Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 9 - My Perspective - full transcript

When J.D. develops vasovagal syncope, a condition which results in fainting or blackouts, he finds himself not only having to deal with losing his girlfriend and his apartment, but also his consciousness.

I'm such a total loser.
My girlfriend and I broke up,

I live in a tent, plus I feel sick enough
to actually get checked out,

and guess who's on call?

- That doesn't look right.
- What? What is it?

You have a penis,
or that's what I think it is.

It's a penis.

Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead
and give you that blood test?

I wasn't the only one suffering.

Turk's intern, Milos,
was driving him nuts.

See, Milos was already
an accomplished surgeon

in his war-torn homeland, but he still
had to re-do his residency here.

Okay, everyone, let's take a look at that
subcuticular stitch on Mr Roth's chest.

That is beautiful.

We could all learn from
whatever attending did that.

It was me.
Would you like to take break?

I finish taking
frightened bunnies on rounds.

No, Milos.
I would not like to take a break.

I'm absolutely fine right here,
thank you.

Okay, fine.

You know what? Everyone head down
to observation and check out

Mr Foley's arm re-attachment.

What, you don't think you can learn
from seeing an actual

arm re-attachment, Milos?

I re-attach child's arm once
in rusty shell of car.

I can still see dead bodies
that littered streets

as my country burnt to ground.

Milos is so lucky.

Turk, you're the only one in the world
who would think that.

- Milos is so lucky.
- That's what I'm sayin'.

Brown Bear, thanks for spending
so much time with me lately.

I just feel like my whole life
is in the crapper.

Oh, man, you'll turn this around.

There goes Buzz and Donna,
off to the marriage counsellor.

Buzz feels inadequate
because he lost his job at Foot Locker.

Now his dingle won't work.

I should not have given you
the spy equipment for your birthday.

Are you kidding me?

I need it so I know when I can
sneak over and use the can.

And by the way,
I'm using the front bathroom now

because it has a hook on the door
so I can hang up my pants.

You finally started listening to me.

You're right, my friend. Man is the only
animal that wears pants during twosies.

It's just so unnatural.

Newbie's test results came back.
He's got vasovagal syncope.

- And that makes you happy?
- If he's vigourously valsalving,

he can activate his reflex
and actually lose consciousness.

Carla, he'll pass out when he poops.

Buzz, Donna? How was counselling?

Would one of you mind handing me
my chinos?

Turk, I need help.

Buzz is mad.

Well, I read up on vasovagal syncope.

To treat it,
I have to work on reducing my stress.

At least Buzz agreed
not to call the cops if I don't tell

all the other neighbours
Donna's barren.

Damn, dude, you got it pretty rough.

You hear that, everybody?
I do have it rough,

and that's coming from a man who
knows a teensy bit about adversity.

And why is that, Turk?

- Because I'm black.
- No, because you have diabetes.

What's hard about being black?

Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso
and I like whores.

Now, why don't I introduce
myself like that?

Because there is a time
and a place for the truth.

Now, you take Dorian's intern,
Brendan, for example.

He told his patient that it was the first
time he was performing a spinal tap.

And what did the patient do, Doctor?

Well, she started to hyperventilate,
and then she reached for a hit

of what she thought
was an oxygen tank.

It turned out to be
a helium container from paediatrics.

Then she screams,
"I'll kill you, bitches!"

Which, frankly,
we all thought was hilarious.

Oh, indeed it was.
But you know what wasn't?

When she ran for the door,
tripped and fell and broke her femur.

Now she's suing the hospital,
and since Ted is our lawyer,

what's going to happen?

Girlfriend's gonna get paid.

So, you called this meeting
to say we should lie more?

Sorry there, Bobbo, but I'm gonna
go ahead and tell the truth

whenever I damn well please.
For instance, your tie. It's hideous.

In fact, its only redeeming quality
is to divert attention

from the very visible
outline of your man girdle.

- Too mean.
- Sorry.

Hey, have fun the next couple days.
I'm going on vacation.

And you're taking a mop?

Yeah. It's a custodial cruise.

Pretty cool, huh? Check this out.
It's really a great package

for guys like me. Guests have
the option of cleaning their own rooms.

Where else are you gonna get that?

There's a shuffleboard with little
urinal cakes instead of the discs.

That's funny. No way!
Special appearance

by Pat Harrington,
Schneider from One Day at a Time.

He's gonna be there
signing work boots.

Gonna be any chicks there?

No maids allowed. You know
how janitors feel about maids.

I do now.

Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get
20 bucks from me to tape you

to the ceiling of the cafeteria tomorrow,
and I'm telling you this because

I figure you've already zoned out
and have stopped listening to me.

Am I right?

I don't know what the Janitor had said,

but I feel like things are looking up.

He's leaving, plus I have friends

who are more than happy
to be there for me.

Okay, I've been taking care of J.D. all
week. It's now up to one of you guys.

Go ahead, honey.
Use your new "go-to" excuse.

I can't, I have a baby!

Hey, I have responsibilities, too, okay?
I mean, Keith and I are still in the stage

of our relationship where
I don't hate having sex with him,

and I would like to keep that going.

Elliot, I've spent the last 10 years
getting J.D. through break-ups

and emotional spirals.

I had to have sex with him.
You ever have to do that?

Well, I say y'all step outside
and handle this like we used to

- back in my day.
- Muskets?

Bedpan race!

Put your bedpans on, Elliot.

- I thought we were carrying them.
- Put 'em on!

Last one down
gets to take care of J.D.

Ready, go!

This is a hospital. Keep it quiet!


- There ain't no rules in bedpan racing.
- Frick!

Totally psyched to be here, buddy.
Let's start talking about your life.

Okay, but first I have to go
to the bathroom. Do me a favour.

Tie this string around your wrist.
If you feel it tug,

that means I'm down.
Run in and check on me.


How is Izzy doing?

Wow, look at you,
remembering my daughter's name.

I'm telling you, your short-term memory
is getting better.

Nah, I had the nurses
write some stuff down. See?

Apparently, I like bananas, and whoa,
I'm getting more surgery tomorrow?

You have a small bowel obstruction.
Basically, the shrapnel in your stomach

has caused scar tissue to form.

In Iraq, we preferred to think of
shrapnel as internal body bling.

Well, then bling, bling!

So, have any of your patients
ever died from this procedure?

Yeah, a couple years ago.

A guy had a bad reaction
to anaesthesia,

but that's not gonna happen to you.

You know what? You should
have a nurse write that down.

I like bananas.

You shouldn't have told him the truth,
ooth, ooth, ooth.

- Dr Kelso...
- Ooth.

You can "ooth" all you want,
but I'm not gonna BS Brian.

Look, J.D.,
we all have low moments in our lives.

I mean, in high school, I had
this amazing teacher, Mr Higgins,

and he was funny and inspiring.

I mean, he was like
a second father to me.

And then one day I found out that
he was sleeping with his students,

and I was crushed.

I mean, why not me, you know?
And it wasn't my lazy eye,

because that was fixed by prom.

Anyway, eventually I realised that
your troubles don't seem so bad

if you just stop talking
about them all the time.

You know what else sucks
about my life?

Now even my neighbours
are screwing with my head.

- You called about a wolf?
- A wolf? No.

Someone called 911 on that phone,
claiming there was a wolf in this yard.

This has Buzz written all over it.

He's upset with me,
but he won't talk about it

because his peep won't perform!

He pooped in our house!

I don't know why he can't get past that.

Whoever has the other end
of this string, that's not funny!

Oh, my boobs do look good when
they're wet, though, don't they?

Yeah, they do.

And we'll make
the laparoscopic incision right here.

- Todd, anything to add?
- Your nipples are stunning.

Hey, thanks, brother.

It make Milos sad
that he have to answer to you.

Interns, disperse.

What the hell is "TheToddTime. com"?

Log on and thank me later.


- Send.
- Dude!

That guy is such a meathead.

Come on, I thought all you surgeons
were a bunch of brainiacs.

I'm sure you got straight A's
since pre-school, right?

Are you kidding me?

My girlfriend wasn't the only one
with 34 C's,

if you know what I'm saying!

- No.
- Yeah, I was an average student.

- J.D., you should not drive.
- I've only had two Appletinis.

J.D., I know when you're tipsy.
You always get super handsy.

You know what? You're right.
Looks like I'm smugglin' raisins.

I'm close by.
I'll just push my scooter home.

And now for a little radio.

Welcome to Sports Talk.

Ah, much better.

Ah, Billy, after the Arctic and
the Pacific, you're my favourite Ocean.

Dr Kelso, what the hell? Why are you
taking me off of Brian's surgery?

Well, since you told him
you were just an average student,

he doesn't want you to do it any more.

And for extra fun,
guess who I got to replace you?


I guess you should have followed
my advice, vice, vice.

I come back. Finish later.

Sir, are you there? We sent an officer.


- There better be a wolf this time.
- Oh, I'm not the person who called.

- Wait, have you been drinking?
- A little, all right.

- But I wasn't driving.
- There's a key in your ignition.

In this state, that's drinking and driving.

Officer, we both know
you're not gonna haul me in for that.

So, how was prison?
Were you scared?

Actually, my cellmates
were a little scared of me.

- That's hardcore, man.
- Why'd he hang up his pants?

After I became a member of the gang,

I even got to help
initiate new members.

- Kick him!
- You like that, you punk-ass bitch?

Take it!

I wonder if we'll stay in touch.

Turkleton, feel free to stop by
Brian's surgery and check out

Dr Radovichovniciviszik's
operating skills.

Unlike you, he understands
the importance of good grades.

Look, Carla, eventually it'll get out,
so I'm just gonna tell everyone

I got an S.U.I.

"Scooting under the influence"?
Are you crazy?

- Keep that to yourself.
- Shush.

May I have everyone's
attention please?

The reason Turk didn't want me
to say anything

was because this had just happened.

You know those two upstairs
who got hit by the drunk driver?

The daughter's gonna make it,
but the mom died.

Anyway, back to the present.

Last night,
I got arrested for drunk driving.

But I swear to you all,
it is not a big deal.

No, he didn't.

And suddenly I knew what it felt like
to be universally despised.


As some of you know,
I'm not a huge fan of fire, okay?

So, why don't we talk this out?
I'll go first.

Carl, obviously, I owe you an apology.
I ate your daughter's face.

Uncool, Carl. Not down with the fire.

Okay, in here we have Mrs Frank,
who is in renal failure,

and over here we have Dr Turtlehead,
who is suffering from

a severe case of the "sulkies. "

Symptoms include bad posture,
mopey face

and a sudden uncontrollable flailing
of the upper extremities.

Is it possible I've misdiagnosed
this malady?

- No!
- There it is. That a boy.

Beat it, all of you!

I can't lie to a patient
'cause Dr Kelso wants me to.

See that guy in there?
He has pancreatic cancer.

Now, you and I both know he's a goner,
but if he were to come out here

and ask if he has hope,
what am I supposed to say, "No"?

- So are you saying I should lie?
- Of course not.

See that guy over there?
Now, the only way he is ever gonna

walk again is if he goes through years
of painful physical therapy,

but if he was to come over here
and ask me, "Is it gonna be hard?"

I'd tell him, "Damn skippy,
it's gonna be hard. " Gandhi,

you gotta tell your patients the truth.

Now, is that brain of yours
starting to hurt?

It should, because it's not as large
as a normal-size brain.

Listen carefully. Kelso lies
selfishly and indiscriminately.

You, you gotta draw your own line.

This is half an ibuprofen. It is the
perfect dose for your pea-sized brain.

Take it after I leave. You'll save
yourself the embarrassment.

Dr Dorian? I promised the Janitor
I'd show you this e-mail.

Can you guys look away?
I need to enter my password.

Alligator3. Okay, you can look now.

I just wanted to update you on my trip.

Yesterday, we took over the ship.
Captured a bunch of people

and tied them up, pirate-style.
Now, we can do whatever we want,

including this. Watch.
Anything goes, man.

I gotta go, it's my turn to steer.
Step on the gas!

Hey, thinking about you, hope
everything's going as well for you.

It's not. I can't even convince
the voice in my head

that things are gonna turn around.

- What do you want me to say, man?
- Hey, come on, buddy,

we'll cheer you up. Come on.

There you are. You gotta help
pull J.D. out of this spiral.

Any other day, I'd say "No,"
but today, I'm gonna go ahead

- and just say, "No. "
- He took care of you when you were

wallowing on your couch drinking
Scotch like it was vodka.

I accidentally killed three people.
He got arrested for pushing a scooter,

- and he passes out when he poos.
- Okay, you're going to help him.

But just answer me this one question.
After six long years,

aren't you getting tired
of taking care of him?

Of course we are,
but we're his friends.

I heard every word.

See, unfortunately,
I had forgotten that Ted and Todd

were under janitorial orders
to tape me to the ceiling.

But forgetting things isn't always bad.

So, Dr Turk, you psyched
to do my surgery today?


In fact, it can give you
a second chance.

Duct tape five!

That guy is such a meathead.
I always thought you surgeons were

a bunch of brainiacs. I'm sure you got
straight A's since pre-school, right?

A second chance
to define who you truly are.

Are you kidding?
My girlfriend wasn't the only one

with 34 C's in high school.
You know what I'm sayin'?

Still don't know what I'm sayin'?
I was an average student.


But when I realised I wanted to be
a surgeon, I got my act together.

Brian, if I didn't think I was the
right person to perform this operation,

I wouldn't do it. Okay?


During those two hours
I was stuck to the ceiling,

I witnessed some pretty weird things.

I'll see you tonight, Dad.

But mostly, I witnessed the greatest
hits of my own self-pity.

I can't get Dr Cox to notice me.

I'm dating my best friend,
but I don't think I love her.

I'm lonely.

I'm a loser.

You've gotta help me out.

- Help me out.
- Help me.

And I understood how my friends felt,

because I couldn't stand it
for two hours, let alone six years.

I wash it every day, I condition,
but I just can't get it where I want it.

For the love of God, mousse and twist!

Don't you have something
you want to say?

Listen, I would really like it if
you'd go out and grab a beer with me.

What do you say?

And even though I'd finally gotten
a totally sincere,

spontaneous invite from Dr Cox,
I knew my answer.

- No, thanks. I have plans.
- Thank you, God! Yes, that still counts.

I didn't have plans, but I did have
a whole new perspective.

You can stick to your convictions
and hopefully get rewarded.

Okay, everybody.

I want everyone to stay focused. Good
work today, nothing but your best.

Are we clear?

Even if other people end up
a little peeved.

This will only make you stronger.

And, yeah, my life was still in the
crapper, but it felt good to finally

be dealing with it on my own.

Okay, he bought the fake cruise.

If he calls the cops now,
nobody's coming.

Time for phase three of
Operation: Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Now, Jason,
we've worked on this all week, right?

Here's what you're thinking.
I'm lost in the city, I'm hungry,

and this is the guy that killed my mom
with a snowmobile.

Make me believe it.

And go!

Seriously, bad wolfie, bad wolfie!

Not in the face, not in the face!
Jason, stop! Janitor. Wrong guy!

Bad, Jason, no!

Yup, things were finally looking up.

Oh, man! No, Jason. No! Whoa!