Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 5 - Our Mysteries - full transcript

JD spends his final day as a teacher trying to find out who gave him a negative review, Lucy looks for a "blood buddy," and Dr. Cox tries to convince Denise that Drew has taken charge of their relationship.

Dr. D, I can't believe
you're actually leaving us.

You were, like,
the greatest teacher ever.

Oh, Lucy.

But you'll always carry a piece of me
with you. I'll be here and I'll be here.

My stomach?

Well, I would have touched your heart,
but I did that to another female student

and it resulted in me having to watch
a four-hour video called Boundaries.

So, teacher evaluations are due,

and I am going to use gold stars
and pony stickers for yours.

Lucy, that's sweet,
but I don't care

about those silly evaluations.

Yes. Lucy's in the bag.

But while I went out of my way
to connect with these kids,

Dr. Cox had a different approach.

All right, then,
you gaggle of mini-murderers,

I'm going to make these evaluations
very easy for you.

Here are some adjectives
that describe my teaching style.

"Abusive," "humiliating," "tyrannical"
and "buttery."

Why "buttery"?
Because I don't care what you write.

Moving on. It is time for your
final practical exam of the quarter,

learning how to draw blood
from an actual human being.

Sadly, most of you will pass,

but there are one or two of you
out there who will botch this miserably,

proving once and for all
that you don't belong here.

And, my God,
it's like it's Christmas Eve

and one of you is just a big box
of failure waiting to be unwrapped.

I want to open you,
I want to open you so bad, but no,

I'm gonna wait, because the waiting
makes it so much sweeter.

I'll see you tomorrow.

"Your stupidity is so intense
it's burning me in the face."

Oh, Dr. Cox is on a tear today.
I bet you five bucks this kid cries.

No, he's not a crier.

He's the kind of guy who eats
to make the sad go away.

Is it wrong that so much of what bonds
us is sex and other people's pain?

Don't forget our hatred of art.

Yeah, art's the worst. Here he comes.

I win. But I actually cheated.
I had inside info.

I slept with that dude
during my fatty phase.

Powerful stuff, huh?

Six weeks ago,
I wrote one word on the board.

"Medicine." So, what's the definition?

Well, if you believe the silly dictionary,
it says that it's

"the science of health maintenance
and the prevention of disease."

Snore. I think we're all dictionaries.

We all edit the user-generated
encyclopedias of our hearts.

Those balloons were supposed to fall
at the end of my speech.

Okay. In front of you
are teacher evaluations.

Be honest.

I'm trying to mold your minds,
not win some sort of popularity contest.

Sweet! Coupon for two dollars
off fro-yo.

Yeah, and tell them Dr. D sent you.
You'll get a little extra whip.

Great last class, buddy.

It's your last day.
What do you want to do?

I don't know, Turk.
I've left so many times,

I've come back so many times.
Even I'm confused.

I think we should just
sit this one out, old friend.

- I'm gonna need a minute.
- Turk, no.

- Hey, Luce, guess what I see?
- Don't say it.

- "I see dead people."
- Yep. Fifteenth time's the charm.

Hey, Dr. Cox.
I was just practicing for your exam.

Taking blood is so easy.

Dynamite work.
But here's the thing there.

You're going to have to do this
on a person who still has blood

and can feel pain,
not like this lump of flesh.

- Did you just flick that cadaver's ear?
- Yes.

I come down here to both increase
my hand strength and relax.

Some people go on retreats.
I flick the dead.


That is so awesome.

The teacher evaluations were in.

Okay, what's it say, Turk? I can't look!

- Dude, you're number one.
- Yes! That's the part I wanted.

This reminds me of when I was in my
theater camp's production of Oliver!

I still remember my one line.
"No, thank you. I don't like soup."


Hey, Perry, don't you want to see
where you're ranked?

I'm quite sure I'm last.
I could not care less.

Don't feel bad, Perry.

Maybe you could go find some solace
in one of your gym workouts.



I don't know how,
but that knocked the wind out of me.

"Mesmerizing," "Hilarious,"

"If you only take one class this year,
make it Dr. D's.

"It's the nonstop thrill-ride
of the quarter."

You know, Perry, you might want
to watch a video called Boundaries,

especially the section on roughhousing.

Suck it up, Mary Lou.

You cannot get under my skin today.
Not with reviews like these.

Wow. Wrong. Really wrong.
And what is this?

- What is what?
- "Needy," "Desperate,"

"Light on medical knowledge,
heavy on Broadway trivia."

He wrote that I don't care
about teaching

and I just want people to like me.
I'm a fool.

I know. It's beautiful.

God, I wish these things
weren't anonymous.

I'd like to take this student out
and buy him a steak.

He nailed it. All the best.

- Turk, am I needy?
- No.

Tell me a hundred times.

Thanks for letting me
practice on you, Dr. D.

I don't know why I'm having
such a hard time with this procedure.

How could anybody hate me?
I'm literally bleeding for you guys.

That's a muscle.
Aim for the blue lines.

Sorry. I don't know why I can't get this.

I used to have a problem
with the same thing,

but then I realized you just gotta
pretend the needle's your friend.

Be careful, though.
I told that to a med student once

and he became a heroin addict.

But just pretend
the needle's your buddy

and you two are doing
something you love to do.

Like roller skating?

I would have said ice dancing,
but to each their own.

Here goes nothing.

I did it!

Dr. D, thanks for always helping me
through the tough stuff.

It's okay.
Maybe you should practice on,

like, a student partner or something.
Preferably someone who can't feel pain.

Like the Incredible Hulk.

The Hulk can feel pain, Turk.
Also, lasers hurt him.


Dude, I hope you paged me
'cause you came to your senses

and realized
that we need to do one last eagle.

- Eagles are played out, Turk.
- How dare you?

You and I are gonna find the kid
that torched me.

You said you wanted to do something
this last week. This is gonna be fun.

We'll be like
the interracial Hardy Boys.

Look. A clue!
A piece of Old Man Peterson's overalls.

That means he's the Phantom
of CAT Scan Island.

Dad's gonna be so proud of us,
black adopted brother.

All right, I'm in, but you're buying me
a magnifying glass.

- I got you a present.
- What is it?

I don't know.
It came out of the guy in Room 12.

That's sweet. Oh. Still warm.

- Oh, God. Here's Sunny.
- Who's Sunny?

Sunny is a wicker basket
of adorable kittens

sliding down a shimmering rainbow.
Head for the hills.

Hi, guys!

It's too late.
If she talks to me, shoot me.

Denise, is this Drew?
You said he was handsome, but wow!

What's happening?

I can't believe
Denise found that special someone.

When I first met her, I thought, "This
woman is probably going to die alone,"

but here she is, and here you are,
and here I am asking you guys

if you'd like to go on a double date
with me and Keyshawn.

- I guess.
- Yes!

- We're not doing that.
- Of course not.

I was gonna say yes,
then call her at the last minute,

tell her I'm sick,
then change my cell phone number.

Yeah, I owe her that.
She is my closest female friend.


Cole, will you please be
my blood buddy for Dr. Cox's exam?

Mmm. Sorry, baby. No can do.
Doc says I got tiny baby veins.

Something to do with my moms
eating blowfish in the third tri-mo.

Besides, I've seen you
take blood before, and you suck at it.

Somebody help me! I have a family!

He's dealt with worse. He came
to this country on a boat made of tires.

Okay, I guess I am gonna have
to break out the big guns.

No blood, no sex.

Turk and I were hard at work,

trying to solve
The Mystery of the Feelings Hurter.

Now, do you see how the "R's"
in this evaluation form

are the same as in this test
from three months ago?

- Dude, I totally see it.
- Hello, Barry Friedman.

Hacking into the med school files
right now.

- You can hack?
- No, I have a password.

It just sounded cooler. We're in.

Tell me a story, Turk.

Barry Friedman.
Lives in the east dorms.

Okay. Buckle up, Bar.
We're coming for you.

Which way is east?

- Hey! So, what's the plan for tonight?
- Drew doesn't want to go.

- Bummer. Rain check?
- Yeah, definitely.

- Yes! Look forward to it.
- No. Not happening.


How beautifully ironic
that the queen of sensible slacks

is not even wearing the pants
in her very own relationship.

- What are you talking about?
- Now, I saw how fast Drew

put the kibosh
on that double-dating idea.

Missy, you realize you're shoulder-deep
in that inevitable turf war

that defines modern coupledom,
and psst...

He is winning.

And make no mistake about it.
Early victories are huge.

In our first month dating,
Jordan made me give up tomatoes,

speaking to my mother
and my ponytail.

Honest to God,
I can still feel it some mornings.

That's not the way it is
with Drew and me.

I see your point.

Because you are so very different
from every other couple

in the history of doomed relationships.

Note to self. They're different.

I think this is Barry Friedman's room.
Twenty-three, right?

Turk, I can see the number "23"
from here.

We don't need
that stupid magnifying glass.

Damn, why didn't I get
one of those for me?

You've gotta be careful
when you're working a mystery.

- Dr. Kelso?
- Well, well.

Well, come in or shut the door.
You're letting all the funk out.

Because you might not like
what you find.

Hey, I know you were thinking
of Chinese food tonight,

but I want to do Italian.

- Okay.
- Great.


Especially if what you discover
is that you're still totally lost.

Come on, girl, do it. Make me bleed!

I can't do it.
I'm never gonna be able to do it.

There's my big box of failure.

Oh, Santa, you got my letters,
you fat bastard.


- Dr. Kelso, why are you here?
- This is my sex pad.

And what have you done
with Barry Friedman?

He dropped out of med school
two weeks after it started.

I've been using his dorm room
as my love nest.

I can't get with a gal in the same bed
I shared with Enid.

Gives me the softies.

- That's disgusting.
- Oh, I threw up in my mouth a little.

- Well, looks like we hit a dead end.
- Dear God, Newbie.

Don't tell me you're still looking
for the visionary

- who gave you the bad review.
- Yes, I am.

I know you don't give a damn
about what students think,

but I want them to remember me
as someone who was nurturing.

So, let me get this straight.

You're going to find this kid,
then what?

- I'm gonna change his mind.
- Excellent use of your time.

Forget him.
Turk, gather all the students

- in the lecture hall.
- All of them?

Just lure them there
with something young people like,

like pizza or Rob Schneider.

- So, pizza?
- Sure.


Dr. D, I really need you to be
my blood buddy for the exam.

Lucy, I'm glad
that I make you feel comfortable, but...

If you could just help me
get through this one,

I know next time I can do it on my own.

It's just that
I'm working a case right now,

and I'm this close
to cracking this mother wide open.

Okay, I know Dr. D can't resist
my puppy-dog look.

Crap, she's puppy-dogging me.
Be strong.

I'll do whatever it is
that you want me to do.

Thank you.

We're going to dinner
with Sunny and Keyshawn.

- I thought you didn't want to go.
- Well, now I do. Wear your black shirt,

and dial the hair gel back. You're not
doing the weather on Channel 7.

So who gave Dr. Dorian
a negative review?

Many of you had motives.

Mary. There was
the unfortunate incident

where I called you Mark
for the first part of the quarter.

But now I'm a major supporter of your
softball team, so we worked that out.

Jeremy. Of course I suspected you.

You take a little too long
to laugh at my jokes,

but I forgot to account
for your interpreter.

I apologize for not giving you
a proper "hearing."

Thank you, Jeremy.

Dr. Turk and I are going
to keep you in here all day

until whomever gave me
the negative review steps forward.

Who amongst you has the courage
to step forward and say,

"Hey! I am the coward!"

Dear Lord, Newbie.

It was me.


Why would you do that to me?

'Cause, as always,
pushing your buttons amuses me,

and I know you don't think
I have anything left to teach you,

but maybe I wanted you to see
just how ridiculous you truly are,

constantly chasing their approval.

Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Dorian,
I just wanted to make sure

you were still going
to be my blood buddy.

I'll be there.

- What?
- You can't even help yourself, can you?

Dorian, in order for these kids
to really learn,

sooner or later
you gotta let go of their hands.

So, I'm supposed to be like you
and just rule by fear?

Perry, they hate you.

Yes, they do, and sure,
I could be a little bit kinder,

but that's not going to happen,
and here's why.

We're creating doctors,
not kindergartners.

- They need me.
- Do they?

Because I don't ever remember
holding your smooth little doll hand,

and you turned out to be
not too horrible a doctor.

So I'm here
for our ridiculous couples' date.

- Where are they?
- They're at the bar.

I told them they couldn't sit with us.

Okay, let's sneak out the back
and go play air hockey.

- Why did you make me come here?
- So I could win, which I did.

Look, I had to do something.
You were trying to make a power play.

No. I just didn't want to go
on some stupid double date.

So far this has just been
a hook-up thing.

Why are you acting like
we're in some big, serious relationship?

I mean, don't get me wrong,
not that I'm against it.

Normally, by now I would have
sabotaged this by, I don't know,

getting hammered at Thanksgiving
and making out with one of your aunts,

and I haven't done that,
and I think that's good.

I feel like I'm growing.

You know what? I'm into it if you are.

Do you want to talk about us
being in a relationship?

I have news for you.
We're in a relationship.

- What?
- Yeah, I decided, like, a month ago.

I didn't tell you?

Damn it. I actually like you.

- You stole from me?
- "Going to steal." Big difference.

Come on, Dr. D.
Where are you?


That vein didn't stand a chance.
I owned that bitch.

As much as it pains me to admit it,
that "bitch" is indeed yours. Well done.

- Jingle Bells, you're next.
- Great. Yes.

Let me just pop up front

- and I will take some blood.
- What are you doing?

Stalling until Dr. Dorian gets here.
He's on his way,

and when he gets here,
I am going to drain his main vein.

You have five minutes.

- So we are in a relationship?
- Yeah.

Are there any other decisions that
you made that I need to know about?

- I mean, are we exclusive?
- You are.

But don't worry,
we'll go over all the rules later.

Hey, guys. This is Keyshawn.

- He's da bomb.
- That's great.

You order drinks,
I'm gonna go hit the head.

- What should we order for her?
- Yeah, she's not coming back.

No problem.
It just means more Drew time.

Being there for someone
is never easy.

You don't want to let down the people
you care about.

- Time's up. Do it now or fail.
- But I don't have a partner.

Yeah, you do.

- Just remember, you're terrified of me.
- I am.

Go ahead.

But sometimes,
being there for someone

means not being there at all.

The needle is my friend.
The needle is my friend.

- I did it. I actually did it.
- You most certainly did.

And the good news is that med school
gets a lot easier after this.

- Really?
- No.


Hey. Thanks a lot for not showing up.

By the way, I did it all on my own
and I didn't need you after all.

That's good, isn't it?


Good luck.

Well, this is it. I can't believe you.

I can't believe you don't want
to do one last eagle.

This could be our last eagle
before our next last eagle.

Turk, gather the students.

All right, but they're not gonna fall
for Rob Schneider again.

Then pull out the big guns.
Tell them it's the cast of Twilight.

- Kids love sexy vampires.
- I'm on it.

Cast of Twilight is in the quad!

- Come on!
- Cast of Twilight is in the quad.

- J.D., are we really doing this?
- Yes, Turk.

It's time to finally realize the dream.
Super Eagle!

Super Eagle!

- Look who it is.
- Oh, dear God.

Now, that is ridiculous. What is it?

That is my prescription fiber drink
with rum.

I love that.

Hey, you got any of those wiener pills?

Who do you think
you're talking to, son?

I'll give you one for 10 bucks.

- Got change for a $20?
- Nope.

We'll drop a couple of these bad boys

and go trolling for ladies
at the airport bar.

- Will you be my grandpa?
- Why, sure, little man. Sure.