Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 8 - Our Couples - full transcript

Lucy struggles to acknowledge that she likes Cole, Dr. Cox and Dr. Turk's rivalry is put aside for a gravely ill patient, and Denise plays a prank on the security guards at the hospital.

Man, I never noticed
what a beautiful smile you have.

- Thank you.
- That's probably just 'cause

I'm mostly focused
on how small your cans are.

Okay, this is why I don't like
you talking during foreplay.

I didn't know
we were about to get nasty.

Why do you think none of my horses
are watching?

I truly dig how nuts you are.

Oh, hey, can I borrow your laptop

to do those endocrine system slides
for our study group?

- What's wrong with yours?
- It's super-slow right now

'cause I'm downloading
every Golden Girls episode.

Man, those old chicks are insane.
All right, there was this one episode...

While I was pretending to listen,
I thought about how

everyone at the hospital
seems to be coupling up.

There was Drew and Denise.

They were still
in their puppy-love stage.

Drew, if I wanted to be
with a girl, I could.

Save all the emotional crap
for your diary.

Then there was
our dysfunctional mom and dad.

- How you holding up?
- Fine.

- You?
- All good.

There's no way in hell you're beating
me at Hands on a Coma Patient.

- So, take your hands off. Quit.
- I don't quit.

I don't quit more.

Oh, no, it's his grandson.

- What are you doing to my grandpa?
- Nice try. That's Dr. Etten's kid.

Hey, you. Next time try dialing down
the acting a notch. Less is more.

Go on. Get out of here. Fake grandson?
That is some weak sauce.

Let me show you how the big boys play.

- What the hell, Todd?
- Well, I had no choice.

He found a picture
of Adult Braces Todd.

I can't let that get out there.

And the winning streak continues!
Yes, sir!

Thank you for your help, Mr. Sawyer.

As a token of my appreciation,
I'm gonna come back later

and smother you with a pillow.

Listen up, losers.

I'm tired of repeating the same
procedure to you guys over and over.

I want two sugars, one cream,
and only a splash,

and I mean a splash, of hazelnut, okay?
Now get out of here.

You are a wonderful teacher.

- I'm getting better, right?
- Mmm-hmm.

Sorry we's late.

Well, not we. We are not a we.

I mean, I know, yes,
we're both late, but we're not, like,

coming from the same place
or anything, right, Cole?

I'm gonna go crush a scone.

She told me you two
were sleeping together.

Denise, that was girl talk.

You have broken a sacred bond
between sisters.

Oh, no. Now I'm not gonna get
to wear the Traveling Pants this week.

Look, I know that you've got

confidence-slash-horse issues,

but Cole? Really?

He's only a booty call. I just...
I can't stop.

It's like having a scab you know
you're not supposed to pick at,

but you just can't help it,
'cause you have to know

what's under that pus-y, filled mess.

Call me crazy,
but I think you kids might just make it.

You think?

- No.
- No.

- That was fun.
- Torturing her?

Yeah. We should do more things
like that, you know, as a couple.

Yeah, this makes sense.

I know I do not see you in my cart.

Oh, your cart was in the way,
so she was just gonna move it for you.

You can't just touch
a man's work equipment all willy-nilly.

Do you see me trying
to perform a tracheotomy

just because I did security
for the TV show ER?

He and Eriq La Salle
still go to the same church.

You know,
the last guy who mouthed off to me

has to permanently sit down
when he urinates.

Joke's on you. I do that already.

Bottom line, touch the cart again
and you're going down.

Don't know who she thinks she is.
It's the Captain's cart.

- This could be fun.
- Yeah. I'm happy for us.

Now then, students,
our next patient is suffering

from a horrible disease
known as Being-Dr. -Cox's-Bitch-itis.

You may ask yourself,
how does one catch such a disease?

Well, you do so by losing a bet again
and again and again and again.

And again and again,

until eventually the disease
renders you helpless

to say only the following phrase.

Dr. Coxy's hella foxy.

When I play, I play for keeps.
Bank on it.

Our presentation is at 7:00 a.m.

Cole's supposed to do all the slides.
Lucy, where the hell is he?

Why are you asking me?

Maybe he's napping,
maybe he's training to be a pastry chef.

I don't know what his dreams are, Drew.

This is why I skipped junior high.

I'm sick of Cole.
He's always running late.

And I'm tired of him asking me
to hook him up with Russell Crowe.

Yeah, and he's always making light
of my family

for coming to this country on a boat.

Trang, your dad owns, like,
eight Hometown Buffets. Get over it.

- What up, nerds?
- Cole, did you bring the slides?

Oh, snap. No, no. Look.

I was just about to start,
then my boy Boots called

and he was all like, "Yo, Cole,
it's Boots. Let's go to SeaWorld."

Dudes, I got to swim with a walrus!

You know what, Cole? That's it.
You're out of study group.

What? Hey, are they actually
pissed about this?


Even though Cole had been
kicked out of the study group,

he seemed to be doing okay.

Too much work. And I might have
to study on the weekend.

That ain't right.

Hey, ballpark peanuts?
You know something I don't know?

I know a minimum of nine million things
you don't know.

Number 63, Art's back.

- Who's Art?
- Who's Art?

This is Art.


Art's been slinging peanuts
at the ballpark for 40 years.

He is a concessionary legend.
You should all bow down.

I'm serious. Bow down. Now get out.

All right,
who wants a key to a golf cart?

It's right out front.
All juiced up, ready to go.

You can travel in style,

like an old couple
cruising the sad folks' home.

- Hey, how many keys did you make?
- Mmm, just a couple.

Oh, nice. How did they not see us
stealing their cart?

Frank, that cloud look like a cupcake.
And that one look like a chilidog.

Man, I hate being on a diet.

Look at that one.
It looks like a turkey leg.

- Oh, a big turkey leg.
- And a pie. A lemon pie.

Lemon meringue pie.

I will take a key, thank you very much.

I would never willingly
give you anything

that was not some sort of fatal virus.

Whoa! Did you see that?

I'm starting to get a vibe
that Drew doesn't like me or something.

Oh, no. That's how friends make jokes.

No, trust me,
I'm great at reading people.

Hey, that's why you gotta ask him about
letting me back in the study group.

Or we could let him come to us.

Then we'll be in a position of power.
You know, like, "Your move, Drew."

No, come on, please. He listens to you.

Hey, you're smart and nice
and you smell like the beach.

- Okay, I'll do it.
- Yeah, and not like the kind of beach

with dead fish and homeless dudes
camping and that weird foamy stuff...

- Yeah, I got it.
- Yeah.

Look at you guys.
Chief of Medicine, Chief of Surgery.

It must be nice
to have risen up with each other, huh?

To work with someone
that's got your back.

- There's not that much of that.
- Well, we get awfully busy

with some of the doctoring
around here.

I tell you what there, Art.

Before we do take a look
at that shoulder,

we've been having just a ton
of good, clean fun

with one thing in particular.
Dr. Turk, do you have anything to add?

I don't think it's particularly appropriate
to discuss this in front of a patient.

Approprio maximus.

Dr. Coxy's hella foxy.

I so am!

I bought a candle to set the mood.
Work with me, it's all they had.

Hey. What did Drew say
about me rejoining the study group?

- He said no.
- Really?

Hey, did you remind him
I'm one-eighteenth American Indian?

- Are you?
- I don't know,

but I always tell people that.
Makes the white man feel guilty.

Damn, this sucks. I'm dying on my own.

Yeah, and I'm sad for you,

but we don't want to let this candle
go to waste.

Oh, babe, I'm not in the mood.

A trick candle?
I mean, who finds these funny?

Do it again. Do it. Yeah.

Once we get the CT back
on Arthur's rotator cuff,

it's gonna show the best way
for me to handle it is surgically.

You would say that,
you slice-happy knife jockey.

Here's actually what's going to happen.

We're going to heal him
through medication and PT.

Right, physical therapy.
The miracle of stretching.

It sure beats cutting Arthur open
like he's a pig at a luau.

- Why do you always have to be right?
- I don't have to. I just am.

Let's handle this like men.

First one to Winston Hall
gets to decide how we treat him.

You're on. And go.

Oh, yeah!

There she is.

You stole our cart.

Now come correct
about what you've done.

Don't make me bring the thunder.

'Cause once it's been brought,
it cannot be unbrought.

Do you think maybe your cart wasn't
stolen? Maybe it just left on its own?

What in the name of Larry Holmes
are you talking about?

We've seen the way you treat that cart.
There are patterns of abuse there.

- Yeah, I mean, the kicking, the insults.
- Skipping maintenance checks.

Don't forget
where your bread's buttered, Frank.

Clearly, the cart is reacting
to an injustice,

trying to correct an imbalance
in the universe.

- Cart-ma.
- That's the stupidest thing

- I've ever heard.
- Is it?

What the hell?

You know, the "check engine" light's
been on since May.

Just saying.


Heads up, geezers! Oh, for God's sake!

- I'm gonna win!
- Oh, no, no, no!

No! No! No!

You know,
it's almost gotten to the point

where I don't enjoy
beating you anymore.

That's not true. I love it. Right, fellas?

Hey, guys, what's up?
You out here scoping the ladies?

I hear Rebecca B. Has sex
with multiple partners. What?

- That's how guys talk, right?
- Not at all.

Actually, we were just talking
about how you told Cole

that I said he couldn't get back
into study group,

but you never asked me that.

- I didn't?
- Nope.

And since the only thing I hate more
than entitled little pukes

who don't pull their own weight
is when people put words in my mouth,

- Cole, you're back in study group.
- Hells yeah, the boys are back.


By punishing her, I punish myself.
Such is life.

What the hell, Luce?

Sometimes there are no words.

We quietly do what we can.

And hopefully no one comes along
and says what we don't want to hear.


- Whose tumor is that?
- Art's.

- That sucks.
- Yeah.

- How're you holding up, Art?
- I've been better.

Dr. Cox tells me
there's a surgical option.

I'm interested in that.

Okay. Okay, just give me a second
to talk to Dr. Cox, all right?

What are you doing?
This surgery is risky for a patient

half Arthur's age, and healthier.

Listen to me.
This could buy him some time.

If we don't do it, he's dead
in six months. It's worth a shot.

It's too risky. I'm right, you're wrong,
and I'm not doing it.

No. I'm right and you're wrong,
and you damn sure are doing it

- because I am your boss.
- You're pulling rank on me?

- I am. Now, if you would please say it.
- No, I'm too pissed off!

- Those aren't the rules.
- Dr. Coxy's hella foxy.

Good effort. Do well in surgery.

Okay, hopefully all that stuff with
Cole and Drew has just blown over

and we can all get back to normal.

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.

If you want to be in this study group,
you gotta show up on time,

'cause you're letting us all down.
Right, Drew?

Dude, I'm just trying to learn
about mucus.

Can we finally talk about the fact that
you and Cole are sleeping together?

Thank you, T-Bone,
I would love to talk about that.

No, "T-Bone," I don't think study group
is the proper place

to be discussing who slept with who.

Trang slept with me.
Never called me back.

Stuff came up.

Crazy idea. How about we just study
in study group?

No can do.
I gotta take a walk to clear my head,

maybe grab a Fruit Roll-Up,
I don't even know right now.

Drew, why would you tell everyone
about me and Cole?

There has never been anything
in the entire world

I care less about,
except maybe this moment.

- And American Idol.
- Cole told us.

He's been bragging about it
for a month.

- What?
- We are never going to learn anything

about medicine.

You okay? I just got your message.

I'm fine.

You said you were attacked.

Oh, yeah. That was a lie.
Look at these two.

They're totally falling apart,
turning on each other.

Okay, I think it's time
to wrap this operation up.

I need you to go find out
who has the cart.

- You said you were stabbed.
- How come you never get my jokes?

- Now go. Chop-chop.
- You said you were stabbed.

We're losing him.
Art, hang in there, buddy.

Start the neosynephrine drip.
Somebody call Cardiology.

Don't say anything. Please.

I don't think I have to.
You'll beat yourself up.

Damn, girl, you can't just jump
in front of golf carts.

- That's how gardeners die.
- Why are you such an ass?

You think it's so cool
just to brag to everybody

about how you slept with me?
Do you know how embarrassing that is?

Oh, you know what's embarrassing?
That you're ashamed to be with me.

Maybe I am. Cole, you call my butt
nicknames in public.

- What are you talking about?
- Boomtown, Lenny and the Fart Zone.

Plus, you abbreviate everything.

Newsflash, PB&J
is already abbreviated.

You don't need to call it
Peebers and Jazz.

Oh, like you're so great?

Okay, you're wishy-washy,
you're obsessed with horses,

and there's that weird role-play
where you make me pretend I'm black.

Is this coming from Cole or Deshaun?

Both. Look, I know
what people think of me,

and I know I act like an ass sometimes,
but I thought you saw through that.

Okay? And I didn't brag
about sleeping with you to seem cool.

I did it because I'm proud
that a girl like you

would want to be
with someone like me.


Out of here.

Yeah, you're done.

- Haven't found your cart yet, huh?
- Nope.

The school assigned us scooters.

I don't have the core muscles
to ride that bitch.

Well, maybe if you just apologize
to the cart, it'll come back.

I'm not apologizing to no cart.

What would it hurt, Captain?
The truth is out there.

Fine, Frank. I'll apologize.

I'm sorry, cart. I'm sorry I scuff you up,
I'm sorry I take you for granted,

but if you come back,
I promise I'll treat you better.


Hallelujah! I'm gonna take these.

I feel a lot closer to you.

Me, too, but I need to keep this
messing-with-people vibe going, so...

Hey, annoying girl.
My fault. Too general.

Blondie. Girl blondie.
Why do you look so sad?

- It's this thing with me and Cole.
- Don't tell me, tell Drew.

- He's a great listener.
- Why?

If you saw your face, you'd understand.

Have fun.

Drew, I'm really sorry I lied
about the study group.

It's just this thing with Cole
is messing with my head.

I know he's a tool,
but then how come I feel so horrible?

Because you're a needy,
sad, crazy person

who constantly makes bad decisions?

Just my first thought.
I'm still working out the rest.

Lucy, can I ask you a few questions
about your douchey boyfriend?

Does he ever say sweet stuff to you?

Man, I never noticed
what a beautiful smile you have.

- Yeah, kind of.
- And when you guys hang out, is it fun?

Does he make you laugh?


Think about Cole right now.
How does it make you feel?

- You're smiling.
- Oh, crap.

- I like him.
- Yes, you do. You like him.

- You like him, you crazy white girl.
- But it's Cole.

And as sad as that may be for you,
this hospital is so brutal

that if you actually find someone
that can help you get through it,

you're lucky.

Because here, everyone needs
someone to watch their back.

Right, Dr. Turk?

- Absolutely.
- Right.

- I don't like Cole.
- Yes, you do.

- Damn it.
- I feel for you.

Came to get your licks in, huh? I get it.
I damn sure deserve it.

- You may fire at will.
- Actually, I came to say thank you.

You showed a lot of stones
in making that hard call for Art.

It was the right choice.
I was just scared to take it.

It cost him his life.
We stole six months from that guy.

You and I both know that he would
have spent most of that time

in this hospital, just waiting to die.

You pushed me to give him a chance.
You had my back on this one,

and I want you to know that you can
always count on me to have yours.

I appreciate you saying that.

Now I know exactly what it feels like
to be in a Morgan Freeman movie.

Hey, come here.

To Art.

- Cole, can I talk to you?
- Out in public like this?

Don't be crazy. There's people around.

Excuse me for a second, everybody.
I just have something I want to say.

This is Cole Aaronson,
and yes, he's a bit of a jerk,

and yes, he's probably screwed over
every one of you,

and yes, he loves Dane Cook,
but none of that matters to me.

Because I know it just started out
as a hook-up.

I've realized
that I actually really like him.

And so, if it's cool with him, I'd like
to introduce you all to my boyfriend.

Nice speech. Nobody cares.

Some couples just work,

no matter how odd
a pairing they seem to be.

The common denominator
is being there for each other.

Technically I was right about Arthur,

so I'm gonna need you
to give me what's mine.

- Let me hear it.
- Fine.

But it's just because
I'm a man of honor.

Ladies and gentlemen, toot-toot tootie,

Dr. Turk's a cutie.

Yes, I am.

In the end, you just
can't be afraid to move forward.

You're my number-one shorty, yo.

Yeah, that actually leads perfectly
into what I wanted to talk to you about.

- All ears, boo.
- See, now that we're officially a couple,

we're gonna have to start, well,
changing you. Okay, boo?

Wait, what now?

Man, this is so hard. How am I
supposed to remember all this?

While you're my boyfriend,
please refrain from using

the following words and phrases.
Crushing "it,"

ghostriding the whip,
hunting the big dawg, redonkulous,

wrangle dangle, shtoops,
the donk show, gittin' right,

homeskillet, Broseph, Brosephine
and sexting.

On the serious?

There's another one.
Also, substituting your name for words

that sort of sound like your name.
Stone Cole, Cole War,

Pina Cole-lada...
You know what I'm saying.

Girl, I can't give this all up
Cole turkey!

Why don't we just call it a day
and we'll start fresh in the morning?