Secret Agent (1964–1967): Season 2, Episode 23 - Not So Jolly Roger - full transcript

He who rides a tiger

Never can be smart

And that mums and dads, boys
and girls, and little ones,

is where I'm afraid we
must take our leave of you

but we will be running up
the Jolly Roger

in just six bells from now.

So, until then, this is your
happy, pappy Andy Andrews

wishing you a very, very good
night from Radio Jolly Roger.

And to take us into the wee small hours,

here's the master himself.

Close that down will you, Jerry?



Think about me, baby

Why don't you

Think about me right now

Why don't you

Think about me, baby

Why don't you have a heart

Before we part

And thinking about me

I need you so

You just don't know

How much you mean to me

If you forget to remember

When alone with someone you meet

If you think



Now, get this quickly.

They're passing on secret
code to a submarine.

I don't know the system they're using

but the record they use as a signal

is Strauss's Blue Danube Waltz.

Someone by the name of--

Aye, you picked a miserable
day for a man to turn pirate.

You got to live.

Aye, there's other ways of doing it.

If you've any sense, young fella.

Yeah?
-You'll tip your hat

to the lot of them.

Pretty, isn't it?

Aye.

No doubt the captain will be
waiting to pipe you aboard.

Okay.

All right, lower away.

Put your foot in the loop.

All right, take it up.

Lower away.

Well, welcome aboard, Drake.

You made good time.

We managed the early tide.

You'll be Mr Janson or
should I say captain?

No, the manager.

We may be at sea, Drake,
but I can assure you

this is no Mediterranean cruise.

I've seen that already.

It's a business operation.

The routine is no different

from any land-based radio station

except, of course, we don't
have a license to broadcast,

a situation which worries no one.

Apart from the government and, that said,

they don't bother about it too much.

Ah, here we are.

Well, we're outside the
three-mile limit here

so all they can do is grin and bear it.

It means, of course,
that the shifts are long

and the work hard. But like pirates
of old the rewards are high.

This is the transmission fort.

I'll take you to the living quarters.

Yes, fine.

Looks comfortable.

Now, do you drink, Drake?

Not enough to lose my sea legs.

Ha, fine.

Oh, scotch?

Yes, straight.

Well, I must say it hasn't been too easy

operating with only one disc jockey.

Our London office
recommended you most highly.

Oh, that's nice.

Where's the studio?

In the next fort, I'll
take you around later.

I gather you're conversant
with bank turntable operations.

Oh, naturally.

Good, well, you can take
over the evening shift.

No point in wasting time, eh?

I'll do any shift tonight.

Ah.

Our new DJ?

Oh, JD, as a matter of fact.

Oh, yes, of course.

Johnny Drake.

That's very good.

I'm Linda.

My wife.

How do you do, Linda?

We certainly need some
new talent around here.

I've been listening to Susie.

Honestly, darling, that girl
gets drearier by the hour.

Susie?
-Our other DJ.

Suzie Wade, she's been
working around the clock

for the last few days,
not exactly bubbling over

with new ideas.

Yes, but some originality.

I mean the cliches that girl uses.

Well, you'll want to
see your cabin, Drake.

So, I won't keep you.

I'll have Corrigan show you the way.

That's all right, darling,
I've nothing better to do.

Corrigan has nothing better to do either.

I can show Johnny the way.

Corrigan, will you come in here, please?

Corrigan's our cook.

Really?

He's a bit of a character.

That's a polite way of
saying he's an habitual drunk.

Would you be wanting me, sir?

Ah, take Mr Drake to his cabin, will you?

Ah, yes.

See you at dinner, Johnny.

We're, uh, we're quite informal.

Until dinner then.

I should have thought you'd learned

your lesson with Andrews.

Of course, darling.

Didn't you?

And how about that?

They're the 123 boys in my book.

Coming up now with a new one
by Ray Anton and the Surf Riders

and don't forget all these
good things are coming your way

on Radio Jolly Roger,
your friendly pirate.

Here we go then with what
should be the theme song

of our fort, Look Before You Leap.

Look before you leap

The pride of the Jolly Roger.

Comfortable.

Oh, it's all that.

It could be a wee bit more,

if you're a considerate man.

Has been known.

Well, me and your predecessor,
we had an arrangement.

He'd give me a bottle, occasionally,

and I'd bring him snacks from the galley.

Sounds interesting.

Oh, it is.

It is.

You don't have a bottle or two

carrying about with you, do you?

It's just possible.

Did he keep your supplied?

Oh, aye. Though it was
a terrible business, terrible.

What actually happened?

Well, it's hard to say.

He was, he was going underneath.

I don't think we've been introduced?

Well, the name's Mullins.

We continue our session with more music.

You up to your old tricks
again, are you, Corrigan?

I'm here on the captain's orders.

Showing Mr Drake the ropes.

You'd be better clearing up the galley.

It's a slop house again.

You keep out of my galley!

Just get to it!

Ah, you great, big, black-bearded bastard.

I see I'm going to enjoy
the happy family atmosphere

you engender Mr Mullins.

Well, he was just after the booze.

The booze?

Aye, Mr Janson keeps a supply
of bottles in the cabins.

The nearest bar is eight miles away.

Very thoughtful of him.

The studio's in the other fort.

Unpack your things and go
and take a look, will you.

And now to our unfinished business.

Oh, yes.

We didn't celebrate your arrival.

That's a very good idea.

He's not a very sociable man, is he?

Mr Mullins?

Oh.

The man is a contumacious character.

Is he?

Ah.

What does he do?

Nothing.

Really?

Got no job at all

Really?

This is the real McCoy.

He's a surly devil.
Just goes after the captain,

cleaning up after him.

Oh, he's a mean man.

A mean man, indeed.

Oh, good whisky.

Would you like to take care of it for me?

Oh, thank you, sir.

Anytime you want anything,

don't forget just whistle up
old Corrigan, anytime.

Anytime at all.

This is Radio Jolly
Roger and coming up next is,

It's Love I Should Have Tried.

I give you all I had to give

I picked you up in style

But when I knocked on your front door

You never seem to smile

I tried to live like the movies

A big red car to get you by my side

But all too late my conscience told me

It's love I should have tried

I've been waiting

Waiting for you, baby

I've been waiting for you, child

Come on over, baby

Your place is right here by my side

Now, that it's too late

Thank you, Rick Minas.

Now, we bring you a new
one from Ted Astley.

It's a groovy little
number called The Scorpion.

So, you're Johnny Drake?

What did they do, shanghai
you from the Third Programme?

I couldn't resist the brochure,

all those balmy nights
dancing on the main deck,

tombola in the lounge.

It's funny I thought I knew most of DJs

but I never heard your name.

That's not surprising?

I've been giving the
word to the sheep farmers

for the past year.

Oh, Australia?

I have a few friends there.

Oh, it was New Zealand
as a matter of fact.

I see.

Then you'll know all about the DR5s.

Yes, the only thing I don't know how to do

is change the elastic bands.

We've got Jerry Summers for that.

Hey, Jerry, meet your latest headache.

I can see he's going to be a great comfort

on the long night shifts.

You won't find it so
funny a week from now.

What time you taking over?

After dinner, earlier if you like.

How about the program schedules?

Janson been over them with you?

That's what I came to check.

It's all in here.

You'll get cues from Jerry

when we're going to run commercials.

The discs are all made up and ready to go.

Rule number one being
always to stick to schedule.

The rest is patter and sheer boredom.

But you can always go back if you like.

They've stopped hanging
pirates now, you know.

I'll go when I'm ready, not before.

So do we all unless
we fall overboard, hmmm?

That isn't funny.

And now coming up is a preview
of good things to come.

With me now is a new DJ you'll be hearing

a good deal from on
Radio Jolly Roger.

I'm referring to that well-known
exponent of the turntable

and a very good friend
of mine, Johnny Drake.

Hello friends, this is Johnny Drake,

fresh in on the noonday tide

with a new batch of disks for you

which will be coming to you
through Radio Jolly Roger,

the friendly pirate.

I'll be manning the guns
round about six bells

and firing off some new
discs and some old favorites.

Right now, we have for you
Strauss' Blue Danube Waltz.

Well, we'll change that for a start.

Let's go exploring,
see what we've got now.

Ah, what better to change it with

than Don't Try to Change Me by Rick Minas?

Shh.

What's the matter, Rick,
forgotten the words?

You idiot.

We're not allowed to change
the record schedules at all.

What difference does one record make?

What's so special about it anyway?

Hey, don't try to change

Oh no, don't change me

Hey, don't

What the devil do you
think you're playing at?

What?
-I'm sorry, Mr Janson.

It was a mistake.

Mistake?

You mean stupidity?

That record was clearly marked.

Neither of you have the
authority to make changes.

You want good programs, don't you?

I mean that record went
out with the roaring '20s.

This is my station, Drake.

I'll worry about the ratings.

You do that again, you're
out, you understand?

Oh, fair enough, I'll play
the teddy bears' picnic,

all night long if that's want you want.

It's not what I want.

Now, don't try to get smart with me.

I'm sorry, I didn't
realize it was so important.

It isn't important.

It's...

It's a question of the copyright payments.

The London office does all
the paperwork, you understand.

That's normal procedure, isn't it.

Well, let's just forget
about it, shall we?

I can put it out next Mr Janson.

Uh.

Yes, yes, why not, Susie?

I'll go and finish my unpacking.

I'm terribly sorry about that.

That's all right, Drake.

See you later.

It's all so easy

So very easy

Just got that feeling

That I felt for you

But I don't mind

So if you ever come my way

You got the key

The key to my heart

I'll be the lonely one

I'll have to keep on

Til you come along

Key to my heart

Don't you throw it away

That was key to my heart

and now for a change in waltz time,

here's an old favorite, The Blue Danube.

Well, put it down, you fool.

I think we're going to be in for a storm.

Corrigan always takes the
bottle when the barometer falls.

Fascinating character.

My husband chose him
personally, didn't you, dear?

I want to see you later,
Corrigan, do you understand?

Whenever you say, sir.

Tonight!

Tell me, Johnny, what do
you think of our studio?

I hope you don't find it as primitive

as some of our amenities?

Very well-equipped, I'd say.

Good.

Perhaps, now that you're here,

we'll be able to put on
some entertaining programs?

Do you do any broadcasting
yourself, Mrs Janson?

Oh heavens no.

I don't seem to have the time.

All right.

Well, your due on the air soon, Drake.

Oh yes.

Yes, I am.

I'd better be going to man those tables?

Good luck.

Thank you.

I rather like him.

Well, we'll soon see if he's
everything he claims to be.

Hmm, what a fascinating thought.

Cutting it fine, aren't you?

Family failing, are we ready?

Commercial's running.

One minute.

This the schedule?

Yes. Standby.

You're in tune to the
sound of Radio Jolly Roger

and it's Koffel time.

Oh, relax, Marco.

It's money time.

I just don't want any problems that's all.

Honestly, darling, you're
getting positively neurotic.

Hello there, landlubbers.

Welcome to Radio Jolly Roger,

your friendly pirate
Johnny Drake on the bridge.

Or to use the surf side
syllables JD the DJ of the JR.

I'll be with you 'til
the dog comes on watch.

Right now, here we go with...

Well?

You're the worrier, darling.

And you're supposed to be the expert.

He's good.

He makes Susie sound like amateur night

at the village hall.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

No change in schedule then.

There never was any
question of that, surely?

No, no, of course not.

A drink, Mullins?

Yeah, please.

Well, what do you think of the new DJ?

Fascinating.

Wind's blowing up a storm out here

but, not to worry, request
time will be with you

15 minutes from now.

Meanwhile, let us go with a new one

from the Copperfields, John Hardy.

John Hardy was a brave little man

He carried two guns every day

Killed him a man in the West Virginia land

It'll last the night.

Should do.

All medium wave stuff, is it?

That's all we broadcast on.

I thought you might have
had a standby transmitter

for communications.

There's a radio telephone for that.

Yes, of course.

What's in here?

Not being the inquisitive
type, I wouldn't know.

Well, it's your studio, isn't it?

I work here, that's all.

What are you after, Drake?

You've been asking questions
ever since you came here.

I'm just naturally inquisitive,

especially, when someone seems
to be hiding the answers.

Well, you take a tip from me.

This is the wrong sort
of place to get nosy in.

Is that what Andrews did?

Yes, but he --

Look, Drake, I am not involved

and I don't want to be, right!

Well, that's your privilege, isn't it?

I'll take you home

Again Katherine

Across the ocean path

Too weary at heart

Has ever been

Fine night for fishing, Mr Corrigan.

Yeah.

Aye.

It depends on what you catch.

Something for breakfast?

Aye, if your tastes run that way.

Then drowned.

Drowned?

Fish?

Hey.

Been on the hook in the sea too long.

What's the fishing like here?

Plenty of herring?

Oh, yeah.

That's a fine fish.

It's a fine fish for breakfast.

What do you use for bait?

Oh, seaweed, seaweed's good.

The best thing you can have.

You could do with some seaweed.

No, thank you, Mr Corrigan.

Would you like some navigator's ruin?

No, thank you, Mr Corrigan.

Keep some!

Keep it, good night.

Especially for you.

Thank you.

Morning.

Morning, Drake.

How'd you like your first
taste of a good sea breeze?

Bracing, Mr Janson, quite bracing.

I only hope our anchors are secure.

Oh, it'll take more than the storm

to shift the Jolly Roger.

Let's hope so.

You know this was an
artillery fort during the war.

They built dozens of them out
at sea all round the coast.

Fitted them out with anti-aircraft guns.

They did a very good job too.

It really belongs to the army then?

No, not anymore.

They left them to rot for 20 years.

I just claimed these under maritime law.

This one's bedded down on solid rock.

Very glad to hear it.

I wish somebody would tell Corrigan

makes me seasick just to look at him.

Good morning, Mr Drake.

It's going to be a stormy afternoon.

Yes, it's blowing up.

We might be in for some bad weather.

Ah, certainly, we might.

How's everything in the galley,

all battened down, is it?

Oh, everything's stowed
safely, ship-shape.

But it rolls a bit, oh,
it rolls all the time.

The only thing that's rolling down there

are your empty bottles.

No, ma'am, no.

They're stowed away quite safely.

I'm not a man to drink in heavy weather.

I hope it stays fine for you.

Yes.

Stay fine for me.

Yes.

Yes.

You're due on shortly, aren't you?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Sorry, is Summers still
in the studio, is he?

Yes, he plays tapes from six o'clock.

He's a busy man.

I want my breakfast.

Morning, Mr Mullins.

You look as though you had a bad night?

Don't you worry about me.

I don't have to beguile housewives.

No, no, you're more
the strong, silent type,

aren't you Mr Mullins?

That's what I like about breakfast.

Such a nice, friendly atmosphere.

You're rather good at
causing trouble, aren't you?

Uh, no, no, not, not really.

Not, not, not deep down underneath.

I shouldn't say that.

All right, I'd better go
join the happy housewives.

How many have we got by the way?

What?

Audience figures.

Oh, um, about a million.

Really?

Hey, don't try to change me

Oh no, don't change me

Hey, don't rearrange me

Oh no, don't rearrange me

Hey, don't try to change me

Hi there, it's Johnny
Drake with top of the morning

from Radio Jolly Roger,
your friendly pirate.

Got some fabulous songs coming your way

to speed along those
household chores

but, first, let's take a rain check,

housewives, I mean homemakers.

One, kettle on, should be boiling by now.

Two, teapot, and necessaries standing by.

Three, feet up, cigarettes handy.

I'll tell you the brand later.

Four, check that hubby has, in fact, left.

You never know he might still be asleep

behind that morning newspaper.

All right-y, let's go with It's a Lie,

the Stormsville Shakers.

If they say I don't need you

Come on back to me

You're not much of a talker, are you?

About anything.

That's not what I'm paid for.

I suggest we have a little practice.

What about?

Andrews.

They say you were the
last person to see him.

So what?

We were on duty together.

He left, next morning, gone.

Didn't it strike you
as a little suspicious?

You know when a person
doesn't want to talk,

it usually means they
have something to hide.

Look the police came.

They agreed he must have
fallen off the deck.

Why is this door always kept locked?

I don't know.

Power cables, Summers.

Where do they go to?

You ever wondered about those?

Yes.

So did Andy.

But he found out, hmm?

I think so.

See, Janson sometimes asks us

to leave the generators on overnight.

That only occurs when you're playing

Strauss' Blue Danube Waltz?

He got the idea a few
days before he -- disappeared.

I didn't want to get involved.

For someone who's not involved,

you seem to know an awful lot.

You're on.

Thank you, the Stormsville
Shakers and now stand by

for 10 of the best from
the American Hot 100.

But, first, let's hear about the latest

from Bouquet Boutique,

the family florist

with a name for quality.

A rose by any other name
would smell as sweet

but when it's from Bouquet Boutique,

well, you just know it's
hand-picked and fresh

as the morning dew.

For all those special occasions,
consult Bouquet Boutique,

your family florist and
I can vouch for them, ladies.

I never get my buttonholes anywhere else.

Now, stand by for the American Hot 100.

There is something else.

What is it?

Andy made a note of the dates

and transmission times of that disc.

I found his notebook on the
top deck the following morning.

Where is it?

In my cabin.

I can't show it to you--

Get it now!

I got to do all this--

We're playing 10 numbers,

there's plenty of time.

Get it.

Go on.

Every moment I could undo

What I had done

How can I

Can I

Come back to you

I can't see how I

Could have made you feel this way

If I showed you

That I want to

Start from yesterday

Interesting piece of
equipment, Mr Mullins.

Short-range job and
I imagine a directional aerial.

Who are your friends?

You got more important
things to worry about.

Outside.

I can't see how I

You won't need them,

not where you're going.

If I showed you

That I want to

You killed him!

What is it?

A bit of trouble on the main deck, sir.

What sort of trouble?

He just killed Johnny Drake.

You stupid fool!

Never mind that!

Why?

Well, he was in the transmitter room.

You know--

All right.

I was bringing him down
here when he turned on me.

He was no DJ either.

Didn't you hear what I said?

Yes, of course, we did, my dear.

You said that Mr Drake
slipped and fell into the sea.

You're not going anywhere
so don't bother trying.

You're mad.

All of you.

The police are sure to find out.

We're not exactly on the local bus route.

But we've got to keep
our pop addicts happy.

We can't play taped programs
indefinitely, can we?

I couldn't.

You couldn't?

Oh yes, you could, my dear,

if the incentive was strong enough.

You'll go on the air, broadcast
as if nothing had happened.

So long as you keep doing
that you'll be of some

small value to us.

Come on.

But suppose I give myself away?

I can't just--

Oh, don't worry, darling.

You're dreary at the best of times.

Don't be unkind, Linda.

I'm sure that Susie will do her best

now that she knows how important it is.

Stand by.

And don't forget, darling,
I won't lose any sleep

if I have to use this.

It won't be the first time.

This is Radio Jolly
Roger, your friendly pirate,

and it's Susie Wade with a bumper bundle

of the latest by the greatest.

Here we go then with No Words
From You by the Zephyrs.

I sent a letter to you

Only yesterday

I said the things a lonely
boy would want to say

No words from you

I can't believe that you

Just planned to put me down

No words from you

Dammit, you didn't have to kill Summers.

You said to find out.

He knew all about Drake

and he even had that notebook of Andrews.

How the devil am I going to justify this?

Maybe the submarine can help?

Oh, you idiot.

It's miles away by now.

Can't contact it until
the next rendezvous time.

Well, the barometer's rising.

Stopped raining already.

What have you done with Summers body?

It's in his cabin.

Well, you better move it just in case.

No words from you

Radio telephone, where is it?

It's not here, it's in the studio.

Stay there!

The gun, please.

What sobered you up, Mr Corrigan?

Summers?

You might say that.

We appreciate you helping
us to find the notebook

when Summers scarpered to
his cabin, we thought --

However, gratitude is an empty notion.

That was the very latest from the Zephyrs.

Now, tipped for the charts.

This is Radio Jolly Roger,
your friendly pirate,

coming to you on 219
and it's a brand new one

from The Intuitions, Though I Know.

All right, standby for the New Generation.

It's one o'clock on Radio Jolly Roger.

Stay tuned to 219 for the good things.

Coming up now with the
number one in entertainment

The New Generation show brought to you

on Radio Jolly Roger by Helen Tours,

the holidays of a lifetime.

And here's the New Generation themselves

with The Key To My Heart.

Each and every night

They say that you will be

Just had you seen to me

But you walked away

Stopped at my feet

My heart missed a beat

But you walked away

If I could feel that you would say

Cause if you would

Then all my dreams would show

My head's splitting.

All right, go and get a breath of air.

But don't be long.

The disc is only on for three minutes.

Just as you seem to me

Johnny, I thought you were killed.

I want you to so something for me.

Get back on the air.

As soon as you can, send out a message,

say it is quiet enough for a drum solo.

Go on say it.

It's quiet enough for a drum solo.

But why, what am I saying it for?

It's my favorite phrase,
I'll explain later.

Can you do it?

Yes, I'm sure I can.
-Go on, quickly.

But you walked away

Yeah, you walked away

But you walked away

Oh, you walked away

A cool one there from the Surf Boys,

a fast climber in our Hot 100.

Time now for a change of tempo

which is the way things
are out here right now.

Storm's died down, sea's calm.

You might say it's quiet
enough for a drum solo.

So stay tuned to Radio Jolly
Roger, your friendly pirate,

where it's quiet enough
for a drum solo right now.

Coming up, a new one from the
Skylarks, Keep Me Satisfied.

Quiet enough for a drum solo?

It might be a code.

Do you think Suzie?

Suzie, never.

She wouldn't say boo to a mouse.

She might be tied up with Andrew or Drake?

I told you we shouldn't wait.

I told you.

Tell Linda to give the emergency
signal for the submarine.

We must leave at once.

Well, that's the last trick you'll play.

You've got a lot of explaining to do.

Come on.

Laugh at me

I watched them on my knees

I'm begging you please

Won't you change your ways

Change your ways

Mullins, here now.

It's quiet enough here for a drum solo

and this is Johnny Drake
your friendly DJ signing off

and disembarking with He Who Rides a Tiger

by Patsy Ann Noble.

Take a look around you

Tell me what you see

Well, take a look around you

Folk, like you and me

Someone to call their own

No one else will count

He who rides the tiger

Never can be smart

Never say to people

That you keep off the grass

He who rides the tiger

Going away for the weekend?

You'll have many of
them, long secluded ones.

Good idea, this pirate station, wasn't it?

Pop music 'til midnight.

Don't keep them waiting.

He who rides the tiger

Never can be smart

Trailers.to: Watch Full HD Movies & TV Shows
Premium Platform