Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 9 - My Dumb Luck - full transcript

Since the geriatric wing
was being remodelled,

Turk and I were herding
old people to their new rooms.

That's a closet, Mr Jenkins.

Come on, Mr Benedetti.

You're only a few thousand
tiny steps away.

J.D., we need to find a way
to move these gomers faster.

All aboard the Love Train.

That was a fun fantasy.
I wish it didn't have to end.

Hey. That's a nice jacket, Ted.

What is that, wool?

It's a poly-nylon blend.
Do you really like it?



No. Bathroom's just out
of paper towels.

I know it's confusing,
but these are your new rooms, okay?

Please try to stay put.

Great.

Bye-bye.

Since Elliot revealed
that Dr Kelso is 65,

the Board was forcing him
to retire in a few weeks.

This is even worse
than when they decided

that female staffers
couldn't wear open-toed shoes.

Obviously, this is much worse.

But that sucked, too.

I feel like I've given my life to this place
and got nothing in return.

I mean, is there an MRI machine
in my basement? Maybe.

I guess I just wanted to end my career
on my own terms, you know?



We got to help him save his job.

- You guys are gonna help, right?
- Of course.

First we have to handle something.

Dr Cox had a patient that he hadn't
been able to diagnose for two years.

And he was back again.

Look, Alex, I'm afraid I still don't know
what's causing all of this,

so I'm gonna go ahead and treat your
heart palpitations with beta blockers.

Turk and I couldn't resist playing
a little game called "poke the bear."

So, Turk, yesterday I had this patient
I just could not diagnose.

Wow, you must have felt
like a real jackass.

I did feel like a jackass.

But then I was able to figure out
what was wrong with him.

Because I'm not a jackass.
I'm a good doctor.

Okay, now just stay calm
so he doesn't know what you're up to.

Oh, no. Turk's breaking.

Quick! Distract the bear
with a casual greeting.

Oh, hey, Dr Cox. How are things?

Oh, my God. That was amazing.
I've never felt so alive in my whole life.

My heart stopped for a second.

- We made it. I love you, man.
- I love you, too.

You smell like an athlete.

- I need one of those.
- A hug?

No, a black friend.
I think it would make me much cooler.

I should be offended, but he's right.

Why are you so gloomy?

I thought you'd be super-psyched
that Kelso's being forced out of his job.

Dr Kelso's being forced out?

I did not know that.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

I'm free! I'm free!

I'm beautiful and I'm free! I'm free!

Give me some sugar!

It's finally over! I'm free!

Holy cow. Buddy, are you all right?

Ted?

Are you not talking because
your mouth is filling up with blood?

You're gonna pass out, aren't you?
Oh, boy. There he goes.

At certain times in our lives,
we all get introspective.

Taking it all in, too?

Why don't you have a seat, son?

Actually, sir,
my shift is about to start, so I should...

Son, I don't care
if the cure for cancer was laughter

and you had Nipsey Russell
in your backpack. Park it.

I want to get all nostalgic and crap.

What's that strange red puddle
oozing towards us?

That's just Ted's blood.

Apparently, he bit off
a chunk of his tongue.

Anyway, when I started here,
I was only 26.

And done. 23 stitches.

Here's some painkillers.

I want you to take one of those
every four hours, okay?

And no trying to talk.

I keep thinking about Kelso.
He reminds me of my grandpa.

He's pervy, demeaning,
and an eensy bit racist,

but you crave his love anyway
because he smells like peppermint.

I've always respected Kelso.
He's got a tough job.

And I bet deep down,

everybody here wants us
to help him keep it.

Ted, no talking.

We do know a Board member.

Why would anyone
want to save Kelso's job?

- For starters...
- You know what?

I don't honestly care
one way or the other.

- About Kelso?
- About anything.

But then again, you two are
young enough and attractive enough

that I'm not angry when people assume
we're friends, so what the hell?

Here's what you do,

Board members hate confrontation.

There's a Board meeting tonight.

Just show up at the hospital
with all the movers and shakers

in support of Kelso, they'll cave.

All right.

Okay, I'll support Kelso.

But, in return,

I want you to put me in a full body cast
and take me to the airport.

I'll explain later.

Why would we do that?

Because I'm the biggest moverlshaker
in this dump.

- Come on.
- You handle this. And be nice.

All right.

Are you familiar with the term
"delusions of grandeur"?

I believe I coined that term.

Look, I'm a simple unassuming janitor

who can control people's actions
with his mind.

Observe.

Explode!

If that would've worked it would've
freaked you out. You'd have loved it!

Fall.

Hello?

I think this might be the thousandth
time I've peed in a cup for you, Doc.

Well then, to us.

- Hard to celebrate?
- Yeah.

I got it.

Jeez Louise, can you believe
how many files I have on this guy?

The only way I've been able to bind
them together is with this bike bungee.

Hang on to that for a second,
will you, please?

Sure.

I don't think he realises
we were making fun of him earlier.

Say, what's up with your arm?

Oh, boy.

I'm sorry, dude. That was awesome.

Dr Cox, we're sorry.
Don't worry, though.

Turk and I are gonna help you
diagnose this patient.

That's terrific because I'm so darn lost,
I just keep procrastinating.

I check my email
or I pick up a copy of US Weekly

to see which of my favourite celebs
is bringing back the fedora.

It's Johnny Depp, by the way.

- He doesn't think we could help.
- I'd look good in a fedora.

Turk, focus. We're being insulted.

I'm tired of you not focusing
when someone insults us.

It ends up all on me.

Hey, if you really want to be useful,

make like an orderly and take
that urine sample down to the lab.

Follow me.

Money, right?

How does that have anything to do
with what Dr Cox said?

What did Dr Cox say?

Afternoon, Mr Mandelbaum.

Shouldn't we stop him?

No, the security guard
will keep him out of traffic.

You know, when I was an intern,
they made us work 60-hour shifts.

Yeah, quite a few colleagues
got drummed out

because they couldn't cope.

The rest of us were so sleep deprived,
we could barely manage to stay sane.

I'll never forget
the day we caught Seth Finkel

gently cradling a cadaver head

which he swore
belonged to his ex-girlfriend, Millie.

A year later Seth actually did kill Millie.

Ironically, Millie donated
her body to science

and that spring, we caught
another intern cradling her dead head.

Life's little cycles.

Can't believe that was
almost 40 years ago.

Sir?

You tell them, Mandelbaum!

Hey, slick.

Will you come to the Board meeting
tonight to help Dr Kelso?

Now why on Earth would I do that?

For some reason,
she thinks if you call a man "slick,"

he'll do anything for you.

It also works on lesbians, so...

Come on.

You know that deep down inside you're
okay with Kelso running this place.

Deep down, I hate Bob Kelso
and wish he would die painfully.

Here's the research you wanted.

Thanks, slick.

Look, Kelso's a pain in the ass.
You know what I say?

Bring on the next pain in the ass.

Hermione, have you seen
Mr Macrae's urine test?

I'm on it, slick.

You don't remember where you left
that cup of pee, do you?

No clue.
We have to find it or he's gonna kill us.

Us? Try you. He's not killing me.

Why is it getting harder to walk?

Dude.

That was lucky.

So, have you killed anyone yet?

What? No.

Well, you will.

Super.

It's a rite of passage for doctors.

If you're lucky, it'll be a patient
who's on his way out anyway.

My first kill was a 19-year-old girl.

She came in
with severe abdominal pain.

I thought it was appendicitis.

Turned out she was pregnant
and didn't know it.

It was ectopic
and she was bleeding internally.

I should've checked for that.

But by the time I discovered
my mistake, it was too late.

Sometimes I look at this old hospital,

I actually see the faces of
all the patients I've lost.

Priceless.

But I do see them sometimes.

We don't need Dr Cox, you know?

We'll round up everyone else.
And not just the doctors,

we'll get all
the non-medical personnel, too.

Good idea. Ted?

Who would you say is the leader
of the support staff?

Well, well.
Look who's come crawling back

through the desert of shame
to the oasis of hope,

begging for just one sip
of cool Janitor forgiveness.

Well, the answer's no.

Please, Janitor.

All right, I'm in. Doggone it.

I cannot resist
that adorable mug of yours.

I would have to throw a cup of acid on it
to keep it from having power over me.

Okay. So we just have
to round up everyone else.

That should be easy.

That was impossible.

- Where did I leave that stupid pee?
- Dude, retrace your steps.

Okay. I remember
we were walking this way,

and you had to stop Mrs Butler
from wandering out of her room again...

No, no. Mrs Butler, back in here.

- Then I got paged to surgery.
- Right.

And I came with you to cheer you on
and to hold your fedora.

And then we went out to the ramp
to celebrate.

There it is.

Why would it turn purple?

You know, those two remind me

of a couple of dogs I had
when I was a boy.

JoJo and Spike.

One day, JoJo got his head stuck
in the mailbox

and Spike went over to try to help him
and got his head wedged in there, too,

and they both suffocated.

They were extremely dumb animals,
but close.

Sir, my shift started two hours ago.
I should really go.

You know, there are some things I sure
as hell will not miss about this place.

Like how, more often than not,
medical skill doesn't matter.

It all comes down to dumb luck.

Okay, I'm googling purple pee.

Google that bitch!

That's it. We left it in the sun.

"If urine exposed to
UV light turns purple,

"it's a sign of a rare genetic disorder
called Acute Intermittent Porphyria.

"Symptoms include bloating,
high blood pressure, seizures."

Cox's patient has all of those.

We figured it out.

One, two, three.

In his face!

Or how you can often
have more questions than answers.

I just don't understand why
no one will help us save Kelso's job.

That's easy.
Word got out that he wants Kelso gone.

And no one wants to cross him
because he's a scary guy.

Now I'm not scared of him,
but that's because I'm magic.

Is he dancing?

- No.
- No.

Or how every day in this place
is made up of little battles.

Or how around here,
once the ball starts rolling,

there's not much you can do to...

Sorry, sir, did you have another?

Or how around here,
once the ball starts rolling,

there's not much you can do to stop it.

He's out of here.

Or how patients don't appreciate
their doctors any more.

Or how medical skill doesn't matter,
it's all just dumb luck.

- You already said that one, sir.
- Son, my blood sugar is low,

and unless you have a candy bar
in that gay little knapsack of yours,

shush it.

Or how if you get to the cafeteria
past 5:00, they're always out of pie.

Damn it!

What, do you buy, like,
one pie for the whole hospital?

You ask him.
If I do it, he'll say something mean

that will really hurt my feelings.

We want you
to reconsider helping Kelso.

Could I get a "hell, no"
from any random doctor?

- Hell no!
- Thank you, whomever.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get
far, far away from annoying people,

especially whiny childless blondes
with stained coffee teeth.

Look at that. He got you anyway.

What the hell is this?

What's the occasion?

Did Barbie finally wax
her tiny annoying moustache?

Stop saying mean things about me!
I'm not even talking to you!

We diagnosed your patient, buddy.

- He's got Acute Intermittent Porphyria.
- What?

If it makes you feel any better,
it did almost take us three hours.

Oh, for the love of God.

1985 was gonna be my year.

Reaganomics was in full swing,

Enid's implants hadn't exploded yet

and best of all,
they made me Chief of Medicine,

so I was the king, right?

Wrong-o.

I realised fast that in order
to keep this old place going,

I had to make one unpopular decision
after another,

regardless of who hated me for it.

And that was a lonely realisation, son.

And here comes my biggest fan.

Bob, there is finally a diagnosis
on Mr Macrae.

He has Acute Intermittent Porphyria,

and now his insurance company
wants him discharged immediately.

I'd like to fudge the paperwork
a little bit, keep him around longer,

and teach him
how to manage his disease.

- No.
- I realise that your heart is made up

mostly of muffin bits, the souls of
little babies and the denture grip

you swallow every time
you suck your teeth

to get out the muffin bits
and baby souls stuck in there,

but what do you care?

You're not even gonna be around
any more.

Damn it, I'm still Chief.

Now,

if you want to fudge the paperwork,
I want a promise from you

that you will publish
a paper on the case. Deal?

Deal.

He'll never publish
a paper on that case.

He knows just how to play me.

Sure, he likes to pretend
that I win more than he does,

but he walks away victorious
more often than not.

There's gotta be a way to get Dr Cox
to change his mind.

Perry does not sway so easily.

Unlike your husband,
who would probably cave

if you showed him your cans.

Don't even have to show him both.

The left one's cooler.
Looks like a sea lion's face.

It does. Turk drew it for me.

Come on, Jordan, think.
There's got to be a way.

Oh, my God, enough.

You know, there might be something
I can do to change his mind.

So here's the truth,

I was only able to diagnose your patient
when I left his urine outside in the sun

where it turned purple.

Then I googled "purple pee"
and the Internet gave me the answer.

The universe makes sense again.

But please don't think this is going to
make me change my mind about Kelso.

What if I was to sweeten the deal
with a sketch of Carla's boob?

That's an otter.

Even though I knew
it was coming eventually,

it still shook me when the Board said
I had to leave Sacred Heart.

But you know that, don't you?

You've been sitting here
listening to me yap all day.

By the way, what's your name, son?

Boon, sir.

My God, what a ridiculous name. Boon.

Boon. My name is Boon.

Well, I guess you should go, Boon.

Really? Thank you, sir.

So you think my next 20 years here
will be a nightmare?

No. I think you'll love it.

I have news, Mr Macrae.

You have Acute Intermittent Porphyria.
Now, while that is manageable,

I'm afraid there is no cure.

And then we got a response
we didn't expect.

Oh, man. I couldn't be happier.

Excuse me?

Just knowing what it is makes it
so much easier to deal with, you know?

And then I saw something
click in Dr Cox.

What Mr Macrae was saying,
is that the enemy you know

is always better
than the one you don't.

The Board meeting is about to start.
It's just the three of you?

I'll probably say a few words as well.

Mostly about the potential
of mind control in modern medicine.

This should go well.

Wait. There's more people coming.

When?

Right now. Love Train.

Well, you could've made
a bigger entrance.

Let's get this over before I puke.

Well, Bob, your employees
really stood by you.

- They pointed out to the Board that...
- Hi.

Well, you run a tight ship.
And actually, we'd like you to stay on.

Girls, thank you for saving my job.

The one thing I wanted
was to end things on my own terms,

and since you're letting me,

you can shove it up your ass, Rodney.

I'm out of here.

I'm taking this with me, damn it.

Thanks for everything, Ted. Sincerely.

You're welcome, sir.

I wonder if he even cared
about this place at all.

Yeah. He did.