Schulz Saves America (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Coronavirus: The Pandemic Unmasked Our Pitiful Politicians - full transcript

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What's up, people? I'm Andrew Schulz.

Rich, as of recently.
Successful, on YouTube.

A sex icon.

Right now I could be
slurping Shirley Temples

on Epstein's island,

but instead, I'm here to save America.

You're welcome.

Now, let's fucking go.

Coronavirus, you lung-lynching
globe fucker!

This year, the 'rona rocked us
harder than a nanny with Parkinson's,



and the entire world
was forced to quarantine.

The only "teen" Ghislaine didn't diddle.

Over the next few months,

we'd wash our hands
more than a Muslim midwife,

covered our face like a giggling geisha,

and left the house
less than Anne Frank in a hailstorm.

I said "hailstorm."

Now, in order to have
a nuanced, logical discussion

about the Asian parasite…

No, the Chinese one.

People on the extremes, shut the fuck up!

Ever since the old steamed dump lung

started knocking down
more grandmas than Matlock,

these extremists
have some bullshit hot take



less scientific
than a Sudanese sex ed class.

You know who I'm talking about.

The stay-at-home, locked-down loyalists

that claim they're
from the "party of science,"

but sleep under a dreamcatcher.

They call anyone
that ventures outside a grandma murderer.

Listen up. The only person
that murdered your grandma

is that chimp-nippled sauce monkey
that stuffed her in a COVID dementia den.

But they're not the only ones.

On the other side, you got these
annoying master baiters.

I said "mask debaters."

You know, the fighters for facial freedom

that are willing
to risk their life to smell a Walmart.

These are the same dipshits that say,

"Businesses can
turn down service to anyone."

"Bakers shouldn't have
to make a queer cake."

Not that queer cake.

And as soon as a minimum-wage employee
asks them to put a mask on,

they freak out like Ellen
when an intern downs a tuna sandwich.

And if anyone
should understand eating fish…

Anyway, I get it. Guys, this sucks.

But trying to couch-commando corona
doesn't help anything.

You're not an expert
because you watch Plandemic

in between Britney blinking Morse code

and this chick sucking off
more Suns than a solar panel.

Now, for the rest of us,

those that aren't acting
like the High Septons of sneezing

or going all Meal Team Six
on the statehouse,

we need to come to some sort of
agreement as to what's going on.

So let's go back 100 years to this March,

while corona was pillaging
more foreigners than the Vikings,

America didn't know anything was going on.

And can you blame us?

I mean, the French were wining,

Italians were singing
from their balconies,

the Chinese government
finger-trapped its people at home,

no man daring to go outside.

That's just business as usual, baby.

America was completely oblivious.

Until it affected one man.

It made a big splash on our shores,

leaving us sleepless in Seattle
and Philadelphia.

We could no longer cast away our fears
because the virus was terminal.

That man was Tom Hanks.

Thanks for being in all those movies
so we could use them as punchlines.

Heh! We missed one.

Now, you guys know Tom,
the man that made the most wholesome movie

about a hooker trying to give
a Biden-brain war hero AIDS?

Well, he caught corona,
and Americans took it seriously.

Be honest. Without him, we'd still be
tongue-punching elevator buttons

and deep-throating doorknobs. So, thanks.

But after Peeping Tom
and the NBA were shut down

because Rudy Gobert polished more mics
than a Neverland ranch hand,

the lockdown began.

I'll be honest.
Like Drake, I don't love lockdown,

but initially, we needed it.

NYC was hit harder than country fans

finding out Lil Nas X was riding bulls
longer than eight seconds.

The hospitals, they had more dead bodies
than the Clintons' backyard,

and we were catching more cases
than a Trump bachelor party.

Okay, we're done with this.

When we locked down,
we found out what Americans valued most.

That paper.

Toilet paper?

Yeah. TP flew off the shelves

faster than Gushers on Epstein's island.

People were so desperate for rolls

they would have watched Weinstein
wank into a weeping willow.

It was a bit surprising.

I mean, you'd think
it'd be bread, eggs, pasta.

But I guess the only thing
these millennials eat is ass.

I mean, everything was so confusing.

Remember when Fauci
first crawled out of his tree stump

and told us not to wear masks?

Then he sees his shadow
and makes us mask up forever.

We didn't know who to trust,
so we started making up our own rules,

like wearing latex gloves

and wiping down more packages
than Bob Kraft's masseuse.

And when the official rules
came in, they were great.

Because they were just common sense.

Wash your fucking hands,

cover your fucking mouth,

don't eat beef and broccoli

and maintain a social distance

of half the gap
between Michael Strahan's teeth.

Generally, everybody was willing to do it

because look,
there's no pandemic playbook.

Politicians were trying to save lives,

and they were
erring on the side of caution.

And then came the bullshit.

LA mayor and
Spirit Airlines stewardess Eric Garcetti

acted like an '80s movie villain

and started filling up
skate parks with more sand

than Cleopatra's camel toe.

Oh, remember when they
yanked a surfer out of the sea?

Is that the first time
we've ever stopped a waterboarder?

They arrested a father
for playing catch with his daughter.

And now he's probably playing
a whole different type of catch in jail.

So, did these precautions
really protect us from getting the virus?

Probably not.

You know what? Maybe it did more harm,

because when people saw
the inconsistency in the rules,

they began to question all the rules.

And I get their skepticism.

I mean, most politicians
are spineless sociopaths

plowing interns
and suckling subsidies off of citizens.

And you know what? Corona proved it.

Remember that drug they said
was a felony two years ago

and gave Kamala her career?

Well, now it's an essential business.

So I guess our prisons
are filled with essential workers.

And unfortunately,
the only thing clapping at 7:00 p.m.

is their cheeks.

I haven't seen anything go
from illegal to essential this fast

since Kylie.

Speaking of cheap plastic,

California governor

and inflatable fuck doll Gavin Newsom

ordered wineries in 19 counties to close.

You know what Gavin didn't order closed?
His own fucking winery!

Nothing says man of the people
like owning a vineyard.

There's a drought in California,

and Gavin is hosing down his grapes

like they're striving
for civil rights in Selma.

These dorks can't even
follow their own rules.

Yeah, Nancy Pelosi, who looks like
she got a facelift from a taxidermist,

was caught getting her Pan Am perm

at a local hair salon
that she ordered to shut down.

And it turns out,
being a piece-of-shit politician

goes both ways.

Like Andrew Gillum in a motel meth orgy.

Which actually would have
helped him win Florida.

It's not just the left.

The jerk-offs
on the right are just as bad.

I mean, Republican Senators Richard Burr,

who looks like
he ran for Senate to ban dancing,

and part-time Muppet Kelly Loeffler
got a secret briefing

on the impending
economic destruction of corona,

immediately sold their own stock,

and then told everyone
not to worry about corona.

Hey, Vanilla ISIS, these are
the politicians you should be kidnapping.

At the end of the day,
money always trumps everything.

And speaking of Trump,

boy, did he fuck up the Wuhanic plague.

And I'm not just talking about his policy,

like putting twink-pounding Pence
in charge of containing COVID.

I mean, it's no surprise Trump got it.

The last time Pence
was put in charge of a pandemic,

AIDS spread through his state
like blue dye in a maxi pad.

But the reality is
I can't criticize Trump for his policy

because we still don't know the long-term
impact of a lung flu lockdown.

I mean, sure, it would have
decreased deaths today,

but the economic effects alone could cause

far more deaths due to poverty, suicide,

or your girl forcing you
to watch Selling Sunset.

So, I get that people are mad at Trump,

but their anger
is misplaced at his policy,

when it should be focused
on his monumental misuse of influence.

I mean, Trump is
the biggest influencer in the world.

The guy says, "Support Goya,"

and suddenly they're moving
more beans than a border coyote.

Whites haven't been
this interested in spices

since England discovered India.

Trump has tens of millions of followers
on social media, except TikTok,

and that's probably because he dances
like he's turning tricks at a truck stop.

And with all that influence,

instead of erring on the side of caution,

he told people corona was the flu.

What makes it even worse is,
back in February,

he told Bob Woodward
the virus was deadlier

than a Caitlyn Jenner drag race.

And that story disappeared
faster than Bruce's Adam's apple.

Well done, Kardashians.

Trump constantly undermined the experts
and refused to wear protection,

like Drake running through his six.

He's played his part
and absolutely deserves blame.

But is this coronavirus thing
all his fault? No.

Is it all America's fault? Of course not.

To all the people out there saying,

"America shouldn't have been
showing so much skin,"

I refuse to victim blame. I'm a feminist.

How about China shouldn't have been
shoving it down our throats?

Don't tell America what to wear.
Tell China not to infect.

I mean, let's be honest.

Next to squatting to smoke a cigarette,

slinging viruses
is their favorite thing to do.

They make everything over there.

Bubonic plague,

SARS, bird flu, corona,

fifteen-second dance videos.

I mean, Chinese viruses
have killed almost as many people

as Chinese dictators.

Right now, Winnie the flu

is rounding up whites who wanna be Black

and throwing them in concentration…

Oh, it's pronounced "Weegars"?

Got you. I was confused.
But, hey, General Ash,

why don't you stop playing
Pokémon with Muslims?

You don't gotta
catch 'em all, Hamudulillah.

How about you start treating wet markets
like those mosques you're so afraid of,

and maybe we can
have Christmas with our mee-maws?

Now, let me be clear here.

I'm not talking about Chinese people.

I love the Chinese.
I love Asians in general.

I love Asians more than John Thick.

By the way, what the fuck
happened to this guy's neck?

He looks like he got
in a street fight with Zangief.

But seriously, Asians are the best.

I mean, Jeremy Lin, Jet Li,
Squirtle, Mickey Rooney.

The list is Oolong.

These are the people I "wanton" my team.

But the Chinese government,
though, fuck 'em.

Look, I'm not saying
this is a bio-attack on America,

but the virus kills fat people.

And China
has a sugar chicken buffet in every city.

Now, while we're talking about buffets,

I think it's important to note

that coronavirus
really squashed the momentum

for the body positivity movement

like a feral feline
inside a hoarder house.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

The body positivity movement
was great in the beginning.

You got some angel scratches,
some bingo wings,

you're built like you'd get stuck
in Willy Wonka's chocolate tube,

you should still love yourself,
and you shouldn't be bullied for that.

I mean, I look like
I should be giving Harry Potter a loan,

and I still love me.

But just like anything,

the extremists came in
and ruined it for everyone.

Yep. Some big body jihadis
hijacked the movement,

which is ironic because movement.

They rolled in screaming,
"Allah snack bar,"

telling everyone "fat is healthy."

I mean, their slogan is
"healthy at every size."

Every size, even if you look
like a melted ice cream?

Let me tell you something.

You know who disagrees
with healthy at every size? Doctors.

When they say "flatten the curve,"
they're not just talking about the 'rona.

Now, let me be clear.

Fat people,
just like hot people, can be beautiful.

Especially the Black dudes
with Bluetooth earpieces.

I mean, there are plus-size princesses
that will take your breath away.

And you know what took their breath away?

COVID. The flu-jitsu
was choking out beanbag bodies

like BJ Penn in a Honolulu parking lot.

Turns out, one of the leading
comorbidities for corona

was being "healthy."

So stop telling morbidly obese people

they shouldn't lose weight
because they're beautiful.

I mean, are you telling alcoholics

they don't need to stop drinking
because they're fun?

Look, we've got to acknowledge

that part of the reason
America got corona crane-kicked

is because we're an unhealthy nation.

Sure, Sweden can be fully open

because they're not eating
hamburgers in between a donut.

I mean, we had longer lines
for a chicken sandwich

than we did to vote.

Those Popeyes lines were so long,
Hunter Biden tried to snort 'em.

Now, if there is any silver lining
in the year of corona,

if there was one thing
that brought people together,

regardless of political affiliation,

one thing that united the country
that everyone could agree on,

as Casey Anthony would say,

"Kids are the worst."

That's right. Even the most
strict lockdown liberal

was begging for schools to open

before they committed the first
homeschool shooting in history.

Actually, it'd probably happen in PE

because those kids
would be running for their lives.

Anyway, I'll tell you who's
not masturbating to stepmom porn.

The stepmoms. Two months
of tucking kids into a race car bed

and she's looking
to pull out of that marriage

like Jeffrey Toobin on a Zoom call.

And I get it. I know how it feels.

I have two energetic dogs.

They sully my couch.

I said we're done with this. Jesus.

So, parents, I understand.

It's impossible to take care
of your kids and work from home.

And by work from home, I mean,

waking up, logging into your computer,
and then passing out again

like that Indian kid at the spelling bee.

Don't worry, he rose right up
like someone was playing the flute.

Let's be honest.

Your kids had to be at school

so you could be hungover
in a bathrobe every morning,

waxing off to the mom in Cobra Kai.

She's got the meats!

Netflix showed me the numbers, baby,

and I'm convinced
the economy shit the bed.

Odell, it's an expression. Piss off.

Guys, I mentioned "piss" once.
What the fuck?

Back to the economy.

It shit the bed
because instead of working,

we were falling in love with a man

that would drug
and dick down his admirers.

No, not that one.

Remember Sick Freak and Boys?

Yeah, that mulleted meth-mouthed maggot

that held America
and his boyfriends captive.

His white trash Game of Thrones staff

was missing more limbs
than a diabetic diamond miner.

And if this cracked-out cougar,

who could probably
suck the spots off a snow leopard,

didn't get the Tiger King locked up,

he'd still be killing more pussies
than Wardy Joubert III.

Yeah, that's his real name.

So, this has been a crazy,
unexplainable year for all of us.

Everyone has been affected.

We've all been
asked to risk and sacrifice.

But we're Americans.

Well, not all of you,
but nobody's perfect.

Risk and sacrifice is what we do.

America was born from risk,

from fighting the British
to storming the beaches of Normandy.

Every American has a family member

who's made
an enormous sacrifice to be here.

And we're being asked
to do the same thing today.

Many of us
have lost our businesses, our homes,

and some of us, even our loved ones.

And in spite of that,
we got to be brave enough

to get back to normal
as safely as possible.

The great philosopher Lil Duval once said,

"If you can't change your situation,
change your perspective."

And who knows?

Maybe some good did come from coronavirus.

We realized what was most important to us.

Friends, family, health,
and finding Carole Baskin's husband.

And that wasn't all we realized.

There was one more thing
that would change our lives forever.

Something that existed
in the shadows for years,

and has now been brought to light.

And there's one group of people
that we might owe an apology to.

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