Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 9, Episode 1 - Our First Day of School - full transcript

J.D., Turk, Drs. Cox and Kelso and Intern Denise return to Sacred Heart to teach med school while new med students Lucy, Drew, Cole and Maya are put through the ringer on their first day of school.

Sacred Heart.
Eight years of great memories.

This place will live forever.

They tore down the old crappy hospital

and rebuilt it
on the med school campus.

I'm just back to teach some classes.

First, though, I need to do
my morning good-luck ritual.

And seven. That's one good-luck kiss
for every month you've been in there.

- Are you done yet?
- Not yet.

And thank you for making
Mommy's boobs so much bigger.

They're almost jugs.

Seriously, I think I can
probably rest them on your head.

- Check it out.
- Okay.

Yeah. Whoa, talk about
a 10-gallon hat.

How cool is that?

Donny, no questions right now, okay?
This is private.

- They're still looking.
- I said this is private! Turn around!

- That was heavy.
- Hey, do good today.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I can still feel them on my head.

How sweet is he?

Part of me hates
how familiar this seems.

I hope I can find a way
to make this all feel new.

Oh, my God,
the first day of med school.

Everything is so new.
I mean, just look at all these people

who don't know
that I used to wear a back brace.

I can look left.

Yep, new sights, new sounds,
even new smells.

- Kiwi.
- What?

- I smell kiwi.
- Yeah, it's my shampoo.

- I love kiwis, okay?
- I love them, too.

Actually that's not true. They're hairy.
They look like monkey nuts.

Don't smell people. It's weird.

- I'm Lucy.
- I don't care.

Regroup, Lucy. Find an ally.

- Hi. I'm Lucy.
- Cole.

Hey, after class
you want to go somewhere

and get weird with each other?

I feel like you skipped a few steps.

Hey, come on.
You already know if you're in or out.

So, what's the deal, girl?

Not interested.

Medicine is...

Well, it's a dead career.

Thanks to insurance companies
and malpractice lawyers,

you have absolutely no hope of finding
a rewarding or satisfying profession

in this once-noble field.

The only exception to this very
true rule is the following.

If you are lucky enough to go
to a great medical school,

then, my children, you got a real shot.

Unfortunately, you're all screwed,

because to call this particular school
a craphouse

would be
an honest-to-God compliment.

Plus, I'm the only teacher here
worth a damn

and I already hate
each and every one of you.

Would you like to know why?

Well, it turns out you're not actually
medical students at all.

You are all murderers and assassins
that have been sent here

to try to kill my patients.

Here's the bottom line. If you do
get a good, clean kill on a patient,

go ahead and take a pinkie
or an ear as a trophy.

I get that, I do.
But, please, also know this.

I'm ready for you, have been for a while.

So watch your ass. Good day.

Okay, I hope everyone enjoyed
orientation with Dr. Cox.

I'm Dr. Mahoney, your student advisor.

Here's some crappy pizza.
Commence feeding.

You joining us, Gramps?

You know, 'cause you're old
for a med student.

They told me to give out fun nicknames
for team building.

- It's working.
- Look, uh, Drew,

I don't like dealing with, well, people,

and all these kids
obviously look up to you.

I've never spoken
to any of these people.

I can still feel a bond.

And I thought, why don't you deal with
the whiny emotional stuff,

and in return, I will let you do that.

Look, just let me fly under the radar.


I guess I should answer
any annoying questions you all have.

Yeah, Monkey Nuts.

I just wanted to thank you, on behalf
of all of us, for getting us pizza.

There, smelling incident fixed.

Yeah, they gave me money to do it,

along with free room and board
to attend to your emotional needs.

Speaking of which,
little administrative thing.

If you're going to kill yourself,
I'm looking at you, Sad Eyes,

do it off-campus
because it's a butt-load of paperwork.

All right, everyone, pay attention,
because my spleen is right here.

Whoops, that feels more like
my private-time area.

Wouldn't it be easier if you could see
what you were doing?

This is the way I'm doing it, Cole.

Or maybe you're just uncomfortable

because it's a black man's head
on a fake white man's body.

That's right, people,
it just got real up in here.

In my class, you will each be graded
by the color of your skin.

If you're white, raise your hand.


- There he is.
- Yes!

- Turk! Up here!
- Dude, what the hell are you doing?

I thought it'd be more dramatic
if we spotted each other from afar,

and then ran to see each other!

But now, if we meet in the middle,

we'll wind up
somewhere inside the hospital,

and this really feels like
more of an outside thing.

If you count to 10 before you run,

I should be able to get downstairs
and over to you!

I'm already counting!

Three, four...

- Hey, Dr. Turk.
- Not now, Denise.

- Turk!
- I'm late, gotta go.

Let's go, it's guy love

Don't compromise
the feeling of some other guy

Holding up your heart into the sky

I'll be there to care
through all the lows

I'll be there to share the highs

It's guy love between two guys

Mmm, you smell like prison.

When was the last time
you guys saw each other?

This morning. We carpooled.

But we haven't worked together
in over a year.

You know what I'd like to do now?

Is it go to Vermont
and make this thing legal?

Talk to the hand. Remember that?

Eagle! Oh, hey, Perry.

I'm really looking forward
to teaching with you.

Onward, eagle!

Oh, good God.

So, that's what you're going to wear
to teach?

I'll have you know,
this is the very jacket

worn by Michelle Pfeiffer
in Dangerous Minds.

All I had to do
was sew these elbow patches on

and take the shoulder pads out.

By the way, whatever happened
to the Janitor?

Oh, dude, it was the day after you left.

When's that little buddy of yours
coming back?

He's never coming back.
He's gone for good.

- He's right here, isn't he?
- Where would I be hiding him?

- But he's coming back...
- No.

...after his vacation.
- No.

And no one ever saw him again.

- Dr. Kelso? What are you doing here?
- I'm teaching a couple of classes.

J.D.'s going to teach here, too.

Oh, Turk, sometimes I'll teach them,
sometimes they'll teach me.

But we're always
gonna inspire each other.

You're still such an odd little fruit.

Is that a woman's jacket?

- No, it's a men's small.
- Yes, it's actually a jacket

- from Dangerous Minds.
- He doesn't need to know that.

Dr. Kelso, I heard about Enid's passing.

- I'm so sorry.
- Well, you bottom out,

and then you persevere.

I feel like I can say the worst is over.

- How long ago did she pass?
- About two days.


- I'm a frequent flier.
- Congrats, I guess.

No, no, no. That means
I'm in and out of the hospital a lot.


- Ben. Ischemic bowel disease.
- Lucy. I'm a med student.

- You look like you could use a grape.
- Thanks, Ben, I really could.

No stealing food from patients.

Gather around, murderers.
Gather around.

I saw that. Spit it out.

Now, eat it again.
At least we know you're a good listener.


You should all follow 19's lead.

And I call her 19
because instead of using your names,

I am going to go by
where you currently rank in my head.

Now, who can tell me

what artery goes above the optic
chiasm to the cerebral hemispheres?

Supermodel in the back.

I'm fairly
certain it's the anterior cerebral artery.

- What?
- The anterior cerebral artery.

I'm not understanding
a word that she's saying.

And, people, I can teach anyone.
You just gotta speak English.

- I'm Australian.
- Still not getting it.

Everyone, leave.

- I'm sorry about the grape thing.
- Don't sweat it, 42.

Is my number going down
because I'm talking to you?

- Why was Michael in my room?
- His name isn't Michael.

Well, he has a weird Serbian name
that I can't say,

so I'm calling him Michael. He loves it.

- I don't. My name is Ilyavich.
- Mike, just go.

Young Michael informed me
that you told everyone to come to me

- with their personal problems.
- Yeah, I did.

I checked on you.

You've already been to med school
once already when you were 21,

and you didn't just flame out.
You like... You went nuclear.

- Seriously, how was prison?
- It was cold.

You couldn't just let me be.

Well, I'm gonna take the high road
and not mention your mannish voice

and all the pictures you have in here
of your friends.

Tell me, which one's your BFF?

- You are a giant douche.
- I know.

- Wanna take a shower together?
- Fine.

You know, you think you're so hot,
but I'm not a fan.

Hey, I'm not happy
about this, either, okay?

Lights, camera, teach.

Welcome to internal medicine, gang.

My name is Dr. John Dorian.

- Hey, should we be taking notes?
- That's a good question, fellow.

What I'll tell you is,
I don't like to really stop.

That ruins my flow.

So, what I'm gonna do
is give a subtle nod, like so,

as a signal, okay?
Now, back to my name.

I prefer "Dr. D," or in a pinch,
"Dr. Dizzle,"

- but if you see me out in the quad...
- There is no quad.

I'm not a big fan of the TAs
doing a lot of speaking, Denise. Okay?

Wait, wait.
That was an accidental nod, you guys.

No note-taking. No note-taking, okay?

Now, if you see me out in the quad,

I want you to think of me
as more than your teacher.

I'm also your friend, all right?

Okay, we're definitely gonna need
a new signal for the note-taking thing.

This guy's trying to die on me again.
Who wants to play patient roulette?

Please not me, please not me.

It ain't no use running, little girl!

First one bringing me a med student
gets a juicy bone. He gets a juicy bone.

You go get them! Woo!

Ninety-one, here's how we play.

I'm not gonna do anything
to help this dying man

until you answer
these three very simple questions.

What is it called when a blood clot

occludes a branch
of the pulmonary artery?

What is it called when tuberculosis
affects the spine?

And what was the name
of the African NBA center

who did this
whenever he blocked a shot?

Ooh, I'd hurry. His heart's slowing down.

And he's dead.

Not because of you. I'm not insane.

He was dead
when we walked over here.

But just a stunningly horrible job,

All right, we finally found
a signal that works. Jazz hands, love it.

Guys, tomorrow you'll be
divided into groups

and you'll be given your cadavers.

So, great first day, everybody.
Who wants to keep this party going?

If so, meet me back here at 6:00.
I will have beers, on me.

Everyone, take a mix CD
on their way out.

For those of you who are fans
of a young Ms. Miley Cyrus,

I recommend the green ones.
She's heavily featured.

- Dr. Cox...
- Professor.

- Professor Cox...
- Actually, it's both.

- Doctor-Professor Cox?
- Yes?

Sometimes I feel like
you're not even trying to teach me.

I'm not.

I generally don't waste time
on people who aren't going to make it.

Oh! Thanks.


- Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
- What do you want?

Well, I get the whole trial-by-fire thing,
and you're wonderful at it, really.

- Don't ever touch me.
- Sorry. Um...

But you seem to go out of your way
to pick on the weakest kids.

Maybe you could, I don't know,
not do that.

Thank you for the feedback.
It's invaluable.

- You don't mean that, do you?
- I don't.

And since you don't see yourself
as one of the weak ones,

maybe a good solution would be
for me to unload

my years of rage and frustration
and pain onto your head,

and your head alone.

Are we locked down to that,
or can we keep spitballing here?

- Very locked in.
- Looking forward to it.


Not you. Just, something I say
whenever I'm pissed.

And when I'm with a whore.

- Whoa.
- None of them showed up.

I got us all these
glow-in-the-dark necklaces

so we wouldn't lose each other
when we were out on the town.

It's their first day of med school.
Come on, you remember how we were.

- Nerds!
- Losers!

I feel so alive.

Everybody at that party had sex.

Come on, let's go get a beer.


We all go through life worrying
about what other people think of us.


aren't those your students
in there with Kelso?

Man, I must be the worst teacher ever.

The truth is, the harshest words
are the ones we say about ourselves.

- Are you okay, sweetie?
- No, Ben.

I don't belong here.

I was so depressed yesterday.

To cheer myself up,
I made what I think is a great decision.

Sometimes, one perfect night
can change your whole outlook on life.

Yep, I've got a good feeling
about this guy.

Hey, darling, I'm Dr. Cole.
I'll be your physician.

So, what are we dealing with here?
"Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma."

- Giant drag.
- Hey.

Come here.

Hope you enjoyed
your last day of med school.

- Yeah, I don't see it.
- I'm sorry, what?

You know that bust you pass on your
way to pick up your tiny paycheck?

Notice any resemblance?
Symmetric features, strong jaw?

Yeah, that's my pop-pop.
Paid for this whole building.

So here's the skinny. I'm Teflon.

You can fire bullets at me if you want,
but be careful.

When they ricochet off me,
they sometimes hit other people.

Puh-ching. Puh-ching.

Hey, don't "puh-ching" me.

- Puh-ching.
- Don't you "puh-ching" me!

My dad always says
every day is a new day,

so today
I'm gonna be confident, strong,

and nothing will knock me
off my game.

Who am I kidding? I'm doomed.

- Has anyone seen the crash cart?
- It's over by Bed 4.

Now, can you make that out?

I think I heard the words "bear fight,"
but that makes no sense.

You're right, that's super fun.
I love doing things with you.

Thanks, Perry, I needed that.

I'm having a little trouble
getting my teacher groove going.

Maybe you suck at it.

Why do you have to lash out, Perry?

Stay open for business in here.
In your heart-cage.

I guess I'm just tired of weeding out
the weak to protect the rest of the herd

like I always do.

Maybe you could mix it up a little.

Try investing emotionally
in one of them.

A kid stood up to me just the other day,

and I kind of felt connected to him.

Good, good, good.

I'm sure you probably knew him
for all of 30 seconds.

It's not like I tried for eight years
or anything to get your love.

I thought we were over this.

I'm drowning here.
I wish there was just someone

who could fly up
and rescue me from all this.

I feel like I'd get back on track

if I could just find one student
to connect with.

One kid that really needs me.

I mean, that's what it's all about, right?
Reaching out.

- What's your name?
- Drew.

I'm taking an interest in you. Carry on.

- That's not good for me, is it?
- Drew, you know I don't care.

Come on, grab me like a man.
Let's do this.

What up, Dizzle?

You dropped something. I got it.

I'm not always a believer
in serendipity,

but sometimes the world
just brings things together.

- I was chasing that, so it's mine.
- It's a naked picture of me.

It fell out of that Cole kid's notebook.

Oh, don't be sad. It's just... Oh! Wow!

That is a very graphic
naked picture of you.

You know, we're gonna go over
a lot of that stuff in class.

So don't worry about it.
I shouldn't have looked.

I'm both a married man
and a beloved professor.

I know, you're Dr. Dorian.

This area's technically the quad,
so it's J.D.

- Lucy.
- Nice to meet you, Lucy.

Don't let him leave.
Say something, Lucy.

J. D?

- Can I help you with something?
- Dr. Cox is all over me. I can't take it.

Come with me. Come with me.

Lucy, to win at the game of Perry Cox,
you have to stand up to him.

He just wants to know that
you're strong enough to survive here.

So you need to go ahead
and show him.

Doctor... Doctor-Professor Cox,

I actually knew the answers
to all your questions.

Check it out.

Pulmonary embolism. Pott's disease.
And Dikembe Mutombo.

That's fabulous. I don't care.

It's just that you kept yelling

and you had that vein thing
popping out the side of your head.

There it is.

And sometimes I get nervous
under pressure

and I forget basic...

You know, the things that you speak.

- Words?
- Yes! Words. People speak words.

Look, when you have a patient
coding on the table,

what, are you gonna tell
the whole room to stop screaming

- so that you don't get nervous?
- No.

Ooh, I know that face. You're a crier.

You cry.

I have not cried once
in my entire adult life,

and I am not gonna start now
because of you.

We'll see.

Be strong.

And Dr. Cox,

if you do make me cry,
it won't be a big deal, because I lied.

I cry all the time.

Oh, good God.

Little victories count for a lot
around here,

even if you never asked to win
in the first place.

I am now going to expect more from you

than I've expected
from a med student, ever.


And you have to enjoy
those nice moments while you can.

This is your group's cadaver
for the semester.

Because around here,
they never last very long.

Treat him well.

I wonder what this guy's deal was.


His name was Ben.


- Would you get off...
- Why are we whispering?

I got a little mad at that Cole kid

and I threw a blanket over his head
and then sat on him.

- He doesn't know it's me.
- What's your exit strategy?

- I haven't really thought that far ahead.
- I got a plan.

Todd, can you come here
and sit on this?


So, dude or chick?

Actually, don't ruin it.
I'm good either way.