Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 19 - My Cold Shower - full transcript

There we were,

Elliot's friend Melody and I,
witnessing this moment.

Yes! Oh, my God, yes!

Awesome, awesome! Okay.

This is so romantic.

Okay, it's a little tight.
Just push a little harder.

Got a little skin there. No problem.

Here come the "fricks. "

Just get the motherfricking ring
on my motherfricking finger!

Frick! Frick! Frick!

It needs to be resized.



Okay, Keith, sweetie,
you know how I'm crazy, right?

- Definitely.
- Oh, thank goodness.

Because, I am so sorry, but I'm just
going to have to take back my "Yes. "

You see, you have to understand,
I have dreamt about this moment

since I was a very little girl,

and the ring fit perfectly,

my eyes welled up, and I said,

"Yes! Oh, my God, yes!"
with exactly that inflection.

I'll fix it.

Just tell me
when you want me to ask you again.

You mean, you'd let me plan out
my own proposal?

Sure.

Yes! Sweet!

Okay, we've only got two days, people.
Melody, you're on decorations.



Jordan, you'll come up with my look.

If I can get you an appointment,

will you have your armpits Botoxed
so they don't sweat?

Because otherwise I'm very limited.

I'm open to it.
Carla, you're in charge of the guest list.

Just make sure
that all of my friends are there.

Oh, and Naomi,
that bitch from Radiology,

she's teased me for six years

about how she's going to
beat me down the aisle.

Well, she can suck it,

- her and her fat neck.
- Invite Fat Neck. Got it.

If you point out Fat Neck to me,

I'll keep asking her
why she's still single until she cries.

Done.

Check it.

Not a drop of sweat,
and it's like 100 degrees in here.

We haven't really been introduced.

Jordan. But first, smell it.

Hey, sport.

Sorry to hear about your placing
second in the Dr Reid-a-thon.

Sir?

You don't have to hide it, son.

Given your history, you must be taking
her engagement pretty hard.

Sadly, it's only in the movies where
the pretty girl ends up with the uggo.

Can you believe him?

Well, you and Elliot
did go through a lot.

You two have been on and off again

more than Ross and Rachel
from Friends.

Please, I am nothing like Ross.

No, of course not.

You're Rachel, she's Ross.

You guys are crazy.

Nobody else in this hospital
thinks I'm upset about Elliot.

Tough break, man.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost
than to never have loved at all" five.

I know about loss, brother.

It's like she took your heart and just...

Doug, aren't you supposed
to save those?

Don't tell anyone.

Okay, I'm going to head over here
to vomit.

Baby, will you do me a favour tonight
that requires no effort on your part?

Sure, what is it?

Will you have sex with me?

Come on!

We haven't had relations
since Izzy was born.

Turk, I'm just not there yet.

I mean, if you weren't emotionally
ready, would you want to have sex?

Baby, I don't even
understand the question.

Go away.

Oh, man!

Mrs Sheldon is the sweetest old lady,

but I can't figure out
what's wrong with her.

She's got the most random symptoms:

myalgia, alopecia, a rash.

That is so weird.

My patient, Mr Bilbray,
has the same exact symptoms.

Actually, he's my patient.

Jamie, you're a baby intern.

Yesterday, you asked me
how to turn on your stethoscope.

Now, go stand over there.

You know, I bet these patients
have something in common,

like some place they've been, or eaten.

Let's go check it out.

Could you imagine
being married to Elliot?

Darling, do you think
that we're pigeonholing the children?

Who cares? It's not like they're ours.

I'd have to find some tiny charts
and mops, but it's do-able.

I'll tell you what's do-able.

Very clever. God is watching.

How many times
have you gotten laid this year?

Bagel.

Who'd have thought
"God is watching" would work?

Keith and I are definitely having

some post-engagement nookie
tomorrow night after the proposal.

Did you get me
those purple lacy undies?

Yeah. Keith is going to look so hot.

Coolio. Okay, I've got to go meet Carla.

Well, it's official.

I am the only single sorority sister left.

I guess it's true what they say,

"First one to be in a threesome,
last one to get married. "

Damn!

I'm sorry. She just said that
she was in a threesome.

Damn!

Damn!

Damn!

Damn!

I just don't want to end up
like my aunt Sheila

and get married
and have a kid when I'm 50.

I mean, you find a tooth in that house,

you don't know
whose mouth it fell out of.

Sometimes I wonder, you know,

if I'm ever actually
going to find someone, you know?

Yeah.

Now, was it two girls and a guy,
or a devil's threesome?

All-girl.

Damn! Sorry.

I've got to take off.

Hey, I'm reviewing this new hotel
downtown tonight for work.

You want to join? It's all comped.

I think I'll pass.

Oh, well. Could have been fun.

Okay, guys. Guys! Guys!

I'm sure he has an explanation.
Go sit down.

I'm not going to get anywhere with her.
She's got this weird policy.

She'll mack with anyone,

but the second you try and take it
further, she throws the brakes on.

It always ends the same way.

Great Aunt Judy's arm fat.
Great Aunt Judy's arm fat.

I'm tired of the cold showers.

That was yesterday, when she was
this confident, young hotel reviewer.

Today she's a sad, vulnerable,
last single woman standing.

Now, are you going to create
a wonderful memory

and then secretly call me
from the bathroom right after, or not?

Turk, you know I'd like to be the one

making the secret bathroom call
for once,

but I'm not that desperate.

You ordered some Dorian?

- Huh?
- That's my last name.

That's a good one!

- I thought about it on the way up.
- Come on in.

Oh, it's on.

Mrs Sheldon, may I just say, I hope to
look as good as you when I'm 80.

I'm 68.

Did they not have sunscreen
where you grew up?

So, to wrap this up,

you two live in different nursing homes
and you have nothing in common.

Is there anything that you can tell us

that'll help us figure out
what's wrong with you?

Last week, I got a new pair of shoes.

That's very helpful, thank you.

We'll just go
run some more tests then.

Hey, so I convinced the bartender
to give us all the booze at your party

for half price.

- Yes!
- Little hitch.

You're going to have to
show some boob.

Apparently, mine did not get us
all the way there.

He has a soft touch, though.

Lovely.

Oh, and Per, you were wrong.
Someone is dumb enough to love me.

Where's your head right now?

Perry, no!

It goes cracker-apple-cheese,
not cracker-cheese-apple.

I know that we've only been
married two days, Perry,

but you should know this.

You're going to fry for this, buddy.

Worth it.

Okay, you made it to the room.

Time for the John Dorian
three-step seduction plan.

Step one, make her realise
you share things in common.

They have tampons
in their toiletry basket!

I love that.

Me, too.

Step one, check.

Step two, connect with her
on a personal level.

So, Melody, where's home for you?

Originally, Akron, Ohio,
but home is where your hat is.

That's something
my dad used to always say.

Of course, he would also say
that America is a planet.

He was in a boating accident
and suffered some brain damage.

Brain damage is rarely good.

Tore our family apart.

Step two, check.

Now just remind her she's all alone.

Elliot getting married. Crazy, right?

I can't believe no one's ever
gotten down on one knee for you.

I know. Cute as a button.

Yeah, you are.

Hey, I have to check out the linens.

Would you care to
test them out with me?

And there it is.

I could only imagine
what wonderful place

was waiting beneath those covers.

Greetings, strange traveller.

Whilst thou mate with me tonight?

All right.

Not really sure
how I'd go about doing that.

I mean, where would I put my...

Come on, dawg.
This is a desperate mermaid.

You've got to hit that!

Show me where, Goat Turk,
and I'd be happy to.

Where's the front door?

- Yeah, that's a gill.
- Yeah, it is.

Bring those horns down here.

Oh, they're coming, baby.
You can handle it?

- Oh, I can handle it.
- Oh, yeah, you can.

Hey, Goat Turk! That's my mermaid!

My bad.

Incoming.

I would characterize
this mattress as springy.

Springy.

The test results for Mr Bilbray
and Mrs Sheldon come in yet?

Still waiting.

What do you think of my manicure?

- I got it for the ring.
- Perfect.

What's on today's agenda, lovey?

Well, snookums, I'm first going
to check out the market,

then play a few holes of golf,

and then pretend to care about
underprivileged people.

You know, the usual.

Well, I'm off.

And keep an eye on Lupita.

I think some of the silver
has gone missing.

I'll talk to her.

- Bye, snookie.
- Okay, have a good day.

You've been a naughty girl, Lupita.

You looking fine as hell today, girl.

- Take me!
- It's going down.

I'm so hard up, I'm fantasizing
about having sex with my own wife!

It ain't right!

Oh, poor Turkleberry.

He thinks he's got it hard.

The damn Internet is down.

Where am I supposed to go for
sexual gratification? My invalid wife?

Great. Everything came back negative
on Mrs Sheldon and Mr Bilbray.

There must be something
that we're missing.

But with you two,
that would be impossible.

Might I take a look at the chart?

Well, it's not PMR or pan-hypo pit, and
we've already ruled out malignancy.

Well.

Oh, yeah. That's a toughie.

Really? You two think it's that easy?

Intern!

Test both of their patients for this,

and don't you dare tell
the Hardy Girls what it is, not yet.

Go.

- Room service is great.
- Yeah.

Can I have that tiny ketchup bottle?

I'm planning
this elaborate prank on Turk

where he wakes up
and thinks he's 20 feet tall.

Sure.

Thanks.

All right. Can you think of anything else
we should try?

I think we should try this.

Turk was right. He's such
a good friend. I should get him a gift.

I'll fish for what he wants later
on our secret bathroom call.

Wait, why am I thinking about Turk?
Okay, start moving your hand.

Next stop: Boob Town,
population, two.

Whoa, you can't go to Boob Town!

That, my friend, is a gated community.

You're fully dressed under there.

Me, too.

I'm gonna go check out the bar.
Are you going to come?

Sure, I'll be right down.

When you're in a dry spell,
sometimes you have to get wet.

Great Aunt Judy!

It doesn't matter if you're married.

If you're all talk, but no action.

Or you have a bad Internet connection.

All you can do is take solace
in the fact that no one's getting any.

The test results are back and our
friends, Mr Bilbray and Mrs Sheldon,

both will be having a round of penicillin
for their what?

That's right. Their STDs.

Yes, have a look-see,
won't you please?

It turns out that our hard-candy toting,
super-cheery grandparents both have...

- Syphilis.
- Syphilis.

Bang.

Okay, maybe some people
were getting some,

but we weren't.

Sorry, guys.

Thought I fixed that.

- I can't believe they have syphilis.
- Yes, Barbie.

Look, when people get old,

there are certain things
they're no longer able to do,

like drive a car over 20 miles an hour
or smell like the living.

But the one thing
they damn sure can do

is have sex until they croak.

The fact of the matter is, thanks to a
variety of male-enhancement drugs,

sexually transmitted diseases have
increased amongst the elderly

by 300%.

Old-people sex is disgusting.

Really?

Because from time to time I like
to throw back a few blue bombers

and head out on the town.

- Okay, we're leaving now.
- You will go nowhere.

No one will.

I will have you all know
that just this morning

I hoisted Enid onto the safety rail
in our kitchen

and we went at it like drunk monkeys.

That's right.

Now, just soak in that image
for a while.

Everybody in the room okay with
pretending that never happened?

- Me.
- I am.

Great.

I'll go tell them that they have an STD.

I hate you.

I know.

Different wife, same story.

Hey, fellas.

I hear there's a steel magnolia
in room 309 that needs a little pruning.

Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.

Hey, the Todd accepts all applicants,
regardless of age or disability.

Well, I'm giving up on Melody.

Dude, no. Man, me? I'm married,

so I may never, ever,
ever have sex again.

You? There's still a chance for you.

Damn it, if you're not going to do it
for yourself, at least do it for me.

And me.

For all of us.

What?
You guys are surprised I don't get any?

All right, men. I'm going in.

Turk was right.
I could make this happen.

Because whether Melody wants
to admit it or not,

there was a definite connection
between us.

So, thanks for hanging with me
last night.

That's not me, Melody.

My bad. You two could be twins.

We look nothing alike.
What are you, Egyptian?

I don't want to hear it.

God, what a day.

I cannot believe we didn't figure out
our patients had an STD.

You know what we should do
to blow off some steam?

Go shoe shopping.

Yeah, but you know what?

First, we should have tender,
emotional sex,

and then cuddle,
and then go shoe shopping.

I'm so glad that we're married.

Oh, sweetie.

Life would be so much simpler.

Great. You're both here.
We need to talk.

We were just trading stories
about our grandkids.

They grow up so darn fast.

They do. They sure do.

Did you want to
tell us something, sweetheart?

I couldn't do it. So, you're going to
need to tell them to slip on a love glove

if they're going to get
all freaky and doink.

But don't use those words,

they won't know
what you're talking about.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a proposal to get ready for.

It took everything I had in my arsenal
to get Melody to mack with me again.

Hey, do you want
to mack with me again?

Sure.

This time will be different. The key is
not going straight for her chest,

but to start in a more innocent area,
like her hips.

And he sticks the landing.

You see, ultimately,
it's all about persistence.

Stay the course and...

You know the rules,
and yet, you continue to break them.

I think I'm going to have to give you
a lifetime macking ban.

- No!
- Yes.

- Give me another chance.
- Can you control yourself?

Of course I can.

God is watching.

I can't.

Who is this God everyone fears?

Take these for me. Thank you.

Hey, J.D., I was wondering
if I could borrow your scooter

so I could run a few errands.

He looks nothing like me!

He doesn't even have
any laughter in his eyes, like, at all!

Mrs Sheldon, Mr Bilbray...

Relax, I already told them both.

And Mrs Sheldon and Mr Bilbray
have been doing a little talking.

Turns out after bridge
every Sunday night,

Mrs Sheldon has been schtupping.
Did I say that right?

Yes, you did, sweetheart.

Okay. Schtupping Howard Steinberg,
who is apparently a lot more

than just tango partners
with Estelle Stevens, who,

apart from having a fake hip,

is a well-known hussy
in Mr Bilbray's nursing home.

And Mr Bilbray likes to have her
get on all fours and sing

Who Let The Dogs Out?

- I'm getting uncomfortable.
- You can go.

I have to say,
I'm very impressed with your vitality.

Honey, let me tell you
a secret about sex.

It gives you vitality.

- Right, Bruce?
- What?

Honestly,

I can't imagine how empty
life would be without it,

can you?

Okay, everyone.
Keith's spontaneous proposal to Elliot

will be happening
in exactly one minute.

Elliot has requested
no cell phone photography.

- Those pictures give her pan-face.
- It's absolutely horrendous.

- It's horrible.
- True.

Okay, when she gets here,

let's be quiet and give her
our full and complete attention.

I'll tell you what's already
at full attention.

Per-Per, can I have a beer, please?

Can do, dear.

Let me help you down. Good work.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

You don't really seem like
the notch-on-your-bedpost type of guy.

Why are you trying so hard to do me?

You know what?
I don't even really know.

Actually, I did.
I just didn't want to admit it.

Oh, my God!

What is all this?

You know what?

I'm really happy that you're my wife.

Me, too.

Elliot Reid.

No last name, I changed my mind.

Elliot, will you marry me?

Yes.

Oh, my God, yes!

Awesome!

As I looked at
all the relationships around me,

some that had gone on forever,

some that were re-igniting,

and some that had just begun.

I realised something.

It should have been me.