Secrets of Playboy (2022–2023): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Circus - full transcript

After decades of silence, Hefner's former number-one girlfriend Sondra Theodore shares her story detailing how she was groomed by him to participate in his increasingly abusive sex life.

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What Playboy is really all about
and what Hefner is all about is
trying to say,

let's celebrate our sexuality.

It is fun when you first have
sex, right?

But he needed to
experience it all.

There's a line that's crossed.
It made me sick to my stomach.

It just got to be a circus.

I think for men like
Hef, over time,

it takes more to be turned on.

Ben Wa balls,

sex trapezes, sex with dogs.

These men needed to try things
that were more transgressive.



And that rush came from finding
these girls that were very

innocent and naive and slowly
watching them do things that
they never

thought they would do before.
Really just breaking them down.

This is beyond having fun
partying. He was like a vampire.

He was sucking the life out of
me. Really, he was a monster.

The things that he got turned on
by, nothing was enough, nothing.

My name is Hugh Hefner, I'm
editor/publisher of Playboy Magazine.

Hugh Hefner was just
27, he fashioned himself

and Playboy as the face
of sexual liberation.

Playboy is one of the most
famous brand names in the world.

I would like to be remembered as
somebody who played some
positive part in

changing the social
sexual values of my time.

I believe that Hef pulled
one over on the whole world.

The fantasy of Playboy that he
created did not allow for the
consent of the women.



When it came to Hefner's
buddies, you had to keep those
secrets quiet.

What have you got for free?

When you get someone that
powerful, anything could happen,
anything!

The people who are really there,
they're the ones who know the
real truth.

I want be a voice for the women
that suffered the most at his hands.

This was commissioned by one of
the art directors on our third anniversary.

And it's Hef and Sondra
three fabulous years,

but I can't hate my house.
It's just,

it goes against everything that
I'm trying to do right now.

Trying to get the word out,
just for girls, young girls

to be careful with the decisions
they make and what they give away.

Even though he's gone, there's
going to be another one in history.

They're out there,
there always is.

This subject matter is
a little touchy for me.

I was so innocent.

That's Sondra Theodore,
a rather special lady.

Between you and me, is she going
to be Playmate of the year? You
can tell me.

Well, not this year,
Dick, maybe next.

See, they're talking about what
a wholesome girl I was. And I was.

When I first met Sondra
Theodore at the LA mansion,

she was only 19 years old.
She was very young.

She was angelic, and she was
sweet, and she was absolutely beautiful.

And she was always
standing next to Hefner.

Sondra, she truly loved him.
Even though at that time I
didn't know her well,

I could just sense it.

She met Hef and just from
the get go, loved Hef.

Honestly, he probably should
have married Sondra because she
genuinely loved him.

My name is Sondra Theodore,

and I was Hef's girlfriend in
the seventies and early eighties
for five years.

It was like living
in a fairy tale, and

he made me believe it,
and everybody else did too.

'cause I don't know if they all
felt like it was a fairy tale too,

that we were so in love.

I would've never thought she
would speak about Hef because
boy was

she loyal to him.

Looking back, I don't
know how I fell for this.

I don't know, it's
like baffling. Hefner,

he broke me like you
would break a horse.

He scared me a lot at the end
because you couldn't satisfy him.

He had to more and more and
more, you know, pretty wild.

I couldn't tell anybody.

I would be horrified to tell my
parents what had been going on.

I didn't want them to know that.
I didn't want anybody to know that,

and I'm sitting here telling
you; that was my big secret.

I was a good kid.

I started piano when I
was seven, and I loved it.

My parents were strict. They
made me practice before school
and after school,

but I never once wanted to quit.
In high school, I focused on my studies.

I was going to become an
actress, and I was a Bible
school teacher.

I was just a really, really good
girl that had really high hopes
and dreams, and

I pursued them until I met Hef.

When I first went up to the
mansion, I really did not know.

I didn't have the concept of
who he was. I looked so happy,

but I had no idea what
I was walking into.

I told my mother that I was
going to Howard Hughes's house,
and she said,

he's dead. And I said, well,
there's another guy with HH in
his name.

And I said, oh
yeah, Hugh Hefner.

And they're like, "Oh no, no,
no, no, no, don't go there.

Don't go there." But I
said, "Mom,

don't be silly." And I went with
my high school best friend, and
we were going

together, and we were coming
home together. That was the deal.

When I first met Hef, he had
broken up with Barbi Benton,

and I learned that through the
photographs in the hall, the gallery,

that their life looked
like magic. I mean,

they have a picture in Gatsby
dress with the backdrop of the
house, and it

looked like, wow,
he really loved her.

And I still didn't
understand really that

he was a Playboy.

This is my best friend
from high school.

And Bernie was the prettiest
girl in high school.

And I was this nerdy little girl
with my coronated skirt, my vest,

and even my daughter would say,
"Mom, you were such a geek." You
know,

she sees my pictures that I
was, I was such a geek.

I've never been to a
Hollywood party at that point.

It was a big, big deal.

He really knew how
to work the charm.

The seduction was fast, and he
just really reeled me in that
first night

'cause he said, "I've looked
the whole party over,

and you're the one I want to
spend the evening with. Will you
stay?"

Those words alone, "I looked the
whole party over, and I'm the
one."

And

I couldn't even speak, but I had
a smile on my face I guess
because he said,

I'll take that smile as a yes.

Just all of it just make me feel
special. I was 19, and he was 50,

and I had not been
in bed with a man.

His secretary was Joni Mattis.
She was a playmate at one point.

He told Joni to make sure I
stayed right there so he could
find me again.

He had to go say
goodnight to his guests.

And then he came back,
and he took me upstairs.

Hef was my first real
relationship where

it was a real, it was a love
affair, and he nurtured that.

And he said to me, he said,

you're the first girl I've liked
enough to consider having a baby with.

Reel her in. Oh really?
You know?

you like me enough to - out of
all these beautiful girls, you
would pick me?

He chose me?

He would just take me up his
arms, and we'd dance around the
game room.

That was his way of being
romantic with me. I wasn't wise enough,

I wasn't worldly enough,
and my god, he was 50.

He had a wife and
children, and I didn't know

about the multiple girlfriends.

He has rules that you're not
supposed to be with other men.

I don't agree with his rules.

I feel that the woman has every
right to do everything that the
man has that

same right to do.

But Hef was brought up in an era
where girls do not fool around,
guys do.

And you know, I live by that.
You're a chauvinist pig, but I
love you.

Right after Barbi Benton, he
said I want to have, you know,

more than one girlfriend.

He was not gonna have a
singular girlfriend anymore,

that he was going to talk about

it openly.

He decided as he would say that
he would come out from behind
the desk and

live the Playboy life
that the magazine

represented. And Hef was the
Playboy of the Western world,

Why should he stop at
one when he could have

as many as he did?

But how could he make me accept
it, or how could he make me join
it?

You see our traditional value
held that the devil was in the flesh,

that the spirit and mind were
pitted against things of the flesh.

We tried to say, this conflict
does in existence and shouldn't
exist.

He would tell the public even
good girls enjoy sex, healthy sex.

And there was nothing healthy
about the sex with Hefner

because he took it too far.

He was taking the girl next
door, and he was soiling her.

I was living his life, and I
wasn't living mine. I wasn't
acting anymore.

He stopped me from getting
jobs, and he just got worse and

worse as far as the cheating
because he could. Not only was
he messing around,

he was even controlling me
when I was out of his sight.

He hired somebody to spy on me.
He hired a secretary my age.

I was 19 when I first started
at the mansion. We were all 19.

Sondra was his girlfriend when
I first started working there,

but he did have another girl
that he kind of dated on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.

So one was going out the back
gate, and one was coming out the
front gate.

I think he was probably worried
about what Sondra was going to
do on Tuesdays

and Thursdays. What was good for
the goose was not good for the gander.

She was not allowed to then date
on Tuesdays and Thursdays or
have a

relationship of
her own on any day.

The next day, he would say,
"What'd you guys do last night?"

And innocently at that stage, I
would say, "Oh, we had a ball.
It was great fun."

But as time sort of went on,

I grew to really love Sondra.
I had become a friend now,

so I was no longer comfortable
reporting back if you will.

It backfired on me because
Lisa and I were so close,

she finally told me one
night, she goes,

"I was hired to spy on you and
to report everything you did
when you were

away from him."

And then she ended up telling
him, I can't spy anymore, and
I'm not going to do it.

And he kept her on, but

it was pretty creepy.

He just cut me off from the
world, really.

And once you were there, it was
so big and sometimes so wonderful,

yet you were afraid at times,
you didn't want to tell your parents.

There wasn't anybody
else left out there that

would understand what
you're talking about.

Hef's creation of Playboy
was more than just getting

girls to take their
clothes off and post nude.

He wanted to create a
lifestyle for himself that was

accepted all over the world. I
mean, that's pretty glamorous
stuff right there.

He would tell me things
like, "You're making history.

You're going to be in the
history books." This is at the
Aliens Ball, I think.

He knew what to say.

He would tell you that our lives
are better than most people's
fantasies.

Everybody loves each other.
We shouldn't be suppressed.

Suppressed is the
big word with him.

I was raised in a very typically
protestant puritan home with a
lot of

repression.

And I think that starting the
magazine and the content of the
magazine are a

reflection to that.

And I think that the changes
that we've played some part in,

in the changing of society, they
have also taken place inside of me.

Whenever things would
get a little rocky,

he had a way about him to
make you feel like you're

the only one in the
world for him.

I was his public girlfriend,
and the others were just

play toys.
He had no real interest in them.

Once that playtime was
over - it was addicting.

You knew you were special
to be a lady at the mansion;

that was his romantic way, but
really, he wasn't very romantic
at all.

He just created this illusion
like smoke and mirrors.

Month after month after month,
there was a new girl every month
that came in.

So, I figured out, I might as
well be friends with them.

He would say things ,when are
you going to party with us?

And I say, "Never. Forget it.

It's not gonna happen.
It's not gonna happen."

It was really awkward for me
because I wasn't a lesbian.

Finally one day I just, oh
geez, okay. I'll try it once,

and then if I don't like it,
never ask me again." But he had
it all arranged.

He took me to the window,
opened the curtain.

He says, you see that blonde out
there? Go talk to her,

go talk to her, and see
if she wants to party.

So I went down there and asked
if she was thrilled, thrilled to
be invited up.

And that's how it started.

Yeah. Yeah. One of the first.

I'd never used that word

because I would never do that.
That sounds naughty, that sounds nasty.

I was told it was a party.
It was

getting together
to have some fun.

That was why I became like, I
really wasn't doing it, maybe, I
don't...

I don't know, but there's
certain words I can't say.

Sondra had to recruit young,

fresh meat for
orgies for Hefner.

And I was told about that from
another bunny that was there
that was asked to go

up there, and she did.

And she said, you cannot believe
what went on in that bedroom.

I was looking through my
pictures and I was thinking, my god,

nobody's going to believe my
story. Look at me. I mean, I
look happy.

I'm looking at him
with loving eyes.

And until I got to the pictures
of us sitting at the monopoly table,

this picture,
I'm being silly, I'm happy.

And then this picture, he's
whispering in my ear, isn't he?

I wonder what he's saying. And
then look at my face in that one.

I've been told to go
orchestrate an evening, and...

Can you see it? It was like with
the feeling I had every day,

I could believe everything was
wonderful, and I was happy, I
was in love.

This is New Year's, and

then as the evening approached

there it was,
there was the whisper,

there was his wishes
that needed to be met.

But sex of course for me is,
is not a physical act, you know,

it's romance.

Hef wasn't a romantic;
he was a king, the emperor;

you were in the magazine or the
bedroom, or you went home.

I didn't want a girl in the bed.
No, I didn't want to be with a girl,

but it's something
that made him happy.

I was told that we wouldn't
have to be apart anymore because

he would have no reason
to be apart from me.

He hadn't taken it too far yet.

Sondra had no idea what she was
getting into. I think that she
was groomed.

Once he decided to push the
boundaries even further,

there was no stopping
him at that point.

Hef used cocaine. He used more
than that. He had a drawer full
of drugs.

I discovered it when he started
giving me the key to that drawer.

And Johnny was on coke.
John Dante was his best friend.

He lived at the mansion.

Hef had to have
somebody on call 24/7

whenever he had the whim or the
need or the time that he wanted
to play a

game because he
was big on games.

John originated the orgy.

John Dante and Hugh
Hefner lived together in

the Playboy Mansion
for more than 20 years.

I got you, John.

What do you got?
That'll be a hundred dollars.

And Hefner would say, come up to
my bedroom and watch a movie.

And then you'd have two TV
screens filming the sex,

where you could stop it and play
it back and see yourself in the
act and so forth.

Partying would be going
upstairs with us to the master,

and you were bound to have sex.

It was fairly soon into it that

all of a sudden we were doing
the drugs and partying.

The drugs fueled how many people
you could get in your bed,

and then all of a sudden,
there's three of us. And three
girls became five, and

got ridiculous up there.

He twisted my mind so
much that... I loved him,

that proved how
much I loved him.

And I didn't want to
be with those people.

I was convincing them that this
was all just so wonderful and

everybody loved each other and
you're so lucky to be here,

I'm so glad you're here.

I take them up, you know,

get to know one another, the
champagne and then the drugs
will be brought out.

And then he would stroll
in and see us having fun.

And he would say, "Well, welcome
to the family. Welcome to the
family."

And that made them feel, "Oh
good. I'm part of it. You know,

I'm accepted." Who doesn't
want to be accepted?

Who doesn't want
people to like them?

The women at the mansion,

they lived an incredible
existence except for one thing,

nighttime is Showtime.

I felt like I was a ringmaster.

I felt like I had to put
the show on every night.

The group sex, it was at least
five nights a week. They had a protocol.

He liked to direct,
and he didn't segue away from

it because you could
tell that irritated him.

He was a man of
incredible appetites,

yet he wasn't always a
participant, you know.

He was a voyeur.
He liked to watch.

As his valet,

I was required to go to Mario
O'Connor every day when I came
to work

and get his schedule of
sexual events in his bedroom,

what girl he would be having sex
with and what costume she would
be wearing.

He sat in a special chair,
a very comfortable arm chair.

He would hire porn stars
to come to the mansion,

to the bedroom and have sex with
these girls while he would watch.

Mr. Hefner kept all his sex
apparatus in the headboard behind

the bed, the different
dildos, Ben Wa balls,

nipple clips, whips, straps.

And one of my jobs was after
the sexual events were over,

I had to put on rubber gloves
and pick up the dilos from the floor

and put them in a special
bucket. The maids would take
them downstairs,

spray them with a steam cleaner
to sterilize them and then put
them in plastic

bags. I would carry them back
upstairs and put them back in
the headboard.

Many of the girls after one
experience of having sex with

Hefner or with the porn stars
that he brought up there, they
went home.

Once was enough.

For a little while,
he was doing his crazy stuff,

I was just looking the other
way. Like on pig night,

I remember finding out what was
going on, because he said,

I'm going to be busy in the
early part of the evening,

some people are coming over. And
then somebody told me what it was.

A butler there, he said it's Pig
Night. And I said, what? What?

Every Thursday night,
Hefner had two pimps

bring up five or six
girls each and their cars.

It was girls that they would
pick up on Sunset Strip. At that time,

Sunset Boulevard was a very
big prostitution place.

That's where you went
to pick up somebody.

It was called Pig Night, but we,
as butlers, were always told,

do not call them pigs.
This was Hefner's term for them.

I don't know why he
called them pigs.

Thursday night was Pig Night.

When the guys on the mansion
list were expected to bring women.

They were ranked. There was a
hierarchy of whether you were a
ten or an eight

or a six.

They would come up and go
into the big dining room.

And Hefner's friends and
comrades and different stars,

movie stars,

television stars would sit
around the table with them.

And as the butlers,
we would serve them dinner.

They were told order
anything you want.

Hefner would sit at the head of
the table. He would never eat
dinner with them.

He would smoke a pipe
and observe the girls.

When I found out about it,

I went down to bedroom four
where I could look out where
they were all

laughing and getting drinks and
making these girls feel special.

One at a time,

the girls were escorted into
the front bathroom where the

doctor would inspect them
for anything that would

be detrimental to
any of his friends.

The girls that passed
mustard would have sex

with the different friends of
Hefner. Sometimes on Pig Night,

he had a special
woman that came up.

She was called the bleeder, and
she would use a very large syringe

and draw blood from
his different friends.

And then a girl would
come and perform fellatio

or give him a hand job.

And that was a really big
thrill for a lot of people.

And especially John Belushi, for
some reason, that really turned
him on.

I noticed that over time,

these men sort of needed more
for that sexual like stimulation.

They needed to try things that
were more transgressive because
when you can have

anyone you want and do anything,
then it becomes boring.

This is the roller skating
party, when roller skating was
really big.

Nothing was going to ever be
enough for him, and I realized that.

It didn't matter how many people
you brought in, how many
beautiful girls,

whatever it was,

it would only satisfy him for
the moment, and it would soon be over,

and then he'd have to find
something bigger, better naughtier.

He had too much.
He had too much.

It dissolved into this madness.

And I think the madness came
from our relationship that he
had created where for

the first time, he could
openly do these things.

And he found somebody that
loved him so much or was so easy

to manipulate that it
worked, but

it wasn't enough.

Cocaine became for me my
way of blocking it all out.

I could pretend I was somewhere
else or I was somebody else.

It didn't hurt me as much.
It didn't hurt

while I was doing
that, it didn't hurt.

And then I walked
in once, and he was

to with our dog. And I said,
"What are you doing?" He says,
"Well,

dogs have needs." And I
went, "Stop that,

just stop that." And I never
left them alone with the dog again.

I couldn't believe what I was
seeing. I could not believe what
I was seeing.

Well, there are some things that
will not appear yet in Playboy, hmm,

give an example, beastiality,
it's a sexual practice.

Is that a hangup that you
won't publish Beastiality?

No, I don't think that's a
hangup. I think you have to separate

the kinds of sexual activity
that really are degrading.

Joe Piasho, the head of
security, was my boyfriend at
the time,

he told me a story about Linda
Lovelace being brought up there.

Linda Lovelace,
she was the star of Deep Throat.

This was probably the biggest
pornographic film ever, at least
at that point.

Linda Lovelace, she got hooked
up with this gassy individual,
Chuck Traynor.

Linda was married to Chuck
Traynor who pimped her,

who beat her up on a regular
basis, threatened to kill her frequently.

And when they arrived
at the Playboy Mansion,

she was treated like
a piece of meat.

Linda was obliged to take part
in an orgy with Hefner's
cronies.

When I saw Linda Lovelace,

I definitely did not feel
that she was there willingly.

All the guys were laughing when
Linda Lovelace got out of the
limousine, and she

was drunk and drugged.

And all of a sudden out of
nowhere, a German shepherd shows up.

They got her so messed up that
they made her give the German
shepherd oral sex.

You want to talk about
depravity? This is despicable.

When Hef told me what that
night had been, he said, yeah,

so we invited her up,
and we all watched.

Who does that? Who does that?
Who'd want to see that?

The Linda Lovelace episode
exemplifies the attitude of
Playboy and

Hefner to women by and large.

This is the dark
underbelly of Playboy.

It's all very well espousing
liberal causes and talking about
the joys of

life,
freedom and sexual liberation,

except it boils down to watch

a girl have sex with an animal.

Just gastly.

I can't believe that I am that
girl that accepted that world.

He just took my world, and he
just turned the knobs slowly so that

everything came out of focus and
the only thing I could see was
what he told me.

He had to get more and more.
I've never known anybody had to
have that much sex,

but then when it got uglier
and uglier with, you know,

bringing men into the
bedroom, and I couldn't.

No drug could have made
me escape far enough,

and I didn't want
to be with another

man. I certainly did not
want to be with another man.

Hef became that obsessed
with it. I mean, yeah,

you could see it in this face.
It didn't matter how it made me feel.

It didn't matter.

And sometimes it was painful.
Men that

forced themselves on you,
it doesn't feel good. It hurts.

And I would tell him that,
please, don't, please.

I would use those words.
He hurts me. It didn't matter.

I felt so violated having a man
that I did not want to be with
forced upon me.

And the feeling that made me
feel inside was just sick,

the fact that my boyfriend
was okay with that.

There were guys up there that
ended up in situations that they
didn't want to be in.

It became apparent that they
have had more interest than

I thought in John Dante.
He wanted to sleep with him.

When Hef would make advances on
Dante, I could

just see Dante's face just fall.
And the dread,

the dread like I would feel.
And he knew he couldn't stop it.

There were certain girls that I
was very close to that I would
call crying,

and I would say, please come up,
please come up so I don't have
to do this.

And they would, they would
come up for me. And I felt,

at least I was with a friend,
and I was asking a lot of them,

but they would come up, and
that helped me get through it.

I found Solace in them,
the women, they were gentle.

I needed gentleness.
I needed love.

At least I had the beauty and
the tenderness with a girl that
I couldn't

get from him. I remember being
in the office, talking to Mary,

crying to Mary saying, "I'm
so tired. I'm so tired.

Why can't he just make a couple
nights normal?" And again,

well, if you're not going to do
it, somebody else will.

No, I could not, not feel well.
I had to be there. I had to feel good.

I had to be ready for anything.

On the first day of
my job as a valet,

I went upstairs to the bedroom.
I heard a lot of crying and moaning.

So I went into the
bathroom, and Sondra was on

the floor, crying, and there
was a lot of blood everywhere.

I'd gone to the gynecologist,
and I didn't want to be on the pill.

And so my doctor said, "Well, we
can put an IUD in." What's an
IUD?

"Well, you know, it's up there,
and it does the work, and it's
done.

You don't have to think about
it." I think, well, that's
perfect.

So he put it in me.

She had bled all over the bed,

and then she came into the
bathroom, and Mr. Hefner,

he got angry with her for
not taking care of herself.

And he goes, why would you do
such a stupid thing? See, I
wasn't being fun now.

She was bleeding, and she was
crying. And Mr. Hefner said,

I don't really want to
know your medical problems.

I was just dying. It was hurting
so bad I could barely take it, and

I guess I passed out.
One other time,

four years into the
relationship, I suddenly got
really, really sick.

The pain was so severe I could
hardly walk, and it was my kidneys.

And it was just excruciating.

I remember when Sondra was
sick with a kidney infection.

I do think that her illness was
in direct relationship to partying

and also sheer exhaustion.

I should have been in the
hospital, but if he had sent me
to the hospital,

then there might have been
questions why I was so sick.

He didn't want any
of that leaked.

I was tired, and it
was not just a body,

it was a mind too. I felt that
it was both being stripped,

used and swallowed up. It was
just, he was eating me inside out.

A kid who has a sweet tooth,
who is thrust into a candy store

and discovers that he is going
to live in that candy store for
the rest of his life,

starts after a little while
thinking about other things
besides candy.

When you're dealing
with someone who's so

self-centered and
so manipulative,

and she was so young
and he was so not,

he couldn't have had these
relationships with a grown ass woman.

Let's be very honest here.

He could not have had these kind
of relationships with an adult.

And that's why they had to keep
being young for him to be their first.

He asked me, he said, "Do you
like snuff films?" I said,

"What's a snuff film?" And he
said, "Well, it's a porn where

in the end, they kill the girl,

and that's the big orgasm."
Like, who would watch that?

And my reaction told him very
clearly that he was not going
down that highway with me.

I thought, who-

how could he like this?
And how could I care for him?

What kind of mind

is so far gone that it takes
killing somebody to get them

excited for that big release?

He was opening my eyes to this
monster. I mean, really, he was
a monster.

To me, that last year I was
turning 25, and my fears had

started to affect me. I'd
actually shake sometimes. I
dreaded it every night.

I knew that something was
going to be expected of me,

but the person that
had run from the room,

I think there were about
12 people up there,

12 people. And that's when I
look, I couldn't find myself,

who am I?

With all these limbs
and arms and legs,

and I'm thinking
this is so awful.

And so, I walked out

and went to the one place I knew
that people didn't know about,

the grassy knoll on top of the
jacuzzi where you could lay up
there privately.

And I just laid there
under the stars.

You're thinking that he
couldn't find me up there.

My life is him, and being there
with him, I was turning 25.

I remember looking in the
mirror, looking in my eyes,
thinking, where are you?

Where are you? I wasn't there.

I really changed a
lot from 19 to 21.

Everything changed about me.

I go from being so
fresh and young,

and then that emaciated,

terrorized girl that I might
as well have been a vibrator.

I might as well have been a sex
toy because that's what I was.

And nobody knew
the hell I was in.

And finally, I got the courage

to leave.

I had such great life when I
entered those gates. I was so
full of hope.

I was riding a star.
And when I left,

I was on a burning meteorite
to earth.

I was hitting the ground hard.

I wanted to be able to go and
leave that all behind and find some

normalness. I tried really hard
to make it normal. It was all okay.

I'm out of there. I survived it.
I'm married, I've got children,

my life is good,

but it was affecting me, and
it affected my marriage.

It affected me every day.
I don't know what normal is.

You know, I lived a luxury life,
yeah, but I paid dearly for it.

I had so much damage done to me
that I will never know how to be a

normal person and to accept
love as a normal person.

I will never believe that a man
would love me now because I'm
old,

I'm older, and that's just,
nothing can convince me.

Nothing can convince me that
I'm a desirable to anybody now.

I'd like to think that one
day I'll meet my soulmate.

I can't let go of that need, a
need to just be loved just for yourself.

You know, not for what you're
going to do for somebody. I may
never know that,

but maybe in the next
life, I don't know.

They zapped this young girl -
where am I? They zapped this girl,

away, she was gone. And all he
did was take and take and take that.

He zapped it right out me.
And how dare did he do that?

I was the best thing
that ever walked into his life.

But anyway, I'm so sorry I fell
apart, so sorry.

So it wasn't all glam and pokes.
It wasn't all fun and games.

I knew I wasn't.

Drop back any point in time,
take anybody from any point in time,

you have one dinner. I wouldn't
be at a dinner, but I mean,

there's certainly people that
you'd like to talk to one-on-one
and such and find

out what it was all about. I'd
certainly like to talk to Christ,

find out what that was all
about. - Would he like your act?

Probably. Probably be a little
confusing to him, but I would
imagine so. Yeah.

D you think he'd be confusing
to you? No, I don't think so,

our values are probably
very similar. Yeah.

He forgave the whores.

This is the time for women to
be able to express themselves.

I believed in the pitch because
I had not seen the future.

I had dreams of going
up the corporate ladder.

They pushed that ceiling
right back into my face.

You're never going to believe
what I found in the garage.

All of the complaints and the
sexual assaults, every
thing is on there.

It was rampant with the
sexual abuse of women.

Playboy was a business,
and I was part of it.

I began hating myself.