Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 8 - My Manhood - full transcript

When Dr. Kelso tells the Janitor that nobody cares what he thinks, he starts a newspaper called "The Janitorial" to prove him wrong. J.D. and Turk fight over their manhood issues, while Dr....

All right, Mrs Cropper,

I think you're gonna be fine
without the antibiotics.

And you don't think
I'll need a pelvic exam?

Not for a cold, no.

Do it with the gloves off.

Okay, either step aside
or I'm gonna go through you.

Then you go through me.
You go through me hard.

Mrs Cropper wasn't the only one
showing aggression.

Ever since Turk
visited his brother last month,

he'd been more alpha male than ever.

All right, we all know the rules
of remote wrestling.

Last man standing
decides what we watch.

Man rumble?

I go next.

Right? Right?



I don't care that you've been waiting
two hours to be helped.

Thank you for letting me think about it.

Anybody have an idea
how we can calm down the clientele

when we're this backed up?

You know what would work?
Duck pond.

Right here.

I can't believe
I've never said this to you:

Nobody cares what you think.

Listen, guys.

It's come to my attention that nobody
around here cares what we think.

Tell me about it.

Like, I thought it'd be cute if,
down in the morgue,

we got Hello Kitty toe tags.

You know, for the dead kids? But, no.

Exactly. Sort of.

I've figured out a way
to get our voices heard.

Okay? It's a little newsletter called...

Brace yourselves.

Seriously, brace yourselves.
The Janitorial.

Now, what I'm thinking we can do...

Un-brace yourselves. Un-brace.
There we go.

Todd has a question.

Yes. Could I be the photographer so
I have a valid excuse for wearing this?

Don't ruin it.

I'm gonna be writing
all the editorials, okay?

On issues like union strife,
insurance scams, baby wolf men.

What I need
is an investigative reporter, yeah?

Somebody who is bland enough
and insignificant enough

that he'd be listening in
on a private conversation,

get the secrets,

but no one would even notice
he was there.

I'll do it.

You been sitting there this whole time?

No. First I was in your chair
and you sat on my lap, remember?

I said, "Excuse me."

And you said,
"Get up and sit over there," and I did.


And... Hey, Janitor.

Oh, hey, Ted.


"Rate Dr Reid's butt"?

Yes, 9.2!

Thank God this hospital
is full of white guys.

Calm down, Enid.

It's not my fault
that I'm being forced out of my job.

The Board found out about my age

because Dr Reid just had to throw
a birthday party for me.

Now, Enid, I've got to go back to work.

Don't be too pleased with that 9.2.
That's out of 100.

Dr Cox,
can Sam watch West Side Story?

It helps him fall asleep.

And it makes my heart sing.

Fine, but absolutely no singing
or dancing along.

And I will throw my coffee at you
if I catch you even once doing this...

All right, I'll just do it in my head, then.

I'm watching the game.

You put that remote down
or be prepared to wrestle.

Who ordered a can of whoop-ass?
I think you did.

I want you to see this.

Can you see the TV from there, buddy?

Unfortunately, you're going to have
to get used to events like this.

Don't listen to him, Sam.
Turk, stop bouncing.

How do you get it to spin so well?

You got to make sure
the pen's right in the middle.

Check it out. We made the front page.

I know. It's awesome.

Now there's no doubt who
the best buds in the whole hospital are.

Tracy and Stacy can suck it.


Oh, sorry, Tracy and Stacy.

I see you guys are wearing
each other's oxygen tubes. That's cute.

- All right, they win.
- Yeah.

Check it out.
I'm gonna take this to Kinko's

and get it blown up poster-size.

- Get two.
- I know.

Wait a minute.
Let me see if I've got this right.

The front-page story about
your humiliating ass-kicking

doesn't bother you at all?

You're the only one
your son has to model himself after

when he's trying
to figure out how to be a man,

and seeing the occasional poster
of Paul Mitchell

whenever you take him
by the beauty salon isn't going to cut it.

Well, it's unfortunate that all children
can't have the amazing role model

that you are, Mr Borderline Alcoholic.

Nailed him!

It's great having silver bullets like that
on everyone in the hospital.

- You sure told him.
- Thanks, Herpes.

I'm so sorry that they're forcing you out.
I feel horrible.

Sweetheart, you should. It's your fault.

Look, I'll talk to the Board.

I am so great
at changing people's minds.

My best friend in college
thought he was gay,

but I totally convinced him
that he was into women.

After that, he had a ton of girlfriends.

Until senior year
when he hung himself.

Why is it that
so many of your stories end with,

"And then he hung himself"?

Bad luck, I guess.

Don't help me.
And keep this to yourself.

It'll be our secret.

This is your new patient, John.
What's your secret?

I can't tell.

And besides,
you are terrible at keeping secrets.

You know, my brothers are great
at keeping secrets.

They never once told anybody
about the time

they got into a fight in the bathroom
and accidentally bumped wieners.

It was only for a second.

- Still gay, though.
- Told you.

Well, it's official. The Janitorial is a hit.

But no time to rest.

We got to get another issue out
before lunch.

But we just put one out this morning.

Doug, The Janitorial is a tri-daily.

But let's hold out on the meeting
until Ted gets here.

I'm right here. I bought you that scone.

I thought the manager gifted it to me
for not running that expos?

on how Coffee Bucks beans are picked
by dirty river monkeys.

I'm kidding, Ted.

Actually, I wasn't kidding.

Todd, how's the weather section
shaping up?

I think all the ladies in the greater
metro area should expect to see

about eight inches tonight.

What's up? Entire-Coffee-Bucks-Five.

- Hit it!
- Nice newsletter there, fellows.

It's the first thing that I've ever read

where I could actually feel myself
getting stupider as I read it.

Are you calling me stupid?

Well, it's your stupid paper, right?
So, yeah.

- High five.
- You're stupid.

Hit it! Hit it! Hit it hard! And done.

What did I miss?


You want to explain the fingernail
marks down my wife's back?

First of all, that's a perfectly
acceptable fighting style.

And secondly, I think you should
ask your wife about that.

This is very close.

What did you have for lunch, scallops?

Hey, dude. Why don't you let him go?

I don't have a problem with you, man.

I should warn you, I've killed a man.

Granted, it was during surgery,

but I don't need anaesthesia
to knock your ass out.

- Sorry.
- That's right. Walk away!

Walk away! We got them.

That was a close one, wasn't it?

Thank goodness your big,
brave man-friend was here.

Sam, I want to be real clear about this.

That's your daddy, not your mommy.

How did you get Sam out of day care?

Put on a wig and a skirt
and told them I was you.

So John has had swelling
in his chest wall for a few months.

Cold hands. Should've told you.

So you're pretty tight
with your brothers, huh?

Yeah. They're idiots,
but they're all right.

John, it looks like you have
some skin puckering.

I'm just gonna order some tests
and see what's going on, okay?

I'll be right here.

- He's a nice guy, isn't he?
- He's incredible. What's your secret?

Are you pregnant?

Why would I be talking to Kelso
if I was pregnant?

- It's his baby.
- That was one dream, Carla.

And it doesn't count
because he was half-dolphin.

Which half?

Hey, Mop For Brains,

I was reading your paper online
while I was on the toilet and...

- Yeah, I squat and surf.
- Oh, it's the best.

Anyway, did you happen to notice

what one of your so-called
correspondents put on there?

"Dr Cox admitted
that his callous outer shell

"is just protecting
a fragile inner core of sadness.

"'Lf I seem angry,

"'I'm really just wishing people
would give me a warm hug

"'or pat me on the back
and say, I'm right with you, man!"'

Yeah, I did happen to catch that,
while I was writing it.

I never gave you an interview.

- I don't see that that's relevant.
- Why am I even bothering with this?

Nobody ever believes
what you put on these things anyway.

Really? People believe
everything they see online.

Apples linked to hair loss. And post.

- I'm kidding, Ted.
- I don't want to eat it again.


Here's John's lab work.
If you tell me your secret,

I won't tell anybody about the time
you ate a cricket.

You tricked me into doing that.

Dominican snack, my heinie.

You know, you didn't have to save me
from Mrs Cropper's husband.

- I could've handled him.
- How?

By ramming your face into his fists
over and over again?

You make jokes, but I did that
to Paul Edwards in college,

and who won that fight?

He broke two knuckles, but I only
fractured one skull. Scoreboard, Turk.


He did have to wear
that goofy hand brace for a while.

Yeah, I don't remember that,

but I am still missing
some large chunks from that year.

The point is, I don't want you
fighting my battles for me.

I need to be a strong male
role model for Sam.

But, dude, that's my job. Remember?

When Sam gets older,
I teach him about sports and stuff,

and you're in charge
of lzzy's emotional crap.

We agreed that's how
we'd raise our kids.

Our kids? Turk, we're not married.

Dude, we're a little married.

I know. I love it.

Besides, if you start acting
like a man's man all of a sudden,

you're just teaching Sam
to lie about who he really is.

You know?

That's it. I am a man.

And it's time to prove it,
once and for all.

Walk more purposefully, damn it!
You're pissed!

We're watching what I want to watch.

With my adrenaline flowing
and my pride on the line,

I knew this time...

Oh, no, wait. No, that's... Thank you.

It sucks to feel totally trapped.

Whether it's
by a misinformed co-worker...

I feel alone, too.

Oh, no.

... or some very unexpected news.

John, your test results came back.
You have breast cancer.

The hard part is finally breaking free!

Dude, relax. I'm getting up now.

- Calm down.
- Get off!

I knew I had two choices, apologise
to Turk and admit it was an accident,

or this...

Yeah! How you like me now, bitch?

Right? Up high! Up high!
That's how we do!

So uncool.

I'm gonna kill him! Where is... Move!

After putting a beat down on Turk,

the last thing I wanted to do was
be lame and hide in a supply closet.

That's why I chose down here.

Why are you here?

After all these years
of putting on toe tags,

I sort of developed a foot fetish.

And you get tired of looking
at dead ones, you know?

No, Doug, I don't.

Quick question.

How could I possibly
have breast cancer?

Anyone can get it, John.

And unfortunately, your sentinel node
biopsy came back positive.

We should start
chemotherapy right away.

Do you want to call your brothers?

I'm not telling anybody about this,
all right? So just forget it.

End of story.

Can I have a minute, please?

Why wouldn't John want any help?

You know, this reminds me of the time
my cousin Greg got stuck at the airport.

I offered to pick him up, but he said
he'd just crash at some cheap motel.

- Anyway, the next day...
- Let me guess. He hung himself.


No, Dr Kelso,
my cousin didn't hang himself, okay?

He did. But he lived.

That's a nice story.

Stop. Stop. Stop it, please.

There's no touching. No touching me.
No, please don't touch.

Okay, everyone,
can I have your attention?

That interview is a fake.

It never happened.
So there's no more touching me.

Not now, not never.

Knock, knock, knock.

Hello, is the real Dr Cox in there?

Because his friend Ted wants him
to know it's safe to come out.

- You read the interview, too?
- What interview?

Oh, thank God. Turk will never
beat me up in front of Carla.

- What is John's problem?
- Yeah, Carla, what is his problem?

He's embarrassed about having
breast cancer. Most guys would be.

You know what else
would embarrass most guys?

Having their ass handed to them
Hong-Kong style

in front of the whole cafeteria.

Elliot, even doctors get self-conscious
about their bodies.

Remember last month when
Turk pretended to visit his brother,

but he was actually having
his testicle removed?

He was so embarrassed,
he only let me tell you about it.

And he was
only comfortable telling J.D.

Baby, I haven't told J.D.

How could you not tell
your best friend?

Do you guys even realise I'm here?

One testicle.

Well, where is it?
Did you at least keep it?

Why would I keep my testicle?

These conditions are perfect.

He's beautiful.

Oh, my God. This is totally awesome.

Can you go pick up Carla's
dry cleaning so I can play basketball?

It can't talk.

- What the hell am I gonna do with that?
- Stop, Turk. You're making him cry.

It's okay, Plant Turk. Friends.

See? He's learning.

- Get the clippers! Get the clippers!
- Let him go! Let him go!

We have to find your ball, Turk.
We have to find it and destroy it.

You don't realise
that Carla and Elliot left, do you?

Look at him, he's dying in there.

I mean, emotionally, not dying dying.

Although, he could be.
I haven't seen his full blood work yet.

Good, he's not dying. But he is.

I'll never be surprised by
the ridiculous behaviour of men.

Wow, Turk's pretty quick without
that testicle weighing him down.

I wonder if Olympic athletes
have ever thought of that.

Take them both off
and I'll bring home the gold.

Hell, if it makes a difference,
you can even take off my...

Damn it! Never fantasise while running.
You know that.

There. I locked myself in.

You can't stay in there forever.

You gotta make this stop.

- Why're you torturing me?
- Because you called me stupid.

Now, I've been called a great many
horrible names in my life,

backstabber, zebra poacher, Josh.

And I've accepted these because to
each of them there is a degree of truth.

But I am not, nor will I ever be, stupid.

- Fair enough. I'm very sorry.
- Apology accepted.

Now how about an interview
with the real Dr Cox?

Fine, let's just crank this out.

- You don't have to be here.
- Beg your pardon?

Off you go. It's all up here.


It's too bad
we can't just call John's brothers

and tell them that he needs them.

I know.
Stupid doctor-patient confidentiality.

It's like wearing a muzzle.

Like last month, one of my patients
asks out Nurse Rollins,

and I couldn't even warn her
that I'm treating the guy

for a horrible case of mono.

Now she has it
and her grandfather has it.

I don't know, she wouldn't say.

Men are always doing this
to themselves.

If they say they don't want your help,

you can bet your ass
they really need it.

That is so true I'm putting that
on my answering machine

and saving it for my next relationship.

Don't bother.
There's no reception in here.

Oh, my God.

Dr Kelso wants my help.

I swear, Elliot,
if you don't tell me this secret,

I'm gonna go in that stall
and change your butt rating.

So which one did you lose?
Lamont or Grady?


Now on hot days,
he'll be sticking to God's leg.

- How'd it happen?
- My kid kicked me in the groin

and now I got testicular torsion.

That sucks.

Lately, I've been feeling
like less of a man.

I think that's why
I've been overcompensating

with all of that remote wrestling,
alpha male stuff.

But losing a testicle
is not gonna make you less of a man.

Although, you do realise
you'll probably be having daughters

for the rest of your life, if you lost
the one that makes boy babies.

- That's not really how it works, is it?
- I'm not really sure.

But still, you whooped me in public.

So we got to fight again.

Turk, have you not been listening?
Sam. Role model. I have to win.

So what do you want to do?

And then we had it.

- Rocky III freeze-frame ending!
- Rocky III freeze-frame ending!

Yeah, I totally messed J.D. Up.

I cut my knuckle knocking his teeth out,
right? Check out the scar.

As I showed off the cut I'd gotten
from a broken jam jar,

I thought about how complex
the male ego is.

It can make us need
constant affirmation

that we're strong or even feared.

- This is brilliant.
- I thought you'd like it.

It can even make us so afraid
to ask for help that instead,

we just quietly hope
for someone to notice.

Dr Kelso, I told Carla your secret
and we're gonna help you.

We're going to rally everyone
in this hospital

to stop that Board
from forcing you out of your job.

Are you in on this, too, Perry?

Nope. First time hearing it
and I couldn't care less.

He'll get there.