Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 3 - Our Role Models - full transcript

J.D. and Drew learn a tough lesson in mentoring when Dr. Cox and Lucy show them that sometimes the student is the teacher.

Hey, man. I'm gonna hit the gym

and sneak in a quick workout.
Wanna come?

Sweating it out in a steam room
isn't exercising, buddy.

No, it's sit-cercising.

Newbie, Gandhi.
Come here.

Great, Dr. Cox and his golden-boy
med student.

I wanted you to witness this.

Number One,
say goodbye to the "Number One" sign.

Oh, that's too bad.

And say hello to the Number One shirt.

- What?
- It's beautiful. Honestly.

The nicest shirt I've ever received
from a grown, married man.

- Oh, go on.
- Please, leave me alone.

Put it on.

Hey, that's some crazy ink
you got there.

- What the hell is that thing, anyway?
- I don't know.

I woke up after a three-day bender
driving a forklift and sporting this.

"My name's Drew. I'm so cool because
I've been in prison and I got a tattoo."

Mock him and I'll eat your soul!

Tattoo spooked you a little, huh?

His breath was so cold, Turk. So cold.


Oh, thank God.
I thought I was late for Dr. Cox's class.

That would be the biggest mistake
I could make.

Damn, girl. That was a workout.

Okay, second biggest.

You know, normally I like to sleep in.
But part of me is an early riser.

Wow, this should not have happened.

Not that it wasn't nice.

You have small
but surprisingly powerful hands

and almost no beard.

It's like you were created
in a lab for a woman's pleasure.

- The thing about Cole is that he...
- No, no. No third-person.

Let's begin with some Q and A.

You, seat-filler,

tell me the thickest layers
in the walls of veins.


Thank you for getting us off
to that rousing start.

Who's next? Ah!

Pin-up girl avoiding eye contact?

Ugly Don Cheadle?

What about you, Legacy?
Got anything?

Well, you see...

No, curiously, I don't see.

When Dr. Cox gets like this,

it feels a lot like
second-grade gym class.

Come on, you hairless babies.

Show some sack and pick up a ball.
Who wants it? You brat!

You! You're out!

- Watch out, watch out, watch out!
- You.

- Not in the face.
- Yeah, in the face.

Right in the nose. Anybody else?


Oh, thank you, muffin.

The thickest layers of the walls
of the veins are the tunica externa.

Everyone else, stare into my eyes

so I can clock the very instant
when you first realize

that you're not going to make it.

Here we go.

Thank you. That was lovely.

Hey, congrats, bro.
You really brought it today.

But who's that nipping at your heels?

Uh-oh, it's C-Dog.

Sorry, I don't speak hipster gibberish.

I'm talking about this epic battle

you and I are locked in
for the number-one spot.

Okay, I'm assuming you like
to be called "dude."

- Love it.
- Dude, I don't like the spotlight.

I don't like the extra attention.

I tried med school before
and I crashed and burned. Okay?

Oh, playing it humble. Nice angle.

But careful walking on the tracks,
because there's a Cole train a-coming.


I'm always psyched when Dr. D
asks me to swing by for office hours.

So, tell me, how's school going?

Well, my hair is falling out in clumps,
but that's not necessarily stress.

I mean, I am getting older.

That's what I want
to talk to you about, Lucy.

You need to be prepared
for when I leave.

Damn it,
why bring her to the learning tree

if you're not gonna use it
in your inspiring talk?

My point is, while I'm here, I'm yours,
but you also need to branch out.

Nailed it.

I don't know if I can get through
med school alone.

Don't worry. Before I leaf...

You're on fire.

...I?ll make sure that
you have a mentor

you're as close to as I am to mine.

Speak of the devil.

Hey, Perry, you wanna hang out later?

Sure, and if we can't find any more
climbing trees,

we'll just head down
to the old swimming hole

and skip stones until the fireflies
tell us it's suppertime.

I assume that's a diss of some sort.


Oh, snap! That hurt to watch.

Can't wait to see that
on the surveillance tape.

That's right,
we have cameras everywhere.

We're watching you.

- Drive.
- Copy that.

I need a new mentor.

Someone strong
and not afraid to express emotions.

Maybe a woman.

Give me my chips, you dirty bitch!

Or her.

Help me shake this machine.

Dr. Mahoney, I was wondering
if it would be possible

for me to shadow you in the hospital.

This is not over, you filthy whore.

Shadow me? Sure.

No, wait, I forgot, you totally annoy me.

Is there any way you could instantly
change your entire personality?

I guess I could try.

Even the way you said that
was irritating.

Look, I'm not the mentoring type, okay?
Go ask Turk.

I did, but he said, and I'm quoting now,

"I already have Dr. Bradley
all up in my business."

Dr. Turk, thanks so much
for taking me under your wing.

It's such a privilege. I feel like
I should be paying you something.

- No, I don't want your money.
- Okay. Tearing it up, sir.

No, don't tear up your money.

My bad, sir. Taping it up.

Tom, you're 10 years older than me
and you have a wife and kid.

- Please, have some dignity.
- Too late, sir.

I wish Dr. Cox had some time
for me, but I get it.

He's a busy man. A very busy man?

- Cheers.
- Cheers.


It says "why?"

Cox and I were drinking beer

and watching sports,
two things you hate.

First of all, Turk,
I've learned to pretend I enjoy beer,

and secondly, I love sports.

The opening ceremonies for
the Winter Olympics is not a sport,

- and you cried during it.
- If you wanna talk about crying,

let's talk about the end of Rudy.

Hold on, he got on the field at the end
of the movie, with his dad in the...

You know what? No. No.
We're not going there.

Excuse me, Dr. Dorian,
sorry I missed your class.

Can I get the notes?

No. Actually, Drew, you can't.

And I'm going to e-mail the whole class

and ask them not to share
their notes with you.

Then tomorrow, we'll have a quiz on it.

That seems excessive. But okay.
What was the lecture on?

I don't remember, Drew.
It was 20 minutes ago.

- What are you doing?
- I know, I know.

It's just that Cox is draping himself
over that kid like a cheap hussy.

And then I have to find
you and Perry canoodling

in that sports-themed tavern,
pretending you like beer.

Well, we're not pretending,
we actually like beer.

Oh, stop it, Turk. It's me.

I just feel like I'm being replaced.

That'll never happen.
Do you wanna know why?

- Tell me this instant.
- Because you're John "Damn" Dorian.

You're right. I am John "Damn" Dorian.

You're John "Damn" right you are!
Now give me a chest bump!

But don't flex,
because it'll knock the wind out of me.

See? I can't breathe.

I'm sorry, whitebread. I'm not currently
looking for a protege-slash-suck-up.

Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up.

If I were sucking up, I would tell you
how much I like your shoes.

Which I do, by the way.

They're mannish, yet flirty.

Like, "Hey, boys,
come watch me build a deck."

Look, I just really,
really want to shadow you. Please?

- Gurney.
- What?


- Ah, I think I'm on your tube.
- That's how I eat.


Dr. Mahoney,
if you do let me shadow you...

For the last time, no.

How are you feeling today?

Well, I have my up days
and down days.

Some weeks I have more up days
than down days.

Like last week,
I had four up days, one down day.

I was like,
"Woo hoo, let's have a party!"

But today I think
I could really use a hug.


I changed my mind.

You can start shadowing me
by hugging Mrs. Maroney.

Okay, Dr. Mahoney.

Wait a second. Maroney, Mahoney.
That is so funny.

Yeah, not as I understand funny.

Take Mrs. Maroney down for her MRI.

- Can you keep an eye on my son?
- Your what?

Excuse me.

Hey, watch a kid for me?

- No, I'm afraid of kids.
- He's 12.

I got shot by a 12-year-old
at a petting zoo.

Besides, I gotta change this shirt.
The neck's choking me.

We get it, Drew.
You've got a very muscular neck.

All right, team,
this should be fairly straightforward.


Drew's rubbing this
T-shirt thing in my face.

J.D., what the hell? I'm in surgery.

It's not even the right color for him!
He's clearly an autumn.

- You've lost it.
- Dr. Turk is right.

You should be asleep.
She should be asleep.

That's my fault, sir.

If anyone gets sued for this,
it's gonna be me.

Look, you gotta remember,
you're John "Damn" Dorian.

So think about it.

What would John "Damn" Dorian do?


Is that too many "D's"?

Why are you awake?

This thing is so complicated.

You're not that petty kid anymore.
Just let it go.

I could do that, or...

Okay, a patient has hypotension,

hyperpigmentation of skin
and hyponatremia.

What diagnostic test should we run?

I know. I know!

Anyone but the board-certified doctor?

Good call. I'll observe.

We do an ACTH stimulation test
to diagnose...

Addison's Disease!
It's Addison's Disease!

- I was gonna say that.
- Well, we'll never know, will we, Drew?

Walking tall, Dorian. Walking tall.

Feeling tall, Perry.

Okay, I'll admit it.
Kids are good for something.

I can get you the mints,
but if you want these chips

I might dislocate my shoulder.

- Chips.
- Fine.

- Got them.
- Nicely done.

With my mom
in the hospital all the time,

I just figured out how to do this.

Yeah. I never knew my mom.

- You gonna cry about it?
- No.

Here you go. Oh. Hmm.

You gonna cry about it?

Excluding Number One here,

today's assignment is for everyone
to drop out of medical school.

Your parents' money would be better
stuffed into garbage bags,

packed into a rocket
and shot into the sun.

Oh, my,
this gentleman appears to be coding.

What a delight.
Who would like to dive in?

I'm on this.

Where the hell did you get a scalpel?

A present from my unc.
The handle's made from elephant tusk.

It's mad illegal, yo.

- Step off. Number One, jump in.
- Excuse me?

Do you know why I call him
Number One?

It's because he is roger and ready
to do this stuff.

- Drew, run the code. What's first?
- I don't know.

I'm standing right here next to you.
Let's take his pulse.

Now, tell me, which nurse should go
get the crash cart?

- Huh?
- He who hesitates is lost.

Take a breath. Make a decision.

- Her.
- Tell her to do so.

Go get the crash cart.

Now we're cooking.

Around here, you can be thrown
into the mix at a moment's notice.

I'll be right back.

Um, I've got the results of
Ryan's mom's MRI.

What's it say?

That she's dying.

Bring him back to her room.

You just have to hope
you're up to the task at hand.

- You're doing really great.
- Is this guy dying?

Probably. But he's been circling
the drain for months, so it's no biggie.

Now he's unresponsive to CPR.
What's next?

- I don't know!
- Sure you do. Think.

- I don't!
- Come on, Drew. Tell me.

This is insane. I'm not ready for this!

Of course,
if you let someone down...

Newbie. Little help here, please.
Let's go. can turn into someone else's
moment to shine.

There's no better way
to celebrate saving a life

than pretending to like beer.


Yep, I'm sitting between my best bud
and my abusive father figure

watching my new favorite thing...


They're staring. Quick, talk like a jock.

Sports grass is so lovely.

Here I thought we weren't
bringing our wives this evening.

Speaking of which, Carla can't make it
to the Owl Cats game this Friday.

We have an extra ticket.

I'm in. I'm in.
I gotta see this sports grass in person.

Excuse me, Dr. Cox,

I don't mean to interrupt,
but I have to apologize.

I've made a lot of bad choices in life.

Quick example, I accidentally
set a shrimp boat on fire once.

It was a long story. Another time.

But today was one of those
bad choices.

And if I had the power
to go back in time...

You know, Drew, we all wish
we had superpowers, okay?

Do you know what the perfect
superhero power would be?

Candy hands.

For me,
it would be the ability to get back

all the time I wasted on people
who eventually let me down.


Dude, think about it. Candy hands.

Everything you touch turns to candy.

- Candy lamp.
- Candy Perry.

No Candy Perry.

I don't know how I'll ever
be ready to give people news like that.

You all right?

I'm super. Go away.



I know the next couple months
are really gonna suck.

If I had any questions,
could I, like, call you?

Yeah, I don't know, Ryan.

Oh, okay. Cool.

Why is the college mascot an Owl Cat?

I don't even know what an Owl Cat is.

I like to think it's what happens
when an owl and a cat fall in love.

Hey, there's my kiss-ass
with some pizza.

I'll be back with a couple of slices.

Dr. Dorian, do you have a second?


I mean, sure.

Hey. Look at... Ooh!

Look at that, right there. Look.

Appreciate you.

Oh! Dr. Mahoney.

Hey, I need to talk.

Oh, my God.

- Were you raised by horses?
- No.

I wish.

I was just studying.

- Wassup, shorty?
- And fornicating.

Cole, get back under the horse blanket,

I was thinking that
maybe the three of us...

Cole! Horse blanket!


- Maybe we should just go outside?
- Great idea.

You want me to help Ryan
through his mom's death?

It?ll only be a few months. A year, tops.

Come on, it'll be fun.
It'll be like having a really sad pen pal.

What are you doing?
You should help him.

Listen up, Seabiscuit.
This isn't my wheelhouse, okay?

It's taken me a long time
to get to a point

that I can be there,
emotionally, for a patient.

You know how I do it?

Every second that they're here,

I remind myself that once
they leave this hospital,

either on their own, or in a box,

they're no longer my problem anymore.

Out the door. Out of my head.
That's the only way it works for me.

I still think you should do it,
but I'll talk to Ryan.


And another thing, I do love horses.

They are God's most
majestic creatures.

If they could talk,
they would be so very wise.

I've been in a pretty deep hole
for the past couple years.

A lot of self-destructive stuff.

Honestly, the only thing I've burned
more than shrimp boats is bridges.

I need to change that.

What do you want from me?

I understand you and Dr. Cox
have a special relationship.

He's kind of like my dad.

Well, I was hoping you could help me
fix this with him.

- You know... It's Drew, right?
- Yeah.

Drew, I've known
Perry Cox a very long time,

and once he's made up his mind
about someone,

he's never gonna change it.
I wish I could help.

That's awesome.

You're not gonna help him out, huh?
Kind of sucks.

I thought you wanted to be
a good teacher.

During the day, I'm a good teacher.

But right now, I'm ready for
a little Magnum P.I. Crust-ash.

I'm gonna be Magnum P.I.
And you're gonna be black Higgins.

You should talk to Dr. Cox.

I'm questioning a lot
of things today. Like my choice in men.

Hey, babe.
Check it out, I'm Dr. Wolverine.

And my choice in mentors.

I really don't wanna do
Dr. Mahoney's dirty work for her.

I got this.

Oh, I love that game.

If you want to beat the level, you gotta
take that sniper out in the church.

I know.

Hey, I know you guys
are going home today.

So I wanted to give you
my cell phone number

in case you still wanna talk ever.


Give me that. You're horrible.
I'll get the sniper.

What the hell are you wearing?

I'm showing my Owl Cat spirit.

If it's not enough,
I have wings and talons in the car.

Is that glitter? Hell, no!

It came with the makeup kit.
I don't have to use it.


For the love of God, Francine.

I gotta go get the tickets at will call.

Please don't let him put the glitter on.

I've never heard that sentence
uttered about another man.

Perry, I wanna talk to you
about Drew for a second.

I really think you're making
a mistake with him.

Don't you have some gay dance
rehearsal you gotta attend?

He has potential and you know it.

- He's too old.
- He's experienced.

- He quit.
- But he came back.

What exactly do you want from me?

I want you to realize
you set the bar too high.

The attention
that you're giving to Drew,

I would have killed for that
eight years ago.

But you weren't ready yet.
I had to break you down.

I tamed you like a bull.

Excuse me, are we approaching
a point here, Dorian?

Perry, you finally found
someone to believe in.

Don't ruin it by being you.

I think I just mentored my mentor.

But maybe that's how it always is.

Our roles are always switching.

Sometimes you're a student
and sometimes you're a teacher.

Lucy, you still wanna shadow me?

More than horses love rainbows.

Let's go.

Too close.

And if you're smart enough,
everyone can learn something.

One more question, and all you little
assassins can get out of here.

Someone please tell me
where the foramen ovale

in the fetal heart is located?


Save us, please.

Uh, the interatrial septum.

Yes. Nicely done.

I'll expect you to be wearing
your shirt tomorrow.

Everyone leave now.

But whatever you do,
don't wait for that pat on the back.

Because believe me,
it will never, ever...

Oh, come on!

Oh, I love you, sports grass.

- It is pretty soft.
- Pretty soft?

It's like lying on a cloud.

Why did they have to ruin you by
painting all these numbers and lines?

Hey, Captain. Looks like we got
some more turf freaks.

- Found some what?
- Check this out.

- That is disgusting.
- Mmm-hmm.


Warm up the golf cart
and get the taser.

The Mexican one?

Let's do it.