Scrubs (2001–2010): Season 2, Episode 4 - My Big Mouth - full transcript

I can't stress enough how much
you gotta avoid the red meat.

Cirrhosis is preventing your liver
from filtering out toxins,

and you could become encephalopathic,
leading to a mental status change.

I'm gonna start acting crazy
or something?

You'll need a tinfoil hat
to hold in all your thoughts.

I can still have a tiny bite
of my wife's carne asada, right?

- Well...
- The greatest thing about Carla

is I always know I can count on her
to be the bad cop.

What part of "no meat" don't you get?

- I just thought...
- Carla!

So if you don't listen to Dr Dorian,
you're gonna have to answer to me.



- OK. lx-nay on the eat-may.
- That's right.

We're a team.

- What?
- Eat-may sounds like eat me.

Of course, on some teams
there's gonna be friction.

All right, we're done here.

- Bonnie, you close.
- Damn.

Don't be mad. Just be the good
little bee-atch you are

and wipe the sweat off my forehead.

Look, don't say "bee-atch."
You can't pull it off.

Interesting, being that you're
the queen mother of all...

Dr Wen, my forehead's
feeling a little misty.

Dr Turk, are your hands broken?

No.

- Here you go.
- That's nice.



Bee-atch.

And some teams
never really seem to get together.

- I'm so glad I caught you...
- And there it is again.

That ringing in my ears.

It's kind of an...
but more piercing.

It's more of an...

She's trying to ask you a question.

Now, you, you're more
of a low-pitched...

It's more masculine,
which, quite frankly, is surprising,

considering the source, but make
no mistake, oh, just equally annoying.

Luckily, though,
I know how to make the pain go away.

- Much better.
- Can you believe that?

Every time we talk to him,
he goes off on a random tangent...

- ...you know?
- Clearly, we're on the same page.

We're residents.
We should be treated like colleagues,

and I can't even get him to notice me.

Oh, God.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

OK.

Maybe if you wore your hair up...

What's up?

Be careful here.

Don't give him anything.

Nothing. What is up with you, man?

I always get this way in the fall.
Summer's gone, the days are shorter.

It just makes me feel so...
What's the word?

- Sad?
- Yes, that's it.

I'm a janitor, so I couldn't
think of the word "sad."

I was going to say
"it makes me feel so mop."

- Let me explain. I...
- Go ahead. I'm mopping.

- Maybe I shouldn't bother.
- Maybe you mopn't.

I guess after a while,
you just stop being surprised by people.

Yeah, I'm going to be needing a room.

Who can say no
to 49-cent cheeseburgers?

Tack on the medicine, your room,
and pumping your stomach,

and that 49-cent cheeseburger's
in the neighbourhood of $1,300.

- See, that's how they get you.
- That's right.

- Carla, your brother called.
- Cool.

- You have a brother?
- That's my pet name for Turk.

You know, cos he's mine,
and he's a black man, my brother.

That is adorable.
Think he'd mind if I call him that too?

- JD, I was kidding.
- I know.

But I'm still gonna ask.

So how come I know nothing
about your family?

I don't know. I'm just not big
on sharing my personal life with people.

But you know everything about me.

You even know I have them
switch Lauren's shifts

so we always end up working together.

- I didn't know that.
- You do now.

- Because I'm sharing with you.
- OK, I'm leaving now.

- Well...
- Another Friday night?

- That's three in a row!
- I know. It's so unfair.

I'm mad about it.

Bonnie is killing me. I cannot beat
this woman no matter what I try.

- She's like a ninja, but worse.
- Nothing's worse than a ninja.

They're masters
of every style of combat.

Can we please talk about something
other than Bonnie?

You should give Bonnie a break.

It's really hard being
a woman around here.

You walk through walls
and nobody notices you.

Not entirely unlike a ninja.

Whatever. I'm out.

Catch you later, my brother.

- I'll holler.
- He said "holler."

Mr Tillman's results are back.
It's bad.

Dammit, Laverne,
why can't I ever be the one dying?

- I don't know.
- It was rhetorical.

Tell Mrs Tillman I'll be right out.
That would be terrific.

- Mr Tillman is my patient too.
- He is?

I was in the room with you
this morning, remember?

No.

Well, I was. Anyway, if you want,
I could talk to his wife.

Because I just really enjoy
that kind of stuff.

Wait a minute. Are you actually
saying you enjoy telling people

their spouses are going to die?

Yep. I mean,
I know that sounds a little bit weird,

but I just really like being there
for people.

It's kind of why I became a doctor
in the first place.

Well, it's nice to know
where the magic began.

There you go.

So, how are my girls today?
Fantastic. Listen...

If you're here to do one of your
"How are my girls today,

now let me tell you some things
you don't want to hear" routines,

I'm in a mood, so it's probably
in your best interest

to make up some lame excuse and leave.

Young lady,
I will not be spoken to like that.

Luckily for you, I have to go see
Miss Fitzstrafoler.

- Attaboy.
- Rough day, huh?

Well, maybe it would help
to share with someone.

OK, you want in?
You want me to open up?

- I think I can handle it.
- Fine.

I don't like the way I look,
I don't like the way I think,

or the way I feel
about how I look and think.

I have too much hair,
my boobs are too low,

my butt is too big,
and I am too short.

Plus, I woke up and cried because
I thought I was getting wrinkles,

but it turns out I just fell asleep
on Turk's corduroy pants.

There. Now you think
I'm the craziest woman here.

Dr Cox let me tell a woman
that her husband's dying.

No, I don't.

Huh. So I'm doing
a nissen gastric fundoplication,

and you're doing
yet another appendectomy.

- How fun for you.
- You call that smack talk?

You should ask how it feels
to be so far below you

I wouldn't be able to read
"Suck it, Turk"

if you wrote it
on the bottom of your shoe.

OK. How does that feel?

- Damn.
- Doctors.

Something I've taken
great pride in over the years

is Sacred Heart's involvement

in the esteemed "Doctors
Without Borders" programme.

Now, every year I single out
the most qualified surgical resident

to accompany me
to Mexico for a weekend.

- Anyway, I've made my decision.
- Thank you, sir.

You haven't lived
until you've tasted El Todd's guac.

Dr Turk, pack your bag.

- Shove it, Turk!
- I'm gonna shove it,

and love it,
and dance around above it.

Hey, shove it, and love it

And dance around above it
Come on.

You see,
that's what's really bothering me.

What? Turk and Bonnie?
They hate each other.

Then why's he doing his
"You're getting a piece of this" dance?

He's not. That's his
"ln your face" dance.

Or it's his
"There's a sale on lotion" dance.

I don't know.
He's got so many dances.

Please, they might as well
be naked. Slut.

Carla. Trust me, there's no way
that he's cheating on you.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Wait, that's it?
You were just freaking out.

Hey, you wanted in.

Crazy.

- Barbie.
- Yessie?

- How'd it go with Mrs Tillman?
- It was awesome.

It's not possessed.

- It's for sitting.
- Excuse me?

For God's sake, you must park it.

Of course,
what we generally do now is eat. Eat.

I can't. I'm too nervous.

Christopher.

Sorry, sir. I just can't believe
Kelso chose me.

Yeah, me neither.

- I told him to take Bonnie.
- So, then, why'd he pick me?

Among all the surgery residents, what's
the difference between you, Bonnie,

Todd, Steve, Erik, and Vijay?

- First of all, she's a...
- There it is.

- Wait. Because she...
- Yep.

- She?
- Exactly.

It's because she's a woman. Damn!

Fork. Me can't eat soup!

Look, I don't think you're stupid, OK?

Your job requires a lot of know-how.

It's not like you're ladling out
sloppy joes or something.

You know, my uncle
was a "joer." Yeah.

Troy, let me fill you in on this guy.

JD.

Oh, thank God.

A lot happens in the cafeteria.

Whether you've accidentally
just stolen your lunch,

or you've finally gotten
someone to notice you.

Or you've connected with a friend
on a level you didn't know you could.

The cafeteria is just a happy place.

What's wrong with him?

I'm only going to Mexico
cos Bonnie's not a guy.

I'm sorry, baby.

I can't believe you think
I got a thing for her.

Oh, no.

Who told you that?

JD told you that?

When did you guys learn sign language?

Night classes?
Wait, when did I learn sign language?

JD said you're a big old can of crazy.

A little can. A very tiny, small can.

No, you said "big can".

Mr Hogan, I've come up
with a little mantra for you.

- Hit me.
- "lf meat is your treat,

your oesophageal varices
will bleed into your intestines,

leading to a horrible, horrible death."

- Catchy.
- Say it over and over again.

Horrible, horrible death.

OK, you can fix this.

Carla, look,
I messed up and I'm so sorry.

Bambi, we're good, OK? We're pals.

Oh, thank you.

You think it's funny
to switch people's shifts?

Bye, pal.

I missed my baby's first steps.

I'm so sorry.
Does this mean you're married?

- Can I bother you for a second?
- Based on history, I'd say yes.

I know Dr Wen recommended Bonnie.

I chose you over that nice young lady
because we're going to be moving around.

I can't be pulling over
every two minutes

for pee-pee stops and nylons
that come in plastic eggs.

Dr Kelso, don't you think
that's a little sexist?

I don't know, sport.

Is it sexist
to hold the door for a woman?

Is it sexist to keep the pretty nurses
and unload a few uggos?

The rules have changed so much,
I just can't keep up.

Tell you what, let's stop jiggling
each other's marbles.

You decide who should go.
That way, when you choose yourself,

I won't have to deal
with all this horrible guilt.

- Dr Cox!
- Jeez, Edith.

Hi.

This chair won't pull out.

Maybe that's because
my ankles are wrapped around it.

Look, I actually need some "me time."

- Yeah.
- OK.

I just wanted to say if you had
any other bad-news situations,

I would gladly handle them for you.

- Really?
- Gladly.

Well, welcome aboard.

Why would you get turkey
when there's egg salad?

Dude, there's no egg salad today.

You missed a spot.

- So we're even, right?
- Even?

I told a nurse you switched her shift.

You babbled all my crazy to the person

I plan on spending
the rest of my life with.

I could spend the rest of my
life with Lauren, or her tushie.

I just want to wash it. Is that weird?

- You think this is funny?
- Come on.

I told you how hard it is for me
to let my guard down.

And that quick you burn me.

- Never again.
- Well, don't walk away.

Carla, come on.

Bonnie, I found out that Dr Wen
actually recommended you

for that trip to Mexico.

I'm sure you know how hard it is
for me to admit that to you,

so I was hoping that we can use this
as an opportunity

to repair our relationship.

What do you say?

Oh, my God. OK, fine.
Look, you go to Mexico, OK?

And by the way, dolor en el asno
means "pain in the ass."

I thought it would help you
when you introduce yourself.

I don't want your charity.

You go, and every second
you're down there,

I want you to think
about how I kick your ass

up and down these halls all day long.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yeah.

There you go, prom queen.

There is some really tragic stuff
in there,

so, you know, go nuts.

All of these are your patients?

No. But when word got out
about your little offer,

a bunch of other docs wanted in.

Oh, great. More for me.

I'm afraid you have hepatitis.

Meningitis.

Esophogeo-gastro-duodeno-colitis.

Yes, it's like being blind in one eye...

except you'll be blind in both.

I'm really sorry.

There's nothing more
that we can do.

Hello! We can hear you! Hello!

- Why won't it stop ringing?
- Hello!

- For the love of God, hello!
- All right, look.

OK, I never meant to insinuate
you guys were stupid, all right?

Everyone knows
you're a hundred times smarter

than the jackasses
that run this place.

- Is that so, sport?
- No, sir. It's not so.

Would you just go ahead
and answer it already? Hello?

Hello?

Hey, take that, smart guy.

Troy, that's not how we do it.

- Mr Hogan, what the hell?
- What would you do

if your five-year-old begged you
to have a bite of his dinner?

- You had two dozen ribs.
- I know.

- I don't even have a kid.
- That's it. I've had enough.

- This is ridiculous.
- Will you lay off Mr Hogan?

So he made a mistake.
People make mistakes.

It wouldn't hurt you to cut 'em
some slack once in a while.

- Thanks, man.
- This isn't about you.

Don't eat meat. Carla.

Every time you screwed up with me,
I've let you off the hook.

When have I ever screwed up with you?

OK, never, but we both know
that if you ever did,

I would give you a break.

Now, let's see how you like it
when I walk away from you.

Actually, I need to go this way.

Right the first time.

- Awesome.
- You're gonna love this one.

25-year-old woman, dancer, actually.
Well, not anymore.

We had to take both of her legs.
Bilateral gangrene.

And seeing as her husband
recently passed away,

and her insurance at the dancers' union

probably is not going to cover it,
you should tell her

she won't be able to stay
here with us for her rehab.

What room is she in?

There is no room.
In fact, in the history of medicine,

there's never actually been
a patient that depressing.

I made her up!
Come on, now, Barbie.

Keep going down this road,
you're gonna go up to the roof

and jump the hell off.

Mind you, it's only five stories high,

so you'll just wind up back down here,
where I will treat you.

Then I'll be forced
to jump off the roof,

which, as I was suggesting to you,
is only five stories high.

And are you starting to see
a pattern forming here?

I just wanted to be colleagues.

Barbie, as long as you stay
and work at this hospital,

I'm always gonna be your superior.

That's just the way it goes.

Don't get me wrong,
you can keep trying to connect with me.

I mean, hell,
you're so damn entertaining,

you just might make some headway.

But still, you might be better served,

and this is a crazy notion,
if you could stop worrying so much

about who does
and doesn't notice you.

Even for a second.

That'd be good.

That'd be real good.

I think every day
is made up of tiny little tests.

Some are tests of character.

Some are tests of fortitude.

Others are tests of friendship.

- I spoke to my brother today.
- Really?

He's having some problems.

And if you're lucky,
when it really matters,

you'll pass with flying colours.

Hola, K-Dog.

Yeah! Full bar!

Take us to Mexico!