Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 18 - My Turf War - full transcript

J.D. feels a little left out when Eliot's wild sorority sister, Melody comes to town. Not able to deal with being the third wheel he turns the girls against each other in the hopes that he will once again be Eliot's priority friend and, if he is lucky, that he might get to "mack" it with Melody.

This saliva-heavy display
was because

Keith was going out of town
for a few days.

Come on, Elliot.
Let me just borrow it for the weekend.

I promise I'll bring it back.

No, I need it. Now, go.

Whenever he goes away,
he always wants to take my tushie.

Why doesn't he just do what I did
when we were dating?

Wait until you fall asleep naked
and take a picture of it.

- Did you actually do that?
- No!

It's my screensaver.

Whenever we're apart,
I always get so bummed.

Well, then let's get you
cheered up, huh?

Look what I just bought
in the back of Boys' Life,

Spider-Man goggles.

Still gloomy? Let's put on the wipers.


Dr Beardface!

Let's see if he wants to play Macaroni.

How do you play?

One-nothing, your turn.

Playing Macaroni was much more fun
than dealing with a hypochondriac.

I have chest tinglies.

Lloyd, you're 40 years old
and you're a delivery man,

so you should be suffering
from a pretty severe case

of the where-did-I-go-wrongsies,
but other than that, you're fine.

I ran every test.

There's nothing wrong with you.

But the pain starts here

and then it goes along,
and then skips this area,

and then starts hurting again here, and
then, of course, there's the tinglies.

I'm gonna head out now, Lloyd.

- Doctor.
- Doctor.

I call next on Macaroni.

He plays?

Dr Kelso,
would you mind using your gum

to show Elliot your mad 'oni skills?

Man, he's good.

You know, you really
cheered me up today.

God, I feel like
we haven't really hung out all year.

- I really miss it.
- I know.

Well, your boyfriend's out of town.
Let's hang out tonight.

Oh, I'd love to, but I've got dinner with
the partners and I've got to work late.

Oh, that's too bad.

Since I was checking out
that kid's awesome plastic cow,

I saw Elliot's friend first.


Melody? Oh, my God!

And just like that, they regressed

to the two 19-year-old
sorority sisters they had once been.

Dude, we should get out of here
before they look our way.


There's only one way to stop them!

Show them the picture of Izzy!

Go! Go!

Must show picture!


- Oh, my God, it's so good to see you.
- Yeah, it's been a while.

- Good work.
- Hey.

Hey, no, I lost mine.

Thank you, Jerry.

Hey, what's the deal
with Elliot's friend?

Break her down for me, C-Bear.

Okay, check it out. She and Elliot
went to college together, right?

Welcome to Turk's Booty Breakdown.

J.D., I gotta tell you,
I'm a huge fan of this chick.

She seems smart, fun,
and she's got a little bit of a wild streak.

Smack it and I'll do
a fake sexy "ooh" for you.


Count it!

Melody works as a
hotel reviewer for Zagat,

has green eyes, perfect feet,
if you're into that.

And here's the best part. Tell them!

I'm single.


Bus Driver Dance us home.

Driving, driving, passenger on.

- Driving, driving, passenger on.
- Yeah!

Why don't people dance
the Bus Driver any more?

Because it's not a real dance.

For us honkeys,
it's a very important dance.

Driving, driving, inside the bus.

Anyway, I know it's hard to believe,

but when I first got to college,
I was a little bit of a...

- Dork?
- Geek?

Good-time Sally
who gave it away for free?

I was the tramp, you old bitch.

Liking her.

You were so much fun.

You know how Mel
got around campus?

She'd just jump
on some random dude's back

and then make him take her
wherever she wanted to go.

Oh, remember that time
I made you do that with Grill Face?


Come on, do it! Just pick a guy.

- Go on!
- Okay.

Let's go!

I mean, before that happened,

Grill Face's name was just Steve.


Why does this bed sheet
have two holes in it?

That's on me.
Sometimes at night I haunt paediatrics.

Yo, Mickhead, incoming.

That is a double-bypass heart patient
with a ruptured spleen on the side.

Hot damn.

How come you don't ever give me
any of the good surgeries?

I could do a bypass like... Done!

Now, Gumball, that's hardly the point.

The older surgical attendings
around here are warriors.

Hell, if I screw with Mickhead,

he'll send me
every bowel obstruction he gets.

You, on the other hand,

you're just not formidable enough
to have ever earned my respect.

I don't even know
why I'm speaking with you.

In fact, I'm going to stop talking
right in the middle of whatever I'm...

Come on, Dr Cox, hook me up.

You want a patient?


Hey, weren't we
in an air band together?


I think so.

Let's hit the town later.
I wanna roll with Nancy again.


That's the name
I gave her crazy wild side.

I thought that was Jenji.

No, Jenji's your super-sensitive,
neurotic side.

You don't still think I'm neurotic,
do you?

Because that would make me
so bummed. I mean,

I thought that I'd done
so much work with all...

Easy, Jenji.

Breathe, breathe.


I thought you were too busy
to go out tonight.

Please, it's Mel. I dropped everything.

She didn't do that for you.

God, it's so weird. She hasn't changed
at all since college.

I love her for that.

Hey, you can tag along if you want.

"Tag along"?

Let her know you're upset,
but be subtle.

I'd love to.

Okay, there's nothing wrong
with you, Lloyd.

Your enzymes are negative,
you have a normal echo.

Does heart trouble
even run in your family?

Well, my uncle was shot in the heart.

Okay, that helps.

- Really?
- No.

- Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
- Hey, it's okay.

But now the Ghost That Hates Spills
is going to come.


You're right, Devin.
He might come this very night.

And, as you know,
that ghost's entire family was killed

by a careless spill, just like yours.

Just like yours.

Okay, this ends now.

Do you know how messy kids can be,

and how clean this place
has been ever since

the ghost?

And besides,
I'm only picking on the tonsil cases,

the spoiled ones,
getting ice cream for every meal.

Do you know what I had to eat
when I had my tonsils out?

- What?
- Hot coffee and granola bars.

Hot and scratchy, hot and scratchy!

- Are you insane?
- I'm a little bit tired.

I was up all night
learning to rollerblade.

I want the ghost to be
a little bit more glide-y.

Thanks, bro.

Nice drink. Does it come in hetero?

It does, but I didn't like it.

Elliot's running 20 minutes late.

You want to play darts
or maybe sing show tunes?

Don't say show tunes, it's a trap.

I mean, I guess we could make out.

Wait, what now?

Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy,
but what the hell, so am I.

The one thing I have tweaked
now that I'm an adult is,

I mean, I'll mack anyone,
but that's where I draw the line.

At macking?

Yeah. And if you get too into it, I'll stop.

- You want to think about it?
- What?

Well, this is fun.

- Hands at your side.
- Sorry.

What the hell?

He was turfed back to you from surgery
with endocarditis.

Dr Turk said I was a present for you.

Is he doing the Bus Driver?

Yeah, dude.

Don't get comfortable.

"Aortic dissection"?

"Pulmonary embolism"?


"Splenic impart"?

Hell, no!

It's okay, I'll walk myself back.

Heads up!

Exciting news there, Milk Dud.

I've convinced young Lloyd in there

that the arm pain that he thought
was a heart attack

is actually just what, Lloyd?

Arm pain, Perry.

A 100% surgical issue.

It's O-V-E-R. I win.

And, for your dignity's sake,

please stop trying to play
with the big boys.

As I kissed Melody, knowing we were
headed somewhere amazing...

You moaned, we're done.

No, no, no.
We're just macking, right back in.

Where are your hands?

In your pants.

- Let's just put these there.
- All right.

You know what's so amazing? It's like,

I haven't seen Elliot in so long
and now she's this big-time doctor.

I just wonder what she thinks,
you know, seeing me.

I was still mad at Elliot, so I said this.

She actually said she thought
it was a little weird

that you haven't changed since college.

I left out that Elliot loved that.

Hey, guys!

We've all made
a few rash moves in our time.

Now it's really over.

Oh, yeah? What did you do, kill him?

- What's up, dude?
- What's up?

You said it was arm pain,
so I operated on his arm.

But there was nothing wrong with him.
Are you crazy?

Look, the man wanted something done,
I did it.

End of story.

Good day.

Ultimately, you have to hope

your rash move doesn't cause
too many problems.

Okay, Jenji's wondering
whether or not her hair is working,

but Nancy is ready to roll.
What's the plan?

I'm sorry, I have to get going.

Is she pissed at me?

Why would she be pissed?

- Hey, Elliot, are you and Melody okay?
- No.

She wouldn't even tell me
why she's so pissed.

God, it's so weird
how we always regress

when we're with people from our past,
you know?

I mean, she's being
just as passive-aggressive

as she was when we were 19.

I'm actually wishing she had
a boyfriend I could go mack with

to get back at her.

Okay, this has gone far enough.

You can't just mess up
Elliot and Melody's friendship.

You have to come clean.
Tell her you started their fight.

I guess it doesn't really matter, anyway.

I mean, she's already left town.

Or you can say nothing.

Well, since Keith is still gone,

maybe we could use
that rain check tonight and hang out.


Thanks, I'd like that.



That can't be good.

Look, in this world,
when you're trying to settle a score,

there's things you can do
and things you cannot do.

Under no circumstances can you ever
perform unnecessary surgery

just to unload an annoying patient.

Did I get drunk last night
and send you an email

asking for your opinion
about what I did?

I don't know. I didn't check.

Dr Turkleberry,
can you please explain to me

why you performed surgery
on that patient?

Better yet, you can tell it
to the ethics committee later on today.

Maybe they'll just slap you
with a suspension,

instead of taking away your licence.

That night, Elliot and I went out,
just the two of us.

Okay, how many beers?

I'd say about eight
before she would do you.

Yeah, it was just like old times.

Hello, Elliot.

Hit that thing.
It stops like that all the time.

Hey, I'm the Fonz.

- Did he see that?
- No.

Good. Elliot, we're adults now.

I don't want to behave the way
we used to, and I'm not leaving mad.

I don't even know why you're mad.

You told J.D. that it was weird
I haven't changed since college.

Yeah, I said that I love that about you.

Did I not mention that?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm reading Mr Gertner's chart,

but if you'd like me to be more specific,

I'm also standing, breathing,
thinking and now talking,

which is actually preventing me
from what I was originally trying to do.

Turk's career is in danger and you're
going to toss that attitude my way?

I never asked him
to operate on that guy.

No, you tortured him
into playing a game

he shouldn't have been playing.

Never mind that you and I are
supposed to be friends,

and that I just had a baby
that I was hoping

my husband would help support.

What horrible thing did Turk do to
piss you off in the first place?

He asked me to occasionally

toss him a good surgery.

Well, if he didn't apologise for that,
let me do it for him.

He's so sorry.

Don't worry about it.

You know what? I should probably go.
It's late.

Forgot to pay my cheque.

- Here's a credit card for you.
- Thanks.

It's quiet in here.
I think the music went off again.

Someone want
to tap that jukebox for me?

No? Okay.

Wow, you guys can stare
an awfully long time

without letting your eyes blink.
That's amazing. That's...

I try and do that and I

can never really

do it,

when I've tried.

- Sorry, the, machine's busted.
- Unfortunate. Okay...

Thank you, Frank. I will pay cash.

Ben Franklin, here,
should take care of things.

A $ 100 bill.

I don't got change for that.

He doesn't "got change,"
that's how he says that. Okay.

Surely one of my lady friends could...

No. All right, you know what?

I'm going to pay $ 100
for that Appletini.

I like you, you're a good barman.

You never tease me
when I order the 'tinis.

Drink them myself.

Good night.

I can't spend $ 100 on an Appletini,
it's absurd!

That's like 10 'tinis, with a tip!

No, there must be something else
that I can buy.

How much is
that weird mounted fox tail?

Actually, that's a beard.

You'll probably keep that then.
Probably a family heirloom.

You know what, Frank?
I'm going to do it.

$ 100 for one Appletini

that was, frankly, light on the 'tini.

All right. Good night.

- Found a fiver in my pocket.
- No.

Okay. Keep that, too.

Well, of course I'd like
to get to know you better.

What is it, Perry?


what I'm about to say is so painful,

that I plan on erasing it
from my memory tonight

by drinking a fifth of Jack
and challenging...

One moment, Perry. I want to see this.

Go ahead.

I know that Gandhi messed up, I do.

But I need you to let him off the hook.

And why is that?

Because I pushed him into it, okay?

Or because he's a good person,

or better yet,
because he's a good surgeon.

Then I'll think about it. Bye-bye.

Sometimes, standing up for someone
still isn't enough

to make the guilt go away.

That is cool.

No scar!

You never operated on him?

But he said
he watched his own surgery.

He thinks he did.

I put up a divider,
sprayed on some local anesthetic

and then put
Mrs Nawabi's heart surgery on the TV.

What's that thing?

That's your shoulder sack.


You tricked me?

I couldn't have done it
without my supporting players.

Ladies and gentlemen, my muse,
my shining light,

Miss Carla Turk.

Stop being mean to my husband.

And, of course, playing
the cantankerous Chief of Medicine,

you know him, you love to hate him,

Dr Bob Kelso!


That was fun.

Don't mess with me ever again.

- I'm so proud of you, baby.
- You know I do what I do...

J.D., what the hell
were you doing in there?

I don't know.

I guess I was just pissed off

because you cancelled your plans
for Melody but not for me.

She was only in town
for a couple of days.

I get it, I'm an idiot. It's just that, Elliot,

when was the last time
we made any time for each other?

We used to be so close

and it just doesn't feel like
we are any more.

Look, you know what it's like
when you're in a relationship.

Not to mention work.
Plus, Turk's your best friend

and Carla's my best friend.

I want to be Turk's best friend
and your best friend.

I just don't want to lose you.

Then we'll both try harder.

Take me over to them.

Come on, now, mush!

I guess all relationships
have to evolve.

Gandhi, incoming!

Mr Randolph's Nissen fundoplication
is all yours.

There's nothing you can do to stop it,
even if you wanted to.


Elliot, I didn't go home
to see my family.

I went to see your father
to ask his permission to do this.

Elliot, will you marry me?

No way!

Yeah, such is life.