Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 21 - My Rabbit - full transcript

The reason time had slowed down
was because I had just been

blind-sided by the
two most important women in my life.

First, Elliot asked me this.

J.D., do you think I'm making
a mistake by marrying Keith?

And then my ex-girlfriend, Kim,

who had lied and told me
she had a miscarriage,

followed me back from a medical
convention and asked me this.

J.D., how could you
just leave me there?

Holy frick, you're still pregnant!

Hey, do you think that
I should marry Keith?

Fortunately, Carla had special
maid-of-honour radar



that let her know
when Elliot was obsessing.

Elliot, I already told you,

you're just going through
some pre-wedding panic.

Here.

This is how it'll feel when you walk out
of that church, married.

Clap, damn it!

Thank you!

Thank you all.

Look, I know you're angry,
but you promised we'd talk,

and then you just left me
stranded there at that bar.

You know what? You're right.

I'm sorry.
Let me just file these and we'll talk.

Great.

Hello?



How could you do this to me again?

Cut me some slack,
I just found out I'm still having a baby.

I get it.

Look, I just ordered a cup of coffee.
I know you can't have caffeine,

but you want me to get you some tea
and we can sit and talk?

That would be great.

It's open, Kim.

J.D., what the hell?

Okay, that one was a little excessive,
I'm sorry.

It's just that every time
I think about running away,

I look at the fat guy in the track suit

with the giant rabbit head
and he doesn't say anything.

- Okay, elaborating would help.
- He's my conscience.

I realised I'd listen to it more

if I imagined something
I was really afraid of.

The track suit because I had this mean

phys-ed teacher in high school
named Mr Fratelli.

And the rabbit head because my uncle
once ate rabbit and he got belly worms.

Look, I wanted to talk to you because,
well, the baby's due in a month.

And I guess I was hoping
that you'd want me to have it here.

You know, so that we could
go through it together.

Really?

I'm sorry, Kim.
This is a big deal for me.

I think I need to be alone right now.

Thanks for being
alone with me, Choco.

- So, what should I do?
- Well, it's a tough call.

When it comes to babies,
women are crazy.

If you would, please, can you hold her
by that rim over there, right?

I'm gonna Photoshop a basketball into
her hand and then Photoshop you out.

Everybody's gonna think
my baby can dunk! Right?

It's gonna be crazy!

Maybe I should ask another dad.

I know what Kim did to you
was just crazy,

but pregnant women are among
a select group of people

who are actually allowed to act insane.

Much like sports mascots,
local weathermen,

theme park performers and that guy
with the question-mark jacket

who teaches people how to get
free money from the government.

Besides, we're talking about your kid.

I think we both know what
you're gonna do.

Okay, I'm in.

- Really?
- Yeah, you can even stay here.

- But this is only a one-bedroom.
- This couch isn't that uncomfortable.

Thanks.

Actually, I'm gonna go
lie down right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You get the couch, I get the bed.

Was that not clear?

Dorian! She's pregnant,
give her the bed.

- Fine, you can have the bed.
- You're a great guy, J.D.

Dorian, don't watch a nudie movie

with the mother of your child
in the next room.

- Really?
- Nah, I'm cool with it.

Have I got a carrot for her.

Since Kim didn't have
an OB here in town,

we made her an appointment
at the hospital.

Unfortunately, that meant she had to
face all of the people

who were mad at her
for what she'd done.

There was my best friend,
who was furious,

and my mentor, who was equally
upset, but didn't want to show it.

- Hi, Kim.
- Hey, Perry.

And other acquaintances, who were
much more loyal than I thought.

- Hussy.
- Liar.

Jerk. Who is that?

All this group anger's made me hungry.

Of course, everything makes me
hungry right now.

Well, I gotta go check on a patient.
I'll meet you upstairs?

Great.

Hey, and by the way, all of this
sympathy that's coming your way?

That's gonna turn.

And when it does, I'm gonna be here
and I'm gonna enjoy...

Hey, not finished.

It.

Mr Fulton, the reason
you're having chronic pain

and trouble walking is
you have peripheral arterial disease.

How do you treat it?

Well, that's why I brought in
a surgical consult.

- Dr Turk?
- One second, please.

Turk liked patients to see him
intensely studying their charts,

because he felt it instilled confidence.

Only I knew the clipboard was blank.

Interesting stuff.

We're gonna discuss some options
and get back to you.

Since Turk was a surgeon,
he always had the same answer.

I'm slicin' that guy open.

Vascular surgery on a guy his age?

Dude, I've done tons of these and, yes,
there's a risk.

But with this type of surgery, his quality
of life would improve like that.

I'm telling you, he could be
playing tennis by the weekend.

What do you think, Perry?

Let me phrase my response
in the form of a riddle.

What's black and white
and should never,

ever, ever be allowed inside
of a hospital?

Is it Lloyd and Sharisse?

Because their PDA
has gotten out of control.

And yet,
you two still nauseate me more.

Oh, my God.

Is it still funny to yell, "Get a room"?

I don't care, I'm goin' for it.

Get a room!

Hey, guys.

Hey, Kim.

How could you be so nice to her
after what she did?

- I wasn't nice. That was neutral.
- "Neutral"?

"Hey, Kim!" That's neutral?

- She's with child.
- Oh, so she's with child.

Fine!

I'll do it over.

Kim?

Great.

That sucked.

How did you get so good
at being mean?

It gets much easier
when you're married.

Oh! Speaking of which,
I'm throwing you a bachelorette party.

Carla!

I'm your maid of honour,
and you haven't let me do anything yet.

Since you got engaged, you've become
much more of a control freak.

Oh, I'm not that bad.

You wrote my wedding toast.

Yeah, I just wanted to make sure
there weren't any sex jokes in there,

because my Grandma Lottie
still thinks I'm a virgin,

despite what was painted on
our town's water tower.

Well, what about your honeymoon?

I just want a hotel that's on the beach.

Oh, and it's got to have a bathroom
with a bidet,

because I cannot wear my "going-out"
thong if I've got sand in my patootie.

That's why Travelocity's so great.

You can compare four hotels at once,

plus, there's tons of user reviews
to help you.

See, wouldn't I make
a great spokesperson?

Screw Hawaii.
Know where you should go?

Turk, for the last time,
there's no place called Kokomo.

Where'd the Beach Boys
shoot the video, huh?

I'm going to Hawaii.

I'm booked!

Hey, babe, still thinking about going
skiing for our honeymoon?

Oh, sure, sweetie.
That's a total possibility.

Okay, so I know what I like.

Kim, everything looks good.

But since you're a new patient,
I'd like to do an ultrasound.

I'll be right back.

I hate ultrasounds.

The gel feels like a whale hocked
a loogey on my belly.

Plus, I'm always afraid
in the first few seconds

they're not going to feel a heartbeat.

Relax, Kim. Dorians are known
for their strong will to live.

J.D., thank you for being here.

It's making it a lot easier
to get through this.

Well, then I'm glad I'm here.

So, do you want to know the sex of the
baby? 'Cause I already found out.

- Hit me.
- It's a boy.

A boy.

- What's his name?
- He didn't say.

- We have to pick one.
- Can we name him Sam, after my dad?

After what I did to you, you can name
this kid whatever the hell you want.

We can name him
Sam Perry Gilligan Dorian?

Perry just 'cause
I kinda like the ring to it.

Sure.

And Gilligan 'cause I lost
that bet to Turk.

Those are all better than anything
nerdy like Aragorn or Chewbacca.

Turk has dibs on Chewy.

Turk?

Should I get a male stripper
for Elliot's bachelorette party?

Are you looking for a Caucasian boy
or more exotic fare?

What?

Once spring rolls around,
Enid gets a little randy,

so I throw a 20 to Churro, our
neighbour's Guatemalan house boy,

to get in our basement
and let Enid chase him around

in a wheelchair until the juice runs out.

Churro hates America.

Yeah, I wonder why.

Okay, Mr Fulton,
it's almost time to prep you for surgery.

Hello. Cute granddaughter.

Actually, she's my daughter.

Congratulations. I got a daughter, too.

Yeah. Six months,
already playing basketball.

So, check out the party plans.

A limo takes all the girls to the spa
for a margi-marti-pedi party.

That's margaritas, martinis
and pedicures.

Oh, what about a
margi-marti-mani-pedi party?

You can't get manis.

You need your hands free for
the margaritas and the martinis.

Carla, this rocks.

I know.

What? What?
What could possibly be wrong?

Well, I just noticed that you've put
Ronnie Eppelito on the list.

See, I just like being the only girl
on the list with a boy's name.

And I find it odd that a month
after I start working here,

she changes her name
from Veronica to Ronnie.

Sure, Ronnie claims that

it's 'cause she doesn't want
the same name as her mom,

seeing as her mom snapped
and set fire to that pre-school,

but I still think
it's a teensy bit coinky-dinky.

No problem, Ronnie's out.

Wait, I'm not sure yet.

I mean, Ronnie's also got, like,
the best crazy mom stories.

We are talking multiple felonies,

including the attempted assassination
of a federal judge.

Fun.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Plus, I'm not so sure we don't want to
have a sit-down dinner.

You know, maybe do something
a little less girly,

like bowling or paint ball or fight club...

- Okay, let's make a list.
- Sounds great.

And that's his heart, right there.

Wow. That's amazing.

Just don't get freaked out
by how big his head is

in comparison to the rest of his body.

Trick or treat!

What great costumes.

I wouldn't recognise any of you.

Well, except for you.
You're Dorian's kid.

Damn it!

I bet he could fit a lot of
candy corn in those cheeks.

I just hope he doesn't get
my dad's dainty hands

or my mom's patchy facial hair,
and, no, I didn't flip those.

I just want what every father
wants for his son.

Health, happiness
and a life-long obsession

with American musical theatre.

This has been the first good day
for me in a long time, J.D.

- Thank you.
- I'm glad.

I have to admit something.

Last night, when I went into your room,
I couldn't fall asleep.

I just laid on the bed,
staring at the door,

hoping you might come in.

- Kim...
- I know.

You don't trust me,
and I don't even know if you like me.

I don't really like myself right now.

But do you think there's a one in
a million chance that a year from now

or five years from now, you could
get to a place where you forgive me

and then maybe, you know,

we could give it another shot?

"No" is a powerful word.

It can surprise a colleague.

Aren't you supposed to do surgery
on that guy today?

No, I decided to cancel it.

Okay, I just got us into a great gay bar
for some grope-free dancing.

Now, I just have to call
a few restaurants.

"No" can piss off a friend.

- Do you want some help, Elliot?
- No, Carla, I've got it.

Luckily, with Kim, it was easy just
to say "yes" and make her feel better.

No, Kim, I'm sorry.

There's not any chance.

Unfortunately, I couldn't do it.

Oh, what'd I miss?

I felt bad about hurting Kim,

so, out of compassion,
I pawned her off on my friends.

Fine. She can come with us,
but I'm not gonna be nice to her.

Thanks.

And listen, anytime you need
a weekend to yourself,

want me to take that annoying husband
off your hands, just let me know.

- Done.
- Win, win.

So where are you guys gonna go?

We're gonna go look at bridesmaids'
dresses to see what Carla thinks.

Oh, yeah,
because my opinion matters so much.

What the frick is with you?

Are you really that immature?

I'm gonna go check
on Mr Fulton's recovery.

- Oh, Mr Fulton didn't have the surgery.
- What?

Damn it, Ted, I want a catfight!

That'll do.

Hey, J.D., check it out,
Ugly Betty holding Izzy.

I don't care about your
stupid Photoshopping, Turk.

Dude, what the hell? That was real!

We saw her at Costco.

You apologise to your friend right now.

I'm sorry about your picture.

- Gym teacher bunny conscience?
- Yeah.

What the hell, man,
why didn't you operate on Mr Fulton?

Dude, I know the pain sucks,
but it's not gonna kill him.

And vascular surgery here is
way too risky for a guy that age.

Wasn't too risky yesterday.

Yeah, well, that was before
I found out he had a kid.

I really want to thank you guys
for bringing me out.

It's nice to get out of the house,
even if you won't talk to me.

- Actually, Kim?
- Yeah?

Would you mind just trying on
this dress for my cousin Leila?

Is she pregnant, too?

Oh, no. Just a fatty-fatty-fatty.

"Would you try on this dress
for my cousin Leila?"

Okay, what is your problem?

You totally took over
the bachelorette party.

- You're a crazy control freak.
- I am not.

Really?

Because even though I know you don't

want the bridesmaids
to wear any jewellery,

I thought I would wear this tiara.
Is that all right with you?

- Of course it is.
- Good.

Because I think it...

I said, "No bling!"

- See, I told you.
- I'll pay for that.

- Kim, are you okay?
- What am I doing here?

Everybody hates me.

I can't get the zipper up
on your big fat cousin's dress.

No wonder J.D. said what he said.

What did he say?

How could you do that
to the mother of your child?

Yeah, all Kim asked was if there was

a one in a million chance
for the two of you,

and you couldn't just give her
a little hope?

Now you're on her side?

She's pregnant! You're supposed to
tell her what she wants to hear.

Yeah, like remember
when Carla was preggers

and we all told her
how beautiful she was,

even though she looked
like George Lopez?

It's the same thing, right?

Okay, fight time-out is over.

Now I'm really pissed at you.

Well, well, well.

- I told you they'd turn on you.
- That's just two people.

Boys.

She's pregnant, man.

- That's uncool.
- How could you do such a thing?

What'd he do?

Hey, Turk, you might want to buckle up
because the Coxian Express...

"Coxian" is not the adjective
version of your name.

It's a clever combination
of Cox and Dorian.

Oh.

Anyway, the aforementioned Express

is about to drop some knowledge
on your brown ass.

You can't change who you are
as a doctor just because you're a dad.

Tell him, Per.

Of course being a father
changes who you are as a doctor.

For God's sake,
it changes everything about ya.

Why did you come
if you were just gonna contradict me?

I don't know, intentionally annoying you
seems pretty Coxian.

That is the adjective version.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to step over there,

so that we can present
a united front against you.

Listen, Newbie, having a kid changes
the way you think about everything.

Hell yeah, it does.

Before Izzy was born, if I saw a
half-eaten meatball sub in the trash,

you better believe I would dust
that bad boy off and go to town on it.

But now, I'm not riskin' my health
eatin' trash food.

I mean, unless it's a corn dog.

Thank God you procreated.

Newbie, the point is,
when that kid comes,

you'll start seeing the world
a whole lot differently.

- You develop patience.
- You learn to forgive easier.

If you've got baby poop on your thumb,

it's no big deal. You can just
rub it off on your jeans like that.

I've seen the Wiggles live in concert.

Twice.

Did they perform Big Red Car?

They opened and closed
the show with it. It was awesome.

Carla, we need to talk.

No, sir, not...

Look, I know that I'm a control freak,
but it's just my nature.

For example, you've got one maverick
hair sticking out of that right eyebrow

that is driving me crazy,
and I want nothing more

than to pin you down and to pluck
the hell out of it, but of course I won't.

Unless you want me to. Never mind.

What I really wanted to say is that
you're my best friend and I'm sorry.

Good, because the party's still on.

But on one condition.

You gotta go the next 20 minutes
without asking any questions

about what we're doing.

I can do that.

Wow, this is so cool!

And time. That's 20 minutes!

What are we doing?
Where is everyone?

- This feels all wrong.
- Elliot, relax.

This is your night,
you get to make all the decisions.

Now, all your friends are standing by.

I have made reservations
at four different restaurants.

I booked a paint ball field,
four lanes at the bowling alley,

and I've made reservations
at various gay dance clubs.

You get to pick what we do,
what we talk about and,

at the end, Keith will show up
to carry you out the door,

reminding the rest of us that
you are the one that's getting married.

And what if I don't like the outfits

that some of the girls are wearing?

Everyone's been told that
they have to bring backup outfits.

Is Ronnie Eppelito coming?

Ronnie is waiting at the next corner,
and she has no idea why.

If you want, we can pick her up.
If not, we can fly right by.

Oh, Carla,
you're the most amazing friend ever!

Duck!

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- This is the best night out!
- I know!

We're getting married!
We're getting married!

Elliot's getting...

I was glad it was late
and that Kim was asleep.

It gave me time to think about
what Turk and Dr Cox said

about fatherhood changing you.

This is Jack,
right after he was feeding some ducks.

Izzy driving a Tonka truck.

And how Elliot was getting married
and moving on with her life.

Here we go.

- Did she try to control everything?
- She wasn't so bad.

Other shoulder, Keith.
It's more comfortable.

But mostly,
I thought about how much it sucked

that my parents were divorced
when I was a kid.

Right here. I'm just checking.

And how much easier life would be
for my son if Kim and I were together.

Come here!

Sammy just told me
he's very ticklish right here.

Oh, right there?

It wasn't just about me any more.

I had to give us a shot.

Hey.

Hey.

Even if it was only one in a million.