Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 6 - Our New Girl-Bro - full transcript

I've finally figured out the key

to getting everything done
at medical school.

Do a bunch of things at once
and never sleep.

Hey, Dad. Don't have a lot of time
for our daily update, but here goes.

School's hard, dorm's gross,
not really dating,

but I am having
my "lady needs" tended to

by a handsome young stallion.

Wow, just remembered
who I'm talking to.

Sorry, Dad, but since it's out there,
hot damn.

I am in the middle of a
real sexual awakening right now. Hmm?

Yeah, that's about enough for me
today, too. Talk to you tomorrow.



Baby, what's up? It's 5:30.

I have nine thousand things to do.
Go back to sleep.

Girl, once you wake up the troops,
you gotta storm the beach.

You know what?
You are actually on my to-do list.

Yeah.

The iliohypogastric and ilioinguinal
nerves innervate the groin region.

God, I'm great at study-walking.

Oh, good. Dr. Turk.

I scanned those slides for your lung
lecture and I e-mailed them to you.

- Did you get a chance to check them?
- He's gone, Lucy.

He's gone.

Yesterday was Dr. Dorian's last day.

Dr. Turk was taking it pretty hard.

He done gone to Zion.



What?

Hey, Turk.
Okay, this is why pregnancy sucks.

Your stupid name took my head
right to "turkey,"

because I have been craving the hell
out of Thanksgiving food all week.

This morning I actually pounded

a jar of cranberry sauce
and some dry stuffing.

It was like a holiday,
only much, much sadder.

You want to talk about sad?

I spent the whole morning moping
around 'cause J.D. Wasn't here.

- Took me about an hour to get out of it.
- Oh, he said to say he misses you.

- He did?
- Yeah.

It's okay, it's okay.

He reacted the same way
when he got your muffin basket.

Look, Turk, I know that you're hurting,

but you're gonna find someone else
here to ride the eagle with.

Elliot, you don't ride the eagle.
You eagle.

You choose toe or thumb.
You join Fight Club with Pillows.

You and J.D. Had a pillow-fight club?

First rule of Pillow Fight Club,
you don't talk...

- Yeah, I get it.
- No, I don't think you do.

Elliot. Elliot, please don't say anything.

Hey, Turkleton.
I know what it's like to lose a friend.

I lost my good buddy Steve
back in Korea.

- Sir, that was a horrible war.
- Yes, it was,

but I'm talking about a family trip
we took to the '88 Olympics.

I suggested a wife-swap to Steve,
and things got pretty weird.

Yes, it was an amazing night,

but was it worth it
to lose a good friend over?

Probably.

Great effort in the sack last night.

Just remember, when I say,
"I hate you, don't touch me,"

- it's not about you, it's about all men.
- Cool.

- Crap, I'm gonna be late for class.
- Drew, wait.

There's something I have to tell you.
I'm late, too.

- You missed your...
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I'm kidding.
Your face looks so dumb right now.

- Why would you do that to me?
- I'm bored.

You're lucky I vibe on crazy.

- I hate you, don't touch me.
- Fair enough.

Now then, today we will be looking
at patients with pancreatic disorders.

- Hey, Drew. Glad you could make it.
- Sorry I'm late.

You should be sorry,
as I'm giving all of you murderers

the honor of shadowing me today.

There is no penalty forthcoming,
however, as it is an optional exercise.

Optional? Hey, man, I gotta cruise.

- Bunch of crap to do. You cool here?
- No, just a second. You're leaving?

Well, what the heck
am I supposed to do?

How will the hospital
get by, for God's sake?

Shut it down. Everyone, shut it down.
It's over. Stop saving lives.

Man, you crack me up.

But for reals, I gotta split.

I met this old cat upstairs
who's got really painful glaucoma.

Translation, crazy-ass
government product.

Yo, we'll probably hang
out, maybe watch some Benson reruns.

Know what I'm saying?
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

Number One, remind me again
why I can't kill him.

- His daddy built the hospital.
- Fair enough.

All of you remain where you are
for a moment.

I'm going to punch through a wall.

Maureen, I e-mailed you your
bachelorette pictures this morning.

I would have put them
in the regular mail,

but I think we could get arrested.

Okay, class,
I want to thank Miss Bennett

for her help on this presentation.

- Thank you. Thanks.
- Not really a stand-and-wave moment.

Here we go.

What do you mean,
they're not the bachelorette photos?

All right, people, we'll start with
advanced mesothelioma of the lung.

- Now, that's not a lung.
- Dr. Turk, please...

No, Lucy, I think this could be
what we call a teachable moment.

Next up should be pulmonary fibrosis.

That ain't pulmonary fibrosis.

That's a woman nibbling
on some panties.

Looks like the night
took a dark turn, people.

Let's see what's next.
Oh, she's back! Back in action!

You can't do stuff like that to strangers,
woman. It's not right!

- I know. I'm sorry.
- He's a human being, Lucy.

He got nine bucks, okay?
I made it rain. Move on.

You all right?

It was a rough surgery.
I don't think the guy's gonna make it.

- That stinks.
- Yeah.

This is when I really miss J.D.,
you know?

At work. He'd see me like this
and then try and pick me up,

and then I'd point to that doctor
over there and I'd say,

"Who does that look like to you?"
And he'd say...

Who?

A Japanese Laura Dern.
How do you not see that?

I can't believe
you get to see J.D. Naked.

- That was weird.
- It's okay. That's okay, Turk.

I can do this with you.

See that nurse over there?
She looks like a Mexican Carrie Scott.

- Who?
- Childhood friend.

Yeah, she joined a cult
and disappeared when she was 16.

Oh, my God, that could actually be her
if she got really tan.

Carrie? Carrie Scott?

Nope, not her. Police are right.
She's probably dead.

- What were we talking about?
- I don't remember.

This morning was such a disaster.

Maybe my problem is
that I've been trying to do too much.

I've decided to do
some optional shadowing of Dr. Cox

to get my mind off it.

- Dr. Cox, may I ask you a question?
- Do you see that shadow over there?

Do you see how it's just quietly
standing against the wall

not asking inane questions

that make me crave the sweet taste
of a hollow-point bullet?

That's you. A dumb, quiet shadow.

- Act like it.
- You know why you should ignore him?

Let's just forget for a second that you
sprained your wrist punching a wall.

- I can explain that. I hate someone.
- Miss Simmons' platelets are low,

so I don't really think
heparin's a good idea.

I'd never met Dr. Reid,
but she seemed incredible.

She went toe-to-toe with Dr. Cox.

Yeah, but the bottom line is,
I admitted her, so she's mine.

- Fair enough. She's yours.
- Thank you.

Hmm.

She was amazing
with her patients.

You're gonna be just fine, Kate.
We'll get the blood work back

and then run a simple test
called a bronchoscopy.

She was a loving wife.

J.D., what's wrong? Yes, sweetie.
Turk misses you, too.

What? I don't... He's wearing scrubs.

His green ones.

And she did it all
while being pregnant.

Can you hand me that bedpan?
Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Much better. Take that.

Who are you? And why are you
following me around and staring at me?

I'm Lucy. I'm a med student.

Be cool, Lucy. Be cool.

And I just have to say,
you have the spirit of a noble warrior,

which is not to say
that you're not incredibly feminine,

because clearly you are.

I mean, you're, like,
stupid fricking pregnant,

but also, so skinny.

I mean, come on, you're like a snake
that ate a tiny horse.

My point is,
I'd like to get to know you better.

- Oh, so, you're crazy.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's cool. I'm Dr. Elliot Reid.
See you later.

Who's got food? Mama needs a refill.
I'm dying here.

All right, class, we're looking
for evidence of disease or abnormality.

Hey, Dr. T, I heard one time
they opened up a dude's stomach

and there was a finger inside of it.

I mean, think about it. You're in a lab,
you're a little buzzed, everything's cool,

then all of a sudden
your dead guy's flipping you the bird.

With another dude's finger!
I mean, what?

Denise, could you please handle this?
I've had a really bad day.

I'd love to.

So, you and me,
we're gonna have a stupid jar.

Every time you say something stupid,
we're gonna put a nickel in that jar,

and when that jar gets nice and full,

we're gonna take it
and beat you with it, okay?

Dude, how much fun
is she in the sack?

More scary than fun.
Look, Cole, you gotta dial it down a bit.

The school newspaper's
coming out next week

and they're publishing class rankings.

I thought you were already number one.

That's just with Dr. Cox.

These are the real rankings,
and everything counts.

Grades, participation, grunt work.
Everyone sees it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Huh.

Hey, it's all good. I don't mind
if people know my rank, okay?

It's like going to the gym.

When you blast it as hard as I do,
you want people to notice.

- How much you think I bench?
- I don't know, like...

I don't bench. I do high-intensity reps.
I'm toned as balls.

What's with the lame writing on
your ass? Is that, like, a surgeon thing?

No, it's for pork-chop day.
An old tradition for me and J.D.

We made special pants.
His said "PORK" on the back.

That's actually why he had
that little sexual-harassment thingy.

There's only one left, do you mind?

No, that's all you.
I don't even like pork chops.

- Hey, look, there's J.D.
- Where?

- Where? Did he wear his pants?
- Sucker. I lied. I love them.

You're a pork-chop Keyser Soze.

- Can you believe that?
- Oh, I do. The chops are awesome.

I pounded down 11 of them already,
gristle and all, and I'm a vegetarian,

- but the baby, carnivore.
- Hey, Turk.

Mmm.

It's like Christmas morning.

You want to help me get her back?
This is what we do.

We fill her car up with pork chops,
and when she opens the door,

the pork chops will slide
all over the place,

and she'll have to dig a little seat.

I'm talking about
a major inconvenience.

Okay, you're losing it.

We need to get you a new work buddy,
like, today.

Until then, you gotta just chillax,
my brother.

Okay, I cannot pull off "my brother,"
can I?

- No.
- At least I nailed "chillax."

No, you didn't.

Dr. Reid, you're so inspiring.

Oh, stop. Go on.

You're totally the kind of doctor
I want to be when I get super-old.

Compliment took
a bit of a left turn there.

I just don't think you realize
how awesome it is for me

to see a woman actually doing it,
you know?

You're a great doctor
and you've got your life together.

You're handling both.
Me, I've got nine texts this minute.

My boyfriend needs me,
my dad wants his daily phone call,

my sister Maureen is freaking out
about her bachelorette party.

She has to have sex with her fiance
for the first time

in case the stripper got her pregnant.
Long story.

Oh, sure, sure.

Plus, with all the studying
and the schoolwork...

Lucy, you can do it.
You just need to learn how to prioritize.

Uh-oh. I've been so emotional lately,

and I just pictured you as my little sister
and I'm starting to lose it.

Quick, say something to remind me
how crazy you are.

Um...

I ran out of underwear today,
so I wore my bathing suit.

Huh. Thanks. All better.

Hey, so you and me
got off on the wrong foot.

Nobody's fault.

I mean, you put two alpha dogs
in a cage

and there's bound to be
some barking, right?

- Yes, yes. We are exactly alike, indeed.
- See, you get it.

Anyway, I just want to talk
about my ranking

- before the newsletter comes out.
- Spoiler alert. You're last.

Hey, Dr. Cox, please.

If my dad reads I'm at the bottom,
he might lose it and cut me off.

Okay, I know
I don't act like it sometimes,

but I really do want to be a doctor.

Son, that is the first honest thing
you've ever said to me.

Yeah, you know what it's like
to have a miserable judgmental bastard

- for a dad?
- No, my father was so super-sweet

that my entire childhood was an
endless parade of lollipops and hugs.

Of course I do.

Look, I can't just move you up
in the rankings based on nothing.

So for the next week,
if I need something done,

- I'll go to you. We'll call it "extra-credit."
- Great.

In fact, go to Bed 12.

There's a very, very large
sick man there

who needs an alcohol bath
all over his entire body.

Thank you for the opportunity.

So, did he buy the whole
newsletter-rankings nonsense?

Like an elderly shut-in
talking to a telemarketer.

- Outstanding.
- It is.

Thank you for meeting me.

So, basically,
I'm looking for a work friend.

Someone to pal around with
at the hospital.

I am so ready to take this relationship
to the next level.

You know, mentally,
physically and emotionally.

I'm sorry. Did you just say "physically"?

Weird-five. Get there.

If you were on a desert island,
what three CDs would you bring?

Motorhead, Metallica, and the
original cast recording of Wicked.

I stage-managed the Midwestern leg
of the '05 tour.

And yes,
Kristin Chenoweth is a delight.

Why am I here, again?

- How's the food?
- This soup is amazing.

Shut up, Frank.

We are lucky enough to dine
with an educated physician,

and you order soup?

I'm sorry, Dr. Turk. I'll send him back
for a sandwich, something more fitting.

Talking about soup.

How you doing, Kate?

I'm a little nervous.
Is a bronchoscopy gonna hurt?

There'll be
a little discomfort afterwards,

but you'll be under for the procedure,

and the whole thing will be over
in an hour.

- And you'll be here when I wake up?
- Yeah, of course.

Isn't she the best?

I think we're all searching
for something.

Sometimes it's a replacement
for the irreplaceable...

Look, Gandhi,
if you expect me to go all the way,

you gotta step up your game
a little bit here, pal.

Maybe take me out to a nice dinner,
introduce me to some of your friends.

You're not taking this seriously,
are you?

Not even a little. And not just because

I want nothing to do
with Dorian's sloppy seconds.

Work sucks.

You, however, have been lucky enough
to have worked

with your very best friend
for eight years.

That will never, ever happen again.

Other times, it's just a
hard-to-reach spot on a fat guy's back.

- Oh, no.
- Dude, a little help.

- Oh, isn't it terrible?
- Awful.

Hmm.

So, Miss Simmons is gonna wake up
in a while.

Can I hang out with you
while you sit with her?

Lucky for me,
I found what I was looking for.

Please! I'm going home.

And she was a lying, selfish jerk.

Morning, sunshine. You look rested.

Wow, and making time
for the paper, too. That must be nice.

- Later, you munch.
- Did she just call me a buttmunch?

Well, she didn't use the word "butt,"

though I can't think
of any other prominent type of munch,

so yeah,
I think she called you a buttmunch.

I'm Drew, by the way.

So, I said to the lady,

"Where can a well-hung marine
buy a pair of shoes around here?"

Don't even know what that is.

- Turkleton, those days are gone.
- Dr. Kelso, really?

Please tell me you're not another one
of Dr. Turk's gentleman suitors.

I am indeed.

I think it will be great
to have a black friend

to help me out with the sisters.
Get my swirl on.

That's what I'm talking about. Mmm.

Holy crap. That totally looks
like a Korean Helen Hunt.

No, that's a Japanese Laura Dern.

No, it's not.
I'm gonna get my picture with her.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? Well...

Well, tell her I said I loved her
in Japanese Jurassic Park.

Hey. You came here with me.
Why are you talking to her?

- No, I'm still here with you!
- What the hell am I doing?

I always end up
in relationships like this.

For once,
get out with some dignity, Bob.

Don't ever call me again.

No, it's okay.

Hey, crazy swimsuit girl.
What are you doing?

Volunteering at physical therapy.
I'm stretching Mr. Biegel's hamstring.

Stop. He'll be fine.

- How do you know?
- He works in the gift shop.

- You get what you can get.
- Please leave.

- That baby isn't mine, is he?
- Get out, Kevin.

Question. When you
called me "Munch,"

were you referring to Richard Belzer's
beloved detective character

first established on Homicide,

but best known
SVU?

Crime procedurals soothe the baby.

Luckily, there is a different one on
every nine seconds.

You walked out on Miss Simmons
when she needed you.

I had to stay with her all night.

- She freaked out.
- She did?

Can I get you anything?

Yeah, it got real in there.
Big time.

Plus, I got no sleep,
and I had so much to do this morning

I had to do my dad phone call
while having sex with my boyfriend.

So many things wrong with that,

not the least of which is the fact that
it's the most turned on I've ever been.

- No filter, huh?
- Nope.

Lucy, there was a hospital full
of residents and nurses here last night.

If there was a problem
with Miss Simmons,

- I would have been called.
- Stop making excuses.

You know,
I thought you could do everything,

but I guess it just seems that way,

because you half-ass it
with your patients.

Come with me.

Hey, Dr. Cox. I just finished cleaning
that guy's foot ulcer.

- How'd that go for you?
- Not gonna lie. I yakked on his face.

Otherwise, crushed it.
What else can I do?

Actually, Drew here was about
to assist me with something.

Yeah, yeah. No, I got it.
What's the job?

- Sorry, Charlie. This is my deal.
- No, you know what, Drew?

Cole's been really stepping up,
showing some promise.

I'm gonna let him do this one. Room 32.

I want you to do
a manual rectal disimpactation.

Mr. Hanson is very constipated.
You will fix that.

With your hands.

Oh, lucky.

Yay!

- "Sorry, Charlie"?
- I thought I was brilliant.

Mr. Valdez is gonna need
another surgery, huh?

Yep.

I don't think
he's gonna be able to take it.

That totally sucks.

Um...

If you want,
today is Eileen in Radiology's birthday

and I was gonna go up there
and just steal her cake.

I hate Eileen in Radiology.

I'm definitely in. She's so nice
it makes me want to cut her throat.

I know, right?

I was thinking, after that,
maybe we could stop on three

and then I'd show you the nurse
that looks like...

- Looks like a Nigerian Kelly Ripa?
- Thank you!

Lucy, Miss Simmons needs
a new IV placed.

What say you take a shot at it?

Yeah, I, um...

Hands are a little shaky there.

I'm jacked up on 17 cups of coffee
because I haven't slept a lot lately,

and my head is sweating.
But I'll be fine.

Don't you think
you should disinfect the area?

Good catch, Kate.
What do you think, Lucy?

Should we wipe away
all the deadly bacteria,

or just do this Civil War style?

- I really shouldn't be doing this.
- No, you shouldn't.

One second.

Once again, a giant swing and a miss
for Lucy Bennett.

What's wrong with me?

Lucy, when I got pregnant,
I learned two things.

Ketchup on cereal is delicious,
and sometimes you have to be selfish.

That's why I went home last night.

I mean, finally I have something inside
me forcing me to take care of myself.

See, I'm like you.
I probably ended up in medicine

because I want to try
to take care of the whole world.

But here's the crazy thing
about being a doctor.

You can't even take care
of one single patient

unless you learn
how to take care of yourself first.

So tell your dad
you can't talk every day,

have your boyfriend grab a cold shower
every once in a while,

stop doing slides for Dr. Turk

and let your sister
mess up her own life.

That's the key to being a good doctor.
You first, then the world.

Now go home and get some sleep.

I guess there are lots of ways
to get by in a hospital.

You can try to just suck it up,

Or find someone to make
the day-to-day hell bearable.

- Mmm.
- Mmm. Get the middle.

For me, it was just about
learning who comes first.

Aw, schtupes!

Old King Cole is in the house!

Hey, did everybody see the newsletter?
Check it out.

Number one, Aaronson comma Cole.

Isn't that just an alphabetized list
of all the students in our class?

Yep.

- You gonna tell him?
- I haven't decided.

Oh, too bad, Bennett comma Lucy.
What happened, Suffin?

You're, like, two-thirds of the way
down this thing. That is rough.

I don't know. But congratulations.

Yup, old Double-"A" Aaronson
nailed it again.

You suck, Zimmerman!