Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 17 - Their Story - full transcript

Lately, people around here
were happier than usual.

Elliot, because she had finally said
those three magic words.

I love you.

Todd, because he had finally
found his true calling as a doctor.

So, what's up with plastic surgery?

Dude, it's amazing.

Just when you think you can't see
another great pair of boobs,

you see an awesome dong.

And Dr Kelso was giddy because
it was the first Monday of the month.

And today,
nothing could dampen his spirits,

not even a grieving family.



I am so sorry for your loss.

He was a fighter right till the end.

We did everything we could.

See, today was the day
the hypodermic needles arrived.

- Happy Needle Day, Lloyd.
- And to you, sir.

And thanks for sending down
an extra set of hands.

I'm a lawyer.

I still don't understand why you get
so excited over needles.

Thanks to a delightful decimal error

made 20 years ago by the
good folks at Zeffer Pharmaceuticals,

each month, Sacred Heart
gets $50,000 worth

of hypodermic needles
for the low, low price of $50.

That's it.

I can't feel my arms.



Now, Lloyd, given your past history
as a dirt bag junkie,

I have to ask.

Did you take
any of Uncle Bob's needles?

No, sir. I don't use needles any more.

- Oh, so you finally got clean?
- No. Sign here.

This is a straw, Lloyd.

Doctor Reid! I have a package for you.

It's addressed to your home,
but since you're here...

Lloyd, I wanted that delivered
to my house because it's private

and it'll be embarrassing for me
to open it here at the hospital.

- We can't.
- We have to.

Wait.

You're talking about
opening someone else's mail.

I think we should stop for a moment

and consider
the ethical implications here.

All done.

Keith, I'm home.

Hey, Dr Reid.

We accidentally opened your package
and felt so guilty,

we came by to install your

"Slide and Glide Stripper Pole. "

How did you get in here?

Hot cookies, anyone?

Keith!

Do you know how hard it is
to install those things?

Just be grateful.

You guys are gonna love this!

Oh, yeah!

- Why did he take off his shirt?
- I don't know, Keith.

I have a small, non-fat latte
for Dr Dorian.

What the hell, Long-Face?
We were here first.

Yeah, but Dr D's the king.

I didn't ask to be special,
it just kind of happened.

Still, after six years of being
the star around here,

I couldn't help but wonder
what it would be like

if the spotlight were on some of
my supporting players for a change.

Jumbo coffee for Todd.

Everything's jumbo on the Todd.

It doesn't matter that he's a dude.

People should know
you're well-endowed.

- Cappuccino for Jordan.
- Give me that.

Now, let's see who I can sit with

that will drive me the least insane.

Definitely not.

Oh, what a sweet moment.

I should ruin it.

Stop that!

We're on me now.

Extra hot tea for Ted.

He didn't give you
a cardboard sleeve.

Still, don't rock the boat.
You don't want people staring.

Besides, how hot can it be?

Holy mother of God!

Huge mistake, huge mistake!

Just keep moving. No one saw that.

Kelso.

What's going on?

Hey, maybe it's the surprise party

you've been waiting for
your whole life.

Just play it cool, Teddy-boy.

The party man is here!

It's not a surprise party, Ted.

It'll never be.

Nurse Espinosa
and her chiquita nursitas are here

because they want more dinero.

Dr Kelso and his racism.

We're not asking for much,
just the basic cost-of-living raise.

No chance, pink pants.

Sir, the last thing we need is a strike.

They'll never do it, Ted.

A strike would hurt the patients.

See, that's their biggest weakness.

They care about the patients.

This isn't over, Dr Kelso.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scram.

Sir, they aren't asking for much,

and the little things can
make a big difference.

I know I'd be a lot happier
with some extra cash,

or friend,

or hair.

How would your life be any different
if you had hair?

Don't worry, baby. You'll get your turn.

Which conditioner
are you going to buy?

Too many choices!

Mom?

Mom?

No!

Why do I have hair?

Why do I have hair?

Why?

I wonder if they'd still do me
after I buried Mom.

- Rounds sucked today.
- I know.

Dr Wen didn't set me up once.

He never said "bone,"
"organ" or "suction. "

I mean, I did what I could
with "carpal tunnel,"

but I don't think people got that I was
using that as a metaphor for vagina.

No, Todd, I'm talking about

when that intern asked me about
cardiovascular instabilities.

- Dude, I've got to tell you, man...
- Turk's bummed.

He definitely needs a high-five,
but which one?

Chin-up five, tough-to-be-black five,

need-a-hug five, need-a-tug five?

Wait, what's he talking about?

Okay, just take the last word he says
and add a five to it.

I don't know,
it just all seems a little unfair.

Unfair five.

Thanks, man. You always know
the right things to say.

I work hard on those.

- Excuse me, Dr Quinlan?
- Who?

- That's you, Todd.
- Oh, yeah.

I just want to thank you for helping
with my daughter's condition.

It's hard enough being 16
and she shouldn't have to be teased

by her classmates just because
she looks so different.

I am glad to help, ma'am.

You are making a difference
in her daughter's life.

What are you fixing,
some type of major facial deformity?

- No, I'm giving her giant cans.
- Okay.

Have you ever heard the phrase,
"Excuse me"?

Here, take the fake sugars, 'cause
I hope you get cancer, I really do.

Well, my parents were mean to me.

- Oh...
- They were mean, apparently.

Keith and I are always so busy,
that he suggested

that we meet here for ten minutes
before our shift starts

for coffee, for some together-time.
Isn't that sweet?

That may have been
the most bored I've ever been

whilst someone was talking to me.

She's ruining coffee-time.

Just pretend she's not here.

- So, anyways, babe...
- I hate everybody.

Oh, look at those two.

Must be the Beard of The Month Club.

"My beard is nice and white. "
"Well, my beard is more bushy. "

"Let's be friends!"

Morons.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Whoa, what the hell was that?

I finally told Keith I loved him.

Now that you've said
what he wants to hear,

he doesn't have to work for it.

It's like when guys are really trying
to sleep with you.

When you finally give it up,
there are no more flowers.

Next thing you know, it's 20 years later

and you're standing over him
while he sleeps,

your third martini in one hand
and a steak knife in the other.

And sure, he's taken a sleeping pill,

so you can slice his arm open
a little bit without waking him up,

but it's not satisfying,
and you know why?

Because you've lost the power.

Hey, Per-Per,

did you ever figure out
what happened to your arm?

No.

Yes, phew.

Carla, can you pull a file for me?

Sorry, I need another five hours
to put this box of needles away.

- I don't get it.
- It's a slowdown, Ted.

The nurses think they're being clever,
still treating patients,

but with everything else
moving more slowly.

And why are you standing here
doing nothing?

I know this is a slowdown,

but I can't really work
any slower than I normally do,

so I pretty much have to
come to a complete stop.

Now, if you're asking why I'm standing
here specifically,

it's because I replaced that light bulb
with a tanning bulb.

I'm tired of being the only white guy
at my mosque.

You know what?
If the nurses keep going on like this,

I'm going to give them their raise,

but I'm going to pay for it
by firing three of them,

the ugly ones. How does that sound?

Whatever you think is right, sir.

You're an ass.

Ted, you idiot. You just said
the out-loud thing in your head

and the in-your-head thing out loud!

Don't make eye contact,
just keep moving!

I'm sorry, but that mother should not
be giving that little girl

breast implants for her
sweet-sixteen present.

So she's 16.
What's the big deal, T-Dog?

Well, I have a daughter.
Imagine being a parent.

Dad, can I talk to you?

What's up?

I don't want to wear
a banana hammock any more.

Rod! Why?

Because I stuff.

Want to know a secret?

I stuff, too.

There you go.

I don't stuff.

Maybe you should.

You know what?
I will just have a little conversation

with your department head.

All I'm saying is, it's not right.
The girl's only 16.

Yeah. No, I felt the same way
until her mother's cheque cleared.

Look, you're not even
in my department,

so maybe I'm missing something here?

Do you see any of your beeswax here?
Because I sure as hell don't.

Todd, do you see Dr Turk's beeswax?

What the hell is he talking about?

Todd, come.

Look, I know your buddy thinks
he's the bee's knees...

What is with this dude and bees?

...but if he keeps poking his nose
in my business,

I will torch him with
every department head in this place.

See how that helps his career.

Internal "uh-oh" five.

What took you so long? I need a drink!

I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
I was just with this super-rude patient

whose heart kept stopping.
He's dead now,

but, darn it all, he should've known
that my ex-wife was down here

jonesing for a Cosmo.

He is so getting cut again tonight.

I gotta go get my jacket.

All right, Trish,
I'm off to the movies with my boyfriend

who doesn't treat me any differently,

even though I already said I loved him.

My name's not Trish.

That's okay, it was for her benefit.

Hey, sweetie.

The guys are going to play poker.

- Is it okay if we skip the movie?
- Sure.

Oh, thanks, babe.

Don't say anything.
Let the dark side draw her in.

Come on, come to Mama.

- Jordan, teach me.
- Okay, it's simple.

If he thinks it's okay to mess with you,
you just mess with him.

Done!

It's so fun to screw
with someone's relationship,

and such good practise
for when my daughter grows up.

- Still, when someone...
... is heading down a bad path,

I'd always try to stop them.

Carla, I think you should
reconsider the slowdown.

Can't talk, Ted.

Julie and I have to carry
this chart to this patient's room.

Of course, there's nothing I can do...

...if they're as stubborn as Turk is.

This isn't over, man.
That girl should not be having surgery.

Dude, you shouldn't
screw with Dr Green.

I'm not afraid of Dr Green.

Great, that just makes me want to...

...laugh and laugh and laugh.

I mean, look at him there by himself.
Rub it in for funsies.

Hey, Keith, where's Blondie?

I thought it was
your little coffee-date time.

If she was mad about something,
why wouldn't she just tell me?

You know, I guess I thought
once she finally said "I love you,"

all this insecure game-playing
would stop, you know?

Bye, Jordan.

That did not give me the delicious,
satisfied feeling I was going for.

Oh, look, it's Keith.

Yeah, well, if he wants to talk to me,
he can find me, right?

Right.

Perry, I think there's
something wrong with me.

Now, that is the understatement
of this still-very-young century.

I may have screwed up
Blonde Stick's relationship,

and now I have this really weird feeling.

It's called guilt, you Vulcan.

And why the hell are you giving out
relationship advice, anyway?

What are you, Oprah?

Hi, everyone!

We're back.
We're talking with Barbara,

a cancer survivor, who went on
to form her own head scarf company.

Tell us about that.

When my hair fell out from the chemo...

Not only is that a huge downer,
but scarves are tacky.

Instead, how about I dance
with a little girl who looks just like me?

Right? Look at us, we're like twins.

Can you believe it?

I would watch that show.

Anyway, go fix this for me.

Barbie can handle this on her own.
She is an adult.

See, Keith, I've been practising,
and you're missing it.

You wanna make 12, 13 bucks?

Just send it to Keith, Lloyd.

Oh, come on!

J. D., Turk shouldn't
mess with Dr Green.

Now, even though
you're only his second-best friend,

for some reason he listens to you.

If Turk's mind is set on something,
it can't be changed.

I can't even imagine how I'd try.

Oh, great, there he goes,
off into his fantasy world.

Now I'm stuck here waiting
till he snaps out of it

with some weird comment.

We'd have to find
a whole lot of gnomes.

That's helpful.

- Excuse me.
- Hang on, one sec.

Got to make one of these.

Oh, damn it!

- What are you aiming at?
- Nothing. What's on your mind?

Carla needs to end this slowdown,
but she won't listen to me.

People rarely do. Will you talk to her?

Yes!

No. Can't do it, Ted.

If you piss her off,
she's going to turn on you,

and I can't have her digging up
the skeletons in my closet.

Although, technically, they won't be
skeletons for six to eight weeks.

Right now, they're just dead badgers.

Okay, time to set things straight with
that neurotic, bug-eyed, straw-haired...

My parents were mean to me.

You don't need to say that.
I don't know what you were thinking,

although I'm sure it was lovely.

I need someone Turk will listen to,

someone persuasive,
forceful, sensitive.

If only my dong could talk.

Hey, I bet he'd listen to you.

I've got to find a way
to stop this slowdown

before someone loses their job.

The stress is killing me.

You're sweating because
you're under the tanning bulb, genius.

If only the nurses had leverage,
I could help them.

Ted, I found this extra box of needles
in my truck.

Needles.

There's leverage.

Man, you keep this place toasty.

So, you wanted to talk to me?

I'm about to speak to you
from the heart,

and since that's very difficult for me,

I need you to sit there silently
while I mentally prepare myself.

Jordan, I have patients...

Sorry.

I'm telling you right now,

me and your department head
are about to have it out.

This surgery ain't happening.
Not on my watch!

- I always wanted to say that.
- Okay.

Before you do anything,
just listen to what she has to say.

I want the implants.

Look, I'm constantly mistaken
for a fifth-grader, and I'm tired of it.

This is my choice,

and it's taken me a long time
to convince my mom,

but she's finally supporting me.

I shouldn't have to convince you, too.

What are you buzzing around here for?

Dr Quinlan and I had to
discuss something

that has absolutely nothing
to do with anything

that's happening up in here.

So, you were right, and okay.

Yeah. He's a busy little bee.

Dude, I've got to ask.
What's with you and bees?

What are you thinking, Ted?

I could jam this through the soft spot
on his temple,

then slit my wrists with it
before anyone got in here to stop me.

The usual, sir.

Well, you'd never do it.
You don't have the guts.

If it's okay with you,
we'll take that raise now.

Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours,

can I not have prostate
problems any more?

I can't sleep more than 40 minutes
without needing to take a whiz.

Unfortunately for you,
somebody left the invoice

for the hospital needles on my desk.

They are really undercharging you.

So, either you shell out the extra
20 grand a month for our raises,

or we call the needle company
and it'll cost you twice that.

Ted, are you responsible for this?

Please, sir, I don't have the guts.

Oh, yeah! Suck it, bitch!

I will murder you!

I don't know why
I messed with your head.

Did you start talking?

Because I should brush my teeth.

At first, I thought I was just being mean,

because you know
I enjoy the misery of others.

It's not really a secret.

Whenever I see someone in love,

I just lose it,
and turn into an awful person.

Give yourself a break, Jordan.
Your parents were really mean to you.

Here's the big secret. They weren't.

They were actually very supportive.
I don't know how this happened.

Look, Elliot, I'm a woman
in her very, very, very late 30s

who has problems
opening herself up to love.

I hate being vulnerable.
I still play mind games.

Hell, to make Perry feel inadequate,
sometimes I fake not having orgasms.

The point is, if you want to be happy,

you should never, ever listen to me.

You maybe also want to say
you're sorry?

I do not.

Come on.

I'm sorry I was such a jerk.

I love you.

Even though I caused it,
it still feels mildly heartwarming

to fix someone's problem.

- Hello.
- What's up?

That's why I'm glad I kept Turk
from messing up his career.

And I don't care if the nurses
ever find out

that it was me who helped them.

- I guess we all have our parts to play.
- I guess we all have our parts to play.

Okay, I have a coffee
for Snoop Dogg Resident.

I wish just once
someone would call me Ronald.

Where did I park my truck?

Bees, bees, bees.

That nurse is hot.