Scream Queens (2015–2016): Season 2, Episode 4 - Halloween Blues - full transcript

Previously on Scream Queens...

Someone is targeting the patients

- at the C.U.R.E. Institute.
- You know who the killer is, don't you?

I want a transfer to your hospital.

DENISE: I pulled a few strings

and had you transferred,

on the condition that you cooperate

with our investigation.

CHANEL: I'm getting married!

BROCK: I don't think you know who I am

or what I'm capable of, Chad.



The things I've done, the
things I'm willing to do.

The next body I touch with
these hands will be Chanel's.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SOBS)

Chad Radwell's dead!

Chad Radwell's dead!

We know. We were all there.

I mean, he just died
like five minutes ago.

How you already dressed
up like Jackie Kennedy?

In my grief, I ran across the street

and put on my old Halloween costume.

Well, our theory that the killer was

the 1986 mother or her unborn son



is out the window.

We thought that they
were seeking revenge

against this institution

by murdering its patients,
but, of course,

- Chad Radwell wasn't a patient.
- No.

Look, I'm just gonna be the
first one to say it...

we have another murder to
cover up, and, you know,

if the press gets wind of this,
there'll be a media firestorm.

And I just... I don't think
I could survive that

in my current state.

Where'd you go just then?

You got real ominous for no reason.

And what exactly is
your "current state?"

My state of concern

that the hospital will be shut down

before we've even cured
our first patient.

And that would be bad,

because you are curing patients.

They just keep getting
killed, like, right after.

(CHANEL WAILING)

You guys! Chad is dead!

He's dead!

We can all see that, okay?

He fell through the rafters in
the middle of your wedding.

Now can we please just stop screaming?

Excuse me?

How I choose to grieve the passing

of my rich, hot, dead fiancé

is entirely up to me.

I'm just saying...
we're all super upset.

Are you?

Are you upset, Number Five?

Because as far as I can tell,

I am the only one here

showing even a modicum of anguish.

I mean, did anyone else here think

to change into a costume with a subtle

Jackie Kennedy leitmotif

to show that the passing
of Chad Radwell

is a major event in
our nation's history?

No.

Is anyone else so bereaved

that they've lost control
of their bladder,

and they've started
relieving themselves

in the potted plants

in the hallway? No!

In fact, is anyone here

raging at the heavens
by peeing in places

you're not supposed to pee?

No!

So quit making this
about you, Number Five,

because this is about me!

(SHRIEKING, SOBBING)

DENISE: All right, that is it.

Get her out of here.

Today is my day! Chanel Oberlin,

bereaved fiancée of dead Chad Radwell.

DENISE: that goes for all of you.

I'm gonna need this room to myself.

We are going to follow FBI
protocol to the letter

on this one, ladies and gentlemen.

And that means I need to
examine the body alone.

Ebony, Ivory, get out of here!

Shoo, fly, shoo. Git, git, git!

Get to steppin'!

(DOOR SHUTS) I lied.

This ain't FBI protocol.

In fact, it's against FBI protocol

and everything I learned at Quantico,

and from watching the TV show Quantico.

I just... mm...

wanted to be alone with my sweet boo.

And now I'm real curious

about certain parts of your body

and its relative hardness,

now that this rigor
mortis done kicked in.

Oh, damn.

Chad Radwell, my on-again,
off-again lover,

Halloween is in two days.

And that was always our special night.

That's when our role-playing sessions

got particularly steamy.

DENISE: Remember that time
we acted out the plot

of Brokeback Mountain?

Howdy, I'm Jack. Jack Twist.

I'm Ennis. Ennis Del Mar.

And I am a gay cowboy.

Whoa! But I ain't queer.

I ain't queer either.

- Well, okay.
- Okay.

- Well, okay.
- Well, okay.

- (MOANING)
- Okay.

- Okay...
- Oh...

Oh!

Oh, no.

I can't quit you!

Don't quit me!

Chad Radwell, I promise
to honor your death

by dressing up on Halloween

as Mrs. Chad Radwell,

and finding out who killed you.

And if I die trying,

I will meet you up in heaven, baby boy,

at one of them no-tell motels.

And you'll do whatever you want

with all of this.

(SOFTLY): Oh... my baby.

(CRYING): Oh...

Oh, God, help me.

(SOBBING)

I don't understand. You
just asked the FBI

if you could transfer Hester

to my hospital, and they just said yes?

Actually, they texted
me a "thumbs up" emoji.

I mean, the whole thing
took place over WhatsApp,

so it only took, like, ten seconds.

Why, hello, Dean Munsch.

Agent Hemphill.

You appear to be wearing a
wedding gown this Halloween.

I am dressed as Mrs. Chad Radwell,

because my on-again,
off-again sometimes-sexy

role-playing lover was
murdered last night!

But you already knew that.

MUNSCH: No one can know the truth,

or they will shut this facility down.

MUNSCH: The killer isn't just

killing patients anymore. Why?

Why has the pattern been broken?

(SIGHS)

Who can say?

What I do know...

is that Halloween night is upon us,

and massacres tend to happen

in this hospital on Halloween night.

I hope you two are prepared,

'cause I have a feeling

that this year... is gonna be a doozy.

What do you suggest we do?

You know the killer is
someone in your ranks.

Throw a Halloween party
for your hospital staff.

They're the bait.

They'll draw the killer out,

and you can catch him yourselves.

Let me out just for one night

so I can go to the party.

What? Hell no.

No, we're not gonna do that.

But I'll help you solve the case.

You already did help us.
That was a good idea

about throwing that party.

But I want to go to the party.

How about this?

You tell us who the killer is,

and then we'll let your
crazy ass go to the party.

How 'bout I go to the party,

and not tell you who the killer is?

Why would we do that?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Dr. Cathy Munsch.

You're not gonna believe this.

All right, now that we're
all here, let's begin.

CHANEL: Hold on. How can we read

my beloved Chad's will

without his awful family here?

I'm sorry, I thought
you'd been informed.

When the Radwells heard about Chad's

impending nuptials to you, Chanel,

they all loaded into
one of the family 747s

and rushed here to try to stop it.

Unfortunately, on approach,
the plane crashed,

- killing all on board.
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

The entire family fortune

was passed to Chad, so when he died,

a short while after,

his will became the legal document

that determined where all
the Radwell money goes.

Exactly how much money is
all the Radwell money?

I mean, are we talking George Clooney E.
R. money,

or George Clooney first dollar gross

on Ocean's 11,

and owner of Casamigos Tequila money?

Do not answer that question.

You can steal my man,
with your ample booty

and admittedly beautiful weave,

but I will not allow
you to take the money

he obviously left for me
so I can be rich enough

for everyone to like me again.

I'm his wife, after all.

Technically speaking, you aren't.

He died before you got married.

The love of my life is dead.

Chanel-O-Ween is ruined again!

I have no money,

my friends are awful,

and I work in this stupid hospital.

I am sad.

And where I come from, a sad and skinny

20-something's feelings
are more important

than some silly little legal document.

Can we just move this along?

Yes. Thank you.

"I, Chad Radwell,

"being of sound mind and bitchin' body,

"do hereby leave all of my Benjamins,

"the majority of which
was made decades ago

"by my great-great-grandfather,
Mercury Radwell,

"through graft,
corruption, and bribery,

"and on the broken backs
of non-union labor,

"to... (GASPS)

"Dean Munsch and the C.U.R.E. Institute

for reasons that are
well-known to her."

Say what now?

MITCH: That's what it says.

He called and asked to have it changed

the day he died.

He never explained why.

Well, clearly he just
wanted his last act

to be one of generosity and kindness.

To make up for all the
awful things he did

while he was alive.

And I, for one,

am not gonna let Chad down.

So on behalf of all of the poor souls

who will have a chance to be cured,

you know, as well as
the obviously gaudy

pink mansion I'm gonna
purchase in Palm Beach

with my new, grossly
inappropriate salary,

I accept.

Chanel...

are you okay?

I think everyone should leave now.

(SLOW, DRAWN-OUT SCREAM)

(SLOWED GROAN)

(GRUNTING, SNARLING)

...terrible, I am so...

so sorry. No...

This whole thing stinks worse

than Number Five's lululemons
after a two-hour Pilates class

and Dean Munsch, you're the crotch.

DENISE: Do you want to
press charges against

this crazy ho, who still seems
to think that Chad Radwell

liked her better than me?

Even though he told me
on numerous occasions

that having sex with
you was like banging

a disinterested piece of plywood.

I will gladly arrest her ass.

No. No, it's not her fault.
The poor girl is grieving.

We need to give her the space

to process her loss... her way.

♪ ♪

- (TYPEWRITER CLICKING)
- _

_

_

_

♪ It's all about you... ♪

CHANEL: I used to love Halloween.

But now I'm poor, have to have a job.

My fiancé got murdered.

I find myself

in rather a dark place. (SNARLS)

So, instead of using my ugly cow fans

as pawns in a cynical ploy

to bolster my popularity
on social media,

by making it seem like
I actually like them,

I am gonna use this Chanel-O-Ween

to send my throngs of
homely, rural well-wishers

gifts that are so shocking and vile,

there's no way they'll miss the fact

that I actively hate them and
spend every day of my life

trying to avoid becoming...
just like them.

This Chanel-O-Ween,
I've looted the morgue

and everyone at the
hospital's biohazard bins

for presents for my
disgusting hippo fans.

You're welcome.

(SQUEALS, LAUGHS)

GIRL: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.
- (GASPS)

It's Chanel-O-Ween!

♪ It's all about you... ♪

Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)

GIRL: Her hand...

wrote my name!

"Barbara..."

- (SCREAMS)
-"... I hope this bag

"of rancid lipo fat

"can be used as lamp oil to brighten up

the disgusting hovel
you've chosen to live in."

(SOBBING): "You are a
shining example of why

euthanasia should be made legal.

Medicinal maggots!

This box is just filled with pus!

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Chanel sent me a bag of
diseased whore hearts!

SHANTELLE: "Shantelle,
you're everything I hate

"about everything.

Happy Chanel-O-Ween! Chanel."

(SCREAMING, LAUGHING)

There's this dumb bitch named Susan

who I visited two years ago.

She thinks I find her
story inspiring, so...

I guess we're just gonna have
to go visit her in person

to tell her how I really feel.

- (GASPS)
- (SQUEALS)

Look! I got you this box
of exploding corpse bile.

(GASPS)

You know I loathe you, right?

♪ It's all about you... ♪

BARBARA: Chanel, thank you

so much for putting me in my place!

GIRL: You are right Chanel.

I am garbage.

I love you so much. (SOBS)

♪ You are star bright. ♪

BROCK: I think you have
a viral infection.

You know, high-stress
situations can cause

our immune system to lose its potency

and make us susceptible to
all kinds of nasty things.

I am feeling pretty bad
about losing my Chaddy.

But I think my biggest stress

is that, for the second
time in my life,

a crazed serial killer has chosen

to target me and my friends.

And because of that, another
Halloween is kind of ruined.

I mean, why, Brock? Why do bad
things happen to good people?

Chanel, I'm a surgeon.
We don't do good or bad.

We do "can it be fixed, or can't it?"

I think the only thing that's
gonna make you feel better

is we find that killer and make
sure they don't kill again.

That's what we have to do.

Wow.

- I'm, like, totally damp right now.
- Mm.

So do you have any idea
who that killer might be?

Well, in my experience,
it's usually more than one,

with a single brilliant
ringleader pulling the strings.

Hmm.

You have to be a pretty smart cookie

to pull all those strings
and get away with it, huh?

Ivy League smart.

(CHUCKLES)

You should know that my
self-esteem is just low enough

for a conversation where we are
covertly intimating that you are

a crazed killer... it's
kind of turning me on.

Well, girls do love the bad boys.

Here's a solution of colloidal silver.

It'll clear that rash right up.

Silver? Uh, what about
bacitracin or something?

Just take it before you go to bed,

get a good night sleep,
and in the morning,

you'll be back to your old self.

(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)

(BEEPING STOPS)

(SIGHS)

(KNOB CREAKS)

(SCREAMS)

CHANEL #3: Oh, my God.

- How did you do that?
- (INHALES) I don't...

I don't know. I mean, I just
drank that stuff that Dr. Brock

gave me before bed and I
woke up and I looked like...

like this! I mean, just
kill me, kill me now!

It's actually kind of awesome.
Did you know

that Elizabeth I imposed
sumptuary laws that said

only people with royal
blood could wear blue?

I am not wearing blue,
Rhino Boob, I am blue!

The Egyptians considered it
to be the color of divinity.

I'm sorry. Did this crappy dorm
turn into a Doctor Who TARDIS

while I was asleep and transport
us all back to Ancient Egypt?

Are there slaves in
the kitchen making me

my poached eggs this
morning, Chanel #3?

Are we gonna worship
every cat we see today?

No?

Then I would love to know

how a society that died out
over a hundred years ago

is relevant to the fact that I
am the color of an icy pop!

I mean, this is totally gonna ruin

- the staff Halloween party for me!
- Wait.

This is perfect!

What?

Now you don't have to
worry about a costume.

You can go as a blueberry!

Or...

a Smurfette.

Or a super bummed-out mood ring.

Get out!

Get out. Get out!

Get out! Get out!

(SOBS)

("RHYTHM OF THE NIGHT"
PLAYING OVER RADIO)

(MOCK SNARLING)

(CHUCKLES)

♪ You'll be doing fine
once the music starts ♪

♪ Oh, feel the beat of the
rhythm of the night ♪

♪ Dance until the morning light ♪

♪ Forget about the
worries on your mind ♪

♪ You can leave them all behind ♪

♪ Feel the beat of the
rhythm of the night ♪

♪ Oh, the rhythm of the night ♪

(CRASH IN DISTANCE)

(GASPS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(GASPS)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(GRUNTS)

I beat the Red Devil,

and that was before my FBI training.

You think I'm scared of a giant booger?

And I know who you are
underneath that mask.

(GRUNTS)

(YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

Come on! (GRUNTING)

To hell with this.

I'm not playing around.

It's time...

for you to die.

(GUN CLICKING EMPTY)

(PANTING)

HESTER: Agent Hemphill, I presume?

Special Agent.

And you got yourself a deal.

I texted my higher-ups at Quantico,

and they agreed to release
you tonight, for 24 hours,

when Halloween officially begins.

- You will wear this anklet.
- (BEEPS)

That way, they'll know if you
leave the hospital grounds.

Now, at the stroke of midnight,

after I've had a few cocktails,
danced a little bit,

and made out with a couple guys,

you will tell us

who the killer is.

You will not tell anybody

about this arrangement,
because if you do,

you will be sent back to
the asylum like that.

You will wear this costume,

and you will keep

this mask on at all times.

- Is this a Jason costume?
- Yes, it is.

With you in this costume, it'll
be easy to keep a eye on you,

'cause nobody wants to
be Jason on Halloween.

Yes, they do. It's, like, the most

popular costume of all time.

Nuh-uh! Maybe on Friday the 13th.

If anything, people want
to go as Michael Myers.

I've never seen Halloween.

Me neither. But I know

Mike Myers played the bad guy.

It was, like, the movie he did
right after Wayne's World.

Anyway, here's the axe
to go with your costume.

And remember:

I gots my eye on you.

CHANEL: Chanel-O-Ween is supposed to be

the most magical night of the year.

But this Chanel-O-Ween,
my life is in tatters.

First, I find out that
whore Dean Munsch

has inherited the
entire Radwell fortune.

Then, I see that dumb security
guard wearing my wedding gown.

And then, I turn blue.

CHANEL: There you are,

you bitch.

I know you're in on it.

You had Chad murdered

because you couldn't stand the fact

that he was gonna marry me.

And here you are, in my wedding gown.

I mean, you may as well have
just signed a confession.

First of all...

I look amazing.

And I'll admit, I was
surprised when I tried it on

and it fit like a glove.

'Cause, you know, we got
different body types.

My body type is...

"woman."

And yours is...

"malnourished Victorian paperboy."

And second,

Chad Radwell was never gonna marry you.

In fact, just a few weeks ago,

during our American Beauty
role-playing session,

he said, and I quote...

♪ ♪

Run away with me, Angela.

I've been living a lie.

I don't love her anymore.

I only love you.

Oh, Lester.

You given me the vapors.

Ah...

It's a good thing this tub is
filled up with rose petals,

'cause that way you
can't smell my toots.

Kiss me.

CHANEL: He just said that

because it's the plot of the film!

Is it?

'Cause I don't remember nobody

in that movie saying
they had the vapors.

Just admit it, you
murdered Chad Radwell!

Shh! You stupid ho!

I ain't murdered nobody!

If anybody is behind my
sweet boo getting murdered,

it's that Dean Munsch.

She was the one that inherited
the Radwell family fortune.

And she probably had help

from that "Shay-day" Zayday Williams.

It's time to enlist the
help of an old friend

- who always tells the truth.
- Who?

My old talking board, that's who.

We're gonna talk to Chad
from beyond the grave,

and ask him who he loved more

and find out once and for
all who murdered him.

Mm, there is nobody

who loves trafficking the dark arts

like this top FBI recruit
from Quantico, Virginia.

Bitch, I'm in.

(SCOFFS)

Chanel, I've been looking
all over for you.

I mean, not literally, but in
my mind, I was looking for...

Oh, my God, it's true.

Uh, that you poisoned me with a bottle

of nickels and dimes
minted before 1964?

Yes, it's true.

This doesn't make any sense.

The amount of silver that
I put in the solution

was tiny... micrograms.

This shouldn't be happening.

I have a feeling that someone
tampered with my mixture.

Oh, who would do that?

I need the cure!

Well, there is no cure for Argyria.

What?!

Well...

But in the spirit of this
hospital, gosh darn it,

I'm gonna find one.

Of course, the next
few days, I'm booked.

I mean, we do have the party and all,

and I, and I scheduled an
appointment for laser treatment.

- (WHISPERS): Ear hair removal.
- Mm.

And I've got to get
to the dry cleaners.

But after I get all that done,

I promise I'm gonna come
up with a miracle cure.

Dean Munsch,

I demand that you have Dr.
Brock arrested immediately.

On what charge?

For assaulting me with silver!

And... probably being in
cahoots with Denise Hemphill

in murdering Chad and a
whole bunch of other people

with his serial killer hand!

MUNSCH: Chanel, look,

I know you are feeling a tad blue

right now,

but Dr. Brock Holt did not murder Chad.

He has an airtight alibi.

He does?

That's wonderful.

I mean, I didn't want to believe

that it was true, but after the silver

and I knew you were jealous of Chad,

I just... oh, I didn't
know what else to think.

Forgive me?

You know, he and I

were having a little
of the jiffy stiffy

in my office, right before the wedding,

right when Chad was being killed.

What?!

Well, see, I was
distraught, and I, and I,

and I needed comfort, and-and
Dean Munsch was there.

Do you always keep a wig and
a corset in your office?

Mm-hmm. Okay, I don't understand

how all these middle-aged
women keep stealing my men.

Perhaps it's because you insist
on Snapchatting during sex.

That was one time!

You know what?

I am done.

I am done with medicine, I'm
done with this hospital,

and I am done with all of you.

I'm leaving.

Oh, no, no, no, you cannot leave

until the Halloween party.

Because we need a lot of bait
here to lure the killer in.

- Then take in some more patients.
- I don't know much

about running a hospital, but
I do know if we bring in

patients just so we can
get them killed...

Yeah, no, no, no, we're not bringing in

new patients until the
killer is caught.

Look, Chanel, I'm sure

once you develop
personally, professionally

and physically, you'll have
no trouble keeping a man.

This is the place to do that.

Stay.

No. Never!

Catch the killer without
me, because I am out!

Ivanka Trump?

That costume is insane.

Who is that... Number Three?

What are you doing here?

There's no patients in this wing.

I'm serious.

Who are you?

Okay, this is just creepy,
so I'm gonna, I'm gonna go.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPING)

(HIGH-PITCHED SCRAPING)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

Help, somebody!

Ivanka Trump is trying to kill me!

Ow!

(SHRIEKS)

And then I took my heel and
threw it right at her face

and just ran as fast as I could.

I mean, I don't know why
she didn't follow me.

CHANEL #5: Well, Chanel,
you are safe now.

But that does sound terrifying.

Hold on, back it up a second, Chanel.

What was the mask the
killer was wearing?

Ivanka?

Ivanka Trump! (GASPS)

What is it?

Why are you guys looking at Chanel #5?

CHANEL #3: Because earlier,

we helped her with her
Ivanka Trump costume.

It's hanging in her closet.

Okay, let's hold on one sec.

I have been here all day!

Except for when you
made that phone call.

I was FaceTiming with somebody.

Liar! No one wants to
look at your face.

Where's the costume, Number Five?

(GASPS)

I have no idea, Chanel!

Somebody must've taken it!

You lying, murdering bitch!

Of course you're the killer.

What are you even talking about?

I was attacked, too.

Allegedly.

Yeah, nobody saw it happen.

CHANEL: You could've
easily faked the attack

and left a trail of green slime
behind to throw everyone off.

I mean, sure, you seemed upset,

but you're barely holding
it together on a good day.

CHANEL #3: Yeah.

You had a full-on panic attack
that time we caught you

eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise
straight from the jar.

It is so unfair of you to try
to kill me, Number Five!

I am telling you, I didn't do it!

Oh, stick a hot dog in it, you manatee.

You and I are officially
not friends anymore.

Did you know that I wanted to
go as Ivanka Trump this year?

Hmm? Yeah.

She is an inspiration to us all.

She's like the Chelsea Clinton

from a parallel universe if
Hitler won the second World War!

Okay, Chanel, I am telling
you, I didn't try to kill you!

And don't even think of coming
to the Halloween party later.

You can't uninvite me.

This party is for all
of the hospital staff.

And I will be there.

Come hell or high water!

If you show up to that party...

we'll kill you.

(ROBBIE NEVIL'S "C'EST LA VIE" PLAYING)

♪ C'est la vie ♪

♪ C'est la vie ♪

♪ That's just the way it goes ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ C'est la vie, c'est la vie ♪

- ♪ That's just the way it
goes ♪ - ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Oh, mmm ♪

♪ Baby's gone all alone... ♪

All right!

Now, remember, we are
not here to have fun.

We're here to draw the killer out.

So, Chanels, feel free
to wander off alone.

This is the worst Halloween
party I ever been to.

Man, look at these costumes.

Brock, what the hell
you supposed to be?

I'm the script of Batman v Superman.

You look like a bloody mess.

(WHISPERS): Exactly.

I'm sure I'm not the only one

deeply offended by
Zayday's ISIS costume.

I told you, I'm Isis,
goddess of Ancient Egypt.

It's a totally different Isis.

I'm death.

I thought it would be a good idea

to get comfortable being
really close to it.

Maybe even find a way to love it.

Well, I got to give you props, Chanel.

Actually turning your skin
blue for your costume?

That's a real commitment.

I respect it.

Dean Crunch and Munsch,

what you supposed to be...
George Washington?

Hamilton.

Hamilton, you know, the
Broadway, huge hit musical,

Hamilton?

I don't know it.

It totally reinvented musical theater.

- Right?
- (CHANEL GASPS)

It's that murderous traitor, Chanel #5!

Somebody keep her away from me!

ZAYDAY: We told you to
stay home, Number Five.

It's for your own good.

CHANEL #5: It's not fair

that just because
someone attacked Chanel

and I have a tendency to
be a little unstable,

I don't get to come to the party.

Who the hell you supposed to be?

Ivanka Trump.

The Donald's first wife?

No, dear, Donald's first
wife was Ivana Trump.

Ivanka is his daughter.

- The one he wants to...
- CHANEL #5: What?

I thought that Ivana and
Ivanka were the same person!

I mean, who names their
kid after their wife,

- and just adds a random letter?
- Girl, bye.

(GASPS) Ow!

Wait, so if she's Ivana Trump,

then who's that dressed as Ivanka?

(CHANEL GASPS)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(PEOPLE GROANING, COUGHING)

We have patients.

(PATIENTS CLAMORING)

We were all at a Halloween party!
Help us!

Ah, bees! Oh, so many bees!

Chamberlain, get control
of Chewbacca, man!

I'm trying; these
Wookiees are powerful!

I just don't understand why
everyone's acting so crazy!

Why don't you get some IVs.

And someone please help
Lin-Manuel Miranda

before he swallows his tongue.

What the hell is going on?

We don't know yet. We've
got a dozen new patients,

all presenting with symptoms
of severe psychosis.

(WOMAN RETCHING)

And vomiting.

So, they were all bobbing
for apples and...

I wasn't, but they all were.

What the hell happened?

I just grabbed one to use as a prop

for my Snow White costume,

and then I noticed
everybody started totally

- freaking out.
- Saint Anthony's Fire.

I love that movie.

No, it's not a movie.

It's what they called ergot poisoning

in the Middle Ages.

Ergot was a fungus that grew on crops.

If ingested, it would cause
hallucinations, seizures,

diarrhea, vomiting, nausea...

That's it. Ergot was on these apples.

That's why everybody is sick.

Zayday, I need a dozen saline drips

with a 200 microgram infusion
of sodium nitroprusside.

Sodium nitroprusside?!

Yes. It's a vasodilator.

Yes, I know.

I also know that it gets
metabolized into cyanide,

which can be extremely toxic.

We're talking acidosis,
ischemia injury,

Bell's palsy, Erb's palsy,

basically any kind of palsy.

This is not a discussion.

If we don't start helping
these people right away,

they're gonna lose limbs to gangrene.

Okay, what happened?

It's ergot poisoning from
bobbing for tainted apples.

I don't agree with Dr.
Holt's assessment.

- You don't agree with my assessment?
- It might be ergot poisoning,

but if we're wrong,
these folks can end up

with all manner of palsy.

Please, just give me 15 minutes to
talk to everybody and find out...

You have ten.

Five. Ten!

I need all hands on deck!

Where is Chanel?!

Chad Radwell.

It's Chanel Oberlin

and Special Agent Denise Hemphill, FBI,

and we summon you from
beyond the grave!

(GASPS) It's moving.

Are you moving it?

- Hell no! Are you?
- No!

Wait, let's ask him a question

to make sure it's him and not that

gaslighting bitch Chanel #2,

who's currently getting
motorboated in hell

by Genghis Khan.

Okay, um...

Chad, who did you love more?

Me...

or Chanel?

(DENISE SHOUTS)

(LAUGHS) He's spelling "Denise."

- I knew it.
- Okay, hold on.

I'm gonna ask him a question you
couldn't know the answer to.

Chad...

it's Chanel.

What is the name of your goat

that you secretly keep
in your house and milk

because you're lactose intolerant?

Say what now?

"R"... "A"... "M."

Rammy! He's spelling "Rammy."

That's the name of his goat.

It's him!

CHAD: Hello, Chanel. (SCREAMS)

Oh, speaking of, do you
mind killing for me?

Wait, what?! Kill who?

Rammy.

News flash, you know, I'm super dead.

I really miss that little guy.

(CHAD'S VOICE): So, if you
wouldn't mind distracting him

with that little tin can he
likes to chew on, and just...

- (IMITATES CUTTING)
- I'd really appreciate it.

I mean, I just told
Jesus all about Rammy

and I know he really wants to meet him.

Oh, Chad.

You're in heaven?

Yeah, of course I'm in heaven.

You know why? 'Cause I'm awesome.

By the way,

Jesus and I are buds.

Golfing buds.

Still buds.

Great golfer, by the way.
Also, good-looking dude.

Wait... how is this happening?

Uh, I don't know.

You tell me. You got the talking board.

(CHAD'S VOICE): It's
probably a ghost situation.

I think I'm pulling a
Swayze and I'm momentarily

inhabiting Denise Hemphill's

(SINGING): body...

Yeah.

Don't get any ideas

'cause we can't bone 'cause, obviously,

Denise doesn't have a wang.

Okay, Chad, I need to
ask you something.

Who did you love more? Me or Denise?

- Denise.
- What?!

Yeah. Definitely Denise, hands down.

I mean, you're obviously,
like, way richer,

which is great,

but Denise... that girl is fun.

That chick knows what she's doing.

I mean, the first time we made love,

ten back-to-back orgasms.

Okay, we can stop
talking about this now.

No, I'll talk about it all night.

I'll talk about how smoking hot
Denise Hemphill is all the time.

Okay, Chad, you need to tell us.

Who killed you?

Oh, my God, I am so
happy you asked that,

'cause when I found out
I was, like, P. O.'d.

I was like... you're gonna be, too.

Just wait... the person
who killed me is...

wait for it...

I mean, just hold on,

'cause it's a real doozy.
All right, ready?

Uh, like, seriously, I want
you to guess right now.

You're gonna be like, "What?!

I wouldn't have guessed
that in a million years."

Okay, Chad, just say it!

Fine. The person who killed me

is...

Chanel! Denise! Come on.

Damn it!

(NORMAL VOICE): Ooh, what
the hell just happened?

I was just talking to Chad
through your possessed body.

He was gonna tell us who the killer is!

Come on, whatever! It's an emergency.

(GRUNTS)

Ooh.

Y'all slow down. I got a headache.

Oh! Damn it!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hello?

(GASPS)

Who is that?

Chanel?

Okay.

Well... first of all,

I think that Ivanka Trump
is such a better costume

than Smurfette.

I mean, they're sort of
similar in the sense

that they're both token
women who are used as pawns

and live in a fantasy world.

Smurfette is so '80s,

whereas Ivanka Trump is so
of the moment, you know?

I mean, she could
literally be appointed

minister of propaganda any second now.

(GASPS)

Oh, come on, Chanel.

Are you seriously going to kill
me over a Halloween costume

when we have an E. R. full
of Lin-Manuel Mirandas

and they're all tripping balls?

This is all...

much ado about nothing.

You are Ivanka.

I am Ivana.

You get to be the sexy young face

of a psychopathic, ultra right-wing,

authoritarian regime bent
on destroying everything

that's good about this country,

and I... am the old, hag mother,

tossed aside for a fresh piece of ass,

just like so much human garbage.

Thank you.

Can you please help me

with these I. V. bags?

They are surprisingly heavy
and I'm pitting out...

like...

a hospital full of terrified partygoers

who might end up dying.

This is the best Halloween ever.

(GASPING)

(COUGHS)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHS)

So, Miss Thing, let
me get this straight.

You ate a apple, but you
didn't bob for apples.

Is that right?

That's right. I thought
an apple would go great

with my Snow White
costume, so I grabbed one.

And then it looked really
good, so I ate it.

And you didn't start hallucinating?

That means it can't be ergot poisoning;

otherwise, she would be sick, too.

I did notice one thing.

♪ Strut, pout, put it out... ♪

SNOW WHITE: At one
point, a really tall guy

in a slimy, green swamp costume came in

and changed out the water.

♪ Strut, pout, put it out ♪

♪ All talkin' and no givin' ♪

♪ Watch me, baby ♪

♪ While I walk out the door. ♪

You should've said that
from the beginning.

But... bobbing for apples
can't be that sanitary, so...

whoever did that, that
was super nice of them.

It wasn't the apples
that were poisoned.

It was the water.

Okay, so the apples are
fine, just like you said,

but... the water tested positive
for dimethyltryptamine, DMT.

What the hell is DMT?

They call it "the spirit molecule."

It's the active ingredient

in a hallucinogenic
drug called ayahuasca.

I mean, the dosage

was insane, but provided no one died

of a heart attack for getting the
bejeebus scared out of them,

and we keep them hydrated,
they should be able

to recover in a few hours
with no long-term effects.

Ayahuasca's a serious
drug, but rarely fatal.

Well, that's good news.

I'm going to go inform
some of their families.

Mm.

Oh, Zayday...

you're gonna make an
excellent physician.

Not much of a serial killer,
that Green Meanie, is he?

What do you mean?

Trying to kill a party full of people

with a drug that isn't lethal.

Sounds pretty stupid to me.

Maybe he didn't want to kill them.

Maybe he wanted a distraction.

CHANEL #5: Help!

(COUGHING, GASPING)

Good Lord!

Hold on, Number Five.

We gonna get you to a hospital.

Well, I mean, I know we in a hospital,

but we gonna get you

to the right part of this hospital.

Not the spooky, deserted
storage area of this hospital.

He's here.

What?

The Green Meanie.

(GASPING)

I dare you.

You tried to kill me with punch?!

Now I'm-a shoot you

for ruining my Khaleesi costume,

you son of a bitch!

Just as soon as I get my gun.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Oh!

You didn't need to do that.

- My heart is fine!
- (GASPS)

(PANTING): Okay...

that was a lot of electricity.

No, no, no, no.

Seriously, the Hemphills

don't have a history of heart trouble.

- (SCREAMS)
- CHANEL #5: Denise.

No... Denise.

(GASPING)

(CRYING): Denise, no.

Please, no.

Help.

Help!

Denise. Denise.

299 --> 00:36:40,834
I was like... you're gonna be, too.

Just wait... the person
who killed me is...

wait for it...

I mean, just hold on,

'cause it's a real doozy.
All right, ready?

Uh, like, seriously, I want
you to guess right now.

You're gonna be like, "What?!

I wouldn't have guessed
that in a million years."

Okay, Chad, just say it!

Fine. The person who killed me

is...

Chanel! Denise! Come on.

Damn it!

(NORMAL VOICE): Ooh, what
the hell just happened?

I was just talking to Chad
through your possessed body.

He was gonna tell us who the killer is!

Come on, whatever! It's an emergency.

(GRUNTS)

Ooh.

Y'all slow down. I got a headache.

Oh! Damn it!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hello?

(GASPS)

Who is that?

Chanel?

Okay.

Well... first of all,

I think that Ivanka Trump
is such a better costume

than Smurfette.

I mean, they're sort of
similar in the sense

that they're both token
women who are used as pawns

and live in a fantasy world.

Smurfette is so '80s,

whereas Ivanka Trump is so
of the moment, you know?

I mean, she could
literally be appointed

minister of propaganda any second now.

(GASPS)

Oh, come on, Chanel.

Are you seriously going to kill
me over a Halloween costume

when we have an E. R. full
of Lin-Manuel Mirandas

and they're all tripping balls?

This is all...

much ado about nothing.

You are Ivanka.

I am Ivana.

You get to be the sexy young face

of a psychopathic, ultra right-wing,

authoritarian regime bent
on destroying everything

that's good about this country,

and I... am the old, hag mother,

tossed aside for a fresh piece of ass,

just like so much human garbage.

Thank you.

Can you please help me

with these I. V. bags?

They are surprisingly heavy
and I'm pitting out...

like...

a hospital full of terrified partygoers

who might end up dying.

This is the best Halloween ever.

(GASPING)

(COUGHS)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHS)

So, Miss Thing, let
me get this straight.

You ate a apple, but you
didn't bob for apples.

Is that right?

That's right. I thought
an apple would go great

with my Snow White
costume, so I grabbed one.

And then it looked really
good, so I ate it.

And you didn't start hallucinating?

That means it can't be ergot poisoning;

otherwise, she would be sick, too.

I did notice one thing.

♪ Strut, pout, put it out... ♪

SNOW WHITE: At one
point, a really tall guy

in a slimy, green swamp costume came in

and changed out the water.

♪ Strut, pout, put it out ♪

♪ All talkin' and no givin' ♪

♪ Watch me, baby ♪

♪ While I walk out the door. ♪

You should've said that
from the beginning.

But... bobbing for apples
can't be that sanitary, so...

whoever did that, that
was super nice of them.

It wasn't the apples
that were poisoned.

It was the water.

Okay, so the apples are
fine, just like you said,

but... the water tested positive
for dimethyltryptamine, DMT.

What the hell is DMT?

They call it "the spirit molecule."

It's the active ingredient

in a hallucinogenic
drug called ayahuasca.

I mean, the dosage

was insane, but provided no one died

of a heart attack for getting the
bejeebus scared out of them,

and we keep them hydrated,
they should be able

to recover in a few hours
with no long-term effects.

Ayahuasca's a serious
drug, but rarely fatal.

Well, that's good news.

I'm going to go inform
some of their families.

Mm.

Oh, Zayday...

you're gonna make an
excellent physician.

Not much of a serial killer,
that Green Meanie, is he?

What do you mean?

Trying to kill a party full of people

with a drug that isn't lethal.

Sounds pretty stupid to me.

Maybe he didn't want to kill them.

Maybe he wanted a distraction.

CHANEL #5: Help!

(COUGHING, GASPING)

Good Lord!

Hold on, Number Five.

We gonna get you to a hospital.

Well, I m