Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 6, Episode 10 - My Therapeutic Month - full transcript

My licence had been suspended
for a month

for drunkenly
pushing my scooter home.

So old Sasha had become a perch
for a local bird gang.

Luckily,
I found another way to get around.

What's up?

Thanks for the ride, Lloyd.
This DUl is such a hassle.

Been there, bro. Been there.

- Alcohol?
- Crack.

Hey, by any chance,
do you like speed metal?

I did not.

- I know...
- Here, sweetie.



Oh, babe, I didn't want whipped cream.

Oh, well, let me fix it for you, babe.

- And this isn't soy.
- Sucks to be you.

I'll go get your coffee.

Do you know how lucky you are
to have a husband?

I mean, I've got a brand new home,
I am totally ready to start my life,

but I just don't know
if Keith is marriage material.

My mom thinks I should test his love
by saying I'm knocked up.

If he doesn't propose on the spot,

I just demand
that he gives me $600 for the abortion,

dump him, and ease my sadness
with a brand-new pair of Jimmy Choos.

That's how she got her
rad shoe collection in college.

Elliot, you can't test love.
When I met Turk,

it seemed he was more in love
with his best friend than with me.



Honey, they got that
almond biscotti J.D. loves.

I was wondering if I could borrow
some money so I could get him some.

No, you got him a present yesterday.

- The point is, you can't force it, okay?
- Yeah.

Here you go, babe.

- I think we should move in together.
- Awesome!

- Oh, babe!
- Turk, where's my coffee?

Turk?

Turk?

Hey, thanks for the biscotti, Obi-Brown.

No problem, Luke.

And thanks for answering my page.
I really want to rent this place,

but once I told the landlord
about my DUl

and how I sometimes pass out
when I poo,

he said I need someone
to co-sign the lease.

- What's with that?
- I have no idea.

Awesome ceiling fan.

- What happened, are you okay?
- It was a totally unavoidable accident.

Check out the hand skills.

That is awesome.

Yeah, you want to see awesome?
Turn it up.

- Turn it off! Turn it off!
- This thing came off.

This thing came off.

He was a beautiful black blur.

There is not a doctor in the world

that would disagree with Brian Dancer
when he said...

Head wounds suck.

I mean, I feel better,
but I still can't concentrate

and my motor skills are shot.
Hell, I can't even write.

Hi, Brian.

Oh, my God. It's an angel.

That nasty burlesque dancer
with syphilis

forgot her damn ostrich feathers.

We're a little busy in here, Laverne.

That was a weird one.

Hi, I'm Anne Chase,
Brian's physical therapist.

I'd love to put my ear on her butt
to see if I could hear the ocean.

Brian, you're doing that thing
where you say your thoughts out loud.

It's a side-effect of his injury.

It wasn't, but we'd been having fun
since we came up with that.

All right, Brian, what do you think
we should set as a goal?

I want to be able to write my name
by the end of the month.

Yup, the next month was
gonna be really difficult for a lot of us.

See, this way, I will know
if Keith and I have a future in a month.

So, anyway,
I can't do surgery for a month.

Hey, Dr Kelso, I was wondering,

how does one apply
for paid disability leave?

Nice try, Turkleton,
but the medical staff is shorthanded,

what with Gloria on bed rest.

Gloria's having twins!
My lady's having my babies!

Damn right.

I'm gonna have your babies so hard,
baby.

So, you're saying I'm going to be
a medical attending for a month?

Attending?
You don't have the training for that.

You're going to be a resident again.

Good morning, reasons why I drink.

You may have noticed
that we have a new face in our group.

Oh, these glasses,
they're not prescription,

but I figured I'd wear them
so I could fit in with you medical geeks.

Know what I'm saying?

Cool, a new black resident!

Oh, it's just Turk.

- Hey, Turk!
- What's happening, J. D?

Hey, hey, hey!
What is up with the giant novelty pen?

It's an occupational therapy pen.
Brian can't hold small objects.

I had an ex-girlfriend
who had the same problem.

Kidding, no she didn't. That's...
That's awkward.

Son of a bitch, that's hot.

Brian, such foul language should
never be uttered in front of a lady

with such delicate, soft ears.

I have another appointment.

- Right?
- Man, why don't you just ask her out?

Brian, expertly flirting is one thing,

but I'm not ready
to get back in the game yet.

I just got out of a serious relationship,

plus I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter
who can't drive.

- I have a fibreglass skull.
- It's always a competition with you.

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

- I know. Were you thinking about me?
- Totally. Were you thinking about me?

I always think about you
when I'm in the box, you know that.

Oh, babe.

Sweetie? This is actually
my grandmother's coffee table,

so if you could just use coaster
from now on.

Oh, the coaster argument.

You would not believe the stuff
I had to put up with

when Turk and I
first moved in together.

Do you know
what I caught him doing in bed,

even though I was
sleeping right next to him?

Hot wing?

Look, the point is, it's an adjustment.
Get ready for some arguing.

Not us. He doesn't even mind
sleeping in separate rooms.

Living with a guy before marriage
makes me feel too whorey.

You can live in separate states,

but if you're doing the nasty
before you get married,

your ass is gonna burn.

Okay, kids, time to put the spotlight
on Mr Cocky-Pants.

Name a test, any test,
that you would run for lupus.

Lupus...

Does she live on the second floor?

Does she live upstairs from you?

I think you have seen her before...

Still waiting.

- Antinuclear antibody test.
- Anti-something, something test.

It really is just super
that you're here with us

as a reminder that surgeons really are
simply ignorant scalpel jocks.

Hell, after surgery,
if there's the slightest medical issue,

you just turf the patient
right down to us, the real doctors,

so we can pick up your slack.
You cut and run, if you will.

That's right, it's not just a phrase used
by political pundits who wear bow ties.

It is also the number one reason
that all of you should pray to God,

or in your case, Rex,
Moko the Samoan Bird King,

that you never have to be treated
by these flesh-hungry butchers.

Jenny, take his glasses as a trophy.

I don't understand
why you're so devoted to that guy.

He's got this strange power.

You wait, eventually you'll crave
his approval and become just like me.

And still, as I thought about Dr Cox,
I knew J.D. was right.

See?

Hey! Looks like I caught you
admiring the old facial hair, huh?

- Oh, God!
- Thank you.

I just found out that my great, great,
great grandfather

was mutton chop enthusiast
Ambrose Burnsides.

I'm bringing back the look
to honour his memory.

It looks like tiny hamsters died
all over your face.

That happened once, but no,
this is just how I grow facial hair.

It starts out patchy,
then it gloriously erupts, you'll see.

When this fills in,
this look's gonna spread like wildfire.

Read 'em and weep.

- What are you doing in here?
- Hiding from Anne, man.

Physical therapy is too hard.
I'm getting nowhere.

I know you're scared,
but you gotta stick with it.

That means a lot coming from someone
who's scared to ask girls out on dates.

You know what, I'll make you a deal.

You stick with the physical therapy
and I will ask Anne out.

- Deal?
- Yeah.

I wonder what the odds are
of Anne saying yes.

Never gonna happen, Q-Tip.

- Kelso just had his car washed.
- I'm on it.

What did I eat last night?

Wow, everything's unpacked.
Your stuff looks great, by the way.

You mean her stuff.
She wouldn't let me put up my stuff.

Everything's awesome, we're great,
everything's great.

What do you mean we're great?
We haven't had box sex in days.

Everything was fine until Elliot broke
out her unending list of insane rules,

like "Put all open cereal
in giant Ziploc bags. "

Yeah, I don't see what's insane
about not wanting spiders

to lay eggs in my Corn Flakes.
That's how Carla's mom died.

- No, it wasn't.
- You're supposed to be my best friend!

Elliot, you gotta cut each other
a little bit of slack.

You know what, Keith? Carla's right.
I mean, if we're gonna try...

Oh, my God!

How hard is it for you
to use a fricking coaster,

you fricking fricky-frick?

What... Calm down, all right?
So I forget once in a while.

Oh, "Once in a while"?

There.

As I went to ask Anne out

and felt the familiar light-headedness
I get right before a poo-faint...

All better.

...I thought about the deals
we sometimes make.

Hello. Okay.

You know, Dr Cox, I wouldn't mind
all the crap you've been giving me

if I was actually doing anything.
You haven't asked me for help once.

Sometimes deals sting.

Because you can't.

Make a deal there, Gandhi.
I will stop mocking you

if you just shut up
and stay out of our way.

And sometimes a deal
can ruin everything.

Here's the deal, Keith.
My house, my rules.

Well, I thought this was our place.

No, Keith, this is my place.
You just rent a room.

Still, my deal with Brian was
to ask Anne out and he was watching,

so I only had one option,

ask her a random question
I knew she'd say yes to.

- Was Papa Smurf the leader?
- Yes.

She said yes! We're going out Friday.

I felt bad about my lie to Brian! Still, I...

I felt bad about my lie to Brian.
Still, I knew I had to keep it going.

Done.

Later, babe.

Check out the back scratches.

Wow. Good first date, I take it.

Okay, go.

- Let's just say, "Kitty like to scratchy. "
- Oh, yeah, she does.

Hey, but don't tell her
that you know about us, okay?

Trying to keep it on the DL.
That's how I roll.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Now, Dr Cox, there's
gotta be something I can do to help.

Well, now, Gandhi,
since you don't grasp the fact

that I think you're incompetent...

Ladies and gentlemen,
pay attention, please.

Presenting, the world's longest shush.

I'm gonna go ahead and stop.

I'm not committing
the way I normally do.

I'm gonna go away, regroup,
maybe see you later.

I knew right then that somehow
I'd make Dr Cox...

Seriously, dude, stop doing that.
That's my thing.

So,
since I told Keith he only rents a room,

he refuses to come out of it.
It doesn't matter, he'll crack.

Probably not until
after his party next week.

A party in his room?

Well, I'm off
to my family vacation in Bermuda.

Every God-awful year Enid's
wheelchair rusts in the salt water,

Harrison spends my money
getting his hair braided by trannies

and I fall asleep in the sun.
Don't page me.

- Damned trannies got me in my sleep.
- That's just wrong.

What are you up to, baby?

I've been using all my down time
to study medicine,

so I can prove to Dr Cox
I'm not just another dumb surgeon.

But every time
I crack open these books,

my brain says,
"Who cares about this crap?"

Then I wonder if we have any frozen
sugar-free fruit juice pops at home.

I'm gonna help you study tonight
and for every right answer that you get,

I'm gonna give you a bite
of frozen fruit juice pop

or, if you'd prefer,
I can remove an item of clothing.

Okay,
a major indicator of hypokalemia is?

- A potassium level under 3.5.
- Right! And here comes your reward!

- Yeah, come to daddy!
- Yeah.

Say, baby,
what happened to your shirt?

Oh, Izzy spit up on me earlier.

Well,
how come you ain't put a new one on?

To mutton chops!

Actually, these are fake.
You all look ridiculous.

Now, I did this to make a point, okay?

You have to think for yourself,
don't be a sheep, follow the fold.

I want you to repeat after me,
I think for myself.

- I think for myself.
- I think for myself.

You can't tell me what say.

- You can't tell me what say.
- You can't tell me what say.

I won't say this.

- I won't say this.
- I won't say this.

Unbelievable.

- Unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.

Hello. It's a little noisy, Keith.

Hey, everyone,
my landlord wants us to keep quiet.

Carla?

Give me a break. I haven't partied
since the baby was born.

I told Brian I was taking Anne
to the Poconos, now he wants pictures.

You have to help me morph the photos

I secretly took of her
on my camera phone

onto the pictures
from our fall foliage getaway.

Dude,
why don't you just ask Anne out?

I don't know.

That way you don't have to lie to Brian.

It's the right thing to do,
just like me studying my ass off.

Now, if you'll excuse me, watch me
drop some knowledge on Dr Kizz-ox.

Good luck.

Excuse me, coming through.

So, this patient has fever of 103,
renal failure and platelets of 25,000.

What is the diagnosis
and management?

Put them down!

It's obvious the patient is septic. I'd
treat him with an activated protein C.

Dr Turk,
that's just an excellent diagnosis.

However, with his low platelet count,

treatment with activated protein C
would cause what, class?

- Brain haemorrhage!
- Brain haemorrhage!

- And what would that cause?
- His death!

Sorry, I got so excited.
Everyone's yelling things out.

Hey, Ron.

I told you this would happen.

I can't take you seriously until you
take off the janitor's mutton chops.

Why is it
that when it comes to relationships,

people can't take advice from someone
that's already been through it?

- We're different than you and Turk.
- You aren't.

We're not gonna go through
the same things you did.

You are.

- Our love is special.
- It isn't.

- How can you say that?
- Well, she doesn't get it, babe.

Oh, babe.

I need some new people in my life.

Okay, it's now or never.

Excuse me, Anne? Hey.

My life really hasn't been
in the best place lately.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend,
who I impregnated on the first date.

Don't worry, she miscarried, okay.

And I haven't even begun
to think about asking anyone else out,

mostly because I'm concerned
that the stress that lovemaking

would put on my body
might cause me to pass out,

much like I do when I defecate.
I also live in a tent and just got a DUl.

I know that as a physical therapist,

you can appreciate someone who's
trying to get their life back on track.

Will you please
let me take you to dinner

and show you
that I'm really just a nice guy

who's fallen on some hard times?

No.

Well, just no?
Do you wanna elaborate on the "no"?

Nope.

So, I lied.

And when I finally did ask Anne out,
she said no.

- Well, did she elaborate?
- She did not.

The thing about failure

is how supportive
the people close to you can be.

Well, hey, man, it's no big deal.

At least you got back in the game,
right?

So, Dr Cox,
the cast comes off tomorrow.

Any last-minute shots
you want to take at me?

You have diabetes
and you can't eat cupcakes.

Wow!

Look, you may never have
the same grasp on medicine

as we real doctors do,
but you're miles ahead

of your fellow numb-nut surgeons.

We're okay for now, but I still
don't know if Keith is marriage material.

You guys made it through a month
and you still wanna live together.

A lot of couples never make it that far.

Yeah, but...

I don't feel like
I accomplished anything.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Brian would like to sign his name
on the insurance papers.

- Here you go.
- All right.

- Not bad, huh?
- That's great.

Brian made us realise how huge our
smallest accomplishments really are.

Whether it's having a little more
knowledge than your colleagues...

Todd, our appendectomy patient
may be hypertensive.

Let the medical wienies deal with it.
Wienie-roast five!

Dude, don't be such a surgeon.
Let's go check her out.

...or easing up on the rules
for the sake of your relationship,

or finally being ready
to get back in the game.

- Hey, Katie. You wanna grab a drink?
- Yeah, but not with you.

I'm back!

So, they let you back on the road,
huh?

Well, sort of.

They hooked up this nifty breathalyser
on my scooter.

If there's any trace of alcohol at all on
my breath, it won't start for 24 hours.

Yeah, that's where you blow.

Well, better start my shift.