Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 4 - My Identity Crisis - full transcript

I can't believe we're doing this
in a patient's room.

It's about to get hotter.

Yes.

Turk, you are full of surprises.

Isn't he, though?

What are you doing here?

- He's here to kill you.
- Kill me?

Elliot won't let you get away with it.

Sure I will. Turk's letting me raise lzzy.

I'll finally have a baby.

And I can spend
the rest of my life with Turk



touring the world's
greatest water parks.

Elliot, ready.

Clear!

No!

- That is a weird dream.
- Yeah, I don't even like water parks.

I mean, I did,
until someone thought it'd be funny

to go down the slide
two seconds after me.

Dude, the lifeguard told me to go.

Really? Did he also tell you
to take your trunks off, Turk?

Because the last thing a guy wants
to see when he's in a splash pool

is his best friend's junk headed
towards him at 40 miles per hour.

I felt like I got pistol-whipped.

Look, what was weird about this dream
was that it was in English.

I always dream in Spanish.



Baby, dreams have
nothing to do with reality.

Hey, want to come live with Aunt Elliot?

What? You guys know lzzy hates it
down in day care.

Ain't that right?
Do you wanna come live...

Elliot wasn't the only one trying
to steal babies from the hospital.

Hey, don't steal those babies.

Why do you call these babies?

It could be that when I was a kid,
I didn't have any toys.

- Sure, sure. Yeah.
- I used to make my own toys

as a matter of fact,
and I would take the toilet paper rolls

and draw little faces on them
and name them.

Surround myself with them,
hoping they would protect me.

I went out to the side of the road
and tried to sell them one time,

make a little money on my own,
you know?

But no one bought any

and when I came back home
everyone was gone.

You know how you and I
don't talk so much?

If you're wondering whether or not
it makes me happy or sad,

it makes me happy.

You love being edgy, don't you?

I do.

Missed a spot.

Sad for you.

First spill of the day.

You just can't seem to get along
with anybody, can you?

Life is so much easier
if you just connect with people.

Watch and learn.

Colonel Doctor,
loving those new frames.

Snoop Dogg Attending!
Where my hos at?

Hey, what are you doing to that thing?
It's fluffy.

I want to, like, rub my fingers in.

You see? I connect with them.
Unlike you, I'm a man of the people.

Hey, Teddy.

Looking bald and sweaty!

Putting my smile away
and on with the day.

Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.

- Speaking of healthy bones...
- Perry...

One sec, ma'am.

I've got one in my pants. He's all yours.

Why don't we go over this later?
Thanks.

What have you been doing all day?

Right up until this very moment,
I'd been successfully avoiding you.

I came to tell you I'm taking the kids
to my mother's for the weekend.

And seeing that you're not allowed
within 40 feet of her house...

- The restraining order.
- Christmas memories.

Anyhoo, you're staying here.

I'm gonna leave you alone to celebrate.

People, I expect full participation.

- Oh, please.
- Come on.

Fine.

I ran down here so I could do it twice.

If they do this at all sporting events,
I'm gonna start going.

Check out my little African princess.

Izzy!

Baby, when I'm not around,
do you only speak Spanish to lzzy?

'Cause you know I don't understand it.

Relax, Turk. I speak both to her.

Good.

- All right, I gotta go to work.
- Okay, say goodbye to Daddy.

And when he comes back,
the three of us...

...before we put you down to bed.

Forgot my keys!

And then Mommy will
sing you a lullaby

just like her mommy used to do...

Hola, Carla.

That's how you say "hello," right?

Hold my bag.

Well, the car's here. For some reason,
it was a half an hour early.

Yeah, that was me.

You know, you're gonna miss me
more than I miss you.

Oh, please. Underneath those
four pounds of makeup

and quarter inch of
synthetically-paralysed skin,

there is a frightened little drunk girl

that I can already hear blubbering
on the phone,

"Oh, Perry, I miss you so."

This is you.

"Oh, Jordan, please come home.
Please."

See? This is why we're a great couple.

Bag! Bet you call me before I call you,
you pathetic wuss.

You're on.

Alone for the weekend.

Wonder what he's gonna do.

- Hi, Perry.
- No, Newbie, get out!

- Well, I thought it could be fun.
- Get out. No.

- Turk, he said no.
- But you told me...

I assumed he would say yes and...

I did not invite The Todd.

Fellas, why you wearing
such giant underwear?

Sometimes you just gotta say,
"What the fudge?"

- That's not the line.
- I saw it on a plane.

Can I have one of these babies?

Why do you call them babies?

Don't know. Always have.

I like you, Shirley.

You know something?
You look just like a nurse

that used to work here named Laverne.

- Doesn't she?
- No.

Oh, yes, she does.
I feel like I'm looking at Laverne again.

You just got yourself
a new nickname, missy.

See you in a bit, Lavernagain.
Lavernagain!

Baby, you can't just speak Spanish
to my little African princess.

She's not your little African princess.

She's our little half-African,
half-Latina princess.

Baby, that's a little wordy.

Here we go, Carla
and Turk are at it again.

My mother taught me how important
my heritage is.

I will do the same for lzzy

and speaking Spanish
is a huge part of that.

Just a matter of time
before they rope me in.

Plus, I want to take her
to the homeland.

Any second now...

Baby, you're from Chicago.
Just get her a deep-dish pizza.

You know what? Why don't you
get me a deep-dish pizza,

with onions and sausage?

Here it comes.

Turk, I was referring
to the Dominican Republic.

And if you say, "Isn't that where
I bought my wrinkle-free chinos,"

I may kill you.
Where are your ancestors from?

The motherland?

You don't even know.

And now a gentle throat clear
to let them know I'm ready to speak.

J.D., drink some water.

- Go to hell, Bob.
- I didn't even say anything.

There's nowhere else to sit
so you can drop the scary stare.

It doesn't work on me any more.

Kicking me under the table's
not going to make me leave either.

I did it. You talk too much.

Say, Bob, sorry about that
"go to hell" thing earlier.

- We're cool.
- You're just pissy because Jordan left.

I mean, I'm in the same boat.

Ever since I broke off my engagement,
I live all alone in that big, empty house.

Hell, Bob here is living at the hospital
because Enid kicked him out.

Did she just call me Bob?
I will kick her again.

We're like the lonely hearts table.

No, no, actually,
that's the lonely hearts table.

Who are you?

Okay, we'll never win
the A Cappella-Palooza

performing like that.

And if we don't win, there's no chance
of us getting laid at the after-party.

Barbie, please stop
lumping us in together.

Tomorrow is my day off and I am
joyous to have my place all to myself.

You see, I'm a lot of things.

I'm a Scorpio, a registered
Independent, a foodie, a Parrothead.

Yes, I do love that Jimmy Buffet.
Always have, always will.

- A leg man.
- A right bastard.

Thank you, Bob. But I can assure you
the one thing I am not is...

Straight?

Audience participation is now over.

The one thing I'm not is lonely.
Capisce?

Hey, you should know

that new nurse hates
the stupid nickname you gave her.

Lavernagain? No way.

I hate it.

Well, you might hate it now,
Lavernagain.

But once you've heard it a few times,
you're gonna love it.

- Lavernagain.
- You're such a man of the people,

do you even know
anybody's real name?

Of course I do.

Why do people keep
hiding behind you?

Challenge, what's their real name?

Well, she never told me her real name,
but I like Lavernagain.

And Snoop, I had hoped you'd legally
changed your name to Snoop.

Never got around to that? Okay.

Colonel, I have to pass on you.

Okay, you can get this one.

I know it's just like Beardface,
but not Beardface. What is it?

Oh, right.

Beard Mouth.

- It's Beardfac?, damn it!
- It's Beardfac?, damn it!

Man of the people, indeed.

It's always surprising to learn
how people close to you really feel.

How can you know nothing
about your own background?

Baby, what do you want me to say?
It just doesn't mean that much to me.

Still, the only person's feelings

you can truly hope to know
are your own.

Daddy, Grandma says
you once peed in her garden.

Guilty.

Hey, Perry.
This doesn't count as me calling.

It does so.

'Cause I made Jack dial
and you and I didn't speak.

I just wanted to tell you I've decided
to stay here through the week.

Bye.

Of course, sometimes
a phone call changes everything.

The obvious way to beat loneliness
is with the company of others.

Hey, Tedski.
Could I maybe help you here?

- That's a lot of files.
- Really?

- Thanks.
- No problemo.

It only gets complicated

if you don't want others
to see that you're vulnerable.

So, I heard Jordan's staying away
the whole week now.

Yeah, we've been texting
each other a lot

since we both found out
that we're nervous pooers.

I turned her on to
one sound-proofer so talented,

even someone with their ear to
your door can't hear it when you foofy.

Interesting. Tell you what,
when she gets back

you two ought to think
about having a crazy-off.

I'm going to text her that you said that.

Goodness gracious, Ted.
I'm sure sorry about that.

It's okay. I'm used to it.

Say, Ted, these are all
just blank pieces of white paper.

They...

I need to look busy.

Hello, tall, dark and

- whatever.
- Handsome.

No.

Well done, Dr John "I think
I'm a man of the people

"but now thanks to the Janitor

"everyone knows I'm a fraud
and I have egg on my face" Dorian.

That's your clever new nickname.

Oh, my God!
You finally have a nickname!

I can admit when I'm wrong.

So, challenge. I will learn everyone
in the hospital's real name

by the end of the day.

You're gonna learn 310 names
in one day?

Hey, the night before my anatomy final,
I got drunk on peppermint schnapps

'cause Turk told me it was a special
new mouthwash you could swallow.

And after I was done crying
and dry-heaving

and lying in the foetal position,
I still managed to memorize

all 216 bones in the human body.

There's only 206 bones
in the human body.

Well, it appears I learned 10 more
than I needed to.

So how about a little wager?

If I win,
you have to do my job for a day.

And if I win?

I'll do my job for a day.

How is that fair?

I'll actually do my job for a day.

Deal.

Do you know how?

It's been a while. I can do it.

Well, you look like
you could use some help.

I'm okay.
Actually, I'm just looking for Carla.

Does anyone need any help?

Me. I need help.

Get the hell out of the way!

Hi. Help.

Okay, Dr John
"I think I'm a man of the people

"but now thanks to the Janitor

"everybody knows I'm a fraud
and I have egg on my face" Dorian.

Very funny.

Perfect. Pretend you hate
the nickname so it'll stick.

Who is this?

He's a doctor.
I think it's Patrick or Paul.

It's Gwen. Although she does have
a mean case of man-face.

Dr Cox, I just want
to throw this out there.

It feels really good
to be your student again.

Take that back

or I'm going to shove every one
of these Polaroids down your throat.

Back to best friends it is.

You know what you should use?
Mnemonic devices.

Associate the person's name
with something about them.

I do it all of the time.

Like this guy.

Look at him.

Now there's no way he's ever going
to make love to a woman

unless that woman is dead
and dead rhymes with Ted.

Ted.

That's how most people remember it.

What was your mnemonic device
for remembering my name?

- Do you really want to know?
- Do I?

No.

I knew it. Look at how much
you don't want to be alone.

You're actually helping out the guy
who you claim annoys you the most.

Elliot, it's been seven years.
I think we all know I don't annoy him.

Okay, you're in it now. Go for broke.

Heck, I'd bet that Perry would admit

that I'm not just a colleague,
I'm a friend.

And arm around him...

Oh, my God.
Is this what Heaven's like?

Yep. Just helping out a friend.

It has nothing to do
with me being lonely.

Hey, wait a second.
Isn't today your day off?

Hey, baby, you know something?
You are absolutely right.

I do need to learn more
about my heritage,

so I called my mom
and she said somehow, distantly,

I'm related to the guy
who invented peanuts.

Turk, that's
George Washington Carver.

He didn't invent peanuts.
He just thought up uses for them.

I'm talking about
the little foam packaging peanuts.

How dumb do you think I am?

Baby!

You just don't get
what's really bothering me.

A couple days ago,
you dreamed in English.

Three years of marriage
and I'm starting to pay attention.

I feel like I'm losing all connections
to what makes me me, you know?

My best friend is a very,
very white girl from Connecticut.

Look, if who I am keeps
slipping away from me,

how will I ever be able
to pass it on to lzzy?

It's bad enough that
when people look at my daughter,

they only see
your little African princess.

They think she's black,
not half-black, half-Latina.

- That's not true.
- Oh, really? Watch.

Sir, what race
would you say this baby is?

Oh, half black, half Latina,
most likely Dominican origin.

Then again,
I am the new hospital geneticist.

That's just bad luck, baby.

Oh, my God.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I used to be an island.
I didn't need anybody.

Now I can't function for a week
without Jordan and the kids.

Well, luckily you have
a lot of very close,

special friends to help you through this.

- J.D., stop it.
- No, you stop it!

I'm sorry you had to see me like that.

Honest to God, I...

I feel like I'm losing track of my identity.

And just like that,

a lot of people found themselves
asking the same question.

This one's for the ladies.

Who are you?

I really want to know

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who are you? You

- Who the hell is that?
- It's Skip, the gynaecologist.

Are you honestly whining
because you feel attached

to your wife and kids?

I like the way I was.

Oh, you mean the giant jackass that
nobody could stand to be around

for more than 20 seconds?

- Yes, I love that guy.
- Me, too.

Well, guess what? You're still him.

Only now when you go home
there's actually people there

that are happy to see you.

Probably 'cause
they don't know any better.

- That won't end well for you.
- Okay,

buddy.

What is so funny?

I just think it's hilarious that you think

you could stop being
a proud Latin woman.

Baby, all your ring tones
are bachata music.

You're the only nurse in this hospital
who demands that any doctor

who wants a big favour
has to ask you in Spanish.

So we got a daughter

and life is moving at a really,
really fast pace but, baby,

you're always gonna be a Latina
with an upside down exclamation point.

You promise?

And action.

All right, he looks like a serial killer,
which is a kind of cereal

I'd want to stay away from
like oat bran.

Brandon.

Correct.

Okay. Snoop Dogg Attending.

I saw him without his pants on once

and he has crazy,
skinny legs like French fries.

French fries are sold at McDonald's,
whose founder is Ronald McDonald.

Ronald.

You saw him without his pants on once.

That's popcorn magnate
Orville Redenbacher.

Nice.

We all want to be appreciated
for our unique identities.

No!

Bad dream, baby?

No. It was a great dream.

What are you listening to?

Some boring medical lecture.

Go back to sleep.

But when we decide to change
who we are for someone we love...

What time is it?

... we can surprise even ourselves
with who we've become.

All right, Jordan, you win.

I miss you guys.

I miss you, too, Daddy!

Jordan, would you like
to say the same thing?

- I would not.
- She would not.

We'll call you tomorrow. Will we?

- No.
- No.

Colonel Doctor. I call him that

because he looks like that freaky
Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.

KFC makes coleslaw.

Coleman Slawski.
Incidentally, my favourite name ever.

That's correct.
But you also lost the bet.

- What are you talking about? I won.
- Nope.

That's not fair.
Nobody knows your name.

You know what that means?

Fine, you win.

Yep. And you know what that means?

It's like this ammonia is seeping
into my brain and making me violent

and angry and hateful.

Yep. That's how it starts.

What the hell you looking at?

- Nice.
- That felt good.