- How do you know he's gonna win?

My UPS guy. Lance.

The guys who own the horse are
his regular customers.

Every horse he's ever given me
has won.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. They've been sandbagging...

looking for a good spot.
He's been getting in light...

because they're using a bug boy.
The workouts have been unpublished.

They're ready to run with him.
Gonna break his maiden.

He's gonna go for a great price,
maybe 30-1.

- I'm telling you, it's a lock.
- But it rained last night.

Exactly. This horse loves the slop.

It's in his bloodlines.
His father was a mudder.

- His mother was a mudder.
- His mother was a mudder?

What did I say? Let's go to the office.
I'm gonna call my bookie.

Hey, don't tell anybody.

Oh, man.


You realize, of course, you're naked.

Naked, dressed,
I don't see any difference.

You ought to sit here.

There's a difference.

You got something
against the naked body?

I got something against yours.

How about a couple of deep knee
bends, maybe some squat-thrusts?

Who's got time for squat-thrusts?

All right, how about
skipping breakfast?

I'm guessing you're not a
"half-grapefruit and black coffee" man.

I like a good breakfast.

I understand.
I like a good breakfast...

long as you don't wind up trapped
in a room in overalls and pigtails...

being counselled by Dick Gregory.

I'm not ashamed of my body.

Exactly. That's your problem.
You should be.

Don't get up.

Please, allow me.

Oh, this is great.

This is what I need, just what I need.

Okay, take it easy.
I'm sure it's nothing.

Probably rats on the track.

They're stopping for rats.

God, it's so crowded.

How could there be
so many people?

This guy really smells.

Doesn't anyone use deodorant
in the city?

What is so hard?
You take the cap off, you roll it on.

What's that? I feel something
rubbing against me.

These disgusting animals.
These people should be in a cage.

We are in a cage.

What if I miss the wedding?

I got the ring. What'll they do?

You can't get married
without a ring. Oh, God...

I can't breathe.

I feel faint.

Okay, take it easy.
It'll start moving soon.

Think about people in concentration
camps, what they went through.

And the hostages! What would
you do if you were a hostage?

Think about that. This is nothing.

No, it's not nothing, it's something.

It's a nightmare. Help me!

Move it! Come on!
Move this f****** thing!

Why isn't it moving?!

What could go wrong with a train?
It's on tracks.

There's no traffic.
How could a train get stuck?

Step on the gas!

What could it be? You'd think the
conductor would explain it to us.

"I'm sorry, there's a delay.
We'll be moving in five minutes."

I wanna hear a voice.
What's that on my leg?!


Your company sends you
on the road often, huh?

Nice. Oh, hey, nice ice bucket there.

Make yourself comfortable.

Make myself comfortable?
What does that mean?

Does she want me to take my clothes
off? Is she taking her clothes off?

What if I take mine off
and she still has hers on?

I'd look like an idiot.
She'd get offended and leave.

So maybe I should leave them on.

But what if she takes hers off?
She'll feel humiliated.

"Make yourself comfortable"?
This woman's unbelievable.

This "comfortable" thing
could ruin me.

I got it. I'll take my shoes off
and sit on the bed.

There. That's comfortable.

She can't accuse me
of being uncomfortable.

I gotta tell you,
I'm pretty comfortable.

Oh, yeah, it's all set.

- They've got the bug boy on it.
- The bug boy?

Yeah, the little fellow's
been riding his heart out.

- They're gonna break his maiden.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- It's a little slow out.

- Rained last night.
- This baby loves the slop.

Loves it. Eats it up.
Eats the slop. Born to slop.

His father was a mudder.

- His father was a mudder.
- His mother was a mudder.

His mother was a mudder?

What did I just say?

Hey. All right.

Six hundred, Pappernick to win.

They still have no pitching.
Gooden's a question mark.

You don't recover from those
rotator cuffs so fast.

I'm not worried about
the Mets' pitching.

- They got no hitting.
- No, they got hitting. Bonilla, Murray.

- They got no defence.
- Defence, please.

- They need speed.
- Speed? They've got Coleman.

- They need a bullpen.
- Franco's no good?

- They got no team leaders.
- They got Franco.

What they need is a front office.

- But you gotta like their chances.
- I love them.

If they win it this year, I'll sit naked
with you at the World Series.

It's a deal.

Why couldn't I take a cab?

For $6, my whole life
could have changed.

What is that on my leg?

I'll never get out of here.

What if I'm here
for the rest of my life?

Maybe I'll get out in five seconds.

One banana, two banana...

three banana, four banana...

five banana.

No. I'm still here.

Still here. When will they
start moving?


Move! Move!

It's moving.

It's moving!




Gee, I hope you have the key
for these things.

Oh, don't worry, I do.

My mother used to walk
around our apartment...

in her bra and panties.

She didn't look anything like you.
She was...

really disgusting, really bad body.

You know, if you can imagine an
uglier, fatter version of Shirley Booth.

Remember Shirley Booth in Hazel?

Really embarrassing,
because I had the only mother...

in the neighbourhood
who was worse than Hazel.

- You can imagine the taunts I'd hear.
- Like what?


"Hey, your mother's
uglier than Hazel."

"Hazel really puts your mother
to shame." You know.

What's going on?

It was a pleasure doing business
with you, but I have to get going.

Get going? But we haven't really,
you know...

Eight dollars?

- Eight dollars?
- What are you doing, robbing me?

I wasted my whole morning
on you for $8?

Wait a second. What are you doing?

- I'm taking your clothes.
- No, no, that's my only suit!

It cost me $350!
I got it at Moe Ginsburg!

- Bye, George.
- You can't just leave me here.

Will I see you again?

It's Hoy's Boy followed by Jamet...

Little Baggit, Kiss Harmony
and then a long way to Flagrant.

- Come on!
- Into the stretch...

with an 1/8th of a mile to go,
Stepagain, Passionel battling it out.

Clear from Jamet, Pappernick's
starting to make some ground...

but Stepagain is the leader...
- Come on.

- Come on! Yes!
- Look at Pappernick, sprouting wings.

- Yes! Yes!
- Stepagain, just falling back.

- Yes!
- Pappernick flashing home.

Stepagain, Pappernick, Pappernick
and Stepagain to the line...

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- The winner is Pappernick.

Yes, yes! I won. Hey!


I haven't had a hot dog
at Nathan's in 20 years.

First, we ride the Cyclone.

Chilly out.

French fries.

Hey, hey!

Give me the money.

Freeze! Police!

No, I never got the car.
We had such a good time...

by the time I got to
the police garage, it was closed.

Too bad.

You wouldn't believe what this guy
put away at Nathan's.

Look at what we won. You want him?

Get that out of my face.

So you missed the wedding.
You'll catch the bris.

Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna!

How'd you like a Hare Krishna fist
down your throat, you little punk?



What, did you whistle
on the elevator?

I have my spare key
in your apartment, right?

Yeah, in the kitchen drawer.

- Give me your key.
- What happened?

Never mind what happened,
just give me the key.

- Come on, I'll go with you.
- Here. Pay.

Wait, wait. Give me that.

All right.

So I take the subway
down to Coney Island...

to go on the Cyclone.
I'm riding on the subway.

I'm sitting on the D train
for an hour and 15 minutes...

to go on a scary ride.

Okay, how dumb is that?

You know that first sharp drop
on the Cyclone? Fell asleep.