Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Stock Tip - full transcript

Went to dinner the other night,
check came at the end of the meal.

Never liked the
"check at the end of the meal" system.

Money's a different thing
before you eat.

Before you eat, money has no value.

You don't care
when you're hungry.

You sit down in a restaurant, you're
the ruler of an empire. "More drinks!

Appetizers! Quickly, quickly.

It will be the greatest
meal of our lives."

Then after the meal, you know,
you got the pants open...

you got the napkins destroyed...

cigarette butt
in the mashed potatoes.



Then the check comes at that moment.

People are always upset, you know?

They're mystified by the check.

"What is this?

How could this be?"

They start passing it around the table,
"Does this look right to you?

We're not hungry now.
Why are we buying all this food?"

I think Superman probably has
a very good sense of humour.

I never heard him say anything funny.

It's common sense.

He's got super strength, super speed.

I'm sure he's got super humour.

You would think that, but...

either you're born with humour
or you're not. It's not gonna change.



Even if you go
from the red sun of Krypton...

all the way to the yellow sun
of the Earth.

Why? Why would that one area
of his mind...

not be affected
by the yellow sun of the Earth?

I don't know. But he ain't funny.

Hi.

I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.

No problem.

I dropped a grape.

- What?
- I dropped a grape in the kitchen...

and it disappeared.

I couldn't find it. I was... I was
literally on my knees for 10 minutes...

looking for this stupid grape.

I have no idea where it went.

Were you crying?
I mean, it's just a grape.

You'll find it.

No. I'm just getting over
an allergy attack.

- This guy I'm going out with...
- Robert.

Robert. Yes. Thank you.

He has two cats,
and I'm allergic to them.

You know, I finally meet
a normal man...

and I can't even go
into his apartment.

Of course, my apartment
is The Actors' Studio...

so we can't go there. It's really
causing a lot of problems, you know?

He won't even go away for
the weekend because of these cats.

Guys with cats... I don't know.

I been thinking of asking
this girl I'm seeing...

Vanessa?

Vanessa. Thank you.

I been thinking about asking her
to go away a couple days.

Oh, no. No, no.

I'd have to advise against that.

What do you know this woman,
a month?

You're gonna be with her 72 hours,
that's a dating decathlon.

Why don't you take her to that place
in Vermont I was telling you about?

That really charming place with the...

with the separate faucets
for the hot and cold.

She'll love it.

That's exquisite.
Listen, if it's not too much trouble...

could you pass me
that paper over there?

Just the business section.

You better find that grape before
it mutates into another life form.

There was once a mutant grape...

that terrorized an entire town
in the Texas panhandle.

They brought in the Army.
Nobody could stop it.

Apparently, it had a pit of steel.

Up again. This is incredible.

- I'm getting it.
- You're getting what?

- A stock.
- What stock?

- You ever meet my friend Simons?
- Maybe.

This guy Wilkenson made a fortune
in the stock market.

Now he's got some new thing, there
was supposed to be a big merger.

I wasn't even supposed
to say anything.

- You should think about this.
- How high is it supposed to go?

I don't know. But Simons said
if I wanted to get involved...

Wilkenson would tell me
the exact right minute to sell.

- You wanna do it?
- Boy, I don't know.

I don't have any money.

What kind of company is it?

It's called Centrax. They got
some new kind of technique...

for televising opera.

Televising opera?

Some sort of electronic thingy.

How much are you gonna invest?

Five thousand. Ten... Ten thousand.

Five thousand.

- Boy.
- Come on!

Wilkenson's got millions
invested in this stock.

It's gone up three points
since I've been watching it.

- What if I lose it?
- Come on! Go for 2500.

We'll do it together.
Come on, come on.

We're in it together.

- All right, 2500.
- That's it.

Yeah, can I take your order?

Check to the raiser.

My bet? All right.

I'll open with the tuna sandwich.

- Tuna?
- Oh, the dolphin thing?

They're dying in the nets.

You know, the whole concept of lunch
is based on tuna.

Jerry, can't you incorporate one
unselfish act in your daily routine?

Hey, when I'm driving, I let people
in ahead of me all the time.

I'm always waving everybody in.

"Go ahead. Go ahead."

All right, all right.
I'll have the chicken salad.

And I'm gonna have...

an English muffin with margarine
on the side, and a cup of coffee.

Okay, what about you?

I'll have the tuna.

I have to say,
those people talking behind us...

really ruined that movie for me.

Why didn't you do something?

What do you want me to do?

I gave the guy the half-turn.

Then I gave him the full turn
with the eye roll.

I mean, beyond that,
I'm risking a punch in the mouth.

Excuse me.
Do you have these in the puffs?

No puffs. Just flakes.

Have you thought any more
about that trip?

Yeah. I've been thinking about it.

You know, my friend told me
about this place in Vermont.

I don't know. I just worry about
trips like this. It's a lot of pressure.

It's great.
It speeds up the intimacy level.

It's like putting the relationship
in a time compressor.

Where we would be
six months from now...

we accomplish in three days.

So you want to move our relationship
into phase two.

Exactly. I love phase two.

Extra toothbrushes,
increased phone call frequency...

walking around naked.

You know, the presents get a lot better
in phase two.

Really?

Can we go fishing up there?

We can fish. What,
blues, carp, marlin?

- Marlin in Vermont?
- Oh.

Big fighting marlin.

Jerry, the stock is the same
as when you checked earlier.

There are no changes after the market
closes, the stock is still down.

I know, but this is a different paper.
I thought maybe they have different...

sources.

Is that my paper?

Bad news, my friend.

- What, what news?
- Centrax.

Oh, come on. It's down again?

- Two and a half points.
- Oh, I can't believe it. Let me see that.

That's four and a half points
in three days.

- That's almost half my money.
- Hey, I told you.

- Yeah, you told me.
- It's all manipulated with junk bonds.

You can't win.

There's one thing I don't understand.

Why does it please you?

George Costanza, please.

I'm just telling you
to get rid of that stock now!

George, what's going on?

Sell them! Just say, "I'm selling!"

Well, where is the guy?

Nothing?
Almost half my money's gone.

Well, call me right back.

Nobody can reach Wilkenson, he
hasn't been in his office in three days.

I can't believe you put your money
in that Centrax.

You could have invested
in my roll-out tie dispenser.

The roll-out tie dispenser.

- What was that?
- Okay. You're in a restaurant.

You got a very big meeting
coming up.

- Okay.
- "Oh, man!"

You got mustard on your tie.

- Oh, no.
- You just...

tear it off and...

you got a new one right here.

Then, you're gone.

You're gone, all right.

Hey, where you going?
You gonna take a trip? The map...

Yeah, I'm going to Vermont
with Vanessa for a few days.

Hey, can I use your place?

I got a bunch of friends coming over
this weekend.

- What friends?
- Just people I met at a rock concert.

You mind if they use your bed?

Because they're good people, Jerry.
You know, they're anarchists.

They're... They're huge.

George, what?

You're kidding.

Well, what's wrong?

So, what are we gonna do?

Great. All right, I'll speak to you later.

Wilkenson, the guy who's supposed
to tell us when to sell the stock...

he's in the hospital.

You don't know what's wrong
with him?

All Simons was able to find out
is that he's in the hospital.

Okay, fine.
Has Simons been in touch with him?

Of course he's been in touch with him.
He left two messages.

He hasn't heard back yet,
that's all.

Well, this is it. I'm selling.

Just give it a little more time.

I never should've gotten involved
with this, I'm a nervous wreck...

l'm not cut out for investing.

All right. That's it.
I'm gonna go down there.

- Where?
- To the hospital.

- The hospital?
- I'm gonna find out what's going on.

Are you nuts?
You don't even know the guy.

So what?
I'll start talking to him, you know...

casual, I'll work my way
around to it.

What if he's in an iron lung
or something?

What are you gonna do?

"How you feeling, Mr. Wilkenson?

By the way,
what's happening with Centrax?"

Maybe he's there resting.

Who goes to a hospital to rest?

What are you, a doctor?

Okay, fine.
When are you going down there?

Today. I'm going today.

Just don't do anything
until you hear from me.

All right.

Boy, I have to get to a bathroom.

- May I help you?
- Yeah, I picked up this shirt yesterday.

It's completely shrunk.

There's absolutely no way
I can wear it.

- When did you bring it in?
- What's the difference? Look.

Do you see the size of this shirt?

- You got a receipt?
- I can't find the receipt.

- You should get the receipt.
- Look, forget the receipt.

Even if I had the receipt, look at it.

It's a hand puppet.

What am I gonna do with this?

Yes, but how do I know
we did the shirt?

What do you think,
this is a little scam I have?

I take this tiny shirt all over the city...

conning dry cleaners
out of money?

Forget money.
I don't even want the money.

I just once would like to hear
a dry cleaner admit...

that something was their fault.
That's what I want.

I want an admission of guilt.

Maybe you asked for it to be washed.

No. Dry-cleaned.

Let me explain
to you something, okay?

With certain types of fabrics, different
chemicals can react, causing...

You shrunk it.
You know you shrunk it.

Just tell me you shrunk it.

I shrunk it.

I think the only reason
we go to the dry cleaner...

is so I can say to the dry cleaner:

"Well, it's ruined."

Of course the dry cleaner
can respond:

"It's not our fault.

We're not responsible.
We just ruin the clothes.

That ends our legal obligation."

See, the whole problem
with dry-cleaning...

is that we all believe
that this is actually possible.

Right?
They're cleaning our clothes...

but they're not getting anything wet.

It's all dry.

I know there's gotta be some liquids
back there, some fluids they're using.

There's no such thing as dry-cleaning.

When you get something on your
shirt, ever try and get it off like that?

That's dry-cleaning.

I don't think that's what they're doing,
have 80 guys going:

"Come on. Hurry up.

There's a lot of shirts today."

- Bless you.
- Thank you.

What evidence is there that cats are
so smart anyway? What do they do?

Because they're clean?

I'm sorry. My uncle Pete
showers four times a day...

and he can't count to 10,
so don't give me hygiene.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.
I can't think of any solution.

Unless, of course, they should meet
with some unfortunate accident.

What do you think a hit man would
charge to rub out a couple of cats?

Well, it couldn't be too expensive.

Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?

What do you think, Jerry,
you wanna make 28 bucks?

I'm no cat killer.

How about we go over there
right now...

and we shave them?

I'd really like to go, Elaine.

But George is coming back
from the hospital, I gotta wait for him.

But otherwise, I would definitely go.

He actually went to the hospital?

- Yeah.
- Man, he's nuts.

Yeah, he's nuts.
You wanna bump off a couple of cats.

I know, I know. It's down again.

How much you down altogether?

I don't know, $1500.

Wow.

You don't have to say "wow."
I know it's "wow."

And there's that smile again.

What is that?

It's George.

Yeah.

Oh, look at this one by the bus stop.
Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.

I really don't need to look.

What a body.

Yeah. That's for me.

Yeah, and you're just what
she's looking for too.

Stranger leering through
a pair of binoculars 10 floors up.

I'm gonna go down
and try and talk to her.

What?

What, did you go down there?

Did he tell you what's gonna happen?

How long were you there?

Fifteen seconds.

You told him you knew Simons.

Yeah, I mentioned Simons.

Next thing I know,
I'm in the parking lot!

Perhaps they had some sort
of a falling out.

I'll tell you one thing.

I don't know what he's got,
but for a sick guy, he's very strong.

Well, that's it.

Look, I'm going to Vermont.
I don't wanna think about this.

I'm selling.

- Didn't work, huh?
- Not quite.

Well, what are you gonna do
about the stock?

I'm keeping it.

I'm going down with the ship.

So I know this guy, I'm getting
all my sneakers at a discount now.

I know. You mentioned it.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Oh, God, get me out of here.
What a mistak e.

What made me think
this would work?

And I've still got another day.

I've got nothing left to say.

Wait, wait. I've got one.

That's a nice watch.

Yeah.

Do you wind it?

No. It's got a little battery.

Well, that's good.

Well, the drive home
should be a delight.

I'm speeding the whole way.
Let them throw me in jail, I don't care.

That's the manager, wanna see
if we can get another room?

No, it's okay.

So I guess you don't find the separate
faucets for the hot and the cold...

charming?

Not especially.

Well, what do you wanna do
this afternoon?

What can we do? It's raining.

We could play Sorry.

We could play
Steal the Old Man's Bundle.

Maybe I can get an extension cord
and hang myself.

What kind of perfume is that
you're wearing?

Oh, you've never heard of it.

No. What kind is it?

I can't tell you.

Yeah, that's real normal.

Excuse me, sir. Could I have a look
at that business section?

- The stock?
- Thank you.

Thought you got out of that.

I did. I'm just curious.

It's been almost a week.
I wanna check it out.

Six points?

It's up six points.

- I told you not to sell.
- You did not tell me not to sell.

I said the market fluctuates.
Remember?

Look, Vanessa...

of course the market fluctuates.
Everybody knows that.

I just got fluctuated out of $4000.

That's probably why we're...

- What?
- Forget it.

No, that's probably why...

That's probably why
we're staying here...

because you lost money
on the stock.

So, what am I looking at here?

Twenty-nine hours to go?

Well, at least I got plenty of time
to find out the name of that perfume.

James, he kills me.

Have something else.
Have a little dessert.

- I'm good, thanks.
- Elaine, get something.

- It's all taken care of.
- I'm kind of full.

So don't finish it.

She's full.

So, big daddy...

l'm just curious.
How much did you clear...

on your little transaction there,
all told?

- I don't like to discuss figures.
- How much?

I don't know, $8000. It's a Hyundai.
Get out of here.

I told you not to sell.

Simons made money,
Wilkenson cleaned up.

So Wilkenson's out of the hospital?

No. You'd be surprised.

You don't recover that quickly
from a nose job.

Is that still from those cats?

No.

I just got a cold.

Whatever happened with that?

I gave him an ultimatum.

He chose the cats?

They're very clean animals.

I gotta say, that's pretty bad,
losing out to a cat.

Almost as bad as losing out
to a perfume.

Told you those trips
are relationship-killers.

Too bad you can't get your buddy
Superman...

to fly around the Earth
at super speed...

and reverse time.

Get all the money back, could've
avoided the whole trip to Vermont.

Superman can go back in time?

We went over that.

Wilkenson's got a bite on a new one.

The Tramco Corporation.

Out of...

Springfield, I think.

They're about to introduce
some sort...

of a robot butcher.

A robot butcher?

If you want to get in...

very little time.

Sweetheart.

No, no. That ought to cover it.

Just a second. Just let me peek.

Good.

Come on, come on...

I'm not an investor.

People always say, "You should
have your money working for you."

I've decided I'll do the work...

l'm gonna let the money relax.

Know what I mean? Because
you send your money out there...

working for you,
a lot of times it gets fired.

You go back, "What happened?
I had my money working for me."

"Yeah, I remember your money.

Showing up late, taking time off.

We had to let him go."