Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 11 - My Princess - full transcript

Hey, J.D. You keep wheeling them in,
I'll keep wheeling them out.

Awesome appropriateness, Doug.

Carol, we're ready for our sponge bath.

Thank you, Carol.

Hey, why was your baby boy
dressed like Caesar this morning?

I don't have clothes for Sam
at my house

so I just cut arm and leg holes
in a pillowcase.

The gold belt
was just so he wouldn't feel ridiculous.

J.D., you're a parent now.
You gotta be better prepared.

Yep. That's why we just stocked up
on extra baby oil, lotion and diapers.

Why? Is there a party this weekend?



Recently we realised that with Todd,

if we didn't move
and stayed very quiet,

he'd eventually get confused
and leave.

Anyway, much like one-hit-wonder
Natalie lmbruglia, I'm torn.

You see, on one hand,
I'm tempted to side with the Gandhis.

You do need to buy Sam some clothes.

On the other hand,
ever since you two made a baby

you've become an even more annoying
two-headed know-it-all.

You hear that, Perry?

That's the sound of your hate
bouncing off our love.

Attention, dum-dums.

Many of you have been disregarding
the hospital's 12-hour shift policy.

Now, I don't care
if you think your patients need you,

when your shift is over,
I want you to go home



to your sad, empty lives.

Tired doctors make mistakes
and the hospital is liable.

Believe me, you do not want
to find yourself in a court of law.

Tell them what happens there, Ted.

Well, we'll all wear long black robes
and beautiful white, curly wigs.

- That's England, Ted.
- Are you sure?

Anyway, from now on, anyone caught
working after their shift is over

will be sent home immediately
and docked a full day's pay.

Well, Marian, your hepatitis test
came back negative.

That's good, right?

Yes and no.
I still don't know what's wrong with you.

Well, you'll figure it out.
You're a good doctor.

Will do.

Hey, I'm going to lunch.
I took her culture to the lab for you.

- Thanks, Keith.
- Yeah.

Wow, sounds like he's finally over you.

No, he's still alternating
between angry name calling

and whiny pleas to get back together.

Although, he did agree to be civil
while he's inside the hospital.

- Hello?
- Why won't you love me?

- Why don't you...
- See you tomorrow, Keith.

Can you believe a month ago
you were gonna marry him

and I was gonna move in with Kim
and then it all fell apart

when we had that "almost moment"
in the on-call room.

You know, we never talked about that.

What's there to talk about?
You just tried to kiss me.

I tried to kiss her? What the hell?

Wait a second. There's nobody here
to see my "what the hell" face.

What is it? And make it quick
so you don't bore me.

A few months ago,
Elliot and I almost kissed.

- But now, she's saying...
- Well, you tried your best.

Now, leave me alone.

Slaggy, you're up.

A genetic defect that
presents with anaemia

and causes copper build-up
in the liver and other organs,

- destroying them.
- What is Wilson's disease?

- Yes.
- Yes! In your face! In your face!

What annoying thing
is happening now?

They're playing Diagnosis Jeopardy.

When you win you get to gloat.
It's so stupid.

You never got to gloat, did you?

I don't believe in gloating. It's tacky.

A condition in which the patient speaks
in previously unknown dialect

due to severe brain trauma.

What is Foreign Accent Syndrome!
Yes! In your faces!

Or should I say in your faces.

Hello, governor.

Throw another shrimp
on the barbie for me.

Wait, that's Irish.

You're an idiot.

Now, I have to go start work.

Because in spite of all of you,
I'm going to have a great day.

That was the worst day
I've have ever had.

Daddy's home!

Come here, little Jackie boy.
Give me a big kiss.

I love you, puppy. Good night.

Where the hell are you going?
It's your night to tell him a story.

Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't be more wiped out.

The nanny's mom died

and I had to spend the whole day
sprinting around the house

trying to avoid having
conversations with her.

You don't see me crying about it.
So suck it up and spin a yarn.

Yeah, Dad, suck it up.

Okay, Jackie.

Will do.

There was once a nurse,
a surgeon, a doctor and an idiot.

Does this hat make me look fly?

Perry, he's four. No hospital stories.

Fine.

There was once a two-headed witch,

a princess

and a village idiot.

Does this hat make me look flyeth?
It jingles when I shake it.

- Are you all tucked in there?
- Yep.

Okay, here we go.

Once upon a time, a long time ago,

there was a little village
known as Sacred Heartia.

Damn it, Giant.
Why is this village so filthy?

Well, irritable townswoman of colour,

it could be because this town's roads
are paved with mud.

Or maybe it's because
I've been swabbing everyone's porch

with ox urine.

I jest. Only yours. You know why?

You've been telling people I eat babies.
I don't eat babies.

With babies, it's a minute on the lips,
a lifetime on the hips.

I eat toddlers.

I thought you said
she'd be dead already.

Come back later.

Say, do you have any babies...

Toddlers on that cart?

- Nope.
- Well, off to work.

On the outskirts of town, the Princess'
handmaiden was in dire straits,

so Her Highness
sent out a call for help.

Good morrow.

That's funny, I requested
someone strong and brave.

And yet here stands the Village Idiot.

Hey, I'm brave.
I just saved this fish from drowning.

Off you go, little buddy.

He's tired now.
Earlier he was dancing all around.

- Run free! Run!
- Now, this was no ordinary idiot.

He was a colossal idiot.

I mean, such an idiot
that other idiots would...

- Daddy!
- I'm very sorry, dear,

I just wanted to be real clear with you
about how big an idiot he actually was.

In any case, the Princess
and the Idiot had had a sordid past.

Look, Your Highness,
I just came by so you could apologise

for saying I tried to kiss you,

when, in fact, it was your royal tongue
that tried to storm my mouth-castle.

That's not how I recall it.

Come on. You closed your eyes
and started heaving your bosoms

up and down and up and down.

Yeah, that's called breathing.
I'm doing it now.

I know.

Can I rest my face on them
and ponder what you've said?

- No!
- Okay.

My poor maiden is being tormented
by a terrible monster.

She grows weaker by the minute.

A monster?

I mean, she looks ill,
but I think it's a bit of a leap

to say it's the work of a monster.

There's a monster in there.

J.D., she's febrile, her liver's enlarged,
and her kidneys are shutting down.

Are you gonna help me or not?

I will.

Keith?

Perhaps if I can save your maiden,

the soil of your heart will soften

so I can once again
plant the seed of our love.

Yeah, look, Prince, this?
It's not happening, okay?

Time to move on.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get
back the key to my chastity belt.

Fine.

Come along, Peppermint.

That is gonna make so many things
so much easier.

Why'd you send him away?
We could've used his help.

- We...
- Can...

...help...
...your...

...Highness.

The Turla was once
two separate witches.

But when they married,
they merged into one.

It made for some awkward situations.

- That's...
- What...

...l'm...
...talking...

...about!

Turla, how can we defeat the monster?

- We...
- Must...

...go...
...to...

...the...
...delicatessen.

What?

I knew they just did that
alternating words thing to bug me.

Now, meet us at the potion shop so
we can get a spell to stop that monster.

But first, we must stop at the drugstore.

I need to pick up something
for her time of the month.

It's our time of the month.

Is that why I keep crying
for no damn reason?

'Cause I didn't ask for this.

- Do we look fat?
- We look beautiful, baby.

- You sure?
- We do.

- How are we gonna get there?
- Don't worry. I got a sweet ride.

This is mortifying.

Don't listen to her, Sasha.

Idiot, I have to ask.
How do you get your hair like that?

You like it? I do it myself.

It's one part horse manure,
one part river mud

and a touch of my special ingredient.

More horse manure.

It's the Dark Lord's toadie.

My master approaches.

Prepare yourselves
for his untamed vengeance.

The Dark Lord Oslek
was the evil ruler of the entire land.

Hey, gang. How you holding up?
That is a sharp-looking donkey.

Told you.

No speaking!

A warning to all.

Any who dare set foot
in my Forbidden Forest

shall forever disappear.

I was in the Forbidden Forest
earlier today and I'm still here.

Where'd he go?

Where'd he go? What? Where...

Murphy's shift ended 20 minutes ago
and he was still here.

So now he's going home without pay.

If anyone would like to join him,
test me.

I should at least take
that body downstairs.

I said out!

Take care of that.

Oh, man.

There goes my back.

Were you guys able to get
that C-Diff test I ordered?

Lab's all backed up.

We need those results now.

- I'll handle this.
- I'll stay here.

- God help me, I wish you could.
- God help me, I wish you could.

We need a monster-fighting potion.

Sorry, this customer here is next.

What the hell are you?

I'm the Fairy Toddsomething.

Well, step aside, lest ye be dealt with.
Turk, wand.

Yeah, about the wand,
I may have let the Idiot borrow it.

Oh, man.

You know, I have a big wand
if you want to hold it.

Of course, when it comes to magic
I just do this.

Banana hammock!

Fairy-Five.

Turk, no!

You don't let us go first,
I'll never let him high-five you again.

After you.

Still-Can-High-Five-Five?

Coming at you.

I love slapping people five.

Your shoelace is untied.

Hey. Thanks, man.
You know how dangerous this is?

My uncle's whole family
was killed by an untied lace.

Christmas morning, they're all running
down the stairs, they tripped,

and a madman
hacked them all to pieces.

I owe you one.

Can't wait.

Guess who got the lab results?

You guys are amazing.

Damn. C-Diff is negative.

She's getting worse and we're not
any closer to figuring out why.

I gotta page him.

And now we wait.

Hey, can you get rid of this tail?

No problem, buddy.

I meant with magic!

He's here.

And then, before them,

appeared the bravest, most handsome
knight that any of them had ever seen.

Princess.

Princess.

Brave Knight,
my poor maiden is being held captive

by a monster that can't be beaten.

There is no such thing
as a monster that can't be beaten.

Hey, you, hang on to that.

You know, I miss hanging out with you.
Like, alone.

There's not much I can do.

Last night, I had some grog with a guy
whose hutmate is a barrel maker.

Let's just say, the guy has a saw...

Be careful or I'll make your chin
disappear. Oh, too late.

That's not nice.

Look. The battle has begun.

My name is Percival Cox.
You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.

That's new.

I don't know what's scarier,
the monster or that scary old lady.

What scary old lady?

Very funny. Perry, it's his bedtime.

- But, Jordan...
- But, Mom...

No buts. Lights out.

Jackie. Would you like to hear
the rest of the story?

Yeah.

Let's see. Where was I?

I remember. Scoot over a second.

Give me some sugar. All right.

The Knight was getting his ass kicked.

That's new.

What's the monster like? Is he nice?

That monster cannot be slain
by sword alone.

Baby, maybe you could
lull the monster to sleep

by telling him one of them
boring-ass stories about your family.

That's it.

Are you out your mind, woman?
We only got one ball!

You were saying?

The only way to save your fair maiden
is to go to the Forbidden Forest,

and find the Golden Ring.

The Golden Ring? Why?

Because finding the diagnosis
is the only way to help her.

Right now,
you're just treating symptoms

that are leading you
down the wrong road.

You need to go back to the beginning.

Back to every textbook,
every case study you ever read.

And most importantly,
to find the Golden Ring,

you must remember what you heard
when you weren't even listening.

"Remember what you heard
when you weren't even listening"?

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know,
but I can't find anything in here

to explain her kidney malfunction,

her lack of clotting
and the internal bleeding.

I feel like we're just getting lost
deeper in the woods.

- Your ass is bleeding.
- Sasha, are you okay?

No, Idiot, your ass is bleeding.

I know. My tail was ripped off.

If it doesn't scab over,
my soul will leak out.

Why were you looking
at my ass anyway, Princess?

Missing what you could have had
when you tried to kiss me earlier?

Good morrow.

Idiot. Princess.

You shouldn't be
in the Forbidden Forest.

The Dark Lord is near! Hide!

Come on, Sasha.

Evening.

They're gone.

Thanks.

Our shifts ended a half hour ago.
We would've been screwed.

Well, this counts as the one I owe you.

Fine, we're even.

Excellent.

I'm going to miss those two.
They never once spit on me.

You seem like a nice enough guy.

Why are you still working
for Lord Oslek?

I tell most people
it's because I'm under an evil spell,

but really, it's a self-confidence thing.

Yeah, I get that.

Say, you want to go hollow out
some villagers and use them as kites?

Do I!

I can't believe I'm gonna die with you.

Who said anything about dying?

It's probably
just some harmless torture.

He's right, it's not that bad.

Since we meet our fate together,
I should tell you.

'Twas I that tried to kiss you.

No, my lady.
We tried to kiss each other.

And I know we were both
running away from things,

but do you think that
near kiss meant anything?

There's only one way to find out.

Almost there, okay.

Can you... Little bit of tongue maybe?

Your time has come!

You're both suspended.

You can't do that.

This is my hospital.
I can do whatever I want.

Get it?

Sir, you can't suspend me,
I'm private practice.

And I've had zero patient interaction,
so there's no liability issue.

So this can't come back to me?

- No.
- No.

Then get out.

A dab of manure...

Now where were we in that dungeon?

Focus. We have to save my maiden.

But how are we supposed to find
the Golden Ring in an endless forest?

Remember what you heard
when you weren't even listening.

Am I imagining him?

Lmagining who?

Asked and answered.

Hey, Idiot. Down here.

What's up, bro?

Wood nymphs.

I just remembered something.

I was barely listening.

A genetic defect that
presents with anaemia

and causes copper build-up
in the liver and other organs,

- destroying them.
- What is Wilson's disease?

It's Wilson's disease.

This is for you.

The Golden Ring.

We must make haste
back to the maiden.

To Sasha!

- We're doomed.
- It's okay, I still have Turla's wand.

What in the hell is going on?

Let me try that again.

Now that's more like it. Hold this.

Hang on, Maiden. We're here.

How do we know for sure
it's Wilson's disease?

She'll have copper deposits
around her iris.

What does it look like?

A little golden ring.

That's a great diagnosis.

What are her chances?

Well, we've done all we can.
Now she needs a new liver.

We just got to hope
she gets one in time.

And with the monster gone,

all was once again well
in Sacred Heartia.

The Turla made peace with itself.

Beautiful kites were flown.

Yeah!

And the Knight rode off to fight again.

And the Idiot and the Princess,

well, they decided
that their almost kiss meant nothing.

Because in the end,
they were both idiots.

What about the maiden?

What do you think, Jack?
She lived happily ever after.

Go to sleep. I love you very much.

So?

So what?

So did the girl make it?
Did she get a liver in time?

Is that how it really ended?

Let's just say,

that's the way I'm telling it.