Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 16 - My Words of Wisdom - full transcript

Today was Laverne's funeral,

but Dr Cox was having more trouble
adjusting to his new baby's name.

What's wrong with Jennifer Dylan?

You named our daughter J.D.

It's a beautiful morning

J. D!

Sorry, I was thinking
about something else.

Why would you do such a thing?

I was hoping that you would hate
the name so much

that you wouldn't be able
to hide your spite from your daughter

and she would love me more than you.



I've got to go.

Don't forget,
momma's coming home tomorrow,

so the fridge needs to be restocked
with rice cakes and vodka.

Jordan, while you were on bed rest
for the last two months,

I served as mother,
father, butler, breadwinner

and, thanks to our son's penchant
for eating nickels and

your irrational fear that they're never
going to pass through his system,

poo-poo sifter.

I was hoping that, upon your return,

you would start to assume
some domestic responsibilities.

Pass.

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

That saved...



The music was so perfect that
for a moment it made us all happy.

Well, most of us.

I'll tell you why they sound
that good, Roy.

Because they show up for practise.

Everyone reacts differently at funerals.

Some people wear their emotions
on their sleeves,

others are more stoic,

and there's always that one guy
who's completely inappropriate.

I did her autopsy.

I'm her uncle.

Your niece had beautiful guts.

Nice save, chief.

As for me, I couldn't help but imagine
what my own funeral would be like.

My girl wants to party all the time

Party all the time

Yeah!

And as you know,
J.D. only had two requests

and that is that the choir sing the song

that would remind us
of how much he loved to party,

and that he could get one last hug
from each of you.

You're the only one
I never faked it with.

It's true.

Hell, I...

I love you, Newbie.

I should have done this
a long time ago.

I knew you loved me!

I just had to fake my own death
to prove it!

He loves me, everyone!

- Can I get an amen?
- Amen!

God is good!

Worth it.

And then we'd have my real funeral.

- Are you an idiot?
- No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Brothers and sisters,
as we leave here today,

let's not mourn Laverne's passing.

- Amen?
- Amen!

Let us celebrate her life,
for isn't that what she'd want us to do?

That's where she got that.

Let us live like she lived

and don't be afraid to open your heart
to those that are dear to you. Amen?

Amen.

And always make sure you put yourself
in other people's shoes

before you judge them. Is that all right?

That's right.

And no matter how busy life gets,

I want you to take 20 minutes
every day for yourself,

so you can reflect on who you are
as one of God's children. Amen?

Amen.

I love you and there's absolutely
nothing you can do about it.

Thank you for coming.

Amazing grace

It was weird because even though
we were all caught up in the moment,

once we got to work,
we fell right back into our routines.

Turk, she's back.

Oh, my God, Tammy Two Toes.

So that's it?

One second we're mourning Laverne

and the next you're making up
ridiculous nicknames?

Baby, what am I supposed to call her?

Her name's Tammy
and she's got two toes.

I hate this.

Everybody's moving on
as if Laverne was never even here.

Babe...

It's like her feet are giving me
the peace sign.

What Carla didn't know
was that some people

were already taking
Laverne's life lessons to heart.

Perry, could I ask you a favour?

Actually, Bob,
out of respect for Laverne, no.

You see, according to the
Right Reverend Jimmy T. Gibbons,

that's the name I gave
the minister in my mind,

every day, Bob, every day,
I am to take 20 minutes for myself.

Right about now,
I'm going to be entering my imaginary,

soundproof glass bubble.

That way, I don't have to be...

I was just going to ask you
to keep your yapper shut

while I read the paper,
so everybody wins.

Dr Cox.

You might want to knock.
He's in an imaginary glass bubble.

- What?
- I need help with a patient.

Twenty minutes.

Hey, how long does it take
for an old woman to bleed to death?

I still had the post-funeral blues,

so I pulled out my secret weapon
to bribe Turk into hanging out with me.

I'm going to get
that sour ball today, right?

If I give it up right away,
you won't respect me.

Hello, Mr Frances.

When did your son start having
stomach pains?

Oh, I'm sorry, you're deaf.
It's okay, it's all right.

Will you help me communicate
with your dad?

Oh, you're deaf, too.
What are the odds?

I'm a doctor,
I should probably know that.

Here, I'll just write the questions down.
Give me your pen.

I don't have a pen.
My pockets are empty.

Except for the sour ball.

Turk, there never was a sour ball.

I knew that,
I just didn't want to believe it.

Dr Cox.

- Do you know sign language?
- I know just one sign.

It means leave me alone
for 20 minutes or die painfully.

Dr Cox.

We can't place the chest tube
in Mr Carney and he's crashing,

- so I'd really...
- For the love of God!

Dr Kelso, do you know sign language?

Is that a really commonly used sign?

I'm calling personnel.

There's got to be someone in
this hospital that does sign language.

Doctors.

- Get out of here.
- Get the heck out of here!

You don't know how to sign...

Elliot, I know I was supposed
to be sad at that funeral,

but all I could think about was

how lucky I am to have you
in my life, you know?

I'm sorry, I'm just not really
in the mood for relationshipy talk.

Yeah, sure.

And don't you dare remove that tie.

Let me guess, you want to do
some crazy, sexual role-playing.

No! I just never get the chance
to see you in a suit, that's all.

- Elliot.
- Fine.

I'm a trailer-trashy pop star
who rarely wears underwear

and you're one of my back-up dancers

who's not quite sure
about his sexuality yet!

No, I don't want to do Britney
and K-Fed any more.

Ever since the divorce, it's too sad.

Okay...

You're one of Rhode Island's
top defence attorneys

and I have just hired you
because I killed my husband

in an argument
over my addiction to painkillers.

Got it.

"His medical records are in Michigan
with his mom.

"He's only with me for a week. "

Okay, well,
tell him we're going to run some tests

and we'll be back
once we get the results.

How do you know sign language?

Well, when I was in high school, I was
a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo.

And one night I was out plucking
peacock feathers to sell for pens

when I noticed Gary the gorilla making
the sign for food.

I gave him my Danish,
he gave the sign for "Thank you. "

Those were the only two signs
that Gary knew, except for "boobs. "

- He liked them big and hairy.
- Join the club, player.

- Get away.
- Okay.

So, eventually, Gary, I'm sorry to say,
died of lung cancer.

For that I blame myself because
I used to share my smokes with him.

But he also piqued
my interest in signing,

and in his memory
I took my first signing class.

Is any of that true?

Someone would have to
read it back to me.

What's up your caboodle?

Caboodle?

Oh, it's a new word I'm trying out
to replace "ass. "

I have loose morals
and I'm living in sin,

so still hoping that not being
a potty mouth will get me into heaven.

Well, I was just thinking
it would be nice

if people at least acted like
they missed Laverne, you know?

Hey, Elliot. Look...

I know this weekend
is our one-year anniversary,

but my college buddy, Donny, is
in Vegas and he wants me to fly out.

- Coolio.
- All right.

Are you for real?

That's a trick, right?

I mean, when he comes back
from Vegas,

you're going to tear him a new one.

No.

With Keith, I've decided I'm going
to be the best girlfriend ever.

If that means skipping
some silly anniversary, that's fine.

If it means having some crazy sex

and then running off without cuddling
to go meet the fellas for a beer, great.

I might cry.

Man, if you were just 40 years older.

Hey, check this out.

Not only does our deaf kid only
have a mild case of gastroenteritis,

they just faxed me his medical history.

His condition is congenital.

They tried a hearing aid
with no results,

but I think he's a perfect candidate
for a cochlear implant.

- I think we can make this kid hear.
- Dude, that's amazing.

Can you teach me how to sign,
"I think we can fix your son's hearing"?

Or I could just tell him?

I think it's best if he hear it
from a doctor.

No, you just want the glory.

Are you really that emotionally needy?

Have we not met?

Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry, wasn't thinking.

Look, why don't we go in there
and split the glory three ways, okay?

Let's go, the three doctors.

Nothing is ever easy around here.

Whether it's something as simple as
trying to find 20 minutes for yourself...

Dr Cox, can we go somewhere
and talk about Laverne for a while?

That sounds like exactly
what I want to do.

Or something as big as finding out

your relationship isn't going
as well as you thought.

Hey, Keith,
can you pass me a fake sugar?

Elliot, this relationship
isn't working for me.

Well, that sucks caboodle.

Still, none of that matters when you
get to change someone's life forever.

- What'd he say?
- He said, "No, thank you. "

No father would deny his son
the chance to hear,

so we knew it had to be
a misunderstanding.

We told the Janitor to clear things up.

You know, if we learnt sign language,

we could talk in the movies
without Carla yelling at us.

But it's so dark.
How could we see what we're signing?

We'd get special
glow-in-the-dark signing gloves.

Yeah, but then the popcorn butter
would get all over the gloves.

Why do you keep poking holes in this?
We'd cut off the fingertips.

Okay, I'm in.

Well, I told him everything you said.

His kid's the perfect age
for the procedure,

his insurance will cover it
and he's still not interested.

Elliot, I don't have a friend
in Vegas, okay?

That was a test to see
if you even care about our anniversary.

Obviously, you don't.

Why are you trying to mess up
a good thing?

Oh, so now my feelings don't count?

Look, I...

- Sir, can we help you here?
- Oh, you already are, sweetheart.

I forgot to bring my paper down here,
but this gabfest is just delicious.

So, go on. You were
talking about your relationship,

only it was like he's the chick
and you're the dude.

All you think about is sex.

Here we go, nag, nag, nag.

You nagger.

What'd you just call him,
you punk ass?

- A "nagger. "
- Okay, we're cool.

Elliot, you're always talking
to everyone else about marriage

and having babies, but you've never
seriously talked about it with me.

I love you, okay?

You know,
you've never said that to me before?

And that's fine, I can wait.

But if we're not moving
towards something, I need to know.

So, are you going to say anything?

I really don't know what I'd say.

Well, then forget it.

Bitches, huh?
What are you going to do?

Okay, what's the problem?

Laverne was our friend

and people are walking around
like she never existed.

It's not right, you know?

- Yeah, tough crap.
- Excuse me?

You can't tell other people
how to feel, you just can't.

Some want to cry, that's fine.

Others may choose to laugh.
And guess what? That's okay, too.

Plus, you don't know what's going on
inside people's heads. Take...

Take Pee Pants here.

Now, how do you know he's not
thinking about Laverne right now?

I am thinking about her.

I haven't seen my cell phone
since her autopsy.

- You don't think if I call it...
- You're done.

So, to sum up, tough crap.

Hope that helps.

People, before I disappear
for 20 minutes,

I want to make sure
all of my patients are alive.

A simple "still here" will suffice.

Sound off like you got a pair.

- Still here.
- Still here.

Ted, we know denying surgery
isn't technically child abuse.

We're just wondering
if we have any legal recourse.

Just give me one second.

Are you looking for a legal precedent?

No, I'm looking up the word "recourse. "

Recourse...

Dr Cox!

What? What now?
What does somebody need now?

Our deaf patient's father
won't sign a consent form

so he can have a cochlear implant.

Who could you possibly go to
if the father won't sign?

Here's a hint, it begins with an "M"
and ends with an "R."

Marg Helgenberger.

The mother, get the mother to sign it.
The mother will sign it.

- The mother! Come on...
- The mother! I told you!

I'm glad it's not Marg.
We did not end well.

Hell hath no fury
like a Helgenberger scorned.

Scorned...

After "R"...

So, Keith's been on your case
about getting serious?

Totally. Plus he wants me to be all,
like, open and honest about how I feel.

I mean, do you guys talk like that
in your relationships?

I tell Turk I love him all the time.

- I wish I'd told Laverne more.
- Downer!

- I haven't seen you in a while.
- Oh, she just had a baby.

Well, then how can you be drinking?
Aren't you breastfeeding?

I haven't decided.
Were you breastfed?

Of course I was.

That is so interesting
'cause you're a slaggy buttinski

who ended up becoming a waitress
for a living.

Maybe breastfeeding isn't the answer.

This is the greatest night ever.

You know what?

I mean, if I really did have
deep feelings for Keith,

I would've told him by now.

- Maybe it is time to move on.
- That's a bunch of crap.

- Excuse me?
- You're a chicken.

In the last six years, I've seen you
get really close to one guy,

and that was J.D., and he crushed you.

And since then,
you've been so scared of getting hurt,

I've seen you sabotage
every relationship you've been in.

Honestly, you must be crazy about
Keith to let him have survived this long.

But don't worry,
you'll be alone again soon enough.

You know, Carla, sometimes
you can be a real caboodle-hole.

Oh, now, Bob, what the hell?

Have you just been sitting
on your pruny keister all day

- reading the paper?
- Heavens, no.

I also went downstairs
to get a cup of coffee.

Well, it must be nice not having
everyone want a piece of you.

If one more person interrupts
my me-time,

I'm going to go ahead
and get a tattoo of my hand

giving the middle finger
on the back of my head.

Why not?

It's not as though it could make
you look any more like a psychopath.

Whatever it takes
to get them to leave me alone.

You love it.

- How's that?
- Being everybody's go-to guy.

Perry, people do not
do things over and over

unless they get some kind of joy
out of it.

I've been watching you
for 20 years, champ.

Your joy comes from being needed.
That's who you are.

He wants to know what's going on.

Tell him we're prepping his son
for surgery.

We got the mother's consent.

And tell him,
if you know the sign, that is, "Boo-yah!"

Boo-yah!

- Nazi salute.
- Oh, my bad.

- Keith?
- What, Elliot?

How can I say this?

Look, I once had a dog
named Precious.

He was a Great Dane
and I loved him so much.

I mean, even after he disemboweled
Old Lady Morgan's cat.

Seriously, he, like, slit her
right down the middle

and threw her up in the air
and then the guts just flew out of her

like shiny red fireworks.

Precious was such a sweet dog,

and then one day,
out of the blue, he bit me.

And I knew that my dad
would have him put down,

so I said that I was bitten
by Mrs. Morgan's bulldog,

which, ironically enough, she had
gotten to replace the murdered cat.

Anyway, they came
and took the bulldog away

and I never said a word.

To this day, I wish that I had spoken up
before it was too late.

- Do you know what I'm saying?
- Not even a little.

I love you, Keith. I really do.

Got to go! See you!

Elliot, come here.

And there he goes, off to surgery.
Fists in.

Blow it up!

You know what's weird?

He doesn't seem like a bad dad.
He really loves that kid.

It must be hard with the divorce.
He barely gets to see his son.

It would kill me.

Maybe being deaf was the biggest
connection he and his son had.

You know, when I was a kid, I made
my dad teach me sign language

so I could communicate
with my deaf sister.

I ended up closer with her
than with anyone.

Maybe Mr Frances is
afraid of losing that.

Is any of that true?

Mostly.

My dad died before I was born.

Wait a minute, I met your dad.

You met a man.

Guys, we should really go in there
and talk to him.

And like that, Carla knew that Nurse
Roberts was still in all of our heads,

because even if Dr Cox never took
that 20 minutes for himself,

like the minister said,

he still realised who he was
as one of God's children.

Dr Cox, we're having trouble
placing a central line...

You know what? We'll handle it.

It's okay, you can go.
I won't tell anyone.

Elliot had finally opened her heart,

even though it made her feel
more vulnerable than ever.

Hey, Susan, have you seen Keith?

We were supposed to meet here
to ride home together,

but I can't seem to find him.

- Hey, babe. You ready to go?
- Yeah.

As for us, even though it took a while,

we finally put ourselves
in someone else's shoes.

Will you please tell him that
we know this must be hard for him?

This must be hard for you.

He knows. He'll be fine.
He just wants what's best for his son.

"Thank you for interpreting. "
Hey, no problem. That was for me.

Very impressive.

"Stop talking, idiot. "