Scream Queens (2015–2016): Season 1, Episode 5 - Pumpkin Patch - full transcript

Previously on Scream Queens...

Today is the day
that I declare my intention

to run for president
of Kappa House.

All of your lives are in danger.

There are dead bodies.

Real-life dead bodies.

WESTON:
Dean Munsch,

you got to shut down
this campus immediately.

GRACE: We have to file
a missing persons report.

Someone's kidnapped Zayday.

Ladies, we have a pumpkin patch
fund-raiser to attend to.



HESTER: I am so excited. I
cannot wait to meet Cliff Woo.

CHANEL #5:
Who's Cliff Woo?

CHANEL #3: He's a party planner.
He did Chanel's Sweet 16.

The theme was
"Let Them Eat Cake,"

so my dad bought me this
foreclosed McMansion

down the street, and, like,

500 of my closest friends
came dressed

in 18th century attire, and, oh,

the pool was filled with this,
like, caviar slurry.

And then at midnight,
we just burnt the house down.

When the firefighters came,
they were actually strippers,

and they put out the fire
with champagne.

Chanels, this is Cliff Woo.

So walk me through this, honey.



Well, as you can see,

every pumpkin in
the patch is artisanal.

Ooh, good.

Love the warty white ones.

They look like Number Five
when she runs out of concealer.

Then we move past
the ice sculptures

of demonic peeing cherubs...

and yes, they will all be peeing

vodka and Red Bull.
Love!

And that brings us right over
here to the corn maze.

I'm sorry. Corn maze?

I know. It's just that

doing an exact replica
maze from The Shining

would have taken us way over budget
on man power alone.

I told you money was no object.

I am gross rich, Cliff.

So get me, with great haste,

my exact replica

of the maze from The Shining

with knee-deep snow drifts.

I'll see what I can do.

Okay, music.

Go.

I contacted Adam Levine

and Maroon 5 is in.

Great. Go.

Okay, well, the good news is,

I talked to Fergie's agent,
and she's in.

The bad news is... and
this is totally on me...

but I Googled "Fergie's agent"

and ended up talking
to this British guy

before I realized his
client was actually

Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York.

So, my bad,
both Fergies are coming.

So stupid.

But go.

Okay, so, um,

I wasn't able
to get Led Zeppelin.

- What?!
- Well, apparently, one of them died or something.

Damn it, Number Five.

Do you have any idea
what's at stake here?

If this Black Hairy Tongue
Pumpkin Patch Maze Concert

isn't the biggest thing to
ever happen to this campus,

I will lose
the Kappa House presidency

and Chad Radwell will dump me.

Okay, well, it's not my fault
that some guy died in the '70s.

Excuse me?
Then whose fault is it,

mine?

I am tired of the excuses,
Number Five.

I am tired of your sad-sack,

I'm-a-total-downer-all-the-time
schtick.

I ask you to reunite

one legendary
rock and roll outfit

so that guys will show up
to my patch,

and you're all
like, "Oh, some guy died."

(stomps) I'm over it!

We still have
one more thing to do.

Oh, my God,

why are you so depressed?

My husband was shot
in Dallas, idiot.

For this year's Halloween,

the Chanels will be going

as the wives
of fallen presidents.

I am Jackie Kennedy.

Number Six, you will be going

as the emotionally fragile
Ida McKinley,

whose husband was felled
by an anarchist's bullet.

Number Three,

you will be going

as homely and religious
Lucretia Garfield,

the bereaved wife

of President James Garfield.

Hold up. No way.

Why do I have to
be the homely one?

There's only so many murdered
presidents, Number Three.

What about Mary Todd Lincoln?

Chanel #5 is Lady Lincoln, obvi.

Wait, what do you mean, obvi?

Just a second, nutbag.

If you're gonna be
a pain about it,

I guess we could open it up
to presidents

who were almost assassinated,

so you can either
be Betty Ford...

which means you'll have
to get wasted

and stay wasted all night...

or you can be

alleged Hollywood mattress
Nancy Reagan.

Dibs. I'm Nancy Reagan.

Wait, why am I
Mary Todd Lincoln?

God, do I have to spell it
out for you?

You're out of your frigging
gourd, Number Five.

You're a weird, psycho lunatic

who's gonna end up
in an asylum somewhere,

staring at a wall,
trying to nurse a watering can.

You're a Mary Todd Lincoln
if ever there was one.

That's it!
I can't take this anymore!

That is such a Mary Todd Lincoln
thing to say.

No!

I am done with you, Chanel,
and I mean it.

Do you mean it, Number Five?

Because you scream "I'm done
with you" kind of a lot,

and yet
you're still standing here.

Do you know what I think?

I think you know you have
a good thing going.

You get to bask in my starlight

as I do all the work

and you get to grumble
behind my back

about how disrespected you are.

Well, you know what you can do?

You can either dress up
as Mary Todd Lincoln

and help me win this presidency,

or you can pack
your things and leave.

There's the door.

There's the door, bitch!

I am so sorry, Chanel.

You did not deserve
to be spoken to like that.

Ever.

♪ Don't close your eyes ♪

(screaming)

♪ Don't fall asleep ♪

(screaming continues)

♪ Don't turn around ♪

♪ I'll bury you deep ♪

♪ Whispers turn to screams ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ To me. ♪

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
WEB-DL resync by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.

All right.

I've gathered

your two houses here
because it seems like

you are the students most likely
to be killed

by the alleged psychopath.

WESTON: And we got to make
a real plan

to keep you guys
safe going forward.

Wait, wait, hold on.
We can't move forward

because we are not all here.

Why isn't anyone doing anything

about Zayday's abduction?

Because clearly this
fake kidnapping

is a play to get
the sympathy vote.

So Gone Girl.

That is bollocks!

No, you're thinking of Gravity.

Everybody stop!

Now,

Dean Munsch,

are you or are you not
closing down the campus?

Yes.

No! No!
No!

Why?

It's Halloween!

This is the biggest candle
night of the year!

I hate you right now!

(indistinct shouting)

Order in the court!

I took a class last semester

called "American Presidents"

or something like that.

And they taught us about a man

named
John Fitzpatrick Kennedy, Jr.

And that dude wrote a book
about the time he served

in Vietnam called
Profiles in Courage.

Is that not what we are
talking about right now?

Courage?

Halloween is
the greatest night of the year.

Greatest night.

Because on this night,

even kind of shy,
kind of homely girls

dress up like total sluts.

I mean, every costume is just
a slutty version of something.

Slutty teacher,

slutty nurse,

slutty nun.

I saw a girl last year
dressed as slutty al-Qaeda.

Are we gonna deny ourselves

the sluttiest night
of the whole year

out of fear?

Will you look at Caulfield?

This dude got his arms

sawed off;
he's not hiding out.

He is down to rage!

Hell, yeah, I am.

See, Halloween...

it's a night for dudes
with killer bods

to walk around
with our shirts off.

And it's totally appropriate,
as long as we call ourselves

gladiators,

Chippendales.

As our great 60th president

John Kennedy Jr. said...

"The only thing we have to fear

is fear itself."

Well, in this case,
serial murderers, too.

But we are not afraid of either
of those things, uh-uh.

So...

...canceling Halloween sucks.

Thank you.

I have no idea how
you got into this college.

And, sorry, curfew is on.

Halloween, canceled.

(indistinct shouting)

Girls, it's okay!

Look, we'll just hang out
and play charades!

No! No! We won't!

This cannot be happening!

Hey, what about
Black Hairy Tongue Disease?

I mean, does nobody here care
about Black Hairy Tongue?

What about my pumpkin patch?

Sorry.

Not sorry.

Chanel.

I blame you for this.

Hester, nice boobs.

CHANEL:
Dear Student Body,

As you all know by now,

Dean Munsch has decided
to cancel Halloween.

My daddy's lawyers said there
wasn't enough time

to file an injunction

and that I clearly
don't understand

what an injunction is

if I asked them to file one
in this situation.

That said,

I refuse to allow Dean Munsch
to keep us

from stopping the scourge

that is
Black Hairy Tongue Disease

in its black hairy tracks.

So, while I will honor
the Halloween curfew,

I will not let anyone miss out
on coming out in costume

to support a great cause

and to make me look really good.

That is why I am opening
my charity pumpkin patch

at 12:01 a.m. on November 1.

It will be on the corner

of Awesome Street
and Totally Bitchin' Avenue.

Join me in saying
you are not afraid!

And remember...

Chanel Oberlin

is above the law.

(computer beeps)

Hey, Chanel #5.
What are you doing?

Just baking some cookies

for the neighborhood
trick-or-treaters.

Mmm, what kind?

Uh, they're toenail cookies.

What?!

I noticed last year that a lot
of neighborhood children

have been dressing up
for Halloween as Chanel.

Wearing classic Chanel looks

that I helped come up with.

Pink fur coats

worn in all weather...

my idea.

Flapper dresses made
out of feathers...

also my idea.

Oversized sunglasses
worn everywhere...

my idea, my idea, my idea!

So why are you baking
toenail cookies

and giving them to children?

Why are you hurting them,
instead of hurting Chanel?

Okay, whose side are you on?

Because very recently,

you called me a bitch
and then showed me

where the door was.

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

I'm what you call
a "switch-hitter."

Wait, are you bisexual?

Because that's what
"switch-hitter" means.

Do you mean "double agent"?

Okay, what, yeah.

A double agent.

See, I have an idea.

Jennifer, can we talk
to you for a second?

What are you writing?

A tart missive to Dean Munsch
for canceling Halloween.

Do you know how big

Halloween is
in the candle community?

(gasps)

Is this an ant farm?

Actually, it's an ant family,

This is the Sandberg family.

There's about a million of them.

There's a mom ant, Deborah,

who mostly just lies around and
she has about 100 husband ants,

who come around
and give it to her good,

which she really enjoys.

And then there's about
a million sterile daughter ants

who feed her and are her slaves.

So, an ideal family.

So Zayday is running
for president.

And she's going to lose.

There are only eight girls
in this house.

You guys, Chanel and Chanel #3

will all vote for Chanel,

which means Zayday would
need Sam and me and Grace

to all vote for her,
and then it'd be a tie

and Chanel remains president.

But if Chanel #5 and you and I

throw the votes to Zayday...

She'd win.

And then I'd beg to be
her second-in-command,

while quietly pull the
strings behind the scenes

like Dick Cheney.

Chanel #5 will be rewarded
by getting to run

the Pumpkin-Patch-Shining-
Fergie-and-Fergie-Concert.

I don't really want that.

And maybe you will get
a really exciting job

like treasurer.
(slow gasp)

This plan involves a lot
of circuitous logic.

Like, why would Zayday just
make you vice president?

Wouldn't she ask Grace? I mean,
they're, like, best friends.

Chanel has a closet full
of Diptyque candles

that she lights once

and then throws away
because they're used.

What?!

Show me.

(screaming)

Oh, my God!
Those are, like, $100 each!

They're the highest
quality candles

that can be purchased retail.

I could melt them down
into one large candle!

What a brilliant
and revolutionary idea.

So what do you say?

(indistinct whispering)

Excuse me,
Ms. Oberlin?

Are you cheating?

God, no.

Kai Zi is my Asian.

Excuse me?

He's not in this class.

He's not even enrolled
in this school.

I keep him on retainer
to come take tests with me.

Anything math or science...
Hand in your test.

I'm reporting you
to Dean Munsch.

This is a clear violation
of the honor code.

You must be new here.

Who are you calling?

My daddy.
I'm gonna get you fired.

(knocking)

MAN:
Excuse me, Professor?

Hi, it's Chanel.

Yes, thank you so much.

Chanel Oberlin.

Chanel Oberlin?

You are under arrest for
the murder of Ms. Agatha Bean.

(crowd clamoring)

CHANEL:
Chin up, Chanel.

At least you wore
something nice today.

Remember to smile
for your mug shot.

It'll be on Gawker by sundown.

CHANEL:
Oh, my God!

I'm burping uncontrollably
like Robert Durst.

They'll know I'm guilty!

(siren wailing)

(faint music playing)

Hello?

Hello?!

Somebody help me!

(music gets louder)

♪ Do you really
want to hurt me? ♪

♪ Do you really want
to make me cry? ♪

♪ Do you really
want to hurt me? ♪

♪ Do you really want
to make me cry? ♪

♪ Do you really
want to hurt me? ♪

- ♪ Do you really want to make me cry? ♪
- (screaming)

Ah, I'm glad you're all here.

It's lunchtime.
Where else would we fake eat?

Now that Chanel
is finally under arrest,

we can start doing things
the way we want around here.

And the first matter
of business should be

to find our kidnapped
sister Zayday.

Actually, as Number Three,

I'm next in line
and in charge here.

And you can sum up my viewpoint
on this with one word...

indifference.

Guys, Zayday is out there.

Probably getting
tortured right now.

We are her only hope.

Look, I'm all for Zayday
not being tortured

or killed or whatever,
but don't you think

a girl who wants
to be president of this house

should be able
to prove her abilities

by escaping from the lair

of a psychopath?

That has nothing to do with

being sorority president.

Actually, in this sorority,
it would be

a pretty powerful
campaign platform.

Sometimes, in order for a person
to achieve their full potential,

they have to do things
on their own.

Are you guys
seriously going to desert

our friend like this?

I am in charge here!

Need I remind you that there
is a curfew on this campus

and this house is already
on Dean Munsch's poop list?

What do you think is going to
happen if she catches us all out

checking every closet and
killer's lair to find Zayday?

She'll finally have grounds
to kick us all off campus.

How do you think
making all of us

get expelled is protecting us?

Now, please leave.

It's time for the entrée.

Come on, let's go
ask my dad for help.

I thought you two were fighting.

He's my best friend.

He's the one person my whole
life who's never let me down.

(moaning)

It's... it's hard

because I'm a man, you know?

I love that you're a man.

But it's just ever
since Grace's mom died,

I just haven't found...

I haven't found the one.

Yeah, Grace's mom, yeah.

I know what you mean.

♪ The way he moved,
it was a sin ♪

♪ So sweet and true... ♪

Oh, my God,
is this "Black Velvet"?

Oh, you know it.

This is the most sensual song
ever written.

We need to do this right now!
Oh, okay...

♪ Black velvet... ♪

It's just so unlike her.

If you call Zayday,
she's gonna call you back

while you're leaving a message.

Hey, Dad?

I think he's home.

I hear his '90s music playing.

Oh, my God!

(excited clamoring)

♪ Black Velvet... ♪

Go in... another room.

Dad?

High, we were h-high-fiving.

What are you doing?
I just saw her boobs.

Hang on, I can explain.

Your father and I
were on a salad date,

and we just started talking...

A "salad date"... what is that?

Is that, like, a thing?

Oh, a salad date is, it's like,

it's more casual than dinner,

but more formal than coffee.

Sure. Um...

I just wanted

to come by and let you know
that Zayday is still missing.

Oh, no... oh, no.

Grace, that's terrible.

We got to find her.

I'll help.

So will Gigi.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yep.

As soon as I find
my Cavaricci's.

Whose pants are these?
That's weird.

They're in the kitchen.
I don't know why.

Look, hey.

I'm really...
I'm really sorry, honey.

We should talk about this.

Hey, Dad, I'm cool, I promise.

You know, you're a human being

with feelings and needs, right?

I get it.

You know, and I'm totally fine

that you've moved on
from Mom... really.

Um, but enough about me

and my confusion
and sad dead feeling inside.

We need to find Zayday.

Right, we should talk
to Dean Munsch about this.

Yeah.

And then I asked my dad to bail
me out and he's all like,

"We have a big
stockholders meeting

"coming up in a couple of weeks

"and I'm about to endorse
Ted Cruz, so I'd rather not

"do anything that could
get me bad press right now,

like being the father
of a murderer and stuff."

And so he needs to pretend
that I don't exist... again.

It just really hurt my feelings.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure
my so-called

friends are the ones
that turned me in

so I'm just feeling, like,
super alone right now.

Don't worry, Chanel.

We got your back.
Thank you, Millie.

Look, I don't know
if you remember this, but, uh,

you sent me the most amazing
fake severed foot

filled with jelly beans
for Chanel-o-ween

last year right before I killed
that gas station attendant.

Man, I am your
biggest Instagram fan!

I-I just think you are
a style genius.

Stop!
And I'm here to tell you,

any friendships you make
on the inside

is the real kind.

Thank you, guys.

I will never be able
to repay you

for the kindness
you've shown me in here.

Besties for life, I say.

MAN:
Oberlin.

Your bail's been posted.

Later, losers.

Uh, wha...?

♪ Set me free,
why don't you, babe? ♪

♪ Get out of my life,
why don't you, babe? ♪

♪ But you keep me hanging on ♪

I knew you'd bail me out.

Well, technically, my dad did.

I told him college textbooks
are getting crazy expensive,

so he wired me $300,000
no questions asked.

Chanel #3, Predatory Lez,
you are true friends.

I'm famished.

I wouldn't mind stopping at
Wendy's for some barbecue sauce

to dip our cotton balls in
and then finding Chanel #5.

It's high time
for a little GD payback.

Can I just say
what a relief it is

to be able to share it with
somebody and not feel judged?

You know, I mean,
all my girlfriends

are like, "That's immoral."

"You should be
ashamed of yourself!"

Ashamed?

What the hell you
got to be ashamed for?

You should be proud.

A foxy lady your age

getting some sweet coed tail.

I could've lost my job.

And it wasn't even good,
you know?

I mean, it lasted, like,
45 seconds, and the whole time,

it just felt like I was getting
stabbed in the abdomen.

Wait, hold on... are we talking
about Chad Radwell here?

Yeah.
Chad Radwell?

What you talking about?

I slept with Chad, too,

and it was amazing!

I tied him up and I kept
my uniform on

and proceeded
to read him his rights.

My favorite being:
"You got the right

to remain sexy."

(laughs)

Give me some!

You know he's sexy!

(laughing)

That was one of the best nights
of my life.

Granted, when Chad and I
get together,

it's mostly about
the role-play.

I mean, we go on for a while.

But that's because we both do
extensive character research.

So there's a surprising amount
of dialogue.

Dean Munsch?

We need your help with Zayday.

We don't know
who else to turn to.

Well, I've already contacted

the police department,
despite the fact

that a person can't
be considered "missing"

until at least
72 hours has passed.

She could be dead by then.

She could be dead now!

I'm sorry.
That's morbid.

But she could be.

She probably is.

Zayday Williams ain't dead.

I keep tellin' y'all...

Zayday is the killer!

No, that's insane.

There is no way
she's the killer.

Bitch had a chain saw

in her room.
Yeah, well, if the police can't help us,

we gotta figure
something else out.

I don't know, the FBI.

A private investigator...

I've already hired
an investigator.

I placed a call

to a company I trust,

Secure Enforcement Solutions.

Oh, good Lord.
Yes.

(chuckles)

Denise Hemphill

is gonna find Zayday Williams.

And then I'm gonna throw her
in the slammer

for murder in the first.

Hold on. If she thinks
Zayday's the killer,

which is absolutely insane...

Chain saw under the bed.

...then she shouldn't be leading
the manhunt to find her!

I would think that
that would make her

extra motivated to find her.

Thank you.
WES: Well...

I'll tell you this much:
Gigi and I

are going to do
everything we can

to find her.
Right, honey?

Right.

What, are you two a couple now?

Mm-hmm.

Oh!

(huffs) Come on.

We need to go find her.

The sun sets in an hour.

DENISE:
That's right.

Halloween is upon us.

And the Devil is
gonna come a-runnin'.

What the hell are you doing?

Where's your Mary Todd Lincoln
outfit, Number Five?

There can't be two
Jackie Kennedys.

You sold me down the river,
bitch.

You lied and told Munsch
that I killed Ms. Bean.

Well, you did kill Ms. Bean,

but I wouldn't rat you
out to anyone!

Liar!
(gasps)

Hester told me everything.

And then Number Five said
she was gonna turn you in,

she just didn't know
who to tell first,

Dean Munsch or the cops.

Isn't that right, Jennifer?

And then she said
once you were behind bars,

she was going to spread a rumor

that the only reason
you're skinny

is because your parents
stole your kidneys

just like Gary Coleman's did.

Wait, Gary Coleman's parents
stole his kidneys?

I would never say that,

because I'm pretty sure
that never even happened.

Well, why does it feel so true?

And why does ratting me out

sound like exactly
something you would do?

Because Hester's
trying to frame me, obviously!

Her name is Chanel #6,
Chanel #5.

You know,

I've never thought of myself
as a killer,

but I am seriously considering

ramming this pick into
the back of your eye socket.

Or, you can elect

a different punishment.

Go get that pumpkin patch ready.
But there's a curfew tonight, okay?

The killer is obviously going
to be out.

Maybe you'll get
your head sawed off.

I can't think of a better
Chanel-o-ween treat than that.

You're a psychopath, Chanel.

I'm not doing it.

Interesting.

Well, fine, then.

I guess I'll just have
to resort to plan "B."

I'll show Roger and Dodger
video proof

that their hot new girlfriend

regularly rubs it out
in her room

while watching
Dora the Explorer.

You have cameras in my room?

I have eyes everywhere, bitch.
(pick clatters to floor)

The name of my future perfume
is Revenge.

Remember... I want candles

in every jack-o'-lantern!

Okay. This is a map of town.

This is where Zayday
was last seen.

I say we fan out in a radius
around this point

and go door to door,
asking if anyone's seen her.

GIGI: Well, buckle up,
'cause I've got one.

Yeah.
You ever heard of glaciers?

When the glaciers melted
in the last ice age,

they left several
different soil types

scattered about the region.

Now, I happen to know

that the house on Shady Lane,

where Zayday was last seen,

had a red clay substrate

in both the front and back yard

and poor drainage.

How is that something
you just happen to know?

Look, if Zayday was kidnapped
outside the house

and put up any kind of struggle,

there would be wet clay
all over the getaway car.

Okay? And the kidnapper

would probably want
to get rid of that,

so I'm thinking we should go
to every local car wash

and ask them
if they've had any customers

with weird red stains
in their trunk.

That is stupidest thing I've ever heard.
PETE: Wait, wait.

Zayday's grandmother.

Have you...
have you tried calling her?

No, but maybe
she knows something.

Last week Zayday called her
from my phone

because her phone died.

(gasps)
Hold on! That's it!

"Find My Device."
It's an app.

Every smartphone
has a GPS in it.

Even if it's dead, it can still
tell us where it is.

We just have to log into her account.
PETE: Got it.

What's the password?

GRACE:
Ah, crap! Uh...

God, I feel like
I should know this.

Uh, Zee, I can't...

I just can't eat
any more of these.

You don't love Oakland Nachos?

They're amazing!

I mean, I love 'em so much,

they're my password
to everything.

Oakland Nachos! Her password is
"Oakland Nachos."

Okay, it's searching.
There it is. We've got an address!

1283 North Haverbrook Court.

All right, boom.
Y'all come and help me

load up the car.

I got all manner
of spy gear needed

to catch that murdering

Zayday Williams.

Come on!

Hey, Grace?
Can-can we talk

for two seconds?

Look, I-I'm sorry
that you're upset

and you saw...

I'm fine, Dad,

I just think it's weird.
You know?

We tell each other everything,

and you couldn't
give me a heads-up

that the first person
you choose to date

is A) somebody I know

and B)...

(whispering):
obviously mentally disturbed.

Probably...
Shoot, guys, I can hear you.

Oh, my God, what is going on?

Why are y'all still in here?

This ain't The Marriage Ref!

This ain't Judge Joe Brown.

We ain't on the Maury Show!

We ain't standin' in line

trying to get tickets
to Dr. Phil!

I am not Steve Harvey, people,

and this ain't the Family Feud!

I'm tryin' to catch a killer.

Now, come on!
Help me get the spy gear

in the car! Damn!

♪ ♪

Honestly, Chanel #5,

you have nothing
to be afraid of.

Seriously. We fought
the Red Devil before.

And only one of us

got his arms sawed off,
so, I mean...

Thanks, guys.

Look, let's just light
all these jack-o'-lanterns

and then get the hell out of here.
All right.

(whispering):
Dodger...

let's go in there.

(screams)

(screams)

Please help me!
Chanel #5, are you okay?

It's the Red Devil! Let's bash his car!
No!

First, let's protect Chanel #5!

(panting)

(Chanel #5 panting)

Which way?

This way.
No, it's this way.

I promise.
How can you promise?

We're in a maze, you don't know
where you're going!

Ah!

ROGER:
Brother against brother.

I always knew
it would come to this.

What are you doing?

The killer is right behind us.

We have to go!

No, Chanel #5.

You need to pick one of us.
Forever. Right now.

What? Why?

And why are
we doing this right now?

ROGER:
He's right, Chanel #5.

Spit-roasting you
caused my brother and I

to fall in love with you.

Neither of us are content

with sharing you anymore.

That's right, Chanel #5.

You need to choose one of us.

And if you choose my brother,
you're choosing

his side of the Eiffel Tower
forevermore.

Why are we doing this right now?

Choose, Number Five.

Pick a side of the Eiffel Tower.

Fine, Roger!

You.
I'm coming with you.

So be it.

Our footprints.

In the snow!

We're leaving footprints
in the snow.

The Red Devil's just going
to follow the trail.

Just walk backwards
in our footsteps

and we'll throw him off.

In your own footsteps.

Okay.

I've got to warn Dodger, though.

Shh!

ROGER:
Dodger!

Watch out for your footprints!

Watch out for them how?

ROGER:
Be sure to walk backwards

so the Devil won't find you!

Oh, I get it.

Thanks, Roger!

(Dodger screaming)

DODGER:
Oh, God!

Help me! Oh, God, help!
This way.

Dodger!
No, come on!

We have to go!
(Dodger continues screaming)

I rented my cellar

to a dream tenant.

I rarely see him.

They pay the rent on time,

in cash, every month.

Okay, everybody take a Taser.
Yeah.

Also got some compasses
and some decoder rings.

What about flashlights?

Aw, crap!

I forgot the flashlights!

Grace, when we get down there,

you stay close to me, all right?

What am I supposed
to do with this?

Not a damn thing,
darling little old lady.

What's wrong with you?

I think we need
to split up into teams.

Okay, I'll go with Denise.

You guys go right
and we'll keep to the left.

If anybody gets scurred,
scream real loud,

and I will come a-runnin'.

(Pete and Wes shout)

This is so creepy.

Not as creepy as that.

WES:
What the hell is this place?

(metal clangs)

(gasps)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Zayday!

Zayday!

DENISE:
Uh-uh.

It smell like booty in here.

Yeah.

I'm getting a nervous
feeling in my stomach.

I might start farting.

If I cut some, you promise
not to tell anyone?

I... No, I won't tell anyone.

Geez.

GRACE:
Zayday!

It's empty.

Zayday isn't down there.

(they shout)

DENISE: (shouts)
The lights went out.

(gasps)

(saw buzzes)

(screams)

Oh, my boob!

You tased the Red Devil.

GRACE: Denise!
Denise, where are you?

Stay where you are!

I'll come and get you!

I'll be right back.

Don't... don't
go nowhere.

ALL:
Over here!

Ooh, I got to catch my breath.

What's happened?
What's going on?

Hold on.

Ooh, this is nice.

Um...

Gigi tased the Red Devil.

Well, first I accidentally tased
Gigi right in the boobs.

That had to hurt.

But she didn't let that
stop her, uh-uh.

She got that Taser and bop!

She hit the Red Devil
right in the throat.

Why are we still standing here?

Come on!
Let's go.

This way!

What happened?

Where'd the Red Devil go?

He got away.

WES:
Are you okay?

Yeah, he just jumped up

and hit me across
the head with a bat

and then ran up the chute.

Crap! I'm-a get
that murdering bitch.

No, call the police.

Tell them we found
the Red Devil's lair.

WES: Hey, Gracie,
look, I got it.

GRACE: Gigi, I-I can't
believe you did that.

You risked your life for us.

Oh, no, I didn't.

I mean, I did,
and it hurt a lot.

But, you know,
I care about you girls.

No, no, no-no, it's
1283 North Haverbrook Lane.

North.

Yes, I actually do have
the coordinates.

I guess I knew the day
was always gonna come

when my dad met somebody,

and now I'm actually glad
that that somebody is you.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Guys, she's saying...

Really sweet stepdaughter-
stepmother moment.

It's really beautiful.

I ran all around
this house real fast.

And the Red Devil
is nowhere to be found.

Uh, uh, wait a minute.

Neither is Zayday Williams.

Coincidence?

I think not.

CHANEL: Okay, ho-bags,
tonight we cast our votes

for the next president
of Kappa House.

Don't Grace and Zayday need
to be here for us to vote?

According to the
Kappa Kappa bylaws

written over 175 years ago

just before the War of
Northern Aggression,

the president can call
for an election

at any time and for any reason.

It looks like you just
crossed some stuff out

and wrote that in in marker.

This has been the worst
night of my life.

My pumpkin patch was canceled
because one of those idiot twins

decided he'd rather get killed
than keep boning Number Five...

Okay, can we talk about
that for a second?

Because it just happened
a few hours ago,

and I'm still
really traumatized.

What about me?
I have to live with the fact

that no one got to see
how awesome my maze was

and that I've done nothing
to stop the spread

of Black Hairy Tongue Disease.

I need some cheering up
right now.

And if that means
rigging an election

so that I can
be president again,

I expect you all
to be my friends

and accept that.

Everybody, grab two marbles.

You drop a white marble
in the box for me

and a black one for Zayday.

Let the voting begin.

Not so fast.

You're alive.

Damn straight, I'm alive.

Can't be the next president
of this joint if I'm dead.

Excuse me, darling,
I'm exhausted.

Thank you.

May I have a Diet Coke,
please? On the rocks.

Actually, make it regular...
I've been through a lot.

Is Grace with you? No.

Good, then we can still vote.

Wait, we need to hear
what happened to you.

The Red Devil kidnapped me
and took me to his evil lair.

- He kept me in a pit.
- Did he dig the pit himself?

How should I know?

Just wondering where you find
a house with a pit.

The market for them
would be pretty limited.

HESTER: Did you escape,
or did you kill him?

Because if you did,
you need to tell us

all of the details,

including what
his eyes looked like

when he took his last breath.

They say in that moment,

the soul tells
all of its secrets.

No, they don't...
no one says that.

Yeah, they do.
This story is boring

unless it involves
him torturing you.

He didn't do anything
to me at all.

Except send me down little
treats in a basket.

Uh, a Nintendo game,
Kiehl's products.

It was actually quite lovely.

Then, suddenly,

a ladder came down.

I climbed up, and what I saw
made my blood run cold.

Oakland Nachos?

Huh.

I get it.

You like the chocolate
swirl, don't you?

I've always had a
thing for bad boys.

(chuckles)

But I hate little bitches

that kill my friends!

Wait a second, the Red Devil
is in love with you?

Okay, that is so unfair,

because it literally took me,
like, three years here

for a guy to even look at me.

Wait, if he ran here from there,

then you know where he lives.

We need to call the police.

No, kitty puncher,
that can wait.

We need to vote now
before Grace shows up

and makes it harder
for me to win.

We are all very impressed

by your alleged escape
from the Red Devil.

I, for one, think we should take

this tall tale into account
when we vote.

I don't believe a word of it,

and I would have
a really hard time

casting my vote for a liar.
(door closes)

She's telling the truth.

I was there.

I saw the pit and everything.

My God, Zayday,
I am so glad you're okay.

We went to go rescue you,
but you'd already escaped.

Aw, thanks for trying,

but you know you
shouldn't worry about me.

I'm like black Die Hard.

Ugh, fine, you didn't lie...

or you're both lying...
I don't care.

I can't believe Deaf Taylor
Swift and Number Two are dead

and you two are still alive.

Now, if you're done,
grab some marbles.

It's time to vote.

♪ ♪

GIGI:
You're late.

That got way out of hand.

He's got to go.

Do you understand me?

Good, take care of it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got a salad date
with a very special someone.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
WEB-DL resync by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.