Scorpion (2014–2018): Season 2, Episode 11 - The Old College Try - full transcript
The Scorpion team goes under cover at a college to discover who is holding the federal reserve for ransom. Walter tries to help Ray, while Paige is trying to get Walter to express grief about Megan.
Here it is.
Here it is, Ralph.
Super Fun Guy vs. Dr. Power Pants:
When Khakis Attacki.
It's a little bit beat up,
but it's perfect for your time capsule.
Thanks, Sylvester.
Don't thank him.
Everyone in 2065 will think we're dorks.
Here we go!
Stick this in your memory box, buddy.
What's that? It's me, graduation day.
PAIGE: Wow, elementary school?
High school, valedictorian.
This photo represents excellence in the field of superiority.
Suck on that, future people!
You were cute. What happened?
Okay, put this in.
Nuts have held the world together
since the Industrial Revolution.
And in 100 years, it will be the only thing
left inside this box that is worth anything.
WALTER: Morning, guys.
What do we have... here?
Time capsule project for school.
It's due Friday.
Want to contribute?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Should be called waste-of-time capsule.
That's clever.
(car horn honks) Oh, Mrs. Goldberg.
Give me a kiss. Mwah.
Okay, have a great day.
He has to do all his assignments, you know.
Not just math and science.
They are teaching children that there is value
to revisiting the past when it is the future that is important.
You don't think there's value in looking back once in a while?
Do you know why sharks are the most efficient ocean predator?
Because they always move forward.
SYLVESTER: Happy, it's perfect.
Titanium steel, unbreakable glass.
Take it for a spin.
PAIGE: Amazing work-- I love the hearts.
Only thing I hate more than hearts
is anything frilly or pink.
But for Megan, I made an exception.
How you holding up, Sly?
I miss her every day.
But it's been six weeks, so I'm pushing forward.
Hey, hey, Walter?
You know, I have a lovely picture
of you and Megan for you.
No, thanks. I know what we both look like.
My pal in evidence says you're lucky
the city doesn't clean out their storage.
Oh, perfect!
What the hell is that?
It's liquid glycerin.
Once it hardens, any air leakage
from the tank would create a bubble pattern,
showing Ray's partner's tank was defective
and his death was not Ray's fault.
But forensics already tested that tank, Walt.
Twice.
Testing's progressed a great deal in the last ten years.
Plus I'm smarter than they were.
TOBY: Is it now when the psychiatrist says
it's not a good idea to dig into someone else's tragedy?
Ray blames himself for his partner's death,
and it's affected his life negatively.
It's inefficient to live in the past
and compromise present productivity.
Is that why, in a month and a half,
you've barely mentioned Megan?
Barely had any reaction at all?
I'm out of here.
I need a coffee.
I was, uh, very put-off
by my sister's passing.
You're put-off by a parking ticket.
You grieve when your sister dies.
This has nothing to do with me.
This is about Ray.
He has barely left the camper lately.
And I think it's because the anniversary
of his partner's death is coming up soon.
I can help him.
And I'm thrilled that you're noticing
other people's feelings.
I... I just worry
that you're focusing on someone else's pain
to avoid your own.
Well, I can't avoid what isn't there.
CABE: Walt, Cooper's here!
She's got a hot one.
Let's go.
Last week, the Department of the Interior
was infiltrated by sophisticated ransomware,
which resulted in a complete system shutdown
we could not undo until we met
the demands of the unknown hacker.
Why didn't you call us?
Demand was only 20 grand. Deadline was tight.
Possibility of PR fallout. We paid it.
Morons. That's unfair.
Yeah, to morons.
They demanded a small amount 'cause it was a test run.
Would the ransomware work?
Yep, would you fold like a lawn chair?
Yep. So there's another ransom?
As of yesterday, except now they're threatening
to shut down the Federal Reserve
if they don't receive a quarter billion dollars in bitcoin
within the next 72 hours.
They even sent their own countdown.
Not good. Whoever did this doesn't grasp
the implications of a Federal Reserve shutdown.
If they did, they'd know they'd be as screwed as the rest of us.
What exactly are the implications?
WALTER: The Fed is where the banks
keep their reserves.
A shutdown would set off a toxic chain reaction.
Every bank, from conglomerates
to small S and L's would need to shut down, too.
Then foreign economies lose confidence
and refuse to lend to us.
That means a huge devaluation of the dollar.
Driving investors to other currencies.
U.S. would have no more credit
and be unable to afford imports.
Which leaves us with a high demand for and a low supply
of goods like food and gas
and other necessities.
Global panic sets in within days.
Our economy reverts to one
where food growers barter for services.
I hate computers.
That's why I need you to get into the Fed's server
and kill this ransomware.
I'm already in and it's-it's not happening.
Every time I try and break the code, it changes.
It's as if it's adapting.
Walter can't get in.
Can I start hoarding cans of food now, please?
You don't have any other leads?
COOPER: The NSA picked up
some suspicious encrypted e-mails,
which they ran through linguistics software.
There was one match to the blog posts of Terence Cooley,
an Oceanside University computer science professor.
Agents discovered him shot dead
in his apartment three hours ago.
Tech ran his laptop.
Nothing related to the ransomware.
But what we do have is a starting point-- the campus.
And if you look carefully enough... bingo!
I found a ghosted entry path to the Fed's server
uploaded from a computer
at the school student activity center.
How does that help?
The dead prof could've done the upload.
Checking that possibility now,
and at the time of the upload,
Professor Cooley was teaching a class.
There is a video online of the lecture.
So someone who was at the activities center at the time
uploaded the ransomware to the Federal Reserve.
According to the center's register,
the space was reserved that day
by a psych department meeting,
a drama club gathering,
the wrestling team's luncheon
and an assembly of the Sisters of Pi Upsilon.
Oh, I was in Pi Up.
What? I-I was.
Campus security's offices are also in the basement,
which means anyone from any one of those groups
could've uploaded the ransomware.
I bet Walt and I could design a DFS
that could sniff out the device used to send it.
It's a digital fingerprint scanner.
Each brand of electronics emits
its own unique electromagnetic field.
I can tell from the upload pattern
that a Toshoki-brand device was used.
Okay, so we build the DFSes.
You give them to Homeland agents,
who go undercover on campus.
And they will get a ping
when they get close to someone with a Toshoki product.
And then we detain just that person
and then confiscate that device.
And if it's the device we're looking for,
it'll have the original ransomware code on it.
Walter will reverse-engineer it and shut it down.
Solid plan, except agents won't know
how to handle technical snafus.
SYLVESTER: Oh, no!
I am not going back to college!
College was the worst six months of my life.
I'm in and I'm gonna do it right this time.
College sucked hard for 14-year-old Tobias Curtis.
Guys, college is fun.
College is a continued adolescence factory,
where parents subsidize years of nonsense,
instead of serious academic rigor.
Yeah, fun.
All right, look, we got a ticking clock.
All right? So suck it up.
We're gonna infiltrate
each one of those campus groups
and find the device that uploaded the code,
period.
Let's get ready for school.
Have you ever wrestled?
With my emotions. Down on all fours.
Nothing good has ever started with that sentence.
Okay, so this is the Pi Up spirit song.
♪ Oh, sisters are we ♪
♪ We're loyal to thee ♪
♪ And together we'll always be Pi Up ♪
♪ With pink, white and gold, our colors so bold ♪
♪ With all weather, we'll always be ♪
(quieter): ♪ Pi Up. ♪
Wrestlers wear singlets.
♪ Yeah... ♪
On what, their wrists?!
Happy, don't fight me on this.
It's what they wear.
I didn't go to college for this very reason.
Don't forget the sweater.
(fabric tears)
Oh, I didn't.
What's your first move?
♪ Let me hold you... ♪
COOPER: With the help of the FBI,
we've arranged for Cabe to fill a trainee slot
with campus security.
Walter, you're gonna be a guest instructor
for the drama club, visiting from Baker Lake University
in Canada.
And, Doc,
you are going to be applying for a job
as a professor in the psych department.
The hardest thing will be for me to not actually get hired.
No, no, no, no way!
Quincy Berkstead? I won't do this!
Uh-oh. What's the problem?
Uh, well, it seems Toby has
to apply for a job from his old nemesis.
Quincy Berkstead stole my fiancée!
I can't ask Wimpy Jerkhead for a job.
What do you care? You like Happy.
It's a matter of pride.
Then swallow it. If I got to be a rent-a-cop
and Sylvester's got to get the crap beat out of him...
What?!
...then you can man up and get the job done.
Now,
inspection in 15 minutes.
Susie Lee, hopeful rushee of the Pi Upsilon sorority.
Present.
Drama instructor Vern Portnoy?
Here.
Walk-on wrestler Sam Paley?
I'm against this.
Security Officer Galbreath?
Accounted for.
And Dr. Tobias M. Curtis, applicant for position
in Professor Quincy Berkstead's Psychology Department.
(blows raspberry)
So, Paige, what do you think?
Now I know why you guys had such a hard time in college.
♪ ♪
Lovely.
Wow.
You know, would it kill Homeland
to get us a nice hotel room for once?
Okay, everyone grab a scanner.
They're temperamental. You might get a hit a few feet
from someone or you might have to be right on top of them.
WALTER: Software is running.
Now, if we get near the electromagnetic field
of a Toshoki device, you will get
a visual and audio response like this.
(beeping)
And you'll let us know when we strike oil?
Got it. Everyone got their comms in?
I got more than my comms.
I got my bucket list.
I'm making college count this time.
I checked the event calendar.
There's a Hacky-Sack-a-thon in the quad,
naked fountain run in a few hours,
and there's a winter dance at Adelphi Hall.
SYLVESTER: I saw the astrophysics lab
has an exhibit on vintage spacesuits.
I'd love to check that out.
Nerd.
Put your plans on hold because Sly
has to get to the wrestling fraternity,
Happy has to go rush Pi Up,
Cabe's meeting his supervisor in 20 minutes,
Walter's got a class to teach,
and, Toby, you've got a job interview coming up.
You heard her. Let's get to it.
♪ We gonna step up in the booth like it's the first time... ♪
I'm here.
These are the guys who ruined
the elastic in my underwear growing up.
Play the part and go find that device.
(clears throat)
Hello.
My name is Sam Paley.
I am a transfer student looking to
try out for the wrestling team.
My JC coach should've called you
to let you know that I'd be coming by.
Yeah, he totally did, bro.
I'm Craig. My house name's Toad.
This is Skid Mark, Muskrat, Stinky and the Gooch.
Nice to meet you, the Gooch.
Your timing's perfect-- today's team photo day.
You can say cheese with the rest of us.
Well, thank you for making me feel so welcome.
(chuckles) Hey, wrestlers for life.
Right, Tyrannosaurus Sex?
That'll be your house name 'cause you're big and sexy.
(laughs)
All right, let's get this party started.
Yeah, yeah.
This is awesome-- you can get near every member
of the team at once,
and if they have a phone or device
that matches what we're looking for, we'll know right away.
Let's get Sam right in the middle there,
make him feel real welcome.
Okeydokey, Toad. (chuckles)
Okay, uh, tradition is we link arms together
in a wrestling lock. Oh, okay, whatever you say.
(clears throat)
And... now!
(laughing, whooping)
(groans)
Aah!
(laughing)
(groans)
Freshly worn jocks, bro.
(laughs)
We don't take transfers.
Now beat it.
That sounds bad.
Worse, your scanner didn't catch a ping.
Well, I think I just caught hepatitis.
My college experience has not changed.
Walter, how are things with you?
Your frequency strength's shaky.
So we're getting nothing.
Uh, we're so sorry.
Uh, we'll dig deeper.
Oh, no, you're confused, I...
We're missing the scene's meaning?
No, I was talking to myself, not you guys.
What?
You referred to us as "guys."
I'm a woman.
It's just a mistake your generation sometimes makes,
defining with gender-dominant labels.
I made a mistake?
Walter, these are drama students.
They are nothing but EQ,
and their PC is all about sensitivity,
so just be patient with them.
No, I wasn't mistaken.
Webster's Dictionary states
that "guys" may be used in plural
to refer to members of a group regardless of sex.
More than two is a group.
Stop debating, get near them,
and let your scanner do its thing.
Your term choice is a microaggression.
Well, if it's "micro," why is it a problem?
Walter, there's nothing coming over your scanner.
The device isn't there.
You can stop fighting with the students and leave.
Okay, time for me to go.
Good, and take your trigger words with you.
You know what, uh, as your teacher,
let me leave you with some guidance.
You're spoiled, coddled and wasting your time.
Study science, math, go to vocational school,
or learn a trade, because statistically you have
less than a .01 chance of making it as an actor,
and based on what I've seen today,
it's even less than that.
Okay, have a good day.
♪ Oh, sisters are we, we're loyal to thee ♪
♪ And together we'll always be: Pi Up ♪
♪ In pink, white and gold, our colors so bold ♪
♪ In hot weather we'll always be: Pi Up. ♪
Pi Up.
Yeah, that was awesome.
So I speak on behalf of all Pi Ups
when I say you guys would make great sisters.
But space is limited.
So we're gonna start the rush speed-date circuit,
where you guys get to know us and we get to know you.
Now, some of the questions might be wacky, so look out.
Okay, groups of two, move about the house,
and meet the sisters of Pi Upsilon.
(whooping)
(indistinct chatter)
PAIGE: Happy, this is your shot.
You can get through most
of the sorority house within the hour.
Peachy.
Why do you want to go Pi Up?
School spirit, to help with your great charitable work,
and, of course, sisterhood.
I need a place to live, and this house has decent craftsmanship.
Happy, no.
If you could have dinner with any celebrity,
who would it be?
Elon Musk.
Ryan Gosling.
Who's that?
What superpower do you wish you had?
To talk to animals.
I love pets.
At this very moment-- teleportation.
Okay, I'm-I'm still getting squat on the software.
Keep it up. I'm gonna check with Toby.
Hi, um, Susie.
I was wondering, can I ask you something?
More questions.
Great, what would you like to know, Mavis?
Okay.
Um... why are you here?
Lots of us are away from home for the first time.
I am.
And I miss my real sisters.
And I think this place might be good for me.
And everyone here is so nice... except you.
You're kind of mean and sarcastic.
Have you ever gotten homesick?
Wouldn't it be nice to have a surrogate family?
I've thought about it from time to time.
Well, you can't truly have one
until you lower that shield of yours.
That's all.
TOBY: It's demeaning.
Plus I didn't get to Hacky my Sack,
and I'm presently missing the naked fountain run. PAIGE: Too bad.
Now walk into the interview, meet with the psych department,
and hopefully we can get a hit and end this madness.
I want the record to note that I would never, in reality,
apply for a job from Quincy Berkstead.
Okay, I'm... noting it on your file.
Don't patronize me.
Sorry you had to hear that.
I am just having a stressful day.
You work in the psych department?
Not really, just helping them with a study
of how a positive attitude affects athletic performance.
Oh, man, you're Willie McGinest from the Patriots.
That's right, and if you don't mind me saying,
your negativity could use a little adjustment.
I'm normally not that cranky.
I-I just have a stupid job interview.
Never gonna get the position with that mindset.
You know how I got the NFL record for postseason sacks?
I have to assume, that expanded playoff schedule.
I mean, a team plays that many extra games,
statistically speaking,
eventually someone's gonna break that record.
Anyone.
You were gonna say "positive attitude," weren't you?
You're never getting that job.
WOMAN: Mr. Curtis, you can come in now.
Toby.
Wim... Quincy, where's the board?
Told them not to come.
You applying for this job is passive-aggressive.
I don't know what point you're trying to make,
but we're both doctors.
I'm a doctor, you're a psychologist.
Take it easy.
You must be here for a reason, taking up my time.
T-Taking your time?
You took my wife. Fiancée.
Why can't any of you people get along with anyone else?
Now cut the crap, get close to him, and scan for the signal.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I-I came here to humiliate you.
Looks like I'm only doing that to myself.
And I-I guess I just...
I never got over being bested by you,
and it's hard, when you're used to being right all the time,
to admit you're wrong.
I am sorry about all this.
(pings) I have a small ping.
Get closer.
Oh, come on, let's do this right.
(pinging) Toby, we got him.
Stall him, I got to tell Cabe.
So, Griggs, any chance I'm meeting the rest of the squad
before the afternoon debriefing?
Excited about the job.
That makes one of us.
How so?
I just always wanted to be a cop like my dad.
You know, slapping on cuffs, making collars.
But I got a weak ticker, so I can't be on the force,
so I work here.
Damn kids put dog turds on my Segway wheels.
PAIGE: Cabe, Toby might have our guy.
You've got to get to the psych building.
I've got to hit the head.
I'll be back in a few.
Go ahead.
There's nothing happening here.
I have to say, asking for counseling,
especially from me, is a big first step.
You were always the better therapist.
(tires screeching)
If you were really smarter than me,
I'd be the one unconscious right now.
Okay, everyone stay in your persona until Toby confirms
the ransomware is actually on Quincy's device. ♪ ♪
Okay, just hurry up so I can leave.
I don't like it here.
♪ Every day's a party and a holiday... ♪
Lots of pretentious apps on your cell phone, Quincy.
But I still haven't found what we're looking for. Yet.
CABE: Who are you working with?
The psych department. Is this about my wife?
You mean my former fiancée?
I swear, I don't know anything about any ransom software.
I have federal permission from Homeland
to do whatever is necessary to get you to talk.
This is sulfuric acid.
Tell us what you know,
or you'll never need a Halloween costume again.
I know nothing. CABE: Easy. Easy, Doc!
(shrieks)
It's just water.
You scream like a girl, by the way.
FYI, his phone's clean.
I just hate him.
Great.
Now we're back to where we started.
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Why can't you be normal?
Guys, your comms are linked. We struck out on Quincy.
MAN: Dorie, we're in serious trouble.
So you have to keep it up a while longer.
Shh! Professor Cooley is dead.
There's an argument next door.
I think I just heard someone say "Cooley."
That's the name of the dead professor, right?
Yes, what-what are they saying?
(pinging) Whoa. Whoa, I just got a big ping here.
Happy, is-is there a hair dryer in there?
If so, crack the casing and then take out the heating coil.
Yeah, I know how to make
a listening device from a hair dryer.
MAN: We need to call the cops.
DORIE: We can't, Alberto, we'll go to prison.
ALBERTO: The news is saying that Professor Cooley was murdered.
We could be next.
It-it wasn't supposed to be like this.
We have some money-- we can just get out of here.
We can't just... (door opens)
ALBERTO: Who the hell are you?
You both need to come with me now.
Not now, just go back to the mixer.
Okay, I'm not a college student, I'm with Homeland.
And you are both clearly over your heads.
We know about the ransomware,
so just give me the laptop and do what I tell you.
Look, we don't even know who you are.
(gasps) Oh, my God!
The next one is gonna be 24 inches lower,
and it's gonna hurt a lot more.
(coughs) What the...? Are you okay?
Your professor was murdered to tie up loose ends.
I bet you're both next.
So I suggest you come with me now if you want to survive.
♪ ♪
Okay.
(tires screeching) Not good. Follow me.
(tires screech)
♪ ♪
(grunts)
HAPPY: Go there.
Get inside.
DORIE: What-what do we do now?
Okay, for starters, shut up.
Oh, my God, is he gonna kill us?
Just let me think.
Okay. Come on. Okay.
Shh.
Hey.
(clattering, Happy gasps)
What are you doing?
It all comes down to nuts.
(buzzes)
(man groaning)
Come on, let's go!
ALBERTO: Come on. Come on. (groaning)
We're not computer students, but we know how to code.
Really well.
Professor Cooley saw our skills,
asked if we wanted to make some quick cash.
Cooley said he had a friend named Ryder.
They studied programming together, back in the day.
Ryder wanted to hire someone to write code for him.
So Ryder was the guy who was chasing us.
Probably. We never met him.
He just gave instructions and money to Cooley,
who passed them along to us.
We cranked out the code, Cooley uploaded it to the quantum.
We figured that was the end of it until Cooley wound up dead.
Did... did you just say "quantum"?
It's in the basement of the comp sci building.
Top secret. Only Professor Cooley
and maybe two other school officials knew about it.
Okay, so the anti-code to the ransomware that I just scripted
cannot be uploaded to the Fed
if we are going up against a quantum.
What's a quantum? Quantum computers are extremely rare.
At any time, maybe three or four of them exist on the planet
at top government research labs or universities.
Totally hush-hush.
Unlike standard binary computers,
quantums transmit data using precision lasers.
Billions of times faster than even today's top processors.
That's why the ransomware kept adapting
when I was trying to hack it.
No human can outthink a quantum, not even me.
But these lasers are as unstable as they are fast.
Some last a few days, at most, a couple weeks.
So Ryder paid to have the ransomware built,
and his pal Cooley had access to a supercomputer,
and he could pull it off without getting caught.
(cell phone rings)
Yeah, Cooper.
Okay.
I'll check it out. Thanks.
Homeland just got another e-mail from Ryder.
"You now have one hour."
Now that he knows we're on to him,
he's trying to shorten the time frame.
Okay, so, Paige, you stay here with Dorie and Alberto.
We're gonna go to the one place that we can stop this hack.
Where's that?
The quantum.
Now, if I can upload my anti-code
directly into the quantum,
then it can run as fast as the ransomware itself
and unravel it.
Hey, Doc, you forget someone?
Wh-Why's Professor Berkstead tied up?
CABE: We brought this guy here for no reason.
Now what are we gonna do with him? Nothing's done for no reason.
Ooh, stand back, Cabe.
Here comes some dime-store analysis you don't want to miss.
You want analysis?
You're the reason Amy left you.
You spent most nights at card tables.
You missed her birthday 'cause you were at the track.
You blew through both your savings.
You're an egomaniac and a narcissist.
And after all these years,
the only person you blame is me.
Keep your mouth shut about all this.
WALTER: The quantum computer.
SYLVESTER: It's like meeting Elvis.
If that's what sent the ransomware,
let's just smash it and end this.
No, if we do, the ransomware
will stay embedded in the Fed's server.
It'll keep running,
and before we know it, our economy collapses.
Our only hope is to slow the quantum down
so that I can upload my anti-code
to shut down the ransomware.
Now, to do that, we need to insert a mirror
to reflect back one of those lasers on itself,
so that we can reduce the quantum's power
from four qubits to two.
We'll have to drill through the Plexiglas
while maintaining the vacuum seal, 'cause if the seal breaks,
the computer collapses and the ransomware survives.
How do you do that?
You pour butane over the drill.
It should seal the cracks between the drill and the glass
and maintain the vacuum.
Easier said than done.
That room is kept at the only temperature
at which a quantum computer can function:
negative 100 degrees Celsius.
If your drill gets too hot, and the temperature increases
by more than .3 degrees, it'll kill the computer.
I'll wrap it in insulation I pull from the wall.
Insulation won't work on your body.
At negative 100 degrees Celsius, you'll die in seconds.
Uh, speaking of death, if I drill too fast,
we get a friction spark,
exploding the gases in the cube, and we die.
Not to mention if there's too much vibration
or a large sound wave,
then the quantum's lasers will jostle and explode,
and we die.
TOBY: You guys have fun.
I'll be up here in the observation room.
22 minutes until economic meltdown.
We need to get in there.
How... when it's 100 degrees below zero?
Remember when you called me a nerd before?
Get ready to apologize.
(heroic music playing)
(squeaks, clanks, air hisses)
(beeping steadily)
Doing well.
Heart rates are normal but...
you only have 12 minutes to do a job that should take 12 hours,
so be very careful, but hurry the hell up.
Don't so much as breathe on it.
(grunts, gasps)
(gasping)
(quiet blipping, electronic chiming)
HAPPY: Adding butane now.
Happy, drill at that precise angle.
Any variation will increase friction.
Creating a blast so intense it would rip off your space suits,
and you'd be dead before you made it to the door.
Nice steady hand, Happy.
TOBY: Oh, no high fives yet, guys.
Lots to do; only six minutes left to do it.
WALTER: Okay, Sly, you're up.
(panting anxiously)
O... kay.
Now, angle the mirror at precisely 78 degrees,
to reflect the laser back to the cube
and reduce the quantum's power.
(panting): Uh... uh...
Easy, big fella.
Your adrenaline and cortisol are spiking.
Just take a breath.
You're doing great.
He is not doing great.
His vitals are all over the place.
His core temperature goes up,
it affects the overall temp in that room even by a fraction,
the quantum fails and we blow up.
Not to mention if he bounces that laser around, we blow up.
There's lots of ways to blow up.
(anxious breathing)
(rumbling)
It's an earthquake!
WALTER: Hold it steady, Sly.
If that foil falls, we can't pick it back up again.
TOBY: The laser shakes out of position,
this whole place is a fireball.
Okay, it's not a quake, it's...
I feel like... it's a frequency at about 41.2 hertz.
It's a damn bass amp.
And it's coming from above us.
(muffled bass line thumping)
I'm on it!
(dance music throbbing)
TOBY: Two minutes to go, Cabe, what do you got?
A major problem.
(music pulsates)
(record scratches, music stops)
All right, the show's over! Everybody back to their dorms!
Suck it, old man!
Undercover DEA.
I want to see the contents of your knapsacks right now.
MAN: Let's go! Go! (students clamoring)
Take that, ya punks.
Threat cleared.
Go, Sylvester.
TOBY: Sly, your heart rate is increasing,
increasing the temp in that suit,
which is increasing the temp in the room.
I can't help it, I'm terrified.
Plus I drank a Double Dr. Shaz before we left the apartment,
and I really have to pee.
(blipping)
One-tenth of a degree, and we're all toast.
HAPPY: Time check? TOBY: 70 seconds.
We have to do something to calm him now.
Sylvester, it's Paige, listen to me, pal.
Paige, if you're going to tell me
to imagine a calm, safe place, now is not the time.
I wouldn't do that.
I want you to imagine a calm, safe person.
Who made you feel calm and safe, Sylvester?
Megan.
That's right.
She believed in you, didn't she?
In all of us?
Not the time to discuss my sister.
You never want to discuss her, and this is not about you.
Zip it, Walt, it's working.
Think of how proud she would be of you right now.
Your confidence, your bravery.
The strength she gave you.
Be strong for her.
Know she's with you now.
(electronic whirring)
TOBY: 15 seconds!
The quantum's slowing.
Now we just need to plug in the drive and upload the code.
TOBY: Five seconds, Walt.
Eight, seven, six!
Five... four...
three... two...
(quiet click, rapid blipping)
(electronic chiming)
TOBY: Ransomware is down.
Federal Reserve is safe!
We did it. We did it, we did it.
Great work, team!
TOBY: Now you can get out of that suit and pee, buddy.
Actually, I don't have to anymore.
Ew.
Paige, I'm sorry I snapped at you.
That was great work with Sly.
Thanks, but we've got a problem.
You stopped my ransomware.
But I still want my money.
Or your friend dies.
Bring the bitcoin wallet to the founder's fountain.
You give me the money, I give you your friend.
Now... where the hell are those kids?
They hit Happy after they got back from the shed and got away.
I don't believe you.
You think I'd lie about some spoiled kids?
If you don't believe me, search the apartment.
The founder's fountain in 20 minutes.
You try anything and she's dead.
How did Ryder even find Paige?
Ryder must've asked the professor
for Dorie's laptop, under the guise
of checking her code,
and then slipped GPS software into her hard drive.
TOBY: Who cares how he found her?
He has her. And even if we give him the money,
he'd still keep Paige with him as insurance.
Strategically placing that ransom drop by the fountain?
That was brilliant.
It's circular, so he has a good shot at seeing us
come from any angle. A sneak attack
without knowing his exact location?
That would be nearly impossible
without threatening Paige's life.
Exact location, that's it.
But we got to hurry. Come on!
Your friends better hurry.
One second late, and you and Professor Cooley
are gonna be spending a lot of time together.
Hey! Evening, folks!
Whoa, wh-what happened to your face?
Nothing, just fell down some stairs.
Oh, okay, well, hey, if you're heading to the concert,
it got busted up.
Not here for music.
Me and the Mrs. are just taking a walk around our alma mater.
Oh, well!
How nice!
You know, I always wonder which young couples around here
are gonna make it to the long haul.
Actually, pal, today's our anniversary,
so if you'd be so kind, a little privacy would be nice?
Anniversary, that's, uh, that's fantastic!
Hey, uh, let me get a picture of you-- No, thank you.
I insist! I'll-I'll e-mail you the shot.
All right, just bear with me here.
They're at the southwest side of the fountain.
If you come in on his left, he'll never see you.
Copy that.
One, two, three, cheese!
(grunting)
(grunts in pain)
Nice job, Griggs.
Slap the cuffs on him.
This is your collar.
This one? Yeah.
Put my knee right here?
You messed... you messed with the wrong guys, buddy.
(laughing)
(indistinct radio communication)
All right, the Federal Reserve system's still running fine,
so we don't have to worry about living in a Mad Max sequel.
Albert and Dorrie will be getting their degree
from a state institution, just not the kind they planned on.
Well, it looks our time here at college is up.
Oh, my God, no Hacky Sack, no naked fountain run,
and I missed the winter dance.
College still sucks.
Well, who cares?
So what, college wasn't great for us.
I bet those guys
who dumped all those jock straps on my head--
They did what now?
I bet those guys, in ten years,
won't even be in a fraternity as good as the one I'm in.
Scorpion House.
Oh, that's sweet, Sylvester.
Yeah, nice speech.
I still wanted to go to a dance.
Oh, come on, mopey.
I'll give you a lift.
You want to come ride with me?
Sure.
CABE: I'll give Sly a ride home.
Great work, Scorpion House!
If you asked me when I was in college
if I'd be working with people like Scorpion one day,
I never would've imagined it.
Well, I'd hope you'd imagine for something better.
(both chuckle)
Walter, you just made a joke.
More of that in the future, please.
Oh, noted-- I will work on humor.
Well, if it isn't our brilliant acting teacher.
So sorry to see you go.
Those who can't, teach.
I'm not sure I agree with that theory.
Do you mind if I test it?
Thank you.
(clears throat)
Oh, dear Juliet.
Why art thou yet so fair?
Shall I believe
that unsubstantial death
is amorous,
and that the lean, abhorred monster
keeps thee here,
in dark,
to be his paramour?
For fear of that,
I will stay with thee;
And never...
from this palace of din
might depart
again.
I have no idea why you find this so difficult.
Excuse me.
Walter O'Brien!
Uh-huh. That was amazing.
The emotion you just demonstrated back there?
Well, I was acting. I was faking it.
Then, why not fake it all the time?
Why do you need me on the team?
Okay, so I watched Shakespeare videos
prior to leaving the garage,
uh, to pass as a drama teacher. Uh-huh.
But I don't have enough time, uh,
to study all the scenarios in my life,
hence, you being here.
You're my Cliff Notes. No, no.
You just did a scene about pain and loss,
and it was real.
Pain and loss, oh, my God--
I-I forgot Ray's experiment.
We gotta go!
The worst part about tonight
is Wimpy Jerkhead was right about me.
I just want to go home.
Wait there.
(car alarm chirps)
(keys jingle, switch clicks) ♪ You are the man... ♪
What are you doing?
I thought you could check one thing
off your college bucket list.
We're going streaking?
The dance, dummy.
♪ The one and only man ♪
♪ That I need, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ And I'm so glad you're mine... ♪
(chuckles)
♪ 'Cause every time I need ya, baby ♪
♪ You're right there, on time... ♪
What are you doing?
Letting down my shield.
Okay.
♪ Oh, and if I should ever lose you ♪
♪ I would surely know if ♪
♪ You're... you're ♪
♪ One of a kind ♪
♪ You are the man ♪
♪ You are the man... ♪
♪ Yes, I would ♪
(slowly fading out): ♪ Yes, I would... ♪
Ray... what are you doing?
♪ You are the man... ♪
The alarm went off,
so I opened up the curtains and...
Why is Tuggle's oxygen tank in here?
WALTER: I was running a slow feed of air through it.
I had a theory that maybe it was defective,
and your partner's death wasn't your fault.
Why would you do that?
'Cause I was worried about you.
How long you been sitting here?
Three minutes.
Maybe 30...
So, what would happen if it was defective?
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
Bubble trails would form in that gelatinous mixture.
RAY: Hmm.
No bubbles.
Ray?
Look.
Is that...?
That is what I was hoping for.
So it isn't my fault Danny died?
Well, science says it's not.
(quiet laugh)
I never thought I'd have another friend like Danny.
(quiet laugh)
You know, I've, uh,
been hiding out in that Gremlin for, like, ten years now...
from something, turns out, I didn't even do.
So I think it's time that I go and say hi to the world again.
You know what I mean?
Hey, you can't keep Ray all to yourself.
You're leaving us?
Don't worry about it, brother.
I'm like a cold sore.
You never know when I'll be back.
Oh, oh...
(whispering): You know how he feels about you.
You need to go to him.
He's not able to do it on his own.
I am really gonna miss you, Pam.
(chuckles)
Tell the fellas I said, uh...
A-Ray-Vederci!
(door opens, shuts)
I was just getting used to that weirdo.
You hugged him back.
You weren't faking it there.
Huh.
Uh, well, I got to go pick up Ralph from the sitter.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, and I-I promise to get the time capsule
out of here by Friday.
Oh, yeah, the time capsule.
I know you think it's cheap sentimentality,
but I think
it's where you put things that matter.
I know there are things that matter to you, Walter O'Brien.
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Here it is, Ralph.
Super Fun Guy vs. Dr. Power Pants:
When Khakis Attacki.
It's a little bit beat up,
but it's perfect for your time capsule.
Thanks, Sylvester.
Don't thank him.
Everyone in 2065 will think we're dorks.
Here we go!
Stick this in your memory box, buddy.
What's that? It's me, graduation day.
PAIGE: Wow, elementary school?
High school, valedictorian.
This photo represents excellence in the field of superiority.
Suck on that, future people!
You were cute. What happened?
Okay, put this in.
Nuts have held the world together
since the Industrial Revolution.
And in 100 years, it will be the only thing
left inside this box that is worth anything.
WALTER: Morning, guys.
What do we have... here?
Time capsule project for school.
It's due Friday.
Want to contribute?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Should be called waste-of-time capsule.
That's clever.
(car horn honks) Oh, Mrs. Goldberg.
Give me a kiss. Mwah.
Okay, have a great day.
He has to do all his assignments, you know.
Not just math and science.
They are teaching children that there is value
to revisiting the past when it is the future that is important.
You don't think there's value in looking back once in a while?
Do you know why sharks are the most efficient ocean predator?
Because they always move forward.
SYLVESTER: Happy, it's perfect.
Titanium steel, unbreakable glass.
Take it for a spin.
PAIGE: Amazing work-- I love the hearts.
Only thing I hate more than hearts
is anything frilly or pink.
But for Megan, I made an exception.
How you holding up, Sly?
I miss her every day.
But it's been six weeks, so I'm pushing forward.
Hey, hey, Walter?
You know, I have a lovely picture
of you and Megan for you.
No, thanks. I know what we both look like.
My pal in evidence says you're lucky
the city doesn't clean out their storage.
Oh, perfect!
What the hell is that?
It's liquid glycerin.
Once it hardens, any air leakage
from the tank would create a bubble pattern,
showing Ray's partner's tank was defective
and his death was not Ray's fault.
But forensics already tested that tank, Walt.
Twice.
Testing's progressed a great deal in the last ten years.
Plus I'm smarter than they were.
TOBY: Is it now when the psychiatrist says
it's not a good idea to dig into someone else's tragedy?
Ray blames himself for his partner's death,
and it's affected his life negatively.
It's inefficient to live in the past
and compromise present productivity.
Is that why, in a month and a half,
you've barely mentioned Megan?
Barely had any reaction at all?
I'm out of here.
I need a coffee.
I was, uh, very put-off
by my sister's passing.
You're put-off by a parking ticket.
You grieve when your sister dies.
This has nothing to do with me.
This is about Ray.
He has barely left the camper lately.
And I think it's because the anniversary
of his partner's death is coming up soon.
I can help him.
And I'm thrilled that you're noticing
other people's feelings.
I... I just worry
that you're focusing on someone else's pain
to avoid your own.
Well, I can't avoid what isn't there.
CABE: Walt, Cooper's here!
She's got a hot one.
Let's go.
Last week, the Department of the Interior
was infiltrated by sophisticated ransomware,
which resulted in a complete system shutdown
we could not undo until we met
the demands of the unknown hacker.
Why didn't you call us?
Demand was only 20 grand. Deadline was tight.
Possibility of PR fallout. We paid it.
Morons. That's unfair.
Yeah, to morons.
They demanded a small amount 'cause it was a test run.
Would the ransomware work?
Yep, would you fold like a lawn chair?
Yep. So there's another ransom?
As of yesterday, except now they're threatening
to shut down the Federal Reserve
if they don't receive a quarter billion dollars in bitcoin
within the next 72 hours.
They even sent their own countdown.
Not good. Whoever did this doesn't grasp
the implications of a Federal Reserve shutdown.
If they did, they'd know they'd be as screwed as the rest of us.
What exactly are the implications?
WALTER: The Fed is where the banks
keep their reserves.
A shutdown would set off a toxic chain reaction.
Every bank, from conglomerates
to small S and L's would need to shut down, too.
Then foreign economies lose confidence
and refuse to lend to us.
That means a huge devaluation of the dollar.
Driving investors to other currencies.
U.S. would have no more credit
and be unable to afford imports.
Which leaves us with a high demand for and a low supply
of goods like food and gas
and other necessities.
Global panic sets in within days.
Our economy reverts to one
where food growers barter for services.
I hate computers.
That's why I need you to get into the Fed's server
and kill this ransomware.
I'm already in and it's-it's not happening.
Every time I try and break the code, it changes.
It's as if it's adapting.
Walter can't get in.
Can I start hoarding cans of food now, please?
You don't have any other leads?
COOPER: The NSA picked up
some suspicious encrypted e-mails,
which they ran through linguistics software.
There was one match to the blog posts of Terence Cooley,
an Oceanside University computer science professor.
Agents discovered him shot dead
in his apartment three hours ago.
Tech ran his laptop.
Nothing related to the ransomware.
But what we do have is a starting point-- the campus.
And if you look carefully enough... bingo!
I found a ghosted entry path to the Fed's server
uploaded from a computer
at the school student activity center.
How does that help?
The dead prof could've done the upload.
Checking that possibility now,
and at the time of the upload,
Professor Cooley was teaching a class.
There is a video online of the lecture.
So someone who was at the activities center at the time
uploaded the ransomware to the Federal Reserve.
According to the center's register,
the space was reserved that day
by a psych department meeting,
a drama club gathering,
the wrestling team's luncheon
and an assembly of the Sisters of Pi Upsilon.
Oh, I was in Pi Up.
What? I-I was.
Campus security's offices are also in the basement,
which means anyone from any one of those groups
could've uploaded the ransomware.
I bet Walt and I could design a DFS
that could sniff out the device used to send it.
It's a digital fingerprint scanner.
Each brand of electronics emits
its own unique electromagnetic field.
I can tell from the upload pattern
that a Toshoki-brand device was used.
Okay, so we build the DFSes.
You give them to Homeland agents,
who go undercover on campus.
And they will get a ping
when they get close to someone with a Toshoki product.
And then we detain just that person
and then confiscate that device.
And if it's the device we're looking for,
it'll have the original ransomware code on it.
Walter will reverse-engineer it and shut it down.
Solid plan, except agents won't know
how to handle technical snafus.
SYLVESTER: Oh, no!
I am not going back to college!
College was the worst six months of my life.
I'm in and I'm gonna do it right this time.
College sucked hard for 14-year-old Tobias Curtis.
Guys, college is fun.
College is a continued adolescence factory,
where parents subsidize years of nonsense,
instead of serious academic rigor.
Yeah, fun.
All right, look, we got a ticking clock.
All right? So suck it up.
We're gonna infiltrate
each one of those campus groups
and find the device that uploaded the code,
period.
Let's get ready for school.
Have you ever wrestled?
With my emotions. Down on all fours.
Nothing good has ever started with that sentence.
Okay, so this is the Pi Up spirit song.
♪ Oh, sisters are we ♪
♪ We're loyal to thee ♪
♪ And together we'll always be Pi Up ♪
♪ With pink, white and gold, our colors so bold ♪
♪ With all weather, we'll always be ♪
(quieter): ♪ Pi Up. ♪
Wrestlers wear singlets.
♪ Yeah... ♪
On what, their wrists?!
Happy, don't fight me on this.
It's what they wear.
I didn't go to college for this very reason.
Don't forget the sweater.
(fabric tears)
Oh, I didn't.
What's your first move?
♪ Let me hold you... ♪
COOPER: With the help of the FBI,
we've arranged for Cabe to fill a trainee slot
with campus security.
Walter, you're gonna be a guest instructor
for the drama club, visiting from Baker Lake University
in Canada.
And, Doc,
you are going to be applying for a job
as a professor in the psych department.
The hardest thing will be for me to not actually get hired.
No, no, no, no way!
Quincy Berkstead? I won't do this!
Uh-oh. What's the problem?
Uh, well, it seems Toby has
to apply for a job from his old nemesis.
Quincy Berkstead stole my fiancée!
I can't ask Wimpy Jerkhead for a job.
What do you care? You like Happy.
It's a matter of pride.
Then swallow it. If I got to be a rent-a-cop
and Sylvester's got to get the crap beat out of him...
What?!
...then you can man up and get the job done.
Now,
inspection in 15 minutes.
Susie Lee, hopeful rushee of the Pi Upsilon sorority.
Present.
Drama instructor Vern Portnoy?
Here.
Walk-on wrestler Sam Paley?
I'm against this.
Security Officer Galbreath?
Accounted for.
And Dr. Tobias M. Curtis, applicant for position
in Professor Quincy Berkstead's Psychology Department.
(blows raspberry)
So, Paige, what do you think?
Now I know why you guys had such a hard time in college.
♪ ♪
Lovely.
Wow.
You know, would it kill Homeland
to get us a nice hotel room for once?
Okay, everyone grab a scanner.
They're temperamental. You might get a hit a few feet
from someone or you might have to be right on top of them.
WALTER: Software is running.
Now, if we get near the electromagnetic field
of a Toshoki device, you will get
a visual and audio response like this.
(beeping)
And you'll let us know when we strike oil?
Got it. Everyone got their comms in?
I got more than my comms.
I got my bucket list.
I'm making college count this time.
I checked the event calendar.
There's a Hacky-Sack-a-thon in the quad,
naked fountain run in a few hours,
and there's a winter dance at Adelphi Hall.
SYLVESTER: I saw the astrophysics lab
has an exhibit on vintage spacesuits.
I'd love to check that out.
Nerd.
Put your plans on hold because Sly
has to get to the wrestling fraternity,
Happy has to go rush Pi Up,
Cabe's meeting his supervisor in 20 minutes,
Walter's got a class to teach,
and, Toby, you've got a job interview coming up.
You heard her. Let's get to it.
♪ We gonna step up in the booth like it's the first time... ♪
I'm here.
These are the guys who ruined
the elastic in my underwear growing up.
Play the part and go find that device.
(clears throat)
Hello.
My name is Sam Paley.
I am a transfer student looking to
try out for the wrestling team.
My JC coach should've called you
to let you know that I'd be coming by.
Yeah, he totally did, bro.
I'm Craig. My house name's Toad.
This is Skid Mark, Muskrat, Stinky and the Gooch.
Nice to meet you, the Gooch.
Your timing's perfect-- today's team photo day.
You can say cheese with the rest of us.
Well, thank you for making me feel so welcome.
(chuckles) Hey, wrestlers for life.
Right, Tyrannosaurus Sex?
That'll be your house name 'cause you're big and sexy.
(laughs)
All right, let's get this party started.
Yeah, yeah.
This is awesome-- you can get near every member
of the team at once,
and if they have a phone or device
that matches what we're looking for, we'll know right away.
Let's get Sam right in the middle there,
make him feel real welcome.
Okeydokey, Toad. (chuckles)
Okay, uh, tradition is we link arms together
in a wrestling lock. Oh, okay, whatever you say.
(clears throat)
And... now!
(laughing, whooping)
(groans)
Aah!
(laughing)
(groans)
Freshly worn jocks, bro.
(laughs)
We don't take transfers.
Now beat it.
That sounds bad.
Worse, your scanner didn't catch a ping.
Well, I think I just caught hepatitis.
My college experience has not changed.
Walter, how are things with you?
Your frequency strength's shaky.
So we're getting nothing.
Uh, we're so sorry.
Uh, we'll dig deeper.
Oh, no, you're confused, I...
We're missing the scene's meaning?
No, I was talking to myself, not you guys.
What?
You referred to us as "guys."
I'm a woman.
It's just a mistake your generation sometimes makes,
defining with gender-dominant labels.
I made a mistake?
Walter, these are drama students.
They are nothing but EQ,
and their PC is all about sensitivity,
so just be patient with them.
No, I wasn't mistaken.
Webster's Dictionary states
that "guys" may be used in plural
to refer to members of a group regardless of sex.
More than two is a group.
Stop debating, get near them,
and let your scanner do its thing.
Your term choice is a microaggression.
Well, if it's "micro," why is it a problem?
Walter, there's nothing coming over your scanner.
The device isn't there.
You can stop fighting with the students and leave.
Okay, time for me to go.
Good, and take your trigger words with you.
You know what, uh, as your teacher,
let me leave you with some guidance.
You're spoiled, coddled and wasting your time.
Study science, math, go to vocational school,
or learn a trade, because statistically you have
less than a .01 chance of making it as an actor,
and based on what I've seen today,
it's even less than that.
Okay, have a good day.
♪ Oh, sisters are we, we're loyal to thee ♪
♪ And together we'll always be: Pi Up ♪
♪ In pink, white and gold, our colors so bold ♪
♪ In hot weather we'll always be: Pi Up. ♪
Pi Up.
Yeah, that was awesome.
So I speak on behalf of all Pi Ups
when I say you guys would make great sisters.
But space is limited.
So we're gonna start the rush speed-date circuit,
where you guys get to know us and we get to know you.
Now, some of the questions might be wacky, so look out.
Okay, groups of two, move about the house,
and meet the sisters of Pi Upsilon.
(whooping)
(indistinct chatter)
PAIGE: Happy, this is your shot.
You can get through most
of the sorority house within the hour.
Peachy.
Why do you want to go Pi Up?
School spirit, to help with your great charitable work,
and, of course, sisterhood.
I need a place to live, and this house has decent craftsmanship.
Happy, no.
If you could have dinner with any celebrity,
who would it be?
Elon Musk.
Ryan Gosling.
Who's that?
What superpower do you wish you had?
To talk to animals.
I love pets.
At this very moment-- teleportation.
Okay, I'm-I'm still getting squat on the software.
Keep it up. I'm gonna check with Toby.
Hi, um, Susie.
I was wondering, can I ask you something?
More questions.
Great, what would you like to know, Mavis?
Okay.
Um... why are you here?
Lots of us are away from home for the first time.
I am.
And I miss my real sisters.
And I think this place might be good for me.
And everyone here is so nice... except you.
You're kind of mean and sarcastic.
Have you ever gotten homesick?
Wouldn't it be nice to have a surrogate family?
I've thought about it from time to time.
Well, you can't truly have one
until you lower that shield of yours.
That's all.
TOBY: It's demeaning.
Plus I didn't get to Hacky my Sack,
and I'm presently missing the naked fountain run. PAIGE: Too bad.
Now walk into the interview, meet with the psych department,
and hopefully we can get a hit and end this madness.
I want the record to note that I would never, in reality,
apply for a job from Quincy Berkstead.
Okay, I'm... noting it on your file.
Don't patronize me.
Sorry you had to hear that.
I am just having a stressful day.
You work in the psych department?
Not really, just helping them with a study
of how a positive attitude affects athletic performance.
Oh, man, you're Willie McGinest from the Patriots.
That's right, and if you don't mind me saying,
your negativity could use a little adjustment.
I'm normally not that cranky.
I-I just have a stupid job interview.
Never gonna get the position with that mindset.
You know how I got the NFL record for postseason sacks?
I have to assume, that expanded playoff schedule.
I mean, a team plays that many extra games,
statistically speaking,
eventually someone's gonna break that record.
Anyone.
You were gonna say "positive attitude," weren't you?
You're never getting that job.
WOMAN: Mr. Curtis, you can come in now.
Toby.
Wim... Quincy, where's the board?
Told them not to come.
You applying for this job is passive-aggressive.
I don't know what point you're trying to make,
but we're both doctors.
I'm a doctor, you're a psychologist.
Take it easy.
You must be here for a reason, taking up my time.
T-Taking your time?
You took my wife. Fiancée.
Why can't any of you people get along with anyone else?
Now cut the crap, get close to him, and scan for the signal.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I-I came here to humiliate you.
Looks like I'm only doing that to myself.
And I-I guess I just...
I never got over being bested by you,
and it's hard, when you're used to being right all the time,
to admit you're wrong.
I am sorry about all this.
(pings) I have a small ping.
Get closer.
Oh, come on, let's do this right.
(pinging) Toby, we got him.
Stall him, I got to tell Cabe.
So, Griggs, any chance I'm meeting the rest of the squad
before the afternoon debriefing?
Excited about the job.
That makes one of us.
How so?
I just always wanted to be a cop like my dad.
You know, slapping on cuffs, making collars.
But I got a weak ticker, so I can't be on the force,
so I work here.
Damn kids put dog turds on my Segway wheels.
PAIGE: Cabe, Toby might have our guy.
You've got to get to the psych building.
I've got to hit the head.
I'll be back in a few.
Go ahead.
There's nothing happening here.
I have to say, asking for counseling,
especially from me, is a big first step.
You were always the better therapist.
(tires screeching)
If you were really smarter than me,
I'd be the one unconscious right now.
Okay, everyone stay in your persona until Toby confirms
the ransomware is actually on Quincy's device. ♪ ♪
Okay, just hurry up so I can leave.
I don't like it here.
♪ Every day's a party and a holiday... ♪
Lots of pretentious apps on your cell phone, Quincy.
But I still haven't found what we're looking for. Yet.
CABE: Who are you working with?
The psych department. Is this about my wife?
You mean my former fiancée?
I swear, I don't know anything about any ransom software.
I have federal permission from Homeland
to do whatever is necessary to get you to talk.
This is sulfuric acid.
Tell us what you know,
or you'll never need a Halloween costume again.
I know nothing. CABE: Easy. Easy, Doc!
(shrieks)
It's just water.
You scream like a girl, by the way.
FYI, his phone's clean.
I just hate him.
Great.
Now we're back to where we started.
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Why can't you be normal?
Guys, your comms are linked. We struck out on Quincy.
MAN: Dorie, we're in serious trouble.
So you have to keep it up a while longer.
Shh! Professor Cooley is dead.
There's an argument next door.
I think I just heard someone say "Cooley."
That's the name of the dead professor, right?
Yes, what-what are they saying?
(pinging) Whoa. Whoa, I just got a big ping here.
Happy, is-is there a hair dryer in there?
If so, crack the casing and then take out the heating coil.
Yeah, I know how to make
a listening device from a hair dryer.
MAN: We need to call the cops.
DORIE: We can't, Alberto, we'll go to prison.
ALBERTO: The news is saying that Professor Cooley was murdered.
We could be next.
It-it wasn't supposed to be like this.
We have some money-- we can just get out of here.
We can't just... (door opens)
ALBERTO: Who the hell are you?
You both need to come with me now.
Not now, just go back to the mixer.
Okay, I'm not a college student, I'm with Homeland.
And you are both clearly over your heads.
We know about the ransomware,
so just give me the laptop and do what I tell you.
Look, we don't even know who you are.
(gasps) Oh, my God!
The next one is gonna be 24 inches lower,
and it's gonna hurt a lot more.
(coughs) What the...? Are you okay?
Your professor was murdered to tie up loose ends.
I bet you're both next.
So I suggest you come with me now if you want to survive.
♪ ♪
Okay.
(tires screeching) Not good. Follow me.
(tires screech)
♪ ♪
(grunts)
HAPPY: Go there.
Get inside.
DORIE: What-what do we do now?
Okay, for starters, shut up.
Oh, my God, is he gonna kill us?
Just let me think.
Okay. Come on. Okay.
Shh.
Hey.
(clattering, Happy gasps)
What are you doing?
It all comes down to nuts.
(buzzes)
(man groaning)
Come on, let's go!
ALBERTO: Come on. Come on. (groaning)
We're not computer students, but we know how to code.
Really well.
Professor Cooley saw our skills,
asked if we wanted to make some quick cash.
Cooley said he had a friend named Ryder.
They studied programming together, back in the day.
Ryder wanted to hire someone to write code for him.
So Ryder was the guy who was chasing us.
Probably. We never met him.
He just gave instructions and money to Cooley,
who passed them along to us.
We cranked out the code, Cooley uploaded it to the quantum.
We figured that was the end of it until Cooley wound up dead.
Did... did you just say "quantum"?
It's in the basement of the comp sci building.
Top secret. Only Professor Cooley
and maybe two other school officials knew about it.
Okay, so the anti-code to the ransomware that I just scripted
cannot be uploaded to the Fed
if we are going up against a quantum.
What's a quantum? Quantum computers are extremely rare.
At any time, maybe three or four of them exist on the planet
at top government research labs or universities.
Totally hush-hush.
Unlike standard binary computers,
quantums transmit data using precision lasers.
Billions of times faster than even today's top processors.
That's why the ransomware kept adapting
when I was trying to hack it.
No human can outthink a quantum, not even me.
But these lasers are as unstable as they are fast.
Some last a few days, at most, a couple weeks.
So Ryder paid to have the ransomware built,
and his pal Cooley had access to a supercomputer,
and he could pull it off without getting caught.
(cell phone rings)
Yeah, Cooper.
Okay.
I'll check it out. Thanks.
Homeland just got another e-mail from Ryder.
"You now have one hour."
Now that he knows we're on to him,
he's trying to shorten the time frame.
Okay, so, Paige, you stay here with Dorie and Alberto.
We're gonna go to the one place that we can stop this hack.
Where's that?
The quantum.
Now, if I can upload my anti-code
directly into the quantum,
then it can run as fast as the ransomware itself
and unravel it.
Hey, Doc, you forget someone?
Wh-Why's Professor Berkstead tied up?
CABE: We brought this guy here for no reason.
Now what are we gonna do with him? Nothing's done for no reason.
Ooh, stand back, Cabe.
Here comes some dime-store analysis you don't want to miss.
You want analysis?
You're the reason Amy left you.
You spent most nights at card tables.
You missed her birthday 'cause you were at the track.
You blew through both your savings.
You're an egomaniac and a narcissist.
And after all these years,
the only person you blame is me.
Keep your mouth shut about all this.
WALTER: The quantum computer.
SYLVESTER: It's like meeting Elvis.
If that's what sent the ransomware,
let's just smash it and end this.
No, if we do, the ransomware
will stay embedded in the Fed's server.
It'll keep running,
and before we know it, our economy collapses.
Our only hope is to slow the quantum down
so that I can upload my anti-code
to shut down the ransomware.
Now, to do that, we need to insert a mirror
to reflect back one of those lasers on itself,
so that we can reduce the quantum's power
from four qubits to two.
We'll have to drill through the Plexiglas
while maintaining the vacuum seal, 'cause if the seal breaks,
the computer collapses and the ransomware survives.
How do you do that?
You pour butane over the drill.
It should seal the cracks between the drill and the glass
and maintain the vacuum.
Easier said than done.
That room is kept at the only temperature
at which a quantum computer can function:
negative 100 degrees Celsius.
If your drill gets too hot, and the temperature increases
by more than .3 degrees, it'll kill the computer.
I'll wrap it in insulation I pull from the wall.
Insulation won't work on your body.
At negative 100 degrees Celsius, you'll die in seconds.
Uh, speaking of death, if I drill too fast,
we get a friction spark,
exploding the gases in the cube, and we die.
Not to mention if there's too much vibration
or a large sound wave,
then the quantum's lasers will jostle and explode,
and we die.
TOBY: You guys have fun.
I'll be up here in the observation room.
22 minutes until economic meltdown.
We need to get in there.
How... when it's 100 degrees below zero?
Remember when you called me a nerd before?
Get ready to apologize.
(heroic music playing)
(squeaks, clanks, air hisses)
(beeping steadily)
Doing well.
Heart rates are normal but...
you only have 12 minutes to do a job that should take 12 hours,
so be very careful, but hurry the hell up.
Don't so much as breathe on it.
(grunts, gasps)
(gasping)
(quiet blipping, electronic chiming)
HAPPY: Adding butane now.
Happy, drill at that precise angle.
Any variation will increase friction.
Creating a blast so intense it would rip off your space suits,
and you'd be dead before you made it to the door.
Nice steady hand, Happy.
TOBY: Oh, no high fives yet, guys.
Lots to do; only six minutes left to do it.
WALTER: Okay, Sly, you're up.
(panting anxiously)
O... kay.
Now, angle the mirror at precisely 78 degrees,
to reflect the laser back to the cube
and reduce the quantum's power.
(panting): Uh... uh...
Easy, big fella.
Your adrenaline and cortisol are spiking.
Just take a breath.
You're doing great.
He is not doing great.
His vitals are all over the place.
His core temperature goes up,
it affects the overall temp in that room even by a fraction,
the quantum fails and we blow up.
Not to mention if he bounces that laser around, we blow up.
There's lots of ways to blow up.
(anxious breathing)
(rumbling)
It's an earthquake!
WALTER: Hold it steady, Sly.
If that foil falls, we can't pick it back up again.
TOBY: The laser shakes out of position,
this whole place is a fireball.
Okay, it's not a quake, it's...
I feel like... it's a frequency at about 41.2 hertz.
It's a damn bass amp.
And it's coming from above us.
(muffled bass line thumping)
I'm on it!
(dance music throbbing)
TOBY: Two minutes to go, Cabe, what do you got?
A major problem.
(music pulsates)
(record scratches, music stops)
All right, the show's over! Everybody back to their dorms!
Suck it, old man!
Undercover DEA.
I want to see the contents of your knapsacks right now.
MAN: Let's go! Go! (students clamoring)
Take that, ya punks.
Threat cleared.
Go, Sylvester.
TOBY: Sly, your heart rate is increasing,
increasing the temp in that suit,
which is increasing the temp in the room.
I can't help it, I'm terrified.
Plus I drank a Double Dr. Shaz before we left the apartment,
and I really have to pee.
(blipping)
One-tenth of a degree, and we're all toast.
HAPPY: Time check? TOBY: 70 seconds.
We have to do something to calm him now.
Sylvester, it's Paige, listen to me, pal.
Paige, if you're going to tell me
to imagine a calm, safe place, now is not the time.
I wouldn't do that.
I want you to imagine a calm, safe person.
Who made you feel calm and safe, Sylvester?
Megan.
That's right.
She believed in you, didn't she?
In all of us?
Not the time to discuss my sister.
You never want to discuss her, and this is not about you.
Zip it, Walt, it's working.
Think of how proud she would be of you right now.
Your confidence, your bravery.
The strength she gave you.
Be strong for her.
Know she's with you now.
(electronic whirring)
TOBY: 15 seconds!
The quantum's slowing.
Now we just need to plug in the drive and upload the code.
TOBY: Five seconds, Walt.
Eight, seven, six!
Five... four...
three... two...
(quiet click, rapid blipping)
(electronic chiming)
TOBY: Ransomware is down.
Federal Reserve is safe!
We did it. We did it, we did it.
Great work, team!
TOBY: Now you can get out of that suit and pee, buddy.
Actually, I don't have to anymore.
Ew.
Paige, I'm sorry I snapped at you.
That was great work with Sly.
Thanks, but we've got a problem.
You stopped my ransomware.
But I still want my money.
Or your friend dies.
Bring the bitcoin wallet to the founder's fountain.
You give me the money, I give you your friend.
Now... where the hell are those kids?
They hit Happy after they got back from the shed and got away.
I don't believe you.
You think I'd lie about some spoiled kids?
If you don't believe me, search the apartment.
The founder's fountain in 20 minutes.
You try anything and she's dead.
How did Ryder even find Paige?
Ryder must've asked the professor
for Dorie's laptop, under the guise
of checking her code,
and then slipped GPS software into her hard drive.
TOBY: Who cares how he found her?
He has her. And even if we give him the money,
he'd still keep Paige with him as insurance.
Strategically placing that ransom drop by the fountain?
That was brilliant.
It's circular, so he has a good shot at seeing us
come from any angle. A sneak attack
without knowing his exact location?
That would be nearly impossible
without threatening Paige's life.
Exact location, that's it.
But we got to hurry. Come on!
Your friends better hurry.
One second late, and you and Professor Cooley
are gonna be spending a lot of time together.
Hey! Evening, folks!
Whoa, wh-what happened to your face?
Nothing, just fell down some stairs.
Oh, okay, well, hey, if you're heading to the concert,
it got busted up.
Not here for music.
Me and the Mrs. are just taking a walk around our alma mater.
Oh, well!
How nice!
You know, I always wonder which young couples around here
are gonna make it to the long haul.
Actually, pal, today's our anniversary,
so if you'd be so kind, a little privacy would be nice?
Anniversary, that's, uh, that's fantastic!
Hey, uh, let me get a picture of you-- No, thank you.
I insist! I'll-I'll e-mail you the shot.
All right, just bear with me here.
They're at the southwest side of the fountain.
If you come in on his left, he'll never see you.
Copy that.
One, two, three, cheese!
(grunting)
(grunts in pain)
Nice job, Griggs.
Slap the cuffs on him.
This is your collar.
This one? Yeah.
Put my knee right here?
You messed... you messed with the wrong guys, buddy.
(laughing)
(indistinct radio communication)
All right, the Federal Reserve system's still running fine,
so we don't have to worry about living in a Mad Max sequel.
Albert and Dorrie will be getting their degree
from a state institution, just not the kind they planned on.
Well, it looks our time here at college is up.
Oh, my God, no Hacky Sack, no naked fountain run,
and I missed the winter dance.
College still sucks.
Well, who cares?
So what, college wasn't great for us.
I bet those guys
who dumped all those jock straps on my head--
They did what now?
I bet those guys, in ten years,
won't even be in a fraternity as good as the one I'm in.
Scorpion House.
Oh, that's sweet, Sylvester.
Yeah, nice speech.
I still wanted to go to a dance.
Oh, come on, mopey.
I'll give you a lift.
You want to come ride with me?
Sure.
CABE: I'll give Sly a ride home.
Great work, Scorpion House!
If you asked me when I was in college
if I'd be working with people like Scorpion one day,
I never would've imagined it.
Well, I'd hope you'd imagine for something better.
(both chuckle)
Walter, you just made a joke.
More of that in the future, please.
Oh, noted-- I will work on humor.
Well, if it isn't our brilliant acting teacher.
So sorry to see you go.
Those who can't, teach.
I'm not sure I agree with that theory.
Do you mind if I test it?
Thank you.
(clears throat)
Oh, dear Juliet.
Why art thou yet so fair?
Shall I believe
that unsubstantial death
is amorous,
and that the lean, abhorred monster
keeps thee here,
in dark,
to be his paramour?
For fear of that,
I will stay with thee;
And never...
from this palace of din
might depart
again.
I have no idea why you find this so difficult.
Excuse me.
Walter O'Brien!
Uh-huh. That was amazing.
The emotion you just demonstrated back there?
Well, I was acting. I was faking it.
Then, why not fake it all the time?
Why do you need me on the team?
Okay, so I watched Shakespeare videos
prior to leaving the garage,
uh, to pass as a drama teacher. Uh-huh.
But I don't have enough time, uh,
to study all the scenarios in my life,
hence, you being here.
You're my Cliff Notes. No, no.
You just did a scene about pain and loss,
and it was real.
Pain and loss, oh, my God--
I-I forgot Ray's experiment.
We gotta go!
The worst part about tonight
is Wimpy Jerkhead was right about me.
I just want to go home.
Wait there.
(car alarm chirps)
(keys jingle, switch clicks) ♪ You are the man... ♪
What are you doing?
I thought you could check one thing
off your college bucket list.
We're going streaking?
The dance, dummy.
♪ The one and only man ♪
♪ That I need, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ And I'm so glad you're mine... ♪
(chuckles)
♪ 'Cause every time I need ya, baby ♪
♪ You're right there, on time... ♪
What are you doing?
Letting down my shield.
Okay.
♪ Oh, and if I should ever lose you ♪
♪ I would surely know if ♪
♪ You're... you're ♪
♪ One of a kind ♪
♪ You are the man ♪
♪ You are the man... ♪
♪ Yes, I would ♪
(slowly fading out): ♪ Yes, I would... ♪
Ray... what are you doing?
♪ You are the man... ♪
The alarm went off,
so I opened up the curtains and...
Why is Tuggle's oxygen tank in here?
WALTER: I was running a slow feed of air through it.
I had a theory that maybe it was defective,
and your partner's death wasn't your fault.
Why would you do that?
'Cause I was worried about you.
How long you been sitting here?
Three minutes.
Maybe 30...
So, what would happen if it was defective?
(clears throat)
(clears throat)
Bubble trails would form in that gelatinous mixture.
RAY: Hmm.
No bubbles.
Ray?
Look.
Is that...?
That is what I was hoping for.
So it isn't my fault Danny died?
Well, science says it's not.
(quiet laugh)
I never thought I'd have another friend like Danny.
(quiet laugh)
You know, I've, uh,
been hiding out in that Gremlin for, like, ten years now...
from something, turns out, I didn't even do.
So I think it's time that I go and say hi to the world again.
You know what I mean?
Hey, you can't keep Ray all to yourself.
You're leaving us?
Don't worry about it, brother.
I'm like a cold sore.
You never know when I'll be back.
Oh, oh...
(whispering): You know how he feels about you.
You need to go to him.
He's not able to do it on his own.
I am really gonna miss you, Pam.
(chuckles)
Tell the fellas I said, uh...
A-Ray-Vederci!
(door opens, shuts)
I was just getting used to that weirdo.
You hugged him back.
You weren't faking it there.
Huh.
Uh, well, I got to go pick up Ralph from the sitter.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, and I-I promise to get the time capsule
out of here by Friday.
Oh, yeah, the time capsule.
I know you think it's cheap sentimentality,
but I think
it's where you put things that matter.
I know there are things that matter to you, Walter O'Brien.
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