Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Busboy - full transcript

I'm not a foodie.

I don't:

"Oh, this is too rare.
Oh, it's too salty."

Just eat it and shut up.

I'll eat anywhere,
whatever they're having.

I've eaten rolls off of
room-service trays in hotel hallways.

I have. That's not a joke.

This is my life.

I don't know, somebody left it.

Why would somebody poison a roll
and leave it in the hallway...

for some comic coming down
at 2:00 in the morning?



Why would they do that?

Sometimes you go to a restaurant,
they put the check in a little book.

What is this,
the story of the bill?

"Once upon a time, there were some
very hungry people." What is this?

Little gold tassel hanging down.
Am I graduating from the restaurant?

What is this about?

You want some of mine?

- Take some of mine.
- Why do I get pesto?

Why do I think I'll like it?

I keep trying to like it.

- Like I have to like it.
- Who said you have to like it?

Everybody likes pesto.

You walk into a restaurant,
that's all you hear. Pesto. Pesto.

- I don't like pesto.
- Where was pesto 10 years ago?



Look at that guy.

I'll bet you he's getting
hair transplants.

Anytime you see a guy that age
wearing a baseball cap, 10-1, plugs.

The thing about that painting
is with the colours and...

Oh, yeah, plugola.

One more thing about the car.
Let it warm up for a minute.

Yeah, that's a tough minute.

It's like waiting in the shower
for the conditioner to work.

I don't understand why
he couldn't take a cab.

- Who?
- Elaine is having...

a houseguest.

She's picking him up
at the airport tonight.

- A guy?
- Yes, it's a guy.

He's from Yakima, right?

- Seattle.
- Everybody's moving to Seattle.

It's the pesto of cities. So?

Well, you tell.

Well, from what I can piece together,
our friend here met a gentleman...

- Ed.
- Who was in town...

on a business venture, and...?

We shared
an interpersonal experience.

- Go on.
- So they went out a few times...

but, apparently, when the fellow
returned home...

he discovered that the Benes tattoo
does not wash off so easily.

On some people.

So he's coming to stay with her
for a week.

It was just gonna be a weekend,
but then, somehow, it became a week.

- Wait a second.
- All right, okay.

- All right, all right, okay.
- What happened?

Oh, the busboy left the menu
a little close to the candle.

I'm sorry for the disturbance.

- I'm never eating here again.
- Yeah.

- Nice going.
- Thank you.

- That ought to get us a free dessert.
- Yeah.

I think the busboy's in trouble.

Did I get him in trouble
because of what I said?

I just told him what happened.
He didn't do it on purpose.

He pointed at me.

- Why did they point at me?
- I said I would never eat here again...

but he had to know I was kidding.

I didn't say anything.

I can't believe it. He's going.
He's fired.

- Oh, I said it in a kidding way.
- I didn't know he'd get fired.

He'll probably kill his family
over this.

What if he's waiting for me outside?

He pointed at me.
Did you see him point?

Lot of ex-cons become busboys.

They seem to gravitate towards it.

- Was it my fault?
- Was it my fault?

Maybe I'll try that pesto.

Look, I feel bad for him too,
but he'll get another job.

Let's face it, it's not a profession
where you embellish your r?sum?...

and undergo a series
of gruelling interviews.

- Like you really know busboys.
- Oh, like you do.

- Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.
- Camp.

It was a fat camp.
Those kids depended on me.

- Elaine?
- Yeah.

Busboys are always changing jobs.
That's the business.

I know, I work with these guys.

I talk with them in the kitchens
at the comedy clubs.

Why don't you get him another job?

I'd love to. But I don't know
anything about him.

He could walk around the street
pricking people with pins.

I don't know if you people
are aware of this...

but I am one clever chickadee.

What, did you get
the busboy's number?

His phone's been disconnected,
but I was able to obtain an address.

1324 Amsterdam Avenue,
apartment 4D.

Now, I did my job.

- May I have the car keys, please?
- How did you get all this?

Does the word "charm"
mean anything to you?

No.

Now you're going to his apartment?
I think this is nuts.

I'd like to apologize. I wanna tell him
I didn't mean to get him in trouble.

- So you're going now?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna see if there's anything
I can do.

Get him another job.
Maybe I'll hear of something.

Maybe the fat camp.

- You're not going?
- I would...

but I have to pick up Ed
at the airport.

I just don't think
you should go alone.

- Can't you wait till after my set?
- It will take too long.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Take the K-Man.

A little support.

- I don't...
- What? What? Take me where?

Where?

Look, I really appreciate
your coming...

but if you wouldn't mind...

try not to say too much.

What am I gonna say?

I don't know.

Well, I'm not an idiot.

Certainly not.

Then we're cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're cool.

I'm sorry to bother you.
I was in the restaurant earlier...

and I was wondering if I could
talk to you about what happened.

Thanks.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
It's just that...

I think I may have,
without realizing it...

been responsible
for getting you fired.

And I just...

I wanted you to know that I did
not intend for that to happen.

He's a hell of a guy.

This is...

a guy I know. Kramer.

Oh, my God.

Waterbed?

Anyway, I...

I just wanted to let you know
that I'm really sorry that happened.

And if I can help out in any way,
I'll certainly be glad to do that.

Well, I guess that's about it.

You got anything to drink?

- We really should be going.
- Let me get a glass of water.

Hurry up.

Paquita?

Paquita?

His cat's gone.

Who left the door open?

Who left the door open?

Come on! Come on! Help me look!

You know, the cats,
they run away all the time.

You know, my aunt, she had a cat,
ran away, showed up three years later.

You never know.

They got things in their brains.
They remember where they're from.

Unless somebody starts feeding her.
See, that's what you gotta worry about.

Once again, Antonio,
I can't even begin to say...

how deeply, deeply sorry
I am about everything.

The job...

the cat...

The lamp.

There's wire sticking out.

Yeah.

Here's my card.

I'm in real estate.

So if you're ever looking for
something bigger, something nicer...

Maybe not right away.

Anyway...

You ought to get that wire fixed.

I got the door.

George, stop worrying about this guy.
It wasn't your fault.

Come on. He's not stalking you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

He doesn't even know where you live.

Who told you to give him
your business card?

That's Elaine.

Kramer.

George wants to know when
you wanna go look for the cat again.

Well, it's been a week.
It's up to the cat now.

Kramer says it's up to the cat now.

It'll be on your conscience.

- Oh, how do you figure?
- How do you figure?

You're the one who left
the door open.

Why was I in charge
of closing the door?

Why was he in charge
of closing the door?

Because you came in after him.

- So?
- So?

- Last person in should close the door.
- Let me talk to him.

Talk... Call him from your house.

He's calling you now.

Okay.

Ed's downstairs.
Can I have the car keys?

- No "hello"?
- You got any aspirin?

Hello.

Now, lookit, you guarantee me...

this car's gonna get me
to the airport tomorrow, no problem?

Guarantee? Hey, it's a car.

Because if there's even
the slightest chance of any problem...

I don't wanna take it. If I don't
get this guy on a plane to Seattle...

and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him
and anyone who tries to stop me.

So did you have
a nice week together?

I heard a little ping in the car last time.
What was that ping?

There's no ping.
Why are you so wacky?

Jerry, you cannot imagine
how much I hate this guy.

And he hasn't even done anything.
It's this situation.

He's a wonderful guy,
but I hate his guts.

So have you two been...?

No!

I told him I've been having my period
the last five days.

And I'm sleeping all squished
over on the edge of my bed.

But I've only got 14 hours to go,
and nothing can go wrong now.

I've taken care of everything.
I've confirmed the plane reservation...

checked weather...
- What's your airport route?

I got it all mapped out.
I'm taking the tunnel.

What about the Van Wyck?

I spoke to a cab driver.

For 5 bucks, he turned me onto
the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut.

Now look, his plane leaves at 10:15,
we're getting up at about 8.

- Gives us enough time, right?
- You still using that alarm clock?

No, I bought a new one today.
It's got everything.

If you oversleep, a hand comes out
and slaps you in the face.

Flying doesn't make me nervous.
Driving to the airport...

can make you very nervous.

Because when you're flying,
getting on a plane...

if you miss that plane,
there's no alternative.

On the ground, you have options.

You have buses, you have taxis,
you have trains.

But when you're taking a flight,
if you miss it, that's it.

No airline goes, "Well, you missed
the flight. We do have a cannon...

leaving in 10 minutes.
Would you be interested in that?

It's not a direct cannon. You have
to change cannons after you land."

"Sir, where are you going,
Chicago?

Oh, Dallas. All right. Wait a second.

Dallas, that's about Dallas. Texas,
anyway. You should hit Texas. Ready?

Get out of the net immediately...

because we shoot the luggage in
right after you."

Get up. The alarm didn't go off.
You're gonna miss the plane, it's 9:15.

- 9:15?
- Yeah. It's 9:15!

We'll never make it.
I'll leave tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Are you crazy?
No. Now, now, let's go.

Let's go. You get dressed,
you get dressed.

- Can I shower?
- Shower? Are you out of your mind?

I gotta shower. I'll feel dirty all day.

Forget the shower. The shower's out.
Just move it. Put your clothes on.

- Where are you going?
- The kitchen.

- The kitchen?
- Got a bag of cashews in there.

No, they're not making it.
Here, put your pants on.

- Put your pants on.
- What's the big deal?

- I'll go tomorrow or the next day.
- No, you have your ticket.

- You have to go now.
- We'll never make it.

- Don't say that.
- Well, it takes 45 minutes to get...

It takes 45 minutes to get there.
That will only leave me five minutes...

to get to the plane.
- Shut up and pack!

And what if I don't make the plane?
You'll have left. Then what do I do?

You're talking too much.

- Where's my sweater?
- What?

- My brown sweater.
- What sweater?

- My brown sweater.
- You didn't bring a brown sweater.

- I got a brown sweater.
- Here. You want a sweater?

You want a brown sweater,
you got a brown sweater.

- I can't take your sweater.
- It's brown!

What are you doing?

No. There's no time for folding,
no time for folding. I think that's it.

- My shoes, you packed my shoes.
- Shoes? Shoes?

Shoes weren't invented till
the fourth century.

People walked around
for thousands of years without them!

I have this! Let's go. Let's go.

- Anywhere in the city?
- Anywhere in the city.

I'll tell you the best public toilet.

Okay...

54th and Sixth.

Sperry-Rand building,
14th floor, Morgan Apparel.

Mention my name,
she'll give you the key.

All right, 65th and 10th.

Are you kidding?

Lincoln Center, Alice Tully Hall,
the Met.

Magnificent facilities.

I never knew I could drive like that.

I was going faster
than I've ever gone before.

And yet it all seemed
to be happening in slow motion.

I was seeing three
and four moves ahead...

weaving in and out of lanes like an
Olympic skier on a gold-medal run.

I knew I was challenging
the very laws of physics.

At Queens Boulevard,
I took the shoulder.

At Jewel Avenue, I used the median.

I had it. I was there. And then...

I hit the Van Wyck.

They say no one's ever beaten
the Van Wyck...

but, gentlemen, I tell you this:

I came as close as anyone ever has.

And if it hadn't been
for that five-car pileup...

on Rockaway Boulevard...

that numbskull...

would be on a plane
for Seattle right now...

instead of looking
for a parking space...

downstairs.

- You did everything.
- You tried.

The busboy's coming.

- The busboy's coming.
- The busboy's coming?

- You don't mean here.
- I buzzed him in. He's on his way up.

He's coming up?
I'll check you out later.

- Where are you going?
- I'm the one he wants.

- He's coming to settle the score.
- No. You three all know each other.

There's no point in me
getting involved at this stage.

No, he's not gonna do anything.
I guarantee it.

The hell with it! Let him kill me, l...

Antonio! Antonio, in here.

Hey, Antonio, how's it going?

Three nights ago...

a gas main beneath
the restaurant exploded...

killing five people in my section...

including the busboy
who replaced me.

If I'm not fired that night
because of you...

and your thoughtless,
stupid, insensitive remarks...

it would have been me.

You saved my life!

Come on.

- Yeah?
- It's Eddie.

- He's coming up.
- And the same night of the accident...

while looking for Paquita...

I find a job in a restaurant
where they pay me...

almost twice
what I was making before.

And, when I returned
to the apartment...

Paquita, perhaps frightened
from the explosion...

had miraculously returned.

Well...

now I must go, for today
I am starting my new, wonderful job...

and I am very late.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you all.

Hey, watch where you're going.
You almost knocked my head off.

Why don't you watch
where you're going, okay?

- Because you bumped into me.
- Who do you think you're talking to?

Hey, get your hands off me!

You go to hell!

He'll get another job.

He's a busboy.

It won't be for a while.

At least not till after the cast
comes off.

That fall down the stairs,
that's what did it.

That's not how it happened.

It's when he fell on him
with his knee.

That was awful. Poor Antonio.

Thanks.

So, much longer?

Till when? Till he goes back to Seattle
or till he can feed himself?

I guess it's not important.

Take care of yourselves.

I should probably get going too.

If I don't feed Paquita by 7,
she goes all over everything.

Take it easy.

Yeah.

How you doing?

First of all, I can't believe
that people actually do fight.

People have fistfights in life.
I can't really believe...

that we have boxing, either.
It's really an amazing thing.

The problem with boxing,
you have two guys having a fight...

that have no prior argument.

Why don't they have the boxers
come into the ring in little cars...

drive around a bit,
have a little accident, they get out:

"Didn't you see my signal?
Look at that fender!"

Then you'd see a real fight.