Screen Two (1985–2002): Season 3, Episode 5 - East of Ipswich - full transcript
Seventeen-year-old Richard and his parents take their annual seaside holiday in a guesthouse on England's east coast in the 1950s. Julia, a teenage girl holidaying with her parents in a nearby guesthouse, catches Richard's eye, but her Dutch friend Anna is intent on causing trouble.
Hamlet! You're a naughty boy!
You're not to sniff things like that.
WOMAN: Betty! There'll be two in One,
and one in Two.
I said there'll be two in One,
and one in Two!
And there's no need to change the sheets
in Two, the boy will be in there.
- What are we going to do?
- What do you mean?
I mean,
what IS there east of Ipswich?
Only some of the most unspoilt and
beautiful coastal scenery in the country.
I want to go somewhere spoilt.
We always go to Torquay.
MRS BURRILL: We all need a change,
and we've chosen Suffolk.
And Suffolk it shall be.
What about the crazy golf,
and Mrs Sheperds,
and Louise at the tea bar,
who always gave us double helpings?
You just go on holidays
for the waitresses.
MAN: I expect you know why
I've called you here, Burrill.
BURRILL: Yes, sir.
You'll be leaving us very shortly.
Before boys go out into the difficult
and dangerous world of senior schools,
I give them what is called a sex talk.
I expect you've already heard
boys talking about sex, have you?
- Having babies, sir?
- Yes.
Reproduction... Good. Good.
Yes. I sort of know a bit.
We've got a dog.
Good... Good.
Well, what happens, quite simply in the
act of sexual intercourse, as it is known,
is that the male dog's penis
becomes erect and enters...
the female dog's vagina...
BOY: It's a bit like puffing
your prong in the school jelly.
What? That mushy sort of jelly
we had today?
No! The firm sort of jelly
that Mrs Noble makes.
- And she just let you do it?
- Of course!
I paid her enough, I could do anything.
- Anything?! Oh, Christ!
- What else did you do?
- Shut up, Parson. You're such a lecher!
- Go on, tell us!
- I can't. The new tick's awake.
- Of course he's not.
All right. I'll tell you...
WOMAN: Richard, take me...
No... Hold me, hold me...
I'm not a piece of old haddock!
Guide me... Hold me...
And left...and right...
That's it!
Remember, you're the man.
You're in control.
So hold me close...
and hold me tight...
Turn me round...
He's been in there an awful long time.
He's mending the towel dispenser.
It's not his job to mend it!
You know what he's like about challenges.
I wouldn't call mending
a towel dispenser a challenge.
Don't go on at me about it! I didn't
want to come here in the first place.
We know that, dear! You've been saying
nothing else for the past three months!
We're here and we're going to enjoy it!
If you go on being such a retched misery,
you'll be on the first train home!
- Good!
- Don't be so silly!
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)
- Better?
- Yes.
It's one of those rotating pin devices -
standard flange and sprocket shift.
Couple of cogs loose, that's all.
Have you got the map?
Yes... It's another 25...26...
About 28 miles.
We'll go the back way, I think.
Thornham Parva, Wilby,
right fork at Ubbeston,
left again at Peasenhall.
Is that wise?
Of course it's wise! There's no point
in hurrying through Suffolk.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(HORN TOOTS)
(PARP! PARP!)
All right! All right!
- Didn't you see him?
- Of course I saw him!
Come on. Come on.
Don't drive so close, Harold.
Not out of vengeance.
It has nothing to do with vengeance.
That man's got God knows how many
cylinders under his bonnet,
and he's going at a steady 28.
MRS BURRILL: Don't make him
do anything stupid.
Honestly. The people
who can afford Rovers these days.
MRS BURRILL: It's left, isn't it?
No, that's Norwich and Yarmouth.
Miles away.
We're early again.
- And you WILL move the car, Mr Burrill?
- Yes, of course, Miss Wilbraham.
Richard, take these.
This road gets very crowded
during the week.
Of course.
Dinner is at 7.15, except for Mondays,
when there is a high tea at 6.30.
If you'd like a drink before dinner,
there's sherry, but I don't encourage it.
Ah.
- Is there any chance of a cup of tea?
- Tea was at 4.45.
Well, they'll have to go
without their soup.
Lucky things.
- (WHISPERING) Richard! It's very nice.
- It's perfectly adequate.
I always like cream of chicken.
It's mushroom.
Mushroom, chicken...
All the white soups.
- Have you finished, sir?
- No, not yet. I'm enjoying this.
Four's still finishing!
MISS WILBRAHAM: Oh...
MAN: No, I've just had a bit of the wall
of the greater intestine removed.
Oh, three or four weeks ago now.
Four months' wait for surgery in Coventry.
They found this fungal growth
which could have spread to the colon,
but they did a bit of scraping and
digging, had a good look around inside,
took a few samples,
tied up the loose ends...
No sugar for Norman.
You seem to have made a quick recovery.
Oh, I'm a fit man, always have been.
Are you a sporting man, Mr Burrill?
Oh, I...play a round of golf occasionally.
You haven't played for years!
NORMAN: That's what you think!
Hey? (LAUGHS)
Far too busy at the works, quite frankly.
Oh, what line are you in?
Light engineering. Management.
Very old established company.
Er, and you?
Sports outfitters.
I think I might just go up to my room
and finish unpacking.
- Stay and have some coffee.
- No, thanks. I don't feel like any.
- You're not ill, are you?
- No!
I'll come up and inspect
your den in a minute.
- Room to himself, eh?!
- Oh, Norman!
Lucky devil!
I always had to share with my brother.
He's a nice-looking boy.
Has he got a girlfriend?
- Yes, a very nice girl called Cresswell.
- No, he's rather shy...
Her father's Cresswell's Poultry,
you know.
(BREAKFAST BELL RINGS)
BOY: Can I fly the kite today?
MAN: We'll have to see what the weather's
like. If it's windy enough for it...
Ah. What are the, er...cereals?
Well, they're, um...sort of starters.
Yes, I know what they are.
I mean, what sort do you have?
There's Corn Flakes
and Rice Krispies and...
That's all, really.
- Do you have Grape Nuts?
- I'll ask for you, sir.
Thank you.
(WHISPERING) It's just that
the doctor recommends them.
Oh. I'll go and see for you, sir.
Where's the boy?
BOY: ...And Dexter's
not an opening bowler.
It's a waste of time
giving him the new ball!
Rubbish! Did you see his figures
at Worcester? 4 for 18 in five overs.
- Fluke.
- Oh, shut up.
- YOU shut up.
- You shut up!
Boys! Good job your mother's not here.
Who IS this Dexter, anyway?
Only the third-greatest
all-rounder in the country.
Is he? I don't know these new people.
Could be Martians, for all I know.
Great! Mars versus Australia - the
world's first interplanetary Test match!
Who wanted the Grape Nuts?
Ah. Mr Burrill. I can get them
for you by tomorrow.
Thank you.
- Do you want your own box?
- I really don't mind...
Probably be best.
I'll write your name on the side.
RADIO: ...General cloud with
occasional rain is expected to reach...
- Morning!
- Rain coming in from the west.
...though there'll be a good deal
of haze with some mist patches...
- Can't WE have a beach hut?
- Complete waste of money.
Well, this isn't bad here.
Bit near the steps.
Let's try nearer the pier.
(MOTORBIKE APPROACHES)
- What about over there?
- No. Too many dogs.
Handy for the steps.
- No beach hut, I notice.
- Mmm. Probably can't afford it.
MR BURRILL: I think it's a tanker.
An oil tanker.
- Go and talk to them.
- I can't just go and talk to them.
- Just go and say hello.
- They've probably got their own friends.
I haven't seen them with anybody.
Go on, go and ask them if you can join in.
I don't want to.
Well, I'll think I shall take a walk up
to the toilets. Anyone coming?
Go on, go with him.
Give yourself something to do.
- If we'd gone to Torquay...
- Look, that's enough!
We're going to enjoy ourselves.
- Is that what you call the beach?!
- Oh...
Well, there was plenty of sand here
last year.
Careful, you two! You're like
a couple of prize elephants!
- They are on holiday, dear.
- Yes, but not at Blackpool.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
- Need any help with the shopping?
- (BOTH GIGGLING)
I saw you! Come on, one each.
I can't. I'm waiting for my father.
- Well, where is he?
- In there.
- Is he all right?
- Yes, he's all right.
I just said I'd wait for him out here.
- You can't miss a chance like that.
- He'll wonder where I've gone.
- Tell him you're chasing girls.
- No! No!
All right, I will. What's his name?
I must say, the more I see
of Suffolk, the more I like it.
Are you coming for a quick browse
in the church?
I'll catch you up...
at the church. Bye.
- Do you like girls?
- Oh, yes. Yes.
Great, aren't they?
I've only recently got REALLY keen.
Up until then, it was cricket.
- Do you chase ALL girls?
- Every single one.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Hello.
- Staying here long?
- Until I find a nice one.
In Easton?!
- (BOTH GIGGLING)
- Could be.
- Parents here?
- Yes.
Ah...
- How do you do?
- Hello.
We were just wondering
whether your daughters would, um...
like to come and help us
build the beach pulpit?
We're involved with
the Bible Club, you see.
-Ah..I run it
- (GIRLS GIGGLING)
Good to have you on board.
We start this evening.
I can't think how you missed the church.
You never told me what street it was in.
Street?! It's the centrepiece
of the whole town!
Tower a hundred foot high.
It's the pride of the Suffolk coast.
Well, I couldn't see it.
I hope you're not going
to spend the entire holiday
avoiding any activity whatsoever.
Are you coming in or going out?
If you're out after nine o'clock,
you'll need a key.
- What usually happens, then?
- Mmm?
When you just follow someone like that.
You can't have much luck round here.
Ed-win!
What do you want, pest?
Dad said you'd help me with the kite.
It's quite big. Please!
There's nothing to it.
Tie one end firmly round your neck
and let the wind do the rest.
Please!
You may think that this place
is as dead as a doornail,
but let me tell you, you have come to
one of the hot spots of unholy pleasure.
For nine months of the year,
the average age of this place is 93.
Then in the summer, their children
come down, and they have grandchildren,
and their children are our age,
and they are dying for it.
OK, let's go!
That looks like a bulk carrier.
Probably bauxite for Sunderland.
I think I'll just go for a walk.
- Have a look in the church.
- No, thanks.
I just feel like an ice-cream,
or something.
- It'll soon be lunch.
- Bye.
We should have had another child.
N-0-0...
It's a tanker!
- Yes?
- A cone, please.
- Strawberry, vanilla, chocolate?
- Vanilla, please.
- Large or small?
- Small, please.
We're out of small,
and there's no vanilla.
One large chocolate, then, please.
- One and nine.
- I'm afraid I've only got one and six.
- Well, those are one and nine.
- Yes...
Oh, I've got threepence.
- There you are.
- Thanks very much.
Oh, that's all right.
They always say
they've run out of small ones here,
- but I've never seen anyone eating one.
- Yes?
Er, one large chocolate,
one large strawberry, please.
You're in for an expensive holiday.
Well, I'll pay you back
as soon as I get to the beach.
Oh, that's all right.
We're here for two weeks.
- So are we.
- Oh, where are you staying?
- A place called Tregarron.
- Oh! That's just near us.
Oh.
- It's where they had the food poisoning.
- What?
They found things in a rissole.
- What things?
- Sort of maggots, I think.
- Julia!
- Is that your sister?
She doesn't look like me, does she?
Oh, no... Well, not really.
- She's a pain in the neck.
- Oh?
She's Dutch. She's staying with us
in an exchange scheme.
Julia!
I'll, er... I'll pay you back.
There's no hurry.
I'm sure I'll see you again.
If I don't eat the rissoles at Tregarron!
Can I have mine
while there's still some left(?)
Oh, see what I mean?
I really love licking ice-cream
from the promenade(!)
- About time!
- I don't want any breakfast, anyway.
- You must have something.
- I'll have tea and toast.
- Tea on toast?!
- AND toast.
- Three packed lunches?
- MR BURRILL: That's us.
Why are we having packed lunches?!
I've given you cucumber sandwiches,
and the rest of the cucumber.
- MR BURRILL: Oh, thank you!
- No extra charge for that.
- Very kind.
- Why are we having packed lunches?!
- Did you want fruit?
- MRS BURRILL: Yes, that would be nice.
- Probably help you, wouldn't it?
- Well...
- I'll slip in some plums.
- Thank you.
That WILL be extra.
- Why are we having packed lunches?
- Because we're going for an outing.
We've only just got here.
We've been here three days.
- There's a lot to see.
- Like what?
Covehithe Church - beautiful ruin.
- Churches?!
- And why not?
- I want to stay here today.
- Oh, that's a good one(!)
After three days of solid moaning
about coming at all, now he wants to stay.
- You haven't had any breakfast.
-I don't want any.
Richard... Ten minutes.
Lovely boy.
Come on, Richard!
We all have to do things we don't want to.
- I want to stay here today.
- You're coming, and that's that!
I've just made some friends.
You're always telling me to make friends.
- Well, the right sort of friends.
- What do you mean by that?
I mean that we're fed up to the back teeth
with you moping about the place
being no use to anybody!
I don't mope about the place being...
What's come over you?!
Won't do this, won't do that.
Your mother and I have brought you up
to appreciate certain things.
One is going to church, and the other
is obedience to your elders and betters.
Now get in that car,
because we're going to see those bloody
churches whether you like it or not!
Harold!
(ENGINE STARTS)
(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS)
Fancy being told we couldn't
go in the crypt. In August!
- I'll bring these up in a minute.
- Where are you going?
- I'll bring them up, all right?!
- Where are you going?!
- Nowhere. I'm just going out.
- Supper'll be in five minutes.
You won't be leaving those there?
People pour through there in the evening!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
I'm Richard Burrill
I'm a friend of Julia's.
Yes?
Well, I wasn't here today, and...
I owe her some money.
- Oh, that's very nice. How much is that?
- Threepence.
- I would have brought it earlier, but...
- Well, I can take it, if you want.
Ah... Well, I don't have it on me.
I thought I could give it to her
later this evening.
Well, she's...she's busy, I'm afraid.
Try tomorrow, or the next day.
I think it was some fissure
in the wall of the spleen
that first showed up on the X-rays.
- No coffee?
- I'm going to bed early.
- What has got into him?
- WOMAN: Very sensible.
Not many his age are that sensible.
Not too sensible, I hope.
Hey, Rich! Just the man
I want to see! I need your help.
No, thanks. Not tonight.
What's the matter with you?! A day
at the churches and you're reformed?
I just want to go to bed early,
that's all
I've not been wasting
my time today, you know.
I've been working very hard
on your behalf.
Honestly, I can look after myself.
Brush your hair, I'll show you the world.
I don't like being organised.
Look, I promise you,
this one will be hanging out for you.
She will be slavering.
She will be driven wild with desire
at the very sight of your body.
MISS WILBRAHAM:
You've both got rooms, you know!
What the hell. I'll come.
- And I think that by allowing him this...
- Freedom.
...freedom, yes, he's much more inclined
to stay at home and read a book
- than he would be if we were to say...
- Never go out.
- Never go out.
- Mmm.
- (FOOTSTEPS)
- Richard!
- Hello!
- Hello.
Julia, this is Richard.
- He's a good friend of mine.
- We meet again!
What's this?
We buy our ice-creams
from the same place.
And this...is the lovely Hannah.
Anna.
- She's from Yorkshire.
- (SCOFFS)
Well, somewhere strange, anyway.
Haven't seen you around today.
No, I... I went out.
- Oh, I nearly forgot...
- Oh, look, I said don't bother, really.
Richard! Buying us some coffees!
What a decent chap. Four coffees, please.
I really can wait.
Like the jacket?
Um...sort of.
Sort of?! I'll have you know
I chose this specially for you
from my extensive holiday wardrobe.
It was either this or my
swimming trunks... Oh, I nearly forgot.
For you, Julia - only the best
from the tables of Tregarron.
- You were serious!
- But of course.
I told him I liked cucumber.
And Tregarron, as Richard has probably
found out, serves it up with everything.
If you want a cup of tea at two minutes
past five, or a hot bath after ten,
no chance.
But if you want cucumber at any time
of day or night, it is the place for you.
Well, we'll be off, then.
Mustn't miss the constitutional.
We'll wait till he gets back, if you like.
Oh, heavens, no!
- He'll be back any minute.
- Probably having the time of his life!
And nothing is thrown away.
It's all put in a big bin out the back
marked "chicken casserole”.
Well...we'd better be getting back.
Richard, could you stay and pay?
- Here's for me and Julia.
- I'll pay for myself.
- No, no. It's on me.
-I'll pay.
- Cucumber AND coffee!
- The perfect gentleman.
Come on.
Don't you think we should
all go back together?
Thanks, Richard. I'll do the same
for you sometime. See you later.
Ah, yes.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- What part of Holland are you from?
- Utrecht.
Ah, yes, Utrecht.
It's on the Rhine, isn't it?
270,000 people, university, railway
junction, chief major products are...
It's a dump.
It's like this place. Nothing's happened
in it for a hundred years.
(MOTORBIKE ENGINES REVVING)
Do you know those people?
Some of them. They hang
around the pier. They're good.
Good?! Well, I don't know them,
but they look like thugs to me.
That's why I like them.
- What?
- I like people no-one else does.
I shouldn't think
Julia's parents think much of that.
I don't give a damn
what Julia's parents think!
- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.
Oh, God! You really are like a...
like a bodyguard!
I'm only doing this so that...
So that your pal Edwin can hold hands
with Julia for five minutes!
- What a good friend(!)
- I'm only being polite!
I hate people being polite. I like people
who do what they want to do.
You should stop being polite
and do what you want to do!
All right. I want to go back to my hotel.
Well, go. I CAN look after myself.
- Maybe we should go together.
- Go on, off you go. Back to Mummy.
It's nearly ten o'clock!
(DOOR SHUTS)
(WHISPERING) Richard!
What time do you call this?
- It's not late.
- It is here.
Well, I'd better go to bed.
- How was the coffee bar?
- I haven't been to a coffee bar.
- The Hargreaves saw you in there.
- Oh, THAT coffee bar.
It's all right.
- Who was the girl?
- Someone I met.
- Known her long?
- I just met her at the coffee bar.
I heard she was all over you.
Oh, look...!
Just occasionally, Richard,
think of other people.
Think of me.
Think of your mother.
Think of Rosemary Cresswell.
Rosemary Cresswell?!
One dance last year!
Tomorrow night, you stay in.
(ROAR OF MOTORBIKES OUTSIDE)
MR HORROBIN: What time
does she think this is?
- Infernal girl!
- I thought she was with Richard.
It's abundantly clear to me
that none of you thought at all!
- Shall I come with you?
- Just stay where you are!
At least I'll know where one of you is.
(ENGINE STARTS)
What do you mean, it's MY fault?!
You were supposed to take Anna home.
You were supposed to keep an eye on her.
She didn't get back till two o'clock.
She didn't want to talk to me, and
I damn well didn't want to talk to her!
- You know what this means?
- What?
Julia's old man says I can't take
her out again unless I take Anna too.
- That's your problem.
- Look...
I really like Julia. I want to see
as much of her as I can.
- Wouldn't you do the same?
- Oh, God!
No.
No, this time it's true.
She's different.
She's not one of those
"off to the common, knickers down
behind a bush" type of girls.
She's much, much classier than that.
Look, I'm not asking you to understand.
ALI I'm asking is, as a friend,
just look after Anna for tonight
so that I can talk to Julia.
That's all I ask. Just tonight.
I'm not allowed to.
- Who by?
- Parents!
They were bad enough last night!
-You're 16...
-17.
17 years old. You're on holiday!
- They're strict about things like that.
- You know what this means.
Oh, yes! You can have the pleasure
of Anna's company all evening
without me being in the way!
(MR BURRILL HUMMING)
- Come on, Dad.
- All right, all right! Don't rush me.
Is there such a word as "ig"?
IQ?
I don't think so.
I'm sure there is.
I think it's the word from which
the diminutive "igloo" is derived.
An "ig”, I think you'll find,
Is a large Eskimo hall,
and igloos are smaller,
subsidiary dwellings.
There's no such word!
That's what you said about "ab".
Pass me that dictionary, will you, Mother?
(HE HUMS)
Ig...ig...ig...
Ig...
Hm, what a perfectly useless dictionary.
Ah, hang on...
Hang on...
Yes!
This is what I was thinking of!
Yes, this is the word I meant.
Igbo.
BOTH: Igbo?
It's a variation of "Ibo", the language
and tribe of south-eastern Nigeria.
That's one, two, three...
four, five, six, seven...
Double word score - 14...
And so...16, please, Richard.
Keep him on the wicket!
(LAUGHTER)
Right, Mr Burrill,
this is the one - one of my specials...
- Overarm.
- Oh!
- Richard, I want to talk to you.
-I can't. I'm fielding.
- They're leaving.
- Who?
- You be careful, Norman.
- Julia and Anna. The whole family.
- Oh!
- Oh, Norman, you've caught yourself!
- Leaving?
- That's right. Going home.
- Shall I have a look at it?
- You all right, old man?
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
First thing Saturday morning,
and until then, confined to barracks.
- What do you mean?
- MR BURRILL: Mustn't hog the batting.
- Your turn, Macklin.
- We lost Anna again last night.
Just cos I took my eye off her
for 30 seconds.
- And?
- She went off.
Went off where?
Same place she's been
every night this week.
- Where's that?
- The Common.
The Common?!
The mating ground
of the lesser-spotted Triumph rider.
- MR BURRILL: Richard!
- She rides motorbikes?
- Motorcyclists.
- Come on, Richard! You bowl!
Anna...actually...
Every night.
- Different people?
- Yes.
- I just can't believe it. She really...?
- Yes, she REALLY did.
- That's why they're going home.
- That's bloody unfair.
- Well, imagine how I feel!
- Richard. Come on!
I mean, normally, I couldn't give a toss.
But this was the one time, the ONE time,
I was really getting fond of someone.
Well, I can tell you, from now on,
you can forget true love.
I'm going strictly for sex.
Richard! Come on!
Oh!
# Waft, waft ye winds his story
# And you, ye waters roll
# Till like a sea of glory
# It spreads from pole to pole
# Till o'er our ransomed nature
# The Lamb for sinners slain
# Redeemer, King, Creator
# In bliss returns to reign
# A-A-Amen. #
Very glad to see
some new faces here today.
Tomorrow, of course, is our
Sausage Sizzle and Games Evening,
which is not to be missed.
Assemble at nine,
and bring your friends.
Now...may God bless us all...
...and show us the one true road
which leads away from the sea of sin...
...and on to the firm ground
of faith...and hope. Amen.
Ready?
Now.
- Coffee?
- Well...
- Yes, but we've got to clear up.
- That's all right.
- We'll help. Won't we?
- Well, yes, of course.
Are you going to help? Jolly good.
You take that end...
Didn't think the God Squad
would get those two.
Oh, I think it's nice.
Well, I think these two deserve
a little reward, don't you, girls?
No, no, no. It's nothing.
I think we should take them
to our favourite coffee bar, eh?
REV PHELPS: I love
these jolly little places, don't you?
I think next year
we must have a coffee club ourselves.
That's the trouble. We have
a whole heap of jolly good ideas,
but it's finding people
to come along and muck in.
Do either of you play the guitar?
No, I don't terribly well.
But I can tell a B from a G
and strum the odd thing.
Not rock'n'roll, I'm afraid.
But there's a vicar in Southgate
who holds skiff le evensong...
Good heavens! Is that the time?
I must be getting back.
We've got an Under-7s
Treasure Trail tomorrow morning
and I haven't got a clue, as they say.
No... No need for you two
to go yet, eh, girls?
- Oh, no!
- 20 minutes.
See you tomorrow at the Sizzle.
- That's his signal.
- When he says 20 minutes...
...that means we've got 20 minutes.
BOTH: 9.23.
- Where have they gone?
- A short cut. We know lots.
17 minutes... Thank you!
- Tomorrow at the Sausage Sizzle!
- And coffee afterwards!
- Well?
- Fantastic!
I've never had my mouth open
so long for so little.
- What did you expect?
- Well, a feel, at least.
- We didn't know them THAT well.
-So?
Do you think the demon Dutchwoman
knows all those blokes she knocks off?
Do you think...
they all had things?
- Contraceptives?
- Oh, yeah.
- Do you?
- Yeah. I've got hundreds.
What, with you?
Yeah. I always stock up for the holidays.
Where do you keep them?
- In the hotel.
- What, just in your room?
Well, I don't keep them
on the dining-room table, do I?
No, I just keep them in a drawer,
under the socks.
Under your socks? What happens
when your mother puts cleans ones in?
Shh!
(GIGGLES AND MOANS)
That's all I need.
I was better off with cricket.
(BRASS BAND STRIKES UP TUNE)
(FAINT SOUND OF BRASS BAND PLAYING)
Oh, sorry, sir.
That's all right, Betty.
I was just looking for something.
By the way, I found a magazine
of yours under your bed.
- Oh.
- I didn't think you'd want it left out,
so I put it in the drawer
with your socks.
Oh!
Still going for the early morning swim,
I see.
Oh, yes. Not allowed to miss that.
- It would kill me.
- Oh, it's not too bad.
Getting in's the worst.
She runs straight at it. I take ages!
Did you enjoy last night?
- At the coffee bar.
- Oh, that.
Who were the girls?
Just a couple we met.
Not my type - really.
What's your type?
Well, someone with a bit more...
Well, not twins, anyway.
What's yours?
Oh...I don't know.
ANNA: Hey! Come back in!
You're boring!
Come back in!
- We're going tomorrow.
- Yes.
I sort of ...
Well, I heard.
Oh, what a mess.
Well, I tell you, next year,
I'm not coming here
as a nursemaid or as a bodyguard.
Come on!
Richard! Richard.
This is our boy, Richard.
- Oh, yes, I think we met before, briefly.
- Surprise, surprise.
They know the Cresswells!
Richard's very thick with Rosemary.
One dance!
MR BURRILL: I was telling
Mr and Mrs HORROBIN
how thick you are with the people
who run the Bible Club.
Well, I wish my daughter had been a bit
more interested in that sort of thing.
They do very good work.
They're having a Sausage Sizzle tonight.
MRS HORROBIN:
That sounds jolly good fun.
It's open to all.
I'm sure she'd be very welcome.
No, I'm afraid not.
We couldn't let them go.
MRS BURRILL: I'm sure
Richard wouldn't mind taking her.
MRS HORROBIN: No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Yes, I could take her.
The problem, really, is her friend
who's staying with her.
I know someone
who I'm sure would look after her.
It's their last evening, dear.
- Look, I've made a rule.
- It's run by the Bible Club.
Would it be a terrible bore?
(APPLAUSE)
(CRICKET COMMENTARY ON RADIO)
Edwin!
Go away! It's just getting exciting!
- I've got news for you.
- What about?
- The girls.
- Oh, no! Please, not that word!
Anything but that word!
No, no, this is serious.
Look, I'd rather listen to the Test match.
Thank you!
Be ready to leave after supper.
What are you talking about?
We're escorting Julia and Anna
to the Sausage Sizzle.
The Sausage Sizzle?
We can't be seen at the Sausage Sizzle,
not after last night.
We don't have to go there ALL evening.
We could go for a walk first,
go along there later.
- When?
- Nine o'clock.
How the hell did you manage that?
Put it down to Cresswell's Poultry!
(# Royal Garden Blues)
- It'll be miles to get back!
- Ten minutes, if we hurry.
EDWIN: Here we are.
- Here we go...orange juice, a pint...
- I said only a half.
Pints tonight.
And for madam, a vodka.
A small vodka. Remember,
we're supposed to be eating sausages.
Well, here's to Mr Fixit.
I want to have a dance.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
# ...O'er the world's tempestuous sea
# Guard us, guide us
Keep us, feed us
# For we have no help but thee... #
- I think YOU ought to dance with Anna.
- Why?
It's not fair on Richard otherwise.
# ...Love with every passion blending
# Pleasure that can never cloy... #
(ENGINES DROWN SPEECH)
This is a tune which encapsulates the
feelings of all holidaymakers in Easton -
The Sod-All To Do Blues.
...Three, four...
(# Sod-All To Do Blues)
# 1 woke up this morning
With somebody ea yin' to me
# You lazy good-for-nothin', boy
It's quarter after three
# Oh, Mama, don't you fret
Cos nothin' can be spoiled
# At least my early morning tea
is well and truly boiled
# And when I've drunk the tea
As far as I can see
# There's nothing left to do-oo... #
- Mr Burrill?
- Oh, I don't mind if I do.
Thank you.
They definitely said they were coming.
- Sausage?
- Thank you.
# Got sod-all to do blues
Sod-all to say
# I got sod-all to think
Sod-all to drink
# Tomorrow's the same as yesterday
# 1 used to step out
in the morning, walking tall
# Come back in the evening
having done sod-all
# I got the sod-all to do blues... #
Take an orange, under the chin...
carry it to the gentlemen on that side.
No hands, pass it over.
The first two gentlemen on this side
carry it over to the first
two people on this team.
All right? Separate out.
Excellent... Go!
Edwin, they're staying
another week after all!
Why?
Well, it's not definite, but Daddy
said maybe he had been a bit hard,
and if we promised to be on
best behaviour, especially Anna,
- and back by 10.30...
- Where IS Anna?
- I dunno.
- I thought you'd been dancing with her.
- Do me a favour!
- Oh, no!
Over there!
- What do we do now?
- We get the hell out of it.
We can't just leave her here!
Why not? She's caused enough trouble
as it is. It's her own bloody fault!
Edwin!
- I'm not getting into all of that again.
- It's my fault. I'll get her.
Richard!
- Anna, it's time to go!
- Hey...she's dancing!
After this dance, then.
Go home, little boy.
It's way past your bedtime.
- It's past hers as well.
- You what?
Look, bugger off! She's with us!
(EXCITED CHATTER)
Anna!
BIKER: Enjoy the ride!
(CHEERING)
REV PHELPS: This team's the winner.
Well done, everyone! Well done!
RICHARD: Anna!
Well done, B team - winners of apple on
a string. They get a bottle of lemonade!
Thanks!
Yee-hah!
Whoo-hoo!
Ya-hoo!
We've all had a wonderful evening...
so before we all go,
let us give thanks for our lives,
and for all the good things we have.
- (ANNA SHOUTS OUT)
- Ya-hoo!
- Yee-ha!
- Whoo-hoo!
(ANNA SHOUTS OUT)
I'm at the jazz club.
The one by the harbour...
I don't know where they went.
Look, I'm sor... They just left, and...
OK... All right... Bye.
Did I or did I not warn you?
No-one ever listens to me!
Well, this is it!
- Never, never, never again!
- Shall I come, Clive?
No...thank you.
I call it damn rude - excuse my language -
if they've gone to a jazz club.
We were just taking a stroll,
we saw them heading over that way.
You can never tell
with young people these days.
There may be some
quite simple explanation.
I shall root them out personally!
We're going that way home,
if we can help. Come on, girls.
I'm sure there must be
some perfectly simple explanation.
There'd better be!
Aaagh!
Ooof!
(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)
I don't see the joke!
My bodyguard!
Oh, my poor bodyguard!
You wouldn't let me go, would you?!
- You followed me everywhere!
- Shut up, you silly cow! I'm hurt!
I'm bloody well hurt!
I'm thrown off a bike travelling at 50mph,
I practically sever an artery,
and all you can do is... Ah!
Here, let me see.
You have scratch, that's all -
a bruise and a scratch.
I'm losing blood!
- Have you got a handkerchief?
- Somewhere, I think.
It's not mine!
But it'll do.
- What's going on?!
- Where's Richard?
Look, I can explain.
- What?
- What's been going on?
Why don't you get in
and she'll explain on the way.
I'll come too.
- Where have they taken them?
- I've a pretty shrewd suspicion.
(DOG BARKS)
(RUSTLING, BARK GETS LOUDER)
WOMAN: Hamlet?
Hamlet?
Hamlet!
What news, my prince?
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Good God!
- Richard!
- (RICHARD PANTS)
(CHURCH BELLS CHIME)
- I'm very sorry about your grandfather.
- What?
Still, it comes to all of us
old ones sometime.
In the car, please, Richard.
Of course, under the circumstances,
I shan't charge a cancellation fee.
Most kind.
I wasn't quite sure about you at first.
I never am with my new people.
But now that you're going,
I shall miss you. Especially the boy.
Hey, Rich!
Did you, er...?
- What?
- You know...
Anna...last night.
Mm.
Well, what did you use?
What do you think?
Well, I was gonna say,
you should have asked me.
I've got hundreds in my drawer.
Thanks.
MRS BURRILL: Come on, Richard.
Edwin...
Compliments of the management.
Thanks.
Bye.
See you.
(ENGINE STARTS)
There's three days' in there!
HEADMASTER: You are on the threshold
of a full and fascinating life, Burrill.
You have a good brain,
but whatever you do,
make sure that at all times
it rules your body.
For once your body rules your brain,
the finest education this country
can provide will be of no avail.
MR BURRILL: All bodywork,
those Rovers. No performance.
You're not to sniff things like that.
WOMAN: Betty! There'll be two in One,
and one in Two.
I said there'll be two in One,
and one in Two!
And there's no need to change the sheets
in Two, the boy will be in there.
- What are we going to do?
- What do you mean?
I mean,
what IS there east of Ipswich?
Only some of the most unspoilt and
beautiful coastal scenery in the country.
I want to go somewhere spoilt.
We always go to Torquay.
MRS BURRILL: We all need a change,
and we've chosen Suffolk.
And Suffolk it shall be.
What about the crazy golf,
and Mrs Sheperds,
and Louise at the tea bar,
who always gave us double helpings?
You just go on holidays
for the waitresses.
MAN: I expect you know why
I've called you here, Burrill.
BURRILL: Yes, sir.
You'll be leaving us very shortly.
Before boys go out into the difficult
and dangerous world of senior schools,
I give them what is called a sex talk.
I expect you've already heard
boys talking about sex, have you?
- Having babies, sir?
- Yes.
Reproduction... Good. Good.
Yes. I sort of know a bit.
We've got a dog.
Good... Good.
Well, what happens, quite simply in the
act of sexual intercourse, as it is known,
is that the male dog's penis
becomes erect and enters...
the female dog's vagina...
BOY: It's a bit like puffing
your prong in the school jelly.
What? That mushy sort of jelly
we had today?
No! The firm sort of jelly
that Mrs Noble makes.
- And she just let you do it?
- Of course!
I paid her enough, I could do anything.
- Anything?! Oh, Christ!
- What else did you do?
- Shut up, Parson. You're such a lecher!
- Go on, tell us!
- I can't. The new tick's awake.
- Of course he's not.
All right. I'll tell you...
WOMAN: Richard, take me...
No... Hold me, hold me...
I'm not a piece of old haddock!
Guide me... Hold me...
And left...and right...
That's it!
Remember, you're the man.
You're in control.
So hold me close...
and hold me tight...
Turn me round...
He's been in there an awful long time.
He's mending the towel dispenser.
It's not his job to mend it!
You know what he's like about challenges.
I wouldn't call mending
a towel dispenser a challenge.
Don't go on at me about it! I didn't
want to come here in the first place.
We know that, dear! You've been saying
nothing else for the past three months!
We're here and we're going to enjoy it!
If you go on being such a retched misery,
you'll be on the first train home!
- Good!
- Don't be so silly!
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)
- Better?
- Yes.
It's one of those rotating pin devices -
standard flange and sprocket shift.
Couple of cogs loose, that's all.
Have you got the map?
Yes... It's another 25...26...
About 28 miles.
We'll go the back way, I think.
Thornham Parva, Wilby,
right fork at Ubbeston,
left again at Peasenhall.
Is that wise?
Of course it's wise! There's no point
in hurrying through Suffolk.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(HORN TOOTS)
(PARP! PARP!)
All right! All right!
- Didn't you see him?
- Of course I saw him!
Come on. Come on.
Don't drive so close, Harold.
Not out of vengeance.
It has nothing to do with vengeance.
That man's got God knows how many
cylinders under his bonnet,
and he's going at a steady 28.
MRS BURRILL: Don't make him
do anything stupid.
Honestly. The people
who can afford Rovers these days.
MRS BURRILL: It's left, isn't it?
No, that's Norwich and Yarmouth.
Miles away.
We're early again.
- And you WILL move the car, Mr Burrill?
- Yes, of course, Miss Wilbraham.
Richard, take these.
This road gets very crowded
during the week.
Of course.
Dinner is at 7.15, except for Mondays,
when there is a high tea at 6.30.
If you'd like a drink before dinner,
there's sherry, but I don't encourage it.
Ah.
- Is there any chance of a cup of tea?
- Tea was at 4.45.
Well, they'll have to go
without their soup.
Lucky things.
- (WHISPERING) Richard! It's very nice.
- It's perfectly adequate.
I always like cream of chicken.
It's mushroom.
Mushroom, chicken...
All the white soups.
- Have you finished, sir?
- No, not yet. I'm enjoying this.
Four's still finishing!
MISS WILBRAHAM: Oh...
MAN: No, I've just had a bit of the wall
of the greater intestine removed.
Oh, three or four weeks ago now.
Four months' wait for surgery in Coventry.
They found this fungal growth
which could have spread to the colon,
but they did a bit of scraping and
digging, had a good look around inside,
took a few samples,
tied up the loose ends...
No sugar for Norman.
You seem to have made a quick recovery.
Oh, I'm a fit man, always have been.
Are you a sporting man, Mr Burrill?
Oh, I...play a round of golf occasionally.
You haven't played for years!
NORMAN: That's what you think!
Hey? (LAUGHS)
Far too busy at the works, quite frankly.
Oh, what line are you in?
Light engineering. Management.
Very old established company.
Er, and you?
Sports outfitters.
I think I might just go up to my room
and finish unpacking.
- Stay and have some coffee.
- No, thanks. I don't feel like any.
- You're not ill, are you?
- No!
I'll come up and inspect
your den in a minute.
- Room to himself, eh?!
- Oh, Norman!
Lucky devil!
I always had to share with my brother.
He's a nice-looking boy.
Has he got a girlfriend?
- Yes, a very nice girl called Cresswell.
- No, he's rather shy...
Her father's Cresswell's Poultry,
you know.
(BREAKFAST BELL RINGS)
BOY: Can I fly the kite today?
MAN: We'll have to see what the weather's
like. If it's windy enough for it...
Ah. What are the, er...cereals?
Well, they're, um...sort of starters.
Yes, I know what they are.
I mean, what sort do you have?
There's Corn Flakes
and Rice Krispies and...
That's all, really.
- Do you have Grape Nuts?
- I'll ask for you, sir.
Thank you.
(WHISPERING) It's just that
the doctor recommends them.
Oh. I'll go and see for you, sir.
Where's the boy?
BOY: ...And Dexter's
not an opening bowler.
It's a waste of time
giving him the new ball!
Rubbish! Did you see his figures
at Worcester? 4 for 18 in five overs.
- Fluke.
- Oh, shut up.
- YOU shut up.
- You shut up!
Boys! Good job your mother's not here.
Who IS this Dexter, anyway?
Only the third-greatest
all-rounder in the country.
Is he? I don't know these new people.
Could be Martians, for all I know.
Great! Mars versus Australia - the
world's first interplanetary Test match!
Who wanted the Grape Nuts?
Ah. Mr Burrill. I can get them
for you by tomorrow.
Thank you.
- Do you want your own box?
- I really don't mind...
Probably be best.
I'll write your name on the side.
RADIO: ...General cloud with
occasional rain is expected to reach...
- Morning!
- Rain coming in from the west.
...though there'll be a good deal
of haze with some mist patches...
- Can't WE have a beach hut?
- Complete waste of money.
Well, this isn't bad here.
Bit near the steps.
Let's try nearer the pier.
(MOTORBIKE APPROACHES)
- What about over there?
- No. Too many dogs.
Handy for the steps.
- No beach hut, I notice.
- Mmm. Probably can't afford it.
MR BURRILL: I think it's a tanker.
An oil tanker.
- Go and talk to them.
- I can't just go and talk to them.
- Just go and say hello.
- They've probably got their own friends.
I haven't seen them with anybody.
Go on, go and ask them if you can join in.
I don't want to.
Well, I'll think I shall take a walk up
to the toilets. Anyone coming?
Go on, go with him.
Give yourself something to do.
- If we'd gone to Torquay...
- Look, that's enough!
We're going to enjoy ourselves.
- Is that what you call the beach?!
- Oh...
Well, there was plenty of sand here
last year.
Careful, you two! You're like
a couple of prize elephants!
- They are on holiday, dear.
- Yes, but not at Blackpool.
(WOLF WHISTLE)
- Need any help with the shopping?
- (BOTH GIGGLING)
I saw you! Come on, one each.
I can't. I'm waiting for my father.
- Well, where is he?
- In there.
- Is he all right?
- Yes, he's all right.
I just said I'd wait for him out here.
- You can't miss a chance like that.
- He'll wonder where I've gone.
- Tell him you're chasing girls.
- No! No!
All right, I will. What's his name?
I must say, the more I see
of Suffolk, the more I like it.
Are you coming for a quick browse
in the church?
I'll catch you up...
at the church. Bye.
- Do you like girls?
- Oh, yes. Yes.
Great, aren't they?
I've only recently got REALLY keen.
Up until then, it was cricket.
- Do you chase ALL girls?
- Every single one.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Hello.
- Staying here long?
- Until I find a nice one.
In Easton?!
- (BOTH GIGGLING)
- Could be.
- Parents here?
- Yes.
Ah...
- How do you do?
- Hello.
We were just wondering
whether your daughters would, um...
like to come and help us
build the beach pulpit?
We're involved with
the Bible Club, you see.
-Ah..I run it
- (GIRLS GIGGLING)
Good to have you on board.
We start this evening.
I can't think how you missed the church.
You never told me what street it was in.
Street?! It's the centrepiece
of the whole town!
Tower a hundred foot high.
It's the pride of the Suffolk coast.
Well, I couldn't see it.
I hope you're not going
to spend the entire holiday
avoiding any activity whatsoever.
Are you coming in or going out?
If you're out after nine o'clock,
you'll need a key.
- What usually happens, then?
- Mmm?
When you just follow someone like that.
You can't have much luck round here.
Ed-win!
What do you want, pest?
Dad said you'd help me with the kite.
It's quite big. Please!
There's nothing to it.
Tie one end firmly round your neck
and let the wind do the rest.
Please!
You may think that this place
is as dead as a doornail,
but let me tell you, you have come to
one of the hot spots of unholy pleasure.
For nine months of the year,
the average age of this place is 93.
Then in the summer, their children
come down, and they have grandchildren,
and their children are our age,
and they are dying for it.
OK, let's go!
That looks like a bulk carrier.
Probably bauxite for Sunderland.
I think I'll just go for a walk.
- Have a look in the church.
- No, thanks.
I just feel like an ice-cream,
or something.
- It'll soon be lunch.
- Bye.
We should have had another child.
N-0-0...
It's a tanker!
- Yes?
- A cone, please.
- Strawberry, vanilla, chocolate?
- Vanilla, please.
- Large or small?
- Small, please.
We're out of small,
and there's no vanilla.
One large chocolate, then, please.
- One and nine.
- I'm afraid I've only got one and six.
- Well, those are one and nine.
- Yes...
Oh, I've got threepence.
- There you are.
- Thanks very much.
Oh, that's all right.
They always say
they've run out of small ones here,
- but I've never seen anyone eating one.
- Yes?
Er, one large chocolate,
one large strawberry, please.
You're in for an expensive holiday.
Well, I'll pay you back
as soon as I get to the beach.
Oh, that's all right.
We're here for two weeks.
- So are we.
- Oh, where are you staying?
- A place called Tregarron.
- Oh! That's just near us.
Oh.
- It's where they had the food poisoning.
- What?
They found things in a rissole.
- What things?
- Sort of maggots, I think.
- Julia!
- Is that your sister?
She doesn't look like me, does she?
Oh, no... Well, not really.
- She's a pain in the neck.
- Oh?
She's Dutch. She's staying with us
in an exchange scheme.
Julia!
I'll, er... I'll pay you back.
There's no hurry.
I'm sure I'll see you again.
If I don't eat the rissoles at Tregarron!
Can I have mine
while there's still some left(?)
Oh, see what I mean?
I really love licking ice-cream
from the promenade(!)
- About time!
- I don't want any breakfast, anyway.
- You must have something.
- I'll have tea and toast.
- Tea on toast?!
- AND toast.
- Three packed lunches?
- MR BURRILL: That's us.
Why are we having packed lunches?!
I've given you cucumber sandwiches,
and the rest of the cucumber.
- MR BURRILL: Oh, thank you!
- No extra charge for that.
- Very kind.
- Why are we having packed lunches?!
- Did you want fruit?
- MRS BURRILL: Yes, that would be nice.
- Probably help you, wouldn't it?
- Well...
- I'll slip in some plums.
- Thank you.
That WILL be extra.
- Why are we having packed lunches?
- Because we're going for an outing.
We've only just got here.
We've been here three days.
- There's a lot to see.
- Like what?
Covehithe Church - beautiful ruin.
- Churches?!
- And why not?
- I want to stay here today.
- Oh, that's a good one(!)
After three days of solid moaning
about coming at all, now he wants to stay.
- You haven't had any breakfast.
-I don't want any.
Richard... Ten minutes.
Lovely boy.
Come on, Richard!
We all have to do things we don't want to.
- I want to stay here today.
- You're coming, and that's that!
I've just made some friends.
You're always telling me to make friends.
- Well, the right sort of friends.
- What do you mean by that?
I mean that we're fed up to the back teeth
with you moping about the place
being no use to anybody!
I don't mope about the place being...
What's come over you?!
Won't do this, won't do that.
Your mother and I have brought you up
to appreciate certain things.
One is going to church, and the other
is obedience to your elders and betters.
Now get in that car,
because we're going to see those bloody
churches whether you like it or not!
Harold!
(ENGINE STARTS)
(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS)
Fancy being told we couldn't
go in the crypt. In August!
- I'll bring these up in a minute.
- Where are you going?
- I'll bring them up, all right?!
- Where are you going?!
- Nowhere. I'm just going out.
- Supper'll be in five minutes.
You won't be leaving those there?
People pour through there in the evening!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
I'm Richard Burrill
I'm a friend of Julia's.
Yes?
Well, I wasn't here today, and...
I owe her some money.
- Oh, that's very nice. How much is that?
- Threepence.
- I would have brought it earlier, but...
- Well, I can take it, if you want.
Ah... Well, I don't have it on me.
I thought I could give it to her
later this evening.
Well, she's...she's busy, I'm afraid.
Try tomorrow, or the next day.
I think it was some fissure
in the wall of the spleen
that first showed up on the X-rays.
- No coffee?
- I'm going to bed early.
- What has got into him?
- WOMAN: Very sensible.
Not many his age are that sensible.
Not too sensible, I hope.
Hey, Rich! Just the man
I want to see! I need your help.
No, thanks. Not tonight.
What's the matter with you?! A day
at the churches and you're reformed?
I just want to go to bed early,
that's all
I've not been wasting
my time today, you know.
I've been working very hard
on your behalf.
Honestly, I can look after myself.
Brush your hair, I'll show you the world.
I don't like being organised.
Look, I promise you,
this one will be hanging out for you.
She will be slavering.
She will be driven wild with desire
at the very sight of your body.
MISS WILBRAHAM:
You've both got rooms, you know!
What the hell. I'll come.
- And I think that by allowing him this...
- Freedom.
...freedom, yes, he's much more inclined
to stay at home and read a book
- than he would be if we were to say...
- Never go out.
- Never go out.
- Mmm.
- (FOOTSTEPS)
- Richard!
- Hello!
- Hello.
Julia, this is Richard.
- He's a good friend of mine.
- We meet again!
What's this?
We buy our ice-creams
from the same place.
And this...is the lovely Hannah.
Anna.
- She's from Yorkshire.
- (SCOFFS)
Well, somewhere strange, anyway.
Haven't seen you around today.
No, I... I went out.
- Oh, I nearly forgot...
- Oh, look, I said don't bother, really.
Richard! Buying us some coffees!
What a decent chap. Four coffees, please.
I really can wait.
Like the jacket?
Um...sort of.
Sort of?! I'll have you know
I chose this specially for you
from my extensive holiday wardrobe.
It was either this or my
swimming trunks... Oh, I nearly forgot.
For you, Julia - only the best
from the tables of Tregarron.
- You were serious!
- But of course.
I told him I liked cucumber.
And Tregarron, as Richard has probably
found out, serves it up with everything.
If you want a cup of tea at two minutes
past five, or a hot bath after ten,
no chance.
But if you want cucumber at any time
of day or night, it is the place for you.
Well, we'll be off, then.
Mustn't miss the constitutional.
We'll wait till he gets back, if you like.
Oh, heavens, no!
- He'll be back any minute.
- Probably having the time of his life!
And nothing is thrown away.
It's all put in a big bin out the back
marked "chicken casserole”.
Well...we'd better be getting back.
Richard, could you stay and pay?
- Here's for me and Julia.
- I'll pay for myself.
- No, no. It's on me.
-I'll pay.
- Cucumber AND coffee!
- The perfect gentleman.
Come on.
Don't you think we should
all go back together?
Thanks, Richard. I'll do the same
for you sometime. See you later.
Ah, yes.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- What part of Holland are you from?
- Utrecht.
Ah, yes, Utrecht.
It's on the Rhine, isn't it?
270,000 people, university, railway
junction, chief major products are...
It's a dump.
It's like this place. Nothing's happened
in it for a hundred years.
(MOTORBIKE ENGINES REVVING)
Do you know those people?
Some of them. They hang
around the pier. They're good.
Good?! Well, I don't know them,
but they look like thugs to me.
That's why I like them.
- What?
- I like people no-one else does.
I shouldn't think
Julia's parents think much of that.
I don't give a damn
what Julia's parents think!
- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.
Oh, God! You really are like a...
like a bodyguard!
I'm only doing this so that...
So that your pal Edwin can hold hands
with Julia for five minutes!
- What a good friend(!)
- I'm only being polite!
I hate people being polite. I like people
who do what they want to do.
You should stop being polite
and do what you want to do!
All right. I want to go back to my hotel.
Well, go. I CAN look after myself.
- Maybe we should go together.
- Go on, off you go. Back to Mummy.
It's nearly ten o'clock!
(DOOR SHUTS)
(WHISPERING) Richard!
What time do you call this?
- It's not late.
- It is here.
Well, I'd better go to bed.
- How was the coffee bar?
- I haven't been to a coffee bar.
- The Hargreaves saw you in there.
- Oh, THAT coffee bar.
It's all right.
- Who was the girl?
- Someone I met.
- Known her long?
- I just met her at the coffee bar.
I heard she was all over you.
Oh, look...!
Just occasionally, Richard,
think of other people.
Think of me.
Think of your mother.
Think of Rosemary Cresswell.
Rosemary Cresswell?!
One dance last year!
Tomorrow night, you stay in.
(ROAR OF MOTORBIKES OUTSIDE)
MR HORROBIN: What time
does she think this is?
- Infernal girl!
- I thought she was with Richard.
It's abundantly clear to me
that none of you thought at all!
- Shall I come with you?
- Just stay where you are!
At least I'll know where one of you is.
(ENGINE STARTS)
What do you mean, it's MY fault?!
You were supposed to take Anna home.
You were supposed to keep an eye on her.
She didn't get back till two o'clock.
She didn't want to talk to me, and
I damn well didn't want to talk to her!
- You know what this means?
- What?
Julia's old man says I can't take
her out again unless I take Anna too.
- That's your problem.
- Look...
I really like Julia. I want to see
as much of her as I can.
- Wouldn't you do the same?
- Oh, God!
No.
No, this time it's true.
She's different.
She's not one of those
"off to the common, knickers down
behind a bush" type of girls.
She's much, much classier than that.
Look, I'm not asking you to understand.
ALI I'm asking is, as a friend,
just look after Anna for tonight
so that I can talk to Julia.
That's all I ask. Just tonight.
I'm not allowed to.
- Who by?
- Parents!
They were bad enough last night!
-You're 16...
-17.
17 years old. You're on holiday!
- They're strict about things like that.
- You know what this means.
Oh, yes! You can have the pleasure
of Anna's company all evening
without me being in the way!
(MR BURRILL HUMMING)
- Come on, Dad.
- All right, all right! Don't rush me.
Is there such a word as "ig"?
IQ?
I don't think so.
I'm sure there is.
I think it's the word from which
the diminutive "igloo" is derived.
An "ig”, I think you'll find,
Is a large Eskimo hall,
and igloos are smaller,
subsidiary dwellings.
There's no such word!
That's what you said about "ab".
Pass me that dictionary, will you, Mother?
(HE HUMS)
Ig...ig...ig...
Ig...
Hm, what a perfectly useless dictionary.
Ah, hang on...
Hang on...
Yes!
This is what I was thinking of!
Yes, this is the word I meant.
Igbo.
BOTH: Igbo?
It's a variation of "Ibo", the language
and tribe of south-eastern Nigeria.
That's one, two, three...
four, five, six, seven...
Double word score - 14...
And so...16, please, Richard.
Keep him on the wicket!
(LAUGHTER)
Right, Mr Burrill,
this is the one - one of my specials...
- Overarm.
- Oh!
- Richard, I want to talk to you.
-I can't. I'm fielding.
- They're leaving.
- Who?
- You be careful, Norman.
- Julia and Anna. The whole family.
- Oh!
- Oh, Norman, you've caught yourself!
- Leaving?
- That's right. Going home.
- Shall I have a look at it?
- You all right, old man?
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
First thing Saturday morning,
and until then, confined to barracks.
- What do you mean?
- MR BURRILL: Mustn't hog the batting.
- Your turn, Macklin.
- We lost Anna again last night.
Just cos I took my eye off her
for 30 seconds.
- And?
- She went off.
Went off where?
Same place she's been
every night this week.
- Where's that?
- The Common.
The Common?!
The mating ground
of the lesser-spotted Triumph rider.
- MR BURRILL: Richard!
- She rides motorbikes?
- Motorcyclists.
- Come on, Richard! You bowl!
Anna...actually...
Every night.
- Different people?
- Yes.
- I just can't believe it. She really...?
- Yes, she REALLY did.
- That's why they're going home.
- That's bloody unfair.
- Well, imagine how I feel!
- Richard. Come on!
I mean, normally, I couldn't give a toss.
But this was the one time, the ONE time,
I was really getting fond of someone.
Well, I can tell you, from now on,
you can forget true love.
I'm going strictly for sex.
Richard! Come on!
Oh!
# Waft, waft ye winds his story
# And you, ye waters roll
# Till like a sea of glory
# It spreads from pole to pole
# Till o'er our ransomed nature
# The Lamb for sinners slain
# Redeemer, King, Creator
# In bliss returns to reign
# A-A-Amen. #
Very glad to see
some new faces here today.
Tomorrow, of course, is our
Sausage Sizzle and Games Evening,
which is not to be missed.
Assemble at nine,
and bring your friends.
Now...may God bless us all...
...and show us the one true road
which leads away from the sea of sin...
...and on to the firm ground
of faith...and hope. Amen.
Ready?
Now.
- Coffee?
- Well...
- Yes, but we've got to clear up.
- That's all right.
- We'll help. Won't we?
- Well, yes, of course.
Are you going to help? Jolly good.
You take that end...
Didn't think the God Squad
would get those two.
Oh, I think it's nice.
Well, I think these two deserve
a little reward, don't you, girls?
No, no, no. It's nothing.
I think we should take them
to our favourite coffee bar, eh?
REV PHELPS: I love
these jolly little places, don't you?
I think next year
we must have a coffee club ourselves.
That's the trouble. We have
a whole heap of jolly good ideas,
but it's finding people
to come along and muck in.
Do either of you play the guitar?
No, I don't terribly well.
But I can tell a B from a G
and strum the odd thing.
Not rock'n'roll, I'm afraid.
But there's a vicar in Southgate
who holds skiff le evensong...
Good heavens! Is that the time?
I must be getting back.
We've got an Under-7s
Treasure Trail tomorrow morning
and I haven't got a clue, as they say.
No... No need for you two
to go yet, eh, girls?
- Oh, no!
- 20 minutes.
See you tomorrow at the Sizzle.
- That's his signal.
- When he says 20 minutes...
...that means we've got 20 minutes.
BOTH: 9.23.
- Where have they gone?
- A short cut. We know lots.
17 minutes... Thank you!
- Tomorrow at the Sausage Sizzle!
- And coffee afterwards!
- Well?
- Fantastic!
I've never had my mouth open
so long for so little.
- What did you expect?
- Well, a feel, at least.
- We didn't know them THAT well.
-So?
Do you think the demon Dutchwoman
knows all those blokes she knocks off?
Do you think...
they all had things?
- Contraceptives?
- Oh, yeah.
- Do you?
- Yeah. I've got hundreds.
What, with you?
Yeah. I always stock up for the holidays.
Where do you keep them?
- In the hotel.
- What, just in your room?
Well, I don't keep them
on the dining-room table, do I?
No, I just keep them in a drawer,
under the socks.
Under your socks? What happens
when your mother puts cleans ones in?
Shh!
(GIGGLES AND MOANS)
That's all I need.
I was better off with cricket.
(BRASS BAND STRIKES UP TUNE)
(FAINT SOUND OF BRASS BAND PLAYING)
Oh, sorry, sir.
That's all right, Betty.
I was just looking for something.
By the way, I found a magazine
of yours under your bed.
- Oh.
- I didn't think you'd want it left out,
so I put it in the drawer
with your socks.
Oh!
Still going for the early morning swim,
I see.
Oh, yes. Not allowed to miss that.
- It would kill me.
- Oh, it's not too bad.
Getting in's the worst.
She runs straight at it. I take ages!
Did you enjoy last night?
- At the coffee bar.
- Oh, that.
Who were the girls?
Just a couple we met.
Not my type - really.
What's your type?
Well, someone with a bit more...
Well, not twins, anyway.
What's yours?
Oh...I don't know.
ANNA: Hey! Come back in!
You're boring!
Come back in!
- We're going tomorrow.
- Yes.
I sort of ...
Well, I heard.
Oh, what a mess.
Well, I tell you, next year,
I'm not coming here
as a nursemaid or as a bodyguard.
Come on!
Richard! Richard.
This is our boy, Richard.
- Oh, yes, I think we met before, briefly.
- Surprise, surprise.
They know the Cresswells!
Richard's very thick with Rosemary.
One dance!
MR BURRILL: I was telling
Mr and Mrs HORROBIN
how thick you are with the people
who run the Bible Club.
Well, I wish my daughter had been a bit
more interested in that sort of thing.
They do very good work.
They're having a Sausage Sizzle tonight.
MRS HORROBIN:
That sounds jolly good fun.
It's open to all.
I'm sure she'd be very welcome.
No, I'm afraid not.
We couldn't let them go.
MRS BURRILL: I'm sure
Richard wouldn't mind taking her.
MRS HORROBIN: No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Yes, I could take her.
The problem, really, is her friend
who's staying with her.
I know someone
who I'm sure would look after her.
It's their last evening, dear.
- Look, I've made a rule.
- It's run by the Bible Club.
Would it be a terrible bore?
(APPLAUSE)
(CRICKET COMMENTARY ON RADIO)
Edwin!
Go away! It's just getting exciting!
- I've got news for you.
- What about?
- The girls.
- Oh, no! Please, not that word!
Anything but that word!
No, no, this is serious.
Look, I'd rather listen to the Test match.
Thank you!
Be ready to leave after supper.
What are you talking about?
We're escorting Julia and Anna
to the Sausage Sizzle.
The Sausage Sizzle?
We can't be seen at the Sausage Sizzle,
not after last night.
We don't have to go there ALL evening.
We could go for a walk first,
go along there later.
- When?
- Nine o'clock.
How the hell did you manage that?
Put it down to Cresswell's Poultry!
(# Royal Garden Blues)
- It'll be miles to get back!
- Ten minutes, if we hurry.
EDWIN: Here we are.
- Here we go...orange juice, a pint...
- I said only a half.
Pints tonight.
And for madam, a vodka.
A small vodka. Remember,
we're supposed to be eating sausages.
Well, here's to Mr Fixit.
I want to have a dance.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
# ...O'er the world's tempestuous sea
# Guard us, guide us
Keep us, feed us
# For we have no help but thee... #
- I think YOU ought to dance with Anna.
- Why?
It's not fair on Richard otherwise.
# ...Love with every passion blending
# Pleasure that can never cloy... #
(ENGINES DROWN SPEECH)
This is a tune which encapsulates the
feelings of all holidaymakers in Easton -
The Sod-All To Do Blues.
...Three, four...
(# Sod-All To Do Blues)
# 1 woke up this morning
With somebody ea yin' to me
# You lazy good-for-nothin', boy
It's quarter after three
# Oh, Mama, don't you fret
Cos nothin' can be spoiled
# At least my early morning tea
is well and truly boiled
# And when I've drunk the tea
As far as I can see
# There's nothing left to do-oo... #
- Mr Burrill?
- Oh, I don't mind if I do.
Thank you.
They definitely said they were coming.
- Sausage?
- Thank you.
# Got sod-all to do blues
Sod-all to say
# I got sod-all to think
Sod-all to drink
# Tomorrow's the same as yesterday
# 1 used to step out
in the morning, walking tall
# Come back in the evening
having done sod-all
# I got the sod-all to do blues... #
Take an orange, under the chin...
carry it to the gentlemen on that side.
No hands, pass it over.
The first two gentlemen on this side
carry it over to the first
two people on this team.
All right? Separate out.
Excellent... Go!
Edwin, they're staying
another week after all!
Why?
Well, it's not definite, but Daddy
said maybe he had been a bit hard,
and if we promised to be on
best behaviour, especially Anna,
- and back by 10.30...
- Where IS Anna?
- I dunno.
- I thought you'd been dancing with her.
- Do me a favour!
- Oh, no!
Over there!
- What do we do now?
- We get the hell out of it.
We can't just leave her here!
Why not? She's caused enough trouble
as it is. It's her own bloody fault!
Edwin!
- I'm not getting into all of that again.
- It's my fault. I'll get her.
Richard!
- Anna, it's time to go!
- Hey...she's dancing!
After this dance, then.
Go home, little boy.
It's way past your bedtime.
- It's past hers as well.
- You what?
Look, bugger off! She's with us!
(EXCITED CHATTER)
Anna!
BIKER: Enjoy the ride!
(CHEERING)
REV PHELPS: This team's the winner.
Well done, everyone! Well done!
RICHARD: Anna!
Well done, B team - winners of apple on
a string. They get a bottle of lemonade!
Thanks!
Yee-hah!
Whoo-hoo!
Ya-hoo!
We've all had a wonderful evening...
so before we all go,
let us give thanks for our lives,
and for all the good things we have.
- (ANNA SHOUTS OUT)
- Ya-hoo!
- Yee-ha!
- Whoo-hoo!
(ANNA SHOUTS OUT)
I'm at the jazz club.
The one by the harbour...
I don't know where they went.
Look, I'm sor... They just left, and...
OK... All right... Bye.
Did I or did I not warn you?
No-one ever listens to me!
Well, this is it!
- Never, never, never again!
- Shall I come, Clive?
No...thank you.
I call it damn rude - excuse my language -
if they've gone to a jazz club.
We were just taking a stroll,
we saw them heading over that way.
You can never tell
with young people these days.
There may be some
quite simple explanation.
I shall root them out personally!
We're going that way home,
if we can help. Come on, girls.
I'm sure there must be
some perfectly simple explanation.
There'd better be!
Aaagh!
Ooof!
(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)
I don't see the joke!
My bodyguard!
Oh, my poor bodyguard!
You wouldn't let me go, would you?!
- You followed me everywhere!
- Shut up, you silly cow! I'm hurt!
I'm bloody well hurt!
I'm thrown off a bike travelling at 50mph,
I practically sever an artery,
and all you can do is... Ah!
Here, let me see.
You have scratch, that's all -
a bruise and a scratch.
I'm losing blood!
- Have you got a handkerchief?
- Somewhere, I think.
It's not mine!
But it'll do.
- What's going on?!
- Where's Richard?
Look, I can explain.
- What?
- What's been going on?
Why don't you get in
and she'll explain on the way.
I'll come too.
- Where have they taken them?
- I've a pretty shrewd suspicion.
(DOG BARKS)
(RUSTLING, BARK GETS LOUDER)
WOMAN: Hamlet?
Hamlet?
Hamlet!
What news, my prince?
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
Good God!
- Richard!
- (RICHARD PANTS)
(CHURCH BELLS CHIME)
- I'm very sorry about your grandfather.
- What?
Still, it comes to all of us
old ones sometime.
In the car, please, Richard.
Of course, under the circumstances,
I shan't charge a cancellation fee.
Most kind.
I wasn't quite sure about you at first.
I never am with my new people.
But now that you're going,
I shall miss you. Especially the boy.
Hey, Rich!
Did you, er...?
- What?
- You know...
Anna...last night.
Mm.
Well, what did you use?
What do you think?
Well, I was gonna say,
you should have asked me.
I've got hundreds in my drawer.
Thanks.
MRS BURRILL: Come on, Richard.
Edwin...
Compliments of the management.
Thanks.
Bye.
See you.
(ENGINE STARTS)
There's three days' in there!
HEADMASTER: You are on the threshold
of a full and fascinating life, Burrill.
You have a good brain,
but whatever you do,
make sure that at all times
it rules your body.
For once your body rules your brain,
the finest education this country
can provide will be of no avail.
MR BURRILL: All bodywork,
those Rovers. No performance.