Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 9 - Our Stuff Gets Real - full transcript

- What the hell is that?
- It's our child's crib.

It looks like a trap. Are you trying
to catch someone else's baby?

J.D., we don't have time for one
of your ridiculous little fantasies here.

- Seriously, I'll beat you up.
- Oh, sorry.

Okay, we gotta fix this tonight

because tomorrow night's
birthing class,

and Wednesday night
is pregnancy sex.

I'm really starting
to enjoy that birthing class.

All the grunting
and heavy breathing, and...

- You were the only one doing that.
- I was trying to get something going.

Wait, what is that walkie-talkie?
I told you to get a baby monitor.



Oh, this? Better than a baby monitor.

- It's long distance.
- Where's the other one?

Jade Cobra. Come in, Jade Cobra.

We've been compromised,
Panther Claw.

What else did your baby get
that we could play with?

Uh, just give him
30 cc's of medicine. Stat.

It's a little hospital issue
I'm dealing with.

Ben was our cadaver.

I'd met him on my first day
of medical school.

He was alive then. And we connected.

- You look like you could use a grape.
- Thanks, Ben.

So with Ben,
I was the leader of our group.

Drew, isolate the tendon
of the brachialis,

and, Cole, though I've
almost reconciled



the fact that you are both my boyfriend

and probably the human being
I respect least on earth,

- you know, besides myself...
- We did it twice this morning.

Nobody has ever cared about
anything you've ever said, ever.

That's it,
don't even come by my room later.

- Really?
- No.

Attention, class. That's awesome!

Can we do that again, please?
For me, please?

Just, everybody, act busy. Act busy.

Eyes up, don't disrespect me!

Yeah, that's right.

There will be a quiz next class
on the structure of the heart.

Each member of your team
will have to dissect a chamber.

Daddy said if I get my GPA up,
I get a Jet Ski.

Me, not caring.
Thought I was clear on that.

Anyway, my friend Ben will
propel our group to the top of the class.

I'm so moved, I wanna put
those feelings into words.

Dr. Turk, I can't wait to slice up
this old bastard's ticker.

Perfect.

Elliot and I had missed
our last few pregnancy sex nights.

Tonight, I was ready.

Loose limbs make limber lovers.
Loose limbs make limber lovers.

I'm so sorry, I was stuck at work,

and then on my way home,
I got a craving for Cambodian food.

J.D., they have a salad that's all beef!

There's not a fricking
green thing in this.

But let's get this party started.
I am totally ready to get dirty with you.

I don't know if you saw some
of the rose petals, but...

- Mmm. This is so good.
- Over here.

- And then...
- Go through here.

Wait, okay.

Let's just avoid the breast region.

They're big, but they are not
for touching, too sore.

And let's just avoid the thighs.
They sort of are like memory foam,

they leave a hand print. And I have
the elbows of a 75-year-old black man.

Honey, you look beautiful.

I'm sorry, sweetie, I just don't
feel super-romantic right now.

Do you think it's okay
if we skip tonight?

Sure.

This? This was all here
when I got home.

I promise you, after the baby comes,

things are gonna go back
to normal, okay?

- Make sure you chew.
- Mmm. I'm good.

I'll get your hair out of your way for you.

- Want a bite, sweetie? It's so good.
- No, thank you.

- I've already had diarrhea today.
- Mmm.

- Well, I've not pooped in a week.
- Ah!

So, yes, J.D. And I are not
having sex right now, but it's fine.

I put it right into my schedule
for after the baby's born.

What is that, a sex Trapper Keeper?

Oh, I wish. No, it's my post-pregnancy
action plan. See?

By week three,
I'll have lost all the baby weight.

Weeks four and five I'll be deep
into my post-partum depression,

where I'll spend most of my time crying
and then regaining the baby weight.

And then something
will snap me out of it,

probably a sunrise or a hilarious e-card,

and then by week six,
we are back to nasty town.

- Let's walk in silence, maybe.
- Yes.

Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Foster.
How are you feeling?

Oh, he won't stop complaining.

- I've got lymphoma.
- Well, I've got multiple myeloma.

You two, come on, now.
Nobody wins at cancer.

That's like double what you got.

I like to start every day
with an exercise in futility,

and to that end, Johnny Legacy,
ulcerative colitis...

Perry!

It's behind me, isn't it?

With every couple, there's
the hard-ass and then the sweet one.

Come here. I can't deal with this year's
clump of ugly nerds eyeballing me.

Hot biscuits, Cox is the sweet one?

You know that bag of bones
my sister Danni married?

- He died. She got nothing.
- Burt died?

You're not listening. Danni got nothing.

You need to do your will
so I can get all your stuff. Chop-chop.

Ma'am, if you need any help
through this difficult time, I'm here.

- You're that Aaronson kid.
- Mmm-hmm.

I remember your mom
when she was wearing tube tops,

giving it away to any guy
that would buy her a free steak.

- She's so classy.
- Oh, dear God, I love you.

I love you.

So, let me get this straight.

You and Elliot aren't having sex
till after the baby's born?

Yes.

But who are you gonna
have sex with, then?

Oh. She's gonna watch
while you do other chicks.

No, no, Todd, neither one of us
is going to be having sex.

- L-gotta-take-a-walk-five.
- He's not taking it well.

All the baby books say we'll be back to
our normal sex life in about six weeks.

J.D., those baby books
are filled with lies.

You don't know. It's crazy.

You're gonna be changing diapers
covered in spit-up.

All right? You're not gonna have sex
for a long, long, long, long time.

- No "Hide the Penny"?
- No.

- No "Me Girl, You Boy"?
- No.

- No "Dirty Zulu Warrior"?
- No.

And that one's racist.

Well, I'm sure there'll
still be cuddling, right?

Turk, I'm a man, I have needs.
Please say there'll be cuddling.

- She'll have the baby to cuddle with.
- That little bastard.

Turk freaked me out
about what would happen

with Elliot after the baby came,

so I turned to my mentor.

Dorian, I do not need to hear

the pathetic slap-and-tickle
of your soon-to-be-vanished sex life.

I just feel like I'm racing
against the clock,

like Harrison Ford
in some kind of Harrison Ford movie.

Talking pregnancy sex?

Yep. Nothing like a girl
with a little junk in the front.

What are you,
some kind of pervy ninja?

Oh, thanks, man. Appreesh.
Hey, you know what you should do?

- Take your shorty on a babymoon.
- What's a babymoon?

It's like a romantic trip couples take
before their baby's born.

That's not what I pictured.

Breast-milk mojitos.

You've had a few too many.

Those babies are way too close
to the water.

You know,
I haven't bagged a preggers yet,

but I bet it's like having sex
with a waterbed.

The baby bump actually has
the tension of an exercise ball.

I was a doula in Madrid for two years.

Oh, Drew, so cool.
Been to Europe.

Hey, just babymoon it, dude.

All right, but don't play any jazz
while you're having sex

'cause I read on the Web
that it will make the baby gay.

Jazz makes babies gay,
ladies and gentlemen.

Jazz makes babies gay! Future doctor!

You know, Drew,

- we haven't really connected yet.
- No.

Is that because by sleeping with Cole
I've invalidated myself as a person?

- Pretty much.
- I get that.

So, you ready for the big
heart dissection tomorrow?

Totally.

Plus, my dad sent a care package
of smoked meats from home,

so I thought afterwards,

maybe you, me, and Cole could go
to the park and have a sausage picnic.

Mmm.

- Okay, that sounded weird.
- You know what else is weird,

is that you've been supervising
our group so much lately,

and you're doing it well, really.

- Yeah. Drew, I'm with someone.
- Not where I was going.

I was just gonna say that
you haven't done

any cutting of our cadaver yet. Hmm.

I know, I'm psyched to get in there.

Hells, yeah. My woman's gonna go all
Edward Scissorhands on his ass.

I'm making a hedge.

Is he, like, really good in bed
or something?

- He'd have to be, right?
- I'd hope so, for your sake.

Hello.

My wife is making me do a will,

so I'm going to need one of you
to act as my confidant,

that I can talk at but not listen to.

Well played, Mr. Suffin.

Dr. Mahoney, it looks like
you're going to be my sounding board.

- Congratulations.
- Have fun.

You're dead to me.

So, Jordan is after my stuff,

but there is no way that succubus
is gonna get my recliner after I die.

It is the one chair I sit in
when I watch TV

and yell at sports figures
and reality stars.

Fine. Right before you kick it,

stick a dead bird
underneath the cushion.

That'll get ripe real fast.

Then you can sit back
and watch the whole show from hell.

Mahoney, you are a promising young
doctor, you are.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Foster.
We did everything we could.

- Can I have a moment to say goodbye?
- Of course.

They were married 47 years.

Jordan and I have been together
for almost 30.

Yeah, but life expectancy
for people your age is excellent.

You know, unless you're
a type-A workaholic in a high-stress job

- with, like, a lot of built-up anger.
- Enough.

You're not crying, are you?

I was joking at first,

but I'm just having
a pregnancy moment here. I just...

I'm just really gonna miss you
when you're gone.

I snuck into the lab to get ready
for tomorrow's exam.

Med students are told to keep
a cadaver's face covered

so it doesn't feel too personal,
but Ben didn't like it.

Oh, it's stuffy under there.

- Sorry about that. How you doing?
- Not too shabby.

You know, I haven't cut you at all yet,
but I'm gonna get in there tomorrow.

Lucy, we're friends.
It would be an honor.

Oh, Ben, that's so sweet.

What are you doing here?
Were you talking to your cadaver?

Uh, yeah. I thought I heard
that you were supposed to talk to it.

Like a plant, so that it'll,
you know, grow.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh.

I saw the light on 'cause, you know,
I was over in my office working.

'Cause I work at night, you know.

I counted to 50.

Ready or not, here I come.

You didn't see me, all right?
I wasn't here.

- You'll do great tomorrow.
- Thanks, Ben.

Hello, wife-face.

Your shift is over
and I'm taking you on a babymoon.

What?
What are you talking about?

A babymoon is a vacation
you and your loved one take

right before your baby comes
out of your special area.

And the resort I found is amazing.

They have horseback riding
and jet-skiing.

Is there also a punching-each-other-
in-the-stomach contest?

'Cause that's another thing
that I can't do.

Well, we could have hotel sex.
You like that.

We could do girl hair with our towels.

We can turn the temperature all
the way down to 50

and then crank it back up to 80.

We'll be like gods
controlling the weather.

- Shall we go?
- Yeah, let's go.

Sometimes something small can
represent something much bigger.

Whether it's a pen
that represents your mortality...

Jordan, I can't sign a will right now.
As usual, please don't call me back.

A suitcase that mocks
your one last gasp of coupledom...

Wait, what are we doing?
J.D., this is ridiculous.

We can't go on a babymoon right now.

There's nine thousand things
to do before the baby comes.

We don't have time for this.

Or a tiny exam that's
a whopping 25% of your final grade.

All right, Lucy Bennett, you're up.

Let's see if you can bring it home
for the team.

Time to shine. Here I come, Ben.

Please don't cut me. It's not right.

I'm sorry, Dr. Turk, I can't do this.

We have to do the babymoon.

Turk said that once the kid's born,
our lives are gonna change forever.

Yeah, Turk also said that Knight Rider
was a documentary.

It's based on fact, Elliot.
Everybody knows that.

Plus, once the kid's born,
you're gonna be obsessed.

You probably already picked out

what she's gonna wear
on her first day of school.

So? That decision brands you forever.

I still have night terrors
about my first day of high school.

I wore this suede fringe outfit because
of that movie Can't Buy Me Love.

Oh, J.D., it's the most amazing film.

Fade in, Patrick Dempsey,
a fresh-faced nerd...

Elliot, do you think there's a
Patrick Dempsey movie I haven't seen?

J.D., I know that some couples

don't make time for each other
as new parents,

but we're not gonna be like that.
We're different.

Are you sure?

Because we also said
we were gonna be different

and not fight the first year of marriage.

You did the laundry and you put my
work socks beside my gym socks,

and they were touching in the drawer.

I mean, that's disgusting.
I had to throw them out.

Okay, I don't have time for this.

Lucy, you screwed us.
We're being graded as a team.

Ben's not just a grade to me.
He's a person.

Hey, this is bigger than you or him.
This is about a Jet Ski, yo.

Cole, silence or punching.
You know our deal.

This is Ben's heart we're talking about.

It's where he stores
his feelings and memories.

Ladies and gentlemen, apparently,
the heart stores memories.

Future doctors!

Lucy, you have got to cut.

The Jet Ski is the motorcycle
of the sea!

Pain is how we learn.

Hey, guys.

I want you to meet me in the O.R.
In an hour.

Do I still have to hang out with you
as your confidant,

even though there's not
a chance in hell

you're gonna listen to anything I say?

Yes.

You know, just because one of those
old married people croaked

doesn't mean you
or Jordan are gonna die.

I shouldn't have brought the will
to the hospital. It was a rookie mistake.

I mean, around here,
you just can't let your work

and your personal life overlap.

Yeah. That was always
Ally McBeal's problem, too.

It's so hard being a working woman
in the mid-'90s.

That's it. You're out as confidant.
I'd rather have Dorian, for God's sake.

- Fine. I'm gonna tell him you said that.
- No! No! No!

I'm so glad you chose me
to confide in, Perry.

Denise caught me up to speed.

By the by,
I've got some lady problems, too.

You do realize that by saying
something like that to me,

you're just continuing
the never-ending cycle of abuse.

I don't do it on purpose.

I do. I love the attention.

So, I explained to Elliot

that we have to make more time
for each other before the baby comes,

- and she won't listen to me.
- Dorian, you're a fool.

Why do you have
to be that way, Perry?

More, please.

A wife cannot hear logic
from her husband.

It must come from someone else,
a friend, a stranger, Oprah.

If Barbie will not listen
to what's good for her,

then you just gotta make it happen.

You're good.
I love confiding with you, Perry.

Let's do more later.

Call you.

Wow, somebody is really dehydrated.

Let me tell you about my friend, Jake.

Jake and I have played in a weekly
basketball game for about seven years.

Our kids go
to the same school together.

He's really important to me.
And this is him, right here.

Your minds are blown

So, why are we going to be looking
into your friend's guts?

For Lucy.

Look, I know Ben's real to you.

But your patients are always
gonna be real.

And the truth is,
there are gonna be many a times

where you're gonna have to hurt them
in order to help them.

Like I'm doing with my friend here.

I'll let you re-take the test again tonight.

- You ready?
- Do blue crabs whistle?

They do when you boil them alive.

Yes, Dr. Turk. I won't let you down.

- I'm gonna go study now.
- Okay.

- So this guy's a friend of yours, huh?
- No, I've never met him.

This is just some dude
with appendicitis.

And he blows your mind again

Ooh, again

Scalpel.

How are you doing, Mr. Foster?
I'm so sorry about Penny.

You know, you always think you're
gonna have just a little more time.

Yeah, I guess you do.

You know, he's right about
the whole running-out-of-time thing.

I guess.
But having a baby's not like dying.

It's... It's exactly like dying.

We have Sam on the weekends,
we know how to handle it.

Yeah, but step-kids aren't the same.
They're a rental.

You gotta take mildly good care
of them,

return them with a full tank of gas
and not too many dents.

I'll tell you what, there, Barbie,

I'm gonna go ahead and give you
my own version

of something your husband told you,

but you couldn't hear
because you're married to him.

After that baby comes,
nothing goes back to normal.

Time doesn't slow down.
It only gets faster.

And then 20 years later
you find yourself signing a will

and realizing that you didn't
spend nearly enough time

with the one person
you care most about.

- God, I wish J.D. Had said that.
- Ah, don't blame yourself.

I can't understand him, either.
Sounds like a bag of cats.

J.D., I got your page.
Look, before you say anything,

I wanted to tell you I was wrong.
I'm sorry.

Look, you know this is what I do
before big, life-changing events.

I get way inside my own head
and freak out.

Like, three weeks before
med school started,

I got way into shoplifting
and watching anime pornography.

I mean, I'm talking
some weird-ass cartoons, man.

Anyway, I love you,

and I'm sorry
that I wasn't able to hear you

and I didn't mean to ruin the babymoon.

You didn't.

Panther Claw, the Walrus has landed.

Roger that. We're set for go.

Oh, my God, J.D.

I figured if you couldn't
go to the babymoon,

I'd bring the babymoon to you.

- You did all this by yourself?
- Well, I had a little help.

Denise brought some
non-alcoholic beer.

Yeah, I got it for this dude I'm railing.
He used to be an alkie.

Probably not an appropriate time
to bring all that up, but there it is.

Thank you.

And I brought some
sensual body chocolate.

Oh.

What's the situation
with those big old "D's"?

Got any milk yet?

- He should go.
- Get the hell out of here.

- Shall we?
- We shall.

We all have points in life
when things get painfully real.

- You ready?
- Yep.

Ben, I haven't even touched you yet.

You're doing a great job.

When thinking about the end
makes you re-evaluate the now.

There, I just signed your ridiculous will.

But before I give it to you,
I'd like you to make me a promise

that just you and I can go away
this weekend. No kids.

The no-kids thing
is not really a big deal

'cause I don't see them
that much, anyway.

But it would be really nice
to get away from the nannies.

- Your will.
- Thank you.

I'd like to propose a toast.

To our deaths,

may they be untimely and inconvenient
for all our loved ones.

- So sweet.
- I love you.

I guess you're just lucky
if you have someone

who'll go along for the ride with you.

- I can't believe we're having a baby.
- I know. It's pretty amazing, huh?

This is pretty awesome, though, right?
I mean, this is as good as hotel sex.

You know,
there is a HoJo's down the street.

Thin walls, scratchy towels,
sketchy types out front.

- What do you say?
- Motel sex?

Ooh.

It'll be like I'm a senator
and you're a tobacco lobbyist.

We should arrive separately.

Or you're a bored housewife,

and I'm a strapping drifter looking
for a warm meal and some comfort.

J.D., come here.

All my cutting problems over,
no more talking cadavers for me.

There's nothing to be scared of.

Dr. D, what are you doing here?

I'm playing hide-and-seek with Turk!
Don't tell him I'm here.

Close me up! Close me up!

Hey, if J.D. Sees me, I wasn't here.
Close me up! Close me up!

He's never going to find me.