Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Robbery - full transcript

After Jerry's apartment is robbed, Jerry starts to look for other apartments. But Jerry and George both want the same apartment, and Elaine wants the apartment of whomever loses out.

So I move into the centre lane...

I get ahead of this woman who felt,
for some reason, I'd cut her off.

So she pulls up alongside of me,
gives me the finger.

It seems like such an arbitrary,
ridiculous thing...

to just pick a finger
and you show it to the person.

It's a finger. What does it mean?

Someone shows me
one of their fingers...

and I'm supposed to feel bad.

Is that the way it's supposed to work?
I mean...

you could just give someone
the toe, really, couldn't you?

I would feel worse if I got the toe
than if I got the finger.

It's not easy to give the toe.

You gotta get the shoe off, the sock off
and drive, get it up in the...

"Look at that toe, buddy."

I mean, that's really insulting,
to get the toe, isn't it?

That it? I've got the Q-Tips,
got the mini-umbrella.

Something boring to read
on the plane.

That's it.


That is the single greatest packing
performance I have ever seen.

I am the master packer.

Yeah, right. You're the master packer.

What you must understand, Elaine...

packing is like leading men
into battle.

You've got to know the strengths
and weaknesses of every soldier.

From a collapsible toothbrush
to a pair of ordinary black socks.

Excuse me, master packer?


- Just give me your keys.
- All right, sir.

- George?
- Yeah.

Okay, so, now, is there anything else
I need to know about this place?

Yeah. The hot water takes a while
to come on. So the best thing to do...

is to turn it on,
do all your shopping...

then come back and take a shower.

Okay. This is quite a place.

There's more. The refrigerator.

Deduct a minimum of two days
off all expiration dates.

No meat, no leftovers, no butter.

And I cannot overstate this:

No soft cheeses of any kind.

- Is that clear?
- I'll eat out.

And one more thing, Benes...

regarding sexual activity.

Strictly prohibited, but if you
absolutely must, do us all a big favour...

do it in the tub.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah. One second.

- Hey, Elaine.
- Hi.

- You coming to the airport?
- I'm staying for the weekend.

- I getting a break from my roommate.
- Oh, the actress/waitress.

No. The waitress/actress.
She just got some part...

in some dinner theatre production
of A Chorus Line.

So now all day long she's walking
around the apartment singing:

She's gonna get it, right in the...

Why don't you just kick her out.

She's on the lease. George, you have
got to find another place for me.

Yeah, well, a little rough finding
something good in your price range.

Hey, but you, my friend,
may be in luck.

- I'm not looking.
- No, this one's different. It's a beauty.

- What's it like?
- I haven't seen it yet...

but it's a two-bedroom,
it's on West 83rd...

about a half-block from the park.
- How much?

Twice what you're paying here,
but it's a great building.

It's two bedrooms.

Two bedrooms?
Why do I need two bedrooms?

I've got enough trouble
maintaining activity in one.

I saw that.

- You ought to at least take a look at it.
- Really? Why?

Because then I could move in here.

- I know what you're saying now.
- It's time you got out of here, anyway.

Yeah, tell him, but quickly.
I'm double-parked here.

Listen, Jerry,
this place is falling apart.

You have no hot water.

You can't have soft cheese.

Let's not forget the radiator.

The steam's been on for 10 years.
No human can turn this off.

Jerry, come on.
You're doing okay now.

You should at least
take a look at this place.

- You shouldn't have to live like this.
- You just said you wanted to live here.

Well, for me it's a step up.

It's like moving
from Iceland to Finland.

Jerry, you wanna see
the place or not?

I can't think about it now.
I'm going to Minneapolis.

I got four shows this weekend.




Jer... Oh, hi.

Welcome back.
How were the shows?

Great. I had fun. Where's the TV?
Where's the VCR?

- What?!
- They were stolen.

Stolen? When?

A couple of hours ago.
The police are coming right over.


Someone left the door open.

Oh, yeah...

You left the door open?

Oh, well, you know, I was cooking...

and I came in to get the spatula.

I left the door open because I was
gonna bring the spatula right back.

Wait, you left the lock open
or the door open?

The door.

- The door? You left the door open?
- I was bringing the spatula right back.

Yeah, and...?

Well, I got caught up watching
a soap opera.

Bold and the Beautiful.

- So the door was wide open.
- Wide open.

Excuse me.

And where were you?

I was at Bloomingdale's,
waiting for the shower to heat up.

Look, Jerry, I'm sorry.

- You have insurance, right, buddy?
- No.

How can you not have insurance?

Because I spent my money
on the Clapco D-29.

It's the most impenetrable lock
on the market today.

It has only one design flaw:

The door...

must be closed!

Jerry, I'm gonna find your stuff.
I'm gonna solve it.

I'm on the case, buddy.
I'm on the case.

Don't investigate. Don't pay me back.
It was an accident.

- I made a mistake.
- These things happen.

- I'm human.
- In your way.

Let's see, that's one TV, a stereo,
one leather jacket, a VCR, a computer.

- Is that about it?
- The answering machine.

Answering machine.

Boy, I hate the idea of somebody
out there returning my calls.

What do you mean?

It's a joke.

I see.

Well, Mr. Seinfeld, we'll look into it.
We'll let you know if we find anything.

- Do you ever find anything?
- No.

- Well, thanks anyway.
- You bet.

I didn't get that joke either.

The crook has the machine.
The messages aren't for him...

he's the crook.

Why would he answer...?

How did you get in here?

I walked in.
Your lobby door is broken again.


I don't know how
you put up with this.

- Yeah. Tell him, George.
- Thanks.

You would still wanna move in here?

Yes. You don't understand.

I'm living with Ethel Merman
without the talent.

Is that other apartment still available?

I got ripped off for about the...

eighteenth time.

The first couple of times
you go through it, it's very upsetting.

Your first reaction,
or one of your friends, will say:

"Call the police.
You really should call the police."

So you think to yourself,
you know, you watch TV, you think:

"Yeah, I'm calling the police.
Stakeouts, manhunts.

I'm gonna see some real action."

Right? You think that.

So the police come over
to your house.

They fill out the report.

They give you your copy.

Now, unless they give
the crook his copy...

I don't really think we're gonna
crack this case. Do you?

It's not like Batman,
where there's three crooks in the city...

and everybody pretty much knows
who they are.

Very few crooks go to the trouble...

to come up with a theme
for their careers anymore.

It makes them a lot tougher to spot.

"Did you lose a Sony?
It could be The Penguin.

I think we can round him up.

He's dressed like a penguin.

We can find him. He's a penguin."

Well, come on.

This is an apartment.
This is a home.

This is a place to live.

A fireplace!

Are you kidding me?
Does this work?

I didn't know there was a fireplace.
A fireplace! That's incredible.

- How do you get all that wood in here?
- They deliver.

- They deliver wood?
- Yeah.

What do you tip a wood guy?

- I didn't know there was a fireplace.
- Look. Look, look at this.

- There's a garden.
- A garden?

I can't believe there's a garden.

- Would I have to get a gardener?
- Yeah, you can get a gardener.

- You tip him?
- You can.

You don't tip a gardener.

- You can tip a gardener.
- You don't need a gardener.

Jerry, you can barbecue back here.

They deliver the coal?

Sure. It's probably the same guy
who delivers the wood.

Oh, then I gotta tip him.

Oh, man, this place is incredible.

Look at all this great light.

- I don't have any plants.
- I have plants.

Jerry, look at this closet.

Look at this. I'm walking in it.
It's a walk-in.

Can you believe it? I'm nuts
about this. What do you think?

I like that.

- What do you think, George?
- It's your decision.

I'm taking it. I'm taking the place.
I'm gonna take it.

This is gonna be my new place.
I'm living here.

- I'm moving.
- You're moving?

That means I'm moving.

Gee, is that incredible?


- What about the couch?
- You like the couch?

- Tell you what I'm gonna do.
- What?

You're moving in, you're a good friend.
I wanna start you off on the right foot.

Give me...

a hundred and fifty dollars.

- In fact, get it out of here right now.
- Excuse me.

A hundred and fifty dollars? For what?
For this couch?

- Yeah.
- For this couch?

Okay, you tell me.
What is it worth?


I tell you what.

I could go as high as...

I don't know. Maybe...

twenty dollars?

- Yeah?
- Yeah, it's George.

Come on up.

Forget it, I'm gonna take it with me.
I'll just pack up the cushions...

Okay. Okay, you win. $40.

You wanna help me
get it in the hall?

- Fifty dollars, okay? Is that all right?
- Fifty dollars?

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you very much.

Hey. What's going on?

I just bought Jerry's couch for $50.

So did you bring the lease?


Gee, three years.
That kind of seems like a long time.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Listen, if you are feeling
uncomfortable about this at all, at all...

do not feel like you have to take it.

- Why?
- If you're having second thoughts...

if you didn't want it...

don't worry about it,
because, you know, I...

I could take it.

You could take it? You want it?

No, I don't want it.
I want it if you don't want it.

So you do want it.

I want it if you don't want it.

- You just said you wanted it.
- No, I'm saying if a situation arose...

in which you didn't want it,
I might take it.

- So take it.
- How can I take it?

- How can I take it?
- It's your apartment.

How can I want it now,
if you want it?

Excuse me.
I don't mean to cause any trouble...

but, George, if you take it,
can I take your place?

Yes, but I am not taking it.

I am not taking it.

Well, one of you better
damn well take it.

- Well, what do you wanna do here?
- I don't know.

You wanna flip a coin?

Who flips?

- You flip, I'll call.
- Okay, fine.

- All right. All right.
- This is the official flip.

No crying, no guilt.
Winner takes all and that's it. Agreed?

- I'm good.
- I don't know who to root for.

George's place has carpeting.

- All right. Now, you call it in the air.
- No catching.

- No, no.
- All right, flip it.


- Tails.
- No, it hit the table.

- So what?
- Interference. You can't count that.

Come on, are you crazy?
The coin cannot touch anything.

- It affects it.
- You didn't call "no interference."

You don't have to call it.
That's a rule!

- I don't believe this.
- All right. Fine, Jerry.

- You win. Take it, just take it.
- I don't wanna win it like this.

Elaine, what do you think?

I better not.

I'll tell you what,
I'll choose you for it.

Straight choose, three takes it.
No disputes.

That's it. You gotta win three.



I'll choose you.

- What do you want?
- Odds.

- I want evens.
- Good.

- You got odds.
- You got evens.


- Ready.
- For the apartment.

- Once, twice, three, shoot!
- Mine!

- Once, twice, three, shoot.
- Mine!

- Once, twice, three, shoot!
- Mine!

Once, twice, three, shoot!


- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

I'm just gonna wash...

Why did I put out two?
Why did I put out two?!

Jerry? I think I'm on to something.

I think I found your stuff.

You know the Englishman
who lives down the hall?

The last couple days,
he's been acting very strange.

- I think he's avoiding me.
- Hard to imagine.

Yeah, and get this. I just got off the
elevator with him and I tested him.

I tested him, like, this is what I said,
like this. I went:

"Oh, by the way,
I know about the stuff."

You know, very casual so he'll take me
into his confidence.

- So, what did he say?
- "What stuff?"

- Case closed.
- No, no. You don't understand.

See, he swallowed.
See, the guy, he swallowed.

Oh, he was nervous about something.

Now, I'm gonna go over there.
I'm gonna borrow some tea.

If I don't get back in five minutes,
you better call the police.

Okay. Starting now!


One problem in life is...

as a kid, you have a certain way
of working out disagreements.

And those laws do not work
in the adult world.

One of the main ways that kids resolve
any dispute is by calling it.

One of them says, "I got the front
seat." "I wanted it." "I called it."

And the other kid knows
he's got nothing to say.

"He called it. What can I do?"

If there was a kid court of law,
it holds up.

"Your Honour, my client did ask
for the front seat."

And the judge would go,
"Did he call it?"

"Well, no, he didn't call it." Bang.
"He has to call it. Case closed.

Objection overruled."

I love the mirror in that bathroom.

I don't know what in the hell it is,
I look terrific in that mirror.

I don't know if it's the tile
or the lighting.

I feel like Robert Wagner in there.

It's a good mirror.

- What are you getting?
- I don't know.

What can you eat?
You can't have anything anymore.

Look at this, look at this.
Eggs, out. Coffee, out.

French fries, out. BLT, out.

I visit my grandparents,
they're eating big brisket sandwiches.

I'm sitting there with a carrot.

They're closing in on 100, I'm saying
to them, "How can you eat that stuff?"

I'm so sick about losing that choose.
You don't know. I...

All right. Forget it. Forget it.
I'm not taking the place.

- What?
- How can I live there?

- Why not?
- You're still thinking about it.

- I'll never feel comfortable.
- Oh, get out of here.

How can I ever have you over?
You'll sit there moping.

- I won't mope.
- You're already moping.

- Would you take the place?
- No. Impossible. It's your apartment.

- You found the place.
- You won the choose.

All right. Forget it. I'm not moving.

Well, me neither.

- Definitely?
- Definitely.

All right, then, just get rid of it.
You won't have any problem.

No, it's not a problem. I can get rid
of the apartment this afternoon.

What apartment?

Oh, it's a great place.
It's a two-bedroom...

West 83rd, half-block from the park.

What's the rent?

I hate housewarmings. What are
we doing here? This is ridiculous.

She wanted to thank us
for the apartment.

I can't believe I lost the deposit
on that U-Haul...

and I threw out my couch.

- If only the coin hadn't hit the table.
- The table is interference, you know it.

- It is not.
- It is too.

My roommate starts rehearsal tonight
on Carousel.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Carol.

I just wanted to introduce you
to my husband. This is Larry.

This is George, Elaine and Jerry.

These are the guys
who got us the apartment.

You don't know how grateful I am.

If there's anything I can do
to repay you...

- We're just so thrilled with this place.
- It's a dream.

I'm running in the park,
I've lost weight...

we're barbecuing every night.
And the rent is unbelievable.

We're really glad for you.

Couldn't be happier.

It's wonderful.

Oh, Diane. Diane, come here.

This is my new next-door
neighbour, Diane.

These are the guys who turned
this place down. Can you believe it?

Diane gave me the greatest back rub
today. She's a masseuse.

How could you guys
have turned this place down?

It's such a great location
and it's so close to the park.

We're aware of the proximity
to the park.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you.

How late are the stores open? I'm
thinking of maybe buying a new TV...

and smashing it over my head.

So I get a call
from Gilmore this morning.

They're restructuring the organization
in Atlanta. I gotta be there on the 1 st.

What about your apartment?

What can I do? I'll give it up.

What's the rent?