Secret Agent (1964–1967): Season 2, Episode 1 - You're Not in Any Trouble, Are You? - full transcript

This is Bill Ellis
reporting on Robin Garwood.

I can now state categorically

that Garwood's death was not an accident.

If you put a message
in the personal column

of the newspaper, Il Globo,

message to read: Wolf contact Carl,

you will be approached by--

Hi, Bill.

Oh, it's you, Dave.

What's the matter?

You look as though you're expecting



somebody with two heads.

Not exactly, but I could do with a laugh.

Do you want a drink?

Ridiculous question.

What's the matter, the
starlets not biting tonight?

Yeah, but I'm fresh out of bait.

Well, with all the tricks you--

Pardon me.

Grazie, arrivederci.

Drake, John Drake, but for the purpose

of my visit to Rome, it's Clive Harris.

How do you do, Drake, sit down.

Harris.

That was the police.



I was just talking about the
case, death by misadventure.

Lightly taken with alcohol,
was the phrase they used.

He'd had the equivalent
of a couple of scotches.

Yes, Ellis could've
drank two bottles of scotch

and still not tripped
from a top floor window.

Of course not, but
the police don't realize

he was investigating
Garwood's death for us, do they?

This inventory of Ellis' belongings.

What about it?

well there's no mention
here of an electric razor.

Electric razor, is that important?

Yes, yes, George took
it with him everywhere.

In actual fact, it was
a tape recorder he used

to make all his reports.

Oh, very interesting.

Have you booked in at the Michelangelo?

No, I came straight from the airport.

What room was he using?

600.

I'd better start there, hadn't I?

Good afternoon, sir.

Am I so obviously English, then?

It is a compliment, sir.

We are always happy to welcome the English

to the Michelangelo.

You desire a room, sir, a single room?

Yes, a single room with a shower.

All our rooms have showers, sir.

I can offer you a very nice
room on the third floor.

Are all your rooms alike?

Yes, all our double rooms

and our single rooms are the same.

All are very nice.

Yes, I think I'd like
something a bit higher up.

I need quiet, you see, I shall be working.

Working?

Yes, typing.

Oh, you are writing a film, perhaps.

Many writers of films
have stayed at this hotel.

I personally have--

I'm not writing a film, I'm doing a book.

What on, if I may ask?

Crime, international crime.

Ah, the mafia.

There are other criminals.

I'd like the quietest room you've got.

Nothing on the top floor?

We are very full, sir, very full indeed.

The only room I can offer you

on the top floor would be 603.

Yes, it's quite pleasant.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

I apologize if I've disturbed you.

I'm from room 603.

I happened to be passing

and saw this glove outside your door,

and it's such a nice glove,

I thought the owner might
be sorry to lose it.

I see I've obviously made a mistake.

It's a man's glove.

Ridiculous, isn't it.

Have you got a sleeping pill?

Have you got a sleeping pill?

I heard you the first time.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I drank some vodka, walked all over Rome.

Didn't get home until five in the morning.

He left me, you see.

Yesterday afternoon at 4:00.

4:00 in the afternoon, just like that.

I haven't talked to anyone since.

You're English.

Something rather comforting

about a certain sort of Englishman.

Have you got a sleeping pill?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Do what?

Have a sleeping pill.

Sleep, or I'll go out of my mind.

Who left you yesterday?

He was a prince.

A prince?

14 weeks ago, he asked
me to dance with him.

We've been dancing ever since.

Until 4:00 yesterday afternoon

when the clock struck 12, is that it?

You can take this in a little water,

I'll fix it for you.

He must've said he
loved me a thousand times.

He had a hundred different
ways of saying it too.

You're lucky.

You had 14 weeks.

Most people get nothing at all.

Here you are.

Take this.

My name's Lena.

I'm from Buenos Aires.

I came to Europe to
round off my education.

Skol.

Skol.

After Rome, I'm going to Paris,

Venice, Cannes, Madrid, London, Istanbul,

and then bye bye to the Old World.

And now?

Home will never be the same.

I think you should press
on with your itinerary.

Flowers every morning.

Crazy cards, cables.

Toys.

And my ring.

Handsome isn't it?

It's very handsome, yes.

Are you here for a vacation?

Business mixed with a little pleasure.

You've been very understanding,

and very nice to me.

Something reassuring about you.

Is London reassuring?

Some of the smaller
places are more reassuring.

Cambridge is quite.

You know what?

How relaxing.

I really do have confidence in you.

That's a very strong pill I gave you.

This is Bill Ellis,
reporting on Robin Garwood.

I can now state categorically

that Garwood's death was not an accident.

If you put a message
in the personal column

of the newspaper, Il Globo,

message to read: Wolf contact Carl,

you will be approached by--

Hmm.

This is room 603.

Would you get me the
Rome office of Il Globo?

Yes, yes, yes the newspaper.

Thank you.

Garwood's death was not an accident.

If you put a message
in the personal column

of the newspaper, Il Globo,

message to read: Wolf contact Carl,

you will be approached by--

I'll take it.

Il Globo?
I'd like to put a message

in your personal column please.

Reply box number, message
to read: Wolf contact Carl.

Boo.

I was out for 24 hours.

Out cold.

I've been trying to find you all day,

I wanted to say thank you.

What would you like?

My special, please.

The lady's special, please?

I have walnuts for you today.

How are you, Lena? Va bene?

Va, bene.

You're obviously a favorite around here.

Oh yes, we came here a lot.

You're hoping to bump
into your prince again?

No, no, no chance.

He's in Milan right now.

No, I came to bury the ghost.

Like going up in a plane
immediately after a crash.

Or getting back on a
horse after it's thrown you.

I think probably yours
is the better simile.

Skol.
-Skol.

What's so special about
your martini special,

is it 4/5 of gin?

Oh no, it's 5/5, and you're nice.

Skol.

You were sweet to give me that pill

and put me to bed.

I remember I didn't
behave too well, I guess.

Always.

I was awful about the glove.

Do you accept apologies?

Sometimes I demand satisfaction.

Swords or pistols.

I let my opponent choose the weapon.

You're funny.

See, you make me laugh.

Oh, I haven't laughed in a billion years.

Do you know, I don't even know your name.

Yorick.

Have a nut.

Thank you.

I don't remember too much
about the day your rescued me.

Did you say you were working here?

You know, you're perfectly right,

these go perfectly well with martinis.

Business with pleasure, see, I remembered.

Yes, you remembered.

Business with pleasure.

Have you decided to
press on with your tour,

or are you going back home?

No, no, I haven't decided yet.

And you're avoiding my
question, aren't you?

What question?

What is your business here in Rome?

I could say funny business, but I won't.

Well perhaps that's it,

perhaps you came here
just to make me laugh.

That's a charming thought, Lena.

But you really came to--

Research a book.

I thought you might be a writer.

Does something show?

Yes, I can see it in your eyes.

You think all the time.

Now what's the book to be?

Crime, international criminal--

Capone, Luciano, all those boys?

Yes, all those boys.

I'm fascinated,

I would like to ask
you a lot of questions.

What are you doing this evening?

Trying to make you laugh?

Ah.

For tomorrow never comes.

Does it?

Would you excuse me a minute?

I'll be right back.

There is a message

for Carl.

Will Carl go into the
Piazza dei Cinquecento,

where he will find his friend Wolf

waiting for him in a black Mercedes.

Let's get down to business

right away, Carl.

Sit inside.

This is a hot car,

so you won't wanna hang around.

Now the fee for disposal is
$20,000 American dollars,

all cash. You pay half
before and half after,

can you meet that?

Um, yes, yes, I can meet that.

Fine.

Now who's for disposal?

When do you want the job done?

And where will it be?

Well?

His name is Clive Harris.

He's staying at the Michelangelo Hotel.

He'll be there for the
next eight or ten days.

And I'd like him disposed
of as quickly as possible.

It'll be done as soon as
we've had the first payment.

How do I get the money to you?

We'll send instructions

to your box number at the newspaper.

They want $10,000 right away.

Excuse me, I'll call you back.

$10,000, what's going on?

Yes, Ellis was killed by some

murder incorporated type organization

operating here in Rome.

I've just commissioned them to murder me.

Commissioned them to murder you?

Well, Clive Harris, which
amounts to the same thing.

That's why I want the $10,000,

they won't go ahead without an advance.

What are you saying? Are you drunk or mad?

No, neither.

Somewhere along the line,

I'm going to meet with
an arm of this octopus.

When I do, it will lead me to a head.

When I find that, I shall cut it off.

$10,000.

That's just the deposit.

Morning, Mr. Harris.

Three this afternoon.

Hand ticket in at left luggage termini.

Bring commodity in small case.

Yorick?

Yorick?

Are you there?

Yorick!

Yorick!

Yorick.

My name is not Yorick, it's Clive Harris,

are you following me?

Yes, but you said your name was Yorick.

That's a joke.

To make me laugh.

Yes, to make, now, are you following me?

Yes, I know it's silly, but uh--

But what?

You're not going away, are you?

Not that I know of, no.

I'm just meeting somebody
here, that's all.

A woman?

It isn't any of my business.

It's just that when I knocked
on your door this afternoon,

I knew you were there,
but you didn't answer,

and I thought perhaps you might not

want to see me anymore.

Sounds awful, doesn't it?

No, not at all.

And as you say, I was in,

and I did try to avoid you because I've--

Because what?

Well I've got this appointment,

and it's very important.

Oh, once I'd started
talking, I'd never stop,

and you'd be late.

Something like that, yes.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

But you're really not leaving Rome?

No.

Promise?

Promise.

Look, why don't we meet at 6:00

in the American Bar for an aperitif, hmm?

All right.

You're not in any kind
of trouble, are you Clive?

Why do you say that?

I don't know, I'm pretty
strong in intuition, I guess.

You're intuition is
leading you astray, Lena.

I'm not in any kind of trouble,

and I'm not going away, all right?

If you say so.

Well, I can see you're itching to go.

The American Bar at 6:00.

At 6:00, yes.

You do really mean that,

because if you don't want
to see me, I don't mind.

I do want to see you, at 6:00,

in the American Bar.

Au revoir.

Au revoir, Clive Harris.

Shh.

Molto Grazie, Signor.

You're late, Carl.

But it's good to see you've got the case.

This is one-way, so just
follow our instructions.

There's a bench by the magazine stand.

Go and sit there, and someone will come

and relieve you of that case.

We'll keep in touch with you,

so leave the set switched on.

I'm sorry, this is someone's seat.

Musica, eh?

Thank you.

No.

Carl?

The man you want is now
standing at the news stand.

You'll see he's wearing
a soft hat and a rain coat.

He will approach you and take the case.

Don't worry, Carl.

We have the money safe.

You can keep the radio.

Well Carl, we hope you're
impressed by our efficiency.

By midnight tonight, your
contract will be completed.

What I intend to do now,

is stick around the hotel until midnight

and give them every
opportunity to kill me.

In this way, I hope to
catch the little fish

that will lead to the big one.

I've informed Emmerson at the embassy,

and he's keeping his fingers crossed.

And so, incidentally, am I--

Come in, it's not locked.

Ah, it's you, Lena.

Oh, what's the matter with you?

It's just, nothing serious.

I'm afraid I won't be able to take you

for that aperitif this evening.

Oh, what's the matter?

Migraine.

Oh no, that's terrible.

I don't get them very often,

but when I do, they're really blinding.

The only thing to do is to lie down

and hope it'll,

what are you doing?

Just loosening your necktie,

you don't want any pressure
around your neck, do you?

Have you taken anything for it?

Yeah, a couple of aspirins.

I'll get you something, something special.

I know all about migraines,
I get them regularly.

I know all about migraines,
I get them regularly.

And these pills work, they really do.

Oh, really, really, you
shouldn't go to all that trouble.

I promise you, I'll be perfectly
all right in the morning.

No trouble.

You helped me when I was down, didn't you?

That was quite
a different thing, honestly.

Shh, please don't talk.

All right.

This really is most kind of you.

There, that's better?

Much better.

Oh, the window.

Window?

Light.

The less light the better.

For somebody who gets migraines,

you certainly don't know
how to treat it do you?

Lena, I can't tell you how--

Please don't talk.

Now I'm going to the Ristorante
dal Bolognese for dinner,

but I won't be until about 9:00 or so.

So if by some miracle
you should feel better,

well, I'll be on my own.

Try the cold veal cutlet
and the tartare sauce.

That's already my favorite dish.

Take it easy now.

I will Lena.

I'll take it very easy.

Almost 4:00 and all is well, I think.

Whisky, no ice please.

Signor Harris?

Yes.

I hesitate to interrupt your privacy,

but I might have a subject

which would be of much interest to you.

I'm Ernesto Raniere.

Yes.

Castelli told me of your interest.

Castelli?

Castelli is the desk clerk here.

He told me you are much
interested in crime,

and that you are preparing a study

for a book on international criminals.

And?

If you are engaged upon such a thing,

a talk with me would be profitable,

of this I'm sure.

Can you tell me why?

I knew Lucky.

I knew Frank.

I knew the brothers
Zucchi, Pietro, and Luigi.

I knew also Van Vitalli, Tribolo, Vasoldo.

I know the whole history
of the Beirut syndicate,

and the way it works through
the mafia here in Italy,

and through the Corsicans
in Marseilles, Paris,

and the United States.

I know so much, you cannot possibly afford

to overlook me in these matters.

And how do you come to know so much?

I should not speak of such
matters in such a place,

but I tell you that once,
I was one of those men.

But very small. Very small!

Then I was fortunate.

Someone who watches
over the fates of others

put a winning lottery ticket in my hand.

Five million lira. This I take as a sign.

I turned away from my life.

I put my back to the past.

I have never turned around,

even now, when much of my money is spent.

But, can you afford not to speak with me?

It seems impossible not to speak with you.

Then you would care to come with me?

Come with you?

Yes.

I have a place not very far from here,

in the Via Barbarini.

But if you wish not to be overheard,

why can't we talk in my room?

Ah, I would not feel so at ease there.

Why not?

Oh come, I have interesting
things to show you.

Souvenirs, photographs, also antiques,

some of them valuable.

At my place, there are ivory chessmen

made for the Czar of Russia.

With them is a board of inlaid ivory.

Did the Czar make you a present of it?

No, no, I purchased
it from a French juggler

who was without money in Naples.

I have a musical box which
plays 12 different compositions,

including your national
anthem, Rule Britannia.

How do you like this king?

He's 12 centimeters high.

See how he is carved?

He was hand carved.

Never did you see such a pretty piece.

But, hold him in your hand, feel it.

Mm-hmm.

You can tell it was made
for a Czar, can't you?

It is so impressive.

These knights are particularly pretty.

Would you like this one?

I should like to hear
about your dope running days.

Dope?

I said nothing of this.

The Beirut syndicate you said,

or did I not hear correctly?

Oh yes, but there were other things.

Pimping, perhaps?

That painting behind you

was painted by Nicolo del Abati.

Was it?

Am I wasting your time, Ernesto,

or are you wasting mine?

All right.

You tell me where to begin,
and I'll begin.

But first, will you take a drink?

Not now, thank you.

But forgive me, I must take one myself.

Ah, I told you, didn't I,

that I have souvenirs,

things of interest from those days.

In here, I have something.

This is the Baretta that
killed Sandros Trote.

I also used it, but that was
a long while ago, of course.

You know, the joy of this thing is,

it makes so little noise,
even without the silencer.

What are you doing?

What are you imagining,
that I was threatening you?

I imagined that you were going to kill me.

Kill you?

That's what I said.

With a pistol without shells?

What would you do if I said

I was going to pull the trigger?

I would laugh at you,
and tell you to go ahead.

I apologize.

Signor Harris, this is not
good behavior, you know.

If you knew the true circumstances,

you would not find it too
difficult to understand.

You mean that you expect

someone you do not know to kill you?

Hourly.

This little figure.

Do you want to sell it?

It's silver.

Will that cover it?

I should tell you that
it's not worth as much money.

Tell me, do you know
of any killing syndicate

operating here in Italy?

Killing syndicate?

Sort of a murder incorporated.

And if I say yes?

Are these the people who are pursuing you?

So you do know of such a syndicate?

I've heard rumors, yes.

Do the rumors mention any names?

No.

I know their name.

Maybe I'm the only one outside who does.

Who is it?

No, already, I've talked too much.

If I give a name it'd be like

jumping out of an airplane
without a parachute.

Not if your name never passes my lips.

You would not be able
to do anything about it.

Leave that to me.

It would sit on my
conscience if you were killed.

You have a truthful face, I think.

You are a good man.

Of this I am sure.

I will take your word that
you will not mention my name.

I will tell you, but,

there is nothing you will
be able to do about him.

It is Enzo Bandone.

Bandone?

Does he live here in Rome?

I don't know.

I know nothing more.

Nothing at all.

Are you sure?

I know nothing.

Well, I'd better be on my way.

Buona fortuna, Signor Harris.

You will need it.

Thank you.

Good evening, sir.

Good evening, I'd like a room.

Yes, sir.

High, I like a nice view.

I'm afraid we have only one room vacant

on the top floor, Sir. Number 611.

That'll do fine.

Thank you, sir.

Yes.

Enzo Bandone has no criminal record.

Nothing at all?

That goes for Interpol too.

Um, try and find out if
he's living here in Rome.

Excuse, I thought you would be to dinner.

Is it convenient to change the towels

and draw the curtains?

Yes.

Yes, it's convenient.

Grazie, Signor.

Where is the chambermaid this evening?

She has gone to Tivoli to see
her sick mother,

or so she tells me.

What do you think the truth is?

The truth?

Ah, no mother could be so
sick all that time.

No, I happen to know
she go to the Parioli district

to see her lover.

A very wealthy man.

Que bella.

Now there is a girl who was once

the most beautiful in all of Rome.

Now she sits every evening

outside the bar Vittorio
drinking martinis.

They serve big martinis at Vittorio's.

Do you know this woman?

They say she was once a film star,

though no one has ever
seen her on the screen.

They also say men have
killed themselves for her.

Do you think this is possible, Signor?

Where is this legendary lady?

The table next to the fat American.

Oh yes, I see the fat American,

but not the lady.

Oh, Clive, you startled me.

I just wanted to check
you were sleeping peacefully

before I went to dinner.

I'm glad to report the
migraine has lifted now.

Bon appetito, Signor.

Just a minute.

What's your name?

Carlo.

Carlo what?

Carlo Rossi.

I wonder if the manager
of the Michelangelo

knows that he has a Carlo Rossi--

Clive, let him go, you'll kill him!

Clive!

Out of the way.

Clive!

What did you do that for?

I thought you were gonna kill him.

I wasn't gonna kill him,

I was only gonna break his neck.

Why did you interfere?

I thought you must be off your head,

attacking a hotel servant.

I'm not off my head now,

and I wasn't off my head
when I attacked him.

Now you're angry with me.

Have you got a cigarette?

Yes.

I was only concerned about you,

that's all, your migraine.

What migraine?

No, thank you very much.

Oh, my migraine's gone now, it's lifted.

Clive, what's going on?

Nothing, nothing's going
on at all, it's perfect.

What's the matter with you.

Nothing.

Sit down.

Will you do me a favor?

Unreservedly, even if
you are angry with me.

Forget this whole
thing ever happened, hmm?

For me?

Bribery?

No, it's a peace offering.

Oh, why, he's so lovely.

It's a clown.

Where did you get him?

Uh, earlier on this evening, I got him.

Were you thinking of me?

I'll tell you later.

Yes.

Yes, speaking, just a moment.

Anyway.

Oh.

Just a minute.
-Thank you.

Thank you anyway.
-It's fine.

Yes.

Harris.

My bag.

Excuse me a minute, yes.

Your bag.

Bye bye.

Don't forget your key.

No, I won't, thank you.

Harris, what's going on
there, what's the matter?

What?

Nothing, nothing, nothing's
the matter, nothing.

Well.

I've unearthed an Enzo Bandone for you,

but he's a very respectable citizen,

and he's also 80 years old.

80?

Yes, here are the facts,
if you're still interested.

He emigrated to the United States in 1912.

Returned to Italy in '59,

presumably because he
wants to end his days here.

Good evening.

Does Signor Bandone live here?

Si, Si.

I'd like to see him.

Signor Bandone has retired to his bed,

and it's very late, sir.

Oh, yes, well will you be kind enough

to give him that for me?

Tell him it's very
important, something urgent.

I will not be
in favor with Signor Bandone.

It is important, you say?

Very important.

Tell him the name is Clive Harris.

Si, signor.

You wait here.

Right.

Signor Harris, Signor Bandone.

Have you just driven out from Rome?

Yes.

Well you'll be needing a drink.

Come with me.

You know, when I was a young man,

I didn't need any sleep at all.

Every night it was 4:00 or 5:00

before I would close my eyes.

But now,

well now I get tired.

And I need my rest.

But I can't sleep.

I'm sorry to disturb you, Signor.

No, no, you surprised me, that is all.

What will you drink?

Have you any brandy?

I have everything.

Will you help yourself?

It's in the Murano decanter.

I can't indulge in it myself.

It won't stay down.

Decay, that's what that is.

Decay.

Did you spend a lot of time in America?

Yes, I emigrated there in 1912,

and I returned in '59.

Is that a lot of time?

47 years.

Typical success story.

I started off as a laborer in
a New Jersey chemical company,

and ended--

A millionaire?

A millionaire.

Sit down, sir.

Thank you.

Tell me, do you live in London?

Part of the time, yes.

Have you ever been to Lords?

House of Lords?

No, no, no, no.

The place where they play cricket.

Cricket?

Yes.

I often felt I'd like to go there.

In America I saw a film about cricket.

Have you been to Lords?

Cricket's too slow for me.

That's strange.

One doesn't expect to hear
an Englishman say that.

This cricket, it can go
on for days, can't it?

Yes. These days it usually ends in a draw.

You mean, there is no winner?

No winner, no loser, very boring.

Like the lives of most people, in fact.

Is that the story of
your life, Signor Bandone?

No, no, I was a baseball fan.

I followed most sports,

but I look for a winner.

Winner!

You still do?

Why did you come here?

You know why.

Wolf contact Carl.

What is that supposed to mean?

If you don't know what it means,

why did you leave your bedroom?

Why didn't you send me away?

Well, shall we say
I'm a very curious man, Mr. Harris.

Who hired your organization
to kill Garwood and Ellis?

What are you talking about?

Accidental deaths by arrangement

is what I'm talking about.

You're playing games with me, Mr. Harris.

An eccentric Englishman,
playing games with an old man.

Do you smoke a small cigar?

Yes.

I have these specially made for me.

It's my one indulgence.

As I told you, drink makes me sick.

I can no longer digest my food.

So there isn't much left, is there?

The excitement of games, perhaps?

Yes, that is true.

For example, at this moment.

My heartbeat is definitely stronger.

Why did you arrange to
have yourself killed?

So that I could find you.

Then why were you so
stupid as to come here?

Are you suggesting I'll
meet with an accident?

Well it's almost inevitable, isn't it?

And how will the victim
be disposed of this time?

I may say that your last
man failed miserably.

Very unimaginative of you,

using the same technique twice.

Technique is not important

so long as it is not traced.

Tell me,

shall I be found, perhaps,

washed up on a beach somewhere?

Perhaps.

Signor Bandone, before
we get down to the games,

who hired you to kill Garwood and Ellis?

Clients are of no interest to us.

We just carry out their instructions.

But you do know, you know who hired you.

You said you are a curious man.

So am I.

I will tell you,

if you will say who gave you my name.

Stalemate.

Maybe we can persuade you.

But shouldn't my death be accidental,

isn't that your policy?

Why you've survived

for so long

with security? They leave no trace.

That's it, isn't it?

I'd hardly look like a victim of the sea

with one of these things through my heart.

Nothing so banal.

Since you took the trouble to seek me out,

I will accord you the
courtesy of special treatment.

Masan here, is master of his art.

The little pieces of
you that are left over

will make succulent eating
for the crabs off the coast.

Quite charming.

To date, I have had
only a vicarious pleasure

from the liquidation of our clients.

But now, I can savor it for myself.

You're looking younger already.

Masan.

Do it slowly.

Spariacci!

Emmerson?

Yes, is that you, Harris?

Yes, John here.

Are you all right?

Uh,

yes, yes, I'm fine.

I'm at Bandone's.

What's happened there?

Heart attack.

Heart attack, who?

Bandone.

Oh, Clive.

Lena.

I believe we're fellow
passengers, aren't we?

Is that so?

You couldn't take these for me, could you?

Oh yes.

I decided to take your advice

and finish my itinerary.

That's very wise.

I'm starting in London.

Really?

Yes.

That's all right.

Is that it?

Yes.

Oh, nothing else, thank you.

Your passport, sir.

Thank you.

I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Come on, we'll be late!

Very much, indeed, thank you.