Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 11 - My Night to Remember - full transcript

While helping a patient regain his memory, the staff at Sacred Heart stir up some memories of their own. J.D., Elliot, Turk, Carla, Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso and Janitor take a trip down memory lane.

On slow days like this,
we all find ways to pass the time.

Dr Cox tortured the interns...

All right now, children,

I know your shifts are over and
you're all excited about going home,

but first we're going to play
a little game

called "Answer the Question Correctly
or Stay Here Forever. "

Debbie, what are the neoplastic
causes of hyperprolactinemia?

Uh, ectopic tumour production
secondary to renal carcinoma?

Close, but no ciggie.

You'll be staying here forever.

Did you think that was
a little too mean?

- No?
- Wrong. It damn sure was.

You're staying here forever.

And Kenyan Intern,
can you answer me this?

Is it even possible
to give the right answer in this game?

- No.
- Correct.


you're still staying here forever.

My game, my rules. Come.

Elliot and Carla had joined
the common practise

of dividing up the stuff left behind
when a patient dies.


I am going to have Keith give me these
later in front of people.

Look, I can use this ratty thing to turn
Turk off when I'm not in the mood...

This is good.

Oh, my God.
Mrs Travis, we are so sorry.

We thought that you were dead.

Yours? I'll put it right back.

And the Janitor was killing time
in the way he always does.

Crash cart to bed three, stat!

We got you. He's not really dying.

I made a device
that makes the sound of a flatline.

It also makes that "beep-beep"
sound of a truck backing up.

I use that on people
who are sensitive about their weight.

I'm sure it's a blast.

Okay, I've put on a few,

but my son's new fiance, Kenny,
owns a Cinnabon franchise.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

As for Turk and I, we had just checked
on a patient who had a pig valve

installed in his heart, which sparked
a lively medical debate.

So, if you could have any animal part,
what would it be?

- That's easy.
- Besides an elephant's penis.

Oh, then I need a sec.

Whale's blowhole.

That way when I'm playing submarine
in the bathtub

I would never have to come up for air.

That's cool.

Wanna know
what animal parts I'd want?

I could guess.

Man, there's no milk for my coffee.

Say no more.

Thanks, pal.

Welcome. You know
what would go great with that coffee?

What's that?

- Turkey bacon.
- Yeah.

- You'd be like a big breakfast machine.
- Yeah.

Finally, something happened
that broke the monotony.

This guy from the ER, he tried to kill
himself by jumping off a building.

Let's go, people. Lend a hand.

I'm hiring a trainer, damn it.

When a patient regains consciousness
from a head trauma,

the first order of business is simple.

Do you know what your name is?

I don't remember.

Okay, well, usually
in this type of situation,

we'd refer to you as a John Doe,
but I think that's so impersonal.

I'm gonna call you Roger Templeton.

I'm just kidding. Found your wallet.
Your name's really Roger Templeton.

A little memory-loss humour, okay?
No? All right.

I think what you probably have is
a little temporary retrograde amnesia,

very common with this sort of injury.
What you need to do is get some rest.


What did he say when you told him
he tried to commit suicide?

I didn't tell him.

He doesn't need to deal
with that right now.

Hell, maybe we should never tell him.

I know I'd love to forget all the painful
things that have happened to me,

but unfortunately
I keep replaying them

in my head like some clip show
from a bad sitcom

too lazy to come up with a fresh story.

That's odd.

Hey, J.D.


Hold it!

Oh, no.

So, you're saying you'd be just fine
waking up one morning

having forgotten parts of your life?

No, just the bad stuff,

like The Matrix sequels
and that time we went skiing

and I got my lip mole stuck
in the zipper of my puffy coat.

There are so many moments in my life
I will never forget.

Oh, like that time my dad accidentally
glued my mom's legs together

after testing out
his new homemade sex lube.

Your dad's awesome.

There's certainly been
a lot of odd moments around here

and for some reason,
whenever I think about them,

The Fray is always playing.

...puts me over to you. I just thought
it would be a difficult case.

No, not that Fray song.
This Fray song.

Where was I?

This is the reason
why your headache didn't go away.

That's actually pronounced
"ah-nuhl-gesic," not "anal-gesic. "

Sir, the pills go in your mouth.

You know, I actually like Julie, so don't
do that thing that you always do.

If you're referring to the game
"Find the saltine," relax.

I don't even play that
with Turk any more.

- Behind your ear.
- My friend, you have found the saltine.

Don't tell Elliot we're still playing.

- When did you meet Morgan Freeman?
- That's my mom.

Okay, I still want to refer you
to a dermatologist,

but it looks benign to me.

Nine, nine-and-a-half.

You know why?

It's not because I have the name
Johnny tattooed on my butt.

He's an old sailor buddy,
and if you went through what we did,

you'd understand.

- Have you been drinking?
- I'm not drunk.

Why is there a pancake
in the silverware drawer?

You mean, "Why is there silverware
in the pancake drawer?"

Hey, those nuts are for my brother.
Please don't eat them all.

Do you see what you get, Carla?

Do you see what you get
when you mess with the warrior?

Are you watching Sesame Street?

You know, when I was a kid, I had
my first sex dream about Mr Hooper.

At least I think it was a sex dream.
He was trying to choke me.

Either this kid has a light bulb up his
butt, or his colon has a great idea.

You know, you're right. I was an idiot
to buy these Shower Shortz.

I mean, it's not like they come

with a complimentary shower wallet.

Shower Shortz?

For the man who has nothing to hide,
but still wants to.

Did you know they're actually
experimenting with a drug

that can erase stuff from your head,
like memories, dreams...

I don't remember any of my dreams,

except for the ones
involving cheese and Tyra Banks.

Baby, don't worry,
you have nothing to be threatened by.

In my book, it goes cheese, you, Tyra.

Well, I know one person who's not
down with erasing dreams, right, J. D?

I was already gone.

Holy inferiority complex, Batman,

how low is my self-esteem that
I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?

It could be worse, Robin.
You could be Alfred, the butler.

Damn you, sir.

- Kronk, why do you go now?
- Oh, hey, you're up.

I got a ton of bricks for Dr Dorian.

Is it hot in here? It's, like... It's hot.

Yeah, I got something to say
to Dr Cox!

I'm gonna give you the best
damn evaluation that you ever did see!

And this Friday,
at the steel cage medi-slam,

I'm gonna give you a physical
that you ain't never gonna forget!

I'm gonna probe you
'cause I'm the intern!

Answer me!

Show me boobs!

There they are!

Bring it on, bitch.

And as you can see,
the ass is on the front.

You missed a spot.

Whack a Newbie!
Whack, whack! Damn!

Missed me!

I don't like the way I look,
I don't like the way I think,

I don't like the way I feel
about how I look and think.

I have too much hair,

my boobs are too low,
my butt is too big and I'm too short.

Hey, man, how am I supposed to
finish this memo?

J. D!

I'm telling you,
you guys should daydream more often.

All you have to do
is tilt your head to the left

and then let your mind run free,
like an eagle.

As I wondered if I looked that stupid
when I fantasised,

I decided to check on Mr Templeton.

Unfortunately, he was up
and had a question.

- How did I get hurt?
- Damn it.

- So, what'd you do?
- I did what any good doctor would do.

I turned up his morphine drip
so he'd go back to sleep.

Oh, you guys, thank God you're here.
This lady is in very serious condition.

You've all heard
about my flatline device?


Okay, well, forgive me
for trying to liven things up around here

by faking an old stranger's death.

Plan B: Let's dance!

Hey, you,

yes or no?

- What?
- Well, it's a new game.

Yes or no?

- No.
- Wrong.

Now, you have to stay here forever.


I couldn't help being reminded
of all the mean things

we've done to each other
over the years.

And I realised if I replayed them all
in my head back to back,

I could probably kill
another couple of minutes.

You went to four years of college
and four years of medical school,

so I can safely presume
that you are at least eight.

Newbie, the only way
you could be less productive right now

is if you were, in fact, the wall
on which you're leaning against.

Of course, then you'd be providing

some jackass with a wall
on which to lean against and reflect

on what a jackass he truly is.

Hey, come here a sec.
We wanna do stuff to you.

Don't do that annoying thing.

- What annoying thing?
- You know, when you talk.

- Come on, that...
- See, there it is.

How does that not drive you crazy?

Frankly, each time you call me
a girl's name, I die a little inside.

Hey, girl's name.

Do you know how
I know that this is yours, Farah?


My gal Friday.

You know, Sandy isn't necessarily
a girl's name.

It's short for Sandra.

Fiona. Tiny Dancer.

Rhoda... Babs... Vivian. Nancy Drew.

Sabrina. Carol.

How about, "Go to hell, Shakira"?

Murder, She Wrote.

Gladys, Ginger, Tiffany. No!

Cheryl, Betsy, Betsy...
That's a new one.

- Betsy, good morning.
- I get it, I'm a girl.

Could you be a bigger ass right now?

Could you have
a bigger ass right now?

I'm assuming since you already
went ahead and took everything else,

that you're here for my self-respect,

but there's bad news on that one,

I already gave it to your mom
when she begged me to marry you.

Oh, I wouldn't have room for it anyway

what with your testicles
in my trophy case.

- Sir, I'm confused.
- You annoy me.

Oh, now I get it.

Hey, champ, what has two thumbs
and doesn't give a crap?

Bob Kelso. How you doin'?

Janitor, have you ever
looked at yourself

and wished you were different
in every single way?

No. I'm a winner.

Does this shade of red make me
look like a clown?

No, Barbie, no.

It makes you look like a prostitute
who caters exclusively to clowns.

Frick! Frick!

Double frick!

Anybody got
any extra ketchup packets?

Thank you, Elliott.

- You're a jerk.
- You're a jerk.

- Jackass.
- Bite me.

Great guy.

After all, I'm the whiz kid.

You are now.

Anyway, Newbie, the reason
I came down here was to tell you

that Mr Take the Easy Way Out
was awake again

and wants to know
why his lips taste like asphalt.

Somebody's got to go in there
and tell him.

I'll go do it.

We all knew Dr Cox was right

because the truth is
it's all of your memories,

the joyful ones
and the heartbreaking ones,

that make up
who you are as a person.

- You know, I don't care what you think.
- Yeah, you do.

I know.

Look, I wanna be like you,

but a more successful you.

- Are you crying?
- No.

I don't know.
I'm just completely hormonal.

I mean, you try going
from out-of-control horny

to clinically depressed six times a day.

Give me a break,
I can knock that out on the way to work.

Hey, lady,
I'm proud of what you're doing here.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

Look, man,
it was one second of doubt, okay?

Since when do you care
what anybody else thinks?

I don't. I care what you think.

Then I witnessed one of those
moments that let me know in my heart

that these two
would be together forever.

Who cares?

We're having a baby.

We're having a baby.

Yeah, we are.

- A baby.
- Yeah.

- A little you.
- Yeah and with a lot of you.

There's one more thing
you have to do for me.

You can't keep me from getting drunk.

You have to forgive yourself

for everything
that went down the other day.

- You are so annoying.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Good.

Hey, where's your camera?
Aren't you gonna take some pictures?

Pictures of what?

You know, the crying babies
covered in chocolate,

people singing Happy Birthday
to my son

who have never even met him before,
you know, the whole routine.

Where do you think we are?

I guess I came over here to tell you

how proud of you I am.

Not because you did the best you could
for those patients,

but because after 20 years
of being a doctor,

when things go badly,
you still take it this hard.

And I gotta tell you, man, I mean,

that's the kind of doctor I wanna be.

It really has been
an amazing six years, hasn't it?

I wouldn't change
a single moment, would you?

Oh, I'd damn sure change this moment.

In fact, I'd change this moment
and every other moment

you and I have ever had
that's even remotely like this moment.

- Turk, can I ask you a quick favour?
- I am not giving you a hug.

I hate this place.