Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 20 - My Conventional Wisdom - full transcript

As Eliot begins to plan her wedding with Keith, J.D. continues to question his true feelings for her. In an attempt to ease his best friend's mind Turk takes him to a surgeon's convention in Phoenix, but the plan backfires when J.D. runs into his ex-girlfriend Kim and comes face to face with the unexpected. Meanwhile, Kelso and his cronies party it up at the convention while unbeknown to him the ...

Now that Elliot had accepted
Keith's proposal,

it was time to start planning
the wedding.

Okay, so I took a picture of the church
that we're gonna be married in.

Only imagine that the hearse out front
is actually a horse and a carriage,

and the people in the coffins are us.

You already picked the church?

Yeah, I've reserved it
for the third weekend in July

every year since I was 19.

When I tell Father O'Neill
that I actually need it this time,

he is going to crap
a Communion cracker.

Now, being that it's already May,

we have to decide if we want to
get married in two months,

or a year and two months.

Women tend to hear one thing
when men offer them wedding advice.

So when Keith said this...

Elliot, two months isn't enough time
to plan a wedding.

Elliot heard this...

Go ahead, do whatever you want,
regardless of what I say.


Two months it is.

God, I can't stop thinking about Elliot.

Dude, it's over, okay?
You guys had your chance.

She crushed you, you crushed her.
It was always a train wreck.

- That was then.
- What's so different now?

She's getting married.

I don't know, I guess,
in the back of my head,

I thought even after all the hell
we'd put each other through,

we might end up together, you know?


I mean, what if not being with Elliot
is the biggest mistake of my life?

You've made bigger mistakes.

For tickets to see Basic Instinct 2,
press the pound key.

That one still stings.

Yeah, she didn't even
show her va-jay-jay.

It's on the DVD extras.

It's labelled "vagina. "

Look, hey, I'm going to Phoenix
this weekend for a surgical conference.

Why don't you come with me?
Probably take your mind off of Elliot.

I don't know, Turk.
Would I get my own room?

- We'd have to share.
- Then you know what my answer is.

On our way to Phoenix, yeah!

Hey, you know how in the movies,

when a car gets farther
and farther away,

you can still hear the people talking

like we're right in front of the camera?

Yeah, that drives me crazy.

Hey, I bought snacks for the trip.

Oh, turn left here
to get on the freeway.

No, not yet. I gotta stop and go pee.

I told you to go before we left.

All right,
time to hit the convention floor.

- You got your name tag?
- Yes, I do!

Me, too.

What's all the extra security
around here?

Every year,
the same group of rowdy doctors arrive

and all they do is drink,

hit on women and trash the place.

Oh, God, here they are now.

What up, Phoenix?

That's what I like about the South.

Hey, there, Patrick!

Good to see you again, man.


Oh, Bob. Would you hit that, huh?

What are you, stoned?

I wouldn't hit that
with Staddlemeyer's dong.

Out of my way, boys.

Me and my fellow Chiefs of Medicine
are gonna tear this bitch up!

One of those dudes is gonna die
this weekend.

Come on,
let's go get your mind off Elliot.

It's not that easy to...

Oh, my God. Is that who I think it is?

Yup, Old MC.

I was saving that as a surprise.

He's only the best Young MC
impersonator on the circuit.

The man's a genius.

Let's get him to say, "Bust a move. "

Dude, the guy spends year after year

on the convention circuit
saying that line.

I'm pretty sure
he's sick and tired of saying it.

You're probably right.

Bust a move, man!

Hey, bust a move!

Bust a move, fellas!

You bust a move! It's Old Young MC.

- Check me!
- Bust a move!

You're the one who should
be busting moves!

I can die now.

Elliot was wasting no time

spreading the word
about her wedding.

July 21 st, save the date.

July 21 st, save the date.

Oh, July 21 st, save the date.

How's it going?

Okay, as your maid of honour,

I have to say that two months
is not enough time to plan a wedding.

Wait. I just realised.

You haven't even asked me
to be your maid of honour yet.

Oh, my God, Carla, I've been so busy,
I just assumed you knew that you were.

Carla, will you be my maid of honour?

Of course I will, you're my best friend.

- I love you.
- I love you back!

But seriously, do you realise how much
work goes into planning a wedding?

Yeah. What do you think
I've been doing for the last 10 years?

See? It's all in here.

There's the seating chart,

and the photographer that I reserve
every year under a different alias.

Oh, and here's a photo
of my wedding dress,

which I am totally going to fit into

thanks to that awesome parasite
I got from eating sushi.

Hey, everyone.

I've been looking for a new
role-playing game

ever since my Lord of the Rings club
booted me for using

an actual war hammer.

So would anybody mind if I pretended
to be the Chief of Medicine

while Kelso's out of town?

- Oh, Janitor, you're a natural.
- That's fine.


Let's make cancer feel foolish.

Oh, save the date.

Oh, gosh. July 21?

That's gonna be a problem.


Because I wouldn't go to your wedding
if it was held in my very own backyard.

Hey, can I bring a date?

Oh, what am I thinking?
I'll meet someone there.

And what the hell
have you two been doing all morning?

- You know.
- Meeting.

- Hip-hop hugs.
- Greeting.

We got these.

He gave some hip-hop hugs.

Say I was too nervous to hit on
that girl over there,

what advice would you give me?

Bust a move.

All right, all right.

What if a great song comes on,
but I'm too shy to get down.

What should I do?

Bust a move.

You're awesome, man.

What are you drinking?
We'll buy you one.

Bust a move.

- You know, convention stuff.
- You know, convention stuff.

Look, just because I get to spend

the weekend drinking beer
with the guys

and overpaying the escorts
so they'll do the weird stuff,

doesn't mean you two
get to screw around.

Attend some lectures,
visit some booths,

act like professionals, damn it!

Sir, we are being professional.
Yeah, we were coming over here

just now to check out this booth
right here with the crapper.

Oh, it's much more than that.

If a patient has a bowel movement in it,
it immediately gives a diagnosis.

We call it the Dr Toilet.

Mr Neemith,
I wanted a second opinion,

so I've called in my colleague,
Dr Toilet.

I agree.
The best course of action is dialysis.

Dr Toilet,
I'm sorry about the other day.

I had just had my morning coffee
and a bran muffin.

It was kind of an emergency situation.

I know you were napping,
but it was an accident.

An accident?

Dr Dorian, there are 48 other toilets
in this hospital.

I'm the only one that's a doctor,

and yet you came into my office
and you sat on me.

Didn't you hear me screaming
to get off?

Roger, in my defence,
those sounds were very muffled.

I thought they were coming from me.

You know what, John?
Let's just drop it and move on.

Janine, hold my calls,
I'm gonna take a nap.

Sure thing, Dr Toilet.

I wouldn't be able to help myself.

Hi, Gary, it's Elliot Reid.

I know that we haven't spoke

since you broke up with me
in the 11 th grade,

but I just wanted to let you know
that I'm getting married.

Oh, also I was sorry to hear
that you lost your legs.

I'm notifying all my old boyfriends
that I am officially off the market.

I'm sure the pulse setting on your
showerhead will be devastated.

Look, blondie,

I have a cardiac patient
who needs perfusion imaging,

and since your fancy private practise
has one of those SPECT cameras,

I was hoping you'd let us use it.

Sure, just as long as you promise
to come to my wedding,

the camera's all yours.

Why do you even care?

I know that we don't exactly
like each other,

but over the past six years,
you've become a huge part of my life,

so I would love you to come.

Plus, if you don't, then table 14

will be boy, girl, boy, girl, girl,
and that's insanity.

Jennifer next to Jennifer next to Nadja,

next to Bobby, but then next to Britney,

and Britney doesn't get along
with Jennifer.

Yeah, camera or no camera,

please consider this me checking
the "will not be attending" column.

I'm sorry, Carla, but I need you
to take care of this lab work.

Keith, I'm already covering three floors.

Can you believe this, Ted?

When people try to put me
in the middle of things,

my throat closes.

- Listen here, young Dr Gilchrist.
- That's not my name.

Gilchrist, please.

She's not upset with you
because you asked her to help.

She's upset because you insinuated
her job was less important.

He's actually right.

And you, Nurse Ipanema.

Realise this is a young doctor
under stress.

Ted, come along.

We've much work to do.

- Wait, Ted, Ted, what are you doing?
- I'm a follower.

Okay, when the lecture starts,

I'll start to choke and then you yell,
"Is there a doctor in the house?"

That's gonna kill.
Just be careful, don't really choke.

- That won't be funny.
- No, no.

Do you think if Elliot and I
were still dating,

we'd be getting married?

Dude, you gotta turn this off, all right?
We're on vacation.

There are plenty of hot girls here,
and single.


Elliot getting married
is a big deal for me.

There's not just one girl who's gonna
make me stop thinking about it.

Good afternoon.

I'm Dr Briggs and I'm lecturing

on the use of high-dose radiation
therapy in prostate cancer.

Except maybe the last girl
I was in love with.

I'll be honest with you.

I can't make heads or tails
out of this thing.

When is this hospital
gonna get its own SPECT camera?

That is a very good point
and I am on it.

Ted! Add that to the list.

I will check to see if
the quarterly fiscals

can accommodate the financial comps.

I hope so.

Ted, you do realise
that was all gibberish?

He's just pretending.

He can't make any real changes
in this place.

Tell that to the new
daycare programme.

Hi, Dad.

Jack, what are you doing?


- Oh, who's this?
- I don't know. Get out.

You know, if you're still having
problems with that picture,

all you gotta do is agree
to go to my wedding

and you can use our camera.

Blondie, as attached as I have indeed
become to my patient,

his death due to my inability to see
a clearer picture of his heart

would still be a preferable alternative

to actually having to hear you utter
your self-written vows.

"My dearest Keith,
my heart was like a vault,

"but you picked the lock
like an apple thief

"who picks the first Golden Delicious
of the fall harvest. "

Okay, first of all,
stop reading my wedding binder.

It's private. And...

I cannot believe that
you wouldn't want to come

see me start my life with my soul mate.

Soul mate? Try last resort.

Let's just be honest
for two seconds here.

You basically lived in this dump
for the last six years,

and there weren't that many guys
to choose from,

once you eliminate the women
and the gays.

The too old,

the too poor...

The ones who just barely beat
the rap for murdering their first wife.

And, of course, Ted.


Well, then, what's left?

As you can see here,

recurrence rates were
significantly diminished

with the higher doses.

I can't believe Kim's here.
I guess I have to go talk to her.

Why is that a bad thing?

We haven't really spoken
since the miscarriage.

Yeah, well, she looks good.
I think her boobs got bigger.


Let me see.

Yeah, you're right. Check it.

As we sat there air-groping my ex,

I wondered how things were going
back at the hospital.

Elliot was probably still giddy
about her engagement.

So, let me ask you this there, Barb.

Do ya really want to marry Keith
or do you just want to get married?

Okay, that's all I've got.
Thanks for barely listening.

Do you think she still thinks about me?


Are there any questions?

Why would you tell me
you miscarried our child

when you clearly didn't?

That's probably a question

I should answer more face-to-face
after the lecture.

Are there any other questions?

Yes, you sir.

Yeah, I think
you should answer his question.

How did he get over there so fast?

- You're a good friend.
- I got your back.

Anyone else have a question?
Yes, you in the back.

Bust a move!

Really more of a statement
than a question, but thank you.

I've always wanted to be married
so badly.

I mean, what if I am settling with Keith?

Elliot, what you're going through
is normal.

When I got engaged,
all I could think of was,

"Why am I with this angry,
cynical idiot?"

But then I fought through it
and realised he was the love of my life.

Unfortunately, we had a little argument
and so we broke up,

but then I met Perry a month later,
we have two beautiful children,

and the point is,
sometimes settling works.


And that is how I got my name.

You don't look Asian.

Hey, why aren't you being
the Chief of Medicine?

I'm just taking a break, Ted.
I don't want it to get stale.

The hospital needs you. I need you.
Doesn't that mean anything?

Damn right it does.
Now, let's go find a cure for polio.


Okay, too soon for laughter.

I know that you must be really upset.

Upset is just one of the emotions
I'm feeling, Kim.

- How could you do this to me?
- I don't know.

My hormones went crazy
and I was scared,

and I thought that
we were only together

because I was pregnant and so I lied,

and I pushed you out the door,

and then I got really angry
that you left me.

- Were you ever planning on telling me?
- Yes, of course, yes.

I just hadn't figured out how yet.
I mean, what could I possibly say?

I don't know, how about,
"J.D., I think there might be

"something living in my uterus. "

I know I made a huge mistake,
and I'm so, so sorry.

I just...
I had backed myself into this corner

I didn't know how to get out of and...

You know what?

No more excuses.

I did a horrible thing.

I don't expect you to forgive me.

Well, good, because I'm not going to.

You probably hate me right now
because I hate myself.

But it's been really good seeing you

And I thought I could do this
on my own,

but I can't.

I'm alone and I'm terrified,
and I have no right to ask you for this,

but I could really use some help.

Crap salad,
I gotta go give another lecture.

I just need 40 minutes and...

Please stay.

Promise me that you'll just stay
and we can talk about this.

Fine, but I'm not doing it for you.

Fair enough.

There's no need to freak out, Elliot.

All women go through the same stages
once they're engaged.

First, there's the
"Yay, I'm engaged" stage.

- Remember yesterday?
- I know.

It was so great.

Then comes the
"Oh, my God, I can't believe

"I'm gonna have sex with the same
person for the rest of my life" stage.

And that's when you head
to the nearest frat house,

ditch your undies,

and then the next morning
do the walk of shame to your Beamer.


Elliot, you'll get through this.

You just have to try not to act
like a crazy person.

See, at times like this,
we tend to torture our men

to test them.

Oh, yeah, I can't see myself doing that.

What's this, Keith? Huh?

Our sample invite with the lettering
you picked out.

No. This is not what I picked out.
I picked out Flourished Italic.

Now, you go back to the printer and
you tell them it should look like this.

I went to calligraphy camp.
Now, don't you screw this up, Keith.

Because if this goes wrong,
then the wedding goes wrong,

and then I'll get depressed and fat,

and you cheat on me
and I swear to God,

I will chop it off!

What just happened?

I suppose this would dissolve
surgical glue,

but may I ask how that happened
in the first place?

Oh, you know, boys being boys.

A SPECT camera, huh?

My hospital, Sacred Heart,
needs one of those.

It's funny you should say that.

I was just on the phone with your
Chief of Medicine 10 minutes ago.

Fax this to someone.

Chief o' Medicine.

I'm the Chief of Medicine, Bob Kelso.
Who the hell is this?

I'm you.
I'm talking to you from a future phone.

By the way,
sell all your gasoline stocks.

Everything now runs on potatoes.

I don't know who the hell this is,
but when I find out,

I am going to put my Loafer
so far up your ass

you're gonna have tassels
hanging out your nose.

Now tell me who you are.

What's your name again?

Teddy Buckland.


He's never going to believe I did this.

Hey, where'd you go?

Sorry, sir, we don't have Appletinis,
but I could make you a Peachtini.

That's a little phoofy for my taste.
A beer is fine.

With a pineapple wedge, please.

How you doing?

Not too bad,

considering I just had a bomb dropped
on me.

Oh, no. That was bigger than a bomb.

It was more like an asteroid
about to hit the planet.

You know, people running
in the streets screaming,

"Oh, my God, it's coming right at us!"

And then dudes turning to hot chicks
and being all like,

"Look, we 'bout to die so can I hit that?"
And then the girl's like, "Hell to the no!"

But then she realises,

"Oh, my God, I'm about to die.
So you know what?

"Yeah, you can hit this, but no kissing. "

That's exactly what it's like.

Oh, thank you. I'm just so mad.

I literally don't know what to say to her.
Don't you dare!

Part of me wants to talk to her,
part of me wants to...

- Bust a move?
- You have a problem, sir! Seek help.

- You know what you're gonna do?
- What?

You're gonna sit here and wait for Kim,

and then you're gonna talk to her
because you're a good person.

No matter what mistakes she's made,
she's still having your kid,

and you're not walking away from that.

Oh, say, Barbie, I'm gonna go ahead
and ask you one more time.

May I please, please use
your practise's SPECT camera?

Sure, whatever.

That's great,
'cause I actually already used it.

I don't care.

And don't worry about
coming to my wedding,

because there probably won't be one.

Look, I love it that after six years
I can still mess with your head.

It is both a testament
to my commitment

and a glaring statement
about your mental fragility.

But still,
as much as it pains me to say it,

there's nothing I did or said

that had any real impact
on your relationship

with the future Mr Barbie.

Yeah, but I got all crazy
and went off on him.

Of course you did, you're a woman.

Sure, you do come
with a little extra crazy,

but what the heck,
that's what makes you, you.

Listen to me.

Keith isn't going to care. He's not.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Lay off the stick
or I'll wait till you're asleep

and I will cheese grate your nerps.

Because sometimes I like to do
nice things without being coerced.


Hopefully that's the right lettering.

You're fine.

Now, if you'll go ahead and excuse me,

I'm gonna go grab a quick shower
to get this moment off of me.

Turk was giving me
the silent treatment

because I had taken
Old MC's advice over his.

I had busted a move and left.

Oh, no, I'm saving this for someone.
He should be here any minute.

And, yeah,
I still have doubts about my decision.

I love you, babe.

- See you tomorrow.
- Yeah.

I guess I'm just hoping
that the doubts will fade away.

Who am I kidding? Eventually,
we all have to face the music.

You wanted to see me, sir?

I know it was you,
and you are going to pay dearly.

First I want you to meet a new doctor.

Dr Toilet? He's beautiful.

I trimmed a little fat in the budget
so we could afford him.

Ted's vacation pay?

What vacation pay?

- Get out of here.
- Yeah.

For now,
I was just glad to get back home

where life wasn't so complicated.

J.D., do you think that I'm making
a mistake by marrying Keith?

J.D., how could you just leave me
waiting there?

Yup, life is so much simpler here.