Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Stakeout - full transcript

So I'm on line at the supermarket.

Two women in front of me.

One of them, her total was $8.
The other, $3.

They both, of course, choose
to pay by the use of the check.

Fact is, if it is a woman in front of you
that's writing out the check...

you'll not be waiting long.

I have noticed that women
are very fast with checks.

You know, because they write
out so many checks.

The keys, they can never find.
They don't know where that is.

But the checkbook, they got that.

They never fumble
for the checkbook.



The checkbook
comes out of a holster.

"Who do I make it out to?

There's my ID."

There's something about a check,
that, to a man, is not masculine.

I don't know exactly what it is.
I think, to a man...

a check is like a note
from your mother.

"I don't have any money,
but if you'll contact these people...

l'm sure they'll stick up for me. If you
could just trust me this one time.

I don't have any money,
but I have these.

I wrote on these.

Is this of any value at all?"

What's that one?

Cocoon II, The Return.

I guess they didn't like it up there.



Maybe they came back
for Chinese food.

You know, Maureen Stapleton
gets a craving...

she's probably screaming
at those aliens:

"I gotta have a lo mein."

Okay, what are we doing here?
I have seen everything.

Oh, yeah?

I don't believe you've seen this.

- Oh, lovely.
- Yeah.

What do you think their parents think?

"So, what's your son doing now,
Dr. Stevens?"

"Oh, he's a public fornicator."

"Yes, he's a fine boy."

You know, this would be a really
funny gift for Pamela's birthday.

Pamela. Do I know her?

Yeah, you met her when
we were going out.

Oh, yeah, right.

You have no idea who I'm
talking about, do you?

No.

Blond hair, remember? Glasses.

Have you totally blocked out
the entire time we were a couple?

- Riverside Drive.
- Right.

In fact... No. Never mind.

Well, what is it?

A bunch of people are getting
together tomorrow at some bar...

for her birthday, but...

You don't want to go to that.
No. Okay.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

We could work out a little deal here.

- What little deal?
- I will go to that...

you go with me to the little
family wedding I have on Saturday.

A wedding?

- Have you lost it, man?
- My parents are coming in for this.

- They're coming in?
- Yeah, tomorrow.

Hey, did your father
ever get that hair weave?

No, no.

Still doing the big sweep across.

Why does he do that?

Doesn't think anyone can tell.

So, come on, do we have a deal?

A wedding?

There's a lot of people to mock.

- All right. What the hell.
- Great.

When you're dead, you're dead.
That's it. You're not going anywhere.

- Come on, let's go.
- Was I supposed to bring something?

- You could have.
- I met her one time.

- It is not necessary.
- Then what did you say that for?

- Hi.
- Hi, Pamela.

- You remember Jerry?
- Yes, we met.

- Happy birthday.
- Thanks.

Everybody, this is Jerry and Elaine.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I didn't bring anything.

- I put you two right here.
- Oh, okay.

I'm sorry. I didn't know what...
You know.

Nobody's told me anything
about this...

How big a tip you think it
would take to get him to stop?

I'm in for 5.

I'll supply the hat.

What do we have here?

Why don't you relax,
and take your jacket off.

I can't. I have a tendency
to get chilly.

How masculine.

Plus I'm wearing short sleeves.
I don't want to expose my tattoos.

She's unbelievable.

- Hey, this guy says he know Bricker.
- Oh, you know Bricker? From where?

What's going on here?

Got to be her boyfriend.
She's too good to be alone.

What's the difference?
I can't manoeuvre anyway...

with Elaine next to me.

- How do you know Pamela?
- Friend of a friend.

- And you?
- We went to law school together.

Oh, Jerry.

Oh, no. Not now.

I had this dream last night,
and you were in it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, God, I gotta get out of this.

You were you, but you weren't you.

- No kidding?
- Yeah.

Why is this happening?
Please mak e her stop.

I think... I think we were in my
house where I grew up...

and you were standing there.
You were looking out the window.

This is brutal.

And then you turned around,
and you had these wooden teeth.

How do you like that?

Can I turn now? Is this over?

No, I can't. I can't. I'm stuck.

Jerry, are you listening to me?

Yes. I heard you.

Elaine, what's the name of that
jewellery store you took me to that time?

Thank you, Pamela.

So, you're a lawyer?

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins,
Oppenheim and Taff.

Sagman, Bennett,
Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

Of course, they handled
my tattoo-removal lawsuit.

- Oh, that was you.
- Imagine.

Spelling "mom" with two O's.

That's very funny.

- What do you do?
- Comedian.

Really? That explains it.

Sagman, Bennett,
Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

You ready?

We gotta run. Happy birthday.

- Bye, everyone.
- Thanks for coming.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I can't believe it. I got nothing.

I don't even know her name.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins,
Oppenheim and Taff.

That wasn't so bad, really.

You know...

you could use a little work
on your manners.

Why? What did I do?

Well, I just don't appreciate
these little courtesy responses...

like I'm selling you aluminium siding.
- I was listening.

No. You couldn't wait to get back
to your little conversation.

No. You were talking
about the dream you had...

where you had wooden teeth.
- No!

No! You had wooden teeth!

You had wooden teeth.
I didn't have them, you did.

All right, so I had wooden teeth.
So what?

So... So nothing. Nothing.

Apparently Plato...

who came up with the concept
of the platonic relationship...

was pretty excited about it.

He named it after himself. He said,
"Yeah, I got this new thing.

Platonic.

My idea, my name.
Calling it after myself.

What I do is...

I go out with the girls...

I talk with them...

don't do anything...

and go right home.

What do you think?

I think it's going to be big."

I bet you other guys
in history tried...

getting relationships named
after them, but it didn't work.

I bet you there were guys
that tried to do it. Just went:

"Hi, my name's Rico.

Would you like to go
to bed immediately?

Hey, it's a 'riconic' relationship."

- Hey.
- There he is.

This is what I like. See?

You come home, your parents
are in your bed.

You know, Jerry,
we don't have to do this.

What are you talking about?
I love having you here.

- Tomorrow, we'll go to a hotel.
- Ma, will you stop?

No. Why should we take over
your apartment?

I don't care. I'm sleeping next door.

Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?

No. He's making a bouillabaisse.

So, Dad, let me ask you a question.

How many people work
at these big law offices?

- Depends on the firm.
- Yeah, but if you called...

and described someone,
you think they would know who it was?

What's the matter, you need a lawyer?

I met someone. I know where she
works, but I don't know her name.

Why don't you ask
someone who was at the party?

No. The only one I could ask
is Elaine. I can't ask her.

- Why not?
- Because it's complicated.

There's some tension there.

He used to go with her.

- Which one is she?
- From Maryland.

She brought the chocolate-covered
cherries you didn't like.

Oh, yeah. Very alert. Warm person.

Oh, yeah, she's great.

So how come nothing
materialized there?

Well, it's a tough thing
to talk about.

- I don't know.
- I know what it was.

You don't know what it was.

So what was it?

Well, we fight a lot for some reason.

- Oh, well.
- Oh, well.

And there was a little problem
with the physical chemistry.

Well, I think she's
a very attractive girl.

She is. She absolutely is.

I can see if there was
a weight problem...

No, it's not that.

It wasn't all one-sided.

You know you can't be so particular.
Nobody's perfect.

- I know, I know.
- You know, Jerry...

good thing I wasn't so particular.

Idiot.

- Who you looking for, Sophia Loren?
- That's got nothing to do with it.

How about Loni Anderson?

Where do you get Loni Anderson?

Why, what's wrong
with Loni Anderson?

I like Elaine more than
Loni Anderson.

What are you two talking about?

Look, Elaine just wasn't the one.

And this other one's the one?

- I don't know. Maybe.
- So ask Elaine there for the number.

I can't. She'll get upset.

I never talk about
other women with her...

especially this one tonight.
- How could you still see her...

if you're not interested?
- We're friends.

Doesn't sound like you're friends.
If you were friends...

you'd ask her for the number.

- Do you know where this one works?
- Oh, yeah.

So go up to the office.

Up to her office?

Go to the building.

She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?

- I guess.
- So you stand in the lobby...

by the elevator and wait for her
to come down for lunch.

You mean stake out the lobby?

Morty, that's ridiculous.
Just ask Elaine for the number.

He doesn't want to ask Elaine
for the number.

So you got him standing
by the elevator like a dope.

- What happens when he sees her?
- He pretends he bumped into her.

You know what?
This is not that bad an idea.

- What does she look like?
- I don't know. It's hard to say.

What actress does she
remind you of?

Loni Anderson.

Loni Anderson?

What, there's something wrong
with Loni Anderson?

Hey, listen, thanks again
for running over here.

Yeah, sure. I was showing
a condo on 48th Street.

Besides, you think
I want to miss this?

- I'm a little nervous.
- Yeah. Me too.

If I see her, what do I say
I'm doing in the building?

To see me. I work in the building.

What do you do?

I'm an architect.

You're an architect?

I'm not?

I don't see architecture
coming from you.

I suppose you could be an architect.

I never said that I was the architect.

- Just something else.
- She's not even going to ask.

If we see her, which is remote.

What do you want me to say,
I just wandered in?

We're having lunch with a friend.
He works here.

What is his name?

Burt Har...

binson. Burt Harbinson.

- Burt Harbinson.
- Right.

- It sounds made-up.
- No good?

All right.

Art...

Core.

Art Core.

Velay.

- Corevelay?
- Yeah, right.

Well, what does he do?

He's an importer.

Just imports? No exports?

He's an importer-exporter, okay?

Did Elaine ever call you back?

No. I guess she's still mad.

I don't understand. You never talk
to her about other women?

Never.

Wait a second. That's her.

On the right.

I forgot who I am. Who am I?

You're you. We're having lunch
with Art Corevelay.

- Vandalay.
- Corevelay.

Let me be the architect.
I can do it. I can do it.

Hey, hey...

Pamela's birthday party.

- Didn't I see you there? Jerry.
- Sure. Hi.

- This is George. I'm sorry.
- Vanessa.

Nice to meet you.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins,
Oppenheim and Taff.

That's right. What are you doing here?

Meeting a friend for lunch.
Works in the building.

Yeah, Art Vandalay.

Oh, really?

Which company?

- I don't know. He's an importer.
- I don't really know...

- Importer.
- And exporter.

He's an importer-exporter.

I'm...

I'm an architect.

Really? Well, what do you design?

Railroads.

I thought engineers do that.

They can.

I'm sorry you had to leave
so early the other night.

Me too. My cousin
had to go back to Boston.

- Oh, that guy was your cousin.
- Yeah.

- And that woman was your...
- Friend.

I'll just get a paper.

So...

do you date immature men?

Almost exclusively.

I have no letters.

Ma, will you go already?

- What are you doing?
- I just want to see something.

You can't look in there.
We're playing.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Good evening, Mr. Kramer.
- Hey, Morty.

- Salad dressing?
- Look.

- "Quo." Is that a word?
- Maybe.

- Will you challenge it?
- Ma, you can't look up words...

in the dictionary.
Dad, she's cheating.

"Quo"? That's not a word.

- You're such a stickler.
- Well, put something down.

You're taking 20 minutes on this.

So Uncle Mac and Artie, they're all
coming here before the wedding?

They'll be here at 2:00.

Oh, Elaine called. She said she'd
be here at 2:30 and she says:

"Hope your meeting went well
with Art Vandalay."

- She said what?
- Just what I said. Here.

She knows.

Oh, I am such a jackass.

- She knows what?
- She knows the whole stupid thing.

Vanessa and the elevator.

No, no, that won't do.
He may have a Z.

So how did she find out?

Because Vanessa
probably told Pamela...

and Pamela probably told Elaine.

So, what are you, afraid of her?

Yes. Yes, I am.

- What else did she say on the phone?
- Whatever I wrote down.

Yeah, but what was the tone
in her voice? How did she sound?

Who am I, Rich Little?

Well, she can't be too mad.

- She's still coming to the wedding.
- Yeah, but now I'm nervous.

Oh, stop it.

- "Quone"?
- Thirty, 31, 32...

"Quone"?

No, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to challenge that.

No, you don't have to
challenge that. That's a word.

- That's a definite word.
- I am challenging.

"Quone." To "quone" something.

I'm not playing with you anymore.

"Quone's" not a word.

No good. Sorry. There it is.

Get it off.

Why did you make me put that down?

No. We need a medical dictionary.

Like a patient gets difficult,
you quone him.

You want some funny material? You
ought to come down to where I work.

There's a sitcom.

You must have quite
a time down there.

- We got plenty of time.
- Sorry. I am just waiting for someone.

Watch what you say to this guy.
He'll put it in his next act.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Jerry, did I tell you...

that I'm writing a book,
an autobiography?

Yeah, you mentioned it.

It's based on all my experiences.

That's perfect.

- Could you excuse me one second?
- Sure.

- I'm sorry.
- Sure.

How do you do? Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes.

You want to do this now,
or you wanna wait?

Oh, no, let's do it now.

The whole elevator business,
let me just explain.

- Okay.
- Jerry, are you going with us?

- No, I'm gonna take my car.
- That's why I brought the wagon.

Why the hell
did I bring the wagon?

Anyway, you know
why I didn't ask you?

I mean, I felt so uncomfortable,
and you were so annoyed in the cab.

Well, Jerry, I never saw you
flirt with anyone before.

It was quite the spectacle.

Jerry, we'll see you there.
Bye, Elaine.

Oh, bye. Good to see you.

Oh, we didn't meet.

Sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin,
Artie Levine.

- Levine.
- Artie.

Artie! Come on.

Yeah, Levine.

And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp.

Anyway, I admit it was a fairly
ridiculous thing to do...

but I mean, obviously
we have a little problem here.

Yeah, obviously.

If we're gonna be friends, we gotta
be able to talk about other people.

- Couldn't agree more.
- Good.

- Good.
- Good.

Great.

Great? Where do you get great?

It's great to talk about...

other people.
- Guys.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, anybody specific?

No.

- A general guy.
- Oh, really?

- Elaine Marie Benes.
- What?

No, it's not a big deal.

No, that's great. That's terrific.

- No, we just met.
- Doesn't matter.

What's the young man's name?
I would like to meet him.

I don't think so.

Well, what does he do?
Is he an artisan...

a craftsman,
a labourer of some sort?

- Wall Street.
- High finance.

Bulls, bears,
people from Connecticut.

And he happens to be
pretty good-looking.

All right, sir.

And he's hilarious.

- Now that's not fair.
- You know.

So where did you meet this guy?

I staked out his health club.

When you're on a stakeout...

do you find it's better
to stand up against the wall...

or kind of crouch down
behind a big plant?

You know, I think that...

even if you've had
a relationship with someone...

or, let's say, especially if you've had
a relationship with someone...

and you try and become
friends afterwards...

it's very difficult. Isn't this?

It's hard because you
know each other so well.

You know? You know all
each other's tricks.

It's like two magicians trying
to entertain each other.

You know, one goes, "Look, a rabbit."
The other goes, "So?"

"I believe that's your card."

"Look, why don't we just saw each
other in half and call it a night, okay?"