Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 5, Episode 3 - My Day at the Races - full transcript

Carla's still the only one who knows Elliot's fellowship was canceled. J.D. is turning 30 and gets the urge to achieve something. Turk is fighting for an attending's spot. Elliot wants Jake to open up but isn't prepared to handle it.

Since I was currently homeless,

Turk and Carla were letting me
crash here as long as I needed.

J.D., you have to get out.
This place is tiny.

I'm sick of seeing your manpanties
all over the bathroom.

They're called boxers, Carla.
They're satin, J.D.

With a breathable cotton crotch panel.
King me.

I need to find someone
to split the rent at my place.

I thought you were getting
good money at your fellowship.

So first, my fellowship gets canceled
because some jackass cures the disease,

and the only job I can get
is working at this free clinic

for eight bucks an hour.
No one's life could be worse than mine.

Uh, the fellowship's great.

Oh, God, Carla, please don't tell them
I'm working at a free clinic.

She doesn't want me
to tell them.

Women have an unspoken
connection men can't even fathom.

I know you can't look
because Carla's here,

but you're missing
a Victoria's Secret commercial.

I'm watching Gisele
in my spoon right now.

You know, you two could solve both of
your problems if you moved in together.

Whoa, whoa, whoa and whoa!
Hold your horses!

We have a very complicated past.
Yeah, I hurt her, and I'm not proud.

I'm a little proud.

We've restored our friendship
by staying away from dangerous topics.

Relationships, things of that nature.

J.D. And I keep it superficial.
Love the superficial.

Dynamite teeth today.
Oh, thanks, buddy!


You can't live with Elliot.
You're not living with us,

so get out by Friday.

My birthday!

I've evited everyone
to a party at our place.

Whose place?
Your place.

I can't just unevite everyone.

I've already got two eyeses and 24
emaybes. That's a lot of esponses.

Bambi, I'm gonna
put my efoot up your ass.

It's a Mexicanthemed fiesta on the
first anniversary of my 29th birthday.

That means I'm turning 30.

?Donde? 56 Walnut Drive.

? Cuando? Thank you for asking.

Ocho thirty until
upsidedown question mark.

Sombreros at the door.

I'll be there.
Gracias, amigo.

I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

Since there were 12 surgical
residents at Sacred Heart fighting

for four attending spots,
Turk was asskissing the senior staff.

Oh, damn, I left my briefcase upstairs.

Excuse me a second.

Turk thought he was
the only one who heard that.

Dr. Wen! Dr. Wen!
I've got your brief...

He was not.

I had no idea that there was that many
Asian surgeons in this hospital.

I got your back, TDog.

Then let it begin.

Quit fooling around with those guys
and get down here! Whahyah!

Here comes the big dog!




Hyah, whabup!


Thanks for having my back.
Yeah. Betrayal five.


Hey, buddy.

Betrayal five.

Dr. Wen!

Oh, my briefcase.

You know, I totally saw that coming.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know
I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

Dude, look at you.
Thirty years old, all growed up.

Oh, really, Turk?

Because the Sacred Heart sign
I vandalized last night begs to differ.

Remember when we made lists of all
the stuff we wanted to do by 30?

Check it!

"Things to do by 30:
Get married, buy a house,

learn difference
between senator and congressman."

You haven't done any.
I know. But who cares?

I got all the time in the world.
I mean, I'm only turning 30.

No one's 30.

Where did all these
unsupervised children come from?

So you wanted to talk
to me about your appendectomy, Mrs...


Now that ain't right!

15 percent of all surgical
complications are anesthesiarelated,

so I'd like to use hypnosis
instead of traditional anesthesia.

I'd like to sleep with Beyonc?
instead of my wife tonight,

but that ain't happening either,
you know what I'm sayin'?

Tell you what, I'll think about it.

My appendectomy patient wants me
to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.

I'd like to throw in
Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan,

but that ain't gonna happen.

Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox!

No! Awful!

Hypnosis is a very powerful tool.

It's helped with depression,
weight loss. It helped me quit smoking.

Hypnosis is for birthday parties
and bad Vegas lounges.

Now, you go tell your patient
to let you do what you do best:

Knock her out,
start digging around inside

like a blind man looking for a nickel.
You should do it.

Knock her out and dig.
Do it.

Dig. Dig. Dig.
Do it. Do it.

OK. I'm gonna go
with Dr. Cox on this one.

That's a rookie move,
and you hate to see it.

You always side with the wife,
even if she's got a case of the crazies.

Turk, we're gonna have kids soon.
We're supposed to be a team.

That means you occasionally have to
listen to me and believe in my opinion.

What if we have a daughter
and she wants her ears pierced?

Irrelevant, not having a daughter.

What if we have a son
and he wants to take dance,

though his friends
are playing football?

He can dance if he wants to.
He can leave his friends behind.

# 'Cause his friends don't dance
and if they don't dance

# Then they're no friends of mine


Then I said, "What if our son
wants to take dance class

instead of football with his friends?"
Turk ran off singing Safety Dance.

Didn't you learn your lesson that time
you told him the commissar was in town?

Someone's leaving!

We saw it first!

Jordan, here's the plan:

I'm gonna cram
an entire evening's worth of drinking

into the next five minutes. Now,
you just make sure not to engage them.

Be particularly aware
of the blonde talky one.

I've worked with her before.
She has no off button.

If money is so tight,
have Jake move in with you.

Who's Jake?


He's this guy I've been going out with,

but we're not ready to move in.
He's a little closedoff.

Sweetie, are you aware
of who I live with?

Jordan Godzilla Sullivan!
You stop that, and you stop it now!

Why don't you try talking to humans
for once? You might enjoy it.

Elliot, maybe you should
be the one to open Jake up.

You know, like Turk can be a little...

I have to talk
about my feelings over dinner

or shut off his iPod during sex. I bet
you could do the same thing with Jake.

Or maybe you could pressure him,
get dumped, throw on 50 pounds,

start collecting knickknacks
and meet your future now.

You know, before the
Ioneliness burns too much?

Gosh, I did enjoy that!

You haven't done anything on this list.

You never slept naked on a hammock?

I'm afraid of dragonflies. I'm not
gonna make a big deal out of this.

Neither one of us has made headway.

Don't lump me in with you
'cause I'm a surgeon, I'm married,

I've had sex while playing Frogger,
I'm gonna be a dad.

I'm through my list.
I've done nothing.

I learned another language,

but it was that one where you put
a "b" in every word.

I was never fluent.
That secret language was so lame.

Nobba with the ladiebbys!

Dr. Kelso! Have any idea who's gonna get
those three attending spots next year?

There are four spots for next year.

Three, not counting
the one going to me!

I'm gonna stick with four.

See, there are numerous
skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart...

Did you see the sign?

Though there will be
no vandalism here, people!

It was classic.

Anyway, the key is doing something
to get noticed.

I don't know if you know,
but I'm doing an appendectomy

using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.

Well, it's about time.

Hell's bells, son, when I say
the name Turkelton, people laugh.

Maybe because that's not my name.

Not yet, Turkelton. Not yet.

Elliot, I don't think
I understand what you want.

I just want you to open up,
you know, emotionally, spiritually.

I'm not exactly religious, you know,

but I do think that God
watches after my family and,

well, my favorite sports teams.

Tenth grade,
He made Jennifer Martin sleep with me.

OK. How about opening up sexually?

What's your wildest fantasy?

Yeah, it's not happening.
Come on!

Sometimes in bed, I feel like
I'm the only one screamin'!

You're quiet as a mouse.
All the screaming is in your head.

Yeah, but in there, it's crazy.

Fine, why don't you tell me
your wildest fantasy.

OK, fine.

You're a Mexican apple thief,
I run the cider house.

I catch you behind the stone mill,
you chase me into the tasting room...

Oh, if there's a crow in there, fine,
if not, I can live with it.

Anyway, we're alone,
you don't speak a word of English,

but you teach me more about hard cider
than I learned from my fermenting exams.

And our passion is so loud that they can
hear it all the way in the distillery.

Oh! God, I can be such an apple slut.


When did we lose Mr. Heath?

Oh, we didn't. His vitals are fine.

Doug, I told you
to stop pretagging patients.

It's a slow day in my morgue.
Nothing's written in stone.

You wrote a time of death!
I wrote "oneish."

Get outta here!
Why are you so pissy?

Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening,
I turn 30.

I have to find one thing on this list
I can do by then.

Swing by our parts department
and pick up a pair of testes.

Haven't you used that
a trillion times?

I'm OK with it.

"Invent a cereal"?
"Complete a triathlon"?

There's a triathlon tomorrow.

Thing One and Thing Two
have been training for it.

We're working on our drafting technique.

If your goal is to repel all women,
it's definitely working.

Ignoring him... And switch.

I'll do the triathlon!

You don't know anything
about triathlons.

I didn't know anything
about cereal inventing, either.

If it wasn't for a certain
cease and desist letter,

we'd be eating
J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.

You're not serious about this,
are you?

Why is everybody wearing wetsuits?
The water's like 49 degrees.

So, what's your best time, buster?

Honestly, Ted, it doesn't really matter,
as long as I finish by 6:41 tonight.

The harder you push yourself
to do something,

the harder it is to back out.

Whether you're caught
in a lie with your wife...

I heard you were doing the hypnosis
surgery. You actually listened to me!

Hell, yeah, I listened to you.
Baby, come on!

That's the reason I'm doing it.
'Cause of you and how well I listen.

I love you.
I love you.

... or you're trying
to get your boyfriend to open.

Come on! Come in and show me
what you really like.

No one is gonna judge you.

Oh, my God, Jake!

You wanna talk about it?

And sometimes, the only thing
you can do is just dive in.

Oh, Jehovah, that's cold!

Oh, God, why?

There's a little. Here's some more.

All right, ease it in. Ease it in.

As I sidestroked through
the salty waters of the great Pacific...

Pick an apple, put it in your pocket.

... I wondered if everyone
was doing as well as I was.

Why are these cameras here?

Turkelton, this is quite
the event here at Sacred Fart.

I can't help it, it kills me.

Yeah, we got visiting doctors,
video crews,

even that Japanese news anchor
who slept with me

when I convinced her
I was an oil tycoon.

If she comes over here,
my name is TBone!

We're getting a good bit of interest
from the seismologists at Caltech,

who I understand will be able
to chart the magnitude of the scream

emanating from your hypnosis patient,
as well as, of course,

the numerous afterscreams
that are sure to follow.

No interviews!

Turk. Turk, where are you going?

I can't do this.
I don't believe in this hypnotism crap.

I only needed to impress Kelso.
Oh, great, you lied to me.

I'm about to ruin my career by plunging
a knife into a conscious person.

But you know what, you're absolutely
right, let's focus on the lying.

As I reached the biking stage
and finally realized what chafing was,

I got a surprise visitor.

How's it goin'?

Well, my bike is rusty,

I haven't been able to feel my genitals
since they first touched water,

the only thing I've had
to eat is a half a jellyfish.

Why are you here?
Can I talk about Jake?

Dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.

Anytime I talk about a guy,
she tells me to marry him

so the four of us can go to dinner.

I've been dating this guy, but I found
out that he went on a gay cruise.

Cheap trick. Marry him,
the four of us'll have dinner.

He said he might be gay!

Talking about Jake violates the most
important tenets of our relationship.

One, keep discussion superficial.

And two, no talking while my boys
are straddling chrome.

That one's new.
Why don't you try a higher gear?

It's like pedaling in hummus!
See ya, buddy!

Oh, thank God!

I think the bike part's finally over.
Oh, no!


I can play with signs too!

This is great.
I'm being assisted by a magician.

The only way to get through this
is to believe it's gonna work.



That was just a fingernail, honey!

How would you like it
if I cut out your appendix?

Let's forget that hypnosis
is used to lower bleeding,

aid recovery, or help patients
deal with pain. You are married.

So start believing what I tell you
to believe. And don't pinch me!

During the eightmile run,
dehydration set in.

Hang in there, buddy!
See you at the luau!

They already finished and cooked a pig?

Hey, J.D.

You're real. Although the
dolphin costume's a little odd.

This Jake thing
is still really bothering me.

You know our rules.
I've been thinking.

Who wants to have
a superficial friendship?

Do you remember
how close we used to be?

Dealing with Dr. Cox,
our screwedup families,

talking about everything?
I miss that.

This is working.
Not for me.

I wanna be able to tell you
my boyfriend freaked me out.

If he freaked you out,
why don't you talk?

I don't know! You tell me.

All right, fine, Elliot.
You wanna know why? You're just like me.

You're scared. You feel you
haven't accomplished anything.

Instead of running a triathlon,

you're pushing forward
with a guy you don't belong with.

You know as well as I do, he's gonna
open up a bottle of white wine for you

when you really prefer red, except you
never told him that. Know why?

It's because he's not right for you,
Elliot. Are you happy now?

You're pretty smart
for a guy running in bike shoes.

Must... finish... race.

You can do this. You can do this.

What are you saying to her?
"You can do this. You can do this."

Small world. Scalpel.

Making first incision.

Well, here goes.


All right!

Clamp, please!

They say that, in life,
all good things must come to an end.

Sometimes it comes quietly.

I like red.
You do?

Jake, I think we need to talk.

Sometimes, not so quietly.
You can do this.

Ohb nob.

You can do this! You can do this!
You can do this! You can do this!

And suddenly, you realize you've
taken something as far as it can go.

What the hell was I thinking?
No, you did great, baby.

She's right, Turkelton.
Hell, without anesthesia,

you made it halfway through.
I bet you could publish that.

Maybe they'll put it
in Almost Magazine.

You know, it wouldn't hurt you
to make some noise around here.

How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.

See? My baby made some noise.

Yeah, I made some noise, all right.

J.D., what you said before...

I knew you were right.
Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad.

Thanks. You were wrong
about one thing, though.

We are moving forward.

Elliot, I'm 30 years old,
I'm single, I'm homeless

and I'm pretty sure
I just soiled myself.

Why don't you just move into my place?

Oh, great, then we'll be
two losers under one roof.

By my watch, you've got eight minutes
to finish this thing. Come on.

A wise man once said the human
spirit can overcome any obstacle.

I can't.
Come on!

That man had obviously
never run a triathlon.

Come on.

You're not really helping!

Are you sure this is the finish line?

I think I see him.

As for me,
I could overcome any obstacle,

as long as I had Elliot and her
ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.


We made it!

And with...
and with two minutes to spare!

Baby, I'm not carrying 'em to the car.

Promise to help me get
through my thirtieth?


Will you tell me
what Jake's fantasy was?

It involve chains?


Candle wax?

Role playing? Lasers?


Was he a Mexican apple thief?
If only...