Secret Diary of a Call Girl (2007–2011): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

I love London.

I love its rudeness, its lack of community,
its impatience.

I even love its weather.

But most of all, I love the anonymity.

The first thing you should know about me
is that I'm a whore.

In a world of children in bikinis
and grandmothers in fuck-me boots,

the surest way to tell a prostitute
is to look for the woman in the designer suit.

Locate the lifts, glide past reception.

Look like you know where you're going.

Walk quickly,
don't attract too much attention.

Be fabulous but forgettable.



You should also know,
that this isn't the real me.

Morning.

Escort, hooker, prostitute, whore -
I don't mind what you call me.

That's just semantics.

There are as many different
kinds of working girls

as there are kinds of people,
so you can't generalise.

But, I can tell you about me.

I should say upfront
that I wasn't abused by a relative...

I've got no children to support
and I've never been addicted to anything.

Except for maybe the fourth season
of The West Wing, but, you know...

I'm very high class...

which means I charge by the hour...

and I charge a lot.

So, why do I do it?



Well, I love sex and I love money.

And I know you don't believe
I enjoy the sex, but l do.

Plus, I'm fundamentally lazy.

What I really like is being my own boss.

Well, pretty much my own boss.

Obviously I have an agent.

She vets all my clients.

- Two lovely new gentlemen for you today.
- OK.

An out call for this evening
and an in call this afternoon.

- When?
- Two o'clock.

It's half one now!

- Is it?
- Yes! You know I need an hour's notice.

Well, shit, shower and shave, sweetheart,
he's on his way over now!

I have certain rules.

Rule one. Keep life and job separate.

Personal, work.

Private.

Professional.

Hannah. Belle.

And never the twain shall meet.

Rule number two. Stay in control.

They sit down, I stand up.
Get the money first.

Yeah. I'll call after.

No problem.

All right, bye.

Rule three. Safety.
Always check in with the agency.

So, if I say ''no problemo'' instead of
''no problem'', there's a problem.

Everything you need's in here.

Rule four. Hygiene. Mine and his.

I always use men's deodorant.

I never wear perfume.

A professional never lets her client leave
smelling of woman.

Convince them that you're wet
and you're half way there.

Goes without saying.

And last but definitely not least,

work out what the client wants
as fast as you can, and give it to him.

Come with me.

Tell me something you fantasise about.

What d'you mean?

- Something that turns you on.
- Oh!

This.

Where are we doing this?

Where would you like to fuck me?

Outside.

Are we in an alleyway, in a dirty alley?

Em... OK.

(Mouth full) On a beach?

In a field?

On a farm?

Ah, the field's on the farm.

I'm a country girl.

You're a farmer...

or a stable boy that's seduced me.

Oh! Oh! Can you see the stables?

Yeah, course I can.

Can you smell the horses?

I can smell the horses,
they're making noises in their stalls.

They're getting very excited.

Horses have giant cocks, don't they?

Oh, yes. Yes, they do.

Maybe you should take me to the stable.

Dinna fuck the horse!

No, I don't even get close. It's too big.

Ohh! What's it doing?

The horse, the stallion, is out of control.

It's far too big. It sounds like
it's going to break the stall door.

- Aye, they're powerful, horses.
- Very.

Powerful. Horse.

I tell everyone I'm a legal secretary
for one of those huge international law firms.

You know, the ones that need staff at night
to meet contract deadlines.

It's so boring,
no one ever asks me about it.

I can't even tell my best friend, Ben,
what I do for a living.

Best custard tart in London, that.

See the crust?
That's not a machine, that's hand-made.

- I thought Vanessa had you on a diet?
- She does.

I'm living on fucking tofu,
but I'm eating leftovers at the club.

You've been fatter than this!
I never put you on a diet.

Yeah,
but you're the worst girlfriend in the world.

- What?
- Don't mess about.

You never!

- You don't really...
- Look at the size of your chops.

- It's really nice.
- Give it. Yes, I do.

Oh, you!

- Fancy a game of spoilt little rich girl?
- We haven't done that in a while.

- That one!
- That one!

Well, I think this is lovely.

It's a shame the pool's so small, though.

We're not making a decision
based on pool size, Benjamin.

It is shit though.

Let's... go on in.

Oh, plush!

This is perfect.

Beautiful fireplace.

Oh, yeah, great.

Barrister or QC.

No way. Stockbroker.

It's owned by a retired barrister
who wants to move out of London.

He still loves the property.

Sash...windows.

- Yeah, I love the sash.
- Love it.

Why don't you try the acoustics?

She trained in Vienna.
Plays the most incredible Chopin.

That's terribly rude, Benjamin.

Plays like an angel.

Thanks very much. Goodbye.

Chopin, you cunt?

How does anyone ever afford
to buy a house in London?

One day. It's just about making the money.

It's a nice hotel.

Not big enough for an Arab,
not expensive enough for an American,

not trendy enough for a young professional.

He'll be over 50, long-term married.

First time with an escort,
so I'm guessing he'll be newly retired,

which has led to a drop in self-esteem
and a need to feel powerful and special.

This is why I'm good at my job.

Belle?

Daniel?

Hi.

Right, I'll get a drink, shall I?

Why don't you just try lying back?

Sorry.

Oh, God, oh, God!

Oh, look at that, the hour's all gone!

Don't worry.

- No, look, I have to say, I can't afford...
- I mean, don't worry, we'll get there.

Just need to relax.

Why don't you watch me have a play?

That's extraordinarily nice of you. It's just...

I have to, um...

I'm going to have to go, actually.

What...you're not staying here?

No, I can't.
I'm not a huge fan of hotels really.

But you stay if you want. I paid online.

On my own?

Well... if you like.

I'm just offering,
so as not to waste, um...any...

Thank you, though.

Thanks for your time.

And I'm sorry...

..Belle.

Enchante.

No, no, I'm sorry. Is...
Is there anything in particular I haven't...

Oh, no, no, no, no, it's just...

Er...good night.

Well, that's a first.

Thank you.

Just put it there, thank you.

No one else?

Oh, well. Probably for the best.

Can't have anyone getting too hefty.

And last but not least, Rachel.

I make it two three.

No, it's two.

Rachel, Iook at me
with my books, my records.

Now look at you with your roots.

It's two three, sweetheart.

I owe you the three hundred.

Yes, you do.

Now, ugly mugs.

This gentleman has been all over town
with fraudulent money.

Shiny notes.
He tried it on with one of Bruce's girls.

She said he spoke with an accent.

- Be Eastern European.
- You can't say that.

No, it's racist.

Can't be fucking racist
against Eastern Europeans.

- You can be prejudiced.
- I'm fucking prejudiced then.

- Right, we're all agreed.
- They are my people.

Funny how you're listed as Swedish
on the site then.

Enough. Right, that's your lot.

Where's Fiona?

Apparently her bloke
saw the photo of her on the internet.

- Oh, no.
- Recognised underwear he'd bought her.

- No!
- I should get my pictures more pixelated.

No one is getting more pixelated.

Christ, they can barely make out
your gender as it is.

I just couldn't bear it if my parents found out.

Ladies, I've got another lot here in a minute.

And keep things free.

Holiday season coming up and all that.

Oh, um, my young one from the other night,
Daniel, did you hear anything?

Yes, he rang to book again, actually,
but I gave him someone else.

- He was more specific this time.
- What did he want, then?

He asked for girl next door.
He said jeans, no make-up.

- Takes all sorts, I suppose.
- Who've you given him to?

- Rachel.
- Rachel? ¡ê300 short Rachel?

Are you playing me?

Now, stop asking favours and
if you're not going to eat anything, fuck off.

Hello.

Yes, Gabriella is free.
Six o'clock is fine. Thank you.

You know, I would order something
but I'd be worried you'd take 40% of my food.

Sorry, I know you were expecting
someone else.

Oh, no, no.

- Rachel's not well. It's not good.
- Right.

Well, hurray!

Well, not hurray.

So you've got me,
without the miracle of hair and make-up.

No, I like it.

We can put you in a nice hot shower,
if we just get the...

Oh, yeah, of course!

Why do you wear shoes in your own flat?

Sorry?

Well, it's just...
it looks like you're on your way out.

Oh, you're a fan of feet, then?

Not like that!

Yeah!

That'll be the...

Hello.

No problem, no problem.

Yeah, I know.

I'll call... I'll call you after.

OK, bye.

My girlfriend and I were together
for four years...

and it's difficult.

I mean, I meet other girls.

I like some of them.

But, after half an hour or so
I just realise how little I appreciated...

When did you find out?

At a party.

She was with her chap.

She's nine months. She's like...right out.

She looks exactly like
I always imagined she would.

Oh, no, you don't have to do the other one.

No. I do. I have to do both. I have a thing.

I like symmetry...

and square numbers and palindromes.

What's a palindrome again?

A word that's spelt the same
backwards as forwards.

Like noon.

Level.

- Hannah.
- Hannah.

You're Hannah?

Yeah.

Hi, this is Ben, I can't take your call now.
Leave me a message.

I know, Stephanie, and now I'm asking you
to give him to someone else.

Well, I'm unpredictable like that.

I don't know, tell him whatever you want.

You're not going to believe what I found.

I was quite a spoilt little girl
when I was younger

and one of the many lessons I had...

Now, what I want to know
is who wears this?

You or me?

Sometimes, it's not the youngest
or the richest clients you want,

or the ones you have most in common with.

For me, the perfect partner
is one where I never have to be myself.

Sometimes I get paid to do things
I've always wanted to do.

The most prestigious adult party
in the country.

- Oh, shit!
- Shit, sorry,

I know that man from somewhere.

I was this close
to having the best sex ever.

- I like your work, by the way.
- I like your work too.

Now, is it just me, or are you
a little overdressed for a work do?

Maybe, later on when you are really desperate,
I will fuck you.