Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 8, Episode 4 - My Happy Place - full transcript

J.D.: Life's great.

With the Janitor fired,
I can walk the halls without fear.

I don't even hesitate
around corners anymore.

But maybe I should.

L-can-feel-little-J.D. Five?

- No thanks, Todd.
- But I can and I want my five.

Plus, Elliot and I were better friends
than we'd been in a long time.

We were going to movies.

I really liked that.

Oprah produced it.

We were going out to dinner.



My salmon was great.

You know, Oprah owns that restaurant.

And on weekends when I had Sam,
she even came over for breakfast.

I could make pancakes,
or we can have Oprah O's.

And check this out.

Who wants to eat some cereal?

- That's funny.
- J.D.: That's it?

Not only did I rig this box,

but I got Whitney in Payroll
to tape her Oprah voice.

I've been working on this joke
for over a week,

and all you can muster
is a little chuckle?

- Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop.

- Who wants to eat some cereal?
- It's broken.

- Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop it!



- Who wants to eat some cereal?
- Stop, stupid box!

Okay, so I'm gonna
add a little pressure now, sir.

That's all right. It's perfectly natural.

That was you.

Yeah, I know.
But it's still perfectly natural.

Lovely.

It's your own fault.

You're the only attending
who sticks around for an entire exam

when he calls for a surgical consult.

- Why is that?
- No reason.

Oh, so you don't want to say?
That's cool.

I know you hate
that I call Carla "baby" all the time,

so I'll just call you "baby"
until you tell me.

- Does that sound good, baby?
- Don't do that.

Oh, what's the matter, baby?

Look, surgeons always
want to slice people open,

whether it's the best option or not.

No disrespect,
but you're just not that bright.

You have no idea
how to do anything else.

Unfortunately, sick people
are also very, very stupid,

and will almost always
agree to anything

that a bloodletting corpse carpenter,

such as yourself, tells them.

I simply stay in the room to make sure
they make the right choice.

So you don't trust me?

Oh, that's right.
That is an easier way to say it.

Baby! Baby!

There he is. Right on schedule.

J.D.: Maybe it was the
free muffins for life,

but Dr. Kelso still hangs out here
every day.

Morning, everybody.

- Morning, Bob.
- Morning, Bob.

I'm like Norm in this bitch.

Ted finally said
what we were all thinking.

Why are you spending your retirement

hanging around the place
you used to work?

It's so sad.

By comparison,
it almost makes my life seem...

No, still sad.

Yeah.

Seriously, don't you have anything
better to do?

Come on, people.
I've got tons of stuff going on.

I golf, I play gin with the boys.

In fact, I am just here
to stock up on muffins.

Donny, four roadies, please.

Today, Enid and I are leaving
to go spend a week in the wine country.

Of course, you know
how Enid complains.

Anyplace I take her is whine country.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Anyway, keep my table warm. Adiós.

What are you doing?

Oh, that's the sound I hear in my head
whenever people leave.

Whatever.
I will see you after work.

You should really hesitate
before going around corners.

I was thinking that earlier.

Hey, since that chief-doctor person
that fired me is gone, I'm back.

- Yay.
- I knew you'd react that way.

And since Jimmy, the overly-touchy
orderly, got his job back, too,

I took the liberty of telling him
how much you missed him.

- Hey! I missed you, too. What's new?
- Oh, nothing, man. Good...

- You seem a little clenched.
- Well...

Uh-oh. Found a treasure trove.

Where's the gold?

- Take my little pickax and get to it!
- Okay, no, no, no, no, no.

- Giggle worm!
- Okay. Okay.

- Squiggle worm!
- I'll get my own gold. Thank you.

Okay. Welcome back.

Why?

I can't do this all on my own

No, I know

I'm no Superman

I'm no Superman

- See you later, buddy.
- Hey, have a good one, guys.

No, wait. Something's wrong.
What is it?

It's Dr. Cox.
He's all up in my business. And...

Dr. Cox!

Hang in there, Bear.

How did you know that he was hurting?

Did you, like, hear it in his voice?

With Turk, I can always feel it
from his soul, like a wave of heat.

Are you gonna make a joke
about how gay that sounds?

Definitely.
I just don't have the words yet.

Well, let me know.

Hello, folks. I'm Dr. Christopher Turk.

You're right so far. Continue.

Mr. Halford, Dr. Cox tells me
that you're in need of a new kidney,

and I understand your wife
wants to be the donor.

So what do you say we run some tests
and see if she's a match, okay?

Dr. Cox said you're
the best surgeon here, so I'm fine.

- Right on. See you guys later.
- Okay.

Now, I don't understand.
If I'm the best surgeon here,

how come you're always
looking over my shoulder?

Oh, give me a break, would you?

Saying someone is "the best surgeon"

is like saying someone is the
smartest cast member of The Hills.

Let's face it. It's just not that tough
to float to the top of the surgical toilet.

Take your fellow cutter, The Todd.

Now, he is also deemed competent
enough to perform a kidney transplant

on that gentleman right there.

Yet observe.

- Say Todd, what's for lunch today?
- Not sure, bro.

This time I'll just move my lips
as if I'm speaking,

and his tiny surgeon brain will tell him

the glass is now just too darn thick
to hear through.

Can't hear you through the glass, dude.

- Wow.
- Wow, what?

It's true! You're back!

- I'm so happy.
- You don't look happy.

It's... I don't smile a whole lot,
and lately, when I try to, it hurts.

- But trust me, I'm happy.
- Return of the king, huh?

Yeah. I can't tell you how much
I've missed having you around...

Jimmy, I'm really
not comfortable with that.

Jimmy, downstairs.

No problem. See you guys later.

I'm gonna have to teach you
his command words.

Awesome.

Ow!

I'm starving. There's a Coffee Bucks
up there, let's grab something.

I've got it. The only way
that moment you had with Turk

could have been any gayer
would be if you two went home

and actually made love afterwards.

J.D.: No, Elliot. Stop!

You know I automatically picture

any visual image
someone puts in my head.

You can't do that. It's embarrassing.

J.D.: But not as embarrassing as this.

Dr. Kelso? Aren't you supposed
to be on vacation?

Crap.

Thanks for tagging in for me, Teddy.
I really need to ease myself back in.

Mopping is not like riding a bike.
That's for sure.

No problem.
Hey, Dr. Turk, did you see who's back?

- Hey.
- I know, right?

- Oh, that sucks.
- What?

It's my kidney transplant patient.
His wife's not...

I apologize. I said "what,"
but I meant "move it along."

By the way, what happened
to the janitor they hired to replace you?

We're going to have to let you go,
Marv. But, stiff upper lip.

- I'm sorry, Dr. Itor.
- Call me Jan.

- I heard he quit.
- Huh.

Mopping's hard.

You're working against yourself there.
Go faster.

I bet you can't wait
to call all your friends

and tell them how pathetic I am.

Actually, sir, we young people
are more into texting these days.

J.D., be sensitive.

Don't act like you're at a ping-pong
match between a ninja and Bigfoot.

I know that made no sense,
but he's totally there now in his head.

Look at his eyes.

- Look at that.
- He should be out for a while.

I just have a lot more free time
than I thought.

Enid and I were going to travel
all over the country,

but we don't have the cash right now.

Elliot, stop doing that!

- Well, who won the ping-pong game?
- The Sasquatch.

Then Turk and I took him to a carnival
to celebrate.

Man, that hairy bastard
loves funnel cake.

Amazing.

J.D.: Now it's time to split before
he shares something so personal

that we're trapped here forever.

We should probably get going...

The last thing I expected
was to be an old man

with no idea what the hell to do
with his life.

Tom, I'm sorry,
but Darcy was not a kidney match,

so we need to get you
on the transplant list right away

- so we can find a new donor.
- Wrong.

- You didn't even hear what I told him.
- What did you tell him?

- Well, I basically I told him...
- Wrong!

Great news, folks. I had occasion
to speak with Dr. Quinlan here.

Anyway, do you see his kidney
patient, Mr. Brinkley?

It turns out that his wife
is not a donor match for him, either.

And in the coincidence of the day,

she is a match for you, sir, and you,
Mrs. Halford, are a match for him.

We do the old switcheroo,
and everybody wins.

So when would I get my new kidney?

Mr. Brinkley has been on dialysis
for quite some time,

so Darcy, we're going to have
to get him your kidney

just as soon as possible.

And Tom, we'll schedule your surgery
for next week.

Look, Dr. Kelso,
leaving any job is tough.

I remember when my cousin
got fired from her job.

She was so depressed,
because it was the only salon in town

and all she ever wanted to do
was cut hair.

Here it comes.

J.D.: Both Dr. Kelso and I had heard
enough of Elliot's inspirational stories

to know that they invariably end
with someone killing themselves.

But then she moved...

Huh, maybe not.

...to a better place.

Or maybe so.

J.D.: Look, give yourself a little time.

You'll figure out how to be happy.
I promise.

I'm never ready for half the stuff
that people say.

Whether it's an answer
you didn't expect...

So how'd you get hired back?

I didn't. Technically, I don't work here.

...a shocker from a patient...

We've been talking,

and we don't want to trade kidneys
with the Brinkleys.

We'll go on the transplant list.

...or this.

Thanks. I really appreciate
you two trying to cheer me up.

Actually, that's wasn't unexpected,
but this was...

Well, it's nice to see you two
dating again.

J.D.: It was time to demand
an explanation.

Why would you think we're dating?

Why won't they do the kidney switch?

If you weren't hired back,
why are you here working?

I'm not. You are.

J.D. And I are just friends, Dr. Kelso.

I mean, we just like
hanging out together.

We rent movies, go on hikes.

On Sunday nights,
we do our laundry together.

Did you know
that Elliot's granny panties

are actually her granny's panties?

It's just one pair, J.D.
Excuse me for being sentimental.

So, basically, you two do everything
a normal couple does except have sex?

Exactly.

Sounds awesome.

Pardon me.
I've had nine coffees in two hours.

Time to drain.

This is a new shirt.

Hey, do you ever still think of me
in that way?

What way?

You know, in a sexual way.

Sometimes.
Do you ever think of me that way?

Sometimes. Put your shirt back on.

I'm just flipping it
so you can't see the stain.

J.D.: And then I finally said it.

Do you think maybe
we should talk about us?

Maybe we should.

And just like that, it was as if
we were off in our own little world.

My guy needs a kidney now.
Why wouldn't the Halfords say "yes"?

Because they're in no rush.

Plus, the Halfords
don't know the Brinkleys,

so they don't trust them.

We're screwed.

Awesome.

In The Todd's world, if anybody
gets screwed, it's a good thing.

Of course it is.

Look, I'm here
because I want to be here.

But don't worry,
I'm gonna get my job back.

Oh, good. What's your plan?

I just told it to you. I'm here,
therefore I will get my job back.

- You're making my head hurt.
- Now, we both know that's not me.

That's from when you were a baby
and a marble fountain fell on you.

Sometimes my mom kept my crib
in the driveway.

Mine, too. But I've lived my life
by a very specific credo.

"Everything works out for me."

There is no way this works out for us.
The Halfords are stubborn people.

I've got an idea.

If the Halfords don't trust
the Brinkleys to come through for them,

we can just
do the surgery simultaneously

and take trust out as an issue.

That guy is such a jerk.

Don't worry, he can't hear me
through the glass.

Do you want me to go first?

Elliot, I've never been able
to get over the idea of us.

I'm still crazy about you.

I don't really know
what you want me to say.

Maybe you could tell me
if you feel the same way.

Yeah.

Maybe you could say it
without sounding angry.

But J.D., you crushed me.

I mean, I gave you my love
and you threw it back in my face,

and pretty much
scarred me romantically.

I mean, now I'm doomed to a life
of gravitating to safe, boring guys

who I don't really love,

and I'm repelled by the ones
I care for deeply.

- So thank you for that.
- Look, if it helps, you hurt me, too.

Really?

There were so many times
I wanted to be with you so badly,

and you shot me down.

Like when we first met,
or when you wanted to be sex buddies.

Oh, yeah.

But that's when I found work so
overwhelming, and I didn't want you...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm sorry. We've just been down
this road so many times, you know?

I mean, seriously,
doesn't even talking about it

just make you hate yourself a little bit?

I can't tell if I'm just doing
the normal amount of hating myself,

or if I'm at a slightly higher level
of self-Ioathing.

- You're too hard on yourself.
- No, I'm not.

I'm just stupid and ugly
and I have a pig face.

Do you think we're just back
here again because we're both Ionely

and neither one of us has had
any physical contact for months?

- I've had physical contact.
- With who?

All the energy's in you.
I'm just opening the channels.

There it is. There it is.

I'd rather not talk about it.

Looks like everybody got through
with flying colors.

Well, congratulations there, Gandhi.

Your ability to bring people together
is very powerful.

Much like... Gandhi.

That means a lot to me.

Because I'm just so desperate
for your approval.

What the... What's his problem?

Is he still mad at me?

Maybe. I can't be sure.

You know, the Brinkleys never gave
the Halfords a reason to be skeptical.

Life would be so much easier
if everybody just trusted each other.

We have so much history,
most of it bad.

Yeah.

- How can we ever get past that?
- We can't.

Oh, good. That makes me feel better.

But maybe we can remember
all our pitfalls like a roadmap.

Maybe this time
we can avoid all the drama.

We don't have to be that couple

where one of us says
they're moving out of town,

the other one has to rush
to the airport to stop them.

We don't have to argue about whether
or not we were "on a break."

You watched that Friends marathon
last night, didn't you?

I did. I loved it.

The point is, Elliot, you're a lot stronger
than you used to be.

I mean, I've changed, too.
I have a beard now.

Do you still let that inner voice of yours
control you?

J.D.: This is getting too serious.
Kick her! Kick her in the head!

- Not as much.
- Hmm.

Paycheck time, everyone.

Come on, Whitney.
I like it when you do it like Oprah.

Fine.

Who wants to get a paycheck?

You get a paycheck! You get
a paycheck! You get a paycheck!

You gotta go, man.

Everyone's gonna see when
she doesn't have a check for you.

It'll be humiliating.

Look, you can't just say things
are going to work out and then they do.

That's not how the world...

- Excuse me? I didn't get mine.
- Who are you?

I'm the Janitor. See?
Actually, I'm the old janitor.

I replaced the janitor that replaced me.
So... I'm still in the system.

I'll go get you a check.

Didn't mean to cut you off, Ted.
You were saying?

Oh. Yeah, there you go. Mop it off.
Mop it off.

Mrs. Winter, this is Dr. Turk.

He's going to give you an exam

and explain all your surgical options
to you.

One second. Hey. You're leaving?

Please don't make me
have second thoughts

by asking very stupid questions.

- So, what, you trust surgeons now?
- No. I trust you.

I know we're talking, but it still feels
like we're being so careful, you know?

We're just scared.

I made so many mistakes in my life
because I was scared.

It's the reason I bailed when you said
"I love you," it's the reason...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay.

But I am scared
of ending our friendship.

What if I get hurt again?

And what if you've picked up
a new STD?

For the last time, that was not an STD.
It was a urinary tract infection,

and I got it from having sex with you
in a pond.

J.D.: Yeah, you did.

I'll tell you what else
I don't want to deal with.

- All the judgment from everyone else.
- Oh.

Dr. Cox, Jordan, even Turk and Carla.

I mean, it's almost enough of a reason
not to do anything.

Hogwash!

Excuse me?

That ridiculous drivel you just said.

Oh, but who am I to talk?

Here I am eating some kind
of a banana-nut-sawdust muffin

and hiding out in this crappy excuse
for a Coffee Bucks.

Who the hell cares
what anybody else thinks?

Just look into your heart and do
whatever the hell makes you happy.

That's right, Ted, I'm back.
I love it here.

Donny! Moist!

J.D.: Elliot and I were tempted
to take Dr. Kelso's advice,

because often
when you do what makes you happy,

things have a way of working out.

Actually, I normally get paid twice this.

Hmm. My mistake. I'll be right back.

J.D.: But it also occurred to us
that you can have the best intentions

and still fall back into old habits.

Shh. Get out of here.

J.D.: So I guess the real answer is
that there is no easy answer.

You just have to go for it or not.

- This seems like a good idea.
- Who cares?

I'm just gonna need to engage my legs.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Oh!
- This is just to brace you. Right? Right?

You're a wizard.

We just gotta work this out.

Let it flow out.

Let it flow out.

And cut!

- You like that, don't you?
- Yeah, I... God help me, Jimmy. I do.

There it is. Let it go.

- Deeper, please.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.