Screw (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

PHONE RINGS
You know the Kray twins?

Who would you back in
a fight, Gaz, Reggie or Ronnie?

Ooh. Fists or weapons?

Fists.

Is Ronnie on or off his meds?

Oh, erm, he's on.

HE FARTS

God, has someone died?

No, but it's early.
You the new sprog?

The what? Told you, didn't I?

Hello, love. It's Miss Gill, right?



Yeah. Told him what?

Why would you want to be
a prison officer?

Cos I'm really good at
shutting up dickheads.

Jackie Stokes. That's Gary,
Ali, and Don. Welcome to Hell.

All right?

Fantastic. Here, this means we can
unlock, now, Jax, right?

Yeah, hopefully, yeah.

We haven't had enough staff to let
the lads out the last few days.

Right, but I were told to come in
early

to get an induction from
the Supervising Officer?

It won't go under, Michael.
It will, Miss.

Well, it might have if you hadn't
stuck the pages together.

That weren't me. It's rented.

If you could just give it
a nudge... It's contraband.



Oh, haven't you got more important
things to do, Miss Henry?

I'd have to go Ron. He was
heavier.

Yeah, but Reg was cleverer.

Yeah, but Ron was madder,
even when he was medicated,

and neither of them
were that bastard bright

or they wouldn't have died in
prison.

Nothing that can't wait.

We gonna get out today, Miss?

I hope so.
Can you pass us some tissue?

I'm not touching it without gloves.
Hey. You sound like my wife.

What have we got here?
Here. Look lively.

Right, quick, sprog, pick a
number between one and 20.

Why? Quick. 10? Morning, Boss.

OK? Yeah, that chap we're
having overnight... Dolby?

Yeah, he's gonna be late,
van got lost.

Oh, erm...

I'm Rose. Gill. New probationer.

Are you chewing gum? No.

Which could be used to make
a key or block a lock?

I mean, I know training's short...
Yeah, look, honest I was...

Men have been behind their doors
for two days, we need to unlock.

I know, but... Did leave your phone
in your locker, didn't you?

Yeah.

Right. Come on, Swiss.
Feeding time at the zoo.

OFFICE PHONE RINGS

Unlock Ones and Twos.
We'll get to all of you,

so there's no need for banging.
Cue banging.

PRISONERS START BANGING

Does get a bit lively when they
haven't been out for a while.

It's OK to be scared, yeah?
I'm not scared.

Sprog. Yeah, always know where
the alarms are.

So start off there, OK?

Sorry, Miss.

PRISONERS SHOUT

Morning.

All right, lads,
there's no need to run.

Morning, Michael.

Put some trousers on!

Yeah. All right, all right.

You, you, then you.

Miss Henry?

Governor Cahill?

Oh, I won't. You've got a transfer
arriving on an overnight stay?

Van's late, but yes.
Dolby, we're babysitting.

Well, let's make sure he's
looked after, please.

Any enemies that we know of?

Oh, I know, there's a smell.
Call the Works Department.

Yeah, I have, but...
Yeah, will do.

Oh, and Mr Ray will visit later.

Mr...?

Simon Ray. New Governor Grade
overseeing staffing,

including the Custodial
Manager post,

so he's keen to see how
C Wing is running.

You'll like him, Leigh.

And he needs to like you.

Hard man! You talking to me?

Aye, always talking shit to anybody.
I'll chop you in half there.

Oi! You two! Pack it in!

Hey, hey! We only just got out, man.

We only just got out. Give it a
rest!

We only just got out, man.

Was that the Number 1?

We need to run the model wing
today, Jax.

All right.

Miss Stokes? Just give us a minute,
love, all right?

PRISONER WOLF-WHISTLES

LAUGHTER

HE YELLS

KLAXON BLARES

What the fuck is that, Yogi?

Oh, has it always been that shape?

Hey, hey! Calm down. Do not resist.

Everyone, back in your cells.

Lock down the ones and twos.

Look at her.

I mean I'm all for equality - well,
actually, that's bollocks, I'm not -

what's she gonna do when it
kicks off?

Like, they're putting us all at
risk

for the sake of political
correctness.

This used to be a man's job
for a reason.

You used to have to go to
the gym every day for a reason.

What number did you pick, Sprog?
Erm, ten, but I don't know why.

You had 18. What was Swiss?

Six. Jax had 19...
What were it for? And why "Swiss"?

It's a bet, you know, how many
minutes before it all kicked off.

Before the alarm, actually.
Anyone back 'em to make it past 20?

Me. Easy to be cynical.
Oh, I didn't know what...

Prisons aren't full of bad people,

they're full of people who've done
bad things.

Keep Yogi behind his door for now.
Any idea what it was over, Boss?

They both do Thursday Home Ec.

Yogi says he saw Minto taking
the piss

out of his lemon drizzle cake
through the window during bang-up.

One landing at a time, yeah?

We're unlocking again?

You got something better to do?

No, but when do I get my induction?
What do you wanna know?

Well, I don't know
what I don't know, so...

It's Cat B prison, four main wings
holding a thousand adult males.

C Wing takes prisoners

doing anything from a three weeks
to five years,

plus those nobody else wants. OK?

I could have got all that on
the internet.

Exactly, you'll be able to get the
whole qualification there soon.

Could you re-read PSO 1600
while you're online?

Once you've drawn your baton,
you've already lost.

Do you know what? I'm thinking of
getting me a bit of a heroin habit.

You know, shift a few pounds for
the beach?

I've been in the job 20 years,

what does Governor Ray
think he'll see

that isn't in my record? Your tits?

Look, all you can do is show him

you're the best masochist
for the job,

which you know you are.

So did you end up, er,
stopping over again last night?

Well, by the time I'd written up
the ACCTS...

Yeah, no, I get it. But, you know,
if they ever catch you...

Who's gonna catch me? I'm in charge,
for now.

You know what'll happen if I don't
get Custodial Manager, Jax. I'm out.

They can get two gum-chewing robots
for one pain-in-the-arse like me.

Look, fuck that. Right?

We make today as dull as my sex life
and then tonight,

you and me finally have that drink
to celebrate, eh?

Thank you.

Good morning, Mr Dolby
and Mr Bilal.

I'm SO Henry
and this is Miss Stokes.

Everyone on C Wing starts with
a clean slate.

I don't care what you did out there,

only what you do in here.
You behave and you'll be fine.

Fuck about, and we'll be all over
you like scabies.

So, my advice... Keep it.

Fine.

So I'm not talking about
the prison years,

I'm talking about when they actually
ran the East End and that.

Are you left-handed?
Are you trying to put me off?

No, cos, erm, left-handers die
about three years earlier

than right-handers, you know.
That's a true fact.

So how long have
you got left now, then?

What, in hours or in minutes?

Hey, do you know what I've missed
the most?

Shot!

What's up?

Are you OK?

Do I know you, Miss? No.

What's your first name?

You're thinking of someone else...
Where are you from?

She said you're wrong,
fella, so jog on.

Never tell 'em anything
about yourself.

Especially not this parasite.

Mr Campbell. Miss...?

You already know her name, Google.

Cloudy today, Miss Gill. 60% chance
of rain after tea.

Prick's obsessed with
the weather, never goes outside.

You got a boyfriend? Mr Campbell?

Boss wants you, Sprog.

This is Miss... Gill.

Miss Gill, she'll be your
Key Worker.

I haven't had Key Worker training.
Well, you learn by doing.

Right, but I'm actually supposed
to be shadowing someone.

OK.

Come on.

Will I get a single, Miss?

I can't share, cos I'm
claustrophobic. You're in prison.

Fucking nightmare, innit, Miss?

Mr Shah, no kick-offs or fuck-ups
today, OK? OK, boss. OK? OK.

"Yes. Yes, boss."

We've got a visitor coming
and he might want a tour,

so get all the cleaners at it,
extra wombles out here.

Oh, and I don't want to see any
zombies off their heads on spice.

What, ever? No, not...

Well, yes, preferably,
but especially not today.

Who's coming?

Works Department.
"Persistent foul odour."

That'll be the Albanians.
Perfect timing. Follow me.

What are you after?
Looking for a single.

Oh, could be your lucky day.

Don't tell me - the ring is
to stop women bothering you.

What about 82 on the threes?

No. I can sense you're about to ask
why

and if you start asking that,
you're fucked.

Miss Henry says 82 is out of action,
so...

What, we can't question her?

Well, if you want,
but only cons get answers.

Now, you could try it on with her.

We used to think she was a bit of a
crack-snacker.

Now we reckon she's
a nun or something,

living in the community.

She don't talk about anything else
but work.

Who's the cell for?

New remand is claustrophobic.

Is he fuck. He's after a single.

Listen, Sprog. You've got
the whole wing sizing you up,

trying to work out whether
you're gonna be a hard bitch

or a soft touch
and whether they can turn you.

How do you think most of the drugs,
tech, takeaways get in here?

Is it... chucked over the wall?
Officers.

And you'd best decide which sort
you're gonna be,

because if you give this lot an
inch, they won't just take a mile,

they'll take you halfway round
the fucking world

and you'll be finished
before you've even started.

Can I have a word, Boss? Do I look
like a mental health nurse?

Trust no one.

Including you? Better.

Stick him in with one of
the benefit frau...

Sorry, sorry, asylum seekers.

And remember, they put themselves
behind these doors.

Miss?

I fucked up my menu sheet, Miss.
I meant to order chicken

but I ticked vegetarian by accident.

I won't eat it, and canteen's not
until Friday.

Will you have a word
with the kitchen for me, please?

Name's Caplan. Erm, no. Sorry.

Mr Bilal, come with me please.

You have got to dress properly on
the landing.

Go back to your cell and change.

Who's the new man?

That depends.
Have you got any coffee?

You can have whatever's left.

Familiar, is he?
Was you in the army?

Name's Dolby.

He's here from a C Cat on
a lie-down for his mum's funeral.

Can't cope on the out, can they,

no one telling 'em when to have
a shit or get a haircut.

Most of 'em say they felt safer
in Iraq than they do in here.

We've got shit. Well, keep looking.

Miss Henry, can I talk to you?
No, we've got shit.

It's not human or rodent,
beyond that.

Well, I should report this.
Have you been cleaning properly?

Why did he say "told you"
when I came in the office?

Oh. Yeah, cos he said

the new probationer would be a
girl... woman, you know

and you make it 50-50
if you stay... If I stay?

Yeah, cos half of all new recruits
leave in the first two years.

That's a true fact.

Most do this for their CV,

then apply for the police for better
pay.

Erm, why are you doing it?

Just making my way through
the Shit Jobs List -

call centre, phone shop,
estate agents.

Every single one of them's
got a cock like him.

Gaz is all right. You know,
he's got your back.

I bet he's the sort of bloke

that wears the collar up
on his polos, in't he?

He is, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I do that.

Is that your real watch? Yeah.

Yeah, you need to get yourself
a proper one, you know,

cos prison's like Vegas, you know,
there's no clocks.

Right.

Is that why the SO hates me,
because she thinks I won't stay?

Could be anything, to be honest.

I mean, no one really knows
Miss Henry, you know.

People say that she prefers
the prisoners to us

but to be fair, you know, a lot of
these guys are all right,

although I'm into true crime
and that, so...

Is that why you're here?

Plus there's hardly any training,

you don't need qualifications and...
exciting, innit?

MUFFLED TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT

Does anyone understand that?
Yeah, it's time for roll-count.

Right. Skanky minger.

What did you say?

Skanky minger.

Right, you can be my first nicking.
How do I nick him?

You don't. He's new in,
probably don't speak English.

They'll have just told him what
to say and lied about what it means.

Just don't let them see that you're
rattled. I'm not fucking rattled.

Go on, then.

Here, someone's burgled my
toilet seat.

Oh, fella. How are you burning that
without a lighter?

Hey, I'm the victim here.
Registered disabled.

Right, come on, let's go. Boss?
Listen, I'm coming back, OK?

Yeah, but boss, I need... Deep
breath. That's it, hold on there.

Miss Gill? Can I have a word,
please?

MAN WHEEZES

All right, love. Doing well. Better?
That's it. All right.

He's claustrophobic. Did you check
his Cell Sharing Risk Assessment?

You trust them till they give you
cause not to, all right?

Now, find him a single
before I fucking report you. Go.

Pest Control, yes.

Well, no, I need someone now.
I'll wait.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Google's loo seat got jacked.
Is works still about?

C Wing, yes. It is urgent.

Did you say loo seat?

I know.
Why would anyone nick a loo seat?

Spin the wing. What?

Spin them. Now.

No-one steals a toilet seat,

unless they need to make a weapon
fast. Someone is desperate.

Yeah, you, to get this job
so you can stay here.

Let's just focus on finding
the thing, all right,

so this Ray bloke don't turn up
to a stabbing,

we can go back to mothering
the fuckers tomorrow.

No posters on the outside walls.

Why do the shit jobs pay
the shittest

and the best jobs
pay the best, Swiss?

Turn around, please.
Top half back on, bottom half off.

Oh, come on, Boss.

You are allowed one kettle.

What am I meant to cook in?
The same one I make coffee with?

Boss? I'm sorry, your call is
important to us

but all of our operators are busy
dealing with other customers.

Oh, yes!

Miss Gill, come on.

What are you doing?

All right, on your feet, Caplan.
Come on, you know the drill.

Fantastic.

You never finished saying what
you've missed most. Carpets.

It's the ones that you don't find
that you need to worry about.

This is fuck-all like Vegas.

Really, Childs? Miss Henry...
Boss.

We found an empty cell
on the search. Where?

67 on the Twos, but the board said
it's empty for painting.

Yeah. Wing painter's job never got
filled, we ran out of paint.

If I give it a clean,
can I put Bilal in there?

We've got a zombie. Caplan,
again, completely fraggled.

Isn't he already in debt?

Word is, he had extra portions
of chicken to sell for spice.

They sell their food?
Yeah. Fish is the money

but everything's worth something.

Except those little brown biscuits,
bourbons, no one likes them.

Where'd he get extra chicken from?
Today of all days.

It were me.

I didn't believe Bilal
and I were wrong,

so I trusted Caplan and I called the
kitchen. Look, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry. It's just, there's
so much to take in

and it never ends and it's the
longest I've been away from my phone

since I was, like, ten.

Sort Bilal, now.

Put him in that single.
And stay out of my sight.

What do you want done with Caplan?

And Childs.

Hide him.

Where? Anywhere, just keep him out
of the way till bang-up.

I'll handle Childs. Roll-count.

Fucking hell.

One month left on a three-stretch,
you've never been any trouble,

so I have to ask myself,
what could make Steven Childs

need a weapon in such a hurry
that he'd do this?

All I can come up with is,

I can't be the only one who knows
about Dolby.

You're from Hull.
Dolby taught swimming in Hull.

His name's not fucking Dolby.

It's Coleman.

I haven't seen him since I was 11.

I knew him straight away,

smelt him.

He can change his name
and he can run off to the army

but he can't change what he is,
or what he did.

Did you know?

That his past had
caught up with him?

Did they give him a new name?

Only a tiny number
of offenders get new identities.

You know, I'm in here because
of what he did

as much as he is.

Fucking swimming.

Shall I, shall I tell you what he
really taught me

about power and trust? If you like.

Have you ever talked about what
happened to you?

I don't need to talk.

I'm not going to punish you,
you're so close to release, but...

But I weren't gonna hurt him.

You need to stay behind your door
until he leaves us.

No, I know, I know what I need.

I need five minutes on my own with
him.

Well, no, I was only gonna use that
to threaten him.

I swear to you. I swear to you!
Please, Miss Henry.

All right. If you'd asked me any
other day, then maybe.

But I can't, Steven. I just can't.

Yeah, but you can trust me.

No. It's not personal,
I just can't today.

Oh!
SHE COUGHS

Oh, jeez.

Oh, my God!

What? You OK? Look in there.

Ugh!

What the fuck?

I hate toads.

It's not a toad.
It's an African bullfrog.

Little fucker stinks. This whole
cell's gonna need fumigating.

Where am I going to put Bilal?
You all right, mate?

Go on.

PRISONERS CHAT

The only thing he could use
to keep afloat

was the biggest package,

so he's had to hang on to
a shit-ton of brown

till the feds came and rescued him!

Hey. You ever drink in The Crown?

You don't fucking know me, OK?

Are you coming in or going out?
Pick one and fucking move.

All right, come.

Go! Miss Gill.

We talk to the men on this wing
with respect.

Why, because we're outnumbered?

Because they've already been judged,
that's not your job. What is?

You've given me no help.
Mr Ray?

Anywhere more private?

HE SHOUTS

I was eight when you started here.

Oh. I've probably spent more
of my life in prison...

..er, than outside.

You're in a somewhat
tricky position, aren't you,

given the vacant CM role effectively
makes your current one redundant.

So if you don't get the job...

Has a decision been made?

Well, that's why I'm here.
Oh, no, not to deliver it.

Sorry - today I simply wanted
to put a face to the name,

given that the job appears
to be yours to lose.

You seem to be running
a pretty tight ship.

One thing.

On your application to join
the service,

in the background section
you've listed Father as Unknown

and Mother, Ruth Henry, Deceased.

But... I can't find
a birth certificate.

Oh, maybe it got lost?

I'll need a replacement copy

in order to confirm your
appointment,

vetting requirements etc.

Of course, yeah.

Good. Soon as you like.

I'm not entirely sure where...

Between us, there are those who'd
prefer

the more experienced staff to make
way now for a new generation.

Oh, what's needed are new ideas,
not new people...

As Custodial Manager, I'll finally
be able to make some changes,

rather than just make it through
the day.

Let's hope it works out.

Great to meet you, Leigh.

Miss.

I can't open me locker, Miss.
They ain't give me no key.

Charlie wasn't even in the Firm.
It's out of Reg and Ron.

Where's Miss Gill?

Er, I only just got back from
praying about a minute ago.

Just give me a second, all right?

Miss Gill. Have you seen her? No.

What's up?

Look, forget about
Rose bloody Gill.

Tell me about Governor Ray.
Right, what exactly did he say?

He's not made a decision yet.
Apparently, the job's mine to lose.

OK, that's good. "Yours to lose",
I mean, that's fucking good, right?

Now, if this ain't cause

to finally get you out on the lady
petrol, I don't know what is.

I can't now, I need to go home.
Right, let's do that.

I've only waited seven years for
an invite round your gaff, so...

No, the kitchen still isn't
finished and...

Oh, will you fucking cheer up?

Look, all this Ray has done is let
you know he's watching,

so all we have to do is run the wing
exactly like we have today.

I'm not doing this job for him.

I forgot that today.

DOOR OPENS

Follow me.

Where to?

Shower. I don't need a shower.
Yes, you do.

What are you looking at?

You used to watch us in
the shower, Mr Coleman.

You're trying to remember me.
But you don't, do you?

The Chief Screw's out there.

You, you said
that I was your favourite,

but you don't even...

How can you not remember,
when to me, you...

What do you want?

I didn't tell anyone.

Not even my dad.

Then when I where 18,
I made myself tell him.

He wouldn't believe me.

He's never looked at me
the same way again.

I said, what do you want?

For you to admit that it happened.

Of course I remember you, Steven.

Out you come now, please.

So, what did he want from you?

Just wanted to know
if I remembered him.

And?

Said I did, though.

And a deal's a deal, right?

So when do I get my biscuits?
Later.

Need some assistance down here now!

And I don't want fucking Bourbons!

Clear the landings.
Behind your doors!

Ignore them, OK, keep looking at me.
Keep looking at me.

Are you OK? Yeah, we're fine, we're
all fine, aren't we?

I'm not fucking fine. Shut up.
What is it? What's up, mate?

It's too late. You're too late.
What do you mean?

I asked you all. Every one of yous.
Asked us what?

Yeah. Now you listen.
Now it's too late.

I'm sorry if you haven't been
listened to, but we're here now. No!

You didn't ask me.

You didn't ask me.

Just give us a chance, eh?

It's too late. It's not.
You're one of them.

I'm not. Right?

I'm just another body,
like you, another problem.

I'll fuck up or fuck off any minute
now

and then another problem will turn
up,

so I'm not worth bothering with.

Look, just give us a chance.

That's only fair, in't it?

They took apple crumble off
the menu.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

It was on the sheet yesterday,
but they took it off.

No reason. Why?

I don't know, but I'll find out.

I will. I promise.
I promise I will find out.

But I need you to put that down.

Oh, here he is. Swiss.

Nowhere to be seen
when the fighting starts.

You told Tanush you're like him.

You know, once you put that
uniform on, you are one of us.

Got to remember that, right?

However well you get on with the
men,

always remember they hate you. Yeah?
Yeah.

You did well in there, though.
Didn't she?

Move Bilal out of Cell 82.
It's dangerous, there's no electric.

Made a new friend, have we?

Reminds me of that last time
I tried online dating.

And when you've found out from
the kitchen

why they took apple crumble off the
menu, go to Seg and tell Tanush.

What, now? Do you usually keep
your promises? Yeah. Then yeah.

Got a friend, have you?

See, the little things are only
little

if you can still do something about
the big fuckers

and this lot can't, so...
So unless you know you can deliver,

it's best not to promise.
Better to say, "I'll look into it."

Or just no. Yeah, because a no can
become a yes,

but go the other way and you are
fucked.

Bilal can clean out this one's cell
and move in there.

Have you got a little friend?

Now, please.

Ribbit!

Not all frogs say that, you know.
No? No.

Oh. Well, what do they say?
"You really need a girlfriend"?

No, but they need to blink in order
to swallow.

Yeah, that's a true fact.

Yeah, I went out with
a bloke who done that.

Or is it toads?
He was a bit of a fucking toad...

Yes, Mr Carpenter,
I've made a friend. Fantastic.

Yeah. Bye. See you tomorrow.

Go on, then.

You don't want to go?

You don't want to go.

But why's it got to stay here?

Because it's home.
It didn't want to go.

If that's a bullfrog,
erm, it's non-native,

so you shouldn't be releasing
it anyway.

There you go then.

You work some mad hours.

Admin to do. I'm not drawing keys.

PRISONER: Anyone seen my toad?

You in or what?

Yeah, I'm in.

Right, then, game on.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media