Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 5 - My New God - full transcript

[J.D.] After four years,
I know the hospital so well,

I can sneak in a little nap-walk
before rounds.

Two quick steps to the left
to avoid Overly Ambitious Orderly.

Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging
because he lost his gurney again.

The man's dead, J.D.
Show some respect.

And finally,
Dr. Kelso's 9am wrong-shoulder-tap.

Damn it! Every morning, tapping.
No one's ever there!

Of course,
you can't be ready for everything.

Hey. Help me move this weekend.

We scoff, and we walk away.

Remind me again why you're
having our son baptized.



Oh, what do you even care?
You're not going.

Fine, let him go to church.
I let him go to magic shows.

I'll tell him it's a lie
when he gets home

so he doesn't have
those crazy nightmares.

By the way, I invited your sister.

Jordan, please tell me you didn't.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
I didn't realize you'd be so upset.

I'll call her and tell her not to come.

[Chuckling] How weird
would it be if I was like that?

- Totally.
- Weird.

- When is this joyous occasion?
- You're not invited.

I see. Family only.
That's how they're doing it.

I'm going.

Give me a break. You're going.



As a matter of fact, I'd...
like you to be the boy's godfather.

I... am honored.

I... am lying.

[Carla and Turk snickering]

I'm not sure I see how that's funny.

- What's with the second beeper?
- Carla gave it to me.

She's got me on
24-hour baby-making alert.

We haven't had sex
since her last ovulation.

You know women
only do that once a month?

Of course I knew that, Turk.
I'm a doctor.

Once a month? That's crazy!

I don't know why I bother.

Little Hayley doesn't
have a chance this month.

I name my eggs.
Big frick. Last month it was Cassie.

- Cassie's pretty.
- Oh, she would have been, J.D.

She would have been.

[Whistles] Everyone,

this is my sister, Paige.

I'd like you to meet
random people I don't care about.

Here for the baptism.

I remember my son Harrison's big day.

All of us laughing at him
in his frilly little baptism dress.

Well, we're not laughing anymore.
Harrison's a poofter. Bob Kelso.

Hi, I'm J.D.
I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.

No.

Nothing about taking a talented
go-getter under his wing?

Surrogate father
to a boy who's lost his own?

Nothing about that? I'm surprised.
That's interesting.

- Don't cry in front of people.
- Perry and I don't talk much.

They don't talk much!
There's no talking in the family.

Rest assured, Newbie, even if we
did talk from morning till night

about all the big and tiny things
that matter most to me,

the big being my son Jack,
a cure for cancer,

the resurgence of the hard-shell taco...

The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind
energy and all fruit-infused liquors,

your name still would not have come up.

I'm honestly not sure which one
of you I find more irritating.

What does he find irritating about you?

Fire at will.

I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ
as my personal savior.

I'm not sure why it
was suddenly so awkward,

I wished something'd
break the tension.

[Pager beeps]

# Hallelujah
A brother's 'bout to have some sex

# Hallelujah
A brother's 'bout to have some sex #

Smack the moneymaker!

- Smack it!
- That's how he likes it.

[Groans] Sex time, people!

He's married,
so it's strictly procreation sex.

His wife's throwing her legs up in the
air because they're trying for a boy.

Like Jesus.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

You know what used
to drive Perry nuts as a kid?

Every night we'd play Horse
in the driveway and I'd kick his ass.

Can Christians say "ass" now?

I have a friend, Pat Casey,
he called his mom an ass once.

She hit him in the face with an iron.

He still goes to church,
but he can't whistle anymore.

OK. I'm going to go say hi to Jordan.

She's dynamite. How'd you end up
with a born-again Christian sister?

I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken
one day and she picked up the Bible

and found it to be just
a darn good read.

Or maybe it had something
to do with our mother's ability

to watch silently as our dad
drunkenly knocked us from room to room.

- What do you think, Newbie?
- Probably the room to room thing.

Uh-huh.

[J.D.] It's hard to find the right words
at a moment like this.

Dr. Cox, if it makes you
feel any better,

at the baptism I'll be there
to keep Paige company.

Yeah. You're not going.

Damn it! Stupid baptism.

# I'm going to have some sex
I'm going to have some sex...

OK, so my cervical mucus is peaking,
my temperature is slightly elevated

and pillows will keep my vagina angled
so the semen pools against my cervix.

Baby, that is some God-awful dirty talk.

We're making a baby.
Get down to business.

Honey, I need to feel the heat.

I need 30 minutes of foreplay.

Then, and only then, can I be
fully ready... to make love to you.

Tyra Banks.

There, you're ready.

[Ominous organ and choir music]

[Ominous music stops abruptly]

Oh, hey, fellas. I'm trying to give
somebody the evil eye over there.

Would you mind breaking it up
so I can...? You understand.

Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you.
I appreciate it. Thank you.

[Music resumes]

He's just mad
because I won't help him move.

You should have done it.
Helping someone move is like oral sex.

You do it once,
and then they owe you for life.

My high school boyfriend is an
accountant and he does my taxes free.

You know what's weird?
He also does my brother Barry's.

My son Harrison dabbles
in sadomasochism

and he has a new gimp named Barry.

Or is it Larry? At my age it's getting
harder to keep track of his gimps.

And then it occurred to me.

This was the perfect opportunity to take
an enemy and turn him into a friend.

I'll do it.

I knew you would.
You're very predictable.

[Both] No, I'm not.

[Both] Stop doing that!

[Both] Peanut-butter-egg-dirt!

Newbie, let's go.
Mr. Donnelly's test results are in.

[J.D.] It's never easy to tell a family
that medicine isn't working.

I... I wish I had better news for you.

We're not seeing the improvement
we'd hoped for with this medication.

- What are our options?
- I'm afraid there are no other options.

There's always prayer.

[J.D.] Oh, no.

You know, with God by your side,
anything is possible.

Could I speak with you

in the "stop filling my patient's
head with false hope" ward?

Paige, we have protocol here.

First we shake our Magic 8-Ball, then we
explore all witchcraft-related options.

Oh, right, 'cause people who believe in
God are crazy and you're the sane one.

Hey, do you guys like improv?
'Cause I'm kind of an expert.

There's a game we play in class where
you make up what people are saying.

Like watch. "Do you want some pie?"

"Not me! I hate pie!" "What are
you talking about? Who hates pie?

Everyone loves pie!"
"I've always hated pie.

You never understood me.
You're a pie racist."

"You're a cobbler whore."

For God's sake, get off pie!

- Jerk.
- Republican.

Pie.

I need an improv class that
doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

[Pager beeps]

[Groans] Damn it,
I gotta go have ovulation sex again.

Are you complaining
about getting to have sex?

Because that is so insensitive, Turk.

- J. D...
- Let me feel my feelings, Turk!

We worked on this.

- I really gotta stop doing that.
- You can talk to me if you want.

I can't talk to you about sex. I don't
understand that crazy gibberish you use.

Penis is schwing-something.

Schwing-schwong, peepers or peep.

And vagina is...

Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.

Here's the deal.
I'm trying to get in the mood, right?

And Carla's going on and on
about her cervical mucus...

Ah-ah, b-b-but, mm-mmm.

From now on, cervical mucus
will be referred to as "icky sticky."

- Icky sticky.
- Continue.

- Morning, sunshine.
- Never say that again.

Noted.

That was quite a fight
you had with your sister.

Won't it be a little awkward
when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral

on the corner of Maple and Pine right
across from Temple Oheb Shalom at 4pm?

That's not where the baptism is,
but nice try.

Mark my words. When that bastard's
dipped in water, I will be there.

Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by.

Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and
it looks like the steroid is working.

If you happen to be keeping score,
that would be medicine one, God zero.

You don't have to rub it in her face.

I don't have to stick Kelso's
stethoscope down my pants, but I do.

Isn't there some other relationship
you could be out there trying to fix?

Actually, there was.

Mornin' sunshine.

- I don't like that.
- Nobody seems to.

Come on. Grab some boxes.
Let's get to moving.

I hope I can find a way
to connect with him.

Thanks.
That's one of my favorite pieces.

You're welcome, friend.

I gotta say, you have a lot
of Asian art around here.

When I was a kid,
I thought I'd travel the world.

After college I went to China.
Did all the touristy things.

I saw the Great Wall, ate the food,
had a baby with a local.

Just the regular stuff.

I decorate my place this way
because it reminds me

of a more optimistic time.
That probably sounds crazy.

Doesn't sound crazy at all.

Thanks, man.

And like that, I was in.

[Pager beeps]

Damn!

- I paged you an hour ago.
- I was in surgery.

Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?

- Guess we're not having sex?
- Oh, no. We're having sex.

- Get in there.
- Wait, baby, I'm too full.

- Now, Turk!
- Man!

Long story short,
after confirming it with my bunkmates,

that counselor and his "friendship"
lotion were transferred out of our cabin

and we never spoke about it again.

Well, what doesn't kill you...

We were thick as two thieves in a pod.

OK, time to move some
of the heavier stuff,

so you might want
to put on these gloves.

And the attic upstairs has a lot
of fiberglass in it, so a little hat.

- Thanks, pal.
- Sure, bud.

I figured out why I'm so great
at managing relationships.

I don't rub things in people's faces.

I thought you might like to know that
your husband's chest x-ray looks better.

He is finally starting to improve.

Thank you so much.

I was really just doing my job.

Oh, I'm talking to Paige.
She was up all night praying with us.

You big jerk!

I never go to bed very, very mad.

Angry sex is awesome.

I've always known if I make even
the slightest gesture of friendship

to a difficult co-worker...

Who are you?

... I'll end up robbing
an Asian couple's house.

I couldn't help wondering what the
sentence was for stealing a buddha.

After all, people
get pretty sensitive about religion.

Could I comment on the baptism dress?

You should wait to see
the matching slippers and handbag.

You're actually encouraging him
to cross-dress on the same day

you're introducing him to a religion

that will condemn him to hell for it.
That's a trauma two-fer.

Can you two please
just try to get along?

I'm getting some blush for Jack,

because this lace collar
is washing out his face. Terrible.

Paige, will you just acknowledge
that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?

- Fine, it was medicine.
- A-ha!

- Thank God for creating medicine.
- [Muttering] That's it!

- That is it!
- [Jack giggles]

Now, you may be a total goner, but
God's not getting his hands on this one.

No way. No how.

Come on, Jackie boy,
we've got places to go.

[# Bryan Ferry: Slave to Love]

- [Carla] Turk, I'm ready!
- All right.

So angry sex is awesome.
That's no reason to go down a bad road.

Baby, you know what I miss?

When your body was kickin'.

I ain't touching no damn diapers.

[Screams]

Baby, all I'm saying is,
in some European countries,

it's totally acceptable
for a man to have a mistress.

What are you...?

I'm gonna make you pay
for every word you said.

[Door slams]

Worth it.

Now that I'm on the lam,
I thought about two things:

One, what my prison name would be.

Gizmo.

And two, whether some relationships
were beyond repair.

Then fate threw me another curve.

- Who's your friend?
- My boy in a dress. Who's yours?

Seeing as he gave me the strength
to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit,

I'd say he's my new god.

You can rub mine's belly
if I can rub yours.

Don't you touch my son.

Angry sex is like a drug.
I can't stop.

I'll be right out.
I'm fixing my hair.

Rake's in the closet, baby.

Help me!

Turk, just go back to the way
things were. Carla loved it.

Trying to make a baby with you is
the sexiest thing in the world to her.

I'm a man. I've been programmed
to think that a baby

is the worst
possible consequence of sex.

Well, it's not.

Honey for my honey.

[Growl]

Why are you stopping?

Losing a baseball scholarship
because a bear ate your arm

is a much worse consequence of sex.

You have to help me
end this angry sex cycle.

I'm ready.

Carla, Turk's making you mad on purpose
because the angry sex is so good.

[Inhales deeply] The cycle is broken.

There will be no whining or crying
while we sit here.

- He seems fine.
- I wasn't talking to him.

I don't whine or cry.

Really? How do you explain these
photos of you whining and crying

as you run away
from the Kwans' apartment?

- These are coasters.
- My camera's broken.

- You turned me into a felon!
- You know what there, Newbie?

You can go to the baptism.
And take Jack.

Jordan will kill me if he's not there.
Plus, I know you.

You're one watered-down appletini away
from trying to fix my sister and me.

No. If there's one thing
I learned from this guy,

I need to stop
fixing people's relationships.

You're welcome.

I've never known you to judge
a person based on their beliefs.

In fact, you're pretty tolerant
of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman.

Huh.

I don't understand why your sister
being religious bothers you.

- It doesn't.
- Then why are you so angry?

So do you like pie? "Look at me.

Do I look like a guy
who doesn't like pie? I love pie."

Incidentally,
where do you buy your loincloths?

I don't think I can do this
without Perry. He's my everything.

It would be weird
if you were like that.

- Right? Yeah.
- Yeah.

I don't understand
why we can't have fun.

I'm glad you had
to hurt my feelings.

- I can't believe you! Calm down.
- Calm down? I'm gonna kill you!

You hear that?
She's gonna kill me. Get her.

OK, look. You two stop fighting
or I will turn this church around!

[J.D.] Sometimes I think it takes
a child to make you see the light.

[# Joseph Arthur: In The Sun]

Isn't he beautiful?

Yeah. He is.

[Paige] Oh! Wow!

Has anyone ever told you
you're an extremely average athlete?

That's cold, sis. Ice cold.

You know, I've been thinking
about why I hate seeing you so much.

Please, Perry, don't hold back.

It's not the God stuff.

I've worked hard to try to forget
everything about our childhood.

But when I see you,

I... I can't think about anything else.

It's hard for me too.

I don't see why you can't be there
for the major events in Jack's life.

I'd love to see him turn three.

The major events, Paige:

His graduation, his wedding, his
divorce and his funeral. The big four.

I beat you at Horse,
he has a church wedding.

Done.

- That went in, didn't it?
- Did you thank the G-man for that?

- That was all me, baby.
- Yeah, it was.

So maybe relationships can be fixed.

Whether it's by coming around
to your spouse's way of thinking...

I'm sorry. I didn't get how
this baby-making stuff could be sexy,

but I do now.

Well, you know, Turk,

I can get angry
if you give me a little help.

If you had no hair,
you'd look like Danny DeVito.

Oh, Turk, a little help.

Mm-hm.

... or by reassuring the Kwans
that their big guy didn't desert them.

In the end, you just have to be willing
to take the first step.

By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday
is in the spring... sometime.

March 21 st. Bye, Perry.

Bye, Paige.

- You know, Paige is a silly name.
- Perry's worse.