Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 7, Episode 10 - My Waste of Time - full transcript

Elliot and J.D. discover a major change in their relationship, when they spend time together looking for a former patient.

Times were changing.
Dr Kelso had quit,

so the Board had made Dr Cox
the interim Chief of Medicine.

I don't want everybody
making a big deal out of this.

I'm certainly not going to.

- Dr Cox...
- Chief Dr Cox.

Right. The Board wants to know when
you're coming to the budget meeting.

Tell them I will be right down.

He's on his way.

- You're not going, are you?
- Not now, not ever.

How exciting is it
that you run this place now?

I'm so proud of you.
It's like a whole new day has dawned.

Do me a big favour there, Barbo,
get that prescription filled for me.

"One chill pill."

It's for you. Unlimited refills.

Hey, Chief, I need your approval
on this settlement letter

from the drug company
that makes Plomox.

Turns out if diabetics take it, it can
cause hypertension or even death.

Diabetics can die from what?

From not doing the laundry
this morning the way they promised to.

Baby, I ain't never promised
to do the laundry.

I promised I'd try to get to it
and I wasn't able to.

You know what?

I don't have time
for all this Plomox crap.

My daughter
is having her shunt removed.

not a life-threatening procedure,

but still, I have to be there
to hold Jordan's claw.

And besides, this stuff
happened on Bob's watch.

I'm quite certain
he'd want to take care of it.

Won't you please give him a call?

He wasn't receptive.

Dr Kelso's absence wasn't bad news
for everyone in the hospital.

We have a quorum.

Thank you, Ted.
I would like to welcome everyone

to the new Brain Trust Clubhouse.

Or, as I like to call it, the Brainhouse.

Can I make a motion?

Lf, by a motion,
you mean a literal motion,

in which you simulate a crude
sexual act, then absolutely not.


the first order of business is this:

From now on, our tri-daily meetings
will all take place right here.

Can we just take this office?

Ted, we live in a country
called America.

And in America, every man is free
to do as he or she wishes

and to claim anything he or she wishes
with a simple act of planting a flag.

In the same manner,
I claimed my parking space,

the dead possum across the street
and Doug's sandwich.

How did he do that?

Thank you.

So I forgot to do laundry this morning,
but I stood up to Carla anyway.

Wow, that takes a lot of ball.

See? I made it singular
'cause you only have one man-berry.

Not for long. I'm getting an implant.

Why? Is it because your balance is off?

I didn't want to say anything,

but you have been turning left
more often than usual.

No, it's not 'cause...

Look, I don't even care.
It's not like anyone notices.

I never stopped noticing.

Anyway, Carla wants me to get it
so now I have to pick out a prosthetic.

Hello, and welcome to Ball-Mart.

Turk, look at all the different styles.

This one has a diamond stud in it.

And this one says "I'm With Stupid"

and has an arrow pointing
to the real one.

This one has a thermostat
and doubles as a hand-warmer.

You know, that would be perfect
for next weekend's ice fishing trip.

I can't believe we all fell
through that hole in the ice.

If we don't warm up soon,
we're all gonna die.

Hey, why aren't you cold?

All right. Come on.

All right,
now nobody makes eye contact.

This is Heaven.

Careful, y'all, that bad boy runs hot.

You're telling me.

Hey, guys, how was fishing?

It was all right.

Best trip ever. Ice fishing-five!


You're gonna be late for your shift.

I gotta stop with the long fantasies.
They're never worth it.

All right, kid, I expect updates
on my daughter every 15 minutes,

or what, Perry?

You will be let go.

I love that you're the boss now.

Honest to God,
it almost makes you seem attractive.

Thanks. How in the hell did Kelso
deal with all this paperwork?

What do you want, Ted?

Now that you're Chief,
I'm your number two.

I think you'll find me
more than qualified.

I'm hard-working, reliable

and I recently figured out
how to open up my briefcase.

Congrats. Take a look at that for me
and grab me a cup of coffee.

No sweat.

I just had it.

- Dr Cox...
- Chief Dr Cox.

Hey, your initials are C.D.C.
That was my nickname in my sorority.

Crying Drunk Chick.

Of course.

Anyway, you know
that Plomox lawsuit?

Well, last year I prescribed it to one
of my diabetic patients

who might be entitled to some
of that settlement money.

So I was just wondering if you could
have someone cover my patients

while I go meet with him.

Whatever it takes
to get you to stop talking.

Hey, I'll drive you if we can pick up
Sam from day care on the way back.

- Yeah. Thanks.
- Cool.

I just want you to know my thoughts
and prayers are with your daughter.

Can you make him stop talking?

I've tried for seven years.
It can't be done.

Okay, lzzy is down for her nap.
What's with the champagne?

Izzy's sleeping through the night

and us finally finding a nanny
who's not a thief.

I still don't think
we needed to fire Mrs Norton

just because she ate
the last of your rice pudding.

I wrote my name on it, okay?

No! It's... No, wait! I wrote my...


My point is, for the first time
since you were pregnant,

I feel like we finally have time
to be us again.

- Let's do this.
- Let's do it!

- Baby, no, come on, no.
- Let me do it.

- I know how to do it.
- Just come... Now let...

I got it. Look what...


To us.

Ted, what are you doing?

I'm bringing a cup of coffee to Dr Cox.

Why? That's not your job.

Come on, you got a fresh start here.

You gonna stick to the same dynamic
you had with Dr Kelso?

Remember how that started?

Hi, Dr Kelso.
Theodore Buckland, licensed attorney.

Ted, before you get started,
and trust me, I hate asking this,

would you mind doing me one tiny little
non-work-related favour?

No problem, man.

Make sure you get
the back side of that grill.

I hit the neighbour's cat last night.

Quick little bastard.
I had to cross two lanes to get him.

My point is you could be
a whole new Ted.

Now, come on. Turn around.
Chest out, stand tall. Chin up.

Blink your eyes real fast.

Just kidding, that was for me.
Give me that.

- Don't you have to clean that up?
- Not on Tuesdays.

Now I want you to get in there,
and tell Dr Cox what's what.

- Dr Cox.
- Chief Dr Cox.

Chief Dr Cox, I'm a lawyer.
I shouldn't have to get you coffee.

How do you feel about that?

I can't even pretend to care.

Fine, no more getting me coffee.

Is this really that big
of a moment for you?

- My patient's running late.
- Why are we meeting him here?

Because the last time I met a patient
at their house, I ended up on the news.

- Was that the crack raid?
- It was.

We're just gonna wait?
I wish Turk was here.

I wonder what he's doing right now.

I just want to make sure
everything's normal.

I'm only feeling one testicle.

Yeah, you are.

Why do you wish Turk was here?

I don't know. We'd goof around.

Why can't you goof around with me?

Elliot, our friendship is different
than mine and Turk's.

I can goof around, J.D.
I can goof around hard.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Then follow me.

And now we wait.

Hey, Mr Middle Eastern manager guy,

I hope you got a tight grip on that drink.

One cheeseburger and fries, please!

All right, you got to hold on
to that new confidence, yeah?

There's Cindy.
Let me see the new Ted in action.

Hey, Cindy.

I want to make you pregnant.

How did I do?

For the first time,
I'm looking down at your bald head

and I'm not just seeing my reflection.
I'm seeing a man. Come on.

Nice work on the renovation, boys.

We also had an organ donor
come into the morgue today,

so I'd like to introduce our new mascot,
Barry Morris' brain.

I dub that gross. Second?

Okay, noted in the minutes as "gross."

Now, next order of business. Activities.

I had an idea for tonight.
Why don't we play cards?

It's Tuesday, Ted.

On Tuesdays, you guys clean
the hospital, remember?

We went over this
when I threw down your coffee.

I want to play cards!

I am not being ridiculous.

To be safe, I'm gonna line
your boxers with bubble wrap.

Look, we haven't talked
about whether we want another kid

and if something happened...

I just don't want
that decision to be made for us.

No decision's been made.

Are you sure?

I know there's only one down there,
but he's the better one.

He's like Tina Turner after she left lke.

Stronger, more confident

and he's gonna have
a very successful solo career.



Stop yelling!

It's funny every time.

Are you Dr Reid? I'm Adam Candy.

I never treated you.

Oh, great, I called the wrong one.

Wait, if you weren't my patient,

then why did you agree
to meet me here?

You said there might be money.

Well, there isn't. J.D., let's go.

Wait. This looks promising.

The truth is we bring most
of our trouble on ourselves.

Whether it's creating a monster
in your own ranks...

Okay. So everyone has their mop?

Why do we always have to do
what you want to do?

... or pulling a prank
that causes an irate customer

to yank a fast-food manager

through a window
and drive off with him.

Stop! What are you doing? Let go!

- That's new.
- Stop him!

Yep, even something as simple
as opening a bottle of champagne

can have huge ramifications.

Still bubbly.

So, are we still celebrating
the same thing as before?

No. I want another baby. Now.

You want another minute
to think about it?

Yeah, okay.

The manager's fine.

Luckily, he maced the driver
with a packet of hot sauce

before they got to the freeway.

Okay, he doesn't know
you caused this, so stay calm.

Any more information I should know?

Yes, but not about this.

We're doctors.
We like to give out health tips.

You should wear sunscreen,
even with your dark complexion.

Nice save.

We did it. We put up the sign.

You should also stay hydrated.

J.D., we have
to take responsibility, okay?

You gonna cuff us?

For a paper sign? No.

You know how many people
get shot around here?

She probably does. You know she got
caught on TV in a crack den?


Well, I'm sure he probably knows.
It's on the docket.

Okay, there's one thing
we have to remember,

and that's that I decide
what's best for the Brain Trust.

I thought this was a democracy.

Oh, then it's just miscommunication.

No, the Brain Trust is a dictatorship
masquerading as a democracy.

I know that you all remember
when I seized power

during the revolution of '02
when I overthrew Kyle

during The Battle
of the Basement Supply Closet.

Or have you forgotten your history?

Well, maybe I'll just start
my own Brain Trust.

You can't. Brain Trust is a registered
trademark. I own that name.

And Chanel.

Well, maybe I'll just call it
the Brain Bunch.

You wouldn't dare.

Brain Bunch!

I'm staying. Brain Trust!

You mind switching? You know
how this guy makes me crazy.

Oh, fine.

- Brain Trust!
- Brain Bunch!

Okay, I'm ready to tell you what I think.

I think pregnancy
was really tough on you,

and the postpartum stuff
put a strain on our relationship,

and we finally got our life back

and so it's really hard to think
about having another baby right now.

Okay, I said it.
You can kick my ass now if you want.

Turk, I'm not mad.

To do this,
we both have to be onboard.

Just... Promise me
you'll keep thinking about it.

Yeah. Come here.

Hey, did you know
that women actually have a hormone

that helps them forget
all that horrible pregnancy stuff?


That's interesting because men
have a hormone that helps them

forget about sleeping with fat chicks.

You used that hormone a lot
when you were younger, didn't you?

Frick. I can't find Adam Candy.

All right, what was he wearing
the last time you saw him?

J.D., that was three years ago.

Why do you care so much
if this guy gets money?

I didn't ask for your help, okay?

What's going on here?

This is a Brain Trust table.

I don't see your flag on it.

That's because
we're not using flags any more.

We're using napkin holders.

There. Brain Trust table.

Those two should have
their own sitcom.

I'm a lawyer

I'm a janitor

Together we adopted a cute little kid

We're Legal Custodians

- Get it?
- Get it?

I'd watch that show. Would you?

Will Dr Cox please report
to the Board meeting?

- Dr Cox.
- Chief Dr Cox.

Correction. Chief Dr Cox.

- That was weird.
- No, not so weird.

I'm just having him
do the announcements right over there.

Hey, Jordan. You look nice today.

Thank you.

What's the deal there, gum ball?

Carla wants another kid,
but I'm not sure yet.

I can't help but go
to a dark place, you know?

We're already blessed
with this beautiful, healthy daughter,

but what if the amnio comes back,
and it's the worst possible news?

It's another girl.

- You're having another baby?
- I don't know yet.

I'll tell you what I don't know.
What I'm gonna do about New Ted.

Who's he talking to?

- Another baby would be so cool, dude.
- Old Ted was cool.

Which one is Ted?
Did he have a baby with the Janitor?

Only in their sitcom.

Legal Custodians

Get it?

You people are driving me crazy.

You know who's driving me crazy?

She's obsessed with getting money

for one of her patients
who took Plomox.

I should have more patience
with New Ted.

He means
the other kind of patience, right?

I'm not sure. I'm lost.

- I'm lost, too.
- Me, too.

How do I make this decision?

That decision has already been made.

If Carla wants to have another baby,
she's gonna have another baby.

The one thing you got to focus on,

is getting something
out of this deal for yourself.

I created New Ted, so I should deal
with it myself. Thank you very much.

Glad to be of help. I'm out.

You want to get
something good from Carla?

You got to just pretend that
you really don't even want another kid.

But that's not true.

Yeah, but you walk around this hospital
acting like you have two testicles

and that's damn sure not true.

And I'm in.

We're having a fake one put in.

If Carla wants you
to have a baby so badly,

why would she insist
you have a surgery

that could potentially harm
your one working nut?

Carla doesn't want the prosthetic.

- I do.
- Why would you lie?

Sometimes you say you're doing
something for someone else

when you really want to do it
for yourself.

I get it.
Maybe that's what Elliot's doing.

What in the hell are you talking about?

I'm just doing this thing
where I use a slice of wisdom

from someone else's life,
to solve a problem in my own life.

- Seems coincidental.
- And yet I do it almost every week.

Good news. Jennifer's procedure
is done and we get to leave this room.

I'm not quite sure which one
I'm more excited about.

Come now.

It was never about him, was it?

It was about you.
Your patient, Adam Candy.

You thought you killed him.

Forgive me for being
one of those weird doctors

who was concerned
they might have killed a human being.

Well, I checked with county records
and your patient did die.

He was hit by a truck.


So it wasn't the Plomox?
He didn't have a heart attack?

He may have. You know, in the split
second before the truck hit him.

It's hard to know for sure.

Why didn't you tell me the truth, Elliot?

Why, because we're
such great friends?

J.D., after hanging out with me
for 10 minutes

at that fast-food place,
you were wishing that Turk was there.

And that hurt your feelings?

I was psyched to hang out with you.

I mean, so psyched that I even caused

some Middle Eastern man
to get kidnapped and driven away.

Which is probably the exact kind of
thing he came to this country to avoid.

I'm off. And as you can see,
Sam is jonesing for his afternoon latte.

You want to join us?

Why, because you feel guilty?

No, because I wanna hang out
with you.

Don't look at him.

There are many ways
to restore a relationship.

Whether it's by extending
an olive branch.

What the hell are you doing here?

Take it easy. Just hear me out.

I would like to call to order
tonight's meeting of the Brain Trust.

First item of business,
tomorrow night's activities.

Ted, I believe you think
it would be fun to play cards.

Well, as a matter of fact, I did.

Or by striking a bargain.

Still not sure about this baby thing.

Listen, we've been so connected lately,
and I really don't want to lose that.

How can I convince you that we won't?

Agree to have sex with me
every day for two months.

One month.

Okay, but that means if I tap you
on your shoulder

and you're in the middle of something,

you got to drop it like it's hot
and give it to Daddy.

- Deal.
- Deal.

Or by making a good friend
feel like just that.

Hey, guys.
The barista said Sam looked like us.

It's so weird how people think
that we're the parents.

Well, I understand
why he thinks he looks like me

because we both have blue eyes
and a little button nose,

but you, it's probably the finger-toes,
'cause you both have crazy, long toes.

What do you guys think?
Where'd they go?

I don't know. I don't know.

You are the cutest.

Look at his smile, he loves that.
Do it again.

You're the cutest.

Look at him smile!