Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 4 - Our Histories - full transcript

J.D. and Turk show up in costume at a med student's party. Meanwhile, Kelso bids a fond farewell to Ted and Gooch.

Being in med school is
kind of like being in basic training.

And the professors
are like drill sergeants.

Some rule with an iron fist.

Do you feel the spit raining down
on your face, maggot?

And will you ever forget
the excessive production of saliva

is a condition known as sialorrhea?


Sir, no, sir!

Others carry a big stick.

You want to become a doctor?

Well, you're gonna have to work.

Work your little scrubs off.

Is this the speech from Fame?

You want fame? Well, fame costs.

Our only hope for getting
through it? Teamwork.

we all just looked out for ourselves.

Cole, I need the retractor.

- I'm using it right now.
- Seriously?

Yeah, I don't like touching bread.
Creeps me out.

- Give him the stupid retractor.
- What?

Give me my sandwich.

Who did this?

If you wanna keep sleeping with me,
I expect you to have my back.

God, you've got so many rules.

Get your back,
listen to you when you talk,

stay out of your purse.

Damn, girl, quit playing games.

At least the weekend
was coming.

We needed some fun,
and Cole was throwing a party.


This weekend
was gonna be amazing.

I was spending it
with the love of my life.

- Elliot gone?
- Gone. Carla?

Long gone and took the kids.

Bro-A-Palooza has officially begun.

We're not calling it Bro-A-Palooza.

Why not? I already made T-shirts.

That's awesome. Where's mine?

This is yours!

I've decided to no longer
refer to you two as pathetic.

Thanks, Perry.

Instead, since my nephew gave me

my very first thesaurus
as a birthday present,

I'm going to allow you to choose
from the following, if you will.

"Miserable, pitiful, sorry, wretched,
deplorable, regrettable or sad."

"Wretched" sounds like Dickens.
We'll go with "wretched."

No, it's just Old Man doesn't
understand two young guns

Out on the town.

He doesn't get Bro-A-Palooza.

8:00 p.m. To question mark.

That means
we don't even know when it ends.

So many things to tear apart here.

I'll focus on your delusion
that you are still young.

You're both much closer to 40
than you are 20.

Let's face it, you're just like me.

Old, tired and you gotta get up
a lot at night to take a pee.

Is he psychic?

Hey, Field Hockey, your med students
are acting like animals.

You think licking will stop me?
I've eaten out of dumpsters.

- They're not my med students.
- They are,

because you are their faculty advisor.

You will advise them to start
working together like a team.

And even more importantly,
you will teach them to never,

ever again lay their grubby paws
on my glazed donut.

It is the one sprinkled,
sugary beacon of light left in my life.

- But they're not my students.
- Actually, they are.

Because you're their
faculty student advisor.

So you will advise them that if they
wanna get through med school,

they have to work together.

And don't touch donuts,
they're beacons of light. Or whatever.

When did I become
the student advisor?

When you slept
with the faculty advisor.

Your mom's the faculty advisor?

Joke's on you, my mom's dead.


- Yeah, you guys coming to my party?
- Yes.

I cannot wait to wear a dress

and have a reason
to actually shave again.

It is like the friggin'
Amazon down there.

Too far, too far. Too far.

Gonna be nuts to butts up in that piece.
Big ol' wrangle-dangle.

Yeah, you're making it sound horrible,
but I'm still gonna go.

I need to have some fun.

I've spent the last three weekends
finishing up community service.

Hey, I'm sorry.
I was under the impression

you'd all be much younger.

Turns out dinosaur costumes
are extremely flammable.

I think we all need to let loose,
and, in my case, let Lucy.


Hello, murderers,
butchers, slaughterers, slayers.

I love this thing.

- Did you hear that I was quitting?
- I did, Ted.

I just haven't really figured out
how to pretend I care yet.


I always assumed that someday

we'd just find you dead in your office.

Yeah, that was the dream.

But the Gooch and I are gonna take
some time off and tour the country.

We've written a song for every state.

I'm sure I'll hear all of them
when I die and go to hell.

Damn elevator.


They wear pajamas

They eat their ham-a

So bring your camera

To Alabama


The dogs have paws

The states have laws

The girls wear bras

Depending on the weather

I'm out.

Phase one of Bro-A-Palooza
starts now.

I'm making quesadillas.

- Pepper jack?
- Who are you talking to?


I see with your wives out of town,

you've whipped yourselves
into a lesbian frenzy.

What, do I need to get
a garden hose to separate you two?

You can't separate us.
We're attached by fun.

And tonight's gonna be awesome.

He just fell from the ceiling.
We're not gonna address that?

Your Loser-Palooza is embarrassing.
And I'll be honest with you,

I would've assumed
that two "hip" young guys

such as yourselves would be headed
to the big med school party.

There's a party? What's the theme?

Murder-mystery? Disco? Star Wars?

Sixties? Seventies? Eighties?
Nineties? The future?

Please say it's a Star Wars themed

set in the Roaring Twenties.

The theme is cowboys and Indians.

Yes. We are there.

Cowboys and Indians?

Not my first choice,
but I do have chaps.

I'm liking my new dress.

- It makes my boobs look even.
- Okay.

I am getting so much better
at making friends.

Boom, looks like the bassist
and drummer from Nickelback

are rolling through the party.
Acoustic set, yo.

Please tell me
some of your super-solid bros

- from prep school will be there.
- Topher and Boots are en route.

Where's everyone going?
Nice dress. Your boobs look weird.

- Not from up here.
- Going to my party.

That's not happening.

Tonight we're trying a little exercise
in team building.

No one leaves
until you take final interviews

from the four terminal patients
on this floor.

What's a final interview?

It's a chance for old dying people
to bore you

with their life story before they kick it.

No, Denise. Have some respect.

A final interview
isn't some inconsequential thing

a med student can just blow through.

It actually really matters.

Now hold my pepper jack, please.

Come with me, children.

Hold it like a baby bird, Denise.
Pepper J bruises.

You have the sacred privilege
of being with someone

and recording their precious memories
as they prepare to die.

I'm dying?

No, not dying. Just tonsillitis.

So you get to gargle. Gargle, gargle.

- Why would you let me go in there?
- Why would I stop you?

- This is good cheese.
- Get off my cheese!

How long do final interviews
with actual dying people take?

If you work together, it'll go faster.

But let me make this very clear,
no one leaves until you're all done.

All done or none done.

Boots is gonna be pissed.

And the last state is Wyoming

Lots of wigs to be combing

And the buffalo are roaming

No Jews to be shalom-ing

In the great state of Wyoming

You have the voice of an angel.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.

Not you, Ted.

If I were 10 years younger
and you were 10 years younger...

It's too late, sir, I've already tapped it.

Ted Buckland.

I'm sorry, he brings it out of me.

It's okay.
I didn't always treat Teddy very well.

Say, how about we do
a last night out on the town?

Let me give you a proper send-off.

That would mean a lot, sir.

- Ted!
- I'm sorry, it's him.

It's not. It's me.

An Indian wouldn't wear chaps.

You're forgetting my back story.

I killed the cowboy then took his chaps.
I'm also a sheriff.

It's not a theme party, is it?

No, but thank you
for the great early birthday present.

Say "cheese."

- Well done, girls.
- To hell with it. I'm going in.

Maybe no one'll notice.
Let's just try and blend in.

Black cowboy?
Son, what are you doing?

Me? He's the Indian wearing chaps.

When it works, it works.

I'm also a sheriff.

What are you guys
doing here, anyway?

Picking up some extra cash.

We do bar security,
bouncy-house rentals.

- We got a line of...
- We have a line of homemade salsa.

Shut your face, Frank.
I was gonna tell them about the salsas.

- Copy that.
- I don't have you guys on the list.

It's probably under D, for Dr. D, or,

maybe Dr. Dizzle,
perhaps D to the lzzle.

- Oh, here. We have a D. Izzle.
- That's probably it.

I'm Dave lzzle.

Hey! It's Special K. How it is?

Melvis, Frank.
Listen, that salsa was in-frickin'-sane.

These are my plus two.

Dr. Kelso, do you think
you could hook us up, too?

You're gonna have to ask
Ted about that,

because this is Ted's night.

- Ted?
- I'm going to say yes,

but I've never had
this kind of power before,

so I'm going to milk it, okay?

- Go ahead. Do your thing.
- I mean, you gotta... You...

Let it be so!


We have to ask them 25 questions?
This is gonna take forever.

Hey, no problem, Luce, it's just...

The final interview

I just thought of that.

Damn, I'm gonna be a good doctor.

Look, we'll split up the patients, okay?

It?ll be quick and easy,
and then we can get to Cole's party.

- Done.
- Done.

Super-done. My dude is dead.

Peace, I gotta go drown my sorrows
with a Jagerbomb.

Where's Lucy?

Um... What is your birth date?

Probably just find that in the chart.
How about, are you married?


Do you think that when bears hibernate
they have super-long dreams?

- What?
- You spoke.

I got you. Now you owe me an answer.

You know, tit for tat, which,
by the way, is a horrible expression.

It sounds pornographic.

Listen, girlie,

I'm not interested in answering

a bunch of stupid questions
off of a form,

so why don't you just
leave me the hell alone?


Well, I guess it's time
for a little goodbye toast.

I'm not really much of a toast guy.

A fond farewell to that skanky blonde
heading out the door.

I'm gonna see
what other chickens are in the coop.


Eleven seconds. You beat your record.

Whoo! I'm spinning.

Maybe next time you should try it
with alcohol instead of soda.

Don't be insane. This is awesome.

- Yeah, it is. We're letting them know.
- True dat.

Who and what are we letting know?

Mine won't talk.

He wasn't even intrigued
by my bear-hibernation question.

For the last time,
they don't dream and nobody cares.

They do and everybody cares.

I'm sorry about your party,
but I was very clear.

All done or none done.

Hey, guys, my patient just died,

I'm feeling a little too upset
to keep working.

Really? What was his name?

Look, I can't do this right now, Drew.
I'm hurting.

You're really gonna leave us?

I don't know if you can see
how much my soul dies

every time I let you back into my bed,

but it would make me hate myself,
like, four notches less

if I thought you had one decent bone
in your body.

Please don't laugh because
I said "bone."

Hey, look, baby, I would love to stay,
but I just don't want to.

- Whoo! Good one.
- Whoo! Go on, boy.

Please, please, tell me
that this is just an intermission,

because I don't want this show
to ever end.

Why are you here, Perry?

To laugh, to cry, to cry from laughing,

but mostly to laugh
at two desperate guys

on an ice slide
to an irrelevant middle age.

Well, not only have we been
letting them know...

- Is that the correct expression?
- That's it right there, let them know.

Well, we've been letting them know
by doing the Cabbage Patch,

the Running Man and the Capoeira.

That's right.
That's Brazilian dance-fighting.

- In your face.
- Where's the jackass?

Jackass, come.

What up?

Now you are the host of this party,

and to some extent,
the voice of your generation.

And while I sadly acknowledge
that heralds the coming apocalypse,

I do value your opinion
on one thing in particular.

Wow. You're like Shakespeare, yo.

I am. I am like Shakespeare, yo.

Now look around the room real quick

and tell me the five lamest people
that you see.

Feel free to start with me.

Cool. One, old.

Two, bald and shiny.

Three, super-old.

Four, checked out my junk at the urinal.

And five, has weird junk.

Number four told me.

- We didn't make the list.
- Nope, we didn't.

- You've just been served.
- Yeah, and you know what?

We're gonna rub it in your face
a little bit

by doing some Brazilian fight-dancing.

- Five, six, seven, eight.
- Capoeira. Capoeira.

That was outstanding.

Sometimes reality takes the form
of a kick to the head.

Sorry, bros, you just moved up

to the number one and two spots
on my lame list.

Well, I think Turk should be
number one

because he appears to be bleeding.

Other times
it gets right up in your grill.

- Why would you page me?
- Paul just wants to be left alone.

Just let us go.

We'll come back in the morning
and take another shot at him.

Great, I'll go talk to his liver
and tell it to stop failing.

You don't get it, do you?

Patients don't do things
on your schedule.

This isn't high school, guys.
This is real.

You know what?
Do whatever you want.

I don't give a rat's ass.

Just make sure
you can live with yourself.

I'm really sorry, C-Bear.

I had no idea my range of motion
would be so incredible in these chaps.

That's a lie. I totally knew.

I can't believe I let you sew my eye up
after all the soda you had.

This night definitely didn't turn out
the way I hoped it would.

- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!

Did you have us in the chairs again?

We weren't getting married, Turk.
We were becoming men.

Hey, did you guys dress up
for the kids in the cancer ward?

- Yes, we... That's what we were...
- Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, and then what happened was,

one of the kids hit me in the head
with a toy.

Yeah, 'cause he was mad.

'Cause he had the cancer.

Okay. We're just...

Hey. How did the final interviews go?

Not perfect.

But we decided as a group
that we can live with ourselves.

Well, I know those things are hard.

Turk and I had to do one last year.
We couldn't get the guy to say a word.

We ended up skipping
our big steak night

and we just spent hours talking to him.

He had a lot he needed to say
before he passed on.

Yeah, it definitely meant a lot to him.

I gotta say, for me, though,
it was probably

one of the most memorable nights
I've ever had as a doctor.

Me, too.

We just dropped a knowledge bomb
on your asses.

Dr. Turk was right.

A knowledge bomb
had been dropped on our asses.

So we decided to take another shot,

even though Paul
wasn't gonna talk to any of us.

What up, nerds?

Hey, this Paul dude is awesome.
He nailed Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, no.
It was actually Marilyn Montrose.

Same diff.
Chicks named Marilyn are hot.

I can't believe you came back.

It wasn't my idea. Denise made me.

- How did you get him to talk?
- We had a conversation.

All Hot Stuff here did
was ask questions off a form.

Are you choosing to smile
and ignore the insult

'cause he called you "Hot Stuff"?

Hey, did you know
Paulie got a Purple Heart in Korea?

I didn't even know we fought Korea.

So Paul, how'd you get
your Purple Heart?

Come on, talk to us.


That's not my drink. It's good, though.

Methinks it's quitting time.

Good night, Gooch.


- Ted.
- That's it?

I've been your whipping boy
for eight years,

and all I get before I disappear forever
is a wet, clammy handshake?

And yes, I know
that's from my hand, not yours.

And yes, I know
that we've never really been friends.

And yes, I know that the Gooch
is way too attractive for me.

That's not relevant right now,
it's just always on my mind.

- Please don't leave me for a baritone.
- I won't.

Ted, I'm so hammered
that the only thing I can think about

are those 30-cent hotdogs
at the gas station,

so wrap it up.

You owe me more than a handshake.
Let's go, honey.

That's not my drink, either.

In war,
you have to make the hard choices.

So I shot the man.
But I'll never forget his face.

No way. You wasted a dude?

Hey, my buddy killed a guy once.

Backed right over him in a mini-mall.
It was crazy.

Yeah, that's the same.

I can't believe you were our age
when all that happened.

Yeah, you and me both.
Some of our guys never made it home.

The rest of us tried to keep in touch.
But, you know, life gets in the way.

I haven't seen any of them for years,
but I think about them all the time.

You know, when you spend
the hardest time in your life

with a group of people,
you're bonded forever.

What're you guys still doing here?

All done, none done. Remember?

Wow. That crap worked.

I faculty-advised
the hell out of you guys.

I think it dawned on all of us
that, in a way, we were war buddies.

And we wouldn't be able
to get through med school

if we didn't have each other's backs.

Leave him! Every man for themselves!

Well, it dawned on most of us.

Hey, thanks for making Cole
come back.

I didn't make him come back.

I really hate talking to that guy.
It adds an extra shower to my day.

I can't believe it's been 12 years
since we started medical school.

We're getting old, Kemo Sabe.

Well, thank you, Lord.

Now you do realize you could have
saved yourself a lot of embarrassment,

a lot of time and about seven stitches

if you'd just admitted to that
a little earlier.

Of course, it wouldn't have been
as much fun for me

and I damn sure wouldn't have
gotten this terrific screen saver.

- He's gonna want a copy of that.
- No, I won't.

Hello, Christmas cards.

There's nothing wrong
with getting older.

So do yourself a favor.
Get a prostate exam,

stop wearing ironic T-shirts
and just let it happen.

Sometimes we have to embrace
the hard truths about ourselves,

whether it's what we really wanna do
on a big night out

or realizing that you're never
as strong alone as you are together.

I can't believe we found them.

I can't believe they came.

...three straps!