Scorpion (2014–2018): Season 3, Episode 20 - Broken Wind - full transcript

Previously on Scorpion...

I just want a huge wedding.

I never dreamed I'd marry
a babe like you, I...

It's the greatest
accomplishment of my life.

I just...
I want everyone to know it.

I'm a little closed, and
that's not the best way for us

to start our new life together.

If our marriage is gonna work,

I need to be able
to express myself better.

The Warlock's Chest storefront

is 90 years old.



Old enough to fall
under the auspices

of the Historic
Zoning Commission,

so I am filing papers
to prevent its destruction.

We may have lost the war,

but Sly won the battle.

I'm gonna ask Cabe
if he wants to hang out tonight.

I think he could use a friend.

That was empathy.

Walter identified
emotional pain in someone else

and demonstrated empathy.

You can't empathize
if you haven't been through

a similar situation yourself.

The heir shall approach.

Our brotherhood was threatened



by those who wished
to vanquish our realm,

but they were smitten... Smote.

They were smoten.
No. Just smote.

They were smote

by the brave defender

of The Warlock's Chest,

Sylvester the Conquestor.

And in the tradition
of our forbearers,

we present thee
with the Stone of Valor.

Wise Dyfrost, it is with

the greatest humility
that I do accept...

Sorry.
I just got to put this away.

Gary. We're knighting someone.

Mini-fridge doesn't
stock itself, boys.

Okay? All right,
back to your skit.

Okay, well, let's just...

finish the ceremony. Right?

I get the Goblet of Yar and then

I drink the Blood of the Condor.

To The Warlock's Chest.

Damn it.

I forgot the fruit punch.

Guarantee no kids
in Russia or China

are doing this goofy crap.

Shame on you for hacking this.

I didn't. Sly must've plugged
into their security cameras

to download the ceremony
to his laptop,

which he forgot to close.
I found it running

on a loop when I came in.

It's uncomfortable.

I feel guilty watching this.

I feel sick watching it.

Yet no one's looking away.

Good morrow, compatriots!

Good morrow

to you, fine sir!

That's a fancy little brooch
you got there.

It is not a brooch.

It is a stone of valor.

Not a big deal...

Kind of a big deal.

Happy,
I think these pages are yours.

Wedding To-Do List??

Wow.

It's long. Yup.

That's 'cause big weddings
are stupid time-sucks...

which we will look
back upon one day

and realize was worth
all the hard work.

Nice save.

Well, I can help you with it

if you want.
It's fun, getting registered,

floral arrangements,
trying on dresses.

Hi. I'm Happy Quinn.
We've obviously never met.

I'm serious.

There's a lot on that list
that has to be done

and you need someone
to assist you.

Someone who loves weddings,

someone like a maid of honor.

Okay, I get the incredibly
unsubtle hint.

But we're not having
a wedding party.

We're keeping it simple.

No maid of honor? No best man?

The best man tradition is based

on the morally questionable
tradition

of 16th century Goths

picking the man ?best?
at stealing the bride

from the neighboring village
the night before the wedding.

That's a good point, Sly!

Plus, I got three amigos.

Couldn't bear breaking
the heart of two of them.

I can see where having
to select one of us

could disrupt the team dynamic.

Plus, I can't have Cabe or Sly
upset at being shunned.

Here we go.

What makes you think
it'd be you?

Well, as Toby's oldest friend

and employer,
I'm the logical choice.

So if he doesn't pick you,
he's fired?

Well, how about the fact
that without my sage advice,

he never would've landed
this little filly?

Now I'm being compared
to a horse?

Thank you for getting
this ball rolling, Paige.

Happy, may I interject?

No.

I am clearly the best man here.

First and foremost,

I bear the Stone of Valor.

Plus, Toby and I are very close.

You married my sister
without telling any of us.

Besides, who are you
to comment on wedding parties?

At least I was never
married to Happy.

The ex-husband as the best man?

Gross. So, Toby, old pal,

if you were gonna choose
one of us, who'd you pick?

I don't like to deal
in hypotheticals.

Did you hear that ding?
I heard it.

That means Happy's testing
is finished.

Follow me to see the results.

This is very exciting, isn't it?

What do we have here?

Prep for our Department
of Energy windmill gig.

Built a couple of winches

to run a stress test.

They've been going
on for 72 hours.

This is currently what is
in the D.O.E.'s windmill.

Standard steel,
already signs of wear.

Problem with wind farming

is wind hardly ever
takes a break,

so the equipment
needs constant maintenance.

Especially on the experimental
bladeless windmill

we're upgrading.

But I made this one from
a graphene alloy I designed.

No wear. They'll
increase longevity

of the new bladeless
turbines by over 60%.

Okay, well, I'll
call Mr. Macholz

at the Department of Energy,

and tell him we're on
our way to the wind farm.

And I am going to get
my ornithology binoculars.

Where the wind farm is located

is home
to Geococcyx californianus,

also known as...

the roadrunner. Meep, meep.

Hey. Hold up a second.

Are you sure you want Walt
to go to the D.O.E.?

Last time he did that,
he cost Scorpion a gig.

He's fine. He's working hard

on his communication skills,
he's making progress.

Don't need to work
on my communication skills.

Naturally personable.
Everybody loves old Sly.

I'm not picking a best man!

You need to work on your
interpersonal skills, Toby.

I will never cease to be amazed

at what humankind can build.

Energy Valley is amazing.

Wind farms, solar panels,
natural gas veins.

And coming soon,

a touch of Scorpion brilliance.

Okay, I'm done.

Okay, guys, Sly is linked
in to the turbine's server.

As soon as you're done
with the gear installation,

he can monitor
the electrical output.

We're almost fully installed,

old parts replaced with new,
graphene-alloy counterparts.

Offset hexagon key wrench?

Walt's running test diagnostics.

Ran test diagnostics.

And everything is
as it should be.

Great. Mr. Macholz,
we're just a few moments away

from finishing the installation,
and we'll run a live

electrical output
soon thereafter.

And thanks to the D.O.E.
for giving us another shot.

We love turbines.

Really big fans.

You get it?

Fans?

Um, okay. Well, we'll call you

when we're on the ground
with the results.

Did you get the joke, Toby?

It's the kind of humor
that goes over well

in toasts.

That joke went over
like a submarine.

A best man speech
has got to have zingers.

You got to rip them apart,
like Rickles.

I suggest
you don't insult your guests.

Public speaking
has a formula, Toby.

You have to combine
the concise verbiage

of Kennedy speechwriter
Arthur Schlesinger

with the witty wordplay
of tunesmith W.A. Yankovic.

Who's Rickles?

You morons are arguing

over a best man position
that won't be filled.

No wedding party, remember?

I don't care
that there's no best man.

I just want to know
that if there had been,

it wouldn't have been
Sly or Cabe.

And I was just saying
you were making progress.

While the rest of the team
finishes in the control room,

I'd like to present
you with this,

The Cape of Windsor.

Windsor? Like William
the Conqueror's Windsor Castle?

No. This was manufactured
in Windsor, Ohio.

But that's not important.

What is important
is last evening,

The Knights of West Altadenia

assembled
for a vesting ceremony.

And it was deemed that your
contributions to my campaign

to help save The
Warlock's Chest shall not

go unheralded.

Boy. This ain't good.

My roundtable and I

would like to invite
you to be knighted

into our clan.

Only the noble of spirit
and pure of heart

have been invited to join.

And afterwards, we play
Fantasies and Frolics

and there's s'mores,
so, you know, fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is a...

This... hell of a cloak.

- Cape.
- Cape.

It's a hell of a cape. But...

You know, I'm not,
much of a game guy.

Never been. So...

I know. I just figured,

since you and Happy
started playing Stratego...

Well, that's true,

but that's,
that's strategy and warfare.

That's within my wheelhouse.

Well, Fantasies and Frolics
covers over 12 eons of battle,

from the Minotaur Rising
to the Troll Conflicts.

Get ready for Sly heartbreak
in three, two, one...

Yeah, see there,
that's the problem,

there's this whole history
that I don't know,

and I-I don't want to ruin it
for you guys.

So...

But I tell you what.

I appreciate the invitation.

You, you go tell the fellas
that I say thank you.

Sure.

Thank God that's over.

That was brutal.

Okay, all set here.

You two head down,

I will help Toby pack up.

'Cause that is what
a good man would do.

Some would say, ?best man.?

Just start packing the manuals.

We'll need to track the
gears' heat coefficients

once the turbine is turned on.

I will call out the readings,
you can jot them down?

Sure.

It's funny
how you trust me to monitor

multimillion-dollar equipment,

but not with choosing
a wedding dress.

Why do you care that
I don't want a maid of honor?

You're being weird about this.

I am not being weird about

the maid of honor thing,
I'm being weird because,

I don't know, I just thought
maybe we'd grown close

over the past couple years.

What?

We're-We're friends-ish.

I like you just fine.

What a ringing endorsement.

Happy...

Are you even listening?

No, the other
gondola's grip is loose.

Hey, Sly, does that
look normal to you?

That gondola's not stable.

It's about to break.

They're falling!

We need to stop the cable wheel.

Happy!

Paige, are you okay?

A little banged up,
but all right.

Except for the hanging-150-
feet-up-in-the-air part.

The D.O.E. must've repurposed

a gondola from a ski lodge
or something.

The mechanics weren't designed
for high winds.

Repetitive stress

had to have caused
parts failure.

How'd you stop the free fall?

I improvised a brake.

That won't last long.
I'm just eyeballing it,

but it seems to be
slipping about two inches

every 15 seconds,
and we've only got about,

15 feet of cable left.

That's eight inches a minute.

That gives us
22 and a half minutes

before the cable runs
through the works,

and that gondola falls.

Copy that.
I just got off the phone

with the fire department.

Their tallest
ladder is 100 feet.

What about a rescue chopper?

Closest one is helping a hiker

who fell down into a ravine.

What about the crane
that built this thing?

They take hours to set up.

What about a jumper's pad?
Well, not from this height.

Besides, what would
we even build it out of?

Guys, every 15 seconds we're
two inches closer to splatter,

and I don't want Ralph being
raised by four lunatics.

So just get us
the hell down from here.

We can't do that.

Are you kidding me?

This is the one thing
you guys can't figure out?!

No, I mean
we can't get you down,

so we're gonna have
to get you up.

Walt, I've been getting in shape
for the wedding,

but deadlifting 2,000 pounds
might be a bit much for me.

Mass times gravity
times diameter divided by two.

It's elementary school science.

So, we can reconfigure parts
of the turbine to make a winch,

just like the winch
that Happy used

to stress-test the gear
at the garage.

You could use the winch
to lift us.

All the components you need
are in the mechanics

you've got up there.
This could work.

As the turbine turns,

the cable wraps around it,
but we'll need at least

five feet of cable
to wrap around the winch.

That means we don't have
15 feet of cable

and 22 and a half minutes.

We have ten feet of cable

and 15 minutes.

Okay. Let's hurry

and puncture a hole
in the drive shaft.

You left the drill in the back
of the truck, didn't you, Happy?

I ?left? it?

I left the drill in the truck

because I wouldn't need it
here up in control room.

Really? That's crazy
because I'm thinking

of a way I need one right now!

Man, they sound like
they've been married for years.

This can't weigh more
than four pounds.

No one has that good of an arm.

We're not gonna throw it.

We're gonna float it.

Now, get the tarp
from the truck bed

and I will find a heat source
that will seal the seam.

This lighter should
provide enough heat.

Mind cluing me in here, Sly?

We're building a balloon.

We're gonna fill it
with methane.

There's not enough jerky
in the world

for you and I to fill
this thing with methane.

Not from us.

This is Energy Valley, remember?

There are natural gas lines
crisscrossing this region

a few miles from here.

You drive while I cut and melt
the tarp's plastic into shape.

Okay, Sly and Cabe
are making the balloon.

Walter and Toby are prepping
the winch. We got a shot.

We'd have a better shot
if I was building that winch.

Hey, that's uncalled for.

Toby and I are more
than capable of...

We don't need capable,
we need masterful.

Get back to work.

Okay.

We're all a little tense
for good reason.

How about we try
and keep our mind off things?

Let's go over
your wedding to-do list.

Each item we get through,
the closer we are

to Cabe and Sly
getting back here.

No, thank you.

Okay, we have
to occupy our minds.

First thing, flowers.
I like calla lilies.

Roses are nice. Um, white
stephanotis are beautiful.

I don't want to do this.

Fine. Let's-Let's talk location...

a beach wedding is romantic.

Okay, would you just
shut it already?

Guys, right now is not
the best time for fighting.

It's a very good time
for teamwork, though.

Quiet, Toby.

Yes, dear.

Sounds like you guys
have been married for years.

Look, I'm just not into talking
to you about the wedding, okay?

Right, 'cause
we're only friends-ish.

We're friends.

Of course we're friends.

You're like the first non-genius
I could ever stand.

It's just that all the flowers
and pink taffeta,

it's just not my bag.

I'm a genius, not a cheerleader.

Not how I meant it to sound.

It depends.

Did you mean it to sound
obnoxious and rude?

'Cause if so, you were
right on the money.

It came out wrong.

No, it came out accurately.

You-You guys love facts,
you just stated one.

You're a genius.
I'm a dumb cheerleader,

and I'm too stupid
to be friends with you.

Paige. No, d-don't worry

because, for the next
few minutes of our life,

this stupid pom-pom girl

won't bother you anymore.

And by the way,

I went to the '01 nationals,

and I was top
of the pyramid, baby.

Getting there.

Getting there.

Okay, gears are secured and
greased for maximum rotation.

We just need that drill.

We've lost a
few feet on the cable.

We're running out of time.

Sly, we got
under ten minutes left.

Hurry up with that tool,
you tool.

Nearly done with the heat seal,
and don't call me a tool.

Come on, kid.

Okay, ready. Let's go.

Okay.

I got the opening over
the methane valve.

Is this thing
really gonna float?

It's lighter than air

and crazy flammable. Careful.

All right. It's working!

They're gonna be here soon.

You know, one of us is
gonna have to reach out

over this platform and
grab that balloon.

That's just what I was thinking.

That's a long way down.

That's why I should do it. Okay.

I had a whole explanation
about how it's treacherous,

and-and since
you're getting married,

you shouldn't take the risk...

Unnecessary.
I don't want to do it.

That's too high, but you'll
definitely earn best-man points.

Good luck.

Guys, Cabe and Sly are back.

Okay, Walter, I did some

quick calculations based
on wind speed, trajectory,

the weight of the tarp
and the drill...

Would you just let it
fly already?

You got it.
Godspeed, power tool.

That's some upchuck.

Get it?

Piece on the drill
is called a chuck.

It's going up. Upchuck.

Your best man speech
will be hysterical.

There it goes. Our only shot.

And if a guy who never played
sports can't catch it,

we're screwed.

Okay. It's 20 feet away.

15 feet.

I'm gonna hold
onto your belt loop.

No, no, don't touch. Crap.

Crap. Crap.

Got it, got it.

It's a good thing I had ahold
of your belt loop?

Stop playing grab-ass
and drill the winch hole.

Guys, in one minute
the gondola will fall.

Start the turbine.

Look, I'm almost ready.
Just hang on.

No pun intended.

Okay, cable's through
the hole of the drive shaft.

Start it up.

Okay, cable's secured.

Ladies, I am about
to remove the only thing

that has been keeping you
from plummeting to the earth,

but it seems the winch will
continue to rotate once removed.

?Seems??!

And once we remove it,

then the winch should catch.
?Should??

Brace yourself.

We're going up.

They're going up.

Wow! Hey, it's working.

The wedding is still on.

Can't get rid of me
that easy, Quinn.

Looks like we made it?

Yeah. Guess we did.

Since we'll be on more solid
footing in a few minutes,

I'd like to say
something to you. Comms out.

Not good.

Damn right, not good.

You guys fighting again? Hello?

I don't need you to tell me

that I am not as smart
as you guys.

I am painfully aware
of it every day.

Every invention
I don't understand,

every formula I can't solve,
every reference I don't get...

Like MIT students

trying to follow
a Jeffrey Hoffman lecture.

See, I-I have no idea
what you're talking about.

But even if I can't keep up, I
thought I at least measured up

as a-a valued team
member, as a friend,

but I guess you just, you just
always saw me as an inferior.

Paige, that is not correct.

What a surprise.
Something else I got wrong.

You know what, I hope
they speed that winch up

'cause I don't want to spend
another second with you

in this box.

Whoa.

Man, we're stuck.

Perfect.

I found the problem.
Wind speed's dropped from 21

to 11 miles per hour.
That is too slow

to create enough power
to spin the winch.

So, we're stuck here
until the wind

- picks up?
- Not exactly.

Our makeshift winch
is starting to give.

That's because
I didn't design the drive shaft

to hold thousands of pounds
of dead weight

pulling on it straight down.

If it was turning,
it could hold us.

But constant pressure?

It's not gonna last too long.

How long before it breaks?

I'm looking
at Happy's design specs.

Based on the PSI,

18 minutes
until complete failure.

So, we're gonna die because

it's not breezy out anymore.

We stopped a tornado once.

Can't we kick up some wind?

No, but you can kick out
a little weight.

An 11-mile-per-hour wind
should power the winch

as long as it doesn't have
to haul that much cargo.

I'm terrified to say this,
ladies,

but you might have
to shed a few pounds.

We're gonna need
more than a few.

To uncompromise the winch,

we're gonna need
to cut the gondola loose.

Yeah, I don't like that idea.

It's our only shot.

Now, you and Happy
get up on the roof,

hang onto the cable, and then

we'll sever the cable
to detach the gondola.

You two can't weigh more than,

together, 250 pounds, right?

240.

Minimal carriage.

Even for a warped winch.

Hey, I hate to be
the bearer of bad questions,

but how in the name of
reinforced braided steel

are we gonna cut the cable?

Hadn't considered that yet.

Yeah, well, I have.

And I've got an idea, but Paige
and Happy might not like it.

It's worse than Walter's idea?

I'm gonna shoot

through the cable.

A high caliber rifle

will knock that gondola
clean off.

And if you miss, our heads.

A headless bride might
crimp my nuptials.

Cabe, know you're a good shot,

but how good?

I got my marksmanship
qualification

when I was in the Corps.
Now, we only got

12 minutes left?
Barely 11 minutes.

Then we better hightail it back

to that gun store we passed

about a mile back.
With the way Cabe drives,

we should be back with one
minute or so to spare.

Okay, then go already!

Man, they're cutting it close.

Something as small as
a-a slow checkout clerk

at the gun shop
could mean they fall.

Toby's right;
We need to buy more time.

You need to get rid of any extra
weight the gondola is holding.

Now, every pound jettisoned can
give us extra crucial seconds

before the winch falls.

So, while Toby and I try
to stop this thing from bending,

you two dump anything
that isn't essential.

Hey, take it easy.

It's cheap workmanship.
Okay, open the door,

this thing is going overboard.

That could be us.

We got to keep
lessening our load. Come on.

Agent Cabe Gallo,
Homeland Security.

I need to commandeer a
Desert Tech HTI sniper rifle.

It's a matter of life and death.
Excuse you,

I'm with a customer,
you'll need to wait.

I don't think you understand.

I'm an agent
of the U.S. government.

Well, as an agent
of the U.S. government,

you would know
that the law requires

a ten-day waiting period

before the sale of a firearm.

And as a licensed
firearms merchant

in the state of California,
you should know

that this badge allows me
emergency appropriation.

Look, for all I know,
that's fake

and you're some kook
who's just...

Is that the Stone of Valor?

Yes. Yes, it is.

My liege.

I am Erhlic
of the Desert Dwellers,

fourth son of Ravenswood,
gunsmith

to the House of Thames.
I'm at your service.

You got to be kidding me.

At ease, brave Erhlic.

Two of my clan
are in grave peril

and we beseech your aid.

Say no more.

The weapon you seek
shall be yours.

I bet he would have
appreciated the cape.

Happy, we can't keep this winch

from breaking for much longer;
You got to shed more weight.

Anything that could be tossed
is already on the ground.

Only thing left is our clothes,
and we're not dying naked.

Can't hold on much longer,
even with the reduced weight.

We have less than 90 seconds

before this thing snaps.

Where's Cabe?

Right here!

I got the rifle.

Ladies, get topside.

Boy.

Little help!

Okay, we're out.

Get up that cable and hold on.

- Rifle's locked in. I'm ready.
- But they're not.

There isn't enough clearance
to take the shot.

Ladies, you got
to keep climbing.

And do it fast!
The winch is starting to snap.

We got 60 seconds until
everything starts tumbling down!

We're trying to!

The cable's coated

in lithium compound grease,

specifically designed to prevent
things from gripping it!

I have an idea.
Happy, I'm coming up.

Okay,

I'm gonna wrap my foot in
the cable and lean back a bit.

You'll step on my foot
and lean back, too.

Our weight will
counterbalance each other

and make it easier
for us to climb up.

And then you'll wrap your foot

and we'll alternate
all the way up.

There you go. Got it?

Yeah. I'm good.

Pretty close quarters
for two people

who couldn't stand
being in the same box together.

Yeah, well, the irony isn't lost
on me, either.

All right, let's climb. Okay.

We've got five feet

of clearance, wind is steady.
Take the shot.

Why don't I hear a gunshot?
We have 30 seconds!

If I'm off by a hair,
I take their heads off.

Give me a second.

It's now or never, Cabe.

Hurry!

It's hard to hold on.

Do it, Cabe!

Nothing happened!

Cabe missed.

He missed the shot.

Hey, Cabe, what about

that marksmanship qualification
from the Marines?

I haven't fired a rifle
like this in ten years.

Give Sly a sec

to sight it in.

The vapor trail indicates

we need to adjust the barrel
one degree east.

Copy that.

All right, stand back
and watch the magic.

Damn it.

Are you kidding me, Cabe?

I've seen better magic
at birthday parties.

We're getting tired.

We only have five seconds left
until...

It's working. It's turning.
Cabe,

I never doubted you
for one moment, my man.

Happy, the winch is moving
faster with the lighter load.

You're gonna be back
in my loving arms in no time.

I don't know about that.

Relieving the tensile pressure

on the cable triggered
aeroelastic flutter.

I don't know what that means,
but it's shaking us loose!

Well, Happy and Paige are acting
like a pendulum right now.

The more they slip down,

the more erratic
they'll start to swing.

The more they swing,
the more they'll slip!

How long before
the winch works back up

and they get to the top?

90 seconds.

There's nothing we can do
to accelerate the winch.

We're at the mercy of the wind.

Happy, how much cable
is underneath you?

Three feet, but shrinking fast!

They can't get a good grip
on the cable.

They're gonna slip off
before they're pulled up.

Then we help them
grip it tighter.

I have a way to make it
so that they can't let go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Walt, I think I know
what you're thinking

and I don't like
what I think you're thinking.

We are inside a power plant.

We have
all the electrical current

that we need.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That could kill them! Only if

the doctor with the highest IQ
in the world

messes up,
and I believe that he won't.

What are you planning?

We're gonna run
an electrical current

through the cable.

Now, at its proper levels,
it will cause tetany,

the severe involuntary
muscular contractions.

They will be physically
incapable of letting go.

And at the improper levels?

You're electrocuted.

Tetany happens at a very exact
range of 16 to 19 milliamps.

A hair above that sweet spot,
guaranteed cardiac arrest!

I am not risking
electrocuting my fiance!

I'm still here, too.

Or electrocuting Paige. My bad.

If we do this,
they have a 50% chance of dying.

If we don't, they have a 100%
chance of dying.

They will be up here
in less than a minute.

We can't hold on any longer.

Toby, just do it!

All right, now, I'm gonna let
the cable run along the wire,

never letting it rest
for too long,

so I don't send too much current
to their bodies at once.

Well, I can plug into
the energy monitoring software

at the control shed,

make sure the amps
stay in the tetany zone.

Cabe, let's go.

If any of us is tough enough
to do it, it's you two girls.

Walt, you stay
on that rubber mat

and touch nothing metal
until I say so.

Happy, Paige,
this is gonna hurt. I'm sorry.

Just do it!

We're at 16 milliamps;
They should be locked on but conscious.

Can you hear us, Happy?

They're not responding!

It's got to be working.

They would've fallen by now
if it wasn't.

We'll have them up here
in seconds.

You're doing great.

Another 40 seconds,
this will all be over.

Walt, wind's blowing harder!

No, 18 milliamps.

The energy output must be rising

because of an uptick
in wind speed.

Well,
if it gets to 20 milliamps,

their heart muscles will seize!

Just a few more seconds.

Can't... take...

any... more!

Yeah, you can,
you're almost there!

19 milliamps!

First there was no wind,
now there's too much.

I hate nature.

Walt, they're up! Cut the juice!

Second-degree burns
on the palms and fingers,

but the pulse is good.

Happy, come on.
Come on, say something.

Don't ever electrocute me again.

She's fine. How's Paige?

Same.

How are you feeling?

Pretty... amped up.

I think that was a joke.

Okay, gang, just sit tight.

Rescue choppers are
on their way.

You'll be back on Terra firma
before you know it.

All set.

Thank you.

You two really hung on
to each other up there.

Don't know how
you survived that.

Guess we did work
together pretty well.

I guess so.

Quick thinking on your part,

counterbalancing
on the cable and all.

How do you know physics
like that?

Cheer squad.

It was from one of our routines.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

You don't sugarcoat things,
and the truth is

I'm not as smart as you guys.

That's not what I'm sorry for.

Clearly, we're all
smarter than you.

Okay.

I'm sorry for letting you think
that was the reason

I didn't want your help
with the wedding.

That's not what I meant
by the ?cheerleader? comment.

Okay, so what did you mean?

Toby wants to invite half
of Brooklyn to the ceremony.

He says he wants to show me off.

He's proud he's marrying you.
He should be.

I still don't know how
he pulled that off.

The thing is,

I'm not comfortable with being

the center of attention
for this kind of thing.

You know, you want
to hear a lecture

on combustion engines, fine,
all eyes on me.

But certain things are

expected of a bride,

and I do not fulfill
those expectations.

Happy, you are beautiful.

You're stunning.

I am not now,
nor have I ever been

a ?girlie? kind of girl.

When I was a kid, my
tools were taken away

and replaced with dolls.

I hate dolls.
Hate being dolled up.

My least-favorite
first lady, Dolly Madison.

I tried dresses and makeup,
but it's not me.

I don't want to disappoint Toby.

This big wedding is
important to him,

and meeting his family
is stressful enough.

Doing it while I'm pretending
to be something I'm not...

Happy, I just wanted to
make things easier for you.

I couldn't care less if we were
picking out a Vera Wang

or a Black & Decker.

I know Toby could
care less, too.

'Cause that wing nut is
crazy in love with you.

Look at him.

What did I get myself into?

A wedding.

And I'm not gonna
offer my help anymore.

I don't want to add
any more stress.

But know I'm here,

if you need me,

'cause we're friends...

ish.

Hey, Hap, I got an e-mail
from Harbor Oaks Catering.

It's a nice venue, affordable.

Dance floor's big enough
to accommodate my sexy moves,

so I'm gonna give 'em
a ring tomorrow.

"Speaking of ?ring?"

an under-looked but integral job

of the best man is
the presentation

of the wedding ring.

Now, the hand holding that ring

will be featured
in your photos forever.

So you can have Cabe's
gnarled, battle-worn digits

or Sly's fingers, ravaged by

millions of comic book-induced
paper cuts,

or... these.

They're supple.

Nary a scar.

Used for nothing,
apart from the occasional code.

In other words, soft.

Toby, what you want
are a man's hands.

I don't think you know
how that sounds.

You want someone
who can handle a ring.

I'm the only one here

who has been bestowed
the Ring of the Falconer.

How much jewelry
do you guys hand out?

Plenty.

All right, this is
ridiculous, Toby.

You got three candidates.

We're all capable,
all interested.

But you refuse to choose.

Yeah, you know what? I think...

I think this is
a power trip for you.

All right, all right,
that's it, if the only way

I can end this madness
is to actually pick someone

to stand up for me
on my big day,

I'm gonna do it.

Because, listen, I...
I want the real deal.

I want someone
who's always dependable.

Someone who can adapt
when things get hairy.

I want someone

who comes up with solutions

when it seems there are none.

I want someone who,
in short, is sharp as a tack.

So...

I don't want a best man.

I want a best ma'am.

Paige, if it wasn't for you

on that cable today,

I wouldn't have
a Happy to marry.

Will you please
do me this honor?

I'd love to be your best ma'am.

You got to be kidding.

We made up at the ambulance.

I was going to ask her.

You snooze, you lose.

Okay, fine.

Yes, the competition is back on!

I'm gonna be the
best maid of honor.

Like hell you will.

No. No competition.

I am not going
through what Toby did,

so I choose all three.

Equal rank, equal titles.

My ?dudes of honor?...

You can't do that.

It's my wedding,
I can do whatever I want.

Now, dudes...

time to get cracking

on this to-do list.

I can't now. I have tons
of D.O.E. paperwork.

Perhaps tomorrow?

And, I'd love to stay and help,

but I've got
Fantasies and Frolics tonight.

In fact, I better hurry.

Okay...

I'm gonna catch the bus.

I got time to take a stab
at that to-do list with you.

The night's wide open.

No, it's not,

'cause you're gonna go play
Nerd World

with Sly and
the putz-around gang.

No, I told Sly I can't make it.

You never said
you couldn't make it,

you said you didn't want to go,

and broke his dork heart.

No, I didn't.

He just wanted to pay me back

for helping save his clubhouse.

He-He didn't have to do that.
I was glad to do it.

He's not trying to pay you back.

He's trying to be
your friend, dummy.

Sometimes if someone
is your friend,

you let them do stuff for you,

like give you a cloak
or help plan a wedding,

even if you don't want it.

'Cause it's not about you,
it's about them,

and them feeling good
about being a good friend.

Or something like that.
I don't know.

I'm a genius. I am new
to this feeling stuff.

Like it or not,

you have a funny way

of growing on people, old man.

Sly got close to you
during the campaign,

and now that it's over,
he's scared.

It's the same way I felt when
you moved out of my apartment.

- Really?
- Sure.

You're like a raccoon

digging through
someone's garbage.

You wonder how the hell
it got into your life,

but once it's gone,
you kind of miss it.

Your Department of Energy friend

has got you doing
paperwork, too?

No, I took a little break.

Actually, I'm trying
to get a jump start

on all these best ma'am
responsibilities.

Planning a stag
party is a little

out of my area of expertise.

Plus, this is not exactly
speeding up the process.

Yes, I've also been cramming

on best-man research
lately, all for naught.

Like, I could lend you a hand.

Literally and metaphorically.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Perhaps I can help you
prepare for your

dude-of-honor stint.

We've got a lot to put together
over a few short weeks.

Wedding partners in crime? Deal.

It might require
a few late nights

and, some weekends.

Whatever it takes.

I do not need
Happy Quinn mad at me.

All right, well,
let's get to work.

Come on, you 20-sided mistress.

Sylvester needs
a new set of wands.

Ho!

Ooh, a bravery spell.

Hey, Dyfrost,
you can buy this from me

and use it to stand up
to your mother.

The woman is a tyrant.

Here we go.

Boys, let's feed the dragon.

Hoo...

Holy crap, it's Thor.

I'm Magnus Gallo.

I understand there's
a knighthood waiting for me.

Of course.

If you'll just kneel.

That's not gonna happen.

Guys, we can just
forego the ceremony

and introduce him
to the game, right?

You came.

Sure I did, kid.

Couldn't let my friend
go into battle without me.

You guys have anything stronger
than a Dr. Shazz

in that mini-fridge?

We have a wine cooler.

Don't drink that.
That's eight years old.

But it is your roll.

What the hell kind
of die is this?

Huzzah!

Now, which one am I?

You're the... you're
the girl in red.

I know, I know, just...

I'd like to roll again,
if you don't mind.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man