Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 13 - Our Thanks - full transcript

The med students are thankful when Cole identifies his true calling.

They say that by the end
of your first semester in med school,

it's already obvious
what kind of doctor you'll end up being.

- Him.
- Who, Trang?

- Yep.
- Man.

Small hands, great with the ladies.

No, more like a shopping mall
pretzel vendor. Next.

Maybe emergency medicine.

- Nope. Pediatrics.
- There it is.

- What's up?
- Hello.


Man, you're so lucky
to have someone like Drew.

I wish I could find a stud wannabe
surgeon to take under my wing.

I've been making a play
for this guy right here, Clint,

but he's too cool and aloof.

- See you in class, Dr. Turk.
- Not if I see you first! Ha!

We gonna kick it.

He's going to think I'm lame.

You are lame.

All right then, listen up, murderers.

As you know, we are approaching
the end of the semester.

The Ceremony of Thanks
is quickly approaching.

That's where you publicly thank
the friends and families

of the cadavers
you've been dissecting this semester.

It's actually a pretty sweet deal
for them.

After their loved ones are stripped
for parts like a 1998 Mitsubishi Mirage,

we treat them to some free cold cuts

and a chance to listen to you
regurgitate some trite quotes

about their family members' sacrifice
that you found on the Internet.

Oh! Yeah. Heads up
to all you white people out there.

Reciting a Maya Angelou poem
in an old black lady's voice?

Not cool, okay?

Cole, talking to you. Talking to you.

What are you cooking?
I can smell it from next door.

It's a wild mushroom and shrimp risotto
I learned to make

while working at a hostel in Naples.

- Risotto. It's gay for rice, right?
- Yeah. Shrimp's gay for chicken.

- Hey, should we get married today?
- What?

We've been dating for four months.
I mean, it's pretty good, right?

Let's stop screwing around
and just get it over with. Who cares?

Okay, obviously, your diet
of power bars and boxed wine

has scrambled your brain.

We got a great thing going here,
you know? Why mess with it?

Yeah, you're probably right.
It was just an idea.


Let's make a baby instead.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I'm on my birth control, I think.


How great is this cadaver ceremony
going to be?

We have to start planning what
we're going to do for you-know-who.

You know he can't actually hear you.
He is a corpse.

I am just excited to honor his memory.

I don't see what the big deal is.

People die in third-world countries
all the time and no one cares.

Since when did you become
so political?

Since my boy, Trent,
went on a surf vacation to El Salvador

and got a tattoo infection.

He had to die with a partial mermaid
on his shoulder.

It just looked like a regular stupid lady.
Where was his ceremony?

Am I the only one that cares
about doing something nice for Ben?

- Lucy, it's not that we don't care.
- I actually do not care.

It's just that, with the semester ending,
we all have a lot on our plate,

and the cadaver ceremony
didn't make the top of the list.

Guys, just do me a favor, okay?

Come up with one thing that's
important to you about Ben. That's it.

Could be a poem or
a lightly choreographed dance number.

Don't be afraid to go modern.
I think Ben would appreciate it.

Fine. Or you could just bring
some pretzels or something.

Well, Cole, everything looks great.

Two weeks out, the wound's healed.

Test results came back clean.
Your cancer's gone.

It's so crazy.

You know, I've always known
that a surgeon might hook me up

with some sweet calf implants
or a robot arm.


But I never thought
one would save my life.

Not going to lie,
surgeons are pretty awesome.

Hey, Dr. T, do you believe in fate?

You know, like the stuff they talk about
during the boring parts of Lost?

Well, I was thinking
that maybe I got cancer for a reason.

Like somebody up there is telling me
that I'm supposed to be a surgeon.

Cole, you don't want to be a surgeon.

Now, just a second there, Gandhi.

You've been looking for a protege and
the good Lord answered your prayers.

Dr. T, I would kill to be your protege.

You don't want
to be a surgeon, Cole, okay?

It's boring and it sucks.

It's the complete opposite
of a waterslide.

Dr. Turk is right. You'd hate it.

All the blood and guts,
it's like an amazing horror movie.

I love horror movies.

Sure, but you'd have to wear
a mask like a ninja.

And who wants to do that?

Last Halloween, I was a slutty ninja.

Oh! This is going to be awesome!

I'm more sure
about wanting to be a surgeon

than I've ever been
about anything, ever.

Okay, I gotta go
update my Facebook status,

but then I'm going to come back
and I'm going to start shadowing you,

and I'm never going to leave your side.

- You're happy, aren't you?
- I don't know about happy,

but darn it all,
I feel alive for the first time,

and that's nice, so nice.

All right, I am so excited to see
what we've all written about Ben.

Pass them up.

Really? Nothing?

Thank you, Drew.

This is a receipt for a pair of pants.

Yeah. Well, I didn't want
to leave you hanging.

And I'm going to need that back.

I'm probably
going to return those pants.

They were skinny jeans
and I couldn't pull them off.

Literally took me, like, an hour
to pull them off.

Guys, we've gotta come up
with something good.

The other groups are way ahead of us.

They think they're so bad-ass
just 'cause Ron had a vestigial tail

and spinal meningitis.

Ben could have had that tail.
He's just not a show-off like Ron.

Cole, you're all up under me.
You need to back up, all right?

I mean, you smell great,

but I don't think I should know that
about you.

Yeah, no, I'm sorry, Dr. T.

It's just I'm so psyched
about this surgery thing.

I already know what I'm going to call
my surgical practice, "Cole Cutz."

- With a "Z"?
- That's right.

Man, you gotta knock
before you enter Cole's brain.

Okay. Well, why don't you go upstairs
and get me some stuff?

- Yeah, yeah. What kind of stuff?
- Everything that's up there.

- Done.
- All right.


Don't worry about Cole, all right?
He never sticks with anything.

He said he was going to learn
a new bone in the body every day,

until he figured out that the penis
wasn't actually one of them and quit.


Just be tough on him. He'll bail.

So, you want to be a surgeon, huh?

Well, then you need to understand
that it's not about glamour or money

or even making
a great mix CD for the OR.

Surgery is long, tedious and boring.

I get it. Like episodes of Entourage
that revolve around Turtle.

Sometimes you have to stand
totally still

and stay completely lasered in,

even if it means just holding this clamp
because this clamp right here,

this clamp could keep someone alive.

That's what you're going to practice
right now.

- You think you can handle it?
- I'll stay here as long as it takes.

I'll even cancel my 5:30
at the tanning salon.

Cole, you had skin cancer,
like, yesterday.

Just hold the damn clamp.

What the...

There you are.
Can you believe this?

Apparently, there was water damage
in the wall or something.

Yeah, I heard about that.

Some guy upstairs
cracks his head open in the shower,

lies there for four hours,
and we gotta pay the price.

You think they'll be able to fix it?

It could be kind of cool, right?

I mean, instead of my crappy room
and your crappy room,

we could have one giant crappy suite.

I mean, it'd be kind of
like we're living together, you know?


Yeah, that's exactly what it'd be like.

Exactly. Exactly like that.


I was really excited

because I'd done
a bunch of research about Ben's life,

and I couldn't wait
to share it with the group.

Cole, did you know Ben was president

of the Association
for Independent Dry Cleaners

for the mid-Atlantic region
from 1973 to 1976?

Woman! Can't you see I'm in surgery?

Uh... No. Can other people see that?

Look, I'm sorry,
I don't have time for this.

Go bother Drew.

Okay, now,
I know you're not excited about Ben,

but would it change things at all

if I told you that he had
a time-share in Myrtle Beach?

Wow! So, he got to spend
two weeks a year, one of them off-peak,

in South Carolina's third most popular
vacation destination?

- Game-changer.
- Heads up.


So, you're bringing
some of your stuff in. Good.

Yeah, I'm just going to keep this
on your bed for a while

since we always sleep in mine anyway.

And until they fix the hole,
I figure this area could kind of be like

a den I hangout I
place where we have dirty sex

on top of my hockey equipment.

Honey, Lucy's here.

I'm sorry, I should clarify.
The sex is actually pretty vanilla.

It's the hockey equipment that's dirty.

God, I am liking this.

- Yeah. Yeah, me, too.
- I'll be back in a jiff.


I don't like this at all.
I like things clean and simple.

Everything I own is in that box.

A hat, some ramen and a car battery?
Don't you have personal things?

Had that car battery a long time.

Cole, I totally forgot about you.
Have you been standing here all day?

I don't know.
I can't read old-people clocks.

And you haven't moved once,
not even to pee?

No. I learned a trick at keggers when
there's a long line at the bathroom.

Let a little out, let it dry.
Little out, let it dry.

Didn't I say that he has what it takes
to be a surgeon?

Beyond the blind sense of entitlement
and complete lack of human empathy,

there's the empty-headed

the unjustifiable arrogance
and the sheer willingness

to stand in one place
and wet yourself like a zoo elephant.

That's awe-inspiring stuff.

Thank you, Dr. C.
I proved myself, right?

- So, let's go open a brother up.
- First of all, why it gotta be a brother?

And second of all, a surgeon has to
have a delicate touch and steady hand.

Now, I want you to take these tweezers

and remove the fortune from this cookie
without breaking it.

I can do that. Check out these brows.

I know my way around
a pair of tweezies.

Is it bright? Is it bright? Is it too bright?

Lots of distractions in surgery.
Blood everywhere.

And out of nowhere,
there could come a noise

to just break your concentration.

A drum line in the OR? What?

- Done.
- Hmm?

Somebody snare me.

I want you to imagine
these bears were in a horrible accident,

like a bus crash.

And before you ask, no, I don't know
why the bears were on a bus.

Maybe they're super-smart government
bears on their way to fight terrorism.

Anyway, all you need to do is sew
one of these bad boys up before me,

and I'll know you have the skills
to be a surgeon.

- Are we clear?
- As a vodka-tonic.

I'm really disappointed in you guys.

All you had to do was write
one measly, little line about Ben,

and you couldn't handle that.
What are we going to do about this?

We're not going to do anything.
We gotta bounce.

- Maya's treating me to dinner.
- Yeah.

- It's Vietnamese Valentine's Day.
- It's not real.

Yeah, I gotta go, too.

I gotta figure out what I'm going to do
about the giant hole in my wall.

Sadly, that's not a metaphor.

Stop! You guys,
we've only been here one semester

and we're already becoming jaded.

Before Ben was our homework,
he was a real human being with a job

and a wife and a son, Eric,
who's going to be here tomorrow.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

Saying how you feel
can be tricky.

Some people will do anything
to hide their true emotions...

What's the big surprise?


- A curtain.
- Yeah.

I put this in
so we can maintain our separate zones.

What if I want to come see my stuff?

That's the best part.
It's all back in your closet.

So, cool. We're good.
What do you want to do tonight?

Want to get married? Ha-ha.

Remember that?

...while others have no problem telling
you exactly what's on their mind.

- Done!
- I'm not even close.

Man, that bear's in bad shape.
That's sad, Cole.

Looks like being a surgeon
is just not for you.

And sometimes you're so excited
to tell someone your feelings...

Excuse me.
Are you Ben Coleman's son?

- Yeah.
- Hi, I'm Lucy Bennett.

We worked with your father
in our anatomy class.

And I'm sort of in charge
of our group's tribute to him.

And I just wanted to know if there's
anything you wanted us to include.

...that you never consider
they might not feel the same way.

Well, how about
that he was a miserable, horrible dad,

who pretty much ruined my childhood,

and I'm only here
to see him put in the ground?

I guess I could work that in.

Over the next 20 minutes,

Eric regaled me with
horrible stories about Ben.

He was never around when I was a kid.

He cheated on my mom.

He didn't call me for 20 years.

Okay, but you gotta admit
he was an excellent bowler.

I found a photo from when he rolled
that perfect game on June 16, 1976.

So, that's where he was
on my seventh birthday.


Dr. Cox, I don't know what I'm gonna do
about this ceremony. I had this whole...

No sitting.

Can't you see I'm reading
a very important chart here?

A British tabloid?

This chart functions as my shield

to protect me
from those who would annoy me.

- Hey, Dr. C.
- Shield on.

See what you've done?

You have destroyed
the shield-like power of my chart.

I guess starting tomorrow
I'll be shadowing you again.

I decided
that surgery's not really my thing.

No, no.
You are supposed to be with Dr. Turk.

Where is Dr. Turk?

Gandhu, step away from
the pizza pastry, would you, please?

Yeah, but the chemicals taste better
when it's hot, so...

Fair enough. I've come to clear up
a point of confusion.

This is what a protege should look like.

It is an empty vessel
that I'm filling with knowledge.

I also get to hold stuff.

Cole didn't have what it takes, all right?
We surgeons are an elite crew.

Really? Say, Todd, do me a favor.

Would you tell me
what that wonderful new invention is

you've been working on?

It's a series of erotic novelty wines.

Chardonn-gay, Sauvignon Donk,
Teeny-Weeny Peni Grigio.

Patent-pending five. Drink up, boys.

Yes, indeedy, sweetie.

You surgeons truly are
the chosen ones.

Come on, he wasn't even serious
about it. I bet he's already moved on.

Actually, he hasn't. He's still practicing.

I can fix it.

And the worst part is I had to stay
in that room for 17 horse funerals.

Okay, so young Cole may not be
an ideal protege.

He may not even be an ideal human.

Nevertheless, you don't get to pick
who needs you as a mentor.

Do you realize, for the last eight years,

I've been saddled
with a whiny, clingy lady-man

whose very life force
was dependent on hugs?

And now, of course,
I have young Drew.

And although he may be filled
with a bubbling rage

that I fear cannot be contained
very much longer,

at least he doesn't need me
to hold his hand

when he speaks of love
and his true feelings.

The point is
we don't always get to choose

who deserves and who wants our help.
That's it.

Why you gotta always ruin
pastry time?

Perfectly good pastry.

- Dr. Cox, can I ask you something?
- Yes.

When you're in love,
how do you set aside your fears

so that you can just dive in
and follow your heart?

Oh, dear God, Drew, not you.

It's happening again.
It's happening again.

Ben, I am very upset with you.
You tricked me.

All old and cute on the outside
and horrible and cruel on the inside.

I was planning
an amazing tribute for you,

stories and poems
and a dozen purple balloons

to signify a cluster of grapes.

Well, now I'm going to pop them

so they look like raisins, nature's
saddest fruit, all shriveled and dry.

Hey. Stop being weird.

I'm trying to eat my sandwich
around some corpses.

- Why are you eating lunch in here?
- Why are you yelling at a dead guy?

See, we all got a lot of questions.

I'm yelling at Ben because I made
this really beautiful tribute for him,

and it turns out he was a jerk.

- So? Did he have all his parts?
- Yeah.

Were you able
to slice through his tendons,

sift through his lower intestines
and study the anatomy

- of his right hepatic flexure?
- Yes.

Then he was exactly
who he was supposed to be.

Who cares if he was a jerk in real life?

You have to learn to adjust

when your expectations
don't match the reality,

whether it's about the present state
of a relationship...

- What are you doing?
- I'm taking down the curtain.

Sorry I was such a jerk.

It's just sometimes
the tiniest changes terrify me,

and I just need a little time
to process things,

but eventually I come around.

Is this a sledgehammer?

Is what a sledgehammer?

This sledgehammer.

You're the one
who put the hole in the wall.

I may have.

Look, I mean,
room and board is expensive.

I think that we should live together
next year.

So, this was my way
of easing you into it, you know,

getting you comfortable with the idea.

I'm curious to see whether it worked.

- This is where you say...
- I'm in love with a sociopath?

Wrong. Yes or no.

I mean, it's your life. Sort of.


...or your expectations
about a person's future.

Hey, Cole, you got a sec?

Listen, I've been thinking about it
and, amazingly enough,

the same things
that make you a complete douche

also give you the potential
to be a good surgeon.

So, it'd be an honor to teach you,

if that's something you really want.

It might be the first thing
I've ever really wanted.

Don't get all mushy, all right?

Or even your expectations
about somebody's past.

I met Ben
on my first day of med school

at a moment when I wasn't really sure
if I would make it.

But the truth is,
I didn't really know Ben.

In life, I'm sure he had his faults,
but in death, he did great things.

He brought us together
and helped us realize

that we couldn't do it all on our own.

He gave us the confidence
to believe in ourselves.

And he gave his body
so that we could become doctors.

And for that, we thank him.

Oh! Come on!

Hey, Clint. So, what you got planned
this weekend?

- Just going to see the Eels.
- Really?

You're a member of the aquarium, too?
Those annual fees are so worth it.

My daughters and I,
we love the sea turtles.

They're slow in the body,
but fast in the mind, right?

Lightning fast!

Yeah, I was actually talking
about the band, the Eels.


Rock music!

Rock... What am I doing?