Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Heart Attack - full transcript

You know, I gotta say that I'm enjoying
adulthood for a lot of reasons.

I'll tell you reason number one:

As an adult, if I want a cookie,
I have a cookie, okay?

I have three cookies
or four cookies...

or 11 cookies if I want.

Many times, I will intentionally ruin
my entire appetite.

Just ruin it.

And then I call my mother up
right after to tell her that I did it.

"Hello, Mom? Yeah, I just ruined
my entire appetite.

Cookies."

So what if you ruin it?



As an adult, we understand
even if you ruin an appetite...

there's another appetite coming
right behind it.

There's no danger
in running out of appetites.

I've got millions of them.
I ruin them whenever I want.

Look, Zigmond. Look at the sky!

The planet's on fire!

It is just as you prophesised!

The planets of our solar system
incinerating...

like flaming globes, Zigmond,
like flaming globes!

Zigmond...

- Coffee.
- Thank you.

What do you got, a cucumber?

Yeah. So what?

You're bringing in
an outside cucumber?



They refuse to put cucumber
in the salad. I need cucumber.

What have I done? What...?
I can't read this.

"Fullman hurtel vom"?

I got up last night, I wrote this down.
I thought I had this great bit.

Wait a second.

"Fax me some halibut."

Is that funny? Is that a joke?

No. Let me see that.

"Don't mess with Johnny."

Johnny? Johnny who?

Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny
on The Tonight Show?

Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?

Let me see that.

- Hey, where's Kramer?
- I don't know.

That's like asking,
"Where's Waldo?"

I think I'm having a heart attack.

I don't think that's it.

- I'm not kidding.
- What does that mean?

I think what he's trying to say...

is that he's having a heart attack.

Oh, he's having a heart attack.

- Tightness.
- Come on.

- Shortness of breath.
- This is ridiculous.

- Radiating waves of pain.
- I know what this is!

You saw that show on PBS last night,
Coronary Country.

I saw it in the TV Guide,
I called him...

told him make sure
and not watch it.

There was nothing else on.

- Here, have some water.
- Oh, the left arm, left arm.

He saw that show
on anorexia last year...

ate like an animal for two weeks.

Why can't I have a heart attack?!
I'm allowed.

You want me to take you
to the hospital?

Manhattan Memorial. Less of a line.

I'll call an ambulance.

Is everything all right?

We'll just take a check.

You made a mistake on the...

George.

Are you okay?

I'm George. George Costanza.

I never been in the hospital
a day in my life...

except when I had my tonsils out.

You know, they never gave me
any ice cream.

- I always felt that if they...
- Shut up!

- Well, what do you think?
- "Salami salami bologna."

Definitely.

"Salami salami bologna"?

Oh, your friend's fine. He didn't have a
heart attack. I'll be in in a few minutes.

What a surprise.

Hey.

How you doing, buddy?

You need anything?

You want me to go out,
get you a Superman comic?

No. No, thanks.

You know, I was wondering...

you know that Blackhawks jacket
you have?

Oh, sure, my Blackhawks jacket.
I love my Blackhawks jacket.

Well, you know, I was thinking,
if things don't exactly...

work out...

Well, it wouldn't fit you.
The sleeves are too short.

No, I tried it on. It fits good.

I didn't think about
what I was gonna do...

with all the things...
- Well, you know...

Well...

- Well, okay.
- Oh, and...

do you think it'd be all right
if I called Susan Davis?

Susan Davis?! Hey, wait a second!

Well, it's not like we'll be
bumping into you.

I don't know. You and Susan Davis?

You know...

if your future was more certain...

Okay.

Go ahead. Call her.

Get married. Have babies.
Have a great life.

What do I care? I'm finished.

It's all over for me.

In fact...

let's end it right now.

Jerry...

kill me.

Kill me now. I'm begging you.

Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.

Just take the pillow
and put it over my face.

Well...

- What, kind of like this?
- What...? What are you...?

Jerry! Hey!

Jerry!

Elaine. What are you doing here?

Jerk-off.

There's nothing wrong with him.
I saw the doctor. He's fine.

Hi, George.

How you feeling?

Is anybody getting your apartment?

I'll tell you, if I ever get out of here...

l'm gonna change my life.

I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing.

Take up yoga.

Meditate. I'll eat right.

Calm down, you know?

Lose my anger.

Hey, is anybody listening?!

Hello.

Mr. Costanza.

Excuse me.

Yeah, you know, doc, I gotta tell you,
I feel a lot better.

Well, we looked at your EKGs, ran
some tests, did a complete workup.

Oh, God. Mommy.

Well, you simply haven't had
a heart attack.

I haven't?

I'm okay?

I'm okay? Oh, thank you!

Thank you!

I don't know how to thank you!

Hey, that was really fun, George.
Can we go home now?

No, we'd like to keep him overnight
for observation, just to be safe.

Oh, sure, sure, anything.

Can you believe it?
Nothing's wrong with me.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

What?

Oh, my God. What?

Is it meningitis?

Scoliosis?

Lupus? Is it lupus?!

Have you ever had your tonsils
taken out?

My tonsils?

Yeah, when I was a kid.

Well, they've grown back.

And your adenoids are swollen too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, whose tonsils grow back?
- It happens.

Yeah, if you've been exposed
to gamma rays.

I still have my tonsils.

Everyone in my family has theirs.

In fact, we were forbidden
to socialize with anybody...

who didn't have their tonsils.

That's interesting, because no one
in my family has their tonsils.

And we were forbidden to socialize
with tonsil people.

Well, it's like the Capulets
and the Montagues.

Excuse me.

Anyway, I strongly recommend
they come out.

What? You mean, with a knife?

Yes, with a knife.
You know, snip, snip.

Anyway, you'd be completely under.
You wouldn't feel a thing.

And when you wake up,
you can have some ice cream.

Yeah, that's what they told me
the last time.

Think about it.

Excuse me.

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.

I just have to ask that doctor
one more...

question.

Women go after doctors
like men go after models.

They want someone with knowledge
of the body. We just want the body.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Boy...

they got a great cafeteria
downstairs.

Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.

It's like Sizzler opened up a hospital.

Boy...

So how did you have a heart attack?

You're a young man.

What were you doing?

They gonna do a zipper job?

- Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.
- Kramer.

You know, the really bad thing
about the heart is the sex thing.

See, you gotta be careful
about sex now.

You get that heart pumping...

Suddenly, boom!
Next thing you know...

you got a hose coming out of your
chest attached to a piece of luggage.

Kramer, George didn't have
a heart attack.

No? That's good.

I have to have my tonsils taken out.

Oh, man. No.

George, we gotta get you out of here.
Get out right now.

They'll kill you in here.

It's routine surgery.

Oh, yeah?
My friend Bob Sacamano...

he came in here
for a hernia operation.

Oh, yeah, "routine surgery."

Now he's sitting in a chair
by a window going:

"My name is Bob!"

George, whatever you do,
don't let them cut you.

Don't let them cut you.

Well, what should I do, Kramer?

- For one thing, don't listen to him.
- I'll tell you what you do.

I'll tell you what you do.
You go to Tor Ackman.

Tor. He'll fix you right up.

He's an herbalist, a healer, George.

He's not just gonna fix the tonsils
and the adenoids.

He is gonna change
the whole way you function.

Body and mind.

Ackman? I thought he was doing time.

No, no, he's out. He got out.

See, the medical establishment...

See, they tried to frame him.
It's all politics, but he's a rebel.

A rebel?

No, Johnny Yuma was a rebel.

Ackman is a nut.

You wanna take care of your tonsils,
do it in a hospital with a doctor.

He's holistic.

George, he's holistic.

- Holistic?
- Yeah.

That sounds right.

George, you need a medical doctor.

Let me ask you something.

How much do you think it would cost
to have tonsils and adenoids...

removed in a hospital?

Well, an overnight stay in a hospital,
minor surgery, I don't know...

four grand?

- How much does the healer charge?
- First visit? 38 bucks.

Oh, yeah. Holistic.

That's what I need.
That's the answer.

You like the way I talked you
into coming?

Don't flatter yourself,
my friend.

I'm here strictly for material.
And I have a feeling...

this is a potential gold mine.
I still think you're nuts, though.

All I know is, I've been going to doctors
all my life. What's it gotten me?

I'm 33, I haven't outgrown
the problems of puberty...

l'm already facing
the problems of old age.

I completely skipped
healthy adulthood.

I went from having orgasms
immediately to taking forever.

You can do your taxes in the time
it takes me to have an orgasm.

I never had a normal...

medium orgasm.

I never had a really good pickle.

Besides, what's it gonna cost me,
38 bucks?

Would you not put your foot
on that, please?

Sorry.

- What month were you born?
- April.

You should have been born
in August.

Your parents would have been
well-advised to wait.

Really?

Do you use hot water in the shower?

- Yes.
- Stop using it.

- Okay.
- I'm off hot water.

Kramer tells me that you are interested
in an alternative to surgery.

Yes. Yes, I am.

I think we can help you.

See, unfortunately,
the medical establishment...

is a business
like any other business.

And business needs customers.

They want to sell you
their most expensive item...

which is unnecessary surgery.

Can I use hot water on my face?

No. You know...

I am not a businessman.

I am a holistic healer.
It's a calling. It's a gift.

You see, it's in the best interest
of the medical profession...

that you remain sick.
See, that insures good business.

You're not a patient,
you're a customer.

And you're not a doctor,
but you play one in real life.

What about shaving?

You're eating too much dairy.

May I?

I guess so.

You see?

You are in disharmony.

The throat is the gateway to the lung.

Tonsillitis, adenoiditis is,
in Chinese medical terms...

an invasion of heat and wind.

There's some hot air blowing
in here.

You know...

I lived with the Eskimos
many years ago...

and they used to plunge their faces
into the snow.

Can it be lukewarm?

Too much dairy? You really think
I'm eating too much dairy.

The tongue.

Yes, the tongue.

Or, in medical terms, the glossa.

It's a muscular organ.

Consists of two parts:

The body and the root.

You see, it's covered
by this mucous membrane.

These raised little projections here
are the papillae.

It's what gives it
its furred appearance.

Very tactile.

Your tea is ready now.

This will solve your so-called
tonsil problem.

It's a special concoction.

- It contains cramp bark.
- I love cramp bark.

Cleavers.

Cleaver? I once had cleaver as a kid.
I was able to lift a car.

And some couch grass.

Couch grass and cramp bark?

I think that's what killed Curly.

Go ahead, drink it, George.

Excuse me. Tor?

May I ask you a question?

You have intuitive abilities.

You're in touch with a lot
of cosmic kind of things.

I have this note I can't read.
I was wondering if...

Yes!

"Cleveland, 117. San Antonio, 109."

Go ahead, George, drink it.

It's not too bad.

I'm an eggplant!

I'm an eggplant! I'm a vegetable!

I didn't take your Chuckle!

I had five Chuckles. I ate the green
and the yellow. The red is missing.

- I don't even like Chuckles!
- Maybe he doesn't like them.

My face! My face!
Get me to the hospital!

I want that Chuckle, you hear?

You want me to get you a Chuckle?

- Pull over.
- Pull over?

- "Pull over"? You want a piece of me?
- Yeah!

- What, you're gonna fight?
- No! I'm a mutant!

- Let me drive.
- Come on, man, pull over!

All right. I'm gonna
mess you up, man!

Really, gentlemen, please.

My heart!

Where are you going?!
Are you crazy?!

- I'm gonna kick his ass!
- Hey, do you have keys?

You can't leave!
This is an ambulance!

- This is an emergency!
- I don't like Chuckles, man.

If I hear you one more time,
I'm gonna kill you!

- All this over a Chuckle.
- What's a Chuckle?

It's a jelly candy.
Comes in five flavours.

You see, taste buds run
on grooves along surfaces.

- Can you let go of my tongue now?
- What?

- Let go of my tongue.
- Oh, sorry.

Well, I should get going.

- What are you doing?
- I was gonna kiss you good night.

A kiss?

With the tongue? The glossa
with the bumps and the papillae?

I don't think so.

- You can't just leave him there.
- I told him I was gonna mess him up.

- Can you call him an ambulance?
- I told him I didn't take his Chuckle!

- I don't eat that gooey crap!
- Hey, watch the road.

- Watch the road, man.
- Hey, you want some of what he got?

- Hey, watch out!
- Watch out!

How you doing?

Can't talk?

Hey, how'd you get the plastic one?

I like that.

So how's life without tonsils?

What? What's that?

So how much is this thing gonna
cost you, like 5000, 6000?

Well, live and learn.
At least we lived.

Kramer went to Ackman.
He feels all better already.

What? What are you doing?

Oh, poor George.

I'm sorry, I can't stay long.
I don't want to run into Dr. Tongue.

Here, I brought you something.

See?

- Oh, please, come on. It's nothing.
- Hey, turn up the TV.

The planet's on fire!

It is just as you prophesised.

The planets of our solar system
incinerating...

like flaming globes, Zigmond,
like flaming globes!

That's it! That's it!
"Flaming globes of Zigmond"!

That's my note.
That's what I thought was so funny.

It's not funny.

There's nothing funny about that.

Shut up!

I have a friend who's a hypochondriac.
Always thinks he's sick, never is.

Then you have another type
of person...

always thinks they're well,
no matter how bad they are.

You know this type of person?
Very annoying. "Feel great.

I like being on a respirator.

Intravenous, heart-lung machine.
I never felt better in my life."

Medical science is making advances
every day to control health problems.

In fact, it's probably only
a matter of time...

before a heart attack
becomes like a headache.

We'll just see people on TV going:

"I had a heart attack this big...

but I gave myself
one of these: Clear!

And it's gone."