Screen One (1985–2002): Season 6, Episode 3 - Pat and Margaret - full transcript

That's it, thank you.

Come on Margaret, I've had
the coach ready outside.

No I'm waiting for chips.

Waiting for chips, we've got
a live tv show to get to.

She's waiting for chips.

Will I wash she says,
Mrs woman come on.

You're not going in those shoes?

They're comfy.

Bella's still got a
ticket. Could you not come?

Ah, I better not, me
mother and so forth.

Oh well, where you
mopping, gents?.



There's been an overflow
level two urinal southbound.

They're bleeding me
over from northbound.

You're in demand with that mop.

We have it to do.

Is that all right then
picking us up after?

Roger will call, I'll be there.

I might be too famous
to talk to you by then.

Oh, what from the telly?

See ya.

What's it called?

Speak up Rambo.

Television business,
what's it called?

[coach party sings
together, Magic Moments]

This way, get flashing
boys, here she comes.



Really boys, you're
very naughty.

I know I'm gonna be on the
front page of every paper

tomorrow looking a
complete, don't know what.

Good to be back mam, eh?

I'm English darling
this is home.

Football, marmite, Queen Mum.

Faith beckons, their
choice of letters.

Is that Michael Barrymore?

Tut, what you like?
It's him off news.

Michael Barrymore.

Mrs Franken. Mrs
Franken, please.

This is my party.

Could I have a word?

Oh no, no, that's fine.

We just needed to know
she was actual premises.

Oh no, that were
plain sailing really?

Is she the little dark one?

No, erh, the one in
blue with a perm.

Oh, they're saying everyone
bought her in blue anorak.

They are not.

Why?

No, I mustn't really,
I mustn't say a word.

Miss Bedford, Miss Bedford.

We wrote to you in LA.

We are the two diabetics
from Kettering.

Pen.

We wouldn't be back in time,

for Magic Moments,
between taping it.

We ordered your book.

Sweet of you.

We never missed Emma.

I was once mistaken for
you at a traffic light.

Oh.

Is it true, that they're
going to axe the series?

No.

Would it be possible to have a

10 by 8 colour portrait,
to Kay and Bunting?

Right.

Good luck with Magic Moments.

We loved you in Lakeland vet.

We do you workout.

Have your message for diabetics?

When you deal with me
Claire, think icon.

So ladies I wonder if you'd
mind just swapping round

and me sitting on the
aisle seat, thank you.

Idea for with the Pat
Bedford book, chapter four.

Maybe analyse a
typical interview,

such as The Magic Moments.

Break it down for grammar,
vocabulary content.

Really try and expose
the ignorant little tart

beneath the veneer.

Have you seen magic
moments, Miss Bedford?

No.

Could you move that?

Sorry.

I had a scan today.

You could see his spine.

I don't care if you can see
the washing instructions

on his underpants, do
the job. Not interested.

This is gorgeous
powder Miss Bedford.

I don't know this brand.

I have it specially
blended for me in vagina.

Geneva.

[calm music begins]

What's the matter with you?

Do you want to go
to the lavatory?

Will you be having the
television on at all?

When I've stuffed this penguin
to my own satisfaction,

possibly.

Ah there you are, nice
to see you ladies.

And we have a Mrs
Maisie Stevenson,

who's 92 years young today.

[crowd cheers]

[applause]

Ah, there she is happy
birthday to you, my love.

She's sitting over here
with her Mum and Dad.

No, only kidding.

Are you going to watch it Vera?

This is the programme that
Aggie was going to be on

if she hadn't of died.

And this is another
story I tell in the book,

when I was invited to the Emmys,

and I wore a dress
that was so tight

could see me changing my mind.

The dress was so tight, Maive,

you could see me
changing my mind.

Pat.

Oh you look fabulous.

Was the flight okay?
You're worn out.

You'll have to
give me your diet.

I'm like an old
washer woman here.

It's all in the book.

Oh, that's great.

I'll get my head combed down

and I'll catch you on set later.

It's a bumdle of fun,
feels like a rocket.

You look gorgeous.

She is very haggard.

Where are the ladies of the
Kirby Preston service area

Cafeteria serving,
oh, here you are.

Well you're the
girls dishing up the

curly sandwiches and the
old burnt bangers eh?

Wake up Vera.

Pat Bedford's on this,
you like her don't you?

Well, we're nearly ready to go.

Just let me remind you one
more time. It is a live show.

We can't go back
and do it again.

So if you do get
called out by Maive,

and this is a
surprise type show,

lots of we hope nice
surprises in store

for one or two of you.

If we do get called out,
just come straight down,

there'll be someone
to show you the way.

Watch your language. No
effing and blinding please.

No alternative comedy.
It's not nice these days.

So we think they
haven't seen each other

for 27 years.

Yep, oh, they don't
look alike by the way.

Oh, dam that would have
been nice, wouldn't it?

And then moving that
autocue nearer yeah?

Yeah.

How do you say
this? Mottershead?

Eh, no, Mottershead I think?

Mottershead?

Mottershead.

Margeret Mottershead

Yeah, okay.

Mottershead Mottershead.

Oh god what's Phil's Mum.

Oh the puppy.

What's this?

This is never wildlife
of the Kalahari?

The girls from work
are in the audience.

Don't handle that.

It's all over the
lavatory cleaner now.

Do you keep all your American
stars waiting in corridors?

Is this how Bob Hope would be
treated or Shirley Maclaine?

I am the biggest soap star
on American television.

You know what I was
doing when I last night?.

I was duetting in harmony

with Liza Minnelli
and Macaulay Culkin.

Look, look, I am sorry,
but it's unavoidable.

No, what what's your name?

Daisy.

No Daisy it is not unavoidable.

There is never a good
reason for maltreating,

a top rated celebrity and
the sooner you can get a grip

on that fact and the
more likely you'll do so.

Water.

[applause]

Thank you.

Wasn't that lovely?

And Harry not only
gets the puppy

but all that lovely dog food.

Now, we've had some
extraordinary reunions
on this programme,

but I think you're gonna find
this one is extra special.

It concerns two people.

One of the ladies in question

thinks she's just here for
a night out with the girls.

The girls of the Kirby Preston

motorway service area cafeteria.

[woo]

Yes step into the limelight.

This is your magic moment
Margaret Mottershead.

[audience applause]

Now tell us who
this is Margaret.

My Auntie Aggie.

She lived next door.

She lived next door to
you and your sister?

And she looked after you
and minded you whatever.

Well, she was a big
fan of the programme

and she had a bit
of a story to tell

about you and your sister.

We were hoping she'd come
and tell us in the studios,

but she's dead unfortunately.

But anyway, oh look,
there you are now.

You're the little one yes?

Love those old woolly
dresses don't you?

And who's the big girl?

My sister Pat.

Patricia Theresa
Mary Mottershead.

So there's you and your sister?

Only one second now I promise.

As soon as I get to a
telephone you're fired.

Now Pat and your Mum
didn't get on too well,

had a bit of a row usual thing

and off Pat heads, bright
lights and all whatever.

And you were what
about 10 at the time?

And you totally lost touch.

You've never seen her
from that day to this.

It's a common enough
tale on Magic Moments.

Let's take a closer look at that

naughty runaway sister Pat.

You're very fortunate I'm
a consummate professional.

Mirror.

[Presenter] Okay, so that's Pat,

Patricia Theresa
Mary Mottershead.

And even though
there's a bit of a

glint in the eye, I would
say, then I would wouldn't I?

I know what's coming next.

See anybody you recognise.

How about this?

Recognise her now?

It's not?

Yes Margaret Mottershead
motorway waitress.

The sister you haven't
seen for 27 years.

Now one of the
highest paid actresses

in American television.

A very special magic moment.

Here she is from Glamour,

the glamorous Patricia Bedford.

[audience applause]

Well I know she's here

because I saw here around the
back when I was in the toilet.

Come and meet your
sister Patricia Bedford.

[audience applause]

[audience cheers]

Isn't that our best one yet?

Well they've an awful
lot of catching up to do.

Which we will find out
all about next week.

Meanwhile, back in
a couple of minutes,

with some more magic moments.

We're off the air folks.

Pat.

I'm sorry, would you
excuse me a moment.

Did you know you bugger?

No, I thought she were
would getting a prize

for chip frying or sommat.

Well what now?

Is there a do?

Well yeah there must
be. We can't all.

Look, can you get 'em
back on the coach,

just for now and I'll
go round and ask.

All right.

Well, you'd have to go a
long way to beat that one.

Did you see their
faces, that Margaret?

I thought please nobody die.

Oh God give us a drink.

Hi Billy.

Oh, just head and
shoulders tonight

I'll never get my shoes back on.

Pity I'm too grand to
soak them in a bucket.

Get the clingfilm off and
let me have the chicken legs.

Now what's Pat having?

Where is Pat?

Oh golly I'm sorry
you see his back

is right on my
bladder, two ticks.

Come on Vera, come in for Cocoa?

It was my Pat my Pat.

What you say Vera?

That was her, I
recognise her now.

It's my little girl.

Hi.

I didn't know
everybody had gone.

I didn't know what I
was supposed to do.

My sister being the one in
Glamour, how gobsmacked me?

Come down here.

'Cause you gave me such
a funny look before,

I had this horrible
feeling urgh,

she didn't want me to be here.

I don't.

Pardon?

I don't want to talk to you.

Why not?

I don't want this.

I'm doing a book, I'm
here to plug a book.

What are we to do then?

How did you get here?

We come on a coach.

Fine.

Go and get on it.

I'll deal with everything else.

Do you not want want
to know about me?

No I don't want to know.

Have I just to go then?

[melancholy music begins]

What's happening?

You tell me?

Margaret's round
the back somewhere.

They wouldn't let me through.

Shall we hang on a bit for her?

Oh, we can't wait long.

Hi, coming out for a nosh?

Eh, do you know where
the coach would be?

The coach?

We all came on a coach.

I don't want them
to leave without me.

No you're staying
with Pat tonight.

Well, for as long as you.

Is that what Pat wants?

Oh yes I'm sure.

She must be thrilled.

Come on you're
missing the party.

Could me friends come?

Will that'd be all right?

Oh gosh yes.

Ask for hospitality
I'll see you there.

I'll go and get them then?

[lighthearted
string music beings]

I get letters from people
like that all the time.

They're my sister,
they're my mother

I'm glamorous attractive,

I've enough sexual
charisma to open a factory.

She's fat, Northern
and working class.

Of course she wants
to be my sister.

I absolutely sympathise.

Life is very tough for
these Northern women.

I did a cameo on a
Barbara Taylor Bradford,

heartbreaking,
anyway, she's gone.

No harm done if we can just
get that bit edited out,

keep in the book
interview and Ooh lala.

[Margaret taps on glass]

Bella. Bella.

No, she's still here.

She's coming up to the
party with her friends

from the motorway.

Pat.

Pat I said didn't I?.

Her and that sister of hers

have been having a good
old natter somewhere.

Catching up on the old times.

What's the story? We had some
trouble to get you to come.

You're as close as a clown
with the old personal info?

Now where's the Margaret woman.

I'll just get
Claire to fetch her.

Harry that dog
wasn't that sweet.

You stop her from
coming in here,

here, give her this
and get her to go.

What should I say?

She was awfully thrilled.

I thought she seemed
terribly nice.

Take it and do it.

Roger, hello darling.

[melancholy music begins]

We don't serve you.

No I'm just.

I like your till.

I didn't know where anybody was?

I was just thinking this
probably ain't the right place,

is it?

I've just had wee word with Pat.

The coach went.

She just wanted if I
could give you this?

You see, I have no way
of getting home now.

Right?

So what about staying with Pat?

Is that's the on?

Otherwise I'm a bit lumbered.

No, that's absolutely.

'Cause I don't know the setup.

I don't know Pat. I'm not
see her since I was 10.

Mm.

There's not much in it
for her me turning up.

I'm afraid there's been
somewhat of a virago.

A what?

Virago?

Fandango? Facade?

The sister thing.

Oh the magic moment.

The part where you
brought the sister on,

I was wondering how much
of an upheaval would it be

to edit that part out?

Take your bit out?

Yeah.

No problem.

We'll get to the whole thing.

Daisy would have sent
you a tape, anyway.

Yeah thank you,
but no, no, I mean,

take that part out of
the programme altogether.

Not show it.

Oh, well it's a nice idea.

There's a lot I like to
go back and do it again.

So you could?

The nice thing about
it being live is

we don't have to worry about it.

It's over.

It's live.

Mm.

It's already been out?

We went live 92.

You have to been
away a long time.

Margaret for heaven sake,
come and get yourself

outside a glass of champagne

before it all goes.

Let's have a toast, to sisters.

Sisters.

[camera shutter]

[Photographer] Lovely.

I want everything
unpacked and the Chanel

Saint Laurent and
the Issey Miyake

pressed immediately comprehendy?

Bring them back the second,
the work is completed.

As an icon, I am
very vulnerable.

I don't wish my under or
outerwear to be a target

for perverts hand relief.

Yes.

See.

Oui oui.

That lamp lit, that
one dimmed, tv to CNN.

Four ounces of freshly squeezed

organic grape juice,
skinless chicken on granary.

No animal fat and a herb tea.

Anything else I can do
to help Miss Bedford?

No.

Claire grapes clothes.

You [snaps fingers]

put that in the bathroom and
everyone else can leave now.

I'll show you to your room.

Well.

Sorry?

[Miss Bedford] Thanks to
your umbilical incompetence.

I sexy yet vulnerable and I'm
quoting from Harper's here,

I Pat Bedford of Glamour have
been exposed on nationwide

television as having some
dubious connection with an

overweight Northern waitress
with all the sophisticated

allure of an airline salad.

I who came sixth in the
world's most envied bottom poll

1992, just two below
Claudia Schiffer.

Have now been publicly
linked with a woman

whose buttocks practically
skim the carpet.

Yes, but I think she's so nice,

and she's having
such a lovely time.

I gave you 50 pounds to give
her and tell her to leave.

Did you give it to her? No.

Did she leave? No.

Have I had the money back? No.

Yes, but I kept thinking
if my baby had a sister

and if they got separated

and if somebody gave
my baby 50 pounds

not to see my other baby.

Yes and if I had a
Petersond a hairy chest,

I could play Hamlet, King Lear
and Robin, Prince of Thieves.

I can't afford to have her here.

You know Glamours dropped
down from a top spot.

Any hint, any hint of a scandal

and it'll be off the air,

or worse still, on
the air without me.

I'm Valerie lady Charlson.

I'm Knightsbridge, I'm
grooming I'm camisoles.

I can't be seen to
have a blood relative

with a Lancashire accent

on a perm you could go
trick or treating in.

Yes, but I don't think.

[Miss Bedford] It looks, wrong.

It's not me.

Oh.

Come early and help me get rid
of her before the press call.

Okay.

I'll get a cab.

I think she's so nice.

[Margaret knocks on door]

Do you knock or
not? I didn't know.

They don't tell you that
one do they? Int' magazines.

Do you knock on hotel
door of famous sister

you haven't seen for 27 years.

Or do you not knock?

Bloomin 'eck though this?

I mean, what is it like?

There's Potpourri on the
top of the toilet in there,

that'll be four
pounds in the shop.

Even on the market
that'll be four pounds.

And the pillows on the bed.

Six pillars this thick,

they make man look
like cream crackers.

Sorry I'm going on,
it's the Champagne.

I can never see why they
went no about it before.

I'm going to bed.

[Margaret] Yeah, sorry.

I'm worn out, and I've
only come on motorway,

I can't really phone
Bella now can I?

I phone 'em at work tomorrow.

Don't phone anybody.

Oh, fair enough.

I'll get bed then as well.

Are them shower caps
free d'you know?

Yes it's all free.

Oh terrific, night then.

Oh, um, the only thing is 'cause
I didn't know I was coming.

Have no pants.

Pants?

Clean pants for tomorrow.

Tights I can rinse through, but.

Oh tar.

I have to get to bed.

Don't worry about what
you said to me before,

about wanting to me to go.

I'd only come to watch the show.

I wasn't expecting
blooming sister to come

crawling out the woodwork.

I want that thrill myself to
tell you the honest truth.

I was thinking oh blimey
last time I saw her,

she smacked me across the
face, do you remember?

No.

I really must.

Oo, what time's breakfast?

What time are we to be done by?

[gentle music begins]

It's you.

Wasn't Margaret being
dropped off here?

Was that not the arrangement?

Didn't you see it?

No, my mother
wanted the wildlife.

Yes.

Well, she's Pat Bedford's
sister seemingly.

Sorry?

Her off Glamour.

Valerie, Lady Charlson.

Oh, come on, she
leave paper out.

I can't read.

So I'm not hot their names.

Faces fine.

Look, I'm that lackered alight?

All I know is she's
teamed up with Pat Bedford

and we haven't had
a word from her.

She stayed up London.

Oh.

Was there no message for me?

Not for you, me, anybody.

So we'll see.

Night.

Night.

Yeah these are nice,
I'll take these.

[Photographer] Ah cheers.

I'm around or weekend,
if you want any more.

She cancelled my interview.

I thought it was worth a try.

Any sign of the sister?

No, neither of them.

She's not taking any calls.

This is all jolly inconvenient,

very nice for Stella's book.

[dance music]

Oh hello Mrs Dench.

It's Margaret here.

Margaret Mottershead.

Look, I tried to get
hold of Jim at work,

but could you give
him a message for me?

Could you say I'm
sorry about last night

and it got too late to phone

and I don't know what
I have to do here,

but I'll be home
as soon as I can.

I don't think I'm
staying very long.

I think Pat um.

Well, I miss him
loads, tell him,

and I I'll come home soon.

Can you pass that on please?

Bye.

Is that Margaret?

Is she having a nice time.

You're Auntie Ivy, wanting wool.

You're labels out
on you're vest.

[dance music]

Hiya

The girl who brought my coffee

said you got more journalists

outside the Jose
Carreras, can't be bad.

I'm waiting for
Claire, she has my bag.

And then I will
write you a check.

Pardon?

Just a one off payment. This
won't be a regular thing.

Sorry, you've lost me.

So a one off payment.
You sign this.

It's just to say we're not
related. I haven't got a sister.

You have no claim
on Pat Bedford, Inc.

That's my company.

I'm not signing in this.

What?

You have got a sister.

I am your sister.

You know I am.

You recognise me straight
away. Didn't you?

You don't have to sign it
until Claire brings the check.

I'm not trying to
be unreasonable.

I don't want the check.

I haven't got a
bank account anyway,

look I had a surprise last
night as well you know,

I didn't want to stay.

I could have been on
the coach last night

having a laugh. I could have
been at work this morning,

not stuck in a
room. All on me own

eating croissants which
you don't even like.

Fine, go back,

but don't go out the front.

Oh, why? 'Cause if
the journalists?

They twist things.

There's nothing
to twist about me

met up with long lost sister,

long lost sister didn't
want to know what went home.

There's probably a back
way through the kitchens.

Oh well, I feel very
comfy there then won't I?

It's very me is kitchens.

Oh, here's your pants.

Don't worry, I didn't wear them.

I wash mine and put
them on the towel rail.

Have them.

Oh no, thanks.

Don't want anything to yours.

Morning. This is
John, Mike and Sarah.

They're doing a Magic
Moments follow-up film.

Did I mention it?

No,

No.

They'll be following you
and Margaret round all day.

Loads of fun things planned.

So what should we do?

A little bit of filming in here.

[Margaret] This is the a
press conference, right?

And the press and
wanting to know about

Pat's book and me

and what I do and all of that

and so far, I'm having
a wonderful time.

Margaret Mottershead, The Regent
Hotel, Marylebone, London,

England The World.

I can have, I
have, I have chips.

I have chocolate. I pig
out, pig out, pig out,

but I always have my
mango's, it's enzymes.

All very proven and above hand.

[Photographer] Eh, Margeret.

How have your friends on the
motorway taken to all this?

Oh, I haven't had a chance
to speak to them yet?

Not even got hold
of me boyfriend yet.

Yeah, he's a lav
cleaner isn't he dear?

How do you think he will take

to the Californian lifestyle?

Oh, probably hate
it, no, I don't know.

He can't read so new
places are difficult.

I'd like it though
given the chance.

Planning to visit family
and friends up North

while you're here, Pat?

No. It's a very crammed
schedule unfortunately.

So your mother won't
be expecting a visit.

I'm afraid she's
no longer with us.

But I'm sure she's looking
down from somewhere.

Dear old Vera.

I'm sorry can we leave it there?

It's rather upsetting.

I had a little phone
call yesterday.

Oh yeah?

There's a Vera, in
an old folks home

in Pat's home town.

[cheerful music]

Well Pat, LA sounds wonderful.

Oh, darling you'll adore it

and with all your gorgeous
down to earth Northern charm,

they will adore you.

Okay?

Yep, it's lovely.

Cut it then.

Claire.

Margaret.

The thing is Stella,

we haven't heard a thing
since she got off the coach.

I mean, how difficult is
it to pick up a phone?

Apart from her
being a mate ho ho,

I've got rosters to organise,

and there's people queuing
up here to do shift work.

Do I hold it open or what?

Very difficult for you.

Now, where can I find Jim?

You see she's
never phone Stella,

no consideration
for Jim's feelings.

Well it smacks very casual.

Have an Easter Bakewell.

No I'm full of,

what was it, Bap?

To be fair.

I'm talking, thank you.

Because Jim's illiterate.
We make no bones over it.

You see there was no
Dyslexia in those days.

You sat at the back with raffia.

You must feel a little
bit sore over this.

Well, obviously I would
like to talk to Margaret

on a face to face basis.

Now you're a lav
cleaner aren't you.

Could we do a few shots
with the lavatory?

Would there be one indoors or?

[Pat] I was terrible for
AGA with a relish from hell

is actually rather a bonus.

Yeah quite.

[Pat snaps fingers]

Chicken, Polly, Polente.

Small portion, no
skin and nine grapes.

I mean who needs eight
Vietnamese babies?

When you can have a lumpy
old short order waittress

for one week only?

Oh no.

Milk it for all
it's worth this week

then I'll go home

and she can take a
flying, yes quite.

Into a deep fat fryer.

Oh, she's horrendous.

The perm, the funny voice.

Three of Tracy Ullman time.

Yes, I'm talking.

Found it here.

You'll know that word.

Margaret.

Yeah.

It's Bye Bye motorway hello LA.

She laughed.

There is nothing and
no one to keep me here.

Meeting up with Pat again
has been a real godsend.

Meeting Pat again
has been a godsend.

The jobs rubbish.

It's hey hey, LA for me.

[Reporter] Pat Bedford
what have you got for me.

Well, a lot of the old
files were fire damaged,

but I've got an old
address, school,

few bits and bobs

and the address of the mother's
nursing homes in there.

Oh, thanks Don, oh and you
dig out any local scandals?

Eh?

What have we got to be in
the bloody North darling

I might as well get a
column or two out of it.

Well, there's the, the man
who kept the dog in the dark.

No, no dogs, done dogs to death.

There's the baby boom
faulty condom thing.

This Spanish Villa thing's
a big thing around here.

A local couple built
an apartment complex

over a chemical dump.

Nobody can get the money
back and lots of old folks

have lost the life savings.

Give me the files I'll
have a look through.

I think I might go for
a walk or something.

Not doing anything until
this afternoon are we?

No.

Would you have your neck
done if you were me?

If I were you I'd have have
the personality transplant.

So do, do this every day?

I think it actually
stops it from sagging.

Bit late for you.

Are we in the papers?

Every single one.

Look my legs on this
one is just gorgeous.

Jim gets this paper.

Well, his mom reads it to him.

What's this?

I never said the
job was rubbish.

They made half of this up.

That's Bella.

They've been talking to Bella.

I have no reason to
keep the job open.

Margaret's no loss
quite frankly.

She's too slow for fast food.

I never said that.

They've picked that
bit out in big letters.

Too slow for fast food.

Now that's not fair.

Shall I read it for you what
they say about you again?

No.

Lavatory attendant Jim,

who have learning difficulties.

Oh, that's nice.

Is there a phone number?

A phone number in the paper?

For Pat Bedford. She'd be
inundated with trouser fumblers.

Remember happened
to Mrs Anglesey

in the post office window.

And she was only trying
to sell a dye van.

Does it say where
they're staying?

Regent Hotel, Mary
lee bone Road,

What road?

Mary Lee bone.

Mary Lee bone

Mary Lee bone.

Where are you off to now?

There.

Mary Lee bone Road.

You got Ivy coming,

I'll be back in time
to open the corn beef.

Please mom all right?

I'll go straight to
the coach station.

I'll go to Jim's first,
no Bella's first.

She didn't even have
to give her notice now.

Roll on these funny
shift contracts.

But it's the little telly
thing this afternoon.

Well I can't do it.

It's television.

Well this is my job.

I have a life too you know.

I might just be a waitress
with a perm and a funny voice

but I can remember when
you were a waitress

with the same voice and
you were pretty pleased

with yourself to be one.

I'll call Claire and she can
call Jim is it and Bella?

She'll smooth the
whole thing over.

Oh, don't be so flipping thick.

What's Claire got
to do with Bella?

Just cause you can't
exist without Claire,

even the Queen carries
her own handbag you know.

Stay a couple more days.

It's hello magazine
on Monday afternoon,

Hampstead Heath remember?

The eight page spread with
the leopard skin leggings?

Go on.

Thought you were
gonna say please then

that will be worth a
front page picture.

Please.

Oh, come on.

I might be daft,
but I'm not stupid.

You had me half way out
through the kitchen's

yesterday morning.

Her film crew come
on the doorstep,

then suddenly, I'm our
delicious Margaret.

With me lovely Northern charm.

That's show business.

Suit yourself.

Can have a [indistinct]
and fly back early.

Right.

No harm done then.

Want a memento of your
15 minutes of fame?

It's an Andy Warhol quote.

You won't have heard of him.

Wasn't very big in catering.

What's the matter?

This.

What?

[suspenseful music begins]

Vera, a little
paragraph about Vera.

What?

That she's in nursing
home with her.

I never thought she was dead?

No but they'll find her.

Who?

Well any of them.

Stella Kincaid.

She was there yesterday.

I'm sure she's starting
to get something on me.

She's only an old woman
Vera, where's the harm?

Let's see her.

I see her.

Then let's see me.

And think it wasn't like her.

I hate her.

She might not even
want to talk to them.

Oh come on, they pay thousands.

Don't you think she'd talk?

The woman who did it
standing up for 10 Bensons?

Lying down for 20.

It would finish me.

A photo this size,

some stinking old biddy
in a crocheted blanket,

watching the test card.

Glamour stars mother
in council home hell,

That's before they've heard
her side of the story.

Have to find her.

Have to find her before they do.

And what ask her
not to say anything?

Pay her not to say anything.

When did she ever do
anything for nothing?

Not for me.

Do you remember how she was?

I remember all of it.

I'll call Claire.

I can't, I can't go crawling
around in that huge limo.

Not around there.

[Pat] Would you come with me?

God, I don't want to see her.

I don't know which nursing home.

I don't know her
surname people know me.

I can't go around
asking questions.

Where a wig, take Claire.

[Pat] I daren't go on my own.

Is this really or what?

Yeah,

please.

All right.

[lighthearted music begins]

I don't know whether it's worth

waiting for Claire anyway.

Mm she's fannied about
with her nipple shells

and a maternity knicker.

Claire cancel the television.

I don't know about tomorrow yet.

Look,

we'll go now.

You follow us up with
the bags and meet us.

Oh, shut up.

Stella Kincaid went
North yesterday.

What?

What's the biggest hotel?

Kirby Arms I suppose.

Meet us in the Kirby
Arms this evening.

Don't book me in
I'll be incognito.

Your car is outside Miss
Bedford the keys are in.

Kirby Arms,

I used to drink Port
and lemon in there.

I was having a baby once.

It never went the full,

they probably had
more equipment then.

Funny year.

Gary died in the March.

And then I lost in the,
well it was about now.

Were you married then?

Yeah.

He had an accident at work.

I was gonna get compensation
some reason why I didn't.

I don't know why
people have children?

Do you not have any?

No.

None of my friends
don't have any

and my dog's don't have any.

All very civilised.

Hello, I'm looking for an
old school pal of mine,

Pat Mottershead?

[Hotel Porter] Excuse me sir.

Can't you read?

No.

Miss Wellsley,

Miss Bedford's car's
on the forecourt madam.

The driver's waiting
the bags are in.

Oh good oh.

I'll be two ticks I actually
have to spend a penny,

pregnant.

Pregnant at 15.

Mind you with a
mother like that.

So you knew Vera?

Everybody knew Vera,

curtains drawn in the afternoon

and she wasn't
watching Wimbledon.

Hang on, we were surprised

Pat didn't fall pregnant sooner.

Our John took this.

Now that's Vera.

Can I borrow this?

What did Pat have an abortion?

Oh no, you couldn't get
abortion's round here then.

We didn't get Muesli
till last year.

Could you pass those
on to the switchboard?

That's the number and
that's any messages

for Miss Bedford, me
or Miss Mottershead.

Thank you.

Sorry, did you
say a Mottershead?

Yes.

You're not like a friend
of Margeret's are you?

Well I'm working for Miss
Bedford while she's over here.

I've just like driven
down to see Margaret.

Oh, are you Jim?

Oh gastly, they've gone North.

They went North this morning.

You've just come
down they've gone up,

oh what a calamity.

What can I do?

No not to worry, I'll drive
back up and track her down.

Oh, what a bind.

Must have been grim mustn't it?

Yeah.

What now?

Red Lion?

Do you have to fiddle
with your testicles

the entire time?

It's much cosier
this way isn't it?

I can keep you company,
read the road signs

and we can have a
jolly good old chinwag.

Fair enough.

Though I must warn
you since week 17,

I've had the most ghastly
wind, little stinkers.

That's not it.

That's the unmarried
mother's home.

Do you remember?

We used to see them
mopping the front steps.

She never sees nobody normally
it's second lot today.

Right so she's just through
there up them stairs

in Gladioli, just past Hyacinth

Joan, go and see if
that mince is for me?.

I'm looking for Vera.

You won't get any
sense out of her.

[melancholy music]

Mom.

Mom.

It's Margaret mom.

I'm not you're mom.

My goats, July Andrews.

Beautiful Julie.

[sings, The hills are alive
with the sound of music.]

It's not her.

Even before she turned around
I was thinking it isn't her.

It just wasn't like Vera.

Where is she then really?

Got to find her.

They'd take it all
away from me again.

You manage to get
any sense out of her?

She semi barking most 'owt time.

She were Pat Bedford's
mother all last week,

that one even got in papers.

Tara.

I've never really come
across this PA job before.

Well a lot of it's very
basic in this case,

get Pat to the right
place at the right time

with the right bag.

Oo, our turn off next.

But, she's driven up
with it herself today?

The luggage?

It's in the limo,

I've left it all behind.

Oh Crikey Moses.

[Pat] Come on.

I don't have much
money left you know.

Well as soon as I get
my bag off Claire.

Billy, where's the photo album?

You back on Vera?

No, this is the
Spanish Villa hoo-ha.

Look, you drive.

I've just seen the most
extraordinary thing.

[Claire crying]

I'm so sorry.

I can't believe
I've been so stupid.

It's my hormones you
see, my memory is comple.

I don't know what
I'm going to do.

I have to get Pat's things to
The Kirby Arms this evening.

With the car you were
going to come in,

could you not ask it to
come up with the bag's like?

Inspiration, genius, of course,

I'll call the hotel.

Could I wait for them
here? Would you mind?

Thank you.

What a lovely smell,
is it Lavender?

Well it's actually
urinal disinfectant,

Jim brings it from work.

Oh dear.

I never cried before
I was pregnant.

It must be the hormones.

Well it will be.

Now I knew a woman
who ate luncheon meat

all the nine months.

Was the baby all right?

Well it was then,

it ended up selling
insurance in Chorlton.

There's an old saying.

And these villas came
up and we thought.

One for us and one to rent out.

We've lost everything
basically, my wife can't go out.

I don't think
she'll ever recover.

Worked all my life.

We both have.

And there doesn't seem
to be any redress at all.

I went round to their house.

Just to reason with them like,

it's all dogs and
gates, you no chance.

Is that really all the
cash you got on you?

I bought everything today,

and then need the
most of that for rent.

Rent?

I rent a bed sitter.

Oh, I'd imagine a
little terrace or semi.

Oh had you?

It's pity I live in real life

and not your imagination.

[Pat] Oh, bloody hell.

[Margaret] What?

You shove it all away.

Move on, grow up, cut your hair,

and it's all there
waiting isn't it?

Waiting to be dealt with?

Don't really know what you mean?

Look get a taxi and find Bella,

at least put that
bit of it right.

I'll get the cash biked over
to you as soon as I can.

Where is she?

Couldn't have just got
away, people don't.

You do.

Everybody knows me,

why did she never
try to find me?

She can't have wanted to.

She can't of wanted
to find either of us.

Are you sure this is all right,
waiting here for the bags.

I thought it was safer.

Oh, that's all right.

You see,

I like Jim to be exposed to
different kinds of women.

I mean, Margaret is
all right in a way,

but she's not upwardly mobile.

Now you see, I
have a dear friend

who would take him on pronto.

She's very high
up in gum hygiene.

It's a bit depressive you
know, but as I say to Jim,

you don't want to be enjoying
yourself all the time.

Is it kicking?

Oh Jim did that?

I had his feet in my Kidney's
from the end the July,

and in the event,
it was all placenta.

Well we had to put him in
the gollywocks pullover,

we did.

We pulled him through,

but it were the
end of it for me.

Oh, as I said to my
husband, it's twin beds

and a Budgerigar.

[Home Owner] Who is it?

Mrs. McIntyre, could
you let me in please?

My name is Stella Kincade.

You may have read my column
and I've got 5,000 pounds

in cash in my handbag.

Let's start again.

Has a Claire Wellesley
checked in or left a message?

No,

Right.

I would like a suit for me and
a single for Miss Wellesley.

Can I trouble you
for two forms of ID?

My face is my ID.

I'm afraid we
don't accept faces.

My cards are coming
with Miss Wellesley.

I'm fully comprehensive re that,

it's just with you having
no cash and no credit cards.

And given that we in
the leisure industry

have had our fingers fairly
badly burned on this one.

I am Patricia Bedford.

Yes, but not withstanding.

I do have adhere
to the procedure.

This is laid down that we
adhere to the procedure.

Fetch the manager. I
don't believe this.

ID we were both plastered

all over the Sunday
papers this morning.

[Passer By] I know
how you feel love.

Hey, looks who here
from Glamour, Valerie?

Valerie.

Lady Charlson.

You want to right Cornbury
last week weren't you?

Give up on the publishing.

She didn't know whether to
expand on the publishing side,

Or give it all up.

Or give it all up.

He does love you.

He's never told her.

He's only told Malcolm
Halliday in the locker room.

That's why she can't decide.

Don't ask me Brent.

Glamour magazine needs me

and right at this
moment in time.

I just don't know.

[sings, Glamour bumbabumbabum
Glamour bumbabumbabum]

You see,

I don't need cash.
I don't need ID.

Those are my ID,

the great, wonderful, warm,
caring British public.

As Emma Louise may
have mentioned,

we do have to adhere
to a procedure.

I don't care if you have to
adhere to a baboon's bum hole.

In fact, compared to this
rancid pile of Olde Worlde

knick knacks that
primates backside begins

to look like the epitome
of gracious living.

Could we perhaps not wait
until our friend arrives

with Pat's handbag?

While I have no
objection to you sitting

in the public areas Madam,

I'm afraid your companion
fails to meet the

requirements of our dress code.

What.

[Margaret] She's got this
guest room and a shower

and those curtains,

what are they whooshed ruched.
She did say no anytime but.

Bella, did you read the
papers this morning?

Yes I did.

We all did, very interesting
to hear you've no friends

and the jobs rubbish.

So I didn't bother putting
any one next week's roster.

The thing is they
make it up virtually.

Do they virtually?

So you're not her sister

and you're not off to
Cali bloody fornia.

Didn't say it.

I came around to tell you that

and to just say,

is there any way Pat could
have a bed for the night?

Not interested sorry.

I pity you frankly.

I had you down as genuine.

I organised that coach trip.

I made sure you
were on that coach

and you couldn't be
fagged to find me

to come and say, Bye Bye.

Now hang on.

Could you take your hand
off my paint work, please?

I'm not impressed with
celebrities actually.

And from what I've
read they're thinking

of taking that Glamour off.

So you'll just be
another ex has been.

Frankly I'm amazed your
bosses let you dress that.

Don't you pay for that in LA?

Around here they're
going for 10 99.

[Pat] Bloody cheek.

[Margaret] That's 12 quid.

Fibroids? Like baked potatoes.

He's got all the
bags. No problem.

So whenever you're ready,

he'll take you
around to the hotel.

Oh that's marvellous.
I'll just nip to the loo.

And then you must let me
reimburse you for the tea.

Not to worry.

Don't stop her,
with her bladder,

she's cost me three pounds
in half week already.

I'll see she gets to
the hotel all right

shall I?

Will Margaret by there?
Is that the scheme?

Well if were you I would
think of it hard and sharp

before you'll get
convoluted with her again,

'cause she's playing
you for a giddy Kipper,

and she's laughing at you now
with that sister of her's.

If she's there, I
want to talk to her.

Well the chain goes
on at the usual time.

I'll go and put the fire on.

It'll warm up in a minute.

Don't you have a fringe?

There is a fridge, I wouldn't
leave anything in it.

It's off, sorry.

Got some powdered?

But I could really
do with some food.

I don't think I got much in.

Jimmy usually texts me
Saturday to do a big shop.

Well he did.

Look that's okay.

Shall I cook you my favourite
thing? It's really simple.

Just need Virgin olive oil.

Any Pasta,

beef tomatoes,

fresh basil we can
manage without,

a dried herbs then.

And an Advocado.

That's what I've got.

Does that count as
Pasta? Tinned Spaghetti?

I don't have the
things you have.

I don't have three houses
and a swimming pool

and an open top.

Mercedes.

This is me.

This is where I live.

And it's not nice.

And I know I spent all yesterday

saying I wasn't jealous

and I was just glad to see you,

and I was happy
living the way I do.

Well, I'm not, I don't
want to be like this.

I want what you've got.

Then work for it.

You'e no idea what I had
to do to get where I am now

do something.

What can I do?

I can't do anything.

I wanted a house and
a husband and a baby.

Well I told you what,

you could do something,

I couldn't do anything,
I'm not clever.

I couldn't be a manageress.

I don't have to
earn any more money.

Other people have husbands,
can't buy a house.

I'd love the little house,

not have room when they come in,

when you're not here
and looking at things,

you had some thing.

Yes, I did.

You should have helped me.

What?

[neighbour banging on ceiling]

Why did you leave me?

That is not what happened.

It is what happened.

You went, I was 11.

She got done again.

Suspended sentence.

No.

The real thing, it
wasn't for long, but.

She never really got
it together after that,

I was just sort
of fostered about.

It wasn't bad but,

I just used to think you
might turn up, you know,

sports car trouser
suit, this kid rubbish.

[doorbell rings]

My bell never rings.

Where did you get this?

Well, it's from Claire,

Could you give it to Pat?
Is she with you, Pat?

How do you know
pat? I mean, Claire?

I gave her the lift from London,

I come to see you. Only
you'd already come here.

Well, hello.

Hello.

I did phone loads of times.

Urgh that bloody cardigan.

It is, what's up with it?

Oh nothing, just sick
of seeing it that's all.

Typical this innit?

Missed you like mad's on Friday,

done a million exciting things,

just wanted it to come
back and see you and now.

What you wishing you hadn't?

Oh I don't know.

It's not as if Pat
was happy either

and she's got everything.

Was just nice to feel
something was happening.

You were me the
nothings happening.

I'm not with you?

Oh it's been a funny
day that's all,

look, come in and meet pat.

I feel like I've been
wrong footed all weekend.

'Cause she doesn't know anything
about me and what I've got.

Just feeling funny tonight.
Come in for a bit, eh?

Well it's just.

What?

Well my mom will be putting
the chain on quite soon.

Phone her.

Shut the door in. How long
can we piddle along like this?

You can't open the sardines.

You can't unscrew
her Water bottle.

I want something.

I want you to come in
and meet my sister.

My family, I've never
asked you for anything,

money, a baby.

We should be able to ask
each other for things.

I want us to be together,

but I can't always be
accommodating everybody.

Jim.

I'll go phone Auntie Ivy.

[Pat] Oh, I'm tired of this,

I knew she chose your underpants

and took the peel
out your marmalade,

but I'm tired of it. That's it.

That's us done. She's
done it. I give in.

Ta.

Claire's at the hotel.

That was Jim with your
handbag for some reason.

We've had a row and
I've finished with him.

You see she's only
thinking of me, my mother.

No that's not true.

Eh?

No she's thinking of
herself, which is fine

and jolly sensible,
as long as you do too.

What have I had? One
orange juice? Mad.

Pat's not gonna track down
on the old mom is she?

No.

I mean, we had a real
stroke of luck there.

We were way off be.

Nope. We've got to
get Pat to Vera's.

Yeah, well er, that's
gonna be the photo innit.

Jim, could you see
Pat get's this.

Pardon?

Just a note from a fan.
No need to mention me.

Night night.

Pat.

Mm.

Why didn't you take me with you?

I were right tall I
could the past for 14.

[Pat] Did she say I ran away?

She chucked me out.

I was pregnant.

Did you have it?

Yeah, I did.

Took bloody hours.

No painkillers, just
those awful women

coming in and saying it'll get
worse before it gets better

Pat Mottershead.

Never again.

You could have come back after?

I did. Hobbled back
straight after.

All soggy brown sanitary
towels no one there.

He was inside I suppose.

You and me couldn't
have lived together.

10 and 15.

[Margaret] Who's
was it the baby?

Do you remember my
Saturday job in that cafe?

The Swiss Cottage
run by the only

homosexual in
Northeast Lancashire.

It was the boy who
delivered the Pepsi's

I got pregnant with.

He only did it once,
he had to condom.

Couldn't get it on,

thought that bit at the
end had to go on as well.

Come on, I'm buying you dinner.

[gentle music begins]

Don't tell me, a bacon sandwich,

a donut and a Pepsi float.

Pay you back Saturday.

[They both laugh]

Well, what can I get you?

32.

With a double fried bread?

Of course.

Margaret phone Claire, she
shouldn't miss out on this.

You phone her, I'm choosing.

Cheeky.

There's your 32 Patricia.

Oh lovely.

Egg, chips peas Margaret.

That's Claires our
Margaret doesn't like peas.

Lovely, this is such
a treat everyone.

Chin, chin.

Oh, chin, chin.

None of it looks any different.

You don't look any different.

I'm 63.

You're never?

Well, I'm selling up.

As soon as I find
a buyer a quick way

to still smack the ketchup.

There's years in you yet,

smack my ketchup any day.

No it's lovely.

I'm very impressed
with these chips.

Pete, you don't know where
my mother ended up, do you?

Our mother.

The terrible Vera.

Well, we used to see her
hanging around The Red Lion.

That's 20 years ago.

We've asked at The Red Lion.

Oh.

Oh my God. Pull
me water somebody.

The note.

Sorry.

This can't be right.

Well the note only said
she'd be here this morning.

It didn't say she lived there,
she might be to cleaner.

She might run a mobile
blow job service.

[Pat sighs]

I don't want to see her.

You've got to,

This is making me sick.

Should just be a little
old lady, come on.

[gentle music begins]

Bit late for Mother's
day aren't you?

Actually, we were
hoping to visit a grave,

but we're a bit early.

I thought it were
too good to last.

You had to track
me down eventually.

Time to get your neck done Pat,

you can be in and
out in two days.

You recognise Margaret?

Can't miss her.

What do you do?

I work on the motorway
in the cafeteria?

You father weren't much
cop at anything either.

Have the press been here?

About the villas?

They're in my name, but
I haven't seen a penny.

No. What have you
been saying about me?

Nothing. I don't know
anything about you.

I know you're on the tele,

but we only watched
the dog trials.

I didn't realise prostitution
was so lucrative.

I don't think it is.

I think you have to enjoy
it to earn the big money.

I didn't mind the sex,

but I wasn't very good
at talking to them.

Where did all this come from?

[Chamber Maid] The pools?

Not the bloody pools.

That was the start.
Win the bloody pools.

Tick no publicity,

Caribbean cruise, met my Robert.

He couldn't believe it.

Own teeth a few Bob and
I could do Shorthand.

Lovely.

He skipped off now
of course, rat.

Look what do you want? I'm busy,

if you're paws out
wanting money forget it.

It's all tied up and
you're way down the line.

You got a nerve.

Have I?

Are you here to tell me that
she doesn't want a few bob?

Why shouldn't she?

This is your child.

This is the little
girl you left at 11

because you couldn't be
fagged looking after her.

She's not going to get
what she wanted then.

Love, care, a mother,
we're 30 years too late

with that one.

Mom is is all you've
got. Isn't it?

And she hasn't got any say yes,

I should think she
does want a few bob.

Don't call me.

No one barred you from
tracking her down.

You earned in a decent living,
I've seen you in the papers,

meeting Prince frigging Phillip,

You could have helped
yourself, but you're like me.

That's right.

I'm like you,

I never had a father
I'm assuming her father

wasn't my father.
I just had you.

Brought up the Vera way.

What could I know? House
work stinks and black bras

don't show the dirt.

What else?

Don't be warm, don't be
kind look after number one.

Stuff any other bugger
who does different.

You made me you stupid
cow and you ballsed up.

Did I did I?

Would you have got out if
I hadn't shoved you out.

You want to be warm you
want to be kind, fine.

You end up slopping gravey
for eighty quid a week.

You ought to be thanking me
for making you hard inside

because that is
what pushed you on.

That is what kept you going.

There are a million
bloody actresses out
there aren't there?

Paying her?

You should be paying me.

I don't want anything.

Of course you do.

Though we don't all get
what we want, do we?

I've done my share.

Two kids, and a rotten
council house nosy neighbours,

useless bloody Husband
smoking himself to death.

Oh, what does it all matter now,

we're just three middle-aged
women getting through this

sod of a life.

Oh, that will be a nice one.

Vera could we have
you with the Panthers?

No can have me and a hammock

with an instant
whip you're paying.

Would you excuse me a moment.

I must have a word
that the bailiffs.

The note from the fan.

But I'm a huge fan darling.

How much have you paid her?

Only 5.

Not enough to leave the country,

which is what she
really wants to do.

You wouldn't believe how
many lives she's ruined.

Wouldn't we?

So your jigsaw shaping
up very nicely Pat.

Vera's is jail sentence.

You're nude modelling.

Oh, come on.

That was a fashion shot.

And of course your baby.

It's very easy to trace an
adoption these days, you know?

Yes I know he traced me.

He's a trainee
Physiotherapist in Winnipeg.

Not such a good
headline for you is it?

Pat Bedford secret
baby is a Canadian?

No they're very bad
news the old Canadians,

Still they've plenty to
send me down the tubes

without him.

This is really unfair this.

What's Pat was ever done.

Had a Father who died.

Had Mother who didn't know the
meaning of the word because,

sorry mom sorry. Well,
she was crap, but.

Had a baby at 15.
That's an accident.

There's no shame
in. And way's fine,

he's a Physiotherapist thingy.

Then she only goes on to become
one of the biggest actresses

in American television. I
mean, what has she done wrong?

You haven't have you our Pat?

You tell the networks,
there the ones who'll panic.

How many Peyton places did Mia
Farrow do after she ran off

with Frank Sinatra.

She had to adopt 12
Vietnamese orphans.

Just to earn a living.

Well I don't know you
can live with yourself,

But you're right
in a way, Margaret,

it is a marvellous story.

Wouldn't take too much to make
you almost sympathetic Pat.

You'd do that would you Stella?

Well I might.

You tell me everything.

Margaret tells me everything.

Me?

We got it all then you see.

This is Roseanne
Barr with knobs on.

I'll prove him free.

God I thick.

You've got abuse, neglect,

Prostitution, missing
sisters, lost babies,

rags to riches.

We're talking 12 weeks
at number one here.

Film rights, mini-series.

Who'd play Margaret?

Meryl Streep.

What about Vera though?

You'd have to tie her
down to an exclusive.

Otherwise she's a bit
of a loose hypodermic.

Sorry to be so long. I was
defrosting some kidneys.

Anyone we know?

Mom, did you have a lovers?

I don't think so.

I don't think I
knew what love was

till I bred my first Afghan.

You see what we really
need is a happy ending.

I never said the
job was rubbish.

I love the job.

Look, I'm up to
here in the wrong.

I am just one big
arse hole at times.

Everything in the
papers were wrong.

Jobs here, if you want it.

Well, I don't know, can I
take a week of my holidays

sort myself out?

Bella we're out of chips.

Keep you acne on Terminator.

Have a fabulous
week, you deserve it.

Um, Jim's not around is he?

Not turned up.

That Syreeta's hopping mad

'cause she's had
to mop up urinals.

Jim, do you want to
make it up or not?

Now just a minute.

No conferring.

If we're doing it, then
we have to get a place,

live together, none of
this fannying about.

We either go for
it or it's finito.

They'll be no living together

if I've anything to do with it.

You don't have
anything to do with it.

So button up or ship out.

It's your fault that
never learnt me to read

and I can never get
a qualification.

Yes you're on Margaret.

I've loved you since
the first minute

you gave me extra gravey.

You've given me care and comfort

and a wonderful sex
life, come here.

A sex life?

You've had a sex life.
Where have you had it?

On your bed.

Not on the Eiderdown?

I beg your pardon?

You can't promise to
deliver them by Friday.

Well, in that case, I
can't promise to wear them

for the Oscars.

Pose in them for Vogue magazine
or indeed patronise your

tacky little
third-rate operation

on any future
occasional good morning.

Yes please.

Yes that's the heavy one.

Claire, you check the bags in

and I'll go to the
VIP lounge with, er.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Well, I think it's a brilliant
wheeze jolly well done you.

I wish Margaret would
change her mind.

Would make the whole
thing jollyer wouldn't it?

Oh here.

Oh.

Thank you.

Safe journey.

You too.

Come on.

You could still come, you know.

Book an extra seat
for the makeup.

Nah.

I know there's nowt doing
here, but what can we do?

We have to give it a go.

Was quite fancy spending
some time with someone

that didn't think the sun
shone out of my backside.

Oh no so it doesn't.

I need you to visit.

Bloody well will.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, hang on.

What?

What are them?

It says in the letter.

I'll see you.

Champagne Miss Bedford?

Mm.

Madam?

Just call me Vera.

Cheers.

Who's that then?

Well, that's Jackie
Stallone, Sylvester's mother,

and that's Elizabeth
Taylor's mother.

They're very big at the
moment, celebrity's mum's

Are they really?

[cheerful music]