Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 3 - Male Unbonding - full transcript

Most men like working on things.

Tools, objects, fixing things.
This is what men enjoy doing.

Ever noticed if a guy's in his driveway
working on something with tools...

...how all the other men
in the neighbourhood...

...are magnetically drawn
to this activity?

They just come wandering out
of the house like zombies.

Men... It's true. Men hear a drill,
it's like a dog whistle. Just:

They go running up
to the living-room curtain.

"Honey, I think Jim's working
on something over there."

So they run over to the guy.

They don't actually help the guy.



No. They just want to hang
around the area...

...where work is being done.

That's what men want to do.

We want to watch the guy.
We want to talk to him.

We want to ask him dumb questions.
You know...

"What are you using,
a Phillips head?"

You know, we feel involved.

That's why when they have
construction sites...

...they have to have those wood
panel fences around it.

That's just to keep the men out.

They cut those little holes for us...

...so we can see
what the hell is going on.

But if they don't cut those holes,
we are climbing those fences.

Right over there. "What are you using,
the steel girders down here?"



Yeah, that'll hold.

I had to say something.

Had to say something.

Everything was going so well.
I had to say something.

I don't think you did
anything wrong.

I told her I liked her. Why?

Why did I tell her I like her?

I have this sick compulsion
to tell women how I feel.

I like you. I don't tell you.

We can only thank God for that.

I'm out of the picture.
I am out of the picture.

Matter of time now.

- You're imagining this. Really.
- Oh, no. No, no.

I'll tell you when it happened too.

It's when that floss came
flying out of my pocket.

What floss? When?

In the lobby, during
the intermission of the play.

I was buying her one of those
containers of orange drink.

For $5.

I reach into my pocket
to pay for it. I look down.

There's this piece of green floss
hanging from my fingers.

- Mint.
- Of course.

So I'm looking at it.
I look up and see she's looking at it.

Our eyes lock.

It was a horrible moment. I just...

So let me get this straight.
She saw the floss.

You panicked, and you told her
you liked her.

If I didn't put floss in my pocket...

...l'd be crawling around her bedroom
right now, looking for my glasses.

- You sure the floss was the catalyst?
- Yes, I am.

You don't think it might have
had anything to do with that?

What, you don't like this?

Looks like your belt is digesting
a small animal.

They got a cure for cancer.
See, it's all big business.

Oh, hey! Jerry just walked in.

Hi, George!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take my number.

It's 555-8643.

Okay. Here he is.

- Who is it?
- Take it.

- Who is it?
- It's for you.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Joel.

No. I was out of town.
I just got back.

Kramer doesn't know anything.
He's just my next-door neighbour.

Nothing much. Tuesday?

Tuesday, no.
I'm meeting somebody.

Wednesday?

Wednesday's okay. All right.

I'm a little busy right now.
Can we talk Wednesday morning?

Okay. Yeah.

Right. Thanks. Bye.

Why do you put me
on the phone with him?

I hate just being handed a phone.

Well, it's your phone.
He wanted to talk to you.

Maybe I didn't want to talk to him.

- Well, why not?
- He bothers me.

I don't answer the phone anymore
because of him.

He's turned me into a screener.

Now I gotta see him on Wednesday.

What? I thought we had tickets
to the Knick game Wednesday.

We got seats behind the bench.

- What happened? We're not going?
- We're going.

That's next Wednesday.

- Who is this guy?
- His name's Joel Horneck.

He lived, like, three houses down
from me when I grew up.

He had a Ping-Pong table.
We were friends.

Should I suffer the rest of my life
because I like to play Ping-Pong?

I was 10!

I would've been friends with Stalin
if he had a Ping-Pong table.

He's so self-involved.

That's for me.

Kramerica Industries.

Hi, Mark.

No, no. Forget that.
I got a better idea.

A pizza place where you make
your own pie.

Can you conduct your business...

...elsewhere?
- No, I'm talking about a whole chain.

Yeah.

I don't know why you bother
with this Ping-Pong guy, I tell you.

I don't bother with him.

He's been calling me for seven years.
I never called him once.

He's got the attention span
of a 5-year-old.

Sometimes I sit there...

...and I make up things just to see
if he's paying attention.

I don't understand why
you spend time with this guy.

What can I do, break up with him?

Tell him, "I don't think we're right
for each other."

It's a guy.

At least with a woman
there's a precedent.

The relationship goes sour,
you end it.

No, no, no. You have to approach
this as if he was a woman.

- Just break up with him?
- Absolutely.

- You just tell him the truth.
- The truth?

No. As a guy, I don't know how
I can break up with another guy.

You know?
I don't know how to say:

"Bill, I feel I need to see other men."

Know what I mean?
There is nothing I can do.

I have to wait for someone to die.

I think that's the only way
out of this relationship.

It could be a long time.

See the great thing about guys
is that we can become friends...

...based on almost nothing.

Just two guys will just become friends
just because they're two guys.

That's almost all we need
to have in common.

Because sports and women
is really all we talk about.

If there was no sports and no women,
the only thing guys would say is:

"So, what's in the refrigerator?"

So my shrink wants me to bring
my mother in for a session.

I mean, this guy is a brilliant man.

Lenny Bruce used to go to him...

...and I think, Geraldo.

I read the Lenny Bruce biography.
I thought it was...

Hey, hey, hey! We're starving here!

...interesting...
- We've been waiting here 10 minutes.

...that he would...

So I'm thinking about going
to Iran this summer.

You know, I have to eat.

I mean, I'm hypoglycaemic.

Anyway, the Hezbollah
has invited me to perform.

- It's their annual terrorist luncheon.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna do it in Farsi.

Do you think I need a haircut?

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'll have the egg salad
on whole wheat.

Hey, let me ask you a question.
This turkey sandwich here...

...is that real turkey
or is it a turkey roll?

I don't want that processed turkey.

I hate it.

I think it's real turkey.

- Is there a real bird in the back?
- No, there's no bird, but...

How do you know for sure?
Why don't you do me a favour.

Why don't you go in the back
and find out, okay?

Unbelievable.

How can you talk
to someone like that?

Look, what are you saying?
What, you like turkey roll?

Listen, Joel. There's something
I have to tell you.

Wait.

You'll never guess who I ran into.

- Howard Metro.
- Howard Metro.

He asked me if I still saw you.
I said, "Sure, I see him all the time.

We're still great friends."
Anyway, Howard says hello.

Listen, Joel.

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

What?

This friendship, it's not working.

Not working?
What are you talking about?

We're just not suited to be friends.

- But how can you say that?
- Look, you're a nice guy.

It's just that we don't have
anything in common.

Wait. What did I do?

Tell me what...
I want to know what I did.

You didn't do anything.
It's not you. It's me.

It's... This is very difficult.

Look, I know I call you too much.
Right? I mean, I know.

- You're a very busy guy.
- No, it's not that.

You're one of the few people
I can talk to.

Look, come on.
Now, that's not true.

I always tell everybody about you.

I tell everybody to go see his show!

I mean, I'm your biggest fan.

- I know, I know.
- I mean, you're my best friend.

Best friend? I've never been
to your apartment.

I cannot believe that this
is happening! I can't believe it.

Okay, okay, forget it.
It's okay. I didn't mean it.

- Didn't mean what?
- What I said.

- I've been under a lot of stress.
- Oh, you've been under a lot of stress.

Look, just... Can we just forget
the whole thing ever happened?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
I took it out on you.

We're still friends.
We're still friends. Still friends.

Okay, look. I tell you what.
I got Knick tickets. This Wednesday.

Great seats behind the bench.
You want to come with me?

Come on.

Tonight?

No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight,
I would've said tonight.

You really want me to go?

Yes.

- Okay.
- Here, take these.

Okay. Great. That would be...

That'd be great. So...

...next Wednesday.
- Next Wednesday.

Say, where is that waitress? Hey!

She calls me up at the office.
She says, "We have to talk."

The four worst words
in the English language.

That or, "Whose bra is this?"

That is worse.

So we order lunch,
and we're talking.

Finally, she blurts out
how it's not working.

Really.

So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this,
I'm thinking, "Great.

The relationship's over,
but the egg salad's on the way."

So now I have a decision.
Do I walk or do I eat?

You ate.

Sat there for 20 minutes, chewing.

Staring at each other
in a defunct relationship.

Someone says,
"Get out of my life."

And that doesn't affect
your appetite?

Have you ever had
their egg salad?

- It is unbelievable.
- It's unbelievable.

Tell you what else is unbelievable.
I picked up the check.

She didn't even offer.
She ended it.

The least she could do is
send me off with a sandwich.

How much could you
possibly have in there?

Look, it's my money.

All right? What should I do,
throw it out the window?

I know a guy who took
his vacation on his change.

Yeah? Where'd he go?
To an arcade?

That's funny. You're a funny guy.

Come on, move up.

Great. Ewing's hurt.

How long is he gonna be out?

Well, a couple days
at the most, but...

- Oh, God.
- I got scared there for a second.

The Knicks without Ewing.

Listen, George.
A little problem with the game.

- What about it?
- The thing is, yesterday...

...I kind of...

- What?
- I gave your ticket to Horneck.

- You what?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry.
I had to give it to Horneck.

No.

My ticket?

- You gave my ticket to Horneck?
- Come on. Go ahead. Move up.

What did you give him
my ticket for?

You didn't see him.
It was horrible.

Oh, come on, Jerry.
I can't believe this!

- I had to do it.
- Oh, please.

Can you change this into bills?

I'm sorry, sir, we can't do that.

Do you want to go with him?

- You go, I don't mind.
- I'm not going with him!

I don't even know the guy!

Look, they did this for me before.

Look, I can give you these,
and you can roll them yourself.

You want me to roll 6000 of these?

What, should I quit my job?

No, I do not like the bank.
I've heard the expression:

"Laughing all the way to the bank."
I've never seen anyone actually do it.

And those bank lines.

I hate it when there's
nobody on the line at all.

You now that part?
You go to the bank, it's empty...

...and you still have to go
through the little maze.

"Could you get some cheese for me?
I'm almost at the front.

I'd like a reward for this, please."

- Thirty-two, 33...
- George.

Not now, 33...

- Thirty...
- Could you stop the counting?

- What?
- Can I make it up to you?

I'll give you $50 for the jug.

Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.

Well, then I'm not gonna go
to the game either.

Okay, I'll give him both tickets.

Go. Go!

l... No, I don't want to go.

- He was really crying?
- I had to give him a tissue.

In fact, let me call his machine now,
and I'll make up some excuse...

...why I can't go to the game either.

Wait. Wait a minute. As long
as you're gonna lie to the guy...

...why don't you tell him that you lost
both of the tickets. Then we can go.

George, the man wept.

Hey, guys.

Man, I'm telling you, this pizza idea
is really gonna happen.

This is the thing where you go and
you have to make your own pizza?

We give you the dough.

You smash it. You pound it.
You fling it up in the air.

And then you get to put your sauce
and sprinkle your cheese.

And then,
you slide it into the oven.

You have to know how to do that.

You can't have people shoving
their arms into a 600-degree oven!

- It's all supervised.
- Oh, well...

All of it!

- You want to invest?
- My money's tied up in change.

You know, look. I'm telling you.

People, they really want to make
their own pizza pie.

I have to say something,
with all due respect.

I just never...
I can't imagine anyone...

...in any walk of life,
under any circumstance...

...wanting to make
their own pizza pie.

- But that's me.
- Well, okay.

- That's you.
- I'm just saying.

I just wanted to check with you guys.
This business is going to be big.

I just want to... Okay.

One day, you'll beg me
to make your own pie.

Hi, Joel. This is Jerry.
I hope you get this before you...

Oh, hi, Joel. Oh, you just came in.

Listen, I can't make it
to the game tonight.

I have to tutor my nephew.

Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow.

Geometry.

You know, trapezoid, rhombus.

Anyway, listen, you take the tickets.
They're at the will-call window.

And I'm really sorry. Have a good time.
We'll talk next week, okay? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't... Fine.

Fine, bye.

"Trapezoid"?

I know. I'm really running out
of excuses with this guy.

I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.

Come on. Let's go do something.
I don't want to just sit around here.

- Wanna get something to eat?
- Where?

I don't care. I'm not hungry.

We could go to one of those
cappuccino places.

They let you just sit there.

What are we gonna do there, talk?

We can talk.

I'll go if I don't have to talk.

Then we'll just sit there.

Okay, I'm gonna check
my machine first.

"Picking someone up
at airport, jury duty...

...waiting for cable company."
- Okay, just hand that over, please.

- What is this?
- It's a list of excuses.

It's for that guy Horneck, who's
at the game tonight with my tickets.

I have that list now, so in case
he calls, I just consult it...

...and I don't have to see him.

- God.
- I need it.

- What are you doing?
- I got some for you.

- Oh, I don't need any more.
- No, no, no.

These are good. Listen, listen.

"You ran out of underwear,
you can't leave the house."

Very funny.

How about you've been diagnosed...

...as a multiple personality?
You're not even you.

You're Dan.

I'm Dan.

- Can I have my list back, please?
- Here. Here.

Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot
believe you are doing this.

This is absolutely infantile.

- What can I do?
- Deal with it. Be a man.

Oh, no.

That's impossible. I'd rather
lie to him the rest of my life...

...than go through that again.

He was crying.

Tears, accompanied by mucus.

You made a man cry?

I never made a man cry.

I even kicked a guy in the groin once,
and he didn't cry.

I got the cab.

A couple of tough monkeys.

Hi, Elaine.

Hey, you missed
a great game tonight.

- Game?
- Knick game.

Horneck took me. We're sitting
two rows behind the bench.

We were getting hit by sweat!

Wait. How does Horneck know you?

Last week, when I, you know,
gave you the phone.

He's really into my pizza place idea.

- This is too much.
- Wait. What pizza place idea?

Oh, no.

You get to make your own pie.

That sounds like a great idea.
It would be fun.

- Kramer!
- Yeah!

Perfect.

Hey!

Okay, who wants meat loaf?

- No, thanks.
- No, no.

It's gonna be hot in a minute.

So I thought you were
tutoring your nephew.

- We finished early.
- I'll bet.

So are you going to introduce me
to your nephew?

Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck.

Whoa, Nelson.

This is Elaine.

- I thought you guys split up.
- We're still friends.

So...

Thanks again for those tickets,
But next week, I'm gonna take you.

How about next Tuesday night?
Why don't you come along.

Oh, no, no. Tuesday's no good
because we've got choir practice.

Right.

- Forgot about choir.
- Yeah.

We're... We're doing that evening...

...of Eastern European
national anthems.

Right. You know...

...the wall being down and everything.

Well, what about Thursday night?
I mean, they're playing the Sonics.

Thursday is not good because
we've gotta get to the hospital...

...to see if we qualify
as those organ donors.

I should really try
something like that.

You really should.

Well, let's just take a look here.

Forty-one home games.

Let's see, Saturday night
we got the Mavericks.

If you don't like the Mavericks,
next Tuesday, Lakers.

I mean, you gotta like Magic, right?

Now, let's see. On the road,
on the road, on the road...

Back, back on the 14th.

They play the Bulls.
You can't miss Air Jordan...

I've come to the conclusion that there
are certain friends in your life...

...that they're just always your friends,
and you have to accept it.

You see them. You don't want
to see them. You don't call them.

They call you.

You don't call back,
they call again.

The way to get through talking
with people...

...you have nothing in common with...

...is to pretend you're hosting
your own little talk show.

This is what I do. Pretend there's
a little desk around you.

There's a little chair over there,
and you interview them.

The only problem is,
there's no way to say:

"Hey, it's been great having
you on the show.

We're out of time."