Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Alternate Side - full transcript

After Jerry has his car stolen - he even speaks to the remorseless thief on his car phone - he tries to rent a replacement but learns that it isn't quite as simple as thought it would be. George is intrigued to learn that there's a man in Jerry neighborhood who earns his living by parking everyone's car and moving them when required. George thinks he on to something that he could as well as anyone. Everyone is a bit jealous when Kramer gets a one line speaking part in Woody Allen's new movie which is being filmed in part just outside Jerry's apartment. Nothing seems to work out for anyone of them however.

It seems the way they
design the car alarms...

is so that the car will behave as if it
was a nervous, hysterical person.

Anyone goes near it,
anyone disturbs it, it's:

Lights flashing on and off,
acting all crazy.

Not everyone wants to draw
that much attention to themselves.

Wouldn't it be nice to have
a car alarm that was more subtle?

Maybe just, you know, somebody
tries to break in, and it goes:

"Excuse me?"

I would like a car alarm like that.

Do you believe this?

Car was parked right out front.



- Was the alarm on?
- I don't know. I guess it was on.

I don't know my alarm sound.
I'm not tuned into it like it's my son.

I don't understand. How do
these thieves start the car?

- They cross the wires or something.
- Cross the wires?

I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.

- Hey.
- They stole my car.

- Who did?
- They did.

Was it more than just one?

What should I do?
Call the police?

What are they gonna do?

You know, I'd better call the car-phone
company, cancel my service.

Maybe you should
call your car phone.

Yeah.

He's probably driving it right now.



Wait a minute. Call the car phone.
See what happens.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, go ahead. Call.

I don't even know if I
remember the number.

What do I say if he picks up?

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Is this 555-8383?
- I have no idea.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

- Did you steal my car?
- Yes, I did.

- You did?
- I did.

- But that's my car.
- I didn't know it was yours.

- What are you gonna do with it?
- I don't know. Drive around.

- Then can I have it back?
- No, I'm gonna keep it.

Let me talk to him.
Give it, give it, give it.

- Hello.
- Yeah, who's this?

- Kramer.
- Hello, Kramer.

Listen, there's a pair of gloves
in the glove compartment.

Wait, hold it.

- Brown ones?
- Yeah.

Could you mail those to me?
Or bring them by my building.

- It's 129 West 81st Street.
- 129... Okay.

All right, thanks a lot.
Here's Jerry.

Gloves.

- Hello.
- Jerry.

Yeah. Let me ask you a question.
How do you cross those wires?

I didn't cross any wires.
The keys were in it.

Sid left the keys in the car.
All right, I gotta go. Drive carefully.

Hey, Jerry, when's the last time you
had a tune-up? Because I can't find...

- Sid left the keys in the car.
- Who's Sid?

Guy in the neighbourhood.
He parks cars on the block.

- What do you mean?
- He moves them from side to side...

so you don't get a ticket.
- You pay him for that?

- Yeah. Like 50 bucks a month.
- How many people does he do it for?

- The whole block, 40, 50 cars.
- He only works three hours a day.

He makes a fortune. He's been
doing that for years, right, Jerry?

Could anybody do that?

- Hey, Sid. What happened?
- I'm sorry, Jerry.

Maybe I'm too old for this stuff.

You left the keys in the car?

Well, they're making that
Woody Allen movie on the block...

and all those people
and trucks everywhere...

and when I saw him,
I must've been distracted.

- You know I'm in that movie.
- You're what?

- Yeah, I'm an extra.
- How'd you get that?

Well, I was just watching them film
yesterday, and some guy asked me.

- Right out of the clear blue sky?
- Clear blue sky.

- Why didn't they ask me?
- I got a quality.

- Hey, Jerry, you got insurance, right?
- Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.

I'm going to visit my sister
in Virginia next Wednesday...

for a week, so I can't park it.

- This Wednesday?
- No, next Wednesday.

Week after this Wednesday.

But the Wednesday two days
from now is the next Wednesday.

If I meant this Wednesday,
I would've said this Wednesday.

It's the week after this Wednesday.

Sid, who's gonna move the cars
while you're away?

Whoever wants to move them.
What do I care who moves them?

They can move themselves
if they want.

Maybe I could move them
until you get back.

What's a young man like you want
to move cars for? You don't work?

I'm in a transition phase right now.

Well, if you want to move the cars,
move the cars.

- Just don't forget to take the keys out.
- All right.

Hello. Yeah, the defroster's
the one on the bottom.

Just slide it all the way over.

You're welcome.

I'm in awe of his intellect.
When he talks, it sounds like...

he's reading from one of his novels.
- Owen March. I never heard of him.

- Well, he's not a baseball player.
- Yeah, that's true.

- It sounds like it's going pretty good.
- Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.

- What's that?
- He's 66 years old.

Next, please.

Go. Go. She...

Go. Come on.

Can I help you? Name, please.

Seinfeld. I made a reservation
for a midsize, and she's a small.

- I'm kidding around, of course.
- Yes.

Okay, let's see here.

- Sixty-six years old?
- Yeah, well, he's in perfect health.

He works out. He's vibrant.
You'd really like him.

Why do people always say that? I hate
everybody. Why would I like him?

Could you go out
with a 66-year-old woman?

Well, I'll tell you, she would
have to be really vibrant.

So vibrant she'd be spinning.

I'm sorry. We have no midsize
available at the moment.

I made a reservation.
Do you have my reservation?

Yes, we do.
Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.

But the reservation
keeps the car here.

That's why you have
the reservation.

- I know why we have reservations.
- I don't think you do.

If you did, I'd have a car.

See, you know how to take
the reservation.

You just don't know how to hold
the reservation.

And that's really the most important
part of the reservation, the holding.

Anybody can just take them.

Let me speak with my supervisor.

Well, here we go.

The supervisor.

- Know what she's saying over there?
- What?

"Hey, Marge, see those two people?
They think I'm talking to you.

So you pretend like you're talking
to me. Okay, now you start talking."

"You mean like this? So it looks like I'm
saying something, but I'm not."

"Say something else,
and they won't yell at me...

because they thought
I was checking with you."

"Okay, I think that's enough.
See you later."

I'm sorry. My supervisor says
there's nothing we can do.

Yeah, it looked like you were in
a real conversation over there.

Well, we do have a compact
if you would like that.

- Fine.
- All right.

Well, we have a blue Ford Escort
for you, Mr. Seinfeld.

- Would you like insurance?
- Yeah, give me the insurance...

because I am gonna beat
the hell out of this thing.

Please fill this out.

Do you think
I'm making a big mistake?

If you enjoy being with him,
that's what's important.

I love being with him.
I mean, I like being with him.

It's okay being with him.

- I just don't enjoy being with him.
- Well, that's what important.

I'm meeting him for lunch
at Chadway's.

Do I have to break up face to face,
or can I just do it over the phone?

- How many times have you been out?
- Seven.

Face to face.

Seven dates is
a face-to-face breakup?

If it was six, I could've let you go.

But seven, I'm afraid,
is over the limit.

Unless, of course, there was no sex.

How's the pasta over there?

What is going on out there?

I need a bucket of water.
I got a car overheating.

I got an alarm that won't go off.

I'm pressing one.
I'm pressing two. Nothing.

What do I do? Help me. Help me.

They were supposed to do
my scene today.

- Today?
- Yeah.

They said they wanted me to walk down
the block carrying this bag of groceries.

So I start to walk, and I trip.
And the grocery bag goes flying...

and Woody starts laughing.
- He was laughing?

Oh, yeah. He was drinking something.
It started to come out of his nose.

- So then what?
- Well, I got a line in the movie!

- Get out!
- That's great.

You got a line
in a Woody Allen movie?

- Pretty good, huh?
- You're in the movie?

- Is he in the scene?
- Yeah, it's me and him.

I might have a new career
on my hands, huh?

You mean "a career."

- So was Mia Farrow there?
- I didn't see him.

- What's your line?
- Well, okay, I'm there with Woody...

you know. I'm at this bar,
and, you know, it's Woody Allen.

- Did I mention that?
- We got it. We got it.

And I'm sitting there with Woody,
and I turn to him and I go:

Boy, these pretzels
are making me thirsty.

- Is that how you're gonna say it?
- No, no. I'm working on it.

Do it like this.

- These pretzels are making me thirsty.
- No.

- These pretzels are making me thirsty.
- No, no. See, that's no good.

You don't know how to act.

These pretzels...

are making me thirsty!

- That was no good?
- I didn't say anything.

All right, I'm gonna go
break up with Owen.

What was wrong with that?
I had a different interpretation.

Do you know anything
about this pretzel guy?

Maybe he's been in the bar
a long time...

and he's really depressed because
he has no job, and no woman...

and he's parking cars for a living!

All right! All right!
Shut up! Shut up!

I hear you! I'm coming down!
These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Yeah!

Oh, my God.

Call an ambulance.

Boy, he took it hard.

We were walking down the block...

I was about to break up with him,
then he started to twitch.

Yes, I need an ambulance at 129
West 81st Street, Apartment 5A.

- Tell them to hurry. Hurry!
- It's an ambulance.

I don't know, but he's unconscious.

These pretzels
are making me thirsty.

These pretzels
are making me thirsty.

- Kramer.
- What happened here?

I don't know. What should we do?
We called an ambulance.

- Anyone know first aid?
- Do something with the extremities.

- What extremities?
- What's an extremity?

You raise the feet,
get blood to the head.

You raise the head,
get blood to the feet.

Okay, what about a cold compress?
They always do that.

- I don't have a washcloth.
- Use a paper towel.

- You can't put that on his head.
- What about a big sponge?

- How you gonna hold it on there?
- Use a belt.

No, no, no. That'll...
It'll drip all over him.

- Should we walk him around?
- I've seen them do that.

- That's for a drug overdose.
- Maybe that's what he's got.

No, I just had lunch with him.
He didn't leave the table.

Well, he could've dropped acid
when you weren't looking.

He is not a drug addict.

Maybe he's diabetic. He might
just need a cookie or something.

- A cookie!
- Can you give him a cookie?

- How's he gonna chew it?
- Move his teeth. Worked for my uncle.

The sugar revived him.

Careful, you're getting crumbs
all over him.

I've got him chewing, but I don't
think he's gonna swallow.

Let's put a few cookies in a
blender and he could drink it.

- Cookies don't liquefy.
- They do. You can liquefy a cookie.

- I'll get the blender.
- I don't have a blender.

- You've got a blender.
- I'd know if I had a blender.

Where is the ambulance?!

Hello, yes. I called for an ambulance
like 35 minutes ago.

I can't believe
what's going on out here.

This is an emergency.
What's taking so long?

Wait a second.
Maybe that's them.

- Hello.
- Paramedics.

Come on up. Okay, they're here.

He seems to be breathing.

You know, I've got to tell you,
he's a pretty good-looking guy.

I know.

Those eyebrows could use a trimming.
You ever mention that?

Almost.

I mean, because, come on,
they're running wild there.

- It's not an easy thing to bring up.
- Yeah, that's true.

You should see his bathrobe, man.
It's all silk.

Yeah. Does he wear slippers.
I bet he wears slippers.

- He does. How'd you know that?
- I could tell.

What happened?
What took you so long?

We got here 20 minutes ago,
but we couldn't move.

The intersection is gridlocked.
I've never seen anything like it.

Finally we make the turn, and this guy
who was triple-parking cars...

slammed into us with a blue Escort.
- Blue Escort?

- That's my rent-a-car!
- Oh, man.

What happened to the car?

I'm sorry. You don't know
what's going on out there!

Who's he?

- This guy I'm seeing.
- What happened?

- We don't know.
- Who put cookies in his mouth?

- Cookies?
- You're not supposed to do that.

- So how'd you hit the car?
- I was moving it across the street.

I looked up and I saw Woody Allen.
I got all distracted.

- It's not even my car. It's a rental.
- What are you doing out there?

You're holding up the production
of the movie.

We can't shoot, and Woody,
he's really mad at you.

Woody mentioned me?
What did he say?

He said, "Who's the moron who's got
the street all screwed up?"

Should I apologize to Woody?

All right, I'll tell you what.

Next time I talk to him,
maybe I'll bring it up.

I'll feel him out.

What do you think first aid was like
hundreds of years ago?

I mean, they had no medicine,
no drugs...

no technology, no equipment.
Basically, they were there first.

That was it. That was the whole
first aid. They sit with you.

That's all they could do.
"Can you help me?"

"No, we can't help you,
but we were the first ones here.

Did you see our truck?
'First aid.' That's our motto.

We show up before anybody."

You didn't say you didn't
know how to drive.

- Should've mentioned that.
- Well, I know how to drive.

Then how did all those cars
get damaged?

Why are people calling me up,
screaming on the phone?

- Most of them cancelled out on me.
- Can I get anybody anything?

Moving cars from one side
to the other...

don't take no more sense
than putting on a pair of pants.

My question to you is:
Who's putting your pants on?

- I put my pants on, Sid.
- I don't believe you.

You can put your pants on,
you can move cars.

I don't want to get into a big
dispute about the pants.

Who's gonna send money to my
sister in Virginia?

Her little boy
needs surgery on his foot.

He'll be walking around with a limp,
because you can't park a few cars.

Maybe I could call my father.

- Hey, you seen the paper yet?
- Interestingly enough, no...

inasmuch as it is my paper.

There's an article on that writer.

"Owen March, prominent author and
essayist, suffered a stroke yesterday...

in the Upper West Side
apartment of a friend."

That's the guy that was here.
You're the friend.

Thanks. "The extent of the damage
would've been far less severe...

had paramedics been able
to reach him sooner."

- Oh, Lord.
- "The commotion also delayed...

production of a Woody Allen movie
that was shooting up the block.

A spokeswoman
for the legendary filmmaker...

said that Mr. Allen
was extremely agitated...

and wondered if his days of shooting
movies in New York were over."

Five seconds.

Jerry, I was five seconds away
from breaking up with him.

Five seconds! The next words out
of my mouth were, "Owen, it's over."

- Can he communicate?
- Yeah. Well, he nods.

And I think he understands me.

He seems to enjoy it
when I read to him.

All right, she's free.

Hi, I called before.
My car got smashed.

So listen. What should I do?
If I break up with him now...

it'll look like I'm abandoning him.
I'll be ostracized from the community.

What community?
There's a community?

Of course there's a community.

All these years, I'm living in
a community, I had no idea.

Sir, the estimate on the damage
to your car is $2866.

- I got the insurance and everything...
- Yes, now, in your report...

you said you weren't the driver
at the time of the accident.

Somebody else was driving it.

All right, well, sir, you're only covered
for when you're driving the car.

What's that?

- You're not covered for other drivers.
- Other drivers?

Your whole business is based
on other drivers. It's a rented car.

That's who's driving it.
Other drivers.

Doesn't my credit card cover me?

- Not that particular one.
- I got a hundred cards.

Here, here. Pick a card.
Take any card you want.

Go ahead. Whichever one.
I don't care.

- If you had read the rental agreement...
- Did you see the size of that document?

It's like the Declaration of
Independence. Who's gonna read that?

Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now,
you are not covered for that damage...

and there is absolutely nothing
that can be done about that.

These pretzels
are making me thirsty.

It's good, isn't it?

Yankee bean.

Why Yankee bean, huh?

Don't they have beans
in the South?

I mean, if you order Yankee bean
in the South, are they offended?

Yankee bean. Yankee bean.

I like my Yankee bean.

Owen...

I think we have to talk.

I mean, I have to talk.

It would be nice if we could,
but, you know, whatever.

Don't get me wrong.
I like coming here and feeding you...

and cleaning a little,
and paying your bills.

I mean, that's good stuff.
Good stuff.

I have a wonderful time when
I'm with you. Wonderful!

But at this point in my life,
I'm not really sure...

that I'm ready to make
a commitment to one person.

I'm just not really sure that we
have enough in common.

I mean, for example:

I like running in the park...

bicycling...

roller-skating,
tennis and skiing...

And, well...

I'm gonna be brutally honest
with you now.

It's a bitch to get here.
It's two subways.

I have to transfer at 42nd Street
to take the double-R.

Anyway, I mean, this doesn't
mean we can't be friends.

These pretzels
are making me thirsty.

Can you die from an odour?

I mean, if you were locked in
a vomitorium for two weeks...

could you die from the odour?
- An overdose of odour. Good question.

Do I smell?

No, no, no. I was just down
at the 42nd Street subway today.

It is disgusting.

Guess who I bumped into? Owen.

- He's all right?
- Yeah, he's almost fully recovered.

Told me he
was just using me for sex.

- Let me get that.
- I got it.

- Please.
- Let me. I smashed your car.

It cost you over $2000.

Yeah, a cup of coffee
should cover it.

- Oh, man.
- What are you doing here?

I got fired from the movie.

- Get out of here. What?
- What?

Well, you know, they were
going to shoot it today.

We rehearsed it twice,
and then Woody yells, "Action."

I turn to him and I say:

"These pretzels are making
me thirsty."

- Right.
- Then I took a swig of beer...

and I slammed the glass down
on the bar, and it shattered.

Well, one of the pieces
must've hit Woody...

and he started crying.

And he yells out, "I'm bleeding,"
and he runs off.

Anyway, this woman, she came up
to me, and she says, "You're fired."

Boy, I really nailed that scene.

Oh, wait a...

Oh, for crying out loud.

The best part of a relationship
is when you're sick.

The best part of being sick
is when you're in a relationship.

But if I got married,
you know those vows...

for richer or for poorer,
for better or for worse.

All I need is the sickness.
That is the most important one.

"Do you take this man in sickness?"

That's the time
I need somebody there.

The rest of the time,
go out, have a ball.

But if I get the sniffles,
you better be there.