Screen Two (1985–2002): Season 11, Episode 8 - Bliss - full transcript
[gentle piano and
wooden flute music]
For there is good
news yet to hear
and fine things to be seen
before we go to paradise
by way of Kensal Green.
[mellow jazz music]
There he is.
23.
George Cruikshank.
Where is James Barry?
James Barry, 43.
43.
43.
Jame Barry.
Dr. James Barry couldn't marry
because she wasn't a he.
R.I.P.
[traffic noise]
* Taste it, you'll
see it's cruel *
* It starts with just
two usual fools *
* Who begin to
think they're safe *
* But their hearts
have found complaint *
* And cynical reviews of love *
* Make it easier to fall *
[people chattering]
* Make it easier to fall *
* It'll be all right,
all right tonight *
Excuse me.
Have you got a
light by any chance?
Do you see me smokin'?
You look like a smoker.
[laughing]
-[mellow New Age music]
-[people chattering]
What's your date of birth?
January 20th.
Capricorn.
Was is that, a goat?
-Yeah.
-Yeah [laughing].
What does it mean?
Disciplined, dedicated, and
quick to seize an opportunity.
That's right.
-Is that right?
-Uh huh.
What are you?
I'm Virgo.
[laughing]
* What once was love
becomes content *
* And the end is heaven sent *
[car engine humming]
[woman laughing]
[people chattering]
[car door banging]
[car door banging]
[Saffron laughing]
Leslie.
[knocking]
[people chattering]
-Hi.
-Hi.
Sorry.
Leslie, you didn't stay.
Was it really crap?
No, no, I thought it
was the best one yet.
Yeah?
You didn't think it
was too pretentious
with the sofa and everything?
My brother said we had to
look like we were on smack.
I thought that was a bit stupid.
[muffled techno music]
Um, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Um, well, I mean, everyone's
coming up for a drink.
Oh, that's fine.
That's all right.
Well, no, no, no.
Why don't you come up as well?
No, I can't.
Oh, come on, Leslie.
Come have some fun.
Okay, I'll come.
I'll just come for
a couple of minutes.
Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
Okay.
[mellow acoustic guitar music]
Yeah?
[woman laughing]
[people chattering]
[Gee] What do you
do for a living?
[Julia] I write porn.
Yeah, well, and I'm
a male stripper.
I do.
I write porn.
I write erotic
literature for women.
-It's true.
-Yeah.
Oh, Leslie, hi.
Sorry.
Hi, what would
you like to drink?
Sorry, I didn't bring anything.
That's fine.
Beer, wine?
Beer.
Okay.
[people chattering]
Um, you know
everybody, don't you?
Oh, look, this is Gee.
Gee, this is Leslie.
He lives downstairs.
All right, mate.
This is Julia.
-This is Leslie.
-Hi.
Leslie knows everything
you'd ever want to know
about Notting Hill, right?
Ask him about the cemetery.
It is so cool.
Okay?
Twist top, mate.
Excuse me.
Bye.
Are you an undertaker?
No.
What birth sign are ya?
[laughing] Hi, I'm
Larry, and I'm Aquarius.
So, you're Aquarius,
and your name's Larry.
You know.
* Float, float on *
What do you do in
the civil service?
What do I do?
Um, I'm tryin' to
think what I do.
Um, I'm an SEO.
[laughing] What's an SEO?
It's a Senior Executive Officer.
Ah, that sounds grand.
It's a dying grade.
How long have you been doing it?
12 years.
Only another 25 to go.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
You're gonna be in the
same job for 37 years?
I've started so I'll finish.
I'm serious.
What birth sign are ya?
[Saffron] Pisces.
-Ah, the fish.
-Mmm hmm.
Emotional, don't know
where you're goin'.
Don't know what you want.
I know exactly what I want.
Nobody believes me.
Yes, that's what I do.
Well, I'll have
to read one then.
What's you name?
Julia Beresford,
but I write under the
name Simone Marcel.
[laughing]
Actually, I'm married.
You up for an affair?
I'm not with him anymore.
Mmm, could be your lucky day.
Thackeray, Blondin,
Mayhew, Cruikshank.
Do you know James Barry?
J. M. Barry, yes, is he there?
No, James Barry.
Oh, Dr. James Barry.
Yes, I know him,
her, him. [laughing]
That's the woman who
dressed up as a man
so she could be a doctor, yes?
So, he, she's there.
He's there.
You ought to go and,
you ought to go there.
Well, why don't we go now?
Do you often go to graveyards
at half past one in the morning?
I can't think of a better time.
Well, we could go to
a club if you like.
We'd have to find something
rubber for you to wear.
Have you got anything rubber
you could slip on? [laughing]
This is what we do, okay?
You have your hands here,
and I have my hands here.
And you just walk around
in a circle, okay?
Just like that.
[laughing] We used to
do this when we were 12.
[Gee] And you're
still doin' it now.
Jesus Christ.
So silly.
You did it.
I can't be doin' this.
I'm a big man, you
know what I'm sayin'?
Yeah.
Follow me.
Let me give you some yard style.
Okay.
Follow me, just follow me.
Okay.
Yeah.
How's that feel?
Yeah, I can feel that.
Would you like to see my flat?
Why, what's in your flat?
Coffee.
Coffee?
Yes, I'd love some coffee.
[laughing]
[mellow New Age music]
It's a bit drab.
It's very nice.
[Leslie] Do you want coffee?
I've still got some
wine left, thanks.
There's an awful lot of
Chesterton on your shelves.
[Leslie] He's my passion.
Are you a Catholic?
[Leslie] No.
[Julia] It's a bit
dull, isn't it?
No, he's brilliant.
I've only read Father Brown.
Then you should read "The
Napoleon of Notting Hill."
Where's your toilet?
Just, follow me.
That door there.
It's a bit, um.
[light switch clicking]
[cd case clicking]
[gentle piano music]
[breath huffing]
I think it's a bit
late for the graveyard.
Don't you ever go there to fuck?
Um, so, who's your favourite
author then of all time?
Of all time?
Ah, I don't know.
Toni Morrison,
Margaret Atwood, Doris
Lessing, Anais Nin.
All women.
Do you mind if I
change the music?
No, it's rubbish.
[wine glass clunking]
[cd case clicking]
[mellow piano music]
Do you want to dance?
* He needs me *
* He doesn't know
it, but he needs me *
* And so no matter
where he goes *
* Though he doesn't care *
* He knows that I'm there *
* He needs me *
Oh.
Did you feel it?
What?
I just got an electric
shock from static.
Sorry.
We're not going to
the graveyard then?
I've got to work in the morning.
Oh, have you?
How selfish of me.
I should let you get to bed.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's really nice talking to you,
and, well, you can
stay here if you want.
No, I don't think so.
[Leslie] Well, I
can phone you a cab.
Actually, I prefer to walk.
Well, I'll walk you home.
I quite like walking
alone at this hour.
It's just a shame
to break it up.
Can I call you?
Yes, of course.
Well, I haven't got your.
I'll get a pen.
It's okay.
Saffie's got my number.
Well, are you sure
you'll be all right?
I'll be fine.
All the best.
* Just as he *
* Needs me *
Bloody hell.
Leslie Bliss.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
-Hello?
-Hi.
Saffron, it's Leslie.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Oh, hi.
[Leslie] I just wondered.
What time is it?
Ah, six, six minutes past three.
[Saffron] Oh, oh.
Sorry.
[Saffron] It's okay.
Um,
you know at the party, um,
there was a girl
who was a writer.
[Saffron] Uh huh.
I promised I'd phone her,
and I just wondered if,
she said you might
have her number.
Ah, oh, Julia?
Oh, yeah, wait, hold on.
[pages crinkling]
Are you there?
Hello?
Oh, yeah, 2-2-9-6-2-9-7, okay?
Okay.
Thank you.
-Sorry to bother you then.
-Okay, bye.
All the best.
[phone clattering]
Hello, do I know you?
No more, button.
He's out.
[laughing]
Yes.
[phone ringing]
Ah.
Hello?
[Leslie] Hello, can I speak
to Julia BBeresford please?
Speaking.
Hello, this is the man
from the other night.
Who?
It's Leslie from the party.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry to phone you.
Saffron gave me your number.
I just wondered if
you'd like to come out
to dinner on Friday night.
No, I'm sorry I can't.
I'm working on Friday.
Oh.
Well, what about
next week sometime?
Oh, you're the man who knows
all about the
graveyard, aren't you?
Yes, do you still
want to take me?
Um, yeah, when would
you like to go?
[Julia] Now. [laughing]
What, this evening?
Yes, why not?
Well, it's shut now, I'm afraid.
Well, good.
We can climb over the wall.
Do you, would you like to go
for something to eat instead?
Sorry, I can't.
I'm actually meeting
some people later,
but we could take some
champagne. [laughing]
Well, shall I come over now,
and I'll bring some champagne?
[Julia] [laughing] Okay.
Well, I'll see you in
what, half an hour?
Yeah, I've just got
a few calls to make.
Right, okay, see you then, bye.
Bye.
Oh, God, and a bloody cemetery.
Oh, that's great, great.
We'll do the cemetery.
[phone clattering]
Hello?
Half an hour.
[stuff clattering]
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
[toothbrush whooshing]
[water gurgling]
I don't know anything about her.
I don't know anything about her.
[mellow soft rock music]
It's not gonna work out either.
Right, just enjoy yourself.
Oh, hey.
[Leslie] Saffron,
can I have a word?
Yeah, sure, come in.
Leslie, how you doin', mate?
Hi.
You're obviously busy.
I'll, some other.
Very busy.
Some other time.
Oh, no, Leslie, it's okay.
Just sit down, okay?
Sorry.
Sorry.
[Saffron] It's okay.
Um, you know that woman Julia?
[Saffron] Mmm hmm.
What do you know about her?
I just went to school
with her sister.
She's about 34.
She's a writer.
Is she with anyone?
Well, well, you know me.
Oh, no, Leslie.
Oh, no, no, don't, okay?
Um, look, she's,
she's a bit scary.
She's dangerous.
Why, why is she scary?
Um, why's she scary?
Um, she's outrageous.
She makes me laugh.
Well, why did you
say she was scary?
Well, she drinks a lot.
Was she drunk last night, yeah.
When I phoned her, she
didn't know who I was.
Oh, well, she smokes
a lot of dope.
She drinks a lot.
She works nights.
Well, I really like her.
She comes from a nice family.
You know, her brother
makes furniture.
Um, look, it might be fun,
but just be careful, okay?
It can be fun to be with
somebody who's really nice.
Look, why don't we just all
go for a drink or something?
What, the three of us?
No, I could bring Gee.
Who's Gee?
Oh, right, you're
stripper bloke.
[laughing]
So, you think she's dangerous?
Oh, no, oh, no, well,
you balance each
other out, I suppose.
Why don't I just phone her, and.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can look after myself.
Don't worry.
Leslie, look, Leslie,
if you want to see her,
then you should.
It's not as if you're
gonna marry her.
Just relax.
I should never have asked you.
But, I mean, how else do
people get together, okay?
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Just, I might ring her up.
Yeah, I don't wanna
go out with her.
Just eat it.
Forget about it.
Don't phone her.
I shouldn't have asked you.
-It's okay.
-Sorry.
-No.
-Okay.
But thanks, sorry.
Okay.
[Julia laughing]
[Julia] Give me the booze.
You'll drop it.
I think they've got dogs
here for security and that.
Don't be silly.
They're not gonna have dogs
around with all these bones.
And this is quite
good spot actually.
Do you wanna sit on my?
Do you wanna sit on my mack?
Have you ever done this
in a graveyard before?
Where are all the famous people?
Everywhere.
You don't have to whisper.
[cork popping]
Oh.
Don't worry.
You'll draw people to us.
Have you got that
joint I gave you?
Um, sorry.
There.
Are you scared?
No, no, I just don't
like breaking the law.
It's not what I
expect to be doing.
You should always
do the unexpected.
That way when you're six
feet under like this lot,
at least you'll have
lived a full life.
Are you comfortable?
So, do you believe in ghosts?
Yes, I, what's that?
What?
That.
-All right, so.
-[Julia laughing]
I knew you were gonna
do somethin' like that.
It's incredible.
I've never met anyone like you.
You're the one who's
supposed to be scared.
I'm supposed to be
looking after you.
[Julia laughing]
There's Blondin over there.
[Julia] He's probably
escaped by now.
That was Houdini.
Blondin was the acrobat.
Blondin was the one that
went over Niagara Falls
on a tightrope.
He did it, well, about
four or five times.
He went over it on a tightrope,
and then he went blindfold.
And then, then, he went
and with a man on his back.
And then he did it on stilts.
And then, he went over,
and he stopped and cooked
an omelette and ate it.
And that's Wilkie
Collins is just.
And that's Mulready,
who was the first man
to invent the envelope.
[Julia laughing]
What?
This is one of my
favourite all time places.
Not very exciting though, is it?
[Leslie] Well, were you
hoping you'd get arrested?
[laughing] Yes, I was.
I'm rather
disappointed actually.
Here I am being
taken advantage of.
Oh, I'm taking
advantage of you, am I?
You're doing research on
me for one of your books.
[laughing]
-[phone ringing]
-[Leslie gasping]
[laughing]
Are we all fixed?
You all fixed?
Hello?
Hello, Lisa. [laughing]
No, no, no, no, you just,
you just scared this
poor man out of his wits.
[laughing]
Well, yes, yeah, okay,
I'll describe him.
Okay, he's tall, and
he's good looking.
And he's got far too
many muscles [laughing].
Yeah, okay, hang on, hang on.
Lisa wants to speak to you.
Hello, Lisa.
No, it's just me, I'm afraid.
[Julia] What did she ask you?
She said, "Have you
got any brothers?"
[laughing] Hello?
I know.
I know.
Oh, right, oh, right, okay.
What, in half an hour?
Yeah, okay.
All right, I'll see you.
Okay, bye.
[phone beeping]
Listen, I'm sorry, Leslie.
I've got to go.
A friend in need and all that.
[gentle piano music]
Could you, um, show me the way?
[Leslie] Yeah, is she all right?
Yeah, she's fine, but I've
gotta get to Finsbury Park.
[Leslie] Well, let me go first.
[Julia] Yes, if you would.
[Leslie] Sorry, hey.
Just, over here.
Do you wanna?
Have you got time
for something to eat?
[Julia] I'm afraid not, no.
Of course the 8:10
never turned up, did it?
Surprise, surprise.
Jimmy's nice little
joke in the timetable.
The train never arriving
at platform three
will be the ghost train
to Liverpool Street.
[laughing]
By the time the 8:30 arrived,
you had half the town of
Essex tryin' to get on it.
So, we wait another 20 minutes.
Stucker, could have given
me a pass to stop there,
15 minutes.
Signal failure.
[phone ringing]
Right then, I said, oh, my.
They've gotta cancel the train.
Make us late for work.
[paper crinkling]
[gentle piano music]
Mind the girl, man.
Hello.
[Saffron] Oh, hi.
-Need a hand?
-Oh, yeah, thanks.
Ooh, it's heavy.
Is this for the band?
No, it's Gee's stuff.
He's moving in.
Great.
Well, Harriet's moved out.
I had to have someone
to pay the rent.
Might as well snug
him as well, eh?
Mind the stuff.
Hiya.
[sighing]
[muffled techno music]
Yes, and to all the
people out there,
we are locked into
58 Chesterfield Road
with Great Gainer
and his Mrs. Saffron.
[Gee talking]
I'm tellin' a story.
I manipulate the audience.
Let 'em hear what I
wanna 'em to hear.
Check what I'm sayin'?
Look, listen, you've got a
demolition man, all right?
Oh, yeah, demolition,
great story.
And he's goin' down to mash down
this woman's ass, all right?
You know, her period, all right?
It so happens, this
man is a batsman,
and this woman she's a
spin bowler, all right?
[laughing] They play cricket.
No, look, some women
are spin bowlers,
and some women are
seamers, all right?
Now, see me, I'm
an opening batsman.
So, if you come with
any spin bowling,
I'll just bat you
into the covers.
[muffled techno music]
Hey, what's this?
Tea.
You ain't got no sugar in it.
[Saffron] Oh, we ran out.
Pop out and get some, love.
I can't drink this
with no sugar.
What, at this time of night?
Just go down to 7-Eleven.
Just on Grove.
Make me.
I'll do a special mix for ya.
And when you get back, you
can say hello to the captain.
Cheers, love.
Get some chocolate, yeah?
And some chips,
cheese and onion.
* So in love with
you ooo ooo ooo *
[muffled music]
[sniffling]
[Julia] I loved him very much.
[Gee] He was such a great guy.
[Julia] And this is
your favourite place.
-Julia Beresford?
-Yes.
[Delivery Person]
Some flowers for you.
Oh, right.
Thanks.
[door clunking]
A friend of the cemetery.
Oh, God.
[glass clunking]
[train rumbling]
[Saffron laughing]
Oh, hi, Gee.
Hey.
What happened to the phone call?
Oh, I lost your number you know.
-Lost the number?
-Yeah.
So, what have you been up to?
Just hustling, man.
You know, just hustling.
Tryin' to pick up two
little pennies basically.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
All right, well,
now, keep in touch.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah?
I'lm sure I'll find it, yeah?
Yeah, exactly.
-Good day.
-Oh, excellent.
Why didn't you introduce
me to your friend?
I can't remember her name.
You know what I mean, babe?
[mellow jazz music]
Got all mashed.
I've gotta get a
drink or something.
-Okay.
-Yeah?
I'll see you there.
-All right.
-Okay.
Hey.
Oh, hi, how are you?
Well, how are you?
I'm fine.
Where have you been?
Shopping with Gee.
How much is the?
[Salesperson] 30 pounds.
3-0.
30 pounds, all right.
[Salesperson] Thank you.
-That's a nice one.
-Thank you.
He's sending me flowers now.
Oh, God, how sweet, isn't it?
It's not sweet.
And I have to put a stop to it.
[Saffron] Why?
He's a really nice guy.
Yes, I'm sure he is, but
look at him and look at me.
We're hardly suited, are we?
[Saffron] I just think
he's really interesting.
How long have you known him?
[Saffron] About two years.
[Julia] Is this
something that he does,
send people flowers?
I don't know.
He's never sent me flowers.
Well, I'm gonna have
to warn him off.
So, you don't want
Leslie's attention?
No, I don't.
I don't know what's underneath
his floorboards. [laughing]
I really like him.
I'd really like to
see him with someone.
[Julia] You have him then.
I'd drive him mad.
So, how about you?
I'm fine.
[Julia] What's going on?
He's moved in.
Saffie.
Already?
Yeah.
It's great.
I've got carpet burns
all down my back.
You hardly know him.
It's not a novelty fuck, is it?
Look, he's a really
nice guy, okay?
And, yeah, he does have
a big dick. [laughing]
[people chattering]
Honestly, it can't be that girl.
Leslie, say, man?
Hello.
Where are you going?
I was just going home.
I'll walk with ya.
Lisa, see you later, babe.
[car horn honking]
Did you cop all of it then?
Hey, don't blush, man.
No need to get embarrassed.
This is man to man.
What happened?
You dirty bastard.
You bedded her, didn't ya?
Jesus Christ, I knew
she was up for it.
She tried to check me
at the gig. [laughing]
Do you fancy Julia then?
Well, I wouldn't mind
gettin' in the crease
and going for blind
love and reckless,
but I'm into Saffron.
So, what's she like then?
She got a big virga?
When's the last time
you had your leg over?
Not as long as you think.
Phalax, you're bangin'
down the doors, mate.
It's just what you do when
they smash you in the mouth.
That only happens
in the movies, man.
Look, if you give off
that vulnerable vibe,
you get nowhere.
How'd you fancy her?
You just up for the trim,
or you wanna have her
cookin' and cleanin' for ya?
You see me and Saff?
I didn't have to do nothing.
I led her one on one,
and when I said go, she
was on me like a rash.
Don't do all the running, man.
It's no good for the ego.
Don't be on the
phone all the time,
and get some nice garms, man.
I mean, I've got nothing,
but I've got no
problem in that area.
Pick your head up, dread.
Jesus Christ, you look like you
just killed his old girl and
don't know what to do about it.
Women don't check
for that look, man.
Keep that look out, jack.
When you gonna get some
garms, I'll go with ya.
How much you spend
on clothes anyhow?
Nothing at the moment.
See, poor, man.
You gotta spend on yourself.
It's a matter of taste.
[laughing] When it comes
to taste, I'm your man.
You got the brains.
Offset that with the
garms and the scent.
Let her smell ya, man.
I'll bet you any money
that Julia well loves sex.
She wants it badly.
She must love it.
She's well up for it.
Guy, I tell ya.
She might be up for it.
She might not be
up for it with me.
[laughing] Geez.
Yo, yo, yo, hold
it, hold it, Leslie.
Sunday, sort your life out.
Lock in at Grow FM
on 105.8 FM stereo
from six 'til eight
for your main man,
the Double Gee, the vinyl shift.
Yours truly.
Hey, I've got the keys.
[gentle piano music]
I don't want your
garms, actually.
I have to listen to
your music pounding
through my ceiling
day and night.
Now, he expects me to
listen to him on the radio.
A bloody nightmare.
I don't want her to smell me.
Just, just the kind of man
Julia would find totally
repulsive, and me.
In fact, all women find
you totally repulsive.
[muffled techno music]
[sighing]
Oh, God.
You're locked into brother
band's Garage Machine
with me, Great Gainer,
Double Gee, the vinyl shift
right through 'til
eight o'clock.
And have I got a feast for ya.
I'm cookin' right now
on my music stove.
It's Robin S. and
"I Wanna Thank Ya."
* I wanna thank you,
heavenly Father *
* For shining your light on me *
* You sent the Son, one
who really loves me *
* I owe my thanks to you *
* I know it wouldn't
have happened *
* Without your love *
Rubbish.
Where did you learn
to do all this?
When I was a kid, my mother
used to shout me out.
Gregory, go inside
and cook my food.
Still when I look
back, I'm grateful
'cause I learned something.
I know how to take care of
myself, you know what I mean?
I do know how to feed
myself, you know?
What?
Pasta, lettuce, Weetabix.
Poor people's food.
Who used to do the cookin'
at your house then, your mum?
Mmm hmm.
So, when your dad
came home from work,
you put the food
on the table then?
Sometimes.
Ah, not like her
lazy daughter then.
Check this out.
Look at me.
I'm a big strapping geezer,
and I'm cookin' the food
while my missus is watchin' me.
I'm not watching.
I'm drawing.
What would you do
if I weren't here?
I'd be drawing the next guy.
Feisty bitch.
I should come over there
and bop you on your nose.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Instead I'm comin'
over to get ya.
[laughing]
[Game Show Host] Which chemical
element has the symbol S?
Sulphur.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
Which river rises in
the Tibetan Himalayas
and flows through
northwest India
to merge with the
Ganges in Bangladesh?
[Contestant] Pass.
[Game Show Host] Which
work by Franz Kafka
tells the story of a
man who had changed
into a giant insect?
[Contestant] "The Fly."
[Game Show Host]
No, "Metamorphosis."
[Leslie chuckling]
In September 1759
in which battle
fought on a plateau in Quebec
did Wolfe defeat the
French under Montcalm?
-Heights of Abraham.
-Heights of Abraham.
[Saffron humming]
[Gee] What are you doin'?
Just working on a song.
[Gee] What's it about?
It's about a girl who
meets a nutter at a party.
[Gee] What are
you gonna call it?
I don't know.
I thought I might
call it "Bliss."
[Gee laughing]
Come do the rune stones, babe.
[Saffron] No, I'm doin' this.
Come on, it could inspire ya.
Saffie, come on.
No, I'm busy, okay?
Hey, lady, glide over here now.
Come on now.
Gee, I just wanna
finish this, okay?
Now, I'm not gonna stop
until you come over here.
Come on.
-I can feel a bump comin' on.
-Gee.
I'm shakin', and my
head is twistin'.
And I'm aimin' for ya, lady.
Oh, God.
[audience applauding]
And now Margaret Jones please.
She's a civil servant.
Works as a writer/designer
with Benefits Agency
Publishing House.
Comes from Belfast.
Brought up in Liverpool.
Lives in Leeds.
Scored 15 points on the
life and works A.J. Monte
to be lying in second
place at the halfway stage.
Your general knowledge
questions are starting now.
Which author and illustrator
created Peter Rabbit,
Benjamin Bunny, and
Jemima Puddle-Duck?
Beatrix Potter.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
What name?
Gaze into the flame
of the candle.
Now, ask it a question
pertaining to your life.
-Right.
-Okay.
Pick out three runes.
Now, place them on the
table face down, yeah?
[runes clattering]
[bag thumping]
All right, what was the
question you asked it?
Why can't I write my
song when I want to?
[sighing] Turn over
the first rune.
A filler reversed.
"Now is not a time to be bound
"by old conditioning,
old authority.
"Consider not only
what will benefit you,
"but what will benefit
others and act according to
"the light you possess
now in your life
"because you may be
called upon to undertake
"a radical departure
from old ways.
"Total honesty is required.
"Otherwise, through negligence
or refusal to see clearly,
"you may cause pain to others
and damage to yourself.
[gentle piano music]
"Adaptability and skillful means
"are the methods to
cultivate at this time,
"and still you must wait
for the universe to act.
"Receiving this rune, remember,
"we do without doing, and
everything gets done."
Do you get what it means?
It means you got to get
out of your old ways.
You've got to adapt
to your partnership.
You wanted to find
out about your work,
about what song you was writin',
but that wasn't the
question you actually asked.
What you really asked was
what the situation was about,
the situation you're in.
Seriously, we have no
control over this at all.
It's just God or fate.
I'll tell you the
times when I wanted
to know what was
going on in my life,
I just had to consult the runes,
and they were there
for me, every time.
[gasping] Careful.
God, I'm really scared
I'm gonna cut you.
You won't cut me.
I trust you.
[razor scraping]
I'm really up for
this, you know?
What?
This situation.
So, don't fuck with me.
But it's great in the bath.
No, I'm serious.
I'm a jealous person.
What's mine is mine.
I know it might seem like
I'm on your case all the
time about the cooking
and the band and all that,
but it's just that
I care about ya.
And we're in this together.
Well, of course we are,
but you do have to understand
that I have my own
things to do, okay?
Like, when I want
to work on a song,
that's what I want to do.
The band is really
important to me.
I wouldn't try to stop you
doing what you want to do.
I'm not trying to stop you.
Good, 'cause you're
talking to girl
with a razor in her hand.
[gentle piano music]
Oh, what are you doin'?
-Oh.
-Yes?
Yeah?
Hmm, who's in charge now?
I am.
[mellow jazz music]
[gentle piano music]
[light switch clicking]
[Saffron groaning]
Gee.
Oh, it's five o'clock
in the morning.
I've got to get up at seven.
Gee.
I'll just look this up.
Listen, Saff.
[Saffron moaning]
Saff?
[Saffron moaning]
Saff?
[Saffron] Oh, look, so what?
It's just a dream.
Listen to what it says.
"If you're being chased
or attacked by a lion,
"you'll be warned to look
out for actual deceit
"or harmful trickery from
someone you have trusted."
[Saffron] Huh?
Well, you're the
only person I trust.
Oh, oh, oh, great.
Well, so, [laughing].
So, this is a dream
about me, is it?
Gee, what can I say to make
you believe that it's okay?
It's just a book.
The runes are just pebbles.
The stars are just stars, okay?
You're here in my bed, right?
Just see how it goes.
It's just a dream.
It's not real, okay?
Now, go back to sleep.
We'll talk about
it in the morning.
Go on, switch the lights off.
[gentle jazz music]
Come on.
[bed creaking]
[Gee] It was so real, babe.
Yeah, I know.
[Gee] I mean, I don't
know why I dreamed that.
It's all right, okay?
[Gee] It's hard to
get back in there.
I was on the way in there.
[mellow jazz music]
[Saffron sighing]
[drumbeat]
[trumpet herald]
[inspiring orchestral music]
Leslie Bliss, you have chosen
to answer questions
on why you have not
taken the plunge
with Julia Beresford.
You have two minutes
starting now.
What is Julia
Beresford's pen name?
[Leslie] Simone Marcel.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
In "Loretta's Web,"
the character Marie
wears a veil of mourning.
What single item of clothing
does her chauffer wear?
[Leslie] A blindfold.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
Would you read a Simone
Marcel novel in public?
Yes.
[Game Show Host]
No, the answer's no.
What is a difference
between Simone Marcel
and Julia Beresford?
Pass.
[Game Show Host] What one thing
do all Simone Marcel
novels have in common?
[Leslie] The plot.
[Game Show Host] No, sex.
You last saw Julia Beresford
across a market stall
in Porta Bella Road.
Does she actually
remember who you are?
I'm gonna pass.
[Game Show Host] What
is Julia Beresford's
mobile phone number?
Um, could you repeat
the question please?
[Game Show Host] Stop the watch.
What if Julia Beresford
took you home, I wonder?
Start the watch.
Have you done anything
which would indicate
to Julia Beresford that you were
seriously interested
in a relationship?
Ah, please pass.
[Game Show Host] Do you
think Julia Beresford
actually cares for one
minute what you think?
Pass.
[Game Show Host] In
what circumstances.
[alarm beeping]
I'm started so I'll finish.
In what circumstances
would Julia Beresford
consider herself naked?
[Leslie] Um, with me?
[Game Show Host]
No, without makeup.
And at the end of that
round, Leslie Bliss,
you scored.
[head thumping]
[mellow soft rock music]
[mug clunking]
[sighing]
-Saff?
-Yeah?
Make us a cup of tea, will ya?
Yeah.
Oh, leave some money.
I'll get some food.
[cupboard door creaking]
I'm going to be late
tonight, remember?
I've got band practise.
[Gee] Oh, yeah, okay.
[mellow jazz music]
[kids chattering]
[traffic noise]
Oy.
What are you doing?
Watch where you're going.
[Leslie] Sorry, mate.
[Biker] You wanker.
[Delivery Person]
Miss Beresford?
Yes.
[Delivery Person]
Some flowers for you.
Oh, great, thanks.
[Delivery Person] There's
a package down here.
Have you seen it?
Oh, thank you very much.
-Thanks, okay.
-Bye bye.
[plastic crinkling]
[print banging]
[phone buttons beeping]
London, Bliss.
Hi.
[Bartender] What can I get ya?
Ah, two Bott bottles.
Not.
Oh, don't you like that?
Fine.
[Bartender] Here you go.
I'll pay, ah?
[Bartender] 3.40 please.
It's quite nice, isn't it?
L-O-T-T.
There's lots of mobile phones.
I've got a mobile phone, Leslie.
I just.
[people laughing]
[people chattering]
I think we'd better
go back upstairs.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
So, I think we just
have to stay here and,
oh, there's a table over there.
I'll keep an eye out, and
I'll swoop if they're.
So, how's the writing going?
-Are you?
-Oh, it was great.
I delivered one today.
That's why I went
to the sanctuary.
I was celebrating.
I have to read this one then.
[Julia] What, you've
read one of my books.
Really, which one?
"Purple Fever."
So, what did you think?
Did it turn you on?
Ah, it's for women, isn't it?
[Julia] Men read
them too, Leslie.
You haven't answered
my question.
What question?
Well, did it turn you on?
I haven't done my job
very well then, have I?
What does turn you on?
I mean seriously, what
do you fantasise about
when you masturbate?
How do you know I masturbate?
I don't know anyone who doesn't.
How old are you, Leslie?
35.
Why?
Are you a virgin?
[Leslie] No. [clearing throat]
So, when was the last
time you had sex?
Ah, six.
[Julia] What, days?
Months, decades? [laughing]
Months.
Months, months?
[Leslie] What about you?
Six weeks.
Does he still?
No, it was a one night stand.
Don't actually
remember who he was.
Actually, I don't remember
whether we fucked or not
to be honest. [laughing]
That good, huh? [laughing]
I can't shock you at all, can I?
[sighing] Nothing seems
to worry you, does it?
Do you need another drink?
No.
I tell you what.
Why don't we just
get back to my place?
If you want me to.
I just invited you, Leslie.
I wouldn't have done
that if I didn't
want you to come, now, would I?
No.
Ah, Jesus.
Shit, oh, fuck.
[groaning]
Aw, fuck.
Ah.
[foot stomping]
* Then he stood up and
went to the table *
* Poured some powder
onto a mirror *
* And then he said
do you want bliss *
* I'll give you this *
* I'm going to adventure *
Hang on, hang on, hang
on, hang on, hang on.
Saff?
What?
Saff, look, we can't
do this if you're just,
you know, if you're not gonna
put something into it, right?
Well, I can't hear,
I can't hear myself.
I hear you.
[everyone laughing]
There's this loud
sort of buzzing sound.
[Band Member] Yeah,
it's called music.
It's the same for
everyone, isn't it?
I'm not, I'm sorry,
I can't do this.
[microphone feedback]
What's wrong with you?
I'm just really tired.
I'm really sorry.
I can't concentrate.
I might as well just go, okay?
I'm sorry.
You can do stuff
without me, all right?
I'll go too.
I'd like to go.
Look, Harry.
We can't do anything
without you.
Oh, shut up.
Don't give me a hard time, okay?
Um, is that what you're gonna
wear when we're playing?
I know, Harry.
I look like a
fucking leprechaun.
All right, just fuck off.
[gentle guitar strum]
* I'm just mad about Saffron *
* Saffron's mad about me *
Kiss my hand.
What do you want to do now?
Well, what would
you like to do now?
No, you have to tell
me what you want.
Well, I'd like to
make love with you.
Do you mean make love,
or do you mean sex?
I can do one.
I can't do the other.
Well, which one can you do?
We can have sex if
you want, Leslie.
If that's the way it's gotta be.
[Julia] Is this
really what you want?
Yep.
Right.
Is this what you normally do?
Yes.
Do you want me to wear a jerks?
Yes.
So, I'm quite
responsible really.
Leslie, [sighing] I can't
give you what you want.
I'm trying to be
honest with you.
This is gonna make you feel bad.
I don't do this.
I go out, and I bring
back some bloke,
but I don't wanna know
anything about him.
Well, you don't have to
know anything about me.
I don't believe this.
Why do you want to be here?
Because I'm in love with you.
I think you're beautiful.
I'd marry you tomorrow.
Oh, God.
That's not real
life, now, is it?
You don't know me.
How can you say that?
I'm not in love with you,
and I'm not going to marry you.
Well, I can understand that.
Well, it doesn't
have to affect you.
It's my problem.
It's me.
I think we should have sex then.
Just, can.
Can I kiss you?
Yes.
Kiss me.
I think you're very beautiful.
Can I put him inside you?
Yeah.
Am I hurting you?
I don't wanna hurt you.
[Julia] No, yeah, that's right.
[groaning]
Ah, you look beautiful.
[gentle piano music]
Oh, God, I got.
I've got my watch
stuck in your hair.
I'm sorry.
[moaning]
I love you.
I love you.
[Leslie breathing]
I'm sorry.
I'm not.
Sorry.
Do you want a tissue?
No, I'm fine.
[door clunking]
[pins clattering]
[light switch clicking]
[gentle piano music]
Do you wanna eat now?
Gee, I told you.
I had a band practise.
You needn't have gone
to so much trouble.
What's happened?
I phoned.
They said you weren't there.
What have you done to your hand?
My God.
Why are you checking up on me?
Cut it with a bread knife.
How?
Cuttin' the onion.
I really resent you
checking up on me.
You knew exactly where I was.
[Gee] They said
you left ages ago.
Where did you go?
I just had to be somewhere else.
I needed to be by myself.
I was worried about ya.
Anything could've
happened to you out there.
I'm sorry if you were worried.
I just didn't feel like phoning.
I'm sorry.
Look, Gee,
I think I want this to stop.
So do I.
I've made you something
really special.
No, you're not listening.
I said, I want this to stop.
I made a mistake.
I'm sorry.
[light switch clicking]
So, my dream was right.
What?
I thought about it.
Now, it all seems
to fit into place.
Okay, yes, I went to a club.
I screwed three guys,
and I threw up in a taxi.
How dare you put
all the blame on me.
[mellow jazz music]
[traffic noise]
I want reasons 'cause
I'm not happy with this.
What can I say to make
you happy with the fact
that I don't want to
be with you anymore?
Because we can't
talk to each other,
because you make me feel stupid.
Reasons, reasons,
I'll give you reasons.
Okay, reasons why I don't
want to be with Gee anymore.
This is what I did
at school today.
I can't believe this.
You planned it.
One, he keeps me in a prison.
Two, I have no
separate life from him.
How can you say this?
You got a band.
Three, I have to
pay for everything.
Four, he orders me around.
Five, he wants me to be a wife.
Six, he wants me to
be things I never was,
tidy, responsible.
What is wrong with that?
Seven, he wants complete
control of my life.
Eight, he's jealous.
Nine, he's possessive.
10, I'm not gonna
tell you that one.
11, I have to look after him,
make sure I don't offend him,
keep things smooth even when
I want to mess things up,
and work, and play,
and see friends.
12, I act like a
12-year-old with him.
13, he stimulates about
a quarter of my brain
but most of my body.
Is that enough?
14, I don't want to marry him.
15, I don't want to
have his children.
16, I care about him,
but I don't love him.
This is weird.
You don't wanna be with
me because I'm tidy.
[laughing]
The things I do for you, I
don't do for anybody else.
I told you I don't
want any friends.
I don't trust people.
I put all my trust into you.
Have you ever thought
that that might not
be other people's fault?
That it might be yours?
What is all this
macho crap anyway?
I put my trust in you, babe.
I didn't say babe.
We're going round
and round in circles.
There's no point in
talking about it anymore.
[sighing]
So, when you leavin' then?
Because I'm happy.
You're the one that wants out.
You've gotta go.
If anybody came into this house,
they'd think we were
bang into each other.
You were all over me.
And now you're sayin' this.
I'm going to bed to sleep
because if you
remember you woke me up
at five o'clock this morning
because you had a
dream about a lion.
[door banging]
-[intense rock music]
-[people chattering]
[skin smacking]
[woman crying out]
Would you like
some hot chocolate?
No thanks.
Look, Gee, this has got
nothing to do with you.
It's all to do with me.
I'm sorry I've made
you feel like this.
You've gotta give it a chance.
Sometimes it's really
easy just to pretend
that everything is
fine when it isn't.
[Gee] You say you
didn't mean it?
No, I did mean it.
I was just trying
to mean it too hard.
Things have changed now.
So, you don't wanna
sleep with me?
Fine.
We'll just share the flat.
You'll have to back
up your ideas though.
Do your own cookin'.
Gee, I really think you should
try to find somewhere
else to live.
Does this hurt you?
Yeah.
Why, why do you want to
stay if this hurts you?
You just take the
blows, don't ya?
Don't worry about me.
I'll be all right.
I just won't get no trim.
Gee, I really don't think
we can share this flat.
We'd drive each other crazy.
Oh, God.
[Gee] Don't jump on
me when you get tusty.
[laughing]
Look, I just think
it would be better
if I just go and stay at
my brother's tonight, okay?
I'll talk to you about
this in the morning.
Little dog twitchin'
already, is it?
[exhaling] Don't
flatter yourself.
[Gee] You're the
one that's going.
[Saffron] Oh, Leslie.
[Leslie] I'm sorry.
[Saffron] What happened?
[Leslie] I can't find my keys.
It's okay.
What happened?
Oh, my God, what's
happened to your nose?
I'm sorry.
It's all right, let me.
Okay, okay, what,
who did that to you?
I'll find my keys.
What's it look?
Okay, I'll find your keys.
-Um, where, where?
-Broken.
What happened?
What happened to you?
Broke my bloody glasses.
Broke my bloody glasses.
Okay, here's your keys.
Here's your keys.
What happened?
What happened?
Leslie, what happened?
Where's the keys?
I haven't got the.
It's all right.
I've got the keys.
-Just switch the light on.
-No.
Where's the keys?
Yes, here, it's okay.
It's here, Leslie.
Do you want a cup of tea?
They won't go in now.
They twisted the arm.
Do you want to go
to the hospital?
No.
It's my elbow.
I hurt my elbow.
[Saffron] Do you want
to go to the hospital?
No.
Did somebody hit you?
I'm sorry.
[Saffron] Don't apologise.
Somebody hit me.
[Saffron] Why did they hit you?
I don't know what
you're supposed to do.
Did you get in the way?
No, I didn't get in the way.
I'm all right.
Look, I can be worried
about you, can't I?
I'm bloody furious with him.
Who was it?
Some guy just head butted
me for no reason at all.
Why?
'Cause I'm a prat.
Who thinks you're a prat?
You think I'm a prat.
Julia thinks I'm a prat.
When have I ever
said you're a prat?
Ow.
It's good for it.
Don't, ow.
What does it look like?
You look like Rudolph.
What are you supposed to do?
Look, come on, take
your jacket off.
No, don't 'cause it hurts.
No, look, we have to check
it out, see it's okay.
It's rare.
I know.
I'll be really, really gentle.
Be careful.
[Saffron] I'm
trying, I'm trying.
Oh.
Okay, that's it.
That's it, that's it, great.
I can't see anything.
-Can you bend it?
-No.
I'll be all right.
It'll be all right in a minute.
Oh, you're really nice.
Thanks.
It's okay.
Why are you so nice?
[laughing] I don't know.
'Cause my mum and
dad made me nice.
Oh, what a night.
You're telling me.
You'd better go upstairs.
I don't want Gee comin'
down and beatin' me up.
I don't know what
you're supposed to do.
Everyone else knows what to do.
I don't.
About what?
Well, you wouldn't go out
with someone you
don't like, would you?
[Saffron] There's enough choice.
That's what women do, isn't it?
They say they like you,
and then the next
minute they go out
with someone they
say they didn't like.
You try to be nice and polite,
and then they prefer
it if you're rude.
And they play all those games
where you're supposed to
pretend you don't like them.
And if you said something like
whatever, and they said, no,
how do you know
when they say, no,
whether they mean no or yes.
And you read all these books,
and when they say no,
you're raping 'em.
So, then you say, they
say, no, and you say, okay.
And then later on, they
said they didn't mean no.
I said yes,
and it was your fault for
not taking the initiative.
Well, maybe you shouldn't ask.
Maybe you should just
kiss 'em or something.
You can't just go
around kissing people.
I do.
It's bullock sweeping sweet
people off their feet.
If someone came up to you,
say I were to kiss you now,
you'd just say, fuck off,
and we'd never talked
to each other again.
You have to learn to
read the body language.
Look, if you're sitting
next to someone, okay.
-Ow.
-Sorry.
And you touch them like that.
If they like it,
they touch back.
I knew someone at work.
I thought she hated me.
And then someone
said, she liked me.
And I said, all right.
So, I told her I liked her,
and then she didn't like me.
She said she liked me
when I didn't like her.
So you fall in love first,
and then you ask them out.
You know, maybe,
maybe it's better
there's not so much at stake.
Well, it's better
not to be in love.
That's it, isn't it?
That's the truth.
That's it.
Sex is better if you
don't love someone.
'Cause if you want good sex,
it's better if there
isn't any love or respect.
And all these men who
have all these women,
they don't actually like 'em.
That's the truth, isn't it?
[gentle piano music]
I do.
See, I like women.
I really like them.
I think they're beautiful.
I think you're a
beautiful, fantastic race.
I much prefer to be with
you then any old men.
It's bloody outrageous
just to hit someone
when they're dancing.
I'm sorry, but.
You ought to go to bed.
It's quarter past 12.
Ah, three o'clock
in the morning.
I thought you said
quarter past 12.
It was my fault.
I hit his girlfriend.
I was just dancing like you do.
No, you do.
Where was it?
I was at that club
you told me about.
What, the Subway?
Aw, no.
I've got to get in the loo.
I'm desperate. [sighing]
[car horn honking]
[toilet flushing]
Can I stay here tonight?
Do you want to sleep in my bed?
No, you can't sleep here.
Your body's all hurt.
[Leslie] Saffron?
[gentle piano music]
[light switch clicking]
[Man] 100% happy.
Hey.
* Testing, testing,
one, two, one two *
* In the place to be *
I just spent half the
night on Leslie's sofa.
What were you doin'
on Leslie's sofa?
He was on the doorstep.
Some stupid guy beatin'
him up at the Subway Club.
What's he doin' at
the Subway Club?
[Saffron] Dancing.
Leslie dancing? [laughing]
Oh, I'm so tired.
I'm gonna have to go to bed.
We'll talk later.
[Gee] Saff, Saff?
Hmm?
I poured you a cup of tea.
Oh, thanks.
Does Leslie know the guy that
beat him up down at Subway?
Oh, no, don't get involved.
Leslie can fight
his own battles.
He's okay.
[bed creaking]
What are you doing?
Oh, it's cold, baby.
Give us a little cuddle.
Just to get me warm.
No, look, I don't think
this is a good idea, okay?
Things are different now.
I'll just lie beside ya.
I promise no tustiness.
What's the point?
We're not together
anymore, okay?
Get used to it.
Look, it's just a one off.
Now, go to sleep.
Forget I'm here.
[laughing] It's
very easy to forget
you've got a six foot
black man in your bed
with just his pants on.
Oh, you can't have it
like it used to be.
Get used to it.
You can't tell anyone.
What's the point?
You're just making it
worse for yourself.
Think about you.
Oh, come on, Gee, come on.
Get out of my bed.
I wanna go to sleep.
I've got no clothes on.
Well, listen, come on.
Don't be silly.
I've seen you before.
[Saffron] Get out of my bed.
Get out.
[Gee] I'm kind of cold.
[Saffron] No, stop.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna let this happen.
How can you be like this?
Because I'm strong.
Okay, you're strong.
No.
You say no a million times.
Every time a woman
says no, they mean yes.
Oh, come on.
Okay, okay, I'll go.
What?
[Gee] I lost my
button off my pants.
My button.
Gee.
[Gee] Oh, come on, babe.
I can't think of any more scams.
Oh, Gee.
Okay, you win, hooray.
You're the champion.
You win.
I lose.
I don't like this.
I wanna start again.
I'll do anything for you.
Oh.
I could even sing the blues.
I don't want you to.
My baby don't want me.
Oh, stop it.
I don't know what to do
'cause every time I hold her.
[Saffron laughing]
She just says no.
Shut up. [laughing]
I don't know what to do.
Stop it.
[mellow jazz music]
This doesn't mean that we're.
[bed creaking]
* Oh, you get me so excited. *
* Words can't begin to say *
* Your beauty makes
me breathless *
* Please ease my pain *
* Honey love me *
* The sensation's
so hard to explain *
* It's so good *
* It's so good *
* It's so good *
* It's oh so good *
* It's so good *
* It's so good *
* It's so good *
* It's oh so good *
Leslie Bliss, you
have two minutes
on the life and works of
G.K. Chesterton starting now.
What was Chesterton's
middle name?
-Keith.
-Correct.
Which great author did
Chesterton meet in 1900
who became a lifelong friend?
Pass.
[Game Show Host]
Whom did Chesterton
fall in love with and
marry in June 1901?
-Frances Blogg.
-Correct.
In his autobiography,
published in 1956,
what title did Chesterton give
to the chapter which he
dedicated to his father?
"The Man With the Golden Key."
[Game Show Host] Correct.
What popular comic verse
form did Chesterton invent
with Edmond Bentley
at St. Paul School?
-The Clerihew.
-Correct.
What is the nature of
the family business
run by Chesterton's father?
-Estate agents.
-Correct.
In "The Man Who Was Thursday,"
whom does Sunday expose?
-Tuesday.
-Correct.
On which friend's inner
intellectual qualities
did Chesterton base the
character Father Brown?
-O'Connor.
-Correct.
Who played the title
role in the 1954
British film "Father Brown"?
-Alec Guinness.
-Correct.
What was the content
of the alleged telegram
Chesterton sent to his wife
when he was on a lecture tour?
I'm in Market Harbour.
Where ought I to be?
[Game Show Host] Correct.
Which writer did
Chesterton describe
as the first great
Victorian I ever met?
-Thomas Hardy.
-Correct.
What was the name of the
poem Chesterton wrote
on the day he was received
into the Roman Catholic Church?
-"Convert."
-Correct.
Which architectural
feature, now demolished,
was the inspiration for "The
Napoleon of Notting Hill"?
The Woodworks tower
on Camden Hill.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
In "The Napoleon
of Notting Hill,"
Chesterton states
that, "The human race,
"to which so many of
my readers belong,
"has been playing at" what?
-Children's games.
-Correct.
In "The Three Tools of Death,"
what was the name of Sir
Aaron Armstrong's manservant?
-Ah, Magnus.
-Correct.
[people chuckling]
In which book did
Chesterton write,
"Journalism largely
consists in saying
"'Lord Jones is dead'
to people who never
"knew that Lord
Jones was alive"?
Pass.
[Game Show Host]
What was the name
of the publication
edited by his brother
which Chesterton
took over when Cecil
went to fight in the war?
"The New Witness."
[Game Show Host] Correct.
According to Chesterton's
poem, "The Song of Quoodle,"
what do the fallen
sons of Eve not have?
-Noses.
-Correct.
What's the title of
Chesterton's poem
with the lines, "The
villas and the chapels
"where I learned
with little labour
"the way to love my fellow man
"and hate my next
door neighbour"?
[alarm beeping]
I pass.
And at the end of that
specialised round,
Leslie Bliss, you
have scored 16 points.
[audience applauding]
You passed on three,
the great author
who became the life-long
friend of Chesterton
was, of course, Hilaire Belloc.
Hilaire Belloc.
[Game Show Host] Do
you remember that now?
Lisa, would you tell
him what I do please?
[Lisa] Ah, she
writes pornography.
[Julia laughing]
Dirty books.
Filthy little books.
Seriously?
Yeah.
So, what do you do?
Nothing as adventurous as you.
I'm into property.
Really, are you?
What kind of property?
[gentle soft rock music]
[audience applauding]
[Game Show Host] May I have
our next contender please?
[Saffron] Okay, she met
him at a party, right?
[Band Member] Yeah.
[Saffron] And they liked
each other's smiles.
They had a bit too much to drink
and staggered for a while.
But he was suave,
and she was pretty.
And it almost felt
a pity that she must
go back to Brighton on the
last train from the city.
[Band Member] Yeah.
He looked at her straight
in the eye and said,
"Why don't you stay?
"We could maybe drink some wine,
"have some fun and play."
Yeah.
She said, "Okay."
Yeah, I'll bet she did.
* Cause I want to
get inside you *
* Want to feel your very soul *
* There are mysteries
deep inside you *
* That I really want to know *
* If you're ready for
a state of bliss *
* And want to lose control *
* I'll reveal to
you your secrets *
* And it will not hurt at all *
-They talked so much.
-Yeah?
They laughed so much.
It wasn't very soon before
a more intimate touch
signalled another move.
He took her back to his place,
and he kissed her at the door.
He asked her if she trusted him
as they sank onto the floor.
Whoa.
They ripped each
other's clothes off.
He put a hand on her breast.
He was getting more
and more excited
as he put her to the test.
He looked at her, straight
in the eye, and said,
"When I'm inside you, I want
to feel that I'm inside you.
-"I want to feel, oh."
-Ah.
[laughing]
She said, "Oh, yeah."
-I'll bet.
-Okay.
* Then he stood up and
went to the table *
* Poured some powder
out onto a mirror *
* And then he said
do you want bliss *
* I'll give you this *
* I am going to administer *
* A very small injection *
* To anesthesize the area *
* And to prevent infection *
Um, she was looking
rather doubtful.
He gave a reassuring
smile and said,
"Hey, I'm professional."
What?
You must trust me for a while.
What?
Now, I want to make a little
cut just below your navel.
Oh, my God.
Just big enough to fit my
hand around your pelvic floor.
With a handful of intestines,
with a finger on your liver.
I can feel me moving in you,
and I can feel you quiver.
* Cause I want to
get inside you *
* Want to feel your very soul *
* There are mysteries
deep inside you *
* That I really want to know *
* If you're ready for
a state of bliss *
* And want to lose control *
* I'll just slice
you with my scalpel *
* And it will not hurt at all *
Well, she said, "Um,
yeah, that would be fine."
What?
She said, yeah?
But can I do that to you
after you've done it to me?
Too right.
He said, "Of course not.
"You don't have the training."
So, she looked at him
straight in the eye and said,
"Goodbye."
Yeah, I'm outta here now.
And, listen to this, right?
Yeah?
She walked down the hall,
and she slammed the
door behind her.
And she was out in the
street, and she could hear him
calling after her.
* I want to get inside you *
* Cause I want to
get inside you *
* Want to feel your very soul *
* There are mysteries
deep inside you *
* That I really want to know *
* If you're ready for
a state of bliss *
* And you want to lose control *
* I'll reveal to
you your secrets *
* And it will not hurt at all *
Guys you meet at parties, right?
Sure, I've heard
that one before.
So, um, what party did you
meet him at? [laughing]
What's his name?
[both laughing]
I'm not gonna give you his name.
Oh, shucks.
It was in south London.
Oh.
[both laughing]
[Saffron] You
don't want to know.
[both laughing]
wooden flute music]
For there is good
news yet to hear
and fine things to be seen
before we go to paradise
by way of Kensal Green.
[mellow jazz music]
There he is.
23.
George Cruikshank.
Where is James Barry?
James Barry, 43.
43.
43.
Jame Barry.
Dr. James Barry couldn't marry
because she wasn't a he.
R.I.P.
[traffic noise]
* Taste it, you'll
see it's cruel *
* It starts with just
two usual fools *
* Who begin to
think they're safe *
* But their hearts
have found complaint *
* And cynical reviews of love *
* Make it easier to fall *
[people chattering]
* Make it easier to fall *
* It'll be all right,
all right tonight *
Excuse me.
Have you got a
light by any chance?
Do you see me smokin'?
You look like a smoker.
[laughing]
-[mellow New Age music]
-[people chattering]
What's your date of birth?
January 20th.
Capricorn.
Was is that, a goat?
-Yeah.
-Yeah [laughing].
What does it mean?
Disciplined, dedicated, and
quick to seize an opportunity.
That's right.
-Is that right?
-Uh huh.
What are you?
I'm Virgo.
[laughing]
* What once was love
becomes content *
* And the end is heaven sent *
[car engine humming]
[woman laughing]
[people chattering]
[car door banging]
[car door banging]
[Saffron laughing]
Leslie.
[knocking]
[people chattering]
-Hi.
-Hi.
Sorry.
Leslie, you didn't stay.
Was it really crap?
No, no, I thought it
was the best one yet.
Yeah?
You didn't think it
was too pretentious
with the sofa and everything?
My brother said we had to
look like we were on smack.
I thought that was a bit stupid.
[muffled techno music]
Um, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Um, well, I mean, everyone's
coming up for a drink.
Oh, that's fine.
That's all right.
Well, no, no, no.
Why don't you come up as well?
No, I can't.
Oh, come on, Leslie.
Come have some fun.
Okay, I'll come.
I'll just come for
a couple of minutes.
Okay, I'll see you in a bit.
Okay.
[mellow acoustic guitar music]
Yeah?
[woman laughing]
[people chattering]
[Gee] What do you
do for a living?
[Julia] I write porn.
Yeah, well, and I'm
a male stripper.
I do.
I write porn.
I write erotic
literature for women.
-It's true.
-Yeah.
Oh, Leslie, hi.
Sorry.
Hi, what would
you like to drink?
Sorry, I didn't bring anything.
That's fine.
Beer, wine?
Beer.
Okay.
[people chattering]
Um, you know
everybody, don't you?
Oh, look, this is Gee.
Gee, this is Leslie.
He lives downstairs.
All right, mate.
This is Julia.
-This is Leslie.
-Hi.
Leslie knows everything
you'd ever want to know
about Notting Hill, right?
Ask him about the cemetery.
It is so cool.
Okay?
Twist top, mate.
Excuse me.
Bye.
Are you an undertaker?
No.
What birth sign are ya?
[laughing] Hi, I'm
Larry, and I'm Aquarius.
So, you're Aquarius,
and your name's Larry.
You know.
* Float, float on *
What do you do in
the civil service?
What do I do?
Um, I'm tryin' to
think what I do.
Um, I'm an SEO.
[laughing] What's an SEO?
It's a Senior Executive Officer.
Ah, that sounds grand.
It's a dying grade.
How long have you been doing it?
12 years.
Only another 25 to go.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
You're gonna be in the
same job for 37 years?
I've started so I'll finish.
I'm serious.
What birth sign are ya?
[Saffron] Pisces.
-Ah, the fish.
-Mmm hmm.
Emotional, don't know
where you're goin'.
Don't know what you want.
I know exactly what I want.
Nobody believes me.
Yes, that's what I do.
Well, I'll have
to read one then.
What's you name?
Julia Beresford,
but I write under the
name Simone Marcel.
[laughing]
Actually, I'm married.
You up for an affair?
I'm not with him anymore.
Mmm, could be your lucky day.
Thackeray, Blondin,
Mayhew, Cruikshank.
Do you know James Barry?
J. M. Barry, yes, is he there?
No, James Barry.
Oh, Dr. James Barry.
Yes, I know him,
her, him. [laughing]
That's the woman who
dressed up as a man
so she could be a doctor, yes?
So, he, she's there.
He's there.
You ought to go and,
you ought to go there.
Well, why don't we go now?
Do you often go to graveyards
at half past one in the morning?
I can't think of a better time.
Well, we could go to
a club if you like.
We'd have to find something
rubber for you to wear.
Have you got anything rubber
you could slip on? [laughing]
This is what we do, okay?
You have your hands here,
and I have my hands here.
And you just walk around
in a circle, okay?
Just like that.
[laughing] We used to
do this when we were 12.
[Gee] And you're
still doin' it now.
Jesus Christ.
So silly.
You did it.
I can't be doin' this.
I'm a big man, you
know what I'm sayin'?
Yeah.
Follow me.
Let me give you some yard style.
Okay.
Follow me, just follow me.
Okay.
Yeah.
How's that feel?
Yeah, I can feel that.
Would you like to see my flat?
Why, what's in your flat?
Coffee.
Coffee?
Yes, I'd love some coffee.
[laughing]
[mellow New Age music]
It's a bit drab.
It's very nice.
[Leslie] Do you want coffee?
I've still got some
wine left, thanks.
There's an awful lot of
Chesterton on your shelves.
[Leslie] He's my passion.
Are you a Catholic?
[Leslie] No.
[Julia] It's a bit
dull, isn't it?
No, he's brilliant.
I've only read Father Brown.
Then you should read "The
Napoleon of Notting Hill."
Where's your toilet?
Just, follow me.
That door there.
It's a bit, um.
[light switch clicking]
[cd case clicking]
[gentle piano music]
[breath huffing]
I think it's a bit
late for the graveyard.
Don't you ever go there to fuck?
Um, so, who's your favourite
author then of all time?
Of all time?
Ah, I don't know.
Toni Morrison,
Margaret Atwood, Doris
Lessing, Anais Nin.
All women.
Do you mind if I
change the music?
No, it's rubbish.
[wine glass clunking]
[cd case clicking]
[mellow piano music]
Do you want to dance?
* He needs me *
* He doesn't know
it, but he needs me *
* And so no matter
where he goes *
* Though he doesn't care *
* He knows that I'm there *
* He needs me *
Oh.
Did you feel it?
What?
I just got an electric
shock from static.
Sorry.
We're not going to
the graveyard then?
I've got to work in the morning.
Oh, have you?
How selfish of me.
I should let you get to bed.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's really nice talking to you,
and, well, you can
stay here if you want.
No, I don't think so.
[Leslie] Well, I
can phone you a cab.
Actually, I prefer to walk.
Well, I'll walk you home.
I quite like walking
alone at this hour.
It's just a shame
to break it up.
Can I call you?
Yes, of course.
Well, I haven't got your.
I'll get a pen.
It's okay.
Saffie's got my number.
Well, are you sure
you'll be all right?
I'll be fine.
All the best.
* Just as he *
* Needs me *
Bloody hell.
Leslie Bliss.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
-Hello?
-Hi.
Saffron, it's Leslie.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Oh, hi.
[Leslie] I just wondered.
What time is it?
Ah, six, six minutes past three.
[Saffron] Oh, oh.
Sorry.
[Saffron] It's okay.
Um,
you know at the party, um,
there was a girl
who was a writer.
[Saffron] Uh huh.
I promised I'd phone her,
and I just wondered if,
she said you might
have her number.
Ah, oh, Julia?
Oh, yeah, wait, hold on.
[pages crinkling]
Are you there?
Hello?
Oh, yeah, 2-2-9-6-2-9-7, okay?
Okay.
Thank you.
-Sorry to bother you then.
-Okay, bye.
All the best.
[phone clattering]
Hello, do I know you?
No more, button.
He's out.
[laughing]
Yes.
[phone ringing]
Ah.
Hello?
[Leslie] Hello, can I speak
to Julia BBeresford please?
Speaking.
Hello, this is the man
from the other night.
Who?
It's Leslie from the party.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry to phone you.
Saffron gave me your number.
I just wondered if
you'd like to come out
to dinner on Friday night.
No, I'm sorry I can't.
I'm working on Friday.
Oh.
Well, what about
next week sometime?
Oh, you're the man who knows
all about the
graveyard, aren't you?
Yes, do you still
want to take me?
Um, yeah, when would
you like to go?
[Julia] Now. [laughing]
What, this evening?
Yes, why not?
Well, it's shut now, I'm afraid.
Well, good.
We can climb over the wall.
Do you, would you like to go
for something to eat instead?
Sorry, I can't.
I'm actually meeting
some people later,
but we could take some
champagne. [laughing]
Well, shall I come over now,
and I'll bring some champagne?
[Julia] [laughing] Okay.
Well, I'll see you in
what, half an hour?
Yeah, I've just got
a few calls to make.
Right, okay, see you then, bye.
Bye.
Oh, God, and a bloody cemetery.
Oh, that's great, great.
We'll do the cemetery.
[phone clattering]
Hello?
Half an hour.
[stuff clattering]
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
[toothbrush whooshing]
[water gurgling]
I don't know anything about her.
I don't know anything about her.
[mellow soft rock music]
It's not gonna work out either.
Right, just enjoy yourself.
Oh, hey.
[Leslie] Saffron,
can I have a word?
Yeah, sure, come in.
Leslie, how you doin', mate?
Hi.
You're obviously busy.
I'll, some other.
Very busy.
Some other time.
Oh, no, Leslie, it's okay.
Just sit down, okay?
Sorry.
Sorry.
[Saffron] It's okay.
Um, you know that woman Julia?
[Saffron] Mmm hmm.
What do you know about her?
I just went to school
with her sister.
She's about 34.
She's a writer.
Is she with anyone?
Well, well, you know me.
Oh, no, Leslie.
Oh, no, no, don't, okay?
Um, look, she's,
she's a bit scary.
She's dangerous.
Why, why is she scary?
Um, why's she scary?
Um, she's outrageous.
She makes me laugh.
Well, why did you
say she was scary?
Well, she drinks a lot.
Was she drunk last night, yeah.
When I phoned her, she
didn't know who I was.
Oh, well, she smokes
a lot of dope.
She drinks a lot.
She works nights.
Well, I really like her.
She comes from a nice family.
You know, her brother
makes furniture.
Um, look, it might be fun,
but just be careful, okay?
It can be fun to be with
somebody who's really nice.
Look, why don't we just all
go for a drink or something?
What, the three of us?
No, I could bring Gee.
Who's Gee?
Oh, right, you're
stripper bloke.
[laughing]
So, you think she's dangerous?
Oh, no, oh, no, well,
you balance each
other out, I suppose.
Why don't I just phone her, and.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can look after myself.
Don't worry.
Leslie, look, Leslie,
if you want to see her,
then you should.
It's not as if you're
gonna marry her.
Just relax.
I should never have asked you.
But, I mean, how else do
people get together, okay?
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Just, I might ring her up.
Yeah, I don't wanna
go out with her.
Just eat it.
Forget about it.
Don't phone her.
I shouldn't have asked you.
-It's okay.
-Sorry.
-No.
-Okay.
But thanks, sorry.
Okay.
[Julia laughing]
[Julia] Give me the booze.
You'll drop it.
I think they've got dogs
here for security and that.
Don't be silly.
They're not gonna have dogs
around with all these bones.
And this is quite
good spot actually.
Do you wanna sit on my?
Do you wanna sit on my mack?
Have you ever done this
in a graveyard before?
Where are all the famous people?
Everywhere.
You don't have to whisper.
[cork popping]
Oh.
Don't worry.
You'll draw people to us.
Have you got that
joint I gave you?
Um, sorry.
There.
Are you scared?
No, no, I just don't
like breaking the law.
It's not what I
expect to be doing.
You should always
do the unexpected.
That way when you're six
feet under like this lot,
at least you'll have
lived a full life.
Are you comfortable?
So, do you believe in ghosts?
Yes, I, what's that?
What?
That.
-All right, so.
-[Julia laughing]
I knew you were gonna
do somethin' like that.
It's incredible.
I've never met anyone like you.
You're the one who's
supposed to be scared.
I'm supposed to be
looking after you.
[Julia laughing]
There's Blondin over there.
[Julia] He's probably
escaped by now.
That was Houdini.
Blondin was the acrobat.
Blondin was the one that
went over Niagara Falls
on a tightrope.
He did it, well, about
four or five times.
He went over it on a tightrope,
and then he went blindfold.
And then, then, he went
and with a man on his back.
And then he did it on stilts.
And then, he went over,
and he stopped and cooked
an omelette and ate it.
And that's Wilkie
Collins is just.
And that's Mulready,
who was the first man
to invent the envelope.
[Julia laughing]
What?
This is one of my
favourite all time places.
Not very exciting though, is it?
[Leslie] Well, were you
hoping you'd get arrested?
[laughing] Yes, I was.
I'm rather
disappointed actually.
Here I am being
taken advantage of.
Oh, I'm taking
advantage of you, am I?
You're doing research on
me for one of your books.
[laughing]
-[phone ringing]
-[Leslie gasping]
[laughing]
Are we all fixed?
You all fixed?
Hello?
Hello, Lisa. [laughing]
No, no, no, no, you just,
you just scared this
poor man out of his wits.
[laughing]
Well, yes, yeah, okay,
I'll describe him.
Okay, he's tall, and
he's good looking.
And he's got far too
many muscles [laughing].
Yeah, okay, hang on, hang on.
Lisa wants to speak to you.
Hello, Lisa.
No, it's just me, I'm afraid.
[Julia] What did she ask you?
She said, "Have you
got any brothers?"
[laughing] Hello?
I know.
I know.
Oh, right, oh, right, okay.
What, in half an hour?
Yeah, okay.
All right, I'll see you.
Okay, bye.
[phone beeping]
Listen, I'm sorry, Leslie.
I've got to go.
A friend in need and all that.
[gentle piano music]
Could you, um, show me the way?
[Leslie] Yeah, is she all right?
Yeah, she's fine, but I've
gotta get to Finsbury Park.
[Leslie] Well, let me go first.
[Julia] Yes, if you would.
[Leslie] Sorry, hey.
Just, over here.
Do you wanna?
Have you got time
for something to eat?
[Julia] I'm afraid not, no.
Of course the 8:10
never turned up, did it?
Surprise, surprise.
Jimmy's nice little
joke in the timetable.
The train never arriving
at platform three
will be the ghost train
to Liverpool Street.
[laughing]
By the time the 8:30 arrived,
you had half the town of
Essex tryin' to get on it.
So, we wait another 20 minutes.
Stucker, could have given
me a pass to stop there,
15 minutes.
Signal failure.
[phone ringing]
Right then, I said, oh, my.
They've gotta cancel the train.
Make us late for work.
[paper crinkling]
[gentle piano music]
Mind the girl, man.
Hello.
[Saffron] Oh, hi.
-Need a hand?
-Oh, yeah, thanks.
Ooh, it's heavy.
Is this for the band?
No, it's Gee's stuff.
He's moving in.
Great.
Well, Harriet's moved out.
I had to have someone
to pay the rent.
Might as well snug
him as well, eh?
Mind the stuff.
Hiya.
[sighing]
[muffled techno music]
Yes, and to all the
people out there,
we are locked into
58 Chesterfield Road
with Great Gainer
and his Mrs. Saffron.
[Gee talking]
I'm tellin' a story.
I manipulate the audience.
Let 'em hear what I
wanna 'em to hear.
Check what I'm sayin'?
Look, listen, you've got a
demolition man, all right?
Oh, yeah, demolition,
great story.
And he's goin' down to mash down
this woman's ass, all right?
You know, her period, all right?
It so happens, this
man is a batsman,
and this woman she's a
spin bowler, all right?
[laughing] They play cricket.
No, look, some women
are spin bowlers,
and some women are
seamers, all right?
Now, see me, I'm
an opening batsman.
So, if you come with
any spin bowling,
I'll just bat you
into the covers.
[muffled techno music]
Hey, what's this?
Tea.
You ain't got no sugar in it.
[Saffron] Oh, we ran out.
Pop out and get some, love.
I can't drink this
with no sugar.
What, at this time of night?
Just go down to 7-Eleven.
Just on Grove.
Make me.
I'll do a special mix for ya.
And when you get back, you
can say hello to the captain.
Cheers, love.
Get some chocolate, yeah?
And some chips,
cheese and onion.
* So in love with
you ooo ooo ooo *
[muffled music]
[sniffling]
[Julia] I loved him very much.
[Gee] He was such a great guy.
[Julia] And this is
your favourite place.
-Julia Beresford?
-Yes.
[Delivery Person]
Some flowers for you.
Oh, right.
Thanks.
[door clunking]
A friend of the cemetery.
Oh, God.
[glass clunking]
[train rumbling]
[Saffron laughing]
Oh, hi, Gee.
Hey.
What happened to the phone call?
Oh, I lost your number you know.
-Lost the number?
-Yeah.
So, what have you been up to?
Just hustling, man.
You know, just hustling.
Tryin' to pick up two
little pennies basically.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
All right, well,
now, keep in touch.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah?
I'lm sure I'll find it, yeah?
Yeah, exactly.
-Good day.
-Oh, excellent.
Why didn't you introduce
me to your friend?
I can't remember her name.
You know what I mean, babe?
[mellow jazz music]
Got all mashed.
I've gotta get a
drink or something.
-Okay.
-Yeah?
I'll see you there.
-All right.
-Okay.
Hey.
Oh, hi, how are you?
Well, how are you?
I'm fine.
Where have you been?
Shopping with Gee.
How much is the?
[Salesperson] 30 pounds.
3-0.
30 pounds, all right.
[Salesperson] Thank you.
-That's a nice one.
-Thank you.
He's sending me flowers now.
Oh, God, how sweet, isn't it?
It's not sweet.
And I have to put a stop to it.
[Saffron] Why?
He's a really nice guy.
Yes, I'm sure he is, but
look at him and look at me.
We're hardly suited, are we?
[Saffron] I just think
he's really interesting.
How long have you known him?
[Saffron] About two years.
[Julia] Is this
something that he does,
send people flowers?
I don't know.
He's never sent me flowers.
Well, I'm gonna have
to warn him off.
So, you don't want
Leslie's attention?
No, I don't.
I don't know what's underneath
his floorboards. [laughing]
I really like him.
I'd really like to
see him with someone.
[Julia] You have him then.
I'd drive him mad.
So, how about you?
I'm fine.
[Julia] What's going on?
He's moved in.
Saffie.
Already?
Yeah.
It's great.
I've got carpet burns
all down my back.
You hardly know him.
It's not a novelty fuck, is it?
Look, he's a really
nice guy, okay?
And, yeah, he does have
a big dick. [laughing]
[people chattering]
Honestly, it can't be that girl.
Leslie, say, man?
Hello.
Where are you going?
I was just going home.
I'll walk with ya.
Lisa, see you later, babe.
[car horn honking]
Did you cop all of it then?
Hey, don't blush, man.
No need to get embarrassed.
This is man to man.
What happened?
You dirty bastard.
You bedded her, didn't ya?
Jesus Christ, I knew
she was up for it.
She tried to check me
at the gig. [laughing]
Do you fancy Julia then?
Well, I wouldn't mind
gettin' in the crease
and going for blind
love and reckless,
but I'm into Saffron.
So, what's she like then?
She got a big virga?
When's the last time
you had your leg over?
Not as long as you think.
Phalax, you're bangin'
down the doors, mate.
It's just what you do when
they smash you in the mouth.
That only happens
in the movies, man.
Look, if you give off
that vulnerable vibe,
you get nowhere.
How'd you fancy her?
You just up for the trim,
or you wanna have her
cookin' and cleanin' for ya?
You see me and Saff?
I didn't have to do nothing.
I led her one on one,
and when I said go, she
was on me like a rash.
Don't do all the running, man.
It's no good for the ego.
Don't be on the
phone all the time,
and get some nice garms, man.
I mean, I've got nothing,
but I've got no
problem in that area.
Pick your head up, dread.
Jesus Christ, you look like you
just killed his old girl and
don't know what to do about it.
Women don't check
for that look, man.
Keep that look out, jack.
When you gonna get some
garms, I'll go with ya.
How much you spend
on clothes anyhow?
Nothing at the moment.
See, poor, man.
You gotta spend on yourself.
It's a matter of taste.
[laughing] When it comes
to taste, I'm your man.
You got the brains.
Offset that with the
garms and the scent.
Let her smell ya, man.
I'll bet you any money
that Julia well loves sex.
She wants it badly.
She must love it.
She's well up for it.
Guy, I tell ya.
She might be up for it.
She might not be
up for it with me.
[laughing] Geez.
Yo, yo, yo, hold
it, hold it, Leslie.
Sunday, sort your life out.
Lock in at Grow FM
on 105.8 FM stereo
from six 'til eight
for your main man,
the Double Gee, the vinyl shift.
Yours truly.
Hey, I've got the keys.
[gentle piano music]
I don't want your
garms, actually.
I have to listen to
your music pounding
through my ceiling
day and night.
Now, he expects me to
listen to him on the radio.
A bloody nightmare.
I don't want her to smell me.
Just, just the kind of man
Julia would find totally
repulsive, and me.
In fact, all women find
you totally repulsive.
[muffled techno music]
[sighing]
Oh, God.
You're locked into brother
band's Garage Machine
with me, Great Gainer,
Double Gee, the vinyl shift
right through 'til
eight o'clock.
And have I got a feast for ya.
I'm cookin' right now
on my music stove.
It's Robin S. and
"I Wanna Thank Ya."
* I wanna thank you,
heavenly Father *
* For shining your light on me *
* You sent the Son, one
who really loves me *
* I owe my thanks to you *
* I know it wouldn't
have happened *
* Without your love *
Rubbish.
Where did you learn
to do all this?
When I was a kid, my mother
used to shout me out.
Gregory, go inside
and cook my food.
Still when I look
back, I'm grateful
'cause I learned something.
I know how to take care of
myself, you know what I mean?
I do know how to feed
myself, you know?
What?
Pasta, lettuce, Weetabix.
Poor people's food.
Who used to do the cookin'
at your house then, your mum?
Mmm hmm.
So, when your dad
came home from work,
you put the food
on the table then?
Sometimes.
Ah, not like her
lazy daughter then.
Check this out.
Look at me.
I'm a big strapping geezer,
and I'm cookin' the food
while my missus is watchin' me.
I'm not watching.
I'm drawing.
What would you do
if I weren't here?
I'd be drawing the next guy.
Feisty bitch.
I should come over there
and bop you on your nose.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Instead I'm comin'
over to get ya.
[laughing]
[Game Show Host] Which chemical
element has the symbol S?
Sulphur.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
Which river rises in
the Tibetan Himalayas
and flows through
northwest India
to merge with the
Ganges in Bangladesh?
[Contestant] Pass.
[Game Show Host] Which
work by Franz Kafka
tells the story of a
man who had changed
into a giant insect?
[Contestant] "The Fly."
[Game Show Host]
No, "Metamorphosis."
[Leslie chuckling]
In September 1759
in which battle
fought on a plateau in Quebec
did Wolfe defeat the
French under Montcalm?
-Heights of Abraham.
-Heights of Abraham.
[Saffron humming]
[Gee] What are you doin'?
Just working on a song.
[Gee] What's it about?
It's about a girl who
meets a nutter at a party.
[Gee] What are
you gonna call it?
I don't know.
I thought I might
call it "Bliss."
[Gee laughing]
Come do the rune stones, babe.
[Saffron] No, I'm doin' this.
Come on, it could inspire ya.
Saffie, come on.
No, I'm busy, okay?
Hey, lady, glide over here now.
Come on now.
Gee, I just wanna
finish this, okay?
Now, I'm not gonna stop
until you come over here.
Come on.
-I can feel a bump comin' on.
-Gee.
I'm shakin', and my
head is twistin'.
And I'm aimin' for ya, lady.
Oh, God.
[audience applauding]
And now Margaret Jones please.
She's a civil servant.
Works as a writer/designer
with Benefits Agency
Publishing House.
Comes from Belfast.
Brought up in Liverpool.
Lives in Leeds.
Scored 15 points on the
life and works A.J. Monte
to be lying in second
place at the halfway stage.
Your general knowledge
questions are starting now.
Which author and illustrator
created Peter Rabbit,
Benjamin Bunny, and
Jemima Puddle-Duck?
Beatrix Potter.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
What name?
Gaze into the flame
of the candle.
Now, ask it a question
pertaining to your life.
-Right.
-Okay.
Pick out three runes.
Now, place them on the
table face down, yeah?
[runes clattering]
[bag thumping]
All right, what was the
question you asked it?
Why can't I write my
song when I want to?
[sighing] Turn over
the first rune.
A filler reversed.
"Now is not a time to be bound
"by old conditioning,
old authority.
"Consider not only
what will benefit you,
"but what will benefit
others and act according to
"the light you possess
now in your life
"because you may be
called upon to undertake
"a radical departure
from old ways.
"Total honesty is required.
"Otherwise, through negligence
or refusal to see clearly,
"you may cause pain to others
and damage to yourself.
[gentle piano music]
"Adaptability and skillful means
"are the methods to
cultivate at this time,
"and still you must wait
for the universe to act.
"Receiving this rune, remember,
"we do without doing, and
everything gets done."
Do you get what it means?
It means you got to get
out of your old ways.
You've got to adapt
to your partnership.
You wanted to find
out about your work,
about what song you was writin',
but that wasn't the
question you actually asked.
What you really asked was
what the situation was about,
the situation you're in.
Seriously, we have no
control over this at all.
It's just God or fate.
I'll tell you the
times when I wanted
to know what was
going on in my life,
I just had to consult the runes,
and they were there
for me, every time.
[gasping] Careful.
God, I'm really scared
I'm gonna cut you.
You won't cut me.
I trust you.
[razor scraping]
I'm really up for
this, you know?
What?
This situation.
So, don't fuck with me.
But it's great in the bath.
No, I'm serious.
I'm a jealous person.
What's mine is mine.
I know it might seem like
I'm on your case all the
time about the cooking
and the band and all that,
but it's just that
I care about ya.
And we're in this together.
Well, of course we are,
but you do have to understand
that I have my own
things to do, okay?
Like, when I want
to work on a song,
that's what I want to do.
The band is really
important to me.
I wouldn't try to stop you
doing what you want to do.
I'm not trying to stop you.
Good, 'cause you're
talking to girl
with a razor in her hand.
[gentle piano music]
Oh, what are you doin'?
-Oh.
-Yes?
Yeah?
Hmm, who's in charge now?
I am.
[mellow jazz music]
[gentle piano music]
[light switch clicking]
[Saffron groaning]
Gee.
Oh, it's five o'clock
in the morning.
I've got to get up at seven.
Gee.
I'll just look this up.
Listen, Saff.
[Saffron moaning]
Saff?
[Saffron moaning]
Saff?
[Saffron] Oh, look, so what?
It's just a dream.
Listen to what it says.
"If you're being chased
or attacked by a lion,
"you'll be warned to look
out for actual deceit
"or harmful trickery from
someone you have trusted."
[Saffron] Huh?
Well, you're the
only person I trust.
Oh, oh, oh, great.
Well, so, [laughing].
So, this is a dream
about me, is it?
Gee, what can I say to make
you believe that it's okay?
It's just a book.
The runes are just pebbles.
The stars are just stars, okay?
You're here in my bed, right?
Just see how it goes.
It's just a dream.
It's not real, okay?
Now, go back to sleep.
We'll talk about
it in the morning.
Go on, switch the lights off.
[gentle jazz music]
Come on.
[bed creaking]
[Gee] It was so real, babe.
Yeah, I know.
[Gee] I mean, I don't
know why I dreamed that.
It's all right, okay?
[Gee] It's hard to
get back in there.
I was on the way in there.
[mellow jazz music]
[Saffron sighing]
[drumbeat]
[trumpet herald]
[inspiring orchestral music]
Leslie Bliss, you have chosen
to answer questions
on why you have not
taken the plunge
with Julia Beresford.
You have two minutes
starting now.
What is Julia
Beresford's pen name?
[Leslie] Simone Marcel.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
In "Loretta's Web,"
the character Marie
wears a veil of mourning.
What single item of clothing
does her chauffer wear?
[Leslie] A blindfold.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
Would you read a Simone
Marcel novel in public?
Yes.
[Game Show Host]
No, the answer's no.
What is a difference
between Simone Marcel
and Julia Beresford?
Pass.
[Game Show Host] What one thing
do all Simone Marcel
novels have in common?
[Leslie] The plot.
[Game Show Host] No, sex.
You last saw Julia Beresford
across a market stall
in Porta Bella Road.
Does she actually
remember who you are?
I'm gonna pass.
[Game Show Host] What
is Julia Beresford's
mobile phone number?
Um, could you repeat
the question please?
[Game Show Host] Stop the watch.
What if Julia Beresford
took you home, I wonder?
Start the watch.
Have you done anything
which would indicate
to Julia Beresford that you were
seriously interested
in a relationship?
Ah, please pass.
[Game Show Host] Do you
think Julia Beresford
actually cares for one
minute what you think?
Pass.
[Game Show Host] In
what circumstances.
[alarm beeping]
I'm started so I'll finish.
In what circumstances
would Julia Beresford
consider herself naked?
[Leslie] Um, with me?
[Game Show Host]
No, without makeup.
And at the end of that
round, Leslie Bliss,
you scored.
[head thumping]
[mellow soft rock music]
[mug clunking]
[sighing]
-Saff?
-Yeah?
Make us a cup of tea, will ya?
Yeah.
Oh, leave some money.
I'll get some food.
[cupboard door creaking]
I'm going to be late
tonight, remember?
I've got band practise.
[Gee] Oh, yeah, okay.
[mellow jazz music]
[kids chattering]
[traffic noise]
Oy.
What are you doing?
Watch where you're going.
[Leslie] Sorry, mate.
[Biker] You wanker.
[Delivery Person]
Miss Beresford?
Yes.
[Delivery Person]
Some flowers for you.
Oh, great, thanks.
[Delivery Person] There's
a package down here.
Have you seen it?
Oh, thank you very much.
-Thanks, okay.
-Bye bye.
[plastic crinkling]
[print banging]
[phone buttons beeping]
London, Bliss.
Hi.
[Bartender] What can I get ya?
Ah, two Bott bottles.
Not.
Oh, don't you like that?
Fine.
[Bartender] Here you go.
I'll pay, ah?
[Bartender] 3.40 please.
It's quite nice, isn't it?
L-O-T-T.
There's lots of mobile phones.
I've got a mobile phone, Leslie.
I just.
[people laughing]
[people chattering]
I think we'd better
go back upstairs.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
So, I think we just
have to stay here and,
oh, there's a table over there.
I'll keep an eye out, and
I'll swoop if they're.
So, how's the writing going?
-Are you?
-Oh, it was great.
I delivered one today.
That's why I went
to the sanctuary.
I was celebrating.
I have to read this one then.
[Julia] What, you've
read one of my books.
Really, which one?
"Purple Fever."
So, what did you think?
Did it turn you on?
Ah, it's for women, isn't it?
[Julia] Men read
them too, Leslie.
You haven't answered
my question.
What question?
Well, did it turn you on?
I haven't done my job
very well then, have I?
What does turn you on?
I mean seriously, what
do you fantasise about
when you masturbate?
How do you know I masturbate?
I don't know anyone who doesn't.
How old are you, Leslie?
35.
Why?
Are you a virgin?
[Leslie] No. [clearing throat]
So, when was the last
time you had sex?
Ah, six.
[Julia] What, days?
Months, decades? [laughing]
Months.
Months, months?
[Leslie] What about you?
Six weeks.
Does he still?
No, it was a one night stand.
Don't actually
remember who he was.
Actually, I don't remember
whether we fucked or not
to be honest. [laughing]
That good, huh? [laughing]
I can't shock you at all, can I?
[sighing] Nothing seems
to worry you, does it?
Do you need another drink?
No.
I tell you what.
Why don't we just
get back to my place?
If you want me to.
I just invited you, Leslie.
I wouldn't have done
that if I didn't
want you to come, now, would I?
No.
Ah, Jesus.
Shit, oh, fuck.
[groaning]
Aw, fuck.
Ah.
[foot stomping]
* Then he stood up and
went to the table *
* Poured some powder
onto a mirror *
* And then he said
do you want bliss *
* I'll give you this *
* I'm going to adventure *
Hang on, hang on, hang
on, hang on, hang on.
Saff?
What?
Saff, look, we can't
do this if you're just,
you know, if you're not gonna
put something into it, right?
Well, I can't hear,
I can't hear myself.
I hear you.
[everyone laughing]
There's this loud
sort of buzzing sound.
[Band Member] Yeah,
it's called music.
It's the same for
everyone, isn't it?
I'm not, I'm sorry,
I can't do this.
[microphone feedback]
What's wrong with you?
I'm just really tired.
I'm really sorry.
I can't concentrate.
I might as well just go, okay?
I'm sorry.
You can do stuff
without me, all right?
I'll go too.
I'd like to go.
Look, Harry.
We can't do anything
without you.
Oh, shut up.
Don't give me a hard time, okay?
Um, is that what you're gonna
wear when we're playing?
I know, Harry.
I look like a
fucking leprechaun.
All right, just fuck off.
[gentle guitar strum]
* I'm just mad about Saffron *
* Saffron's mad about me *
Kiss my hand.
What do you want to do now?
Well, what would
you like to do now?
No, you have to tell
me what you want.
Well, I'd like to
make love with you.
Do you mean make love,
or do you mean sex?
I can do one.
I can't do the other.
Well, which one can you do?
We can have sex if
you want, Leslie.
If that's the way it's gotta be.
[Julia] Is this
really what you want?
Yep.
Right.
Is this what you normally do?
Yes.
Do you want me to wear a jerks?
Yes.
So, I'm quite
responsible really.
Leslie, [sighing] I can't
give you what you want.
I'm trying to be
honest with you.
This is gonna make you feel bad.
I don't do this.
I go out, and I bring
back some bloke,
but I don't wanna know
anything about him.
Well, you don't have to
know anything about me.
I don't believe this.
Why do you want to be here?
Because I'm in love with you.
I think you're beautiful.
I'd marry you tomorrow.
Oh, God.
That's not real
life, now, is it?
You don't know me.
How can you say that?
I'm not in love with you,
and I'm not going to marry you.
Well, I can understand that.
Well, it doesn't
have to affect you.
It's my problem.
It's me.
I think we should have sex then.
Just, can.
Can I kiss you?
Yes.
Kiss me.
I think you're very beautiful.
Can I put him inside you?
Yeah.
Am I hurting you?
I don't wanna hurt you.
[Julia] No, yeah, that's right.
[groaning]
Ah, you look beautiful.
[gentle piano music]
Oh, God, I got.
I've got my watch
stuck in your hair.
I'm sorry.
[moaning]
I love you.
I love you.
[Leslie breathing]
I'm sorry.
I'm not.
Sorry.
Do you want a tissue?
No, I'm fine.
[door clunking]
[pins clattering]
[light switch clicking]
[gentle piano music]
Do you wanna eat now?
Gee, I told you.
I had a band practise.
You needn't have gone
to so much trouble.
What's happened?
I phoned.
They said you weren't there.
What have you done to your hand?
My God.
Why are you checking up on me?
Cut it with a bread knife.
How?
Cuttin' the onion.
I really resent you
checking up on me.
You knew exactly where I was.
[Gee] They said
you left ages ago.
Where did you go?
I just had to be somewhere else.
I needed to be by myself.
I was worried about ya.
Anything could've
happened to you out there.
I'm sorry if you were worried.
I just didn't feel like phoning.
I'm sorry.
Look, Gee,
I think I want this to stop.
So do I.
I've made you something
really special.
No, you're not listening.
I said, I want this to stop.
I made a mistake.
I'm sorry.
[light switch clicking]
So, my dream was right.
What?
I thought about it.
Now, it all seems
to fit into place.
Okay, yes, I went to a club.
I screwed three guys,
and I threw up in a taxi.
How dare you put
all the blame on me.
[mellow jazz music]
[traffic noise]
I want reasons 'cause
I'm not happy with this.
What can I say to make
you happy with the fact
that I don't want to
be with you anymore?
Because we can't
talk to each other,
because you make me feel stupid.
Reasons, reasons,
I'll give you reasons.
Okay, reasons why I don't
want to be with Gee anymore.
This is what I did
at school today.
I can't believe this.
You planned it.
One, he keeps me in a prison.
Two, I have no
separate life from him.
How can you say this?
You got a band.
Three, I have to
pay for everything.
Four, he orders me around.
Five, he wants me to be a wife.
Six, he wants me to
be things I never was,
tidy, responsible.
What is wrong with that?
Seven, he wants complete
control of my life.
Eight, he's jealous.
Nine, he's possessive.
10, I'm not gonna
tell you that one.
11, I have to look after him,
make sure I don't offend him,
keep things smooth even when
I want to mess things up,
and work, and play,
and see friends.
12, I act like a
12-year-old with him.
13, he stimulates about
a quarter of my brain
but most of my body.
Is that enough?
14, I don't want to marry him.
15, I don't want to
have his children.
16, I care about him,
but I don't love him.
This is weird.
You don't wanna be with
me because I'm tidy.
[laughing]
The things I do for you, I
don't do for anybody else.
I told you I don't
want any friends.
I don't trust people.
I put all my trust into you.
Have you ever thought
that that might not
be other people's fault?
That it might be yours?
What is all this
macho crap anyway?
I put my trust in you, babe.
I didn't say babe.
We're going round
and round in circles.
There's no point in
talking about it anymore.
[sighing]
So, when you leavin' then?
Because I'm happy.
You're the one that wants out.
You've gotta go.
If anybody came into this house,
they'd think we were
bang into each other.
You were all over me.
And now you're sayin' this.
I'm going to bed to sleep
because if you
remember you woke me up
at five o'clock this morning
because you had a
dream about a lion.
[door banging]
-[intense rock music]
-[people chattering]
[skin smacking]
[woman crying out]
Would you like
some hot chocolate?
No thanks.
Look, Gee, this has got
nothing to do with you.
It's all to do with me.
I'm sorry I've made
you feel like this.
You've gotta give it a chance.
Sometimes it's really
easy just to pretend
that everything is
fine when it isn't.
[Gee] You say you
didn't mean it?
No, I did mean it.
I was just trying
to mean it too hard.
Things have changed now.
So, you don't wanna
sleep with me?
Fine.
We'll just share the flat.
You'll have to back
up your ideas though.
Do your own cookin'.
Gee, I really think you should
try to find somewhere
else to live.
Does this hurt you?
Yeah.
Why, why do you want to
stay if this hurts you?
You just take the
blows, don't ya?
Don't worry about me.
I'll be all right.
I just won't get no trim.
Gee, I really don't think
we can share this flat.
We'd drive each other crazy.
Oh, God.
[Gee] Don't jump on
me when you get tusty.
[laughing]
Look, I just think
it would be better
if I just go and stay at
my brother's tonight, okay?
I'll talk to you about
this in the morning.
Little dog twitchin'
already, is it?
[exhaling] Don't
flatter yourself.
[Gee] You're the
one that's going.
[Saffron] Oh, Leslie.
[Leslie] I'm sorry.
[Saffron] What happened?
[Leslie] I can't find my keys.
It's okay.
What happened?
Oh, my God, what's
happened to your nose?
I'm sorry.
It's all right, let me.
Okay, okay, what,
who did that to you?
I'll find my keys.
What's it look?
Okay, I'll find your keys.
-Um, where, where?
-Broken.
What happened?
What happened to you?
Broke my bloody glasses.
Broke my bloody glasses.
Okay, here's your keys.
Here's your keys.
What happened?
What happened?
Leslie, what happened?
Where's the keys?
I haven't got the.
It's all right.
I've got the keys.
-Just switch the light on.
-No.
Where's the keys?
Yes, here, it's okay.
It's here, Leslie.
Do you want a cup of tea?
They won't go in now.
They twisted the arm.
Do you want to go
to the hospital?
No.
It's my elbow.
I hurt my elbow.
[Saffron] Do you want
to go to the hospital?
No.
Did somebody hit you?
I'm sorry.
[Saffron] Don't apologise.
Somebody hit me.
[Saffron] Why did they hit you?
I don't know what
you're supposed to do.
Did you get in the way?
No, I didn't get in the way.
I'm all right.
Look, I can be worried
about you, can't I?
I'm bloody furious with him.
Who was it?
Some guy just head butted
me for no reason at all.
Why?
'Cause I'm a prat.
Who thinks you're a prat?
You think I'm a prat.
Julia thinks I'm a prat.
When have I ever
said you're a prat?
Ow.
It's good for it.
Don't, ow.
What does it look like?
You look like Rudolph.
What are you supposed to do?
Look, come on, take
your jacket off.
No, don't 'cause it hurts.
No, look, we have to check
it out, see it's okay.
It's rare.
I know.
I'll be really, really gentle.
Be careful.
[Saffron] I'm
trying, I'm trying.
Oh.
Okay, that's it.
That's it, that's it, great.
I can't see anything.
-Can you bend it?
-No.
I'll be all right.
It'll be all right in a minute.
Oh, you're really nice.
Thanks.
It's okay.
Why are you so nice?
[laughing] I don't know.
'Cause my mum and
dad made me nice.
Oh, what a night.
You're telling me.
You'd better go upstairs.
I don't want Gee comin'
down and beatin' me up.
I don't know what
you're supposed to do.
Everyone else knows what to do.
I don't.
About what?
Well, you wouldn't go out
with someone you
don't like, would you?
[Saffron] There's enough choice.
That's what women do, isn't it?
They say they like you,
and then the next
minute they go out
with someone they
say they didn't like.
You try to be nice and polite,
and then they prefer
it if you're rude.
And they play all those games
where you're supposed to
pretend you don't like them.
And if you said something like
whatever, and they said, no,
how do you know
when they say, no,
whether they mean no or yes.
And you read all these books,
and when they say no,
you're raping 'em.
So, then you say, they
say, no, and you say, okay.
And then later on, they
said they didn't mean no.
I said yes,
and it was your fault for
not taking the initiative.
Well, maybe you shouldn't ask.
Maybe you should just
kiss 'em or something.
You can't just go
around kissing people.
I do.
It's bullock sweeping sweet
people off their feet.
If someone came up to you,
say I were to kiss you now,
you'd just say, fuck off,
and we'd never talked
to each other again.
You have to learn to
read the body language.
Look, if you're sitting
next to someone, okay.
-Ow.
-Sorry.
And you touch them like that.
If they like it,
they touch back.
I knew someone at work.
I thought she hated me.
And then someone
said, she liked me.
And I said, all right.
So, I told her I liked her,
and then she didn't like me.
She said she liked me
when I didn't like her.
So you fall in love first,
and then you ask them out.
You know, maybe,
maybe it's better
there's not so much at stake.
Well, it's better
not to be in love.
That's it, isn't it?
That's the truth.
That's it.
Sex is better if you
don't love someone.
'Cause if you want good sex,
it's better if there
isn't any love or respect.
And all these men who
have all these women,
they don't actually like 'em.
That's the truth, isn't it?
[gentle piano music]
I do.
See, I like women.
I really like them.
I think they're beautiful.
I think you're a
beautiful, fantastic race.
I much prefer to be with
you then any old men.
It's bloody outrageous
just to hit someone
when they're dancing.
I'm sorry, but.
You ought to go to bed.
It's quarter past 12.
Ah, three o'clock
in the morning.
I thought you said
quarter past 12.
It was my fault.
I hit his girlfriend.
I was just dancing like you do.
No, you do.
Where was it?
I was at that club
you told me about.
What, the Subway?
Aw, no.
I've got to get in the loo.
I'm desperate. [sighing]
[car horn honking]
[toilet flushing]
Can I stay here tonight?
Do you want to sleep in my bed?
No, you can't sleep here.
Your body's all hurt.
[Leslie] Saffron?
[gentle piano music]
[light switch clicking]
[Man] 100% happy.
Hey.
* Testing, testing,
one, two, one two *
* In the place to be *
I just spent half the
night on Leslie's sofa.
What were you doin'
on Leslie's sofa?
He was on the doorstep.
Some stupid guy beatin'
him up at the Subway Club.
What's he doin' at
the Subway Club?
[Saffron] Dancing.
Leslie dancing? [laughing]
Oh, I'm so tired.
I'm gonna have to go to bed.
We'll talk later.
[Gee] Saff, Saff?
Hmm?
I poured you a cup of tea.
Oh, thanks.
Does Leslie know the guy that
beat him up down at Subway?
Oh, no, don't get involved.
Leslie can fight
his own battles.
He's okay.
[bed creaking]
What are you doing?
Oh, it's cold, baby.
Give us a little cuddle.
Just to get me warm.
No, look, I don't think
this is a good idea, okay?
Things are different now.
I'll just lie beside ya.
I promise no tustiness.
What's the point?
We're not together
anymore, okay?
Get used to it.
Look, it's just a one off.
Now, go to sleep.
Forget I'm here.
[laughing] It's
very easy to forget
you've got a six foot
black man in your bed
with just his pants on.
Oh, you can't have it
like it used to be.
Get used to it.
You can't tell anyone.
What's the point?
You're just making it
worse for yourself.
Think about you.
Oh, come on, Gee, come on.
Get out of my bed.
I wanna go to sleep.
I've got no clothes on.
Well, listen, come on.
Don't be silly.
I've seen you before.
[Saffron] Get out of my bed.
Get out.
[Gee] I'm kind of cold.
[Saffron] No, stop.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna let this happen.
How can you be like this?
Because I'm strong.
Okay, you're strong.
No.
You say no a million times.
Every time a woman
says no, they mean yes.
Oh, come on.
Okay, okay, I'll go.
What?
[Gee] I lost my
button off my pants.
My button.
Gee.
[Gee] Oh, come on, babe.
I can't think of any more scams.
Oh, Gee.
Okay, you win, hooray.
You're the champion.
You win.
I lose.
I don't like this.
I wanna start again.
I'll do anything for you.
Oh.
I could even sing the blues.
I don't want you to.
My baby don't want me.
Oh, stop it.
I don't know what to do
'cause every time I hold her.
[Saffron laughing]
She just says no.
Shut up. [laughing]
I don't know what to do.
Stop it.
[mellow jazz music]
This doesn't mean that we're.
[bed creaking]
* Oh, you get me so excited. *
* Words can't begin to say *
* Your beauty makes
me breathless *
* Please ease my pain *
* Honey love me *
* The sensation's
so hard to explain *
* It's so good *
* It's so good *
* It's so good *
* It's oh so good *
* It's so good *
* It's so good *
* It's so good *
* It's oh so good *
Leslie Bliss, you
have two minutes
on the life and works of
G.K. Chesterton starting now.
What was Chesterton's
middle name?
-Keith.
-Correct.
Which great author did
Chesterton meet in 1900
who became a lifelong friend?
Pass.
[Game Show Host]
Whom did Chesterton
fall in love with and
marry in June 1901?
-Frances Blogg.
-Correct.
In his autobiography,
published in 1956,
what title did Chesterton give
to the chapter which he
dedicated to his father?
"The Man With the Golden Key."
[Game Show Host] Correct.
What popular comic verse
form did Chesterton invent
with Edmond Bentley
at St. Paul School?
-The Clerihew.
-Correct.
What is the nature of
the family business
run by Chesterton's father?
-Estate agents.
-Correct.
In "The Man Who Was Thursday,"
whom does Sunday expose?
-Tuesday.
-Correct.
On which friend's inner
intellectual qualities
did Chesterton base the
character Father Brown?
-O'Connor.
-Correct.
Who played the title
role in the 1954
British film "Father Brown"?
-Alec Guinness.
-Correct.
What was the content
of the alleged telegram
Chesterton sent to his wife
when he was on a lecture tour?
I'm in Market Harbour.
Where ought I to be?
[Game Show Host] Correct.
Which writer did
Chesterton describe
as the first great
Victorian I ever met?
-Thomas Hardy.
-Correct.
What was the name of the
poem Chesterton wrote
on the day he was received
into the Roman Catholic Church?
-"Convert."
-Correct.
Which architectural
feature, now demolished,
was the inspiration for "The
Napoleon of Notting Hill"?
The Woodworks tower
on Camden Hill.
[Game Show Host] Correct.
In "The Napoleon
of Notting Hill,"
Chesterton states
that, "The human race,
"to which so many of
my readers belong,
"has been playing at" what?
-Children's games.
-Correct.
In "The Three Tools of Death,"
what was the name of Sir
Aaron Armstrong's manservant?
-Ah, Magnus.
-Correct.
[people chuckling]
In which book did
Chesterton write,
"Journalism largely
consists in saying
"'Lord Jones is dead'
to people who never
"knew that Lord
Jones was alive"?
Pass.
[Game Show Host]
What was the name
of the publication
edited by his brother
which Chesterton
took over when Cecil
went to fight in the war?
"The New Witness."
[Game Show Host] Correct.
According to Chesterton's
poem, "The Song of Quoodle,"
what do the fallen
sons of Eve not have?
-Noses.
-Correct.
What's the title of
Chesterton's poem
with the lines, "The
villas and the chapels
"where I learned
with little labour
"the way to love my fellow man
"and hate my next
door neighbour"?
[alarm beeping]
I pass.
And at the end of that
specialised round,
Leslie Bliss, you
have scored 16 points.
[audience applauding]
You passed on three,
the great author
who became the life-long
friend of Chesterton
was, of course, Hilaire Belloc.
Hilaire Belloc.
[Game Show Host] Do
you remember that now?
Lisa, would you tell
him what I do please?
[Lisa] Ah, she
writes pornography.
[Julia laughing]
Dirty books.
Filthy little books.
Seriously?
Yeah.
So, what do you do?
Nothing as adventurous as you.
I'm into property.
Really, are you?
What kind of property?
[gentle soft rock music]
[audience applauding]
[Game Show Host] May I have
our next contender please?
[Saffron] Okay, she met
him at a party, right?
[Band Member] Yeah.
[Saffron] And they liked
each other's smiles.
They had a bit too much to drink
and staggered for a while.
But he was suave,
and she was pretty.
And it almost felt
a pity that she must
go back to Brighton on the
last train from the city.
[Band Member] Yeah.
He looked at her straight
in the eye and said,
"Why don't you stay?
"We could maybe drink some wine,
"have some fun and play."
Yeah.
She said, "Okay."
Yeah, I'll bet she did.
* Cause I want to
get inside you *
* Want to feel your very soul *
* There are mysteries
deep inside you *
* That I really want to know *
* If you're ready for
a state of bliss *
* And want to lose control *
* I'll reveal to
you your secrets *
* And it will not hurt at all *
-They talked so much.
-Yeah?
They laughed so much.
It wasn't very soon before
a more intimate touch
signalled another move.
He took her back to his place,
and he kissed her at the door.
He asked her if she trusted him
as they sank onto the floor.
Whoa.
They ripped each
other's clothes off.
He put a hand on her breast.
He was getting more
and more excited
as he put her to the test.
He looked at her, straight
in the eye, and said,
"When I'm inside you, I want
to feel that I'm inside you.
-"I want to feel, oh."
-Ah.
[laughing]
She said, "Oh, yeah."
-I'll bet.
-Okay.
* Then he stood up and
went to the table *
* Poured some powder
out onto a mirror *
* And then he said
do you want bliss *
* I'll give you this *
* I am going to administer *
* A very small injection *
* To anesthesize the area *
* And to prevent infection *
Um, she was looking
rather doubtful.
He gave a reassuring
smile and said,
"Hey, I'm professional."
What?
You must trust me for a while.
What?
Now, I want to make a little
cut just below your navel.
Oh, my God.
Just big enough to fit my
hand around your pelvic floor.
With a handful of intestines,
with a finger on your liver.
I can feel me moving in you,
and I can feel you quiver.
* Cause I want to
get inside you *
* Want to feel your very soul *
* There are mysteries
deep inside you *
* That I really want to know *
* If you're ready for
a state of bliss *
* And want to lose control *
* I'll just slice
you with my scalpel *
* And it will not hurt at all *
Well, she said, "Um,
yeah, that would be fine."
What?
She said, yeah?
But can I do that to you
after you've done it to me?
Too right.
He said, "Of course not.
"You don't have the training."
So, she looked at him
straight in the eye and said,
"Goodbye."
Yeah, I'm outta here now.
And, listen to this, right?
Yeah?
She walked down the hall,
and she slammed the
door behind her.
And she was out in the
street, and she could hear him
calling after her.
* I want to get inside you *
* Cause I want to
get inside you *
* Want to feel your very soul *
* There are mysteries
deep inside you *
* That I really want to know *
* If you're ready for
a state of bliss *
* And you want to lose control *
* I'll reveal to
you your secrets *
* And it will not hurt at all *
Guys you meet at parties, right?
Sure, I've heard
that one before.
So, um, what party did you
meet him at? [laughing]
What's his name?
[both laughing]
I'm not gonna give you his name.
Oh, shucks.
It was in south London.
Oh.
[both laughing]
[Saffron] You
don't want to know.
[both laughing]