Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 2 - Our Drunk Friend - full transcript

One week teaching here

and already I was falling back
into old rhythms

with my friend and mentor, Perry Cox.

Beautiful day, huh, Big Per?

Dear God, Newbie,
where'd you come from?

- Don't tell me you're following me.
- Following you?

We've been walking together
and falling into old rhythms

since the parking structure.

I told you about my new shampoo
and how it's infused with honey...

Hold that thought. Forever.

Hey, you.



Now did I or did I not handcraft you
something to wear

that symbolizes
your importance to me?

What is it? If he won't wear it, I will.
Is it a cloak?

'Cause I'd look dynamite
in a cloak.

He is to always wear a sign
that says "Number One."

It signifies that he is
the one med student

- for which I have hope.
- Thanks. It's a nightmare.

All the best, Number One.

You don't have to wear this.

I mean, look how silly it looks on me,
you know?

I hate wearing this so much.

He said, "You put that on you,"
and he was yelling.

I was like, "Okay, don't get mad."

But I don't wanna wear it. I don't.



- Guard that, Number One.
- No!

- You're dangerous, aren't you?
- Yes, I am.

Bet you listen to rap music.

There he is.
No one has sex with Lucy Bennett,

takes naked pictures of her
and gets away with it.

Cole, I'm not sure I like what you did.

Served.

I know I blew any chance of us
being together again, and that kills me.

Man, I'm sorry,
I just need to think about

who I am for a second, you know?

What's up, boo? What're you doing?

Making sure these machines
keep this vegetable alive.

Man, I wish his family
would just let him die.

Cool, cool.

So, what are we going to do about this?

- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'm talking about this electricity.

This spark. Zzzt.

- Go now.
- Okay.

Here's a little secret
about Old King Cole.

The only way to get rid of him

is to sleep with him
until he gets bored with you.

Yeah, I'm gonna go get a wire brush
and scrub my skin till I bleed.

All right, class, first order of business
is simple. We're gonna take out our...

- J.D., what are you doing?
- Just watching you teach.

You know, in this light,

you look like Denzel Washington
in The Great Debaters.

Come on, man, I'm working here!
Now, listen, if you...

You know
that's what I was going for, right?

It's pretty obvious.

All right, class,
you now have 30 seconds

to list the adductor muscles of the hip.

Your group does not want to be last.
Ready, go.

The pressure here
can make some students crack.

Amir, you can't just be grabbing
kidneys like that! Bring it back!

Others found ways
to blow off steam.

Um...

What? What are you doing?
No, stop. Take it off.

I can't. He'll know. He's everywhere.
And the worst part...

Drew, I don't care. I'm losing wood.

And Dr. Cox made sure
that the pressure never let up.

Centerfold, your previous answer was
so wrong, it almost became right again.

Now, if you would,
please help me choose the subject

for my impending criticism.

Would you like me to nail you for,

A, your being too attractive
to ever be taken seriously as a doctor,

B, your upsettingly small ears,

or C, that your stupidity
is probably contagious?

- I guess my contagious stupidity.
- Great call. Your ears.

Ah-ha-ha.

Welcome, welcome, Number One.
Certainly, with your human-sized ears,

you can tell us

what the three components of
the mucosal layer of the stomach are.

Epithelium, lamina propria,
muscularis mucosae.

That was perfect.

Okay, class, who hates
Dr. Cox's favorite student?

- Me.
- I do.

Wow. It's the first time you assassins
have gotten one right all day.

There was one bright light
for these kids, though,

and that was me, Dr. D.

Hey, bro, the sun is, like, super bright.
Can you come down?

I, like, told you that the branches

are a metaphor
for the cardiovascular system.

So, no, I cannot come down.
Hence, tree-class dismissed.

Great class, Dr. D.

Even better than the one you did
with interpretive dance.

Thanks. I call it teacher-tainment.

Would you be a doll
and get a message to Dr. Turk ASAP?

Tell him I'm stuck in the tree again,

but this time there appear to be
many bees.

Hurry, Lucy, I've got honey hair!

That tool Cole keeps texting me.
"I have a little Cole for your slaw."

So romantic. You should hit that.

At least Dr. Cox doesn't make you send
a picture of yourself every 10 minutes

wearing a "Number One" sign.

- Wait a minute, what are we doing?
- Talking.

No. This feels like sharing.
And it's gross.

Drew, I need to be clear about what
it is I'm looking for, you know, with us.

- Nothing.
- Same here.

- Sorry about the sharing.
- Oh, no, no, it was both of us.

Oh, now that's just outstanding.

- Dude. Again?
- Finally. Where have you been?

I came as soon as I heard.
I thought you said there were bees.

- Where are the bees?
- They're quiet now,

but I think they're plotting
something big.

- Let's get him out of there.
- Hell, yeah.

Give me a chance
to use old Megan Fox.

That's just a tranq gun.

It's an elephant dose, but don't worry,
we cut it with some diet soda.

- Can't we just shake the tree again?
- Go shake.

Come on, little white baby.
Jump into my arms.

You all right?

It's like being held
by a big piece of caramel.

You never want to end up
in Dr. Cox's eye line

because if he sees you,
he makes you do grunt work.

- You all right?
- What the French?

Sorry, I was just hiding
from one of my teachers.

It's a little game we play.

- Really?
- No.

- You can win at games.
- Got bad news for you, sweetheart.

You lost.

I need you to go ahead
and take Mr. Evans' chart here

and make four copies.

Drop one off at my office, one at my car,
one at the bar that I frequent,

and then go bury one in the quad
and draw me up a map,

just in case I want to go
on a treasure hunt later on.

Hmm, ten after. Goodness...

Darn it all. Now, if that ink runs,

I'm gonna have to replace
the whole sign.

Weird.

Broken ribs and a possible ruptured
spleen? Was Mr. Evans in an accident?

Yes, he was in a train wreck
called his life.

You see,
Alan Evans is a hard-core drunk,

an alkie, a sauce monkey,
a hooch goblin,

a man who unwinds
at the end of every single day

by treating himself to a delightful
garbage bag full of vodka.

- So, what are we going to do?
- We're going to get him out of here,

and then, hopefully,

he's gonna die someplace else.
Like in a yard or somebody's shed.

I love teaching.

I'm a teacher.

Mr. Shershow here
is in a massive coma.

And even though he can't register
any outside stimulus,

I still want someone to read him
all seven Harry Potter books.

Any volunteers? Cole, thank you.

Sorry, no can do.
Got a dinner rezzie with my moms.

A "rezzie"? You also gonna get
your drunk on and eat some 'za?

No, I wish. My mom is lactose intolly.
For real though, she is the best.

When we go out, she helps me
pick up girls. She's my wingmom.

Horrifying. Look, I don't know what
Orlando-based boy band rejected you,

- but you'll do what I tell you.
- Yeah, I don't think so.

See, that's me and my 'rents
at the hospital groundbreaking.

- Wow.
- They're in the major donors' club.

I got to cut the ribbon
with some big ole sizzies.

Long story short,
I'm untouchable around here.

To everyone except you.

- Yeah. That just happened.
- Okay.

I know people like Alan.
I grew up with them.

My Uncle Frank is always drunk.

He fought the entire band
at my cousin's wedding.

Okay, look. Alan's an addict,
so the first thing you need to do

is make sure he's ready for help.

I can't talk to him
about stuff that personal.

I get embarrassed too easily.
I've never seen myself nude.

I mean, I've been nude,
but I never look down.

Weird for a doctor, but okay, fine.

Look, Lucy, you have to find a way
to connect with him.

I like your perfume.

That's weird, because I've never
worn perfume in my entire life.

Also, I've never seen myself naked.

You know, that was part
of an earlier conversation.

- Are you okay?
- I'm not great, Alan.

Med school is tough. I don't sleep.

I haven't eaten anything all week
except yogurt and wine.

- Well, maybe you should take a...
- Alan, I'm not done.

I can't believe
what Cole gets away with.

I'd like to fill a tube sock full of batteries
and just beat him a little.

You know, send a message.

- What?
- Denise, you're scary.

I mean, sure, you seem cute at first,

but then you eat after midnight
or get some water on you

and then, boom,
you turn into this monster

and I gotta throw you
in the microwave and explode you.

- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'm talking Gremlins, woman.

You know, you should get
your boyfriend to watch that movie

and then maybe
he can understand you better.

What boyfriend?

Denise, everybody knows
Drew's hitting it.

- How?
- You guys had sex near The Todd.

- What? What's going on?
- Someone's doing it right now.

- In that supply closet.
- Really?

Socks off, pants on? Still...

Damn it.

How come you don't let him
take his pants off, though?

Man. That was a great cry.
I always feel fantastic after those.

Hello, world, Lucy's back. Am I right?

Well, you definitely gave me
something to work with.

Wow. I mean, my forehead's really big
and I look Chinese,

- but that's really good.
- Thank you.

I used to teach high-school art.

Oh, my God, he's opening up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was married, too.
Before everything fell apart.

I'll tell you what, though, I definitely
don't want to live this way anymore.

Maybe you don't have to.

I thought you had dinner plans
with your wingmom.

Yeah, she's at the bar
sizing up the local talent for me.

No. God, I like more booty than that.
She should know that by now.

- I know you feel me.
- Yeah, I do.

Is a wingmom what I think it is?

Sing to me, Wingmom.
Sing me to my dreams.

- Hello, all.
- Hey.

"Hello, all." I hate that guy.

- But you love that guy.
- Thank you.

- What?
- I'm not surprised.

You're both dark weirdoes.

It's like if Fonzie
and Jo from The Facts of Life

fell in love with each other.

- I'd watch the hell out of that show.
- Who wouldn't?

I'm not looking for a relationship.
I like to be an island, okay?

People can visit the island, but no one
gets to stay. Safer that way.

Do you realize how empty that sounds?
What kind of life is that?

You know, I'd watch a show
about Fonzie and a Gremlin, too.

Fonzie couldn't take care of a Gremlin.
He's too busy being cool.

- Can we stop talking about this?
- You know what you need?

A water taxi to your island

So he can get there
And you can kiss him

Up on your island
All chillin' with turtles

'Cause you're so private
And now falsetto

Yes, falsetto

Uh-oh, she's leaving

Yo, let's keep going

Now even higher

Yes, even higher

Look, Alan wants to change,
so I found him a rehab facility.

I just need a doctor to sign off.
Are you in?

And that was the beginning
of a long line of "no's."

I asked all the doctors in the hospital
and they all shot me down.

Naive-five.

Someone please wake me
from this nightmare.

Because in my fever dream,

I see a med student getting involved
with a patient

who I expressly told her to ignore
mere hours ago.

I cannot tell you how much I hate
to reiterate something,

especially when I have already
iterated it.

You're going to have to
excuse me now,

because I must gather my fury.

It's scary
to put yourself out there.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I am having a crapfest of a day today.

You want to hang out later?
You know, maybe grab a beer?

- Grab a beer?
- Yeah.

- Is that some kind of euphemism?
- Nope, it just means grab a beer.

- Maybe talk a little.
- Oh!

Um... I'm sorry, Denise,

I'm just not looking for that.

- See you later.
- Mmm-hmm.

Dr. Cox, while you're fury-gathering,

let me just say
that if Alan goes to rehab...

He will do nothing

except figure out how to steal enough
paper-cup shooters of mouthwash

to get one last desperate buzz on.

His job is to leave here and die.

Your job is to listen
to every word I say at all times,

and here's the hard part,
actually do those things.

So in the future
when I tell you to do nothing,

I mean nothing.

And in case that is still not clear...

Nothing.

I thought being a doctor
was about helping people.

It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up
my third-grade teacher

who said I'd never amount to anything.
Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson.

And rest in peace.

All right, I didn't want to play hardball,

but if you don't try to change
Dr. Cox's mind about Alan,

I will never call you Dr. D ever again.

- Even in the quad?
- Especially in the quad.

I'll go talk to Dr. Cox right now.

Dr. Cox said he'll sign the paper

if you can raise the money
to send Alan to a rehab center.

- Dr. D, you rock.
- And sometimes I roll.

You two clowns convinced me
to put myself out there

and Drew shot me down.

Why'd you have to go
mess up my little island?

Why'd you push me towards Drew?

- He just seems like a nice guy.
- Based on what?

- Want the rest of my nachos?
- Oh, hell, yeah!

You like him
'cause he shared old bar food?

Turk and I met over a blooming onion.

I like to think of it as a metaphor
for our relationship,

because it's delicious,
but not really so healthy.

I will hurt you, little man.

She's like a Gremlin.

You all right, little lady?

I'm just trying to raise money
for a patient,

but it's not going so great.

You know, back in the day,
when I did security for Bell Biv DeVoe...

- Hey, boss.
- Shut up.

Copy that.

Anyway, they did their charity car wash
a little differently.

Come on, Lucy.
I won the McAllister Prize in biology.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all real smart.
Now it's time to get wet.

- Wow. Where do I get in line?
- Where's your car?

What car? Full-body-wax-five.
Buff away, ladies.

You know, I don't mean to sound
too forward,

but there's someone at the hospital

- who's really digging you.
- Are you hitting on me?

Because I already went through
my bald, black dude phase.

Seriously, I did.

I'm talking about you and Denise.

Why are you talking about
me and Denise?

Because of the other night
when we shared the nachos.

Dude, we're nach-bros. Come on.

And that's a special bond,
one which I cherish.

I just think you should go for yours.

Go for yours

You don't know me.
I spent the last year

in the Alaskan wilderness
living in a yurt.

The only human contact I had

was an Eskimo boy who sold me
salmon jerky and painkillers.

And do you know why?

Because when I flunked out
of med school before,

I consequently torched
every relationship

that meant anything to me.
I'm not taking that chance again.

What's a yurt?

You know, son,
I was married to my Enid for 44 years.

And now she's gone.

And the only reason I teach is so
I don't have to be alone in my house.

You can't wall yourself off
from other people.

- You won't make it.
- That's some truth being dropped there.

Great. So how about you two clear out?

Cindy here's three martinis in,
and I'm about to land that marlin.

- Uh...
- Oh!

Damn, she was good to go.

Remember, Alan, you can do it.

Can't thank you enough.

I knew
I'd just changed Alan's life,

but I wasn't gonna make a big deal
out of it.

Lifetime presents
Antonio Sabato Jr. As Alan the drunk.

- A man this broken...
- I'm just really broken.

...needs a woman this strong...
- You can do this, Alan.

...with a mentor who cares so much.
- God, I care so much.

I guess this is goodbye.

No, we can't.

- I know you're a doctor.
- I'm a med student, damn it.

- Lucy...
- Shh.

Antonio Sabato Jr.,
my safely ethnic dreamboat.

Over the next few days, I stayed proud
of myself for helping Alan.

And I wasn't naive,
I knew he had a long road ahead,

but maybe, just maybe...

Having someone believe in him
was all he needed.

Have I got something to show you.

Honestly, I can't think of anything

that could make this moment
more delicious.

- Alan?
- Who are you?

More delicious. I love when movies end
the way you hope they will.

- You saw this coming?
- Everyone saw this coming.

- Not Dr. D.
- Really?

Would you like to know the deal

your precious Dr. D made with me
in my office?

If I agree to do this,

you have to promise
that I'll get to be there

to witness the devastation
wash over her hopeful face.

- I'll do what I can.
- Then I'm in.

He even bet me a triple C-note
that Alan here wouldn't make it a week.

- I don't believe you.
- Hey, Big Per,

I want my winnings in all fives.

Or my own "Number One" sign.
Your call.

- Hey.
- How could you do that to me?

I know you can't see it right now,
but this is good for you.

Yeah, as good
as my mom's fish biscuits.

- They're bad.
- Ah.

Look, Lucy, at some point,

every doctor needs to learn
about lost causes like Alan.

I just thought
I'd come along for the ride with you.

- Why?
- Because when it happened to me,

there was no one around
to talk to me about it after.

If you're gonna survive as a doctor,

you have to stop trying
to change things you can't change.

So, I'm supposed to never try and help
anybody like Alan?

No, because if you're gonna survive
as a person,

you can never stop trying
to change things you can't change.

- My head hurts.
- Get used to it.

I just wanted Alan to end up okay.

You're doing good.

I think what Dr. Dorian
was saying,

although it's never that clear with him,

is that you have to keep
putting yourself out there

and just hope
that you get something back.

Hey, Stick.

- What's your last name?
- Mahoney.

I like that.

So, you still want
to grab that beer and talk?

Not really.

- But I will.
- Great.

I got you something.

- Is that Cole's mom?
- Yeah. I introduced them.

- You're gonna hit that, aren't you?
- Like a big rig with no brakes.

- Wow, that was disgusting.
- Yeah.

- Let's get out of here, huh?
- Yeah, I could use a drink.

- I don't really drink anymore.
- That's cool, you can drive.

- Don't really drive, either.
- You're weird. I like that.

Here's to a giant mistake.

Oh, snap, we called it

He's on her island

Where they make babies
Under the palm trees

Yo, let's go lower

I can't go lower
Let's just be robots

- Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep...
- Guys, come on.

Don't interrupt us

Here comes her boyfriend
He don't look happy

It's okay, guys, I like your singing

We'll be a trio

And tour the country