Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 8, Episode 14 - My Soul on Fire: Part 1 - full transcript

Here you go, Sammy.

I know I was supposed
to drop Sam off in day-care,

but the only other kid
that was there was

that creepy little girl
with all the freckles.

Please don't give my son
your prejudice of redheads.

They're God's mistakes, J.D., accept it.

You know what, let's not fight.

Because, Sammy,
today is the seven-year anniversary

of the first time
your daddy and I ever kissed.

J.D.: I forgot!

Distract her so you can run
and get some flowers.



Darling, do you know what Sam loves?
When you sing Old MacDonald.

He does?

J.D.: Nobody loved Elliot's
tone-deaf rendition of Old MacDonald.

Old MacDonald had a farm

Farm

J.D.: It was so excruciating,

I knew exactly
how long it took her to finish.

- Look out!
- I had 44 seconds.

And on that farm there was a cougar
E- I-E-I-Oh

With a... here. And a... there
Here a... There a...

Everywhere a... O...

J.D.: Stupid line.

You loved shoplifting
when you were a kid.

Just grab something and run.



Be cool, honky.

Oh, hey, Leonard. What's that?

Hey! Look out! Wait a minute!
I'm talking to you!

Leonard, calm down.

E- I-E-I-Oh

Did you like that, Sammy?

No!

I feel like you raped my soul.

Oh, that was wonderful, darling.
I got you a little anniversary present.

Why would you get me
a toothbrush?

Damn it! I thought it was a sex toy!
Okay, just cover.

I borrowed your toothbrush
this morning when I was showering,

dropped it
and I may have peed on it a little.

You pee in my shower?

You know, baby, I'm making this up.

I forgot to get you a present.

- So you don't pee in my shower?
- Of course not.

Oh, yes, I do.

You didn't have to get me a gift
for the anniversary of a kiss.

I mean, that's the best part
about us having dated before.

We don't have to deal
with that drama ever again.

You're the best.

I ought to gut you.

Look, that's how
the old Leonard used to behave.

Hook it over.

J.D.: Spring was in the air and
everyone was getting caught up in it.

Whether it was a new romance...

Hey, have you ever been
in love before?

Once. She was a janitor.

Well, for her, the mop
always came first, you know?

And that was fine, until one day
I come home from work early

and there they are in bed.

They were just cuddling,
but still, you know.

It was really the emotional betrayal
that makes it hard to talk about.

But you've changed all of that for me.

J.D.: Or an old romance
still going strong.

Excuse me.

Could you hold that, please?
Excuse me.

Oh, my God, you make me so hot.

Why?

J.D.: Other couples
just weren't clicking.

- Are you mad at me?
- I'm not mad. I'm hurt.

You've been ignoring me so much
it makes me want to punch something.

God, you're firm.

I'm just bummed about Carla.

Between Izzy
and her being pregnant again,

it's like I don't have a wife anymore.

She's just a mommy.

Is it that bad?

Don't you love listening to her breathe
on the baby monitor?

Sometimes.

Baby, I thought you said
you wanted to get it on.

We're not finished?

- We haven't started.
- Sorry. Do your thing.

It's pretty bad.

Dude, what the hell was that for?

I wanted to see if it was just as firm
when you weren't expecting it.

- And?
- Firmer.

That's right.

Okay, let's call this meeting
of the Brain Trust to order.

Now, as you know,
ever since our esteemed member Lloyd

died snorkeling in his father's pool,

we've tried to make do
with the next best thing.

Still, I think we realize
that's not really working out.

Especially since Todd keeps
high-fiving it and knocking it over.

Well, look how he's posed.
I can't resist.

Yes, you can.

That is why I had you over
to my garage last weekend

to take my seminar on willpower.

And you still owe me 60 bucks.

Now, Brain Trust bylaw 47 A
clearly states what, Ted?

- Live free or die.
- That's New Hampshire.

47 A clearly states that we must always
have exactly four members.

So, I proudly announce
the reinstatement of Doug Murphy

as a permanent member
of the Brain Trust.

Permanent member until you
find someone you like better, right?

Come on. You're just being insecure.

Dudes!

You're alive. You're out.
Lloyd, you're back in.

We thought you were dead.

Faked my own death, bro.

I was in debt big time to a bookie.

Anyway, it didn't work out.
Saw me at a mall.

So, what's new?
Can I borrow 80,000 bucks?

Can't really swing that, Lloyd.

Our credit line is over-extended

since we had Cheap Trick play
at the Brain Trust picnic.

- Yeah.
- Goodbye, Lloyd.

- And Doug is back in. Permanent.
- Yes.

You know,
until Lloyd gets back on his feet.

Okay, meeting adjourned.
And, oh, almost forgot. Jeez.

Ted, pass these out
to everyone in the hospital.

Cardboard five!

I want you in my garage this afternoon.

Bring 120 bucks
and a steak sandwich.

I can't do this all on my own

No, I know

I'm no Superman

I'm no Superman

What the hell is this?

Oh, my God!

"You are cordially invited to
the wedding of Lady and the Janitor."

The Janitor is getting
married before me?

That's it. I may actually kill myself.

Of course, I'm the only one
who wasn't invited.

Here's yours.

J.D.: Okay, do not reveal
how touched you are.

Turk, could you please pass me
the salt for my baked potato?

This wedding is in three days.

And it's in the Bahamas.
Nobody's going to this thing.

I know I'm not.

I heard, at night,
the octopuses come out onto land

and drag people up into trees

and rip their faces off
with their powerful suction cups.

J.D.: I guess I was moved
by the Janitor's invite,

because I did this.

Look, I know the Janitor
isn't exactly a friend to us,

but he is a part of our family,
a horrible, horrible part.

Like an uncle
who shows up at your ballet class

and whispers, "Good girl,"
when you pli?.

You have an uncle like that, too?

That's not important, Carla.

Still, I think we should use this

as an opportunity
to go on a much-needed vacation.

We work very hard.
And I think it's time to live a little.

Hey!

You really think we should go?

Hey, Todd. I'm really just sort of talking
to these two tables.

- Yeah, it's just the two of them.
- Just these two.

But you said we should all live a little.

And I think you should on your own.

But in this circumstance,
I was really just talking to...

Just mainly these two tables,
focusing here.

Actually, I'm thinking about going.

Hey, Bob. I...

I didn't see you there.

So, I am talking
to your table as well, Todd.

But not your chair. Not your chair.

Surprisingly, my friends listened.

We can't go, Turk.
We've never left Izzy alone before.

Baby, separation is healthy.

Wanna know what happens to kids
who are too close to their mothers?

- What?
- They end up like that.

Well, Mom, when I'm gone

I guess your feet
will just have to rub themselves!

Ted has his own room now.

He only sleeps with his mom
when he's had a bad dream.

Or she has.

Honey, all I'm trying to say is that
with Izzy and a new baby on the way,

this might be our last chance

- to have some you and me time.
- Okay.

I'm in.

Awesome. Think about it, Elliot.

In three days, you'll be walking
on a beach in your bikini.

- That's sexy.
- Shut up.

Cool.

What? I know I have to be
in a bathing suit.

Hey, Feldman. Fire up the fat vac.
Momma needs some lipo.

Dude.

We are in for the Bahamas. Upstairs!

Downstairs! Oh, yeah.

I still don't like downstairs.

Really? You haven't come around yet?

Anyway, I got you a present.

It's an exact replica of the tiki

from "The Brady Bunch
Goes to Hawaii" episode.

Greg had this on
when he got into the surfing accident.

Peter had it on
when he saw the tarantula in the bed.

- And Alice...
- Turk! Turk, Turk, Turk.

I've seen it before.

Do you remember the music they'd play
when anything bad happened?

Wait. You don't have one.

Or do I?

Yes!

- Downstairs!
- Really?

No. What's wrong with you?

I didn't wanna do it, either.
I think it's stupid.

- Where'd you get them?
- I bought them on the interweb.

The seller was anonymous,
but I think I know who it was.

Sold! Finally!

These things have been
ruining my life for too long.

The curse is yours, John Dorian.
The curse is yours!

Man, that guy hates normal doors.

Do you think if we wear these
bad stuff will happen to us?

That's kind of the fun, isn't it?

- Turk.
- Huh?

I need your signature on our
splenectomy patient's discharge form.

This pen doesn't work.

That's gonna be annoying.

Now you made my woman all mad.

Good God.

Tiki bump.

That was sex-tastic.

My God,
I feel light headed.

Yeah, good loving will do that to you.

So will not eating
for 36 hours.

Elliot, just say
it was the good loving, okay?

You know, as a joke.

Fine, it was the good loving.

I knew it.

J.D.

Forget it.

What?

Okay. What the hell?

Here goes.

I love you.

J.D., I love you so much
that the last thing I think about

before we go to bed at night
and the first thing I think about

when I wake up
in the morning is our future.

Come here.

I love you, too.

J.D.: And there it was.
A moment so perfect that I...

That's it?

What?

I did not just say,
"I love you."

I actually explained
how much I love you.

Plus, you weren't even looking at me
when you said it.

But I do love you.

I think that you're the most
amazing woman that I've...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You are not getting off that easy.

You have to obsess
over it a little like I did.

See, I actually jotted down
some notes in my notebook

on how to get into the whole
"I love you" conversation

before I settled
on the fake-spontaneous-blurting thing.

You do know
that you're a crazy person?

- Of course.
- Just checking.

Now, you think about it and surprise me
when I'm not expecting it.

Night.

Elliot, when I think about our love...

- Too soon.
- Okay.

What are you doing? The van
to take us to the airport is downstairs.

It's called my job.

It's that little thing I do
70 to 80 hours a week

while you're eating, drinking,
napping, spending, plucking,

ignoring the children
and singing rap tunes into a hairbrush.

You forgot about the nanny-cam
in the bedroom, didn't you?

I like it like that
She working that back

I don't know how to act
Slow motion for me

I did. But I'm okay with it.
'Cause I'm fly.

You realize I'm probably gonna have to
work the entire time we're down there.

The only thing better than
going on vacation without our kids

is going on vacation without our kids

and you're too busy
to spend time with me.

You don't mean that.

I do. It's an amazing gift.

Come on!

Dear God.

What the hell are you wearing?

Just got my Bahamas gear on.

J.D., have you seen
my cute white linen shirt?

I think it looks better on me.

Babe, I know that you're very proud
that you've been working out, okay,

but we're in a hospital, so button up.

Fine. But the second we get
to the Bahamas,

it's going to be raining abs.

In my heart you come first place

When I turn and twist like that

It's because I love you so much

It's sung for my country

Hope Town! We made it.

Oh. Oh, baby, look at this place.

Okay. So Izzy drank
her whole bottle, right? Okay.

Okay, great.

Excuse me,
when you're done with that phone,

may I borrow it to call my kids?

- Really?
- No.

Say, did you even bother
to tell the babysitter

she has to stay overnight
this weekend?

Well, she'll figure it out.

Ted, wait here for my bag.

Got enough sunscreen on there, Ted?

I go through a tube
about every three hours.

My skin drinks it.

J.D.: What's that about?

Todd went to med-school there.

And then we saw
where Todd got it from.

His old professor was
the best high-fiver in all the world.

Earthquake!

J.D.: And then we'd all have sex
to celebrate surviving.

Chop, chop, Ted.

I could kill him here.

You know how much I love you?
When I first...

Yeah, not in front of everybody.

Plus, I'm a little light headed.

Maybe that's because
you haven't eaten in three days.

I know what my body can take!

Don't care.

Let's go.

- Tiki time.
- Yes.

Should we go check in
with everybody else?

Not yet.

I gotta whiz.

There's a bathroom, like, right there.

I know, but I'm already in.

Fine, Elliot.

You know, the Abacos
have incredible snorkeling.

Since you're not a strong swimmer,

let's say we get really, really,
really drunk and go later.

Darling, I distinctly
remember telling you

that I had to do some work down here.

But if you'd like me to stop so that
we can spend some time together,

you just say the word.

Never.

Hey, meathead.
I've got a present for you.

- I'm thinking of going bone fishing.
- I'm going bone fishing right now!

And Ms. Sullivan,
thanks so much for that set-up.

You're welcome. Go away.

Hey!

No way!

- I can't believe you came.
- I know, right?

Why the hell did you come?

I rallied the troops.

I invited you to a wedding
in a foreign country

on three days' notice.

You weren't supposed to come.
I just wanted the gifts.

Do you see any
of the other 847 invites here?

We're not even
having a ceremony, man.

All right, well, then,
we'll just have a vacation.

- No harm done.
- All right.

- You have to!
- Elliot, you are so right!

- Honey, we're gonna have a ceremony.
- A big one.

I'm gonna kill you.

We loved our hotel room,

but then Elliot saw something
that made her skin crawl.

Here's the towels you wanted.

Thanks, sweetie.

There's no way I'm using those after
that little redhead freak touched them.

I can smell his freckles.

I can't believe you hid this hatred
from me for seven years.

Deal with it.

Hey, babe,
what are you doing in there?

Just putting some sun screen
on my face.

Good, 'cause

I think now might be a really nice time

to tell you that
I love you so much that...

- J.D., I'm pooing.
- See you at the beach.

I mean, I miss Izzy,

but I always imagined being
someplace like this with you.

Just be here, Turk.

Hey, Diane.

Here comes my ex-wife
and your beard.

50% real. Enjoy.

You two both gotten a good look?
Some of this. A little of that. Yeah?

Good. Then we're done. Give me that.

Oh, my God. Conch fritters.
You guys, I will see you later.

I'm gonna go get, like, 40 of these.

She should have gotten the lipo.

It does hurt a little bit
when I sit, though.

Hey, Gandhi.
Here comes your better half.

That's what I'm talking a...

...bout?

She's wearing shorts and a mom suit.

No, don't you...

My wife.

Hi, guys! How you...

Oh! I left my cell phone in
the room. I'm gonna go back and get it,

in case something happens
with Izzy, okay? I'll be back.

How awesome is this?

Doesn't look any better going away,
does it, Gandhi?

No.

I got two words for you guys,
banana and hammock.

Baby. You know why
I love the Bahamas?

They got brothers on the money.
Check it. Ha!

Don't that look like Uncle Dottie?

Why aren't you out on the beach?

Because daddy came to seduce you.

But for me to get in my sexy mode,

I'm gonna need you to take off the hat
and stop picking your toes.

It's all right, I'll push through it.
Baby, look,

Izzy's not here and this is the Bahamas.
The islands of making love!

You. Me. The ocean.

Underwater relations.

- Lead the way.
- Yes.

That's the nanny.

This'll just take a second.

Okay. It's cool.
I'm gonna head down to the water.

It'll be just like our honeymoon.

Nobody will see what we're doing
except for the mermaids.

Baby, for the last time,
mermaids aren't real.

I know what I saw, woman!

Don't yell at me.

Hi. How's she doing?

You know what else you should do
when you tell me you love me?

Keep your hands away from her mouth.

Hey, you...

My God, she ate the rind.

Anyway, when you tell me,
make sure I'm wearing something cute.

Like that new blue bikini I got.
It really helps my eyes pop.

Elliot, stop, okay?

You told me you loved me.
I told you I loved you back.

We both know
how we feel about each other.

That should be enough, right?
Stop acting so crazy.

I know it's wrong,
but with our relationship clicking,

I couldn't help but feel smug

watching everyone else's melt
in the hot Bahamian sun.

Oh, my God. Are you ever gonna
stop working and have some fun?

See, I knew darn well
you were full of crap

when you said you didn't care
if I spent time with you.

But truth be told, I finished all my work
on the plane before we got here.

I just wanted to prove a point.

The wind is really taking that baby.

Oh.

Carla, where are you?

Hey, sweetie. It's okay, it's okay.
Mommy's here.

None of that drama for Elliot and me.
For us it was smooth...

J.D.: Elliot, where are you going?

She's all mad.

Gary, I'm going to need
two mamas, please.

Thank you, sir.

For what?

- Can I at least have your fruit?
- Get out!

Ted, you had one job.

Keep the people I invited
from actually coming to the wedding.

Did you tell them about the octopi
that drag them into trees

and suck their faces off?

I did but they didn't believe me.

What? Okay. This isn't a problem.

Did you remember to pack
the giant octopus suit I made for you?

Crap.

Teddy! You're killing me!