Seinfeld (1989–1998): Season 1, Episode 0 - The Seinfeld Chronicles - Pilot - full transcript

In this episode, the predecessor to Seinfeld (1989), Jerry is expecting a woman that he met in Michigan to come and visit him in New York. Throughout the first part of the show Jerry and George are discussing the situation. Later we meet "Kessler" who comes in to Jerry's apartment to borrow some meat and uncharacteristically knocks on the door before entering.

Do you know what this is all about?
Know why we're here?

To be out. This is out.

Out is one of the single most
enjoyable experiences of life.

Know how people talk about
"We should go out"?

This is what they're talking about.

This whole thing. We're all out now.

No one is home.

Not one person here is home.
We're all out.

There are people trying to find us.
They don't know where we are.

"Did you re...? l can't find him.
Where did he go?

He didn't tell me where he was going.
He must have gone out."

You wanna go out. You get ready,
you pick out the clothes, right?

You take the shower, get all ready...

get the cash, get your friends,
the car, the spot, the reservation.

Then you stand around.
What do you do?

You go, "We gotta be getting back."

Once you're out,
you wanna get back.

You wanna go to sleep, you wanna
get up, wanna go out again tomorrow.

Wherever you are in life...

it's my feeling, you've gotta go.

See, to me, that button's
in the worst possible spot.

The second button literally
makes or breaks the shirt.

Look at it. lt's too high.

It's in no man's land. You look like
you live with your mother.

Are you through?

You do, of course,
try on when you buy.

Yes, it was purple. l liked it.

I don't actually recall
considering the buttons.

Oh, you don't recall.

No, not at this time.

Senator, l'd like to know what
you knew and when you knew it.

Mr. Seinfeld, Mr. Costanza.

Are you sure this is decaf?

Where's the orange indicator?

It's missing.
I have to do it in my head.

Decaf left, regular right.

Decaf left, regular right.

It's very challenging work.

Can you relax? lt's a cup of coffee.

- Claire's a professional waitress.
- Trust me, George.

No one has any interest
in seeing you on caffeine.

How come you're not doing
the second show tomorrow?

Well, there's this woman
who might be coming in.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

What coming in?
What woman's coming in?

I told you about Laura,
the girl l met in Michigan.

- You didn't.
- I thought l told you about her.

Yeah. She teaches political science...

l met her the night l did
the show in Lansing.

- There's no milk in here.
- Wait.

What is she...
What is she like?

Oh, she's really great.
She's got a real warmth about her.

And she's really bright
and really pretty.

And the conversation,
though, l mean, it was....

Talking with her was like
talking with you...

but, you know,
obviously much better.

So, you know, what happened?

Well, nothing happened.
But it was great.

Nothing happened, but it was...
This is great.

- Yeah.
- So, you know...

she called and said
she wants to go out?

God bless. You devil, you.

Yeah. Well, not exactly.

I mean, she said...
She called this morning and said...

she had to come in for a seminar,
maybe we'd get together.

"Had to"?

- "Had to come in"?
- Yeah, but...

- "Had to come in"?
- Yeah, but...

"And maybe we'll get together"?

"Had to" and "maybe"?

- Yeah.
- No, no.

I hate to tell you this.
You're not gonna see her.

What? Are you serious?
Why did she call?

What do l know?
Maybe she wanted to be polite.

To be polite?

- You are insane.
- All right.

I didn't want to tell you.
Wanna know why she called?

You're a backup.

You're a second line,
a "just in case"...

a B plan, a contingency.

Oh, l get it. This is about the button.

Claire. Claire, you're a woman, right?

What gave it away, George?

I'd like to ask you...

Ask you to analyze a hypothetical
phone call, you know...

- from a female point of view.
- Oh, come on.

What are you asking her?
Now, how's she gonna know?

Now, a woman calls me, right?

She says she has to...

- come to New York on business...
- You're beautiful.

And maybe...

she'll see me when she gets in.

Does this woman intend
to spend time with me?

I'd have to say no.

So why did she call?

- Be polite.
- To be polite.

- I rest my case.
- Good, good. Did you have fun?

You have no idea what you're
talking about. Come with me.

I gotta go get my stuff
out of the dryer.

- I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
- Oh, come on. Be a "come-with" guy.

Come on. l'm tired.

Don't worry.
I gave him a little caffeine.

- He'll perk up.
- Right. l knew l felt something.

Jerry, l have to tell you something.

This is the dullest moment
l've ever experienced.

Oh, look at this guy.

Look, he's got everything.
He's got detergents, sprays...

fabric softener.
This is not his first load.

I need a break, Jerry.
I gotta get out of the city.

- I feel so cramped...
- You didn't hear how she sounded.

- What?
- Laura.

I can't believe...
We already discussed this.

Yeah, but how could you
be so sure?

Because it's signals, Jerry.
It's signals. Don't you...?

All right. Did she even ask you what
you were doing tomorrow night...

- if you were busy?
- No.

She calls you today,
she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow?

- What is that? lt's Saturday night.
- Yeah.

What is that? lt's ridiculous.

You don't even know
what hotel she's staying at.

You can't call her.
That's a signal, Jerry.

That's a signal. Signal.

- Maybe you're right.
- Maybe l'm right?

Of course l'm right.

This is insane.

You know, l don't even know
where she's staying.

She's not gonna call me.

- This is unbelievable.
- I know, l know. lt's tough.

Iisten, your stuff
has to be done by now.

Why don't you just see if it's dry.

No, no, no.
Don't interrupt the cycle.

The machine is working. lt knows
what it's doing. Just let it finish.

- You're gonna overdry it.
- You can't overdry.

- Why not?
- Same reason you can't overwet.

You see, once something
is wet, it's wet.

Same thing with death.

Like, once you die,
you're dead. Right?

Let's say you drop dead
and l shoot you.

You're not gonna die again.
You're already dead.

You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".

Any questions?

How could she not tell me
where she was staying?

Look at that. They're done.
Look at that.

Laundry day is the only
exciting day...

in the life of clothes.

It is. No, think about it.
The washing machine...

is the nightclub of clothes.

You know, it's dark,
there's bubbles happening...

they're all kind of
dancing around in there.

A shirt grabs the underwear.
"Come on, babe. Let's go."

You come by, open up the lid
and they all....

Socks are the most
amazing article of clothing.

They hate their lives.
They're with stinky feet...

the boring drawers.

The dryer is their only chance
to escape and they all know it.

They do escape from the dryer.
They plan it in the hamper...

the night before.
"Tomorrow, the dryer, l'm going.

You wait here."

The dryer door swings open, the sock
is waiting up against the side wall.

He hopes you don't see him,
then he goes down the road.

They get buttons sewn on their face,
join a puppet show.

So they're showing me
on television...

the detergents
getting out bloodstains.

Is this a violent image to anybody?

Come on. You got a T-shirt
with bloodstains all over it...

maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem right now.

Maybe you ought to get the harpoon
out of your chest first.

If you know what happened in the Met
game, don't tell me. l taped it. Hello.

Yeah. No, l'm sorry.
You have the wrong number.

Yeah. No...

- Yeah.
- You up?


People do move.

Have you ever seen the big trucks
out on the street?

Yeah, no problem.

- Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
- Oh, what are you doing?

Kessler, it's a tape.
I taped the game.

It's 1:00 in the morning.

I avoided human contact
all night to watch this.

Hey, l'm sorry.
You know, l thought you knew.

You got any meat?


I don't know. Go hunt.

Well, what happened in the game,

What happened?

Well, they stunk!
That's what happened.

You know l almost wound up
going to that game?

You almost went to the game. You
haven't left the building in 10 years.


- You done with this?
- No.

- When you're done, let me know.
- Yeah, yeah.

You can have it tomorrow.

I thought l wasn't allowed
to be in here this weekend.

No, it's okay now.
That girl's not coming.

I misread the whole thing.

You want me to talk to her?

I don't think so.

No, l can be very persuasive.

You know that l was
almost a lawyer?

That close, huh?

You better believe it.


Oh, hi, Laura.

- Oh, give me it. Let me talk.
- No. What's up?

- Well, let me talk to her.
- I'm always up at this hour.

How are you? Great.


What time does the plane get in?

- I'll get my friend George to take me.
- Now slide!

Out. Do you believe that?

It's just my neighbor.

Yeah, l got it. 10:15.

No, don't be silly.
Go ahead and ask.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, great. No, no.
It's no trouble at all.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Great. Bye.

I don't believe it.

That was her.
She wants to stay here.

If my father moved this,
he'd have a cigarette...

in his mouth the whole way.
"Have you got your end?

Your end's got to come down first.
Easy, now. Drop it down.

Drop it down.
Your end's gotta come down."

You know, l can't believe you're
bringing in an extra bed...

for a woman that wants
to sleep with you.

Why don't you bring in
an extra guy too.

Look, it's a very awkward situation.

- I don't wanna be presumptuous.
- All right.

One more time. One more time.

What was the exact phrasing
of the request?

All right. She said she couldn't
find a decent hotel room.

- A decent hotel room.
- Yeah, a decent hotel room.

Would it be terribly inconvenient
if she stayed at my place?

You can't be serious.

This is New York City. There must
be 11 million decent hotel rooms.

What do you need, a flag?

This is the signal, Jerry.

- This is the signal.
- This is the signal.

Thank you, Mr. Signal.
Where were you yesterday?

I think l was affected
by the caffeine.

Good dog. Good dog. All right.

Hey, he really likes you, George.

Well, that's flattering.

He's getting a drink of water.

- Is this for that girl?
- Yeah.

- Why even give her an option?
- This is a person l like.

It's not how to score
on spring break.

Can we go? l'm double-parked.
I'm gonna get a ticket.

Yeah, okay. Wait a second.
I forgot to clean the bathroom.

So what? That's good.

- How could that be good?
- Because filth is good.

What do you think, rock stars
have sponges and ammonia...

lying around the bathroom?

You think they have a woman
coming over, "l gotta tidy up"?

In these matters, you never do
what instincts tell you.

Always, always do the opposite.

- This is how you operate?
- Yeah, l wish.

- Let me just wipe the sink.
- Why even give her an option for?

- It's unbelievable.
- Yeah.

How's the real estate business?

It's not bad. lt's coming along.

Why, did you need something?

You handle any of that commercial...

real estate that...?

Well, l might be getting into that.

- You keep me posted.
- I'm aware of you. All right, let's go.

Let's go. You're on-stage
in 25 minutes.

The dating world is not a fun world.

It's a pressure world.

It's a world of tension,
it's a world of pain.

If a woman comes over to my house,
l gotta get that bathroom ready...

because she needs things.
I don't know what.

I know l don't have it, l know that.

You know what they need?
Women need cotton balls.

This is one... Always been one of
the most amazing things to me.

I have no cotton balls.
We're all human beings.

What is the story?
I've never had one...

l never bought one,
l never needed one.

I've never been in a situation
where l thought to myself:

"l could use a cotton ball right now.

I could certainly
get out of this mess."

Women need them.
And they don't need one or two.

They need thousands of them.
They need bags.

They're like peat moss bags.
Have you ever seen these giant bags?

They're huge...

and two days later, they're out.
They're gone. The bag is empty.

Where are the cotton balls, ladies?
What are you doing with them?

The only time l ever see them
is in the bottom of wastebaskets.

Two or three look like they've been
through some horrible experience.

Tortured, interrogated,
l don't know what happened to them.

I once went out with a girl, she left
a little bag of cotton balls at my house.

I didn't know what to do. l put them
on the floor like little tumbleweeds.

I thought cockroaches
would see it...

figure, "This is a dead town.
Let's move on."

The dating world
is a world of pressure.

Let's face it, a date is a job interview
that lasts all night.

The difference between
a date and job interview is...

not many interviews is there a
chance you'll end up naked at the end.

You know, "Bill, the boss thinks
you're the man for the position...

strip down and meet the people
you'll be working with."

Wouldn't it be great if you could ask
a woman what she's thinking?

What a world it would be if you could
just ask a woman what she's thinking.

You know, instead l'm like a detective.
I gotta pick up clues.

The whole thing's
a murder investigation.

Listen, don't get worked up.
You're gonna know the whole story...

- the minute she steps off.
- Really, how?

It's all in the greeting. All right.

If she puts the bags down before
she greets you, that's a good sign.

- Anything in the lip area is good.
- Lip area.

- A hug, definitely good.
- Hug is definitely good.

What if it's one of those hugs
where the shoulders touch...

- the hips are eight feet apart?
- Brutal.

- You know how they do that?
- Also, a shake is bad.

Shake is bad. But what if
it's the two-hander?

Hand on bottom, hand on top.
The warm look in the eyes.

- Hand sandwich?
- Right.

It's open to interpretation.
So much depends on the layering...

the quality of the wetness
in the eyes...

- Guess who.
- Hey, hey. He...

- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.

- It's good to see you.
- Hi.

- This is my friend George.
- Oh, hi.

- How are you?
- This is Laura.

- Sure, Laura, sure.
- I can't believe you're here.

- Get the bags.
- Yeah, sure, the bags.

- Here, Laura. l'm sorry.
- Oh, thank you.

That was an interesting greeting.
Notice that, George?

Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting.

That wasn't in the manual.


what do you think?

This place isn't so bad.

Yeah, it kind of motivates me
to work on the road.

So make yourself at home.

So can l get you anything?

Bread, water...

salad dressing?

Actually, do you have any wine?

Yeah, l think l do.

Do you mind if l turn this down?

No. Yeah, go...
Go right ahead. Yeah.

Jerry, l was wondering...

would it be possible,
and if it's not, fine...

for me to stay here
tomorrow night too?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why don't you stay.


What is your schedule
for tomorrow?

Are you doing anything?

No, l'd love to do something.

I have my seminar in the morning,
but after l'm wide open.

Really? What would you like to do?


l know this sounds touristy,
but l'd love to go on one of those...

five-hour boat rides
around Manhattan.

Yeah, we could do that.

Why not? Why not?

I'm just... l'm really glad you're here.



Yes, she is. Hold on.

It's for you.



No, no. lt was great, right on time.

No, l'm gonna stay here tomorrow.

Yes. Yes, it's fine.

No, we're going on a boat ride.

Don't be silly.

I'm not gonna have
this conversation.

Look, l'll call you tomorrow.

Okay. Bye.

Never get engaged.

You're engaged?

You know, you really have no idea
what it's like until you do it.

I'm on this emotional roller coaster.

You're engaged?

You know, l can't believe it
myself sometimes.

You have to start thinking
in terms of "we."

- lt's a very stressful situation.
- You're engaged.

- Yeah, he's a great guy.
- Yeah.

You'd really like him.

- I can't wait to get on that boat.
- Me too.

I swear, l have absolutely no idea
what women are thinking.

I don't get it, okay?
I admit, l'm not getting the signals.

I am not getting it.

Women, they're so subtle. Their little...
Everything they do is subtle.

Men are not subtle. We are obvious.

Women know what men want,
men know what men want.

What do we want?
We want women. That's it.

It's the only thing we know for sure.
It really is.

We want women.
How do we get them?

We don't know about that.
We don't know.

The next step after that,
we have no idea.

This is why you see men honking car
horns, yelling from construction sites.

These are the best ideas
we've had so far.

The car horn honk.
Is that the beauty?

Have you seen men doing this?

What is this? The man is in the car.

The woman walks by
the front of the car.

He honks the...

This man is out of ideas.

How does the...?

I don't think she likes me.

The amazing thing is that we still
get women, don't we?

I mean, men are with women.

You see men with women.

How are men getting women?
Many people wonder.

Let me tell you a little bit
about our organization.

Wherever women are, we have a man
working on the situation right now.

Now, he may not be our best man...

okay, we have a lot of areas
to cover...

but someone from our staff
is on the scene.

That's why men get frustrated...

when we see women
reading articles...

like "Where to Meet Men."

We're here. We are everywhere.

We're honking our horns
to serve you better.